Subject: Ten reasons for celebrating Purim. 1. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah.
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.
3. If you're having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask & no one will know who you are.
4. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka -- the Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights.
5. You don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes.
6. You don't have to build a sukkah and eat outside.
7. You get to drink wine & you don't have to stand for Kiddush.
8. Mordechai - 1; Haman - 0.
9. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav.
10. You can't eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.
11. Mordechai - 1 ; Haman - 0!!!!
Subject: White House Purim. The first Jewish President of the United States has been inaugurated, and the first Jewish holiday that follows is Purim. So he calls up his mother to invite her to the White House for Purim.
Their conversation goes something like this:
Prez: Mom, with Purim being the first holiday after my inauguration, I want to celebrate it with us at the White House.
Mom: Oh, I don't know. I'll have to get to the airport and...
Prez: Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send a limo for you to take you right to the airport!
Mom: OK, but when I get to the airport, I'll have to stand on the line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oh, it will be so difficult for me.
Prez: Mom, don't worry about standing on lines or any of that. I'm the most powerful person in the world. I'm the President. I'll send Air Force One for you!!
Mom: Well, OK. But when I get to Washington, I'll have to find a cab and...
Prez: Momma, please! I'll have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring right to the White House lawn!!!
Mom: Well, yeah. But where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room...
Prez: Momma, we have this whole big White House!!!! There will be plenty of room!!!! Please join us for Purim?
Mom: Ok, I'll be there.
Two seconds later, she calls her friend:
Mom: Hello, Sadie?!! Guess what? I'm spending Purim at my son's house!!
Sadie: Oh, the doctor?
Mom: No, the other one.
Subject: Politically Correct Megillah. Chapter I
And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King of Persia, that the King threw a great party. And it was during that party, that the King became intoxicated and called for his wife Vashti to come dance naked in front of the guests. Now, Vashti was a liberated woman, and was not at all ashamed to display her body in public ("my body, my choice," she used to say). But she was certainly not going to do so at the behest of a male chauvinist like her husband. So she refused to appear, and the following morning, in addition to a major hangover, Achashverosh had one royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting for him. Public opinion quickly turned against the King, and he was forced to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum of money.
Chapter II
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to find a new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one Indian, one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to be gay. One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the land. But his female advisor informed him that Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests where men gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of fashion. Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as physics, literature and music, and the most intelligent woman would be made queen. And the King, already lagging in the public opinion polls, had no choice, and he said to make it so.
Now is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly, had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents for termination of custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test and was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the homosexual community objected the word "queen", and the feminists didn't like the whole gender-based title thing, so it was decided that she would just be called "Royal Person." So Esther was crowned Royal Person of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last name. And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.
Chapter III
It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor Haman to be his chief advisor. There were some protests by the African-Persian community because he hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top advisor, by the appointment went through anyway. It turned out the Haman was a big anti-Semite, and he asked the King's permission to kill all the Jews, which he got. So Haman sent out a proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan. Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued injunction to stop Haman from sending it. But Haman was defended by the head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union, who ironically was also Jewish, and who claimed that the injunction would violate Haman's right to free speech. And the injunction was not issued, so the proclamation was sent.
Chapter IV
And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon as a sign of morning. And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai to console him, but he would not be consoled. Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther that she should go the King and ask him to stop the impending killing of all the Jews. Esther replied that other social issues, such as the environment and harassment in the workplace were more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded her as to the urgency of the matter, and she agreed. Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational candlelight vigil, and it was so.
Chapter V
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest business suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther up to half his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway, based on their pre-nup. Esther told the King that she had come to invite him and Haman to a big party she was throwing the next day. The King was very excited, and both he and Haman showed up to Royal Person Esther's party. The King, for his part, was careful not to violate the out-of-court settlement he had made with Vashti, and there was none of that "dance naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with performances by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbra Streissand. And Esther informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next party, being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard. Upon leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined his night. Haman's wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall and ask the King to have Mordechai hanged the next day. She further advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's Wife." And he built the gallows.
Chapter VI
That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his servants to bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his stag films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti debacle, all they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and produced by Robert Redford. So they brought him the royal archives instead, and there he read that Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back. Just then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom he owed a favor. Haman suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some insignificant but warm-climate country, or maybe letting him spend a night in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom." But the King decided to have Haman lead Mordechai around on a horse throughout the streets of Shushan. However, the animal rights activists got wind of the King's plan, and they went nuts, so it was decided that Haman would just lead Mordechai around on foot. And it was so. When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman walked home, despondent. But no sooner had he returned home than the King's messengers arrived to bring him to Esther's second party. Haman's wife realized that her husband was doomed and commented that she had always known he wound never amount to anything.
Chapter VII
And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And it was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews. "Who is that man?" yelled the King. To which Esther replied "What makes you so sure it's a man? You don't think that a women is capable of killing all the Jewish people?" After an awkward silence, Esther told the King that is was, in fact, a man, and it was none other than his chief advisor Haman! The King stormed out in a fit a rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's feet for her to spare his life. He told her how he had grown up in a broken home, was raised by a crack-selling mother and had never had a normal childhood. Esther declared Haman to be a product of society's failure to protect its children. So Haman's crime of "attempted genocide" was reduced to "issuing proclamations without a license" and he was given the relatively light sentence of five-to-seven years. After serving just two years of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and paroled. And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as their mayor, his being a felon notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther convinced the King to come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of hostility towards women, and the King entered a 12-step program and when he was through, his anger had subsided.
Chapter VIII
That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the Jews to rise up and kill their enemies. But Esther would have no such thing, and instead, she arranged for a dialogue being the Jewish leaders and the leaders of the people of Shushan. And while they couldn't overcome all their differences, they did agree to joint-author a letter of mutual acceptance and tolerance.
Chapter IX
And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews were supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three - day conference of the Leaders of Jewish Organizations. And during that conference, they agreed that a holiday should be established - the holiday of Purim. A holiday of charity and gift-giving. A holiday of brotherly love. A holiday where alternate-side-of-the-street parking rules would be suspended. A holiday where Jewish kids could dress up like Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and not have to feel that they had missed out on something by not celebrating Halloween. And a proclamation was sent out to all the King's lands, in all 127 languages, plus Ebonics. And the Jews were careful not to mention G-d's name, lest any of the gentiles be offended.
Chapter X
And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King Achashverosh--levied a tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public television. And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her uncle Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia.
Subject: Purim! How do we know that the people of Shushan were hard of hearing?
It says in the Megillah:
Vayi'he bemay Achasvarosh.. who? Achashvarosh!
Subject: Top Ten Ways the Story of Purim Would be Different if it Occurred Today. 10. Vashti relieved that king calls her to dance naked and not one of his sleazy girlfriends
9. Story ends with Mordechai and Haman signing historic peace treaty on White House lawn
8. Bigtan and Teresh caught trying to return rental van used in assassination attempt
7. Haman's children finally killed by lethal injection after lengthy appeals process
6. Jews required to drink 'till they no longer know the difference between Pat Buchanan and Al Sharpton
5. In addition to Mishloach Manot and Matanot L'Evyonim, Megillah institutes No Alternate-Side-Of-The-Street Parking
4. Like Esther might ever agree to marry one of those slimy Ayatollahs
3. Instead of calling national fast day, Rabbis hold ill-attended rally in front of Persian embassy
2. Haman forced to share funds with rival extremist group, Hezbollah
1. Rav Shach orders followers not to fight Haman, 'cause having the Jewish community saved by a woman just isn't halachikly acceptable
Subject: Purim for the 00's. Question: Why didn't Esther receive Mordechai's e-mail, warning her about Haman's plan to kill the Jews?
Answer: She had an Achashvirus.
Subject: The Story of Purim - An International Tale. King Achashverosh was Finnish with his disobedient wife Vashti. "You Congo now!" he ordered her. After she had Ghana way, the king's messengers went Roman the land to find a new queen. And India end, the beautiful Esther won the crown.
Meanwhile, Mordechai sat outside the palace, where the Chile Haman would Czech up on him daily.
"I Haiti you because you refuse to bow to me!" Haman scolded Mordechai. "USA very stubborn man. You Jews are such Bahamas! If you keep his up, Denmark my words! I will have all your people killed! Just Kuwait and see, you Turkey!"
Mordechai went into mourning and tore his clothes-a custom known as Korea. He urged Esther to plead with the king. The Jews fasted for three days and grew very Hungary. Esther approached the king and asked, "Kenya Belize come to a banquet I've prepared for you and Haman?" At the feast, she invited her guests to a second banquet to eat Samoa.
The king asked, "Esther, why Jamaica big meal like this? Just tell me what you want. Unto half my United Kingdom will I give you." Esther replied, "Spain full for me to say this, but Haman is Russian to kill my people."
Haman's loud Wales could be heard as he carried Honduran this scene. "Oman!" Haman cried bitterly. "Iraq my brains in an effort to destroy the Jews. But that sneaky Mordechai - Egypt me!"
Haman and his ten sons were hanged and went immediately to the Netherlands. And to Sweden the deal, the Jews were allowed to Polish off the rest of their foes as well. "You lost your enemies and Uganda friend," the king smiled.
And that is why the Purim story Israeli a miracle. God decided to China light on His chosen people.
So now, let's celebrate! Forget all your Syria's business and just he happy! Serb up some wine and Taiwan on! Happy Purim!!!
Subject: One Breath. "Why were the ten sons of Haman hanged in one breath (a reference to the custom of publicly reading the names of the ten executed sons in one breath)? -
In order to ensure that the Supreme Court would not issue a restraining order in the meantime."
Subject: Purim Party in Iraq. Top Ten Ways you Know You Are at a Purim Party in Iraq.
10. You hear someone say, "These Hamentashen are the bomb!"; and everyone ducks for cover
9. Everyone seems to be wearing either a Tom Selleck or Rollie Fingers costume
8. You use the cheesy Purim pickup line: "This could be our last night on earth together" and mean it
7. Really frum Iraqis travel to Baghdad to celebrate Shushan Purim in walled city
6. For some reason, the megillah suddenly has Achashverosh marrying all the pageant contestants
5. Drunkards can't tell the difference between Arror Bush and Arror Sharon
4. Instead of graggers, guests fire live ammo, which is apparently more "mihudar the mitzvah"
3. Party never regains momentum after host reveals Purim punch spiked with Biological Weapons
2. Everyone already preboozed at the Baghdad Chabad
1. Party's climax: Host gets hung
Subject: The Purim Episodes of Prime Time TV Shows. Every year, prime-time television shows have their Christmas episodes and their Halloween episodes. Well, this year, Jewish leaders have petitioned the networks to create Purim episodes for their top hits as well. The networks have agreed, and what follows are the plots for the upcoming Purim episodes of a number of popular TV shows.
NYPD Blue:
In a sequel to the "Sefer Torah" episode, a group of chassidim come to the precinct to report that their Megiallah has been stolen. Sipowicz comments that "them Jews sure use a lot of scrolls," then goes undercover once again as a chasid to catch the culprit. At one point, tensions arise between the Rabbi and Lt. Fancy, who is accused of not doing enough to help the chassidim because he is black. Meanwhile, Kirkendahl and Medavoy pursue a serial killer who has been attacking his victims dressed up as Haman. The suspect is captured, and he turns out to be a schizophrenic, who actually believes himself to be Haman. Jill, playing along with his delusion, comes in to the coffee room dressed as queen Esther, at which point the killer confesses and begs for mercy.
Law and Order:
A man walks into the local Jewish bakery to buy some bread. As his approaches the counter, he notices that the owner has been shot and killed. He screams. Curtis and Briscoe come to check out the crime scene, and note that all the hamentashen have been stolen. After wasting about 20 minutes pursuing false leads, they eventually arrest a suspect. The suspect is charged with murder. McCoy meets with the suspect's lawyer and offers Murder 2, 20-to-life. The lawyer responds by handing McCoy a motion to suppress the recovered hamentashen, on which the suspects fingerprints were found. It turns out that Lenny had eaten one of the hamentashen prior to making the arrest, and the lawyer claims that it might have had the fingerprints of the real murderer. Despite the ludicrousness of the claim, the judge grants the motion. McCoy is determined to figure out a way to get his man. His assistant grimly states that conspiracy to steal baked goods is only a C-felony. To which McCoy responds "yes, but some of the hamentashen were poppy, which is used to make opium, and drug trafficking carries a sentence of 15-to-life. At the trial, the defense council tries to make an issue out of the fact the Lenny has a Jewish father, and things turn ugly. The defendant is convicted, and on the way down the courthouse steps, Adam Schiff remarks wryly that "every generation has its Haman."
Friends:
Ross throws a big Purim party for all his friends. Upon hearing that it's a costume party, Joey announces his plan to come as a eunuch because, he says slyly, "He's the one who guards the harem." Monica and Rachel get drunk while baking the hamentashen and as a prank, add laxatives to the batter. Chandler shows up at the costume store to pick up his Dracula costume, but is given an Elvira costume instead. He doesn't realize and wears it to the party, which further convinces all his friends that he's gay. Meanwhile, Monica and Rachel have realized what they did, but the tainted hamantachen have already been put out. Rachel, dressed as Queen Vashti, distracts the crowd, while Monica switches the hamentashen. She finishes just in time to save Rachel, who's been doing her best to stall. Ross has a flashback to an earlier Purim party where he came dressed as King Achashverosh and Rachel came as Queen Esther. Their eyes met from across the room, but before he could make his move, another guy dressed as Haman asked her to dance. Joey is confused at his inability to pick up women, and Chandler finally explains to him exactly what a eunuch is. Joey responds by saying "oooooh." At the end of the evening Phoebe plays her new Purim song on the guitar: Eat those hamentashen / Don't worry that you're noshin' / And don't think that I'm joshin' / You can eat those hamentashen.
E.R.:
Mark confronts old daemons arising from the time he sent his agnostic Jewish father Mishloach Manot and had it returned to sender. Meanwhile, a whole group of senior citizens from the Beth Jacob Home for the Elderly show up with severe diarrhea, having indulged in too many prune hamantachen at the annual Purim party. After being prodded by the nurses, Carter agrees to dress up as King Achachverosh to entertain the Jewish children in the pediatric ward. Anna, mistakenly thinking that it is her boyfriend dressed up as the King, drags Carter into one of the surgical supply closets. When she finds that it was indeed Carter, she realizes that they were meant to be together.
Chicago Hope:
Oh please, who really cares?!
The Simpsons:
After convincing a parole board that he is rehabilitated, Sideshow Bob is released from prison and is later appointed as Deputy Mayor. As he walks around Springfield, he notices that Krusty's father, Rabbi Krustovsky, doesn't say hello to him. Insulted, he convinces Mayor Quimby to expel all the Jews from Springfield. Kent Borckman sadly reports the news, then comments that the station is looking for a new writer, a new director, and a new producer. At the Qwickie Mart, Apu comments to Marge that "for once someone is getting persecuted and it's not me." Smithers remarks to Mr. Burns that he hates to see any minority group being hurt since he "knows how it feels." Marge says that this reminds her of "The Diary of Anne Frank," at which point Homer salivates as he pictures a nice juicy hot dog and thinks 'uhluhluhluhl, Frank." Meanwhile, Lisa comments how "discrimination hurts all of us, not just the Jews" and urges Bart to "do something." Bart hatches a plan. He gets Rabbi Krustovsky to have his niece Marilyn get romantically involved with the Mayor, which she does. Marilyn then reveals to the Mayor that she's Jewish and the Mayor decrees that "the Jews shall remain in Springfield--which itself sounds like a Jewish name." Police Chief Wiggum, ready to carry out the expulsion, tells his men to resume their normal duties, at which point they all start eating doughnuts. Mayor Quimby instructs Chief Wiggum to arrest Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob tries to run away, but Bart trips him. As he's being led away he swears "revenge, sweet sweet revenge" on Bart. Guest appearances by Kelsey Grammar as Sideshow Bob, Jackie Mason as Rabbi Krustovsky, and Debra Winger as Marilyn.
The Drew Carey Show:
On Purim night, Drew and the gang drive a truckload of Buzz Beer over to the Telz Yeshiva High School for Boys. Having heard about Drew's plans, Mimi shows up as well; despite having come in her everyday clothes, she wins the contest for best costume. During Megillah reading, Oswald giggles uncontrollably every time the ba'al koreh says the name "Memoochan." Afterward, as the students get drunk on Buzz Beer, one of them comments to Kate that she's one good looking shiksa. The party is raucous and wild, and at the end a drunken Drew-who has come dressed as the Browns' mascot- is made an honorary Jew and given a Telz jacket.
The X Files:
Mulder and Scully are sent to an old Jewish community in the South where, for the past four years a Jew has been viciously murdered on Purim night. They talk to the local Rabbi, who says that he knows who's doing the killing, but that the local police won't listen to him. He relays to them an old midrash that states that while Haman's ten sons were all hanged by Mordechai, the next morning, only nine bodies were found hanging from the trees--Haman's son Dalphon had mysteriously disappeared. The Rabbi further quotes the midrash as saying that Dalphon was granted eternal life by the Devil in exchange for killing a Jew every Purim night. The Rabbi says that there is a man in town named Jack Dalphon, who he's sure is the second son of Haman and is the one committing the murders. Scully is skeptical of this old Jewish legend, but Mulder believes it. They question Jack Dalphon but can't pin the murders on him. The next night--Purim night--is cold and stormy. Mulder and Scully stand outside the synagogue as the congregants leave after Megillah reading. They notice Jack Dalphon following an old Jewish man. They approach him and he takes off. They chase him through an abandoned warehouse, and Jack tries to escape by jumping into the elevator shaft. But his head gets caught in the cable, and he is instantly hanged. Mulder and Scully go call the police, but when they return to cut down the body, Dalphon is gone. Spooky music...
Beverly Hills 90210:
Andrea decides to throw a big Purim party at the Peach Pit. During the party, Donna is decidedly melancholy. When confronted by Steve, she reveals that her first true love was Jewish, but that his parents wouldn't let him continue to see her; they broke up on Purim. Kelly brings a gorgeous date to party, but while she is in the bathroom, Valerie makes an offhanded comment that Kelly's AIDS treatment is going very well. When the boyfriend drops her off, he declines her offer for a kiss goodnight.
Mad About You:
Paul's parents are nervous about the upcoming Purim seudah with Jamie's parents, who are gentile. "We're celebrating the fact that our ancestors killed their ancestors", worries Paul's mother. The evening does, in fact, get off to a disastrous start when Paul's mother overhears Jamie's mother complaining how the Jews have too many holidays and Jamie's sister Lisa shows up dressed as Grand Inquisitor Torqemadah. In the end, the tension is relieved when they all laugh upon discovering that Murry ate the entire Turkey while the family was busy trying to get Mabel into her bunny costume. The Buckmans and Stempels decide to have their seudah at Jamie and Paul's favorite restaurant, where a confused Ursula accidentally brings them the roast pig.
Ally McBeal:
On Purim day, Ally has a series of crises in which she is abusive to her secretary Elaine, worries aloud to her roommate that she will never find Mr. Right, has a personal conversation in the bathroom which is overheard by Richard Fish who's hiding in one of the stalls, and recalls an old intimate moment with Billy. This doesn't actually have anything to do with Purim-it's basically the plot of every episode.
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Celebrating Purim.
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