Subject: Rabbi Friedman's Commentary on Academy Awards. An Interesting Passover Sermon:
THE TWO MOVIES THAT WON THE OSCAR THIS YEAR (5758)
How many of you watched the Oscars this year?
How many of you watched to the very end?
Really? The next time somebody complains that our services were too long, i will remind you of how long that show was.
What struck me, as I watched a small part of it, was Billy Crystal's line: "How things have changed.. Last year Washington was complaining that there was too much sex in Hollywood... This year it is the other way around.."
And the other thing that struck me was that two movies won an Academy Award this year that, on the surface, seem to have nothing whatsoever in common. One was a movie that everyone seems to have seen...and the other was a movie that hardly anybody has seen, and yet, I believe that these two movies, taken together, represent the flip side of the same coin, and that these two movies, taken together, have much to say to each other. And to us.
The first movie, the one that everybody but me seems to have seen is Titanic.
I haven't gone to see it for two reasons. One is that there is no suspense, I already know how it ends. and two...any movie that is over 3 hours long... I will have to wait until I retire before I have time to see it.
The other movie was The Long Way Home which won the Oscar as the best documentary of the year.
It is a movie, produced by the Weisenthal Center in Los Angeles, that tells the story of those holocaust survivors, who somehow made their way to Palestine, and rebuilt their lives after the war. What is the connection between these two movies?
I think it is: Titanic tells the story of a ship, that everyone thought was indestructible...that was destroyed,
And The Long Way Home tells the story of a people that everyone thought was destroyed, that turned out to be indestructible.
The question that intrigues me is: Why did the Titanic sink? And why did the Jewish people survive? When everyone would have predicted that it would be the other way around?
My guess is that the reason the Titanic sank...is because those who made it, and those who sailed it, were overconfident...they were convinced that they had built something so marvelous, so magnificent, that it could never be destroyed... Whereas the Jewish people felt the other way around...they felt that they were on the very edge of destruction, they felt that they had been almost wiped off the face of the earth, and therefore, if they did not take desperate measures, they would not survive. There are now a whole slew of books out, about the Titanic...for some reason, people seem to be fascinated with the story....
And in one of these books, there is a picture....I didn't buy the book but I browsed thru it in the bookstore, and I saw a remarkable picture... on the day that the ship set sail, there was a banner on it, and the banner said; in large letters..."Even God can't sink this ship". That's arrogance, that is overconfidence, that is what the Greeks call hubris; what the Jews call chutzpa.
The people who built the Titanic, and the people who sailed it, were so smug, so arrogant, so sure of the invincibility of what they had made, that they sailed straight into destruction...
Whereas the Jews have learned to sail through the storm waters of history, carefully, and cautiously, and with full awareness that at any given moment...the flood waters of hatred or the storms of anti semitism may sweep over them....
There was a great scholar, who taught at Brandeis University, named Shimon Ravidowitz, who wrote an essay that deserves reading and rereading, The name of the essay is: The Ever Dying People...and the thesis of the essay is that, in every generation, the leaders of the Jewish people felt that we are the last generation... that it is almost over now... that, either because of anti semitism from the outside..or because of assimilation and atrophy on the inside, we jews are just about finished... and because they felt that way, they did whatever had to be done, to keep the ship of Jewish destiny afloat... at least for one more generation. If the Titanic was sunk, because of the overconfidence of its builders, the Jewish people have survived, because of the determination of its leaders..
That is what The Long Journey Home is all about...it is the story of a people that has been counted out, the shards, the broken people, the wounded and the maimed, physically and spiritually, who came out of the concentration camps... barely alive.... who crawled onto those illegal boats, and filled them, beyond capacity, and sailed thru the British blockade, and got to Palestine, And there, began life over again, and rebuilt themselves, and rebuilt the land, did so, even though everyone else thought they were finished, theirs is one of the great stories of human resilience in all of history, If the lesson of the Titanic is: al tivtichu bindivim, biven adam she eyn lo tishua... do not put your trust in people, for they are only human, the lesson of The Long Journey Home is: put your trust in people...for if they have courage and determination, they can accomplish the superhuman. Let me tell you a story that is so strange, it is hard to believe.. but it is true.
There were two brothers in America, who were very famous...Nathan and Isadore Straus, They were multi millionaires, and they were considered among the greatest philanthropists in this country, The two of them, Nathan and Isadore, together with their wives, took a tour of Europe in l9l2. They enjoyed all the cultural sites of the continent...the museums, the operas, the theaters, the palaces... and then, they got the idea of going to visit Palestine for a while. They hopped over from Europe to spend a few days in the Holy Land and, as happened, wherever they went, these two philanthropists were given vip treatment, They were shown the holy places, and the cities, they were shown the yeshivas and the artists colonies...they were given the royal tour, as is customary when distinguished philanthropists visit a country. And then,after a week, Isadore Straus and his wife said: "OK, already, it is enough... How many camels and how many yeshivas and how many hovels can you see? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. it is time to go.."
But Nathan Straus and his wife refused to leave. Somehow the sight of the Holy Land, and the sight of so many people living there in abject poverty, took hold of him...and he couldn't pull himself away.
The two brothers argued: Finally, Isadore said to his brother... OK, you stay here, if you insist, we're going back to America, where we belong... and so they separated.
Nathan Straus stayed in Palestine, and while he was there, he donated money for the creation of a lovely city, on the shore of the Mediterranean...
And since he was the chief donor, they named the city after him... his name in Hebrew was Natan, so they named the city: Natanya. And his brother, Isadore?? He went back to Europe, and got there just in time to make the connection....and so, on April l0, l9l2, he and his wife, Ida, boarded the Titanic in Southampton... and five days later, they were amongst the l500 other passengers and crewmen who went to a watery grave.
Isadore Straus died on the Titanic. and Nathan Straus missed the boat... but not really..Unlike his brother, he felt that he had a rendezvous with history.....and for the rest of his life, he lived with a sense that he had almost died...and that he must have been saved for a reason...and he gave of his means and gave of his time and gave of his energy to doing good. I think that the lesson of these two movies is clear: If you live with smugness and certainty and overconfidence, you end up with disaster....but if you live with awareness, and conviction and determination...and if you live with the knowledge that life is tough and life is dangerous...and that you are always on the edge... You may win out. I think of two groups whose lives prove this truth. I think of that motley mob that left Egypt on this day, some 3200 years ago...if any reporters had been there to cover the story...if cnn had been there that day, and had seen them leave... What would they have said?? That this bedraggled group ill equipped for desert travel...with no military experience whatsoever....which had left so quickly that it hadn't even waited for its bread to rise.......would never make it thru the wilderness. If Jimmy the Greek had been asked to give odds on whether this group would make it or not...can you imagine the odds he would have given? Smart money would have said: "No way," and 50 years ago? When those broken people, whose lives are described in The Long Way Home.... When they swam ashore in Palestine, and defied the British police who were looking for them, so that they could send them back to Europe.... Would anyone living then have predicted that they would not only be able to rebuild their lives but that they would build together a state that would be the strongest in the Middle East, that would have the best hospital between Europe and the Far East, that would have the most highly developed computer industry east of Silicon Valley, who would have believed it? But they did. The Titanic sunk...and these little boats, which were barely seaworthy survived... Gleib nisht in nissim.....How can you not believe in wonders? and so, when we sit at our seder tonight, let us learn from the story of what happened to Isadore Straus, not to be so arrogant, and so overconfident, and so proud of what human beings can do... And let us learn from the story of what happened to Nathan Straus to be proud, and to be confident of what human beings, who have a purpose beyond themselves, and who believe in a sacred cause, and who have the help of God, can do.
Subject: Spain During Passover. The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe's root crops.
A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after the Passover ended. The community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they tried approaching from among the European suppliers, they received the same reply: "Sorry! No can do."
In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv who happened to be the second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize the despatch of a crate of Israeli horseradish roots, by air-freight to Madrid. It took the friend a couple of days to organize, but two days before Passover, a crate of grade A tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the El-Al flight 789 destined for Madrid, Spain and all seemed to be well.
Unfortunately when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of Customs, he was informed that an unforeseen wildcat strike had just broken out among the members of the airport's Transport and General Workers Union after only a small amount had been off-loaded. He was heartsick to find out that no further shipments would be off-loaded for at least four days.
So you see that's why......
"the chraine in Spain stayed mainly on the plane!"
Subject: Cyber Rav. This is an official notification from the Cyber Rav:
It has come to my attention in these busy days before Passover that many Jews of all persuasions are busily cleaning up and kashering their homes and businesses from chometz (leaven foods) and are missing one of the most important places to be concerned about.
That of cyberspace and their personal websites!!!
As it is written in our holy Torah: (Shmot 12 verse 18-22)
"Seven days shall there be no leaven found in your houses: for whosoever eateth that which leaveneth, even that soul shall be cut off from the congregation of Israel, whether he be a stranger or a native of the land".
Our Rabbis of blessed memory defined "houses" to also include businesses and ALL of our possessions. This also includes cyberspace. For as we know most of us are living and working here more than anywhere else. AND for those of you who cannot bring themselves to sell and close off their cyberspace home for eight days, you MUST clean, and check thoroughly in its entirety all of your personal web space.
What does this include? As we know that chometz gamor cannot as yet exist in cyberspace, we must check for the next best thing which is VIRTUAL CHOMETZ (vc) or all words, pictures and sounds that pertain to chometz.
To help out everyone in this tremendous endeavor, we have made available virtual chometz checking kits (vcck) that can be sent directly to your e-mail box. These kits include a virtual feather, beeswax candle, bag, wooden spoon, and match.
For those of you too busy or not conversant in cyberspace cleaning, we have automatic search engines set up twenty-four hours a day (excluding Shabbat and holidays) to search for chometz. You will be notified of which chometz you possess and asked if you wish to sell it or have it removed and destroyed. Please also let us know if you allow legumes (kitniyot), or gebrochts.
If you wish to have it sold, it will be sold to a non-Jew and stored in his personal ftp site until after the eighth day and then returned. Send us your address for the virtual contract at: mail'at'arryc.com
For those of you not wanting to have to worry about surfing and finding yourself in a non-Passover setting, we are now proud to offer you MATZONET. MATZONET is the work of many fine yeshivah boys surfing the net and identifying sites of questionable content. When you sign up and log on with MATZONET, you will be kept out of websites not certified Kosher for Passover again depending upon your level of kashruth.
Coming next time;
The requirement of placing a mezuzah on the entrance to your websites.
Chag Kosher v'Sameach!!!
Subject: Chag Sameyach. Hey,
DO NOT OPEN THIS EMAIL, THIS EMAIL CONTAINS A VIRUS!!
I WARNED U !!
YOUR COMPUTER HAS JUST BEEN INFECTED WITH THE "CHUMETZ" VIRUS*.
* THE CHUMETZ VIRUS SPREADS CHUMETZ WITHIN ALL YOUR COMPUTER FILES.
According to Halacha if chumetz is found duringpesach you must destroy it.
Yes that means you must now destroy or format your entire computer. Anyone that does not format their computer will suffer the fires of Gehenim.
Or ask ur local rabbi for more information, on how to get rid of ur computer virus.
Just to wish you a Chag Sameyach
Subject: Top Ten Hanukkah Holiday Movie Rentals. 10. The Rocky Hora Picture Show
9. Yenta in a Blue Dress
8. Rabbi Scissorhands
7. Seven - but for you, 6.50
6. Matzo Impossible
5. Goy Story
4. Mensch and Menschability
3. The Mirror Has Two Faces - but for you, 1-3/4
2. The Hunchback of Temple Beth Israel
and, for the second year in a row, number
1. Prelude to a Briss
Subject: Top Ten Ways the Story of Purim Would be Different if it Occurred Today. 10. Vashti relieved that king calls her to dance naked and not one of his sleazy girlfriends
9. Story ends with Mordechai and Haman signing historic peace treaty on White House lawn
8. Bigtan and Teresh caught trying to return rental van used in assassination attempt
7. Haman's children finally killed by lethal injection after lengthy appeals process
6. Jews required to drink 'till they no longer know the difference between Pat Buchanan and Al Sharpton
5. In addition to Mishloach Manot and Matanot L'Evyonim, Megillah institutes No Alternate-Side-Of-The-Street Parking
4. Like Esther might ever agree to marry one of those slimy Ayatollahs
3. Instead of calling national fast day, Rabbis hold ill-attended rally in front of Persian embassy
2. Haman forced to share funds with rival extremist group, Hezbollah
1. Rav Shach orders followers not to fight Haman, 'cause having the Jewish community saved by a woman just isn't halachikly acceptable
Subject: The Purim Episodes of Prime Time TV Shows. Every year, prime-time television shows have their Christmas episodes and their Halloween episodes. Well, this year, Jewish leaders have petitioned the networks to create Purim episodes for their top hits as well. The networks have agreed, and what follows are the plots for the upcoming Purim episodes of a number of popular TV shows.
In a sequel to the "Sefer Torah" episode, a group of chassidim come to the precinct to report that their Megiallah has been stolen. Sipowicz comments that "them Jews sure use a lot of scrolls," then goes undercover once again as a chasid to catch the culprit. At one point, tensions arise between the Rabbi and Lt. Fancy, who is accused of not doing enough to help the chassidim because he is black. Meanwhile, Kirkendahl and Medavoy pursue a serial killer who has been attacking his victims dressed up as Haman. The suspect is captured, and he turns out to be a schizophrenic, who actually believes himself to be Haman. Jill, playing along with his delusion, comes in to the coffee room dressed as queen Esther, at which point the killer confesses and begs for mercy.
Law and Order:
A man walks into the local Jewish bakery to buy some bread. As his approaches the counter, he notices that the owner has been shot and killed. He screams. Curtis and Briscoe come to check out the crime scene, and note that all the hamentashen have been stolen. After wasting about 20 minutes pursuing false leads, they eventually arrest a suspect. The suspect is charged with murder. McCoy meets with the suspect's lawyer and offers Murder 2, 20-to-life. The lawyer responds by handing McCoy a motion to suppress the recovered hamentashen, on which the suspects fingerprints were found. It turns out that Lenny had eaten one of the hamentashen prior to making the arrest, and the lawyer claims that it might have had the fingerprints of the real murderer. Despite the ludicrousness of the claim, the judge grants the motion. McCoy is determined to figure out a way to get his man. His assistant grimly states that conspiracy to steal baked goods is only a C-felony. To which McCoy responds "yes, but some of the hamentashen were poppy, which is used to make opium, and drug trafficking carries a sentence of 15-to-life. At the trial, the defense council tries to make an issue out of the fact the Lenny has a Jewish father, and things turn ugly. The defendant is convicted, and on the way down the courthouse steps, Adam Schiff remarks wryly that "every generation has its Haman."
Ross throws a big Purim party for all his friends. Upon hearing that it's a costume party, Joey announces his plan to come as a eunuch because, he says slyly, "He's the one who guards the harem." Monica and Rachel get drunk while baking the hamentashen and as a prank, add laxatives to the batter. Chandler shows up at the costume store to pick up his Dracula costume, but is given an Elvira costume instead. He doesn't realize and wears it to the party, which further convinces all his friends that he's gay. Meanwhile, Monica and Rachel have realized what they did, but the tainted hamantachen have already been put out. Rachel, dressed as Queen Vashti, distracts the crowd, while Monica switches the hamentashen. She finishes just in time to save Rachel, who's been doing her best to stall. Ross has a flashback to an earlier Purim party where he came dressed as King Achashverosh and Rachel came as Queen Esther. Their eyes met from across the room, but before he could make his move, another guy dressed as Haman asked her to dance. Joey is confused at his inability to pick up women, and Chandler finally explains to him exactly what a eunuch is. Joey responds by saying "oooooh." At the end of the evening Phoebe plays her new Purim song on the guitar: Eat those hamentashen / Don't worry that you're noshin' / And don't think that I'm joshin' / You can eat those hamentashen.
Mark confronts old daemons arising from the time he sent his agnostic Jewish father Mishloach Manot and had it returned to sender. Meanwhile, a whole group of senior citizens from the Beth Jacob Home for the Elderly show up with severe diarrhea, having indulged in too many prune hamantachen at the annual Purim party. After being prodded by the nurses, Carter agrees to dress up as King Achachverosh to entertain the Jewish children in the pediatric ward. Anna, mistakenly thinking that it is her boyfriend dressed up as the King, drags Carter into one of the surgical supply closets. When she finds that it was indeed Carter, she realizes that they were meant to be together.
Oh please, who really cares?!
After convincing a parole board that he is rehabilitated, Sideshow Bob is released from prison and is later appointed as Deputy Mayor. As he walks around Springfield, he notices that Krusty's father, Rabbi Krustovsky, doesn't say hello to him. Insulted, he convinces Mayor Quimby to expel all the Jews from Springfield. Kent Borckman sadly reports the news, then comments that the station is looking for a new writer, a new director, and a new producer. At the Qwickie Mart, Apu comments to Marge that "for once someone is getting persecuted and it's not me." Smithers remarks to Mr. Burns that he hates to see any minority group being hurt since he "knows how it feels." Marge says that this reminds her of "The Diary of Anne Frank," at which point Homer salivates as he pictures a nice juicy hot dog and thinks 'uhluhluhluhl, Frank." Meanwhile, Lisa comments how "discrimination hurts all of us, not just the Jews" and urges Bart to "do something." Bart hatches a plan. He gets Rabbi Krustovsky to have his niece Marilyn get romantically involved with the Mayor, which she does. Marilyn then reveals to the Mayor that she's Jewish and the Mayor decrees that "the Jews shall remain in Springfield--which itself sounds like a Jewish name." Police Chief Wiggum, ready to carry out the expulsion, tells his men to resume their normal duties, at which point they all start eating doughnuts. Mayor Quimby instructs Chief Wiggum to arrest Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob tries to run away, but Bart trips him. As he's being led away he swears "revenge, sweet sweet revenge" on Bart. Guest appearances by Kelsey Grammar as Sideshow Bob, Jackie Mason as Rabbi Krustovsky, and Debra Winger as Marilyn.
The Drew Carey Show:
On Purim night, Drew and the gang drive a truckload of Buzz Beer over to the Telz Yeshiva High School for Boys. Having heard about Drew's plans, Mimi shows up as well; despite having come in her everyday clothes, she wins the contest for best costume. During Megillah reading, Oswald giggles uncontrollably every time the ba'al koreh says the name "Memoochan." Afterward, as the students get drunk on Buzz Beer, one of them comments to Kate that she's one good looking shiksa. The party is raucous and wild, and at the end a drunken Drew-who has come dressed as the Browns' mascot- is made an honorary Jew and given a Telz jacket.
The X Files:
Mulder and Scully are sent to an old Jewish community in the South where, for the past four years a Jew has been viciously murdered on Purim night. They talk to the local Rabbi, who says that he knows who's doing the killing, but that the local police won't listen to him. He relays to them an old midrash that states that while Haman's ten sons were all hanged by Mordechai, the next morning, only nine bodies were found hanging from the trees--Haman's son Dalphon had mysteriously disappeared. The Rabbi further quotes the midrash as saying that Dalphon was granted eternal life by the Devil in exchange for killing a Jew every Purim night. The Rabbi says that there is a man in town named Jack Dalphon, who he's sure is the second son of Haman and is the one committing the murders. Scully is skeptical of this old Jewish legend, but Mulder believes it. They question Jack Dalphon but can't pin the murders on him. The next night--Purim night--is cold and stormy. Mulder and Scully stand outside the synagogue as the congregants leave after Megillah reading. They notice Jack Dalphon following an old Jewish man. They approach him and he takes off. They chase him through an abandoned warehouse, and Jack tries to escape by jumping into the elevator shaft. But his head gets caught in the cable, and he is instantly hanged. Mulder and Scully go call the police, but when they return to cut down the body, Dalphon is gone. Spooky music...
Beverly Hills 90210:
Andrea decides to throw a big Purim party at the Peach Pit. During the party, Donna is decidedly melancholy. When confronted by Steve, she reveals that her first true love was Jewish, but that his parents wouldn't let him continue to see her; they broke up on Purim. Kelly brings a gorgeous date to party, but while she is in the bathroom, Valerie makes an offhanded comment that Kelly's AIDS treatment is going very well. When the boyfriend drops her off, he declines her offer for a kiss goodnight.
Mad About You:
Paul's parents are nervous about the upcoming Purim seudah with Jamie's parents, who are gentile. "We're celebrating the fact that our ancestors killed their ancestors", worries Paul's mother. The evening does, in fact, get off to a disastrous start when Paul's mother overhears Jamie's mother complaining how the Jews have too many holidays and Jamie's sister Lisa shows up dressed as Grand Inquisitor Torqemadah. In the end, the tension is relieved when they all laugh upon discovering that Murry ate the entire Turkey while the family was busy trying to get Mabel into her bunny costume. The Buckmans and Stempels decide to have their seudah at Jamie and Paul's favorite restaurant, where a confused Ursula accidentally brings them the roast pig.
On Purim day, Ally has a series of crises in which she is abusive to her secretary Elaine, worries aloud to her roommate that she will never find Mr. Right, has a personal conversation in the bathroom which is overheard by Richard Fish who's hiding in one of the stalls, and recalls an old intimate moment with Billy. This doesn't actually have anything to do with Purim-it's basically the plot of every episode.
Subject: Ways Yom Kippur is like Purim. from www.bangitout.com. 10. Someone's always passing out by the end of both.
9. You wear a nice suit for both, except on Purim you call yourself Agent Smith from the Matrix
8. Flying chickens spinning around your head is considered completely normal.
7. On Yom Kippur you don't drink and after Purim you swear you'll never drink again.
6. One has Kol Nidre, the other has someone dressed up as Dr. Dre.
5 In both stories "Winning the lottery" is actually a death sentence.
4 Heck, the whale threw up Jonah.
3. The phrase the "The whole Megillah" was made for Yom Kippur Services!
2. Sneakers make any Rabbi look like he is in costume
1. Hanging Judgment finally makes sense.
Subject: Rosh HaShanna. It was Rosh Hashanah evening. In the old Jewish neighborhood, everyone was heading to services. And on his way to synagogue, the Rabbi notices one of his neighbors - an old timer - sitting on a park bench.
"Sam. Aren't you going to services."?
"Not this year, Rabbi."
"Why not Sam? Don't you think you should ask G-d for another year of good health?"
"Rabbi. I'm ninety-three years old. Most of my friends are gone. And I have a hunch. I think that in heaven they've forgotten about me. And the last thing I want to do... is remind them!"
Subject: A Priest and a Rabbi. A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance. The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs. The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"
Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur...so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyim pay retail....."
Subject: Morris. Morris goes to the rabbi and says, "I committed a sin and I want to know what I can do to repent."
"What was the sin?" the rabbi asked.
"It happened just once," Morris assures him. "I didn't wash my hands and recite the blessing before eating bread."
"Nu, if it really only happened once," the rabbi said, "that's not so terrible. Nonetheless, why did you neglect to wash your hands and recite the blessing?"
"I felt awkward Rabbi," said Morris. "You see, I was in an un-kosher restaurant."
The rabbi's eyebrows arch. "And why were you eating in an un-kosher restaurant?"
"I had no choice," Morris said. "All the kosher restaurants were closed."
"And why were all the kosher restaurants closed?" the rabbi asked.
Morris replied, "It was Yom Kippur."
Subject: Playing Golf. The rabbi was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course.
He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi playing the best game he had ever played! The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course.
Moses turned to God and asked, "I thought you were going to punish him.
Do you call this punishment?!"
God replied, "Who can he tell?"
Subject: Yiddish Paper. Rabbi Mordechai Schleppman was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils.
So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when little Saul handed in a poor paper.
"This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the rabbi. "It has to many mistakes I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."
"One person didn't," replied Saul defensively. "My father helped me."
Subject: Florida Rabbi. In a large Florida city, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah, but he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon.
So he decided to hire a Shabbos goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbos goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.
Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi.
The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial in-sermon-ation.
Subject: Rabbi's Letter. A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:
The next Friday night he announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But, this week, I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."
Subject: Long Hair. A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
Subject: Conversion. Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish.
As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000."
"$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
Subject: Shul pick up Lines. 1. Pray here often?
2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.
3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but I've been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.
4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.
5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?
6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.
7. Since we're in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?
8. The rabbi's sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?
9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?
10. Don't let my tallis-bag fool you -- I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.
11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.
12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.
13. Whenever I see you, I think of the shammes, also known as the sexton.
14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you...complete...me.
15. You had me at Adon (Olam).
16. Like an incoherent chazzan, I'd like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
17. I think I've lost my page number. Can I have yours?
18. Won't you bimah, bimah baby tonight.
19. I may bless God that "He did not make me a woman", but I'm sure glad He made you one!
20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the women's section all morning...
21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what you've been praying for?
22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbor's property. I sure hope you live across town!
23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, you're a 10!
24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?
Subject: The Priest and The Rabbi. The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed.
The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question.
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
"Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean."
"Who of those two goes to wash up."
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud."
"The exact opposite happened." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean." "Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again." "I told you that you will not understand." "The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that that there is a mirror there."
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud.
According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."
"Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest.
"Two men fall through the chimney. One came came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
That is very simple! replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.
The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding."
"You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain."
"Tell me: How is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"
Subject: Talmud Class. The Rabbi in my son's Talmud class was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up. He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and, without realizing it, he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the rabbi said "Goldberg, translate and explain,"
Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today."
"All right," said the rabbi. "You translate and explain."
Subject: Dog in Shul. A man walks into Shul with a dog. The Rabbi immediately goes over to the gentleman and demands that he remove the dog from the Shul. "Wait a minute rabbi you don't understand, this is my special dog Chaim." The rabbi replies, "I don't care, you cannot have a dog in Shul, please remove the dog immediately".
Rather than continue to argue with the rabbi, the man looks toward the dog and says, "Chaim go get a tallis." The dog promptly walks to the back of the Shul, picks up a tallis, puts it on and walks back to his master. The Rabbi is amazed and asks if the dog can do anything else. The man says, "Sure, Chaim go get a siddur." Chaim promptly goes to the back of the Shul and gets a siddur. The Rabbi is stupefied, "Can he do more?" The man replies, "Can he do more, watch this. Chaim say Shema." and the dog promptly recites the entire Shema.
The Rabbi was flabbergasted, "You know you could make a fortune with that dog!!" "You're telling me", replied the man, "believe me I know ,but all he wants to do is sit and learn!!"
Subject: Chandelier. Old Rabbi Wolfson had begged his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down, sullen and hopeless in his ambition.
Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time talkin'?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it.
And third, what we need in the shul is more light!"
Subject: Religious Nuts. A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Subject: Good News and Bad News. There is the story of a rabbi who got up on the bima one Saturday morning and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Subject: Top Ten Jewish Superheroes. 10. Engagement Girl - With the power of her diamond ring, she suddenly doesn't have to be nice anymore
9. Rabbi Doctor, Doctor Rabbi -His split personality allows this super rabbi to sneak in and out of modern society undetected
8. Supershmuck - In New York City, he's seemingly everywhere.
7. Apikores Boy - The trusty sidekick of most ivy league Jewish philosophy professors
6. Dr. Toofrum - He has the unknowing power of being condescending in any conversation
5. Minyan girl - She has suddenly been given the powers to lain and daven, but no one has a clue of the source for her powers.
4. Fleish Gordon - Meaty Chulent is what gives him his speed! Vegitarian = kryptonite
3. Z'Man - Instills the power of being precise about exactly when you can light candles
2. The Incredible Hock- His utility belt consists of 100 useless keys, 3 beepers, a walkie-talkie and a magnet bencher/tefillat Ha derech. If something is wrong, his hocker senses (beeper) starts vibrating.
1. The Shmorg - He can manage sushi, roast beef, Chinese food and pareve ice cream all on one plate
Subject: Driving. A rabbi is driving down a small side street, and suddenly his car hits another head-on. He gets out of his car and walks over to the other one to make sure nobody was hurt. He discovers that the other driver, who was unharmed, is a priest. The two clergymen start talking and agree that it is a miracle that neither one was hurt. It must be a sign from God.
The rabbi's eyes light up, and he returns to his car. He rejoins the priest, carrying a bottle in his hands.
The rabbi tells the priest that it must also be a sign from God that he happened to have a bottle of wine in his car. They should have a drink of thanksgiving. The priest heartily agrees. The rabbi pours two cups of wine. The priest drinks it down in a single gulp, but the rabbi doesn't touch his. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Aren't you going to drink, too?" The rabbi responds, "No...I think I'll wait for the highway patrol."
Subject: Cash. "Hello, Rabbi Korkuff?"
"This is John Reilly, deputy director of the Manhattan branch of the Internal Revenue Service. I'm calling about a member of your congregation, Samuel J. Prischoff, who is in the real-estate business."
Mr. Prischoff has claimed a five-thousand-dollar deduction on his tax return. He says he contributed that amount, in cash, to your temple.
"Mr. Reilly," said the rabbi, "if you call back tomorrow, the answer, I assure you--will be 'Yes.'"
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 265
Subject: Donations. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...
Subject: The Rabbi & the Egg. A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put a egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued......" and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
Subject: Funny, you don't look... A Jewish Australian went to a Conference in China. While there, he decided that he would like to attend a Synagogue, to see how Jews in China worship. He inquired and in due course found one. He sat down among the worshippers, all of them Chinese in appearance. The service was conducted by a Rabbi who also was Chinese in appearance. At the end of the service which was generally familiar to the Australian visitor, the Rabbi walked up to him and asked: "Please forgive my asking, but exactly why are you here?" The Australian man was a bit taken a back but answered: "Oh, I am Jewish, and I wanted to see how Chinese Jews worship, that is why I am here."
Strange that, said the Rabbi. You don't look Jewish.
Subject: High Holiday Seating. High Holiday Seating Application
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible:
I wish to be placed in a seat next to someone who wishes to discuss the following topics:
I wish to be seated in a seat where
I can see my spouse over the mechitza
I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
I can see my friends spouse over the mechitza
My spouse cannot see me seeing my friends spouse over the mechitza
No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
I can sleep during services
I can sleep during the rabbis sermon (additional charge)
I wish to be located next to the following so that I may obtain free professional advise:
Real estate agent
Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:...............
Subject: Service. A pious rabbi passed away and arrived in heaven; he was immediately served a meal of schmaltz herring. Though surprised and a little disappointed at this humble meal, the rabbi said nothing. But later, glimpsing into the Other Place, he noticed that people there were eating bagels and lox, toast, and eggs.
For the next meal the rabbi was again served a plate of schmaltz herring, only this time it was accompanied by a glass of tea. After the meal, the rabbi looked again at the Other Place, and noticed that the people there were feasting on blintzes, soup, sour cream, and berries.
For supper an angel came and brought the rabbi another plate of schmaltz herring and a glass of tea. Later, he looked at the Other Place, where he noticed that the people were eating steak and turkey, and drinking fine wine.
Finally, the rabbi could not control himself, and he turned to the angel and said, "I don't understand it. This is supposed to be heaven, but all I get to eat is schmaltz herring. But in the Other Place, I see that they eat like kings."
The angel gave an uneasy smile and replied, "I know. But to tell you the truth, it doesn't pay to cook for just two people."
Subject: Golf. The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to lay.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
Subject: Jews in Space. The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked up the capsule.
The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience."
The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?" He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!"
The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"
The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"
Subject: G-d and the Golfer. The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms.
One Yom Kippur, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services."
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.
Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, "Look how terrible - a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a Rabbi beside!" G-d replied, "Watch, I'm going to teach him a lesson."
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened of a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"
"Sure", said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?"
ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76. c:\navhmi\data\global.sig
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
our place or mine? Divorced man, 42 with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object ..macaroni, POB 77
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658
Subject: Sufferin' Suckatash! A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
Subject: Sleeping Arrangements. A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Subject: The Donation Checks. A local Rabbi was dissatisfied with the small amount in the contribution account at the bank. Someone (The synagogue Treasurer no doubt) suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the sanctuary is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 10 times Chai in their checks to the synagogue charity account."
So the very next Saturday, the Rabbi did as suggested, and lo and behold the collections were full of 10 times Chai ($180.00) checks. Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Saturday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the floor of the "bema" with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
Subject: The Old Man. A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Subject: In Debt. Cohen had been in business for many years and his business was going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. So he went to his Rabbi to seek advice. He told the Rabbi about all of his problems in business and asked the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi said "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and knew immediately what he had to do.
Three months later the man and his family came back to see the Rabbi. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in beautiful silk. The man handed the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wants to donate this money to the temple in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi was delighted. He recognizes the man and asked him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11."
Subject: Why moshiach may be late this year. For immediate release
Messiah Delay Expected--Y2K problem cited
Disappointing news out of Jerusalem today--delay predicted in the coming of the Messiah. A spokesman for God blamed software problems arising from Y2K bug as the source of the delay.
Recently, Heaven has been preparing for a launch of the Messianic Era. In a bit of bad luck, the selected time, Tishrei 5761, is also 2000 CE, and subject to the infamous Y2K problem. "We just didn't realize how pervasive this problem was" God said yesterday. "We thought Y2K was a just Gematriah thing. Who knew?"
The Y2K bug brought down three of Heaven's main servers and God's personal laptop during a full-up dress rehearsal simulation of the anticipated Messianic times. Heaven's spokesman would not discuss the servers for security reasons, but did mention that God uses an IBM ThinkPad, running Microsoft WorldPerfect 7 under Windows NT. Requests for comment from Microsoft went unanswered. "These computers are really a mixed blessing," God said. "I don't like to say it, but you know, 'Darned if you do, darned if you don't.'"
Heaven is waiting for a software patch from Microsoft to resolve the problem. The spokesman for Heaven said Microsoft would not promise a date for the fix."I can tell you for a fact that Bill Gates is not the Messiah,"God commented. "But as of now, he's the only one who can bring him."
For more continuing coverage of the issue, check out the website:
About the Software, WorldPerfect 7:
Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are even relevant "upstairs." Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based systems to computers. The following are excepts from a recent interview with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing was the way to go."In the olden days, you only had to track 613 mitzvot per Jew. No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees, minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer. "Our first piece of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc--you know, for the Das operating system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully integrated world processor,WorldPerfect 7.
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here--so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand--how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system....
Subject: IRS. An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
Subject: The Plaque. One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
Subject: Kol Nidre.
Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan, got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for." Gottlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
Subject: Shabbath Sex.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to the minister...a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work ... my wife would have the maid do it."
Subject: The Rebbe.
The Satmar Rebbe has died. He goes straight up to Gan Eden. He finds a large table surrounded by a great number of long-bearded men studying Gemara, shokeling the whole time.
On the table is an enormous smorgasbord of delicacies: kishke, shlishke, kugel, roast chicken, gefilte fish, and lots of other goodies. As the men learn, they take food off the table and eat it.
One man approaches the Rebbe: "Rebbe, at last you have joined us! All day, we study and, while we study, we have a great banquet. Please join us. Would you like something to eat?"
The rabbi looks at the man and asks him, sternly, "Who's the mashgiach?"
The man looks at the Rebbe incredulously, and replies, almost with a laugh, "This is Gan Eden! HaKodoysh Bareech...He is the mashgiach!"
The Rebbe strokes his long, white beard for half an hour and shokels, pondering the matter. All his students look at him eagerly, waiting to hear what the Rebbe will say.
Finally, the Rebbe speaks: "I'll have the fruit," he says, "on a paper plate."
Subject: Y2K in Heaven.
Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are even relevant "upstairs."
Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based systems to computers.
The following are excepts from a recent interview with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing was the way to go."
"In the olden days, you only had to track 613 mitzvot per Jew."
"No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees, minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer."
"Our first piece of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc - you know, for the Das operating system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully integrated world processor, WorldPerfect 7."
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here - so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand - how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system...."
Subject: The Perfect Rabbi.
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect.
Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Subject: What if God had voice mail?
We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life.
But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"
Imagine praying and hearing this:
Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquires.
What if God used the familiar excuse... "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line"
Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in Prayer?
If you would like to speak to:
For Michael, Press 2
For a directory of Rebbeyim,Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key (#).
(If you get a negative response, try on 19 Kislev.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter C-H-A-B-A-D followed by Y-L-V
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already prayed THREE times today; Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for Shabbat; please pray again Sunday at 7:15 AM
If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local Rebbe or Rabbi or Moshiach....
Subject: Snow and the Jewish question.
A Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow
By Jordan Max
LAST YEAR, in Toronto, we had a lot of snow. I spent many hours shoveling snow. Shoveling snow is boring work, and after a while a mind tends to wander. So I resolved that this year I would be prepared with lots to think about. I researched and sent letters to key Jewish figures, polling them for their keen insight on shoveling snow. Their
Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."
Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"
Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."
Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow"; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."
Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."
Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"
Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of Jewish teenagers shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision, will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."
Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"
Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."
The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared anyway."
Now, if I could just find my boots.
JWR contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist and columnist for The Candian Jewish News.
Subject: The Graveyard Shift.
There were two brothers, Chaim and Yankel who were very poor, everything that they did they did together, every business they tried failed, till they had no choice but to go and steal food. Once they took from the bakery a loaf of bread and divided it equally, when they ate it up, they stole something else... etc.
One day they decided that they needed to steal something that will last them a long time. Both are thinking and thinking till Chaim says "I know, we will steal nuts, because nuts are very filling and are very small."
On the first night of "Slichitot" (The last Saturday night before Rosh Hashanah) at 10:00 PM right before the grocery was closing Yankel sneaked in and hides. After the owner left and locked the door, Yankel comes out of his hiding place and opens the door for Chaim.
Chaim comes in, they look around and find a big sack of nuts. They are about to go but one brother says "Where are we going to divide it so our wives will not be suspicious?".
"Let's go to the shul."
"No, everyone is there for slichot."
"Let's go to the ladies section."
"No, what's if someone looks in."
"I know we will go to the graveyard."
This graveyard had two entrances, one where they came in and one on the other side, so the decided that the first entrance they could see if anyone comes in and the second one they took a piece of metal with two nuts and put it on top of the door, so if anyone comes in, it will make a noise.
They both take out their sacks and start counting "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, etc..."
It came 1:00am, and the gabay was going around waking everybody up for services. When he passed the graveyard he froze, he heard "One for me and one for you.." He ran to the Rabbi and told the Rabbi "I just passed the graveyard and I heard the angel of death and the angel of life were dividing the souls."
The Rabbi went with the gabay and they both hear "One for me, one for you. Now we are finished it was a good job and so let's go."
Then one brother asks the other one "What's about the two nuts by the door?"
The Rabbi and the gabay fainted.
The board of the synagogue was having a meeting about the Rabbi's new contract.
The president finally came out and said, "Rabbi, we can give you the new house, the new car and the $20,000 raise, but we can't give you the new Tallis."
The Rabbi said, "What--you give me all those other things and can't give me a new Tallis--why?"
"Because," replied the President, "those fringe benefits will kill us!"
Subject: Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew.
by Rabbi Jack Moline
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
A: No , mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
C: And what about me?
C: me, me, me!
A: Hu, hu, hu!
C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A: No, hu is he!
C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
C: Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: 'Then who is he?
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
C: And then you say who is he.
C: And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C :Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
C: I said Ma.
C: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
C: Not what, who!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
Subject: Kosher Computers.
If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes, such as:
The Rabbi comes over and performs a bris, taking a little piece off the tail of the mouse.
I have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik software and one for milchedik.
Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt.
The screen savers include Flying Dreidels.
My PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
If my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
My Start button has been replaced with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button.
I hear Hatikvah during Startup.
Microsoft Office now includes: a little byte of this, and a little byte of that.
When running Scan disk, I am prompted with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
I saw a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
Computer viruses can now be cured with some chicken soup with matzo balls.
I had to replace the mouse with a yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm not allowed to touch the Scroll bar.
When I open AOL, the announcement doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You don't WRITE, you don't CALL!"
When I Delete files I get a Dialogue Box that says "Listen, you never know, you might need this someday. So should I cancel already?"
When I click on Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows.
It also came with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically turns the hard drive on after sundown, scans the most recent files slowly and prints out during services.
For an additional $29.95 it's accompanied by a Chulent CD-ROM... that slowly surfs the Internet during Shabbos, amassing an assortment of Web sites which then sit in the Browser Cache of my hard drive and stew until after sundown Saturday.
And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to Shut Down, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, LOOK, I REALLY GOTTA GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL.
Subject: Breaking the fast of Tisha B'Av.
One the day after the fast of Tisha B'Av, the rabbi sent for Hershele.
"My disciples have told me that you were seen eating yesterday, the day of the fast. Is it true that you have committed so grave a sin?"
"Let me explain what happened," said Hershele. "As I was leaving the synagogue after morning prayers, I walked along the river where the poor women do their laundry. One of the women remarked that everybody in town was fasting today. 'Is that so?' said her friend. 'Well, I wish I had a hundred rubles for every Jew who will eat today!' And to make sure that this poor woman would have at least a hundred rubles, I decided that I should break the fast."
Subject: A Mezuzah For Lamborghini.
After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: A new Lamborghini!
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days and finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah. "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reformed!"
Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he breaks down and goes to the Reformed Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?"
Subject: Rabbi's Advice.
Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Subject: Another Flood.
A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it; in six days the waters will wipe out the world.
The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven.
The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too late to accept Jesus," he says.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach: "We have six days to learn how to live under water."
Subject: Elderly Rabbi.
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy--to taste pork. He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in! They immediately see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat. At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts the lid to reveal -- what else? -- roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"
Subject: Sun or Moon?
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi.
"What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
Subject: Newly Religious.
A lifelong backslider suddenly "saw the light" and approached the local rabbi.
"Rabbi, from now on I will attend synagogue services regularly," he promised.
"I'm glad to hear that," smiled the wise old rabbi, "but remember -- going to synagogue doesn't make you a Jew any more than going to a poultry farm makes you a chicken!"
A jewish woman goes to see the rabbi; she complains about her heavy headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, she shouts, overjoyed: "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies: "No madam, It is not gone. I have it now."
Subject: Rabbis and Apikorsim. A Rabbi was in a restaurant and he saw an Apikores eating, without having a covering on his head.
"Rabbi" said the Apikores, "it says to judge your fellow Jew favorably, what kind of reason can you find for my eating without my head covered?"
The Rabbi answered him "Since you don't have a head you don't need to cover it".
An Apikores once sent a present to the Rabbi - A picture of a pig. The Rabbi sent back his picture with a note: "Thanks for sending me your picture, here's my picture".
An Apikores once asked a Rabbi: "I know that if a Rabbi walks into a room you're supposed to stand up and if a dog comes in you should sit down, what if they both walk in together?" The Rabbi answered him: "Let's walk in to a room together and we will find out".
An Apikores once asked a Rabbi: "I transgressed all the Mitzvot in the Torah, do you know any more that I can transgress?" The Rabbi answered him: "Yes, To kill yourself".
A Rabbi walked in to a nonkosher restaurant to use the bathroom, and he saw one member of his congregation (David) eating pig. Embarrassed David answered: "well at least it's under Rabbinical Supervision!!".
Subject: Gefilte Fish, the Real Story. (by Lawrence Sherry)
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So once again, here goes.
Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish can be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of the lake with some Matzoh. Now this is very important!! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here boy," "here boy." The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come en masse to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.
Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell". Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish! Only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy"!
The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming ,and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time. I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy. Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes!
Subject: Everything I really need to know I learned from Noah's Ark. 1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah build the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.
3. Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.
4. Build on the high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so was the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee - float.
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain - shovel!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
17. DON'T MISS THE BOAT!!!!
More Noah's ark humor
Another fellow, an atheist since his youth, became not only interested but devout in his late years. At the age of seventy-five, he decided to come back to the faith of his fathers.
One evening, he attended services at Temple Israel, the first time he'd been in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah days at the age of thirteen. He heard the Rabbi announce that the next week's sermon would address the question of the great and terrible biblical flood that destroyed all life in the world.
The old man approached the Rabbi after services and said that he was sorry not to be able to attend services next week, that he'd be out of town. "But don't worry, Rabbi, put me down for $20 to aid the flood victims."
What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
"Now I herd everything"
Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
They kept saying neigh
What animal could Noah not trust?
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
Noah--he took Ham with him on the ark
What did God say when Noah told him he wanted to build the ark out of bricks?
"No, Noah -- go for wood"
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck
Who was the first canning factory run by?
Noah - he had a boat full of preserved pairs
Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
No, he came fourth out of the ark
Which animal took the most baggage into the arc?
What animal took the least?
The elephant took his trunk.
But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them,
Why weren't there any worms on the arc?
Because worms come in apples not in pairs.
What creatures were not on the arc?
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the ark hives.
Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
Where was Noah when the lights went out?
Why couldn't Noah catch many fish?
He only had two worms.
When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible?
When the dove brought the green back to the ark.
What did the cat say when the ark landed?
Is that Ararat?
If you insist on litigation, you can be sure of tribulation.
Subject: Judaism 1.0 [Query]
Hi, I'm about to install SCO Unix. But I heard that any Unix is full of daemons or demons. I uninstalled Linux because of that reason and because I had a lot of trouble since having installed it. As a Christian user, I don't want to have to do anything with Satan and his daemons. Is the only alternative for me Windows NT?
I'm afraid that all platforms have daemons running somewhere. To see NT's, right click on the task bar, select "Task Manager" and you'll see all the programs running in the background. The solution to your problem is not to switch to NT but to upgrade to a new personal operating system that does not require the fear of daemons. I recommend Judaism 1.0 which had been offering an un-advertised competitive upgrade for the last 6,000 years. Check your phone directory for the address of your nearest authorized services center for details.
There are many other advantages to an upgrade to Judaism 1.0:
Thousands of local authorized services centers (temples).
Expert consultant at every services center (rabbi).
User group meetings every Saturday.
Advanced Study Centers (Yeshivah).
Annual reboot ceremony (Yom Kippur).
Economical. Does not require a large Vatican MIS department.
Flexible development, arguing and porting environment.
Runs most compatible jobs and careers without modification.
To aid in the upgrade, Judaism 1.0 comes with a complete Documentation package, including:
Source Code (Torah).
Translation to English (Old Testament).
Annotated release notes (Talmud).
Getting Started guide (Maftir).
There are some details which must be known before upgrading. Due to reliability considerations, multiple personal operating systems are not supported. Therefore, the upgrade is actually a total replacement. Fortunately, the tested in-place-upgrade preserves everything and does not require unloading assets and starting over. Although there are no license fees, maintenance charges (tithe) or Upgrade charges, donations are usually requested at the Saturday user group meetings, (but not at the orthodox ones) and after the annual reboot ceremony. There are media charges for printed documentation. Some minor accessories (yamulkah, tallis, tefillin) may need to be purchased.
Once the Judaism personal operating system is installed and properly licensed, you are allowed to make backup copies for all your child processes. However, they will be running "Judaism Lite" until age 13 when the full personal operating system may be safely installed (Bar Mitzvah). There are a number of holidays, festivals and events which may involve some downtime. These are explained in the documentation in excruciating details. The lunar calendar is non-standard but conversion utilities are available.
Judaism 1.0 is compatible with both Unix and NT. It involves no fear Of daemons, numbers (663) or scientific notation. Many features of the Beta versions of Judaism were cloned by your existing personal operating system. Reliability is greatly enhanced by 5,759 years of experience as compared to only 1,998 years for your current installation. This allowed time to do testing and avoid squabbles over standards as is currently underway in Ireland.
Judaism 1.0 is an impressively powerful personal operating system, but with an installed base of only 3% of the US population. This small but fanatically loyal user base has resulted in extremely low turnover. This also yields excellent system reliability, honesty, survivability and high net worth benchmark results.
Having run Judaism 1.0 for the past 50 years, I can testify as to all the above advantages. I have never experienced a system crash, hang, purge or pogrom that could be attributed to a bug or glitch in the personal operating system. I highly recommend installing the upgrade.
Subject: The Confessional. A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned.
I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man replies, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says,
"Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replies, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Woman says "Once."
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three
Subject: Business. A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Torah and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Torah out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Torah will stay open at a particular page. Read the Torah and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Torah in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Torah. The wind rifles the pages of the Torah and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Torah and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank him for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Torah brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Parsha Yud Aleph (Chapter 11)."
Subject: Viagra on Shabbat. Bet Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure ("boneh").
Bet Hillel says, do not read it as boneh, but rather as boner, and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown, as long as Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than an hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and the man's wife does not have a headache.
And what Brocha does he say before taking the pill? Some say, "Bo-rey pree ha-ets." Others say "Zokeif k'fufim." But the Halacha is, "Ya'aleh v'yavo."
Bet Shammai - "House of Shammai" the school of Shammai, a Talmudic Rabbi
Bet Hillel - the school of the Talmudic Rabbi Hillel, usually in opposition to Bet Shammai
Kabbalat Shabbat - prayers said before the Sabbath begins
Brocha - blessing
Bo-rey pree ha-ets - blessing over the fruit of the tree (i.e., wood)
Zokeif k'fufim - straightens those who are bent over (from the silent prayers - Amidah)
Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come
Subject: Rabbi Problems. A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Rothenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
Subject: Jonah and the Whale. A little girl was observed by her Rabbi waiting for her parents to come and pick her up. The Rabbi noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale."
Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation.
"What's that you have in your hand?", he asked.
"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered.
"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?"
The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!"
He inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big fish, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK?
You really believe all that can be true?"
She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Scriptures and we studied about it today!"
Then the Rabbi asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?"
She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The Rabbi then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in Heaven?"
She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"
Subject: Settling a Theological Dispute. So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Subject: Who Wants to Be a Kosher Millionaire! Now, of course, you know all the Rules
YOU HAVE THREE LIFELINES to help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his Opinion.
2. You may ask the Congregation for their Opinion
3. You may consider your Wife's or Mother's Opinion... or not!
SO..... let's play "Who Wants to Be a Kosher Millionaire!"
Q: Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
Q: What's the name of facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A: Oil of Oy Vay.
Q: What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A: "Debby Does Dishes."
Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: "Your mother pays retail!"
Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become human?
A: When it graduates from med school.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft, and her nails long and beautiful?
A: Nothing, nothing at all.
Q: Define "Genius:"
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen.
Q: Why did the Moyel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
YOU SHOULD ONLY ENJOY!!!
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