Subject: Ways Yom Kippur is like Purim. from www.bangitout.com. 10. Someone's always passing out by the end of both.
9. You wear a nice suit for both, except on Purim you call yourself Agent Smith from the Matrix
8. Flying chickens spinning around your head is considered completely normal.
7. On Yom Kippur you don't drink and after Purim you swear you'll never drink again.
6. One has Kol Nidre, the other has someone dressed up as Dr. Dre.
5 In both stories "Winning the lottery" is actually a death sentence.
4 Heck, the whale threw up Jonah.
3. The phrase the "The whole Megillah" was made for Yom Kippur Services!
2. Sneakers make any Rabbi look like he is in costume
1. Hanging Judgment finally makes sense.
Subject: Top Ten Halachos To Follow On New Years Eve. from www.bangitout.com. 10. A person should not walk 4 cubits (daled amos) without carrying a drink. If a person is a Chasid, he should double-fist.
9. If you ate meat and your friend ate dairy do not throw up next to each other.
8. The bracha of tov-u'mativ should be made if you get a better drink, or speak to a better-looking person.
7. Tikkun Chaztos is required. Preferably after you do or say something you'll regret.
6. The more pre-boozing one does, the more praiseworthy.
5. New Year's celebration should begin until "K'Chatzos" Halila. Starting anytime before would be considered Tosefes New Years, but does not fullfill his obligations of the night.
4. If a person talks in between shots, he must take another.
3. If the person you wake up next to slept for more than a half hour let them make brachos for you. It is also preferable and proper derech eretz to introduce yourself to them as well.
2. When New Years arrives one has Cdai Achilas Pras to kiss someone, if there is no one suitable, one should kiss the closest Mezuzah or TzitTzit string of the person next to them.
1. You should drink "Ad D'lo Yada" until you can't tell the difference between Seth and Isaac Galena . (Plus, if intoxicated, you're patur from Mitzvos)
Subject: Tashlich. On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich.
Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.
Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown.
Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For complex sins......................Multigrain
For twisted sins......................Pretzels
For sins of indecision................Waffles
For sins committed in haste...........Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah..................Fresh Bread
For substance abuse...................Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs................Poppy Seed
For petty larceny.....................Stollen
For committing auto theft.............Caraway
For timidity/cowardice................Milk Toast
For tasteless sins....................Rice Cakes
For silliness, eccentricity...........Nut Bread
For not giving full value.............Shortbread
For unnecessary chances...............Hero Bread
For war-mongering.....................Kaiser Rolls
For jingoism, chauvinism..............Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony...................Rye Bread
For erotic sins.......................French Bread
For particularly dark sins............Pumpernickel
For dressing immodestly...............Tarts
For racist attitudes..................Crackers
For causing injury to others..........Tortes
For sophisticated racism..............Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou............Bagels
For dropping in without notice........Popovers
For impetuosity.......................Quick Bread
For indecent photography..............Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often......Challah
For pride and egotism.................Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, brown-nosing..........Brownies
For being overly smothering...........Angel Food Cake
For laziness..........................Any long loaf
For trashing the environment..........Dumplings
... and my personal favorite:
For telling bad jokes/puns............Corn Bread
For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we suggest a Tashlich Mix available in three grades (Tashlich Lite, Medium, and Industrial Strength) at your favorite Jewish bookstore.
Subject: Rosh Hashana Blessings.
All of our readers are, no doubt, familiar with the Rosh Hashanah custom of eating an apple dipped in honey and other symbolic foods that express our wishes for the New Year. On a recent trip to the grocery store, just for fun, I wondered what foods we should or should not eat today to express similar hopes for the future.
First, I think we should eat things that imply happiness, sweetness and prosperity - like Cheerios, honeydew, plums and Cream of Wheat (see Psalm 81:17). To promote tolerance among Jews, we should drink orange juice, grape juice and apple juice. To stress unity, we ought to eat things that stick together, like macaroni and cheese, and peanut butter. To remind us of the need for love and good will, let's have Hershey's kisses and Life Savers.
We should avoid eating anything that sounds violent: no cereal that has the words "Smacks" or "Pops" in their titles, no artichokes, no squash and no Bazooka gum. Also, nothing that sounds meshuggah, like flakes, bananas, or fruit cake. And definitely no balogna!
Many of the requests are based on plays on words between the name of the food and the request. Since these plays on words are lost on many who don't know Hebrew, there are those who have added their own requests. My favorite: before eating a raisin on a celery stick, "May it be Your will ... that I receive a raise in salary'."
Lastly, we should eat as many peas as possible, with the hope that 5760 will finally be the year that we see Moshiach bring peace to our war-weary world!
Subject: A Prayer for 5760.
May we relax about the Third Millennium of the Common Era, and realize that we still have 240 years until the dawn of the Sixth Millennium of the Jewish Calendar by which time the computer is long since obsolete and so are we.
May God give you the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and may some of the promises made be kept.
May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen.
May you be awe struck by God's sense of humor as you wrestle with the possibility that a professional wrestler could become president of the United States.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and may your check book and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.
And may the Messiah come this year, and if he does not may we live as if he has, in a world at peace and the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
Subject: Teshuvah by Voice mail.
THANK YOU for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hot line here in Heaven. Due to the approaching High Holidays, which is our busiest season, all of our telephone lines are temporarily busy. Please wait patiently as your call will be answered in sequence - and remember, patience is a virtue.
You will no doubt enjoy our musical selection of Yeshiva Rock and the Best of Shlomo Carlebach, while you wait. Please note that these telephone lines will not be available on the two days of Rosh Hashana, and on Yom Kippur. For a voice recording in Ashkenazic English dialect, press 1, for Sephardic, press 2, for New York, press 3. If you are uncertain, press 4. This line is also available in other languages. For Hebrew, press 5, for Yiddish, press 6, for Russian, press 7, for others, press 8. Please note that our service is not available in Arabic or French.
If you have never used the Interactive Teshuvah Hot line before, you will need to listen carefully to our simple sequenced instructions. This service is available for touch-tone telephone users as a supplement to your davening (praying) at shul over the Ten Days of Awe. It is not a substitute. Let us now begin.
To access your personalized account of all your known ,aveiros (transgressions), including dates and affected parties, please press 1 now. If you have not already apologized to the affected parties, please hang up now and call back when this has been done. For a personalized list of aveiros towards HaKadosh Baruch Hu, (Him) please press 2. Please note that in order to provide timely service to all callers, there is now a limit of 20 aveiros per person at one time. Politicians and Reform Party supporters will require several visits to complete their inventory. Humor columnists who frequently exceed their word counts or use big words should hang up now and try calling later, say, after the Millennium.
Please select the aveiros you have committed this past year. In case you have forgotten, we offer a list of the most popular aveirot. To activate this function, please press the pound (#) key. Once you have chosen the proper aveirah, enter the code and press the pound key to enter it. As you enter your aveirah, our service will prompt you for your Explanation. If you committed the aveirah because he/she did it, press 1.
If you did so by accident, but did not mean to, press 2. If you have a good reason, but won't tell anyone what it is, press 3. If you did so knowing you were wrong, but didn't think you would get caught, press 3. If you blame your legal counsel for the aveirah, press 4. If you blame the influence of Freud or television, press 5. If you blame it on Rock n' Roll, Rap and/or drugs, press 6. If you want to blame someone else for the aveirah but can't think of anyone in particular, press 7.
At the conclusion of your aveiros, enter the star (*) key. For those of you with 7 aveiros or less, we offer a Tzadik Express Line. Please press 1 to access this Express line now. This is only for real tzadikim: if you think you are a tzadik or tzadeket, you are probably not. Remember, no sneaking in with 8 or more aveirot. Please note that the same aveirah committed against two individuals counts as two items.
Now that you have entered your personal aveirot, you may access the Selichot component of our service. As our computer reads out each aveirah you have indicated, please enter the contrition code.
For example, a "1" means you are only mildly sorry for your action, "2" means you are somewhat sorry, but have mitigating circumstances and a good lawyer, "3" means you are very sorry but will likely repeat it and have a great lawyer, "4" means you are very very sorry, and will not repeat it unless there are mitigating circumstances and you have Dershowitz on retainer, and "5" means you are extremely sorry and will not repeat the aveirah under any circumstances, since you have only your second cousin's son-in law who failed the bar twice. Please proceed with your Selichot sequence now....
Our computer has now processed your request for Kaparah (atonement). Before we reveal the decision results, you may increase your score by pledging additional tzedakah to your favorite charity.
All major credit cards are accepted. Please enter your pledge amount (in US dollars), followed by your credit card number and expiry date. Thank you. Based on your Aveirah Score, Selichot Score and Tzedakah Score, you have been granted conditional atonement. This offer expires within one calendar year.
Thank you for visiting the Teshuvah Hot line today, and remember, we know everything.
Subject: Squirrels. A small town had two churches, Presbyterian and Methodist, and a Synagogue. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in their building. Each in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem.
The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.
The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church.
The Jews simply voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur.
Subject: Rosh HaShanna. It was Rosh Hashanah evening. In the old Jewish neighborhood, everyone was heading to services. And on his way to synagogue, the Rabbi notices one of his neighbors - an old timer - sitting on a park bench.
"Sam. Aren't you going to services."?
"Not this year, Rabbi."
"Why not Sam? Don't you think you should ask G-d for another year of good health?"
"Rabbi. I'm ninety-three years old. Most of my friends are gone. And I have a hunch. I think that in heaven they've forgotten about me. And the last thing I want to do... is remind them!"
Subject: A priest and a rabbi. A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"
Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyim pay retail....."
Subject: Morris. Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."
"What was the sin?" the rabbi asked.
"It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread."
"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?"
"I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant."
The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?"
"I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed."
"And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.
Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."
Subject: Playing golf. The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course.
He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course.
Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought you were going to punish him.
Do you call this punishment?!"
God replied, "Who can he tell?"
Subject: The Rosh Hashanah Diet. So I began a 'diet' before Rosh Hashanah! (I know you're all laughing!)
Firstly I hate the term 'diet' - because that means if you can start something, then you can just as easily stop it and starting it before Yom Tov was nothing short of completely absurd.
So Mrs. P. and I were power walking our way on the treadmill anxiously counting down the minutes until the honey cake hour. And so, the hour arrived and on the beautifully dressed Yom Tov table was a delicious marble cake; made with orange juice and quite moist, a light sponge marble cake; it's made with 12 eggs and is almost 15cm in height and so light and yummy, and then there's my mother's classic honey cake; so moist and delicious.
And so what does Rashi say about eating the cakes on the 'Rosh Hashanah diet' - he says that you must try each one in order not to G-d forbid insult any of the bakers; my mother and my 2 grand mothers - who are all eagerly watching each guest and seeing who will take which piece.
Now the truth is, that I could not have possibly been hungry; I had just consumed home-made gefilte fish, avocado dip, egg dip, challah, 3 slices of a rack of lamb with potato kugel, tzimmes and 3 different salads. Oh, and of course cut up fresh fruit. So when I asked 'who would like a cup of tea?' I thought I would be answered with complete silence. Instead I had a chorus for different types of tea and 1 black coffee - my grand mother was falling asleep and needed a quick fix - after all, it was almost 11pm.
Yom Tov came out after 7pm. I was back on the treadmill at 8pm. So too was Mrs. P. Well… so much for the Rosh Hashanah diet…..NOT!
After all - I'm not one to argue with Rashi!
Subject: A Prayer for a Happy New Year.
May you be blessed with good neighbors who are there for you when you need them, and who are not around too much when you don't need them.
May the clothing styles of yesterday come back so you I can wear all that stuff that I don't have the heart to throw away. Let Nehru jackets, and bell bottom trousers, and slim ties, and Hawaiian prints become fashionable for men again, so that I can be in style again.
And may empire waistlines, and muumuus, and granny skirts come back for women. After all, why should those foreigners -- Armani, Gucci, Versace and Borsini dictate what we wear? Instead may those great American Jewish designers... Poly and Ester, reign supreme, and may they bring back those wonderful stretch leisure suits, and sun bonnets and high button shoes, which are no longer seen anywhere, except maybe in Century Village.
May the expressions "you know", and "like", and "whatever" be retired.
And may those old fashioned expressions: "thank you", "pardon me", "after you", and "you look lovely", come back into use instead.
May we sing songs that are singable, that have lyrics that are understandable, and may we not have to wear ear plugs when our children play music in their rooms.
In this new year that now begins, may your hair, your teeth, your facelift and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your cholesterol and your mortgage interest rate not rise.
May the world enjoy a year that is free of hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, drought, and political speeches, which produce the most wind of all.
May you have a spouse, or a child or a friend, or a grandchild, who loves you, even though they really know you. And may you learn that giving love away freely without strings is the surest way of receiving it in return. And, in the darkest moments of this new year, and there will be some dark moments, be assured of that, in those dark moments of the year, may you remember that you are not alone, that God is with you, and that God loves you, that is why He made you just a little bit lower than the angels.
May you win the lottery, and thereby acquire a host of long lost relatives, and may you remember Beth Tikvah when you win.
May your insurance pay whatever your doctor charges, without insisting on any further investigation, and may the IRS accept whatever you pay, without insisting on any further investigation too.
May your children or your grandchildren receive a good report in school. and may you receive a good report too, from your dentist, from your ophthalmologist, from your dermatologist, from your cardiologist, from your gastro enterologist, from your podiatrist, from your urologist, and ultimately, from your God.
May there be peace this year between the Jews of Israel and the Arabs, and may there also be peace between the Jews of Israel, which sometimes seems much more difficult to achieve.
May your bank statement and your budget both balance, and may they both include generous amounts for charity.
May we discover evidence of civilized life on Mars this year, and, more important, may we discover evidence of civilized life, here on Earth.
May you receive a letter from a long lost friend, and a kiss from a long indifferent spouse or child; and may you see a smile on the face of your doorman, your mailman, and when you look in the mirror, every day.
May you feast your eyes often in this new year on green trees, on blue waters, and best of all, on the happy face of a grandchild, whom you have just embraced.
May we keep rage off of the freeways, and out of the workplace, and out of our homes, and direct it instead at racism, at poverty and at all the evils that we politely tolerate.
May we learn in this new year that what really counts the most is not the years but the days, not the machines we have in our lives, but the people we have in our lives, not how much we can accumulate but how much we can share, and with whom.
May you have enough to give you contentment, and may you have enough left over, so that you can be generous.
May the telemarketers not call you during dinner time, and instead, may you receive calls, from long lost friends, and from new ones too.
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