Subject: Phone Charges. The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, so indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course, refuses. The Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges are 100,000 lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.
After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel." The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
Subject: Horse Racing. Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight.
Right before the first race, an Orthodox Rabbi visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing.
Charlie watched the horse race very carefully and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first!
Charlie followed the Rabbi before the next race and again, he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.
Charlie played hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The Rabbi continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races, Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the Rabbi and watched carefully which horse he blessed.
He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.
Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and, as they crossed the finish line, the horse that Charlie bet on, was dead last!
Charlie was crushed.
He located the Rabbi and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day and they all became winners, except for the last horse on which he had bet his life's savings.
Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse whom you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"
"That's the trouble with you Reformed Jews," sighed the Rabbi. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and Kaddish."
Subject: The Emergency Room Visit. I am a doctor and an orthodox Jew. I am accustomed to wearing a yarmulke (head covering).
One night, I was called to the ER for a woman with pelvic pain. After performing a full pelvic examination, I informed her that surgery was necessary and left to make the arrangements.
The nurse entered and asked, "Did the doctor explain everything to your satisfaction?"
The woman replied "I haven't seen the doctor yet".
The nurse said, "But I thought I spoke to him about you."
The woman answered, "No, the only person who's been in here is a Rabbi".
Subject: Who Wants To Be A Jewish Millionaire? $100
Which of these names is least likely to be found at temple?
The term "Bloomies" refers to
B. A wonderful store
D. The British
The person your therapist is most likely to hear about is
A. Your boss
B. Your roommate
C. Your mother
D. Your dog
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
D. None, I'll just sit here in the dark.
The most disturbing thing about the TV show "Friends" is
A. Monica needs a meal
B. Rachel needs a haircut
C. Joey needs a brain
D. Ross and Monica are siblings, but Monica is so obviously gentile and Ross is so obviously Jewish.
You should call your mother
A. Every single day
Your son will least likely be
A. A doctor
B. A lawyer
C. A fireman
D. A rabbi
House robe is to Slippers as Little Black Dress is to
D. A Nice Pair of Prada Slides
Murphy Brown's producer was
A. Miles Silverberg
B. Simon Goldenstein
C. Brian Rosengold
D. David Bergsteiner
Which of the following comedians is not Jewish but could be?
A. Jon Stewart
B. Billy Crystal
C. Robin Williams
D. Ben Stiller
Fill in the blank: During the summer, I go _____ the shore.
What popular game is played by many Jewish college students?
A. Chutzpah and Ladders
B. Pin the Tallis on the Rabbi
C. Go Gefilte Fish
D. Jewish Geography
Which of the following is not a traditional bagel variety?
D. Asagio Cheese
Which food is least likely to appear in a Jewish Deli?
A. A Knish
B. Matzoh Ball Soup
C. Corned Beef on Rye
D. Beef Wellington
When preparing a meal for a family of five, the actual number of people
you should prepare food for is:
D. The population of Long Island.
What celebrity told Oprah her favorite present was a mezuzah she got from her grandmother?
A. Sally Field
B. Gwyneth Paltrow
C. Cameron Diaz
D. Angelina Jolie
ARE THESE YOUR FINAL ANSWERS? CHECK THEM AGAINST THE ANSWER KEY BELOW.
Subject: Bacon. Lloyd succombed to eating bacon one day. He felt so remorseful that he had nightmares and couldn't sleep at all for a whole week. In the end he became quite depressed about it. He decided to go and see the rabbi.
"Hmm..," said the rabbi, "you must start regularly attending shul, and after each prayer during the day you must say three chapters of tehillim."
Lloyd agreed. As soon as he could he went to shul and joined in the Mincha prayers. Then he sat down on a bench, picked up a sefer and started to read his three chapters of tehillim. Lloyd couldn't help noticing a chassidic man sitting next to him, with the full garb - black hat, payot, long beard, dressed in a black frock coat. The chassid was also reading from the sefer tehillim, but not three, it looked like 10 or more the way he was whizzing through them, no it was forty chapters!
Lloyd was shocked. He thought to himself, "Such a pious Jew, with his black hat, payot and beard - and he could eat so much bacon!"
Subject: Sermon. A rabbi delivers a sermon of monumental depth and pith that lasted nearly one hour. As soon as he finishes, the president walks up to him and tells him that, since he is a newspaper editor, he could assure that the sermon would make it into print. However, he would have to reduce it into the written equivalent of half the time that it took to deliver.
"No problem" says the rabbi. "I'll reduce it to fit."... and he does.
The article appears and another member of the Shul Board, who is a TV producer, invites the rabbi to deliver it on the air... BUT... he had only a five minute spot. "No problem" says the rabbi. "I can reduce it to fit the time slot."... and he does.
At the end of the TV show, the producer says to the rabbi "that was a wonderful sermon. Beautifully written and delivered but tell me something, please. If you could reduce it to fit the article and the TV spot... why, the heck, did you waste 55 minutes of our precious Shabbat sleep time?"
Subject: The Vet. Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the tzedukah box in the shul. This went on for weeks until the Rabbi, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Mrs. Ginzburg, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the tzedukah box," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the shul."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
Subject: Jewish Football Player. A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.
The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a Lubavitcher chosid sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Rabbi, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management..."
Subject: Heart Attack. A Rabbi suffers a severe heart attack and is confined to the hospital for several weeks. The synagogue's president pays him a visit.
"I want you to know, Rabbi, that last night the board of directors voted a resolution wishing you a speedy recovery.
And it passed, twelve to nine!"
Subject: Lightning. A reporter, interviewing Rabbi Seligman, after a bolt of lightning has struck the synagogue roof and sent it crashing down into ruins, asked, "Rabbi, what was your reaction when you saw the terrible devastation?"
"My first reaction?" The rabbi chuckled, "I thought thank goodness we took out insurance against acts of God."
Subject: Culinary Commentary. President Kennedy had sent one Dr. Louis Finkelstein, an Orthodox rabbi, as a U.S. delegate at the coronation of Pope Paul VI.
On his way to Rome, Rabbi Finkelstein stopped in Paris. While there, some of the Parisian rabbis took him only to kosher restaurants.
Dr. Finkelstein said to some of his friends, "I can't understand all this fuss people make about French cooking. We have the same things at home!"
Subject: Gambling. A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
Two sons were left a large piece of property by their father. For months they fought over how the land should be divided. Finally, they brought their problem to their rabbi and asked him to solve it.
"Come back tomorrow," said the rabbi, "and we'll talk."
The next day the sons returned and the rabbi gave them his solution.
"Toss a coin," he said to one of the brothers. "You call it, heads or tails," he said to the other. "The one who wins the toss, divides the land."
"That's no solution," said one of the brothers. "We're right back where we started from."
"Not so," said the rabbi. "The one who wins the toss divides the land;
but the other gets first choice."
Subject: Did You Say Prostitute? A Jewish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Papa I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand over his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting , the mother and daughter, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed. "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
The old man sat bolt upright in bed, brushing the Rabbi aside, and was smiling.
"Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant!"
Subject: Punishment. Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment.
The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said, "But I boiled them first."
Subject: Direct Call to "Upstairs" The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
This time, the Chief Rabb refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insist, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
Subject: A Priest, Minister and Rabbi. A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The minister explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he can take."
Subject: A Rabbi. A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May G-d bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money" she says?
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
Subject: Bernie. While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff),
"then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
Subject: Rabbinic Wisdom. Long ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a peddler came to the Rabbi's house. "Rabbi," he said, "I am going to kill myself!"
"Heaven, forbid!" cried the Rabbi, "What could make you have such a sinful thought?"
"Is it better than I should starve to death! Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!"
"Look," said the Rabbi, "the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you. Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count." The peddler had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at the Count's stables at 12 o'clock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing there.
"Oy, vay!" said the peddler, "I can't do this, the Count will have me hanged!"
"Don't worry," the Rabbi assured him, "take the horse and go in peace." Since in those days one did not disobey a Rabbi, the peddler did as he was told.
When he had gone the Rabbi lay down in the stall and went to sleep. The next morning the Count arrived with his groom and seeing the man asleep on the floor, kicked him and cried: "Hey you, who are you, what are you doing here, where is my horse?!"
The Rabbi sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then he jumped to his feet and raised his hands to the sky and cried: "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"
"What's this, what's this," cried the Count,"what is going on, who are you, where is my horse??!"
"Don't you understand?" said the Rabbi, "I was your horse! I used to be a famous scholar. But one night I succumbed to the Evil Impulse and stole money. In punishment the Holy One turned me into your horse. But in my misery I repented and prayed for forgiveness. Finally my prayers were heard and I have been changed back into a human being. Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"
Now the Count was a devout man and a respecter of miracles and so he also cried, "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!" and let the Rabbi go.
Several weeks later the Count was riding through the town. Suddenly he spied the peddler leading his beautiful white stallion. He leaped from his carriage and ran to the beast, struck him brutally on the rear end with his riding crop and shrieked: "Scoundrel! Ingrate! Stealing again??!!"
Subject: Shona Tova. "Tashlich" - to send away - Traditionally a service performed by Jews at Rosh Hashanah, it is the ceremonial casting of bread into a flowing body of water to symbolize the casting away ones sins.
After much controversy among the Rabbis, they have finally come up with the list of items needed for your Rosh Hashanah Tashlich Service.
for ordinary sins - white bread
for exotic sins - French bread
for particularly dark sins - pumpernickel
for complex sins - multi-grain
for twisted sins - pretzels
for tasteless sins - rice cakes
for sins of indecision - waffles
for sins committed in haste - matzah
for sins committed in less than 18 minutes - shmurah matzah
for sins of chutzpa - fresh bread
for substance abuse - poppy seed
for committing arson - toast
for committing auto theft - caraway
for being ill tempered - sourdough
for silliness - nut bread
for not giving full value - shortbread
for jingoism - Yankee Doodles
for excessive use of irony - rye bread
for telling bad jokes - corn bread
for hardening our hearts - jelly doughnuts
for being money hungry - enriched bread of raw dough
for war mongering - Kaiser rolls
for immodest dressing - tarts
for causing injury or damage to others - tortes
for promiscuity - hot buns
for racism - crackers
for sophisticated racism - Ritz crackers
for davening off tune - flat bread
for being holier than thou - bagels
for unfairly unbraiding another - challah
for indecent photograph - cheesecake
for trashing the environment - dumplings
for sins of laziness - any very long loaf
for sins of pride - puff pastry
for lying - baked goods with Nutra Sweet and Olestra
for wearing tasteless hats - Tam Tams
for sins of the righteous - angel food cake
for selling your soul - devils food cake
for lust in your heart - Wonder Bread
for inhaling - stoned wheat
Smile, be happy and healthy, and enjoy a sin free year!!!
Subject: The Parrot. MEYER, A LONELY WIDOWER, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du... yeah, du... outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.
After Rosh Hashona services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom
Subject: Fishing. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake.
The priest tells his two colleagues, "I forgot my fishing pole in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares in amazement.
A half hour later, the minister says, "I need to use the bathroom." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, and walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand up on the beach." He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!!
Again, he is dragged out, and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?"
Subject: Golf. A rabbi and a minister are playing golf. They decide to play for $5 a hole. On the third hole, the minister hits his ball into the rough. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," the minister says to the rabbi. After several minutes, neither has had any luck, and, anxious to win, the minister pulls out another ball and drops it on the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.
The rabbi looks at him, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"Cheat?! I found my ball right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" the rabbi says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball since we got here."
Subject: Talking. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Saturday morning, on the way home from the synagogue, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills on the sidewalk.
Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money.
So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
Subject: Manny the Cohen. Manny Schwartz approached the rabbi of his synagogue and said to him, "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible!
Manny offers the rabbi $10,000, but the rabbi won't budge. He offers $50,000... then $100,000. Finally, the rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After six months of classes, the rabbi tells Manny, "Okay. Now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot, and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen. Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen, too!"
Subject: A New Car. A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
Subject: Space. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are sent into space. On their reentry, as the shuttle returns to earth, there is a large group of reporters waiting for them on the landing strip. The minister emerges first, with a special glow in his eyes. A reporter asks him how he felt, circling the earth in space. The minister replies, "I felt very close to Jesus up there!"
The priest emerges with a very satisfied look on his face. The same reporter yells out, "Father, what was it like in space?" The priest answers, "It seemed like I could almost reach out and touch Mary and all the saints."
The rabbi is the last to appear, and he looks exhausted and haggard.
The reporter asks him what space was like, and he moans, "Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv, Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv..."
[Ed. note: Jews are required to say prayers three times a day:
Shacharit, which is done between dawn and midday; Mincha, which is done between midday and dusk; and Ma'ariv, which is done between sunset and midnight. The exact timing is determined by the position of the sun in the sky.]
Subject: Waking the Rabbi. The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students were spending the night at the inn. The student asked the servant to wake him at dawn because he was to take an early train. The servant did so. Not wishing to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes and, in his haste, he put on the long rabbinical gabardine. He hurried to the station, and, as he entered the train, he was struck dumb with amazement as he looked at himself in the compartment mirror.
"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily. "I asked him to wake me, instead he went and woke the rabbi!"
Subject: The Perfect Rabbi! The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes.
He condemns sins but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor.
He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor.
He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.
The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.
He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too.
Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect.
Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks... so don't break the chain.
Subject: Birkhat Ha-gomel (Adar humor alert).
IS ONE OBLIGATED, OR EVEN PERMITTED, TO "BENTSCH 'GOMEL'"AFTER FLYING ON A COMMUTER AIRLINE?
Rabbi Avraham Anan in his code, "Hilchot El Al" ruled that those flying to Israel do not "bentsch 'gomel'" after their flight, "as in these days, flying is statistically safer than driving, and who bothers to bentsch gomel after driving around Tel Aviv?" However, Rabbi Mordechai Mazon has ruled the opposite, that one does indeed "bentsch 'gomel'" after a flight, but only after a flight in which a meal has been served, and only if one actually eats the meal served by the airline. "The prayer is said for surviving the meal, not the flight." (Hilchot Hamazon 1:973)
In fact, R' Mazon even requires one to "bentsch 'gomel'" if one sins by eating a non-kosher airline meal. "It is meritorious to thank the Source of All Life for surviving the ordeal of eating a non-kosher airline meal, for one's very survival after eating such a meal is a sign that one is forgiven for the trangression. Eating a non-kosher airline meal is sufficient punishment for the sin of eating non-kosher food." (Hilchot HaMazon 1:974) And if one can give thanks for surviving a non-kosher airline meal, how much more so that one should "bentsch 'gomel'" for eating and surviving a kosher airline meal?
(c) 1996 by Joe Bachman for the Schlitzer Purim Torah Institute http://www.radix.net/~jbachman/liksplit.htm
For a more complete discussion of the problem, see the complete responsum.
Subject: Hilchos Oreos. Although many significant events have shaped 5758 so far (U.S. troops in Bosnia, an erratic stock market, septuplets in Iowa, increasing tension the Middle East) certainly none can compare to the really big story this year, a genuine blockbuster that will change the lives of American Jews dramatically and cataclysmically. Unless we merit the coming of Mashiach, 5758 will go down in history as The Year That Oreos Became Kosher. Now that Nabisco has made the commitment to providing Jews (and the world at large) with kosher Oreos, we Jews have a responsibility to consider the halachic implications of this remarkable coup. I am not referring to the reliability of rabbinical hashgacha within Nabisco's factories, chas v'shalom.
Rather, my concern is income-based (how it's ingested) and outcome-based (digested). Halacha covers even the most picayune details of a Jew's everyday life. The reliance on seder, a certain order as part of the process, is integral to implementation. For example, the way we put on our shoes and tie them: we first put on the right shoe, then the left shoe, then we tie the left shoe and finally tie the right shoe. The reasons behind these halachos are beyond the ken of the average Jew. It may be best left to kabbalists to divine their significance. Nevertheless, we take this shoe-fitting decree seriously, a case of na'al v'nishma.
This concept of seder is no different for kabbalistic Oreo-eating. Which should come first? A straightforward bite into the whole cookie? Should one first break apart the two sandwich halves and concentrate on the creme? One can postulate that if white represents purity and goodness, and black evil and darkness, then perhaps one should eat the white first, as an example of the yetzer hatov triumphing over the yetzer hora? Or should one save the best for last, so to speak, by first destroying, via consumptive powers, the Darkness (the cookie part) and be left only with Light (the creme)? Or perhaps, this sort of binary weltanschauung is not healthy at all it may be preferable to take the centrist position and bite into the intact cookie, representing the real-world mix of good and bad, light and dark, moderation versus extremism.
A fresh insight and hint may be garnered when analyzing the Hebrew form of Oreos, Ori-oz (aleph-vav-resh-yud-ayin-zayin), translated as "my light is the source of strength." Assuming that the "s" in Oreos takes on the Ashkenazic pronunciation, it may also be interpreted Ori-os, or my light shall be a sign. Thus the Hebrew appears to favor the creme-first eating process, although it's advisable to check with your local rabbi for a p'sak. And then, of course, comes the question of which blessings to say. 'Borei minay mezonos' seems the obvious choice, unless one first chooses to excise and consume the white creme center (in which case, a shehakol would be the way to go, followed by a 'mezonos' when the cookie part is tasted.)
Or, since the creme is subjectively the mehudar, perhaps a 'shehakol' is sufficient for both creme and cookie, provided that the creme is eaten first? And if one has a glass of milk with one's Oreo, does the 'shehakol' that one first said over the Oreo's creme center suffice? Clearly the introduction of Oreos and all the shaylos it presents allows us the opportunity to triumph over lust, by exercising control over the Oreo, versus the Oreo having control over us. Cooperation between Nabisco and the Orthodox Union has given Jews the opportunity to take the everyday act of noshing on kosher Oreos, and raise it to a whole new level of holiness.
We see that Oreos enrich our bodies with a perfect blend of ruchniyus and gashmiyus, the transitory (a taste of Heaven) and the permanent (a waistline that holds no secrets).
Subject: Yeshiva Rowing Team. Yeshiva's rowing team had lost its' last 10 rowing meets.
Harvard won every one.
Rabbi Shmuel picks his prize student and says," You must go to Harvard, spy on them.
Find out why they always win and we always lose."
The Yeshiva student comes back in a few days and excitedly says "Rabbi, I have found out their secret.
When they race, 8 of them row, and only one of them is shouting".
Subject: Gone Fishing. Two rabbis and a priest decided to go fishing one sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the first rabbi decided that "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
The priest was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention the apparent miracle.
A few minutes later, the second rabbi also decided to go ashore for a moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes later came back.
By now the priest was in great distress and had begun to doubt his beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Jewish teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST AS STRONG as either of the rabbis and decided that anything they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
The priest then announced that he needed relief and would walk to shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the lake. While the priest was thrashing about in the water, one rabbi turned to the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"
Subject: How You Can Tell... How you can tell that the person next to you has not been at services too often
1. "Hey, my book is backwards."
2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?"
3. "What's with the beanies?"
4. "Isn't it funny that one person on the stage has a better singing voice than the other ones."
5. "I get the standing and the sitting; when do we kneel?"
6. "Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
7. "Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"
8. "Do a bunch of people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives the sermon?"
9. "This food after the services is really good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?"
10. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler on the Roof'!"
11. "Who brings kids to a place like this?"
12. "You there, slow down, you're getting ahead of the soloist!"
13. "Why am I the only guy in the dress circle?"
14. "You'd think nobody has ever seen a cell-phone!"
15. "It's show-time! They're opening the curtains."
16. "Pardon me, but you have some string hanging down from your scarf."
17. "The boy can't be more than 12 or 13! And they let him read?"
18. "When do they take up the collection?"
Subject: Cow from Minsk. A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
Subject: Israel's Birthday. Thought you, might enjoy this part of the sermon Rabbi Buckman sent today since it deals with Israel's birthday.
This week, the state of Israel celebrates its 51st birthday.
Unfortunately, not many see a reason to celebrate. The world community argues that Israel is intransigent because it won't take steps to allow for the establishment of a Palestinian state. And even within the Jewish community, Israel doesn't have the support it used to. Some Jews take issue with Israel's political policies. Others take issue with its religious policies. And, as a result, by focusing so much on Israel's political and religious polices, we lose sight of the true meaning of Israel.
So, let me take a moment to make two comments that we should keep in mind as we approach Yom Ha'atzmaut this year. Both have to do with events in Kosovo. To all who said that Israel should give back all the territory they captured on the West Bank and on the Golan Heights, because now territory doesn't count, Kosovo proves that wrong. To all who said that with a new world order, people don't fight any longer over ethnic and nationalistic concerns, Kosovo proves that wrong. To those who said that in this age of missiles, you win wars in the air, the inefficacy of NATO missiles proved that wrong. To those who said that Israel no longer has to worry about one man rising to power in a country and his turning that country against you; Saddam Hussein is defeated. We see we still have to worry. Saddam Hussein isn't gone, and even if he were, now there's a Milosevic, and who knows who will come next. History repeats itself and we should be careful to think otherwise.
The second point I want to raise relates to the refugee crisis in Kosovo. It's a crisis that we as Jews can identify with because we know what it means to not have a home. And because we know what it means not to have a home, we should best be able to appreciate what it means now for Jews everywhere to have a home--Israel, where if you're Jewish, the doors are open to you 24 hours a day, 365 days out of the year. Whether you're a Moroccan Jew, a Soviet Jew, Yemenite Jew or a Yugoslavian Jew, Ethiopian Jew or American Jew; the doors are open. Anita Fetahi said it all. Anita Fetahi, 22 years old, is a Jewish refugee from Kosovo who last week emigrated to the state of Israel. Upon her arrival in Israel, she said, "It's nice to feel that someone, somewhere, cares about us." Israel is the one place where Jews will always be welcomed with open arms.
Every one of the people who emigrated to Israel came not caring whether the government was Labor or Likud, and every government of the State of Israel - whether it was Labor or Likud - took in every single Jewish refugee that it could. And it didn't ask if you're Orthodox, Conservative or Reform. We live in a crazy, mixed up world, and you never know when a new madman will arise. It can be a Milosevic or an Idi Amin, an Assad or a Saddam Hussein. And you never know if anyone in this whole wide world will really care. The only ones in this world who know that there's someone who will care, there is someone who will open their doors, there is someone who will protect you, is a Jew. And all this because of the State of Israel.
Because of Israel, Jewish history is no longer the same. And we must not forget how our lives have changed because of Israel. Recently, I read of an incident that took place when fighting broke out a few years ago in Yugoslavia around the city of Sarajevo. It's a story of two families: the Kabilio family, who are Jewish and the Lehebra family, who are Muslims.
The first part of the story took place more than fifty years ago. In 1944, Yugoslavia was under the control of the Nazis. The Muslim Lehebra family lived on the same street with the synagogue which had been burned to the ground by the Nazis. They lived on the same street where the Nazis had their headquarters. And they lived four houses away from the Kabilio family who were Jewish. The Kabilios were a mother, a father, and a three year old daughter named Tova. When the Nazis came the Lahebras took the Kabilios in. They hid them in their attic and they brought them food every day. They saved their lives.
After the war, the Kabilios moved to Israel. They wanted to express their gratitude to the family who had saved them, so they went to Yad Vashem and they told the people there the story of how their lives were saved.Yad Vashem investigated and found that the story was true. A tree was planted in honor of the Lahebras in the garden, which is at the entrance to Yad Vashem, the garden that has been set aside to honor righteous Gentiles. The Lahebras are one of the few Muslim families to be so honored. That was the first part of the story. Part two of the story took place in July of 1992. The city of Sarajevo came under attack. Machine gun fire rattled through its streets every day.
Buses carrying orphan children were under fire. A burial taking place in a cemetery was interrupted by gun fire. And Tova Kabilio, who was now in her 50's and who lives in Israel, could not rest. She could not sleep at night knowing that the family that once saved her life was now in danger. So she went to the Israeli authorities and told them about the Lehebras.
And as a result, on July 11, 1992, on a day when American and English and Russian and French planes were afraid to land... an El Al plane landed at Sarajevo. Israeli agents got off and began to search the streets of Sarajevo looking for the Lehebra family. They found the family that had saved Tova Kabilio's family's life. And they flew them back to Jerusalem. And today the Lehebra family is living in Rechavia in the house of Tova Kabilio.
Think of what this story represents. Just one generation ago Jews were hunted. Jews had to hide for their lives. Jews could find no safe haven. Today, not only do Jews have a safe haven, but they have the power to rescue others as they are still doing in Yugoslavia even this past week. For 2000 years ago, the Jews were at the mercy of others. Today, Jews are the secure ones and they have the ability to come out of the sky and save others. For the first time in 2000 years, Jews are the rescuers, not the rescued.
And all because of the State of Israel.
While we as Jews must mourn and cry out for the plight of the Kosovans, at the same time, we can rejoice in the knowledge that no longer can the world do this to us. "Hashem oz l'amo yitein. Hashem yevorach et amo bashalom - The Lord has given strength to His people." May we now be blessed with peace. Amen.
Subject: Synagogues to Close. TEANECK, March 2 -- The Jewish world was stunned today by a National Board of Rabbis announcement that all synagogues in the United States would shut their doors forever, sometime before the end of 1999.
After centuries of conflict among the various forms of Judaism and the frequent formation of new breakaway synagogues, a combination of technologies has finally resolved the interdenominational bickering and made it possible for all Jews to be satisfied by having their very own synagogues located in an Internet chat room accessed from their home. Because chatting in shul has become commonplace across the religious spectrum, there is already a base of experience for the new concept, and most individuals are not expected to feel any difference. Although many issues divided Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, Egalitarian, Chabad, Satmar, Young Israel, Aguda, Ashkenaz, Sfard, and many others, the one point that all agreed on was the need for the synagogue to reflect their own personal viewpoint and for all members to follow their mode of observance. As these modes became increasingly fragmented, even within each movement, the only way to achieve harmony was to let each Jew run his or her own shul.
Two technological achievements are responsible for making this ancient dream a reality: the universal availability of the Internet and the perfection of voice recognition. As a result, beginning in the year 2000, all Jews will be able to connect to their own chat room on the Internet, and by using voice recognition, each will be president of his or her virtual shul. The replacement of the synagogue will solve many problems: the need for a minyan, separate seating, and the height of a mechitza. Congregants will be spared membership dues, and without a regular weekly kiddush to attend, fitness is expected to reach an all-time high. A few thorny issues remain to be settled, and one is why no firm date was announced by the Board. One issue is the use of the computer microphone on Shabbat. The Reform have no problem with it. Conservatives are expected to accept it, arguing that it is no different from leaving the microphone in their synagogue on before Shabbat. For the Orthodox, it will take some more work, but the need for individual shuls has become so acute in recent years that, with a few possible exceptions, the bulk of Orthodoxy is expected to go along. Another problem is what to do with all the suddenly unemployed rabbis, but with the expansion of
Internet use, there should be plenty of jobs available as technical support representatives. Still unsolved is how to find an acceptable substitute for kiddush clubs.
Subject: New Israeli Ice Cream Flavors. Pasken & Rabbis Ice Cream
Pasken and Rabbis ice creams are available in cohens, frozen on a shtick, or in a plastic Yid-dish. In addition to their up-to-the-mitzvah selections of ice cream flavors, P.& R.'s also offers such taste treats as Tosefloats, Madua-lo-diet freezes, the tantalizing Bamid-bar, as well as traditional ice cream Sotahs in a variety of delicious flavors - the latter, of course, made with Korban-ated water and, if you wish, an extra pshat of seltzer.
And while our competitors may offer a multilayered Goyishe Cup, remember that only Pasken and Rabbi's features a free sample of any flavor - which we call Bameh Madlickin'.
We are proud to continue our old and sacred tradition of serving a multitude of flavors, a custom which began with the sainted Ga'on of V'nila (may his memory be a dressing), who first claimed the Mitzvah of Hachnassat ice cream.
His disciples, known as the Eggnogdim, carried on for generations a debate with the followers of the Baal Shempaine over which scoop to put on top. Today, we abide by the decisions of the Ga'on's school, and we have adopted his famous slogan, "Talmond Tort K'neggnog Coolime."
Lehitra Oats Rashi Road
Olive Hashalom Oy Ge-Malt
Wailing Wal-nut Cherry Bim
Bubble Gum-ora Mi Ka-mocha
Lemontations Soda & Gomorra
Weizman Instituti-Fruittii Manishta Nut
Af Al Pecan Rachma Nut
Moishmallow Maimonidip ( Rumbomb)
Mazel Toffe-ee Balak Berry
Buberry Lubavicher Resberre
Zalmond Schacter Abba Ebanana
Bernard Malamint Molly Pecan
Cashew Lepesach Kol HaVodka
Mizrachi Road Tora Shebe'al Pear
Chuppapaya Butter Shkotz
Prune Ur'voonO-lime Habah
Berry Pr'i Hagafen Carmel Shake
Choc-Eilat Chip Cin'm'n Toff V'
Subject: Taxman VS The Rabbi. A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the US Tax office, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders - such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer!
So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is saveup all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Tax "The Tax Office?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the Tax Office " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Subject: Girls Yeshiva Sports League. You know you're in a Girls Yeshiva Sports League when....
10. Daddy can't come to the games.
9. You can't fit your whole last name on the back of your jersey.
8. You trip over your skirt while running down the court.
7. After scoring a goal, your whole team screams out, "Shkoyach!"
6. You think the volleyball net is a mechitza.
5. When tennis becomes a mashal for life's ups and downs.
4. The Ref can't touch you.
3. Your coach is a Rabbi.
2. Before a game you scream, "WE'VE GOT RUACH, YES WE DO, WE'VE GOT RUACH HOW ABOUT YOU?!"
1. After the game someone comes over and recommends a shidduch for you because you "played so well".
Subject: M'shulach. Top Ten Ways You Know the M'shulach (Charity Collector) is Probably Not Legit.
10. He asks if you can catch him up on the latest episode of Will and Grace.
9. You can vaguely make out a Hooters logo underneath his white shirt.
8. His cell phone has the J-Lo "Jenny From The Block" ring.
7. Two words: detachable payos.
6. His rabbi's endorsement letter is covered in excessive white-out and pizza stains.
5. When you ask if his charity is tax deductible he responds, "Fo' shizzle, ma nizzle!"
4. He tells you to make your checks payable to Congregation "Ahavas Kesef."
3. He is dressed in a bekesha, streimel, gartel and brand new pair of Nike-Shox.
2. He has formal business cards made up.
1. He's wearing a Santa Suit.
Subject: Marriage. A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding.
An anxious old man met him at the door.
The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Jewish woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the rabbi asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said.
Subject: Suffering Jew. A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, Sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
Subject: Yiddish Paper. Rabbi Mordechai Schleppman was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils.
So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when little Saul handed in a poor paper.
"This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the rabbi. "It has to many mistakes I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."
"One person didn't," replied Saul defensively. "My father helped me."
Subject: Florida Rabbi. In a large Florida city, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah, but he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon.
So he decided to hire a Shabbos goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbos goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.
Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi.
The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial in-sermon-ation.
Subject: Long Hair. A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
Subject: Conversion. Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish.
As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000."
"$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
Subject: Shul Pick Up Lines. from www.bangitout.com. 1. Pray here often?
2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.
3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but I've been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.
4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.
5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?
6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.
7. Since we're in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?
8. The rabbi's sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?
9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?
10. Don't let my tallis-bag fool you -- I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.
11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.
12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.
13. Whenever I see you, I think of the shammes, also known as the sexton.
14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you...complete...me.
15. You had me at Adon (Olam).
16. Like an incoherent chazzan, I'd like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
17. I think I've lost my page number. Can I have yours?
18. Won't you bimah, bimah baby tonight.
19. I may bless God that "He did not make me a woman", but I'm sure glad He made you one!
20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the women's section all morning...
21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what you've been praying for?
22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbor's property. I sure hope you live across town!
23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, you're a 10!
24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?
Subject: The Priest and The Rabbi. The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed.
The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question.
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
"Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean."
"Who of those two goes to wash up."
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud."
"The exact opposite happened." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean." "Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again." "I told you that you will not understand." "The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that that there is a mirror there."
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud.
According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."
"Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest.
"Two men fall through the chimney. One came came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
That is very simple! replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.
The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding."
"You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain."
"Tell me: How is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"
Subject: Talmud Class. The Rabbi in my son's Talmud class was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up. He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and, without realizing it, he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the rabbi said "Goldberg, translate and explain,"
Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today."
"All right," said the rabbi. "You translate and explain."
Subject: Dog in Shul. A man walks into Shul with a dog. The Rabbi immediately goes over to the gentleman and demands that he remove the dog from the Shul. "Wait a minute rabbi you don't understand, this is my special dog Chaim." The rabbi replies, "I don't care, you cannot have a dog in Shul, please remove the dog immediately".
Rather than continue to argue with the rabbi, the man looks toward the dog and says, "Chaim go get a tallis." The dog promptly walks to the back of the Shul, picks up a tallis, puts it on and walks back to his master. The Rabbi is amazed and asks if the dog can do anything else. The man says, "Sure, Chaim go get a siddur." Chaim promptly goes to the back of the Shul and gets a siddur. The Rabbi is stupefied, "Can he do more?" The man replies, "Can he do more, watch this. Chaim say Shema." and the dog promptly recites the entire Shema.
The Rabbi was flabbergasted, "You know you could make a fortune with that dog!!" "You're telling me", replied the man, "believe me I know, but all he wants to do is sit and learn!!"
Subject: Chandelier. Old Rabbi Wolfson had begged his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down, sullen and hopeless in his ambition.
Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time talkin'?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it.
And third, what we need in the shul is more light!"
Subject: Religious Nuts. A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Subject: Good News and Bad News. There is the story of a rabbi who got up on the bima one Saturday morning and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Subject: Top Ten Jewish Superheroes. from www.bangitout.com. 10. Engagement Girl - With the power of her diamond ring, she suddenly doesn't have to be nice anymore
9. Rabbi Doctor, Doctor Rabbi -His split personality allows this super rabbi to sneak in and out of modern society undetected
8. Supershmuck - In New York City, he's seemingly everywhere.
7. Apikores Boy - The trusty sidekick of most ivy league Jewish philosophy professors
6. Dr. Toofrum - He has the unknowing power of being condescending in any conversation
5. Minyan girl - She has suddenly been given the powers to lain and daven, but no one has a clue of the source for her powers.
4. Fleish Gordon - Meaty Chulent is what gives him his speed! Vegitarian = kryptonite
3. Z'Man - Instills the power of being precise about exactly when you can light candles
2. The Incredible Hock- His utility belt consists of 100 useless keys, 3 beepers, a walkie-talkie and a magnet bencher/tefillat Ha derech. If something is wrong, his hocker senses (beeper) starts vibrating.
1. The Shmorg - He can manage sushi, roast beef, Chinese food and pareve ice cream all on one plate
Subject: Driving. A rabbi is driving down a small side street, and suddenly his car hits another head-on. He gets out of his car and walks over to the other one to make sure nobody was hurt. He discovers that the other driver, who was unharmed, is a priest. The two clergymen start talking and agree that it is a miracle that neither one was hurt. It must be a sign from God.
The rabbi's eyes light up, and he returns to his car. He rejoins the priest, carrying a bottle in his hands.
The rabbi tells the priest that it must also be a sign from God that he happened to have a bottle of wine in his car. They should have a drink of thanksgiving. The priest heartily agrees. The rabbi pours two cups of wine. The priest drinks it down in a single gulp, but the rabbi doesn't touch his. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Aren't you going to drink, too?" The rabbi responds, "No...I think I'll wait for the highway patrol."
Subject: Cash. "Hello, Rabbi Korkuff?"
"This is John Reilly, deputy director of the Manhattan branch of the Internal Revenue Service. I'm calling about a member of your congregation, Samuel J. Prischoff, who is in the real-estate business."
Mr. Prischoff has claimed a five-thousand-dollar deduction on his tax return. He says he contributed that amount, in cash, to your temple.
"Mr. Reilly," said the rabbi, "if you call back tomorrow, the answer, I assure you--will be 'Yes.'"
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 265
Subject: Donations. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...
Subject: The Rabbi & the Egg. A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put a egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued......" and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
Subject: Funny, you don't look... A Jewish Australian went to a Conference in China.
While there, he decided that he would like to attend a Synagogue, to see how Jews in China worship.
He inquired and in due course found one.
He sat down among the worshippers, all of them Chinese in appearance.
The service was conducted by a Rabbi who also was Chinese in appearance.
At the end of the service which was generally familiar to the Australian visitor, the Rabbi walked up to him and asked: "Please forgive my asking, but exactly why are you here?" The Australian man was a bit taken a back but answered: "Oh, I am Jewish, and I wanted to see how Chinese Jews worship, that is why I am here."
Strange that, said the Rabbi. You don't look Jewish.
Subject: High Holiday Seating. High Holiday Seating Application
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible:
I wish to be placed in a seat next to someone who wishes to discuss the following topics:
I wish to be seated in a seat where
I can see my spouse over the mechitza
I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
I can see my friends spouse over the mechitza
My spouse cannot see me seeing my friends spouse over the mechitza
No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
I can sleep during services
I can sleep during the rabbis sermon (additional charge)
I wish to be located next to the following so that I may obtain free professional advise:
Real estate agent
Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:...............
Subject: Service. A pious rabbi passed away and arrived in heaven; he was immediately served a meal of schmaltz herring. Though surprised and a little disappointed at this humble meal, the rabbi said nothing. But later, glimpsing into the Other Place, he noticed that people there were eating bagels and lox, toast, and eggs.
For the next meal the rabbi was again served a plate of schmaltz herring, only this time it was accompanied by a glass of tea. After the meal, the rabbi looked again at the Other Place, and noticed that the people there were feasting on blintzes, soup, sour cream, and berries.
For supper an angel came and brought the rabbi another plate of schmaltz herring and a glass of tea. Later, he looked at the Other Place, where he noticed that the people were eating steak and turkey, and drinking fine wine.
Finally, the rabbi could not control himself, and he turned to the angel and said, "I don't understand it. This is supposed to be heaven, but all I get to eat is schmaltz herring. But in the Other Place, I see that they eat like kings."
The angel gave an uneasy smile and replied, "I know. But to tell you the truth, it doesn't pay to cook for just two people."
Subject: Golf. The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to lay.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
Subject: Jews in Space. The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked up the capsule.
The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience."
The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?" He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!"
The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"
The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"
Subject: G-d and the Golfer. The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms.
One Yom Kippur, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services."
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.
Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, "Look how terrible - a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a Rabbi beside!" G-d replied, "Watch, I'm going to teach him a lesson."
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened of a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"
"Sure", said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?"
Subject: Israeli Personals. ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76. c:\navhmi\data\global.sig
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
our place or mine? Divorced man, 42 with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object ..macaroni, POB 77
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658
Subject: Sufferin' Suckatash! A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
Subject: Sleeping Arrangements. A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Subject: The Donation Checks. A local Rabbi was dissatisfied with the small amount in the contribution account at the bank. Someone (The synagogue Treasurer no doubt) suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the sanctuary is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 10 times Chai in their checks to the synagogue charity account."
So the very next Saturday, the Rabbi did as suggested, and lo and behold the collections were full of 10 times Chai ($180.00) checks. Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Saturday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the floor of the "bema" with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
Subject: The Old Man. A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Subject: In Debt. Cohen had been in business for many years and his business was going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. So he went to his Rabbi to seek advice. He told the Rabbi about all of his problems in business and asked the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi said "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and knew immediately what he had to do.
Three months later the man and his family came back to see the Rabbi. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in beautiful silk. The man handed the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wants to donate this money to the temple in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi was delighted. He recognizes the man and asked him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11."
Subject: IRS. An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
Subject: The Plaque. One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
Subject: Kol Nidre.
Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan, got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for." Gottlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
Subject: Shabbath Sex.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to the minister... a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work ... my wife would have the maid do it."
Subject: The Rebbe.
The Satmar Rebbe has died. He goes straight up to Gan Eden. He finds a large table surrounded by a great number of long-bearded men studying Gemara, shokeling the whole time.
On the table is an enormous smorgasbord of delicacies: kishke, shlishke, kugel, roast chicken, gefilte fish, and lots of other goodies. As the men learn, they take food off the table and eat it.
One man approaches the Rebbe: "Rebbe, at last you have joined us! All day, we study and, while we study, we have a great banquet. Please join us. Would you like something to eat?"
The rabbi looks at the man and asks him, sternly, "Who's the mashgiach?"
The man looks at the Rebbe incredulously, and replies, almost with a laugh, "This is Gan Eden! HaKodoysh Bareech...He is the mashgiach!"
The Rebbe strokes his long, white beard for half an hour and shokels, pondering the matter. All his students look at him eagerly, waiting to hear what the Rebbe will say.
Finally, the Rebbe speaks: "I'll have the fruit," he says, "on a paper plate."
Subject: Y2K in Heaven.
Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are even relevant "upstairs."
Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based systems to computers.
The following are excepts from a recent interview with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing was the way to go."
"In the olden days, you only had to track 613 mitzvot per Jew."
"No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees, minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer."
"Our first piece of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc - you know, for the Das operating system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully integrated world processor, WorldPerfect 7."
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here - so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand - how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system...."
Subject: The Perfect Rabbi.
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect.
Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Subject: What if God had Voice Mail?
We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life.
But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"
Imagine praying and hearing this:
Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquires.
What if God used the familiar excuse... "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line"
Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in Prayer?
If you would like to speak to:
For Michael, Press 2
For a directory of Rebbeyim,Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key (#).
(If you get a negative response, try on 19 Kislev.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter C-H-A-B-A-D followed by Y-L-V
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already prayed THREE times today; Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for Shabbat; please pray again Sunday at 7:15 AM
If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local Rebbe or Rabbi or Moshiach....
Subject: Snow and the Jewish Question.
A Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow
By Jordan Max
LAST YEAR, in Toronto, we had a lot of snow. I spent many hours shoveling snow. Shoveling snow is boring work, and after a while a mind tends to wander. So I resolved that this year I would be prepared with lots to think about. I researched and sent letters to key Jewish figures, polling them for their keen insight on shoveling snow. Their responses;
Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."
Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"
Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."
Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow"; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."
Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."
Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"
Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of Jewish teenagers shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision, will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."
Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"
Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."
The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared anyway."
Now, if I could just find my boots.
JWR contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist and columnist for The Candian Jewish News.
Subject: The Graveyard Shift.
There were two brothers, Chaim and Yankel who were very poor, everything that they did they did together, every business they tried failed, till they had no choice but to go and steal food. Once they took from the bakery a loaf of bread and divided it equally, when they ate it up, they stole something else... etc.
One day they decided that they needed to steal something that will last them a long time. Both are thinking and thinking till Chaim says "I know, we will steal nuts, because nuts are very filling and are very small."
On the first night of "Slichitot" (The last Saturday night before Rosh Hashanah) at 10:00PM right before the grocery was closing Yankel sneaked in and hides. After the owner left and locked the door, Yankel comes out of his hiding place and opens the door for Chaim.
Chaim comes in, they look around and find a big sack of nuts. They are about to go but one brother says "Where are we going to divide it so our wives will not be suspicious?".
"Let's go to the shul."
"No, everyone is there for slichot."
"Let's go to the ladies section."
"No, what's if someone looks in."
"I know we will go to the graveyard."
This graveyard had two entrances, one where they came in and one on the other side, so the decided that the first entrance they could see if anyone comes in and the second one they took a piece of metal with two nuts and put it on top of the door, so if anyone comes in, it will make a noise.
They both take out their sacks and start counting "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, etc..."
It came 1:00am, and the gabay was going around waking everybody up for services. When he passed the graveyard he froze, he heard "One for me and one for you.." He ran to the Rabbi and told the Rabbi "I just passed the graveyard and I heard the angel of death and the angel of life were dividing the souls."
The Rabbi went with the gabay and they both hear "One for me, one for you. Now we are finished it was a good job and so let's go."
Then one brother asks the other one "What's about the two nuts by the door?"
The Rabbi and the gabay fainted.
The board of the synagogue was having a meeting about the Rabbi's new contract.
The president finally came out and said, "Rabbi, we can give you the new house, the new car and the $20,000 raise, but we can't give you the new Tallis."
The Rabbi said, "What--you give me all those other things and can't give me a new Tallis--why?"
"Because," replied the President, "those fringe benefits will kill us!"
Subject: Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew.
by Rabbi Jack Moline
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
A: No , mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
C: And what about me?
C: me, me, me!
A: Hu, hu, hu!
C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A: No, hu is he!
C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
C: Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: 'Then who is he?
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
C: And then you say who is he.
C: And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C :Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
C: I said Ma.
C: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
C: Not what, who!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
Subject: Kosher Computers.
If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes, such as:
The Rabbi comes over and performs a bris, taking a little piece off the tail of the mouse.
I have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik software and one for milchedik.
Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt.
The screen savers include Flying Dreidels.
My PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
If my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
My Start button has been replaced with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button.
I hear Hatikvah during Startup.
Microsoft Office now includes: a little byte of this, and a little byte of that.
When running Scan disk, I am prompted with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
I saw a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
Computer viruses can now be cured with some chicken soup with matzo balls.
I had to replace the mouse with a yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm not allowed to touch the Scroll bar.
When I open AOL, the announcement doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You don't WRITE, you don't CALL!"
When I Delete files I get a Dialogue Box that says "Listen, you never know, you might need this someday. So should I cancel already?"
When I click on Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows.
It also came with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically turns the hard drive on after sundown, scans the most recent files slowly and prints out during services.
For an additional $29.95 it's accompanied by a Chulent CD-ROM... that slowly surfs the Internet during Shabbos, amassing an assortment of Web sites which then sit in the Browser Cache of my hard drive and stew until after sundown Saturday.
And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to Shut Down, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, LOOK, I REALLY GOTTA GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL.
Subject: Breaking the Fast of Tisha B'Av.
One the day after the fast of Tisha B'Av, the rabbi sent for Hershele.
"My disciples have told me that you were seen eating yesterday, the day of the fast. Is it true that you have committed so grave a sin?"
"Let me explain what happened," said Hershele. "As I was leaving the synagogue after morning prayers, I walked along the river where the poor women do their laundry. One of the women remarked that everybody in town was fasting today. 'Is that so?' said her friend. 'Well, I wish I had a hundred rubles for every Jew who will eat today!' And to make sure that this poor woman would have at least a hundred rubles, I decided that I should break the fast."
Subject: A Mezuzah For Lamborghini.
After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: A new Lamborghini!
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days and finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah. "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reformed!"
Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he breaks down and goes to the Reformed Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?"
Subject: Rabbi's Advice.
Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Subject: Another Flood.
A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it; in six days the waters will wipe out the world.
The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven.
The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too late to accept Jesus," he says.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach: "We have six days to learn how to live under water."
Subject: Elderly Rabbi.
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy--to taste pork. He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in! They immediately see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat. At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts the lid to reveal -- what else? -- roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"
Subject: Sun or Moon?
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi.
"What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
Subject: Newly Religious.
A lifelong backslider suddenly "saw the light" and approached the local rabbi.
"Rabbi, from now on I will attend synagogue services regularly," he promised.
"I'm glad to hear that," smiled the wise old rabbi, "but remember -- going to synagogue doesn't make you a Jew any more than going to a poultry farm makes you a chicken!"
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