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Harrys Black HoleSong - The Seder Rap.
Harrys Black HoleSong - There's No Seder Like our Seder.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Take Us Out of Egypt.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Elijah.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Just a Tad of Charoset.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Les Miselijah.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Same time next year.
Harrys Black HoleSong - The Ballad of the Four Sons.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Our Passover Things.
Harrys Black HoleSong - I've Been Cooking for this Seder.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Matzah Ball Soup.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Pharoah's Nile.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Leaving on a Desert Plane.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Dayenu.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Take Me Out To The Seder.
Harrys Black HoleSong - The Ballad of Mo Amramson.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Afikomen 'Round the Mountain.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Haggadah Wash that Man Right out of my Hair.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Morror.
Harrys Black HoleSong - The Eight Nights of Passover.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Pharoah doesn't Pay.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Moses Island.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Tonight.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Chad Gad-ya.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Chad got ya.
Harrys Black HoleSong - The Plague Song.
Harrys Black HoleSong - The Four Questions.
Harrys Black HoleSong - Pesach Macarena.
Harrys Black HoleSong - The Ten Plagues.
Harrys Black HoleSpain during passover.
Harrys Black HolePassover Health Warning.
Harrys Black HoleBrowsers & chometz.
Harrys Black Hole30 Days Before Pesach.
Harrys Black HolePesach Product.
Harrys Black HoleToo many People to your seder.
Harrys Black HoleMore leftover matzos ideas.
Harrys Black HolePesach!
Harrys Black HoleThe Knight.
Harrys Black HoleCyber Rav.
Harrys Black HoleTwas the night after Seder.
Harrys Black HoleMatzohs.
Harrys Black HolePassover Pick-up Lines.
Harrys Black HoleAdvice from the King.
Harrys Black HoleChag Sameyach.
Harrys Black HoleThe Convert.
Harrys Black HoleSefira, counting Number one.
Harrys Black HoleThe new Passover ritual in the Arab world?
Harrys Black HolePesach Pick Ups.
Harrys Black HoleAnother fishy story.
Harrys Black HoleGefilte fish.
Harrys Black HolePesach story.
Harrys Black HoleCloned Blemish-free Lambs.
Harrys Black HoleThe Matzo.
Harrys Black HoleComputer Engineer's Haggadah.
Harrys Black HoleAn Interesting Passover Sermon.
Harrys Black HolePassover is Approaching.
Harrys Black HoleGebbrokts?
Harrys Black HoleKosher Computer

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JOKES - Passover Jokes

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Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - The Seder Rap.
by Randi and Murray Spiegel (written Passover 1994)

Gonna tell you all a story, 'bout the Jews in Egypt,
They had a good thing goin', there was no complaint.
But then there came this Pharoah, who was mean and nasty,
He worked them night and day, from the heat they did faint.

They pleaded unto G-d, "Save us all, your children"
And G-d looked down to them, he was quite distressed.
So G-d appeared to Moses through a bush on fire,
He said "Go back to Egypt, go clear up this mess."

Chorus: Tell the story, find the matzah, drink the cups of wine.
It's all in celebration, so let's sing and dine.

So Moses went to Pharoah, saying "G-d's real angry,
They've suffered many years, Le-let my people go."
But Pharoah didn't listen, he had no intentions
Of giving up his servants, and he HUHp said "No."

So G-d sent down 10 plagues, which were quite horrendous,
They started out with water being changed to blood.
And then there came the frogs; third, the lice persisted,
Then wild beasts everywhere left a ... trail of crud.

Chorus: Tell the story, find the matzah, drink the cups of wine.
It's all in celebration, so let's sing and dine.

The cattle were all killed, and the boils were torture,
The hail came down in torrents, heads were really woozie.
From the sky there came the locusts, number 9 was darkness,
But G-d was not yet done, number 10 was a doozie.

All the first-born dropped like flies, in their tents and temples,
Every bird and beast in Egypt, only Pharoah was spared.
Such a wailin' in Mitsrayim, there was such commotion,
Pharoah couldn't comprehend, he just ... stopped and stared.

Chorus: Tell the story, find the matzah, drink the cups of wine.
It's all in celebration, so let's sing and dine.

The Jews ran out of Egypt, with their herds of cattle,
Pharoah followed with his armies, they were very near.
But then Moses stretched his hand, and The Sea was parted,
Our people walked on through, they were ... free and clear.

So here we are tonight, sitting 'round this table,
We tell this tale again, never with a gap.
When our ancestors were slaves, G-d reached out to help them,
The Jews are now a people, 'cause we HUHp beat the rap!

Words copyright (C) 1994 by Randi and Murray Spiegel.
Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. We would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
Spiegels / 48 Roosevelt St / Roseland, NJ 07068 ;
spiegel@research.telcordia.com

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Subject: Passover Songs - There's No Seder Like our Seder.
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business like Show business")
by The Bohnen, Levitt and Malina Families

There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell:
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzoh
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Take Us Out of Egypt.
(sung to the tune of "Take me out to the ball game")
by The Bohnen, Levitt and Malina Families

Take us out of Egpyt
Free us from slavery
Bake us some matzoh in a haste
Don't worry 'bout flavor--
Give no thought to taste.
Oh it's rush, rush, rush, to the Red Sea
If we don't cross it's a shame
For it's ten plagues,
Down and you're out
At the pesach history game.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Elijah.
(to the tune of "Maria")
by The Bohnen, Levitt and Malina Families

Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year--
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace and not hating--
Elijah--
Next year we'll be waiting.
Elijah!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Just a Tad of Charoset.
(to the tune of "Just a spoon full of sugar")
by The Bohnen, Levitt and Malina Families

Chorus:
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs go down.
Just a tad of charoset helps the bitter herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.

Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharoh.
They sweat and toiled and labored through the day.
So when we gather pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.

Chorus
So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......

Chorus
While the maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us red.
Although maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!

Chorus

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Subject: Passover Songs - Les Miselijah.
(to the tune of "Do you hear the people Sing" from Les Miserables)
by The Bohnen, Levitt and Malina Families

Do you hear the doorbell ring,
And it's a little after ten?
It can only be Elijah
Come to take a sip again.
He is feeling pretty fine
But in his head a screw is loose.
So perhaps instead of wine
We should only give him juice.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Same time next year.
(to the tune of "Makin' Whoopee")
by The Bohnen, Levitt and Malina Families

Another pesach, another year,
The family seder with near and dear...
Our faces shining,
All thoughts of dining
Are put on hold now.
We hear four questions,
The answer given
Recalls the Jews from Egypt driven.
The chrain is bitter, (charoses better!)
Please pass the matzoh.
Why is this evening different
From all the other nights?
This year the Jews all over
Are free to perform the rites.
A gorgeous dinner--who can deny it--
Won't make us thinner, to hell with diet!
It's such great cooking...
and no one's looking,
So just enjoy it.
Moving along at steady clip
Elijah enters, and takes a sip;
And then the singing with voices ringing
Our laughter mingling.
When singing about Chad Gad Ya.
Watch close or your place you'll lose,
For Echad Mi Yodea:
Which tune shall we use?
We pray next Pesach
We'll all be here.
It's a tradition...
Same time next year...
So fill it up now, the final cup now,
Next year at ____________

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - The Ballad of the Four Sons.
(to the tune of "Clementine")

Said the father to his children,
"At the seder you will dine,
You will eat your fill of matzoh,
You will drink four cups of wine."
Now this father had no daughters,
But his sons they numbered four.
One was wise and one was wicked,
One was simple and a bore.
And the fourth was sweet and winsome,
he was young and he was small.
While his brothers asked the questions
he could scarcely speak at all.
Said the wise one to his father
"Would you please explain the laws?
Of the customs of the seder
Will you please explain the cause?"
And the father proudly answered,
"As our fathers ate in speed,
Ate the paschal lambe 'ere midnight
And from slavery were freed."
So we follow their example
And 'ere midnight must complete
All the seder and we should not
After 12 remain to eat.
Then did sneer the son so wicked
"What does all this mean to you?"
And the father's voice was bitter
As his grief and anger grew.

"If you yourself don't consider
As son of Israel,
Then for you this has no meaning
You could be a slave as well."
Then the simple son said simply
"What is this," and quietly
The good father told his offspring
"We were freed from slavery."
But the youngest son was silent
For he could not ask at all.
His bright eyes were bright with wonder
As his father told him all.
My dear children, heed the lesson
and remember evermore
What the father told his children
Told his sons that numbered four.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Our Passover Things.
(Sing to the tune of "OUR FAVORITE THINGS" FROM "THE SOUND OF MUSIC")
by The Bohnen, Levitt and Malina Families

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefilted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things

Matzah and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that clings
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
when we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel ... so bad ...

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - I've Been Cooking for this Seder.
(to the tune of: I've Been Working on the Railroad)

I've been cooking for this seder
Erev Pesach day
Making matzah balls and kugel
So we'll feast as well as pray
Can't you smell the pareve sponge cake
It rises up so little without yeast
Can't you hear our voices singing
At this joyous Pesach feast
Mama, you can cook
Mama, you can cook
Milchidik and fleishidik and pareve, too
Mama, you can stew
Mama, you can stew
Your seder food's delicious and we thank you

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Matzah Ball Soup.
(to the tune of: 10 little Indians)

1 little, 2 little, 3 little, matzah balls
4 little, 5 little, 6 little, matzah balls
7 little, 8 little, 9 little, matzah balls
Ten cheers for matzah ball soup!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Don't sit on the Afikomen.
(To the tune of Glory, Glory, Hallelu-kah)
My Dad at every Seder breaks a Matza piece in two
And hides the Afikomen half-A game for me and you
Find it, hold it ransom for the Seder isn't through
'till the Afikomen's gone.

Chorus:
Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Don't sit on the Afikomen.
Or the Meal will last all night

One year Daddy hid it 'neath a pillow on a chair
But just as I raced over, my Aunt Sophie sat down there
She threw herself upon it-Awful crunching filled the air
And crumbs flew all around

Chorus
There were matza crumbs all over-Oh, it was a messy sight
We swept up all the pieces though it took us half the night
So, if you want your seder ending sooner than dawn's light,
Don't sit on the Afiko-o-men

Chorus

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Pharoah's Nile.
(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")
by Randi and Murray Spiegel, Passover 1995

Just lean right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip
That started back in ancient times while under Pharoah's whip.
Well Moses was a pious man, G-d made him brave and sure
Though Pharoah was a mighty man, his heart was not pure, his heart was not pure.

Old Pharoah started getting tough, the Jews were harshly bossed
If not for the courage of the fearless few our people would be lost, our people would be lost.
They cried to G-d please rescue us, conditions here are vile.
Send Moses, and Aaron, too, to save our children and wives.
We'll leave this land at G-d's behest
Here on Pharoah's Nile.

So G-d said Moses take your staff and with your brother go
To Pharoah you will plead your case to let my people go.
Well Moses, he sure did his best, but Pharoah was not moved
Til G-d sent down ten dreadful plagues and His power was proved, His power was proved.

The frogs, the lice, and even boils, could not make Pharoah bend
'Til slaying of the first born males threatened Pharoah's life to end, threatened Pharoah's life to end.
The Jews escaped miraculously, when G-d helped them to flee,
Egyptian armies followed them, but drowned in the deep Red Sea.

So this is a tale of our ancestors, they wandered a long, long time.
They had to make the best of things, it was an uphill climb.
So join us here each year my friends, it's sure to be worthwhile
Retelling how the Jews escaped, far from Pharoah's Nile.

Words copyright (c) 1994 by Randi and Murray Spiegel. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and this notice is appended.
We would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
Spiegels, 48 Roosevelt Street, Roseland, NJ 07068 / spiegel@research.telcordia.com

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Subject: Passover Songs - Leaving on a Desert Plane.
by Randi and Murray Spiegel, Passover 2000

All our bags are packed we're ready to go
We're standing here outside our doors
We dare not wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' this early morn'
Moses is waiting, he's blowing his horn
We're planning our escape so we won't die

You'll miss me, as you will see
You've been dealt a harsh decree
You held us like you'd never let us go
We're leaving from this great strain
We pray we won't be back again
God knows, can't wait to go.

There's so many times you've let us down
Your many crimes have plagued our town
I tell you now they were all mean things
Every pace I go, you'll shrink from view,
Every song I sing will be 'gainst you
I won't be back to wear your ball and chain

You'll miss me, as you will see
You've been dealt a harsh decree
You held us like you'd never let us go
We're leaving through a wet plain
We hope we won't be back again
God knows, can't wait to go.

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, let me diss you
Close your eyes, we'll be on our way
Dream about the days to come
When you'll be left here all alone
About the time when I won't have to say

You'll miss me, as you will see
You've been dealt a harsh decree
You held us like you'd never let us go
We're leaving all our bread grain
We know we won't be back again
God knows, can't wait to go.

Words copyright (c) 1994 by Randi and Murray Spiegel. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and this notice is appended.
We would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears:
Spiegels, 48 Roosevelt Street, Roseland, NJ 07068 / spiegel@research.telcordia.com

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Subject: Passover Songs - Dayenu.
Had he saved us, saved us, saved us,
Saved us from the mean Egyptians
And not given them conniptions, Dayenu

Had he given those Egyptians
Unforgettable conniptions
Without smashing all their idols, Dayenu

Had he smashed up all their idols --
Pulverized those gal- and guy-dolls
Without killing all their first-born, Dayenu

Had he killed all of their first-born
(Made the families so forlorn)
Without giving us their riches, Dayenu

Had he given us their riches
Split the sea (we walked with fishes)
But not drowned the Pharoah's army, Dayenu

Had he drowned the Pharoah's soldiers
Forty years we hiked 'round boulders
But had given us no manna, Dayenu

Had he given us that manna
-- Go eat as much as you wanna --
But had kept the Shabbas from us, Dayenu

Had he given Shabbas to us --
This day's for rest, not for commerce
But not brought us to Mount Sinai, Dayenu

Had he brought us to Mount Sinai
Through the desert, it was so dry
And not given us the Torah, Dayenu

Had he given us the Torah
Where we sang and danced the Hora
And not led us into Israel, Dayenu

Had he led us into Israel
(So far this is quite a long tale)
And not built for us the Temple, Dayenu

Had he built for us the Temple
So to pray we do assemble
But had not made Manischewitz, Dayenu

(c) Singlish Publication Society, 14140
Sherwood, Oak Park, MI 48237
Scansion modifications and additional verses
by Randi & Murray Spiegel, Passover 2000

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Subject: Passover Songs - Take Me Out To The Seder.
(To the tune of, of course, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!")
Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Feed me on matzah and chicken legs,
I don't care for the hard-boiled eggs.
And its root, root, root for Elijah
That he will soon reappear.
And let's hope, hope, hope that we'll meet Once again next year!

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Read the Haggadah And don't skip a word.
Please hold your talking, We want to be heard.
And lets, root, root, root for the leader
That he will finish his spiel
So we can nosh, nosh, nosh and by-gosh
Let's eat the meal!!!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - The Ballad of Mo Amramson.
(to "The Ballad of Jed Clampett")
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Mo,
His people they were slaves to the evil Pharoah,
Until one day he was lookin' at a bush,
And he heard the voice of God, though he wasn't a lush---
The LORD, that is, I AM, The Big G.

Next thing you know, Mo's talkin' to Pharoah,
Mo says, "God said you gotta let my people go!"
But the king says, "No, they always will be slaves to me!"
So God sent down ten big plagues on Pharoah's whole country---
Blood 'n frogs, that is,
Pestilence,
Special effects.

When the first borns died, Pharoah sent the Jews away,
They ran and ate some matzoh on that very happy day,
So now we have our Seder to commemorate that feat---
We drink some wine and talk a lot, we sing and also eat!
Matzoh, that is,
Maror too.
And good food.
Y'all come back now, y'hear!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Afikomen 'Round the Mountain.
Chorus
Afikomen 'round the mountain when she comes ....
(1) She'll be drinkin' Mogen David.... slurp, slurp
(2) She'll be burpin on charoses ...... burp, burp
(3) She'll be chewin' on a shank bone chomp, chomp
(4) She'll be sleepin' off the matzos snoring sound

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Haggadah Wash that Man Right out of my Hair.
Hagadah wash that man right out of my hair
Because he's full of chometz but he doesn't care.
That it's a custom now to be rid of that snare,
I'll send him on his way.
Haggadah drink my wine and feel real free,
Haggadah eat charosez, matzah and tea,
Haggadah keep the seder, with joy and glee.
I really love that day!!
He doesn't like gefilte fish,
eat it up, eat it up.
He doesn't like the matzah dish
Heat it up, heat it up.
can't wait for him to change-
Hey buddy... (repeat 1st verse).

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Morror.
(Sung to the tune of "More..")
Morror is the bitterness the world has known, But in Canada we need not moan.
Morror were the ghettos of across the sea, But here we habitate a land that's free.
Morror on the table, we are sure and we're able to look forward to many types of joy - oh boy-oi-oi-oi...
Morror is the bitter herb upon our plate, And if we were sober we would palitate Morror is the answer for the schnorer, who is rich or poorer-
Why can't we love forever .....Morror!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - The Eight Nights of Passover.
(To the tune of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas')
On the first night of Passover my mother served to me
1) a matzo ball in chicken soup
2) two dipped herbs
3) three pieces of matzah
4) four cups of wine
5) five gefilte fish
6) six capons baking
7) seven eggs a boiling
8) eight briskets roasting

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Pharoah doesn't Pay.
(To the tune of "I've been Working on the Railroad")
We've been working on these buildings;
Pharaoh doesn't pay.
We've been doing what he tells us
Mixing straw with clay.
Can't you hear the master calling,
"Hurry up, make that brick!"
Can't you feel the master whip us
'Til we're feeling sick.

Oy vay, it's a mess,
A terrible distress,
Oy vay, it's a mess for Jews, us Jews.

Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh, Warning of all God's clout, clout, clout.
Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
And God's gonna get us out!

We're singing . . . .
Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
Make our matzahs "to go" oh oh oh.
Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
Stick it to the ol' Pharaoh!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Moses Island.
(Sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island)
Just recline right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of dreadful trip.
That started with ten awful plagues brought onto Egypt, brought unto Egypt.
The boss he was a Jewish man raised as a Pharaohos son. Then G-d he did come calling and soon the fun begun, soon the fun begun.
More blood, such frogs, and all those bugs, Pharaoh could just barely see.
The Jews were really scoring points and soon they would be free. and soon they would be free.
They shlepped and shlepped for forty years across a desert land. He went up to Mt Sinai and a party soon began, a party soon began.
Moses, the Pharaoh too, Aaron and his wife.
Marianne the skipper too here
on the desert island.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Tonight.
(To the tune of "Tonight," from West Side Story)
By Dan Liben Passover, 2000

Tonight, tonight,
We'll tell a tale tonight,
Of Pharoah, Slaves and God's awesome might;

We'll do it right, with matzah, and maror
and four children: -dull, wicked- and bright!

Tonight, we'll tell our people's story,
The "genut" and then the glory,
And how it came out right..

And when we're through
You'll know you've been freed too
On this Saaay-der night!

Tonight, tonight, we'll drink four cups of wine,
We'll laugh and sing and dine
'till its light;

The tale's not new
And yet it still rings true
It gives meaning -to being -a Jew!

Egyptian masters they did beat us
But Moses he did lead us
From darkness into light;

And soon we'll know
Why God did make it so
On this Saaaay-der night!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Chad Gad-ya.
(to the tune of "Under the Boardwalk")
Lyrics by Jack Moline

My father went to town to buy a goat,
that's what he did.
He took two zuzim and came back home
with a kid.
D-za-bin abba bi-trei zu-zei
And I couldn't believe what happened
On that day.

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

Then came along the cat
And she killed and ate the kid.
And my father dear
he really flipped his lid.
Then came the dog and bit the cat.
That ate the kid my father bought
Imagine that.

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

Then came the stick and beat
The dog that bit the cat
That ate the kid my father bought
But you knew that.
Then came the fire and burnt the stick
That beat the dog, that bit the cat
That ate the kid.

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

Then came the water wet and quenched the fire
That burnt the stick
That beat the dog that bit the cat
That ate the kid.
D-za-bin abba bi-trei zu-zei
Yet the stranger things to come
Were on their way

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

The came the ox who drank the water wet
That quenched the fire
That burnt the stick that beat the dog
As it desired
That bit the kitty-cat that ate the kid
That my father bought at market
For high bid.

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

And then the butcher killed the ox who
Drank the the water wet
That quenched the fire that burnt the stick
(We ain't done yet)
That beat the doggy-dog, that bit the cat
That ate the kid my father bought
But you knew that.

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

And then the angel-of-death, he killed the butcher
Who killed the ox
That drank the water that quenched the fire
With no hard knocks
That burnt the wooden stick, that beat the dog
That bit the cat, that ate the goat
A total loss.

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

Then came the Holy One and did away with the
Angel-of-death
That killed the butcher that killed the ox that drank
The water in one breath
That quenched the fire, that burnt the stick,
That beat the dog, that bit the cat
That ate the kid

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

(instrumental solo)

Ohhh, d-za-bin abba bi-trei zu-zei
And I couldn't believe what happened
On that day

D-za-bin abba (chad gad-ya) bi-trei zu-zei (chad gad-ya) (2x)
D-za-bin abba, abba.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Songs - Chad got ya.
(To the tune of "Chad Gadya", naturally)
Then came the Supreme Court of the United States,
Which overturned the Florida Supreme Court,
Which returned the verdict to the Palm Beach County District Court,
Which overruled the objections of the Bush lawyers,
Who argued with the Gore lawyers,
To override the Florida Attorney General,
Who was in cahoots with the candidate's brother,
To ignore the re-count,
Of the dimpled chads.
Chad got ya, Chad got ya.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The Plague Song.
(Sung to the tune of "This Old Man")
Then God sent,
Plague number one,
Turned the Nile into blood.
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number two,
Jumping frogs all over you.
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number three,
Swarms of gnats from head to knee.
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number four,
Filthy flies need we say more?
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number five,
All the livestock up and died.
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number six,
Boils and sores to make you sick
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low.
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number seven,
Hail and lighting down from heaven.
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number eight,
Locust came and they sure ate.
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number nine,
Total darkness all the time.
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low
They told Pharaoh "Let them Go!"

Then God sent,
Plague number ten,
Pharaoh's son died so he gave in.
All the people in Egypt were feeling pretty low

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The Four Questions.
(Sung to the tune of "This Old Man")
Why is it only on Passover night we never know how to do anything right?
We don't eat our meals in the regular ways, the ways that we do on all other days.
'Cause on all other nights we may eat all kinds of wonderful good bready treats, like big purple pizza that tastes like a pickle, crumbly crackers and pink pumpernickel, sassafras sandwich and tiger on rye, fifty felafels in pita, fresh-fried, with peanut-butter and tangerine sauce spread onto each side up-and-down, then across, and toasted whole-wheat bread with liver and ducks, and crumpets and dumplings, and bagels and lox, and doughnuts with one hole and doughnuts with four, and cake with six layers and windows and doors.
Yes - on all other nights we eat all kinds of bread, but tonight of all nights we munch matzo instead.
And on all other nights we devour vegetables, green things, and bushes and flowers, lettuce that's leafy and candy-striped spinach, fresh silly celery (have more when you're finished!) cabbage that's flown from the jungles of Glome by a polka-dot bird who can't find his way home, daisies and roses and inside-out grass and artichoke hearts that are simply first class!
Sixty asparagus tips served in glasses with anchovy sauce and some sticky molasses.
But on Passover night you would never consider eating an herb that wasn't all bitter.
And on all other nights you would probably flip if anyone asked you how often you dip.
On some days I only dip one Bup-Bup egg in a teaspoon of vinegar mixed with nutmeg, but sometimes we take more than ten thousand tails of the Yakkity-birds that are hunted in Wales, and dip them in vats full of Mumbegum juice.
Then we feed them to Harold, our six-legged moose.
Or we don't dip at all!
We don't ask your advice.
So why on this night do we have to dip twice?
And on all other nights we can sit as we please, on our heads, on our elbows, our backs or our knees, or hang by our toes from the tail of a Glump, or on top of a camel with one or two humps, with our foot on the table, our nose on the floor, with one ear in the window and one out the door, doing somersaults over the greasy k'nishes or dancing a jig without breaking the dishes.
Yes - on all other nights you sit nicely when dining.
So why on this night must it all be reclining?

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Pesach Macarena.
(Words by Rachel & Ed Scheinerman)
Take coconut, eggs, and lots of grease,
Cook 'em in the oven for your Pesach feast.
They won't rise 'cause they ain't got yeast.
Hey, macaroons!

Mix matzah meal with eggs for a goop
Form into balls and drop in your soup
So heavy on your spoon it will make it droop
Hey, kneidlach!

Through the woods a rabbi took a hike
Found a lake at the edge of a dike
For her favorite dish caught some carp and pike
Hey, gefilte fish!

What do you need for your seder plate?
What do you eat before it's too late?
What do you take to anti-constipate?
Hey, stewed prunes!

What do we crave on the very last night
Sprinkled with cheese for a dinner that's light
Al dente noodles that we long to bite
Hey, macaroni!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The Ten Plagues.
(sung to the tune of the "Adam's Family" theme song)
They're creepy and they're yucky
They're altogether ucky
They're so completley mucky
We're talking 'bout the Plagues.
The Nile turned to blood
Which was far worse than mud
Then frogs and lice and crud
The start of the Ten Plagues.
Next beasts, blight, and boils
On commoners and royals
Then hail and locusts spoiled
The country. It was wrecked.
Then Egypt drowned in darkness
The country was a big mess
All chaos, as you can guess
Pharaoh could not protect.
The last plague was the worst
The first-born sons were cursed
Their parent's hearts were burst
And Pharaoh let us go.
Each year we tell the story
Although this part is gory
It still speaks of God's glory
Remember the Ten Plagues.
Our cups are filled with wine
The joy with which we dine
Our joy is far less fine
When we remember the Ten Plagues.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Spain during passover.
The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe's root crops.
A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after the Passover ended. The community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they tried approaching from among the European suppliers, they received the same reply: "Sorry! No can do."
In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv who happened to be the second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize the despatch of a crate of Israeli horseradish roots, by air-freight to Madrid. It took the friend a couple of days to organize, but two days before Passover, a crate of grade A tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the El-Al flight 789 destined for Madrid, Spain and all seemed to be well.
Unfortunately when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of Customs, he was informed that an unforeseen wildcat strike had just broken out among the members of the airport's Transport and General Workers Union after only a small amount had been off-loaded. He was heartsick to find out that no further shipments would be off-loaded for at least four days.
So you see that's why......
"the chraine in Spain stayed mainly on the plane!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Health Warning Addendum/Shmura Matzo.
You shouldn't drink different types of wine at the seder, neither -
you don't want to end up with vary-cose vines!

Why was the Shmura Matzo so anxious?
He was afraid he was cracking up.

How did the Shmura Matzo feel about becoming the Afikomen?
He was all broken up about it!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Browsers and chometz.
Speaking of cleaning out your computer for Pesach, I was wondering if it's permissible to leave "cookies" turned on in my browser during the holiday.
I guess that depending on your level of observance you could switch (under View/Internet Options/Advanced in IE 4.0) to "Disable all cookie use" or "Prompt before accepting cookies".

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: 30 Days Before Pesach.
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar and I was instructed by my wife to empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incahol, but thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get!!!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Pesach Product.
Just in time for Pesach! A new Pesach cereal that doesn't taste like broken gebrochts because it's not gebrochts. Introducing new LEHITRA OATS. You're whole family will love the taste of LEHITRA OATS because we said "Scram!" to all those other mushy cereals that got soggy in your bowl and reminded you of. Well, you know what?
Made from the oldest kemach yashan we could find LEHITRA OATS will be LE "HIT" on your Pesach breakfast table this year. Pesach is almost a week away! Supplies are limited, and once they're gone, it's LEHITRA OATS next year. So, run out and buy a case of LEHITRA OATS for your family now!
LEHITRA OATS is manufactured by Shpielkes Foods, Inc., Far Northern Outer West Lawrence, NY 11365. It is not gebrochts and has no chashash of tolaim, sheratzim, rimonim, or pa'amonim. It is Kosher Lemehadrin min hamehadrin shel hamehadin shel hamehadrin min hamehadrin under the strict supervision of Rav Foghorn Leghorn, The "Looneh Tooner" Rebbe, shmittah.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: 10 Ways to Tell You've Invited too many People to your seder.
10. You can't find anywhere out of sight to hide the afikomen
9. To recline while drinking the wine, you all have lean in unison
8. You have to sketch your living/dining room on graph paper
7. You have to use a microscope to divvy up the knaidlach
6. When you rotate the verses of "Echad Mi Yodea?", someone ends up singing "Who knows 39? I know 39"
5. You start looking at ads for closed circuit TV and auxiliary speakers
4. While waiting for everyone to wash their hands the second time, the matza rises
3. Even the kids complain that they don't have enough maror
2. When you recite the names of the ten plagues, the locusts really ring a bell
1. When Elijah shows up, and you have to give him his wine "to go"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: MORE LEFTOVER MATZOH IDEAS.
The following is based on five premises:
a. You will always have matzoh left over after Pesach.
b. You won't want to eat any more of it by then and you won't be able to bring yourself to throw it out.
c. Having eaten 12-month-old matzoh back in 1981, you know better than to save it for next year.
d. It's already in, or can be broken into small pieces.
e. You have a cat.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO FEED YOUR CAT MATZOH
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop matzoh into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and matzoh from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke matzoh into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new matzoh from box. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the matzoh in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave matzoh in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and matzoh. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take matzoh and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. But it's a sin to waste food! And your cat deserves to know what it tastes like now!
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and matzoh from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop matzoh into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
19. Resume steps 1-18 at each feeding time until the matzoh is gone or until:
  (a) someone gives you a Jewish ant farm.
  (b) you hear a hungry mockingbird chirping "Hava Nagila."
  (c) your pet chihuahua says "Yo te quiero taco matzo."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MORE LEFTOVER MATZOH IDEAS
Ten Things To Do With Leftover Matzah Farfel
1. Organic kitty litter
2. Garden mulch
3. Add water, make a facial
4. Ecological packing material
5. Resurface the driveway
6. Donate to Kindergarten for papier mache projects
7. Use in lieu of oatmeal bath for kids with chicken pox
8. Throw at weddings
9. Growing medium for strep test
10.Revenge on geese for leaving goose poop on your lawn
Written by Nina Salkin

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Pesach!
On a beautiful Yom Kippur morning, Chaim was in Atlantic City, jumping up and down in the water yelling "Pesach, Pesach".
The Rov on his way to shul on the boardwalk saw, and called , " Chaim, coom nor aher".
The Rov said top Chaim, "Sis nisht shlecht genug, du gayst buddn af Yom Kippur, darfst shryin Pesach, ech?"
"Oy Rebbe, oz ich laig arine mine ayer in zaltz vasser, is by mere Pesach."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The Knight.
A Jewish man was waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen of England. He was supposed to kneel and recite a sentence in Latin.
Comes his turn, he kneels, the Queen taps him on the shoulders with the sword ... and in the panic of excitement he forgets the Latin line. Thinking quickly, he recites the only other line he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover Seder: "Mah nishtana ha-lailah ha-zeh mi-kol ha-leilot."
The puzzled Queen turns to her adviser and asks, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Cyber Rav.
This is an official notification from the Cyber Rav:
It has come to my attention in these busy days before Passover that many Jews of all persuasions are busily cleaning up and kashering their homes and businesses from chometz (leaven foods) and are missing one of the most important places to be concerned about.
That of cyberspace and their personal websites!!!
As it is written in our holy Torah: (Shmot 12 verse 18-22)
"Seven days shall there be no leaven found in your houses: for whosoever eateth that which leaveneth, even that soul shall be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger or a native of the land".
Our Rabbis of blessed memory defined "houses" to also include businesses and ALL of our possessions. This also includes cyberspace. For as we know most of us are living and working here more than anywhere else. AND for those of you who cannot bring themselves to sell and close off their cyberspace home for eight days, you MUST clean, and check thoroughly in its entirety all of your personal web space.
What does this include? As we know that chometz gamor cannot as yet exist in cyberspace, we must check for the next best thing which is VIRTUAL CHOMETZ (vc) or all words, pictures and sounds that pertain to chometz.
To help out everyone in this tremendous endeavor, we have made available virtual chometz checking kits (vcck) that can be sent directly to your e-mail box. These kits include a virtual feather, beeswax candle, bag, wooden spoon, and match.
For those of you too busy or not conversant in cyberspace cleaning, we have automatic search engines set up twenty-four hours a day (excluding Shabbat and holidays) to search for chometz. You will be notified of which chometz you possess and asked if you wish to sell it or have it removed and destroyed. Please also let us know if you allow legumes (kitniyot), or gebrochts.
If you wish to have it sold, it will be sold to a non-Jew and stored in his personal ftp site until after the eighth day and then returned. Send us your address for the virtual contract at: mail'at'arryc.com
For those of you not wanting to have to worry about surfing and finding yourself in a non-Passover setting, we are now proud to offer you MATZONET. MATZONET is the work of many fine yeshivah boys surfing the net and identifying sites of questionable content. When you sign up and log on with MATZONET, you will be kept out of websites not certified Kosher for Passover again depending upon your level of kashruth.
Coming next time;
The requirement of placing a mezuzah on the entrance to your websites.
Chag Kosher v'Sameach!!!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Twas the night after Seder.
'Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate,
After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked over to shul (less a walk than a lumber),
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared,
The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese
The way I'd never said, "I've had enough; no more, if you please."
As I tied myself into my apron again
I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then
I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp",
"You can't show up at shul resembling a blimp!"
So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet ,
Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have any more macaroons from the box,
I can't wait til next week. (Ah, the bagels and lox.)
I won't have any luxion, farfel or p'chah,
I'll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw.
It's a three day yom tov and shabbas is still
Ahead of me with another fleshiks meal to fulfill.
If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot.
So a zisn pesach to you all and to all a good diet!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Matzohs.
Senator Joseph Lieberman calls the Shatzer Hand Matzos factory, with an order for 6 dozen boxes.
Astonished, the proprietor answers, "Senator Lieberman, with all due respect, sir, you're a Manischewitz Matzos kind of guy. Since when do you want hand mattzos?"
Lieberman answers, "I just don't trust machines anymore."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Passover Pick-up Lines.
from www.bangitout.com.
You can tell that spring is in the air when you start getting Passover jokes.
Seder pickup lines:
Let's make this night really different from all others nights
What will you do to me for two zuzim?
What's a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
If 600,000 people can get taken out, one more couldn't hurt
We've only got 18 minutes....
I like my matzah thin, like my women.
Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome
I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
Nice Hagadah
After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
Honey, on this night we are supposed to recline, so let's get to it.
Seder? I hardly know her.
I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
I've got four of my own terms for redemption
Did that just say we were in bondage?
I could never Pass you Over...
Don't call it a bitter herb until you taste it.
We were strangers....emphisis on "were"
You're a 10 in my haggadah
Frogs.....ever kiss a frog?
I'm going to have to search you for chometz
How's about we go re-live the "Darkness" plague up in my room.
I'm like one of the four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Advice from the King.
Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to his head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. After all, "It was bad enough," they complained, "just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to 'Lord it over them,' was just too much to bear."
Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.
As soon as the act was done the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible sin. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as weeks become months his mental depression took its toll on his physical health. He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up.
He burst in on the King and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."
The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again," he said.
The Jew felt so elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally he burst into the house and called out to his wife.
"Rifka, Rifka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Chag Sameyach.
Hey,
DO NOT OPEN THIS EMAIL, THIS EMAIL CONTAINS A VIRUS!!
I WARNED U !!
YOUR COMPUTER HAS JUST BEEN INFECTED WITH THE "CHUMETZ" VIRUS*.
* THE CHUMETZ VIRUS SPREADS CHUMETZ WITHIN ALL YOUR COMPUTER FILES.
**************
According to Halacha if chumetz is found duringpesach you must destroy it.
Yes that means you must now destroy or format your entire computer. Anyone that does not format their computer will suffer the fires of Gehenim.
Or ask ur local rabbi for more information, on how to get rid of ur computer virus.
*****************
Anyway
Just to wish you a Chag Sameyach
Harry

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The Convert.
Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. After all, "It was bad enough," the other advisors complained, "just to sit in counsel with a Jew". But to allow one to be over them was just too much to bear.
Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.
As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible decision. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as months passed, his mental depression took its toll on his physical health.
He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the king and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."
The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well, if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again" he said.
The Jew felt elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran, Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife. "Rifka, Rifka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again!"
His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Pesach??"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Sefira, counting Number one.
On the first night of Sefira, the guy next to me gives me a nudge and quietly asks, "What do we count tonight?"
"Last night I didn't count," I answered.
"Oh, that's just great," says the guy, "now who we gonna ask?"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The new Passover ritual in the Arab world?
Saudi Arabia's Prince Saud called Wednesday for a quick end to the American occupation of Iraq. He's not the only one on edge.
Every Arab ruler is smearing lamb's blood on their palace door next week hoping that George W. Bush will pass over them.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Pesach Pick Ups.
1. Let's make this night really different from all others nights
2. What will you do to me for two zuzim?
3. What's a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
4. I like my matzah thin, like my women.
5. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome
6. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
7. Nice Hagadah
8. After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
9. I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
10. Did that just say we were in bondage?
11. I could never Pass you Over...
12. I'm going to have to search you for chometz
13. Gefilte fish jelly makes for great lubrication
14. Did someone say Staff?

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Subject: Another fishy story.
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"

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Subject: Gefilte fish.
How do you tell the difference between gefilte fish and all the other fish in the ocean??
Gefilte fish are the only ones with carrots on their backs.

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Subject: Pesach story.
G-d says to Moses, "Moses, I have some good news and some bad news for you."
Moses asks, "What's the good news?"
G-d replies, "Moses, I shall visit plagues upon the Egyptians. I shall cause their rivers to run red with blood. I shall cause frogs to infest their houses, and lice to infest their bodies. I shall cause flies to swarm upon them. Their cattle shall die; boils will infect both man and beast. I shall cause hail to destroy their crops; and locusts shall devour anything green that is left in their land. Darkness will cover their land for three days and nights.
"I shall lead you through the wilderness as a pillar of cloud by day, and pillar of fire by night. I shall split the waters of the sea. I shall feed you with Manna that forms upon the ground until the children of Israel reach the Land flowing with milk and honey."
Moses replied, "That's GREAT, Lord! What could possibly be the bad news?"
"You, Moses, shall write the Environmental Impact Statement."

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Subject: Cloned Blemish-free Lambs.
A bio-research institute in Israel is developing plans for cloning sheep.
"When the Holy Temple is rebuilt, there will suddenly be a tremendous demand for blemish-free lambs to use for the Korban Pesach (pesach sacrifice)", explained its director.
"We will be able to meet that demand by cloning."
"Each lamb thus produced will be known as a Korban copy".

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Subject: The Matzo.
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"

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Subject: Computer engineer's Haggadah.
Computer Engineer's Haggadah - a joke for Passover
--------------------------------
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
Set ISRAEL;mode=master
Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL
Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
Command ignored
Load Moshe
Done
Deactivate Pharaoh
Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
For i=1 to 10 do plagues
Are you sure? Y
Done

Release ISRAEL
error: ISRAEL uninitialized
Set ISRAEL = 600,000
Done
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL released

Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai
OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
Save ISRAEL
Specify save device
Save ISRAEL with miracle
Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai
Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active/
golden calf routine
Destroy calf
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

Move ISRAEL to desert
Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
Done

Build Mishkan
Syntax error
Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
Done

Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
Warning: operand terms must be unique
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)
Done
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Done

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Subject: Rabbi Friedman's commentary on Academy Awards.
An Interesting Passover Sermon:

THE TWO MOVIES THAT WON THE OSCAR THIS YEAR (5758)

How many of you watched the Oscars this year?
How many of you watched to the very end?
Really? The next time somebody complains that our services were too long, i will remind you of how long that show was.
What struck me, as I watched a small part of it, was Billy Crystal's line: "How things have changed.. Last year Washington was complaining that there was too much sex in Hollywood... This year it is the other way around.."

And the other thing that struck me was that two movies won an Academy Award this year that, on the surface, seem to have nothing whatsoever in common. One was a movie that everyone seems to have seen...and the other was a movie that hardly anybody has seen, and yet, I believe that these two movies, taken together, represent the flip side of the same coin, and that these two movies, taken together, have much to say to each other. And to us.

The first movie, the one that everybody but me seems to have seen is Titanic.
I haven't gone to see it for two reasons. One is that there is no suspense, I already know how it ends. and two...any movie that is over 3 hours long... I will have to wait until I retire before I have time to see it.
The other movie was The Long Way Home which won the Oscar as the best documentary of the year.
It is a movie, produced by the Weisenthal Center in Los Angeles, that tells the story of those holocaust survivors, who somehow made their way to Palestine, and rebuilt their lives after the war. What is the connection between these two movies?
I think it is: Titanic tells the story of a ship, that everyone thought was indestructible...that was destroyed,
And The Long Way Home tells the story of a people that everyone thought was destroyed, that turned out to be indestructible.

The question that intrigues me is: Why did the Titanic sink? And why did the Jewish people survive? When everyone would have predicted that it would be the other way around?
My guess is that the reason the Titanic sank...is because those who made it, and those who sailed it, were overconfident...they were convinced that they had built something so marvelous, so magnificent, that it could never be destroyed... Whereas the Jewish people felt the other way around...they felt that they were on the very edge of destruction, they felt that they had been almost wiped off the face of the earth, and therefore, if they did not take desperate measures, they would not survive. There are now a whole slew of books out, about the Titanic...for some reason, people seem to be fascinated with the story....
And in one of these books, there is a picture....I didn't buy the book but I browsed thru it in the bookstore, and I saw a remarkable picture... on the day that the ship set sail, there was a banner on it, and the banner said; in large letters..."Even God can't sink this ship". That's arrogance, that is overconfidence, that is what the Greeks call hubris; what the Jews call chutzpa.

The people who built the Titanic, and the people who sailed it, were so smug, so arrogant, so sure of the invincibility of what they had made, that they sailed straight into destruction...
Whereas the Jews have learned to sail through the storm waters of history, carefully, and cautiously, and with full awareness that at any given moment...the flood waters of hatred or the storms of anti semitism may sweep over them....
There was a great scholar, who taught at Brandeis University, named Shimon Ravidowitz, who wrote an essay that deserves reading and rereading, The name of the essay is: The Ever Dying People...and the thesis of the essay is that, in every generation, the leaders of the Jewish people felt that we are the last generation... that it is almost over now... that, either because of anti semitism from the outside..or because of assimilation and atrophy on the inside, we jews are just about finished... and because they felt that way, they did whatever had to be done, to keep the ship of Jewish destiny afloat... at least for one more generation. If the Titanic was sunk, because of the overconfidence of its builders, the Jewish people have survived, because of the determination of its leaders..
That is what The Long Journey Home is all about...it is the story of a people that has been counted out, the shards, the broken people, the wounded and the maimed, physically and spiritually, who came out of the concentration camps... barely alive.... who crawled onto those illegal boats, and filled them, beyond capacity, and sailed thru the British blockade, and got to Palestine, And there, began life over again, and rebuilt themselves, and rebuilt the land, did so, even though everyone else thought they were finished, theirs is one of the great stories of human resilience in all of history, If the lesson of the Titanic is: al tivtichu bindivim, biven adam she eyn lo tishua... do not put your trust in people, for they are only human, the lesson of The Long Journey Home is: put your trust in people...for if they have courage and determination, they can accomplish the superhuman. Let me tell you a story that is so strange, it is hard to believe.. but it is true.

There were two brothers in America, who were very famous...Nathan and Isadore Straus, They were multi millionaires, and they were considered among the greatest philanthropists in this country, The two of them, Nathan and Isadore, together with their wives, took a tour of Europe in l9l2. They enjoyed all the cultural sites of the continent...the museums, the operas, the theaters, the palaces... and then, they got the idea of going to visit Palestine for a while. They hopped over from Europe to spend a few days in the Holy Land and, as happened, wherever they went, these two philanthropists were given vip treatment, They were shown the holy places, and the cities, they were shown the yeshivas and the artists colonies...they were given the royal tour, as is customary when distinguished philanthropists visit a country. And then,after a week, Isadore Straus and his wife said: "OK, already, it is enough... How many camels and how many yeshivas and how many hovels can you see? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. it is time to go.."

But Nathan Straus and his wife refused to leave. Somehow the sight of the Holy Land, and the sight of so many people living there in abject poverty, took hold of him...and he couldn't pull himself away.

The two brothers argued: Finally, Isadore said to his brother... OK, you stay here, if you insist, we're going back to America, where we belong... and so they separated.

Nathan Straus stayed in Palestine, and while he was there, he donated money for the creation of a lovely city, on the shore of the Mediterranean...
And since he was the chief donor, they named the city after him... his name in Hebrew was Natan, so they named the city: Natanya. And his brother, Isadore?? He went back to Europe, and got there just in time to make the connection....and so, on April l0, l9l2, he and his wife, Ida, boarded the Titanic in Southampton... and five days later, they were amongst the l500 other passengers and crewmen who went to a watery grave.
Isadore Straus died on the Titanic. and Nathan Straus missed the boat... but not really..Unlike his brother, he felt that he had a rendezvous with history.....and for the rest of his life, he lived with a sense that he had almost died...and that he must have been saved for a reason...and he gave of his means and gave of his time and gave of his energy to doing good. I think that the lesson of these two movies is clear: If you live with smugness and certainty and overconfidence, you end up with disaster....but if you live with awareness, and conviction and determination...and if you live with the knowledge that life is tough and life is dangerous...and that you are always on the edge... You may win out. I think of two groups whose lives prove this truth. I think of that motley mob that left Egypt on this day, some 3200 years ago...if any reporters had been there to cover the story...if cnn had been there that day, and had seen them leave... What would they have said?? That this bedraggled group ill equipped for desert travel...with no military experience whatsoever....which had left so quickly that it hadn't even waited for its bread to rise.......would never make it thru the wilderness. If Jimmy the Greek had been asked to give odds on whether this group would make it or not...can you imagine the odds he would have given? Smart money would have said: "No way," and 50 years ago? When those broken people, whose lives are described in The Long Way Home.... When they swam ashore in Palestine, and defied the British police who were looking for them, so that they could send them back to Europe.... Would anyone living then have predicted that they would not only be able to rebuild their lives but that they would build together a state that would be the strongest in the Middle East, that would have the best hospital between Europe and the Far East, that would have the most highly developed computer industry east of Silicon Valley, who would have believed it? But they did. The Titanic sunk...and these little boats, which were barely seaworthy survived... Gleib nisht in nissim.....How can you not believe in wonders? and so, when we sit at our seder tonight, let us learn from the story of what happened to Isadore Straus, not to be so arrogant, and so overconfident, and so proud of what human beings can do... And let us learn from the story of what happened to Nathan Straus to be proud, and to be confident of what human beings, who have a purpose beyond themselves, and who believe in a sacred cause, and who have the help of God, can do.

Hag Somayach.

-- Rabbi Marc Friedman....

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Subject: Passover is Approaching.
At the seder table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions,
Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
This has been known for generations.
What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues.
It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.

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Subject: Gebbrokts?
A man asks his friend How do you feed your fish on Pesach- seeing that their usual food is Chometz?
Simple, says the friend. I grind up some Matzah and throw it into the fish tank.
The man asks: but thats "GEBROKTS !" His friend replies: "No worries about that. Theyre LitFISH."

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Subject: Kosher Computer
I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low, even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:
01) The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
02) You hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
03) The cursor moves from right to left.
04) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"
05) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."
06) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."
07) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts you with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
08) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes "Schloffen."
09) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
10) It comes with two hard drives -- one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC now gets "Ferklempt."
12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.
15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM.

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