Subject: Headache.
A jewish woman goes to see the rabbi; she complains about her heavy headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, she shouts, overjoyed: "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies: "No madam, It is not gone. I have it now."
Subject: Rabbis and Apikorsim. A Rabbi was in a restaurant and he saw an Apikores eating, without having a covering on his head.
"Rabbi" said the Apikores, "it says to judge your fellow Jew favorably, what kind of reason can you find for my eating without my head covered?"
The Rabbi answered him "Since you don't have a head you don't need to cover it".
*******************
An Apikores once sent a present to the Rabbi - A picture of a pig. The Rabbi sent back his picture with a note: "Thanks for sending me your picture, here's my picture".
*******************
An Apikores once asked a Rabbi: "I know that if a Rabbi walks into a room you're supposed to stand up and if a dog comes in you should sit down, what if they both walk in together?" The Rabbi answered him: "Let's walk in to a room together and we will find out".
*******************
An Apikores once asked a Rabbi: "I transgressed all the Mitzvot in the Torah, do you know any more that I can transgress?" The Rabbi answered him: "Yes, To kill yourself".
********************
A Rabbi walked in to a nonkosher restaurant to use the bathroom, and he saw one member of his congregation (David) eating pig. Embarrassed David answered: "well at least it's under Rabbinical Supervision!!".
Subject: Everything I Really Need to Know I Learned from Noah's Ark.
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah build the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.
3. Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.
4. Build on the high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so was the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee - float.
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain - shovel!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
17. DON'T MISS THE BOAT!!!!
More Noah's ark humor
Another fellow, an atheist since his youth, became not only interested but devout in his late years. At the age of seventy-five, he decided to come back to the faith of his fathers.
One evening, he attended services at Temple Israel, the first time he'd been in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah days at the age of thirteen. He heard the Rabbi announce that the next week's sermon would address the question of the great and terrible biblical flood that destroyed all life in the world.
The old man approached the Rabbi after services and said that he was sorry not to be able to attend services next week, that he'd be out of town. "But don't worry, Rabbi, put me down for $20 to aid the flood victims."
What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
"Now I herd everything"
Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
They kept saying neigh
What animal could Noah not trust?
The cheetah
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights
Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
Noah--he took Ham with him on the ark
What did God say when Noah told him he wanted to build the ark out of bricks?
"No, Noah -- go for wood"
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck
Who was the first canning factory run by?
Noah - he had a boat full of preserved pairs
Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
No, he came fourth out of the ark
Which animal took the most baggage into the arc?
What animal took the least?
The elephant took his trunk.
But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them,
Why weren't there any worms on the arc?
Because worms come in apples not in pairs.
What creatures were not on the arc?
Fish
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the ark hives.
Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
Where was Noah when the lights went out?
In d'ark.
Why couldn't Noah catch many fish?
He only had two worms.
When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible?
When the dove brought the green back to the ark.
What did the cat say when the ark landed?
Is that Ararat?
If you insist on litigation, you can be sure of tribulation.
Subject: Judaism 1.0 [Query]
Hi, I'm about to install SCO Unix. But I heard that any Unix is full of daemons or demons. I uninstalled Linux because of that reason and because I had a lot of trouble since having installed it. As a Christian user, I don't want to have to do anything with Satan and his daemons. Is the only alternative for me Windows NT?
[author's reply]
I'm afraid that all platforms have daemons running somewhere. To see NT's, right click on the task bar, select "Task Manager" and you'll see all the programs running in the background. The solution to your problem is not to switch to NT but to upgrade to a new personal operating system that does not require the fear of daemons. I recommend Judaism 1.0 which had been offering an un-advertised competitive upgrade for the last 6,000 years. Check your phone directory for the address of your nearest authorized services center for details.
There are many other advantages to an upgrade to Judaism 1.0:
Thousands of local authorized services centers (temples).
Expert consultant at every services center (rabbi).
User group meetings every Saturday.
Advanced Study Centers (Yeshivah).
Annual reboot ceremony (Yom Kippur).
Economical. Does not require a large Vatican MIS department.
Flexible development, arguing and porting environment.
Runs most compatible jobs and careers without modification.
To aid in the upgrade, Judaism 1.0 comes with a complete Documentation package, including:
Source Code (Torah).
Translation to English (Old Testament).
Annotated release notes (Talmud).
Getting Started guide (Maftir).
There are some details which must be known before upgrading. Due to reliability considerations, multiple personal operating systems are not supported. Therefore, the upgrade is actually a total replacement. Fortunately, the tested in-place-upgrade preserves everything and does not require unloading assets and starting over. Although there are no license fees, maintenance charges (tithe) or Upgrade charges, donations are usually requested at the Saturday user group meetings, (but not at the orthodox ones) and after the annual reboot ceremony. There are media charges for printed documentation. Some minor accessories (yamulkah, tallis, tefillin) may need to be purchased.
Once the Judaism personal operating system is installed and properly licensed, you are allowed to make backup copies for all your child processes. However, they will be running "Judaism Lite" until age 13 when the full personal operating system may be safely installed (Bar Mitzvah). There are a number of holidays, festivals and events which may involve some downtime. These are explained in the documentation in excruciating details. The lunar calendar is non-standard but conversion utilities are available.
Judaism 1.0 is compatible with both Unix and NT. It involves no fear Of daemons, numbers (663) or scientific notation. Many features of the Beta versions of Judaism were cloned by your existing personal operating system. Reliability is greatly enhanced by 5,759 years of experience as compared to only 1,998 years for your current installation. This allowed time to do testing and avoid squabbles over standards as is currently underway in Ireland.
Judaism 1.0 is an impressively powerful personal operating system, but with an installed base of only 3% of the US population. This small but fanatically loyal user base has resulted in extremely low turnover. This also yields excellent system reliability, honesty, survivability and high net worth benchmark results.
Having run Judaism 1.0 for the past 50 years, I can testify as to all the above advantages. I have never experienced a system crash, hang, purge or pogrom that could be attributed to a bug or glitch in the personal operating system. I highly recommend installing the upgrade.
Subject: The Confessional. A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned.
I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man replies, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says,
"Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replies, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Woman says "Once."
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."
Subject: Business. A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Torah and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Torah out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Torah will stay open at a particular page. Read the Torah and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Torah in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Torah. The wind rifles the pages of the Torah and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Torah and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank him for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Torah brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Parsha Yud Aleph (Chapter 11)."
Subject: Viagra on Shabbat. Bet Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure ("boneh").
Bet Hillel says, do not read it as boneh, but rather as boner, and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown, as long as Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than an hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and the man's wife does not have a headache.
And what Brocha does he say before taking the pill? Some say, "Bo-rey pree ha-ets." Others say "Zokeif k'fufim." But the Halacha is, "Ya'aleh v'yavo."
Glossary:
Bet Shammai - "House of Shammai" the school of Shammai, a Talmudic Rabbi
Bet Hillel - the school of the Talmudic Rabbi Hillel, usually in opposition to Bet Shammai
Kabbalat Shabbat - prayers said before the Sabbath begins
Brocha - blessing
Bo-rey pree ha-ets - blessing over the fruit of the tree (i.e., wood)
Zokeif k'fufim - straightens those who are bent over (from the silent prayers - Amidah)
Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come
Subject: Rabbi Problems. A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Rothenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
Subject: Jonah and the Whale. A little girl was observed by her Rabbi waiting for her parents to come and pick her up. The Rabbi noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale."
Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation.
"What's that you have in your hand?", he asked.
"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered.
"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?"
The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!"
He inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big fish, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK?
You really believe all that can be true?"
She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Scriptures and we studied about it today!"
Then the Rabbi asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?"
She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The Rabbi then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in Heaven?"
She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"
Subject: Settling a Theological Dispute. So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Subject: Who Wants to Be a Kosher Millionaire! Now, of course, you know all the Rules
YOU HAVE THREE LIFELINES to help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his Opinion.
2. You may ask the Congregation for their Opinion
3. You may consider your Wife's or Mother's Opinion... or not!
SO..... let's play "Who Wants to Be a Kosher Millionaire!"
Q: Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A: Netanyahoo.
Q: What's the name of facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A: Oil of Oy Vay.
Q: What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A: "Debby Does Dishes."
Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: "Plaintiff."
Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: "Your mother pays retail!"
Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become human?
A: When it graduates from med school.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft, and her nails long and beautiful?
A: Nothing, nothing at all.
Q: Define "Genius:"
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen.
Q: Why did the Moyel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Subject: Overheard on Shabbos at the Great Lawn Central Park. 10. "Excuse me Mr. hotdog vendor, do you know what time minchah is?"
9. "That Rabbi Lookstien can sure fling a frisbee."
8. "Wow, is it Jewish Khaki Shorts pride day, today?"
7. "Is this the Great Lawn or the Great Synagogue?"
6. "That guy over there with the big black yarmulke, payis, and no shirt is hot!"
5. "Forget cholent, all I need right now for my shabbos nap is some SPF 15."
4. "Is tanning my skin one of the 39 melachos?"
3. "Is that blue and white tankini you're wearing in support of Israel?"
2. "Of course I can listen to my walkman, don't you know Manhattan is an island!"
1. "Who needs suntan lotion, when we got horseradish!"
Subject: The Haircut. A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
Subject: Jewish Country-Western Songs.
1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honky Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot on the Glass, Where Are You?"
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Coming Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breakin' My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off With My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew It Meant Goodbye"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys" (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Built Up Over Years of Effort Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"
Subject: Car Washing During the Nine Days. One should refrain from washing one's car during the Nine-Days. It is considered especially meritorious to refrain from car washing if one is accustomed to washing his car every week.
For people who are sensitive and cannot accept the stigma of driving around with a dirty car, or perhaps, need a clean car exterior as a job requirement, the following guidelines should be followed: Preferably, one should ask a Goy to wash the car for him. If a person insists on washing their car themselves, they must be careful not to get wet during the process. Gloves, long sleeve shirts and pants are the recommended attire. Some Poskim feel that if your hose or water faucet is outside and the temperature is above 75 degrees Fahrenheit, that you should let the water run for at least a minute before filling up a bucket or spraying your car directly from the hose.
One should use an instant liquid thermometer or a laser spot thermometer to test the water and should not use their hands directly less they come in contact with lukewarm water or Rachmana L'tzlan, hot water.
In any case, the use of hot wax to bring back the lustrous, mirror like gloss to your car's finish is strictly forbidden.
Rabbi Menachem Uvel
Subject: Bar Mitzvah Gift. There was a young man who was known for his lack of religious study. The rabbi of the congregation was not about to let this go unnoticed. The boy performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal preparation.
When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
But then the rabbi added a special gift. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem.......and now for my own special gift to you," with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lectern, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"
Subject: The Haircut. A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
Subject: Signs Your Assistant Rabbi Isn't Ready For The Big Time. Instead of "Yasher Koach", pats each congregant on the butt, saying "Nice shot, slugger"
Constantly butting in line in front of kids to get to synagogue candy man
Constantly confuses "Baba Metzia" with "Baba Ganush"
When quoting Genesis, always throws in something about Phil Collins being an anti-semite
When asked a halachic question, responds "Now what would Encyclopedia Brown do?"
Cracks up every time he hears the word "Bereshit"
Constantly butting in line in front of kids to get to synagogue candy man
Can't remember who is after Grumpy when listing 12 sons of Yaacov
"Is tanning my skin one of the 39 melachos?"
The Parsha keeps changing, but his speech stays the same
Refers to Maimoinides as "Rambam Bigalo"
When it's time for the Rabbi's speech, he walks out
When making halachic decisions keeps referring to "Rav Artscroll"
Keeps peeking over the mechitzah
Keeps bidding on the kivudim instead of letting the members buy them for him
Offers to give a weekly shiur on love and dating to singles
He offers to sponsor a kiddush, then asks for matching funds from the kiddush club
He's totally satisfied with his position and has no plans to plot a coup against the Chief Rabbi
Frequently wears a tye-dye "puff the kosher dragon" t-shirt.
Does the "kiss the sky" gesture every time he's called for an aliyah.
Plays "enforcer" position for shul's ice hockey team.
Gives his parsha shiur straight off Gush website printout.
Always makes funny faces behind Rabbi during Sermons.
He's single and lives with 2 female room mates he went to JTS with.
Led youth Chanukah party through rousing rendition of Adam Sandler's "chanukah song" while consuming gin+tonika and marijuanika.
When Rabbi is away his pre-mussaf sermon goes, "I think we've prayed enough today, shul dismissed! let's kiddush!"
Often consults magic 8-ball when answering halachic questions.
He constantly flirts with the congregants - on his side of the mechitzah
Keeps getting the Artscroll and Soncino page numbers mixed up
Has to be woken up during layning to say the tefilah for Israel
He's "out" on day 2 of sefira.
Can't remember if it's the 3 weeks and the 9 days, or was it the 9 weeks and the 3 days...
His fly's open during the drashah
Thinking it was Purim, he comes to shul on Yom Kippur dressed up as a clown.
Comes back from the kiddush club drunk and smelling of herring.
When getting an aliyah, he goes up to the Torah with a linear transliterated Artscroll siddur.
He's tone deaf and can't play guitar.
Has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth when pronouncing a "Chet."
Every shiur he gives makes no sense, but ends with, "and we should be zoche to see the mashiach, bimheira v'yamainu, amen!"
He's 55 years old, was a car mechanic in his previous vocation, and rides a pick up truck (Can you say, "Uncle Jessie")
When a frum congregant asks an in-depth question about Rabbeinu Tam's teffilin, he replies, "That's very personal, please tell Rabbeinu Tam I would like to speak with him about it."
He sometimes gets confused and refers to Israel as the land of "Busser v'Chalev."
He's not related to the rabbi.
Politely asks congregants to refer to him as "Your Majesty"
His motto: Shake a hand, do a shot
Fails to use at least two made-up English words in speech
Thinks "Deuteronomy" is surfer slang for science
Starts Yom Tov speech with "Anyone got a light?"
Subject: The Rabbi and The Sheriff. The sheriff of a small town in the South was less than cooperative with the local Jewish community.
One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police.
The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."
"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary to first get in touch with their immediate family."
Subject: Top Yiddish Movies.
1. GONIF WITH THE WIND - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
2. THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE - A Mohel murder mystery.
3. SCHNORER RAE - A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement.
4. BALABOOSTA COCKBURN - John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook.
5. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY - A kosher noodle western.
6. MOBY DRECK - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.
7. THE CINCINNATI YID - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation.
8. LITVAK BIG MAN - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant.
9. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES... Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
10. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER - Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.
11. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH - the extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips.
12. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE - an overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.
13. MAMZA POPPINS - A talented nanny has questions about her birth-legitimacy.
14. THE MATZO CANDIDATE - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that it's always Passover.
15. MISTER SCHNAPPS GOES TO WASHINGTON -Jimmy Stewart thinks he's still filming Harvey.
16. DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK - Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.
17. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE - Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
18. BORSCHT-TIME FOR BONZO -Ronald Reagan tries to train an Ashkenazi monkey.
19. SINGING IN THE CH'RAIN - Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella.
20. THE SIX CENTS... Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
21. SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS... Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
22. DREYDEL WILL ROCK... Chanukah toy comes alive.
23. OY OF THE BEHOLDER... Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
24. GOYS DON'T CRY... Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Tisha B'Av.
25. ISN'T SHE GEVALDIK... Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann.
26. STUART LADLE... Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
27. THE GREEN MOYEL... Young man performs first circumcision.
28. MUN ON THE MOON... Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling on lunar surface is not green cheese.
29. GOY STORY II... Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another.
30. ANGELA'S KASHAS... Woman reveals secret recipes.
31. SUPERNOVA... Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Subject: Rabbi Bloom's Kitten. One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom's kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn't come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - "Here kitty kitty," he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet's basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn't reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company.
Some days later, he met Freda in the deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats.
"Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won't believe me, Rabbi," she replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the sky ..."
Subject: Synagogue Bulletin Blunders. These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours".
Subject: Jewish Groaner. Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse?
Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour.
A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I'm appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."
Subject: The Dog.
An Orthodox rabbi moved into a town where heretofore there had only been a Reform rabbi. One evening he hears a soft knock on his back door. He opens it to find the president of the sisterhood of the Reform temple standing there with a shaila on a chicken.
"What did you do before I came to town?"
"I asked our rabbi."
"What did he tell you?"
"Give it to your dog. The pasuk says lakelev tashlichun oso, so if it's treif the dog will eat it."
"So why come to me now?"
"That dog is a tremendous machmir!".
Subject: Rabbi's Meeting. After a long, dry sermon, the rabbi announced that he wished to meet with the shul's board following the services. The first man to arrive and greet the rabbi was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the rabbi.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Subject: Israel. This is the only country where the unemployed strike. This is the only country where the 'cross country' road ends before it reaches its half way, "Airport City 2000" is still closed in 2004, the water import begins on the rainiest year ever, and Pee GLILOT (where they produce gas) is being dismantled for over 8 years and still exists. This is the only country where 60 year olds still hate their TIRONUT commander. This is the only country that has 2 Treasury ministers and neither of them has a dime, a 101 year old rabbi establishes a political party, the prime-minister is not allowed to be the minister of Defense in accordance with a state committee resolution, the opposition forgot to elect a candidate for the capital city and the MPs who chose the right to be silent don't shut their mouths. This is the only country where the corporal's mother has the commander's telephone no., (so he should watch it). This is the only country that has a communication satellite, but nobody let you finish a sentence. This is the only country where missiles from Iraq have exploded, katiushas from Lebanon, suicide bombers from Gaza and rockets from Syria, and still a 3 room apartment costs more than in Paris.
This is the only country where female porn stars are being asked "what does your mother say about it", soccer players come to the field with their daddy to shout at the coach, and on Friday night when going to the parents, you sit on exactly the same chair you've been sitting on when you were 5.
This is the only country where an Israeli meal is made from an Arab salad, Romanian Kebab, Iraqi pita bread and Bavarian mousse (which is a county in Germany). We must like eating anti-Semitics.
This is the only country where the guy with the open shirt and stain on it is the honorable minister and the guy beside him with the suit and tie is his driver. This is the only country where the phrase "I didn't interfere" means that I want to interfere.
This is the only country where Muslims sell sacred souvenirs to Christians, in exchange for bills that have the RAMBAM's face on them.
This is the only country where at age 18 you leave home and at 24 you still live in it. This is the only country where people who come to visit you for the first time ask you if it's ok to "take something from the fridge". This is the only country where you can tell what the security situation from the songs that are being played on the radio. This is the only country where the rich are on the socialist left, the poor are on the capitalistic right and the bourgeois pay for everything.
This is the only country where it's no problem to get software that launches a space shuttle, but you have to wait for a week for your washing machine to be fixed. And only here (if we're touching the subject) there's a time unit called "I'll come sometime between eleven and six".
This is the only country where on the first date you ask a girl where she served in the army. And this is the only country where she was probably in a more militant job than you. This is the only country where between the happiest day and the saddest day there are exactly 60 seconds (Memorial Day and Independence Day).
This is the only country where most people can't explain why they live in it but they have loads of reasons why they can't live elsewhere.
This is the only country where if you hate politicians, hate clerks, hate the situation, hate the taxes, hate the quality of service and hate the weather, it must mean that you like it (the country).
This is the only country I could live in. It's my country.
by Efraim Kishon
Subject: Top Ten Reasons Joe Lieberman Dropped out of the Presidential Race. 10. Couldn't get Congress to pass his "Leave work early on Friday" Bill
9. Thought he was running for the Presidency of the White Shul, not the White House
8. Only had enough campaign money to last for one campaign in 2000, but miraculously it lasted through most of a second run
7. Staff was getting tired of starting every conversation with "I don't want to speak about politics on Shabbos, BUT" (Nish Gshabbos geretin)
6. Thought it might effect his kid's shidduch prospects
5. White House wouldn't commit to having mezuzah's in the West Wing
4. Depressed to hear Jon Stewart turned down his VP offer
3. Bottom line: Jewish men can never commit
2. Didn't want the myth "Jews control America" to actually have some truth to it
1. Realized his speeches were boring enough to make it big...in the rabbinate
Subject: Duracell. A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory.
His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".
Subject: Rabbi Green. I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the chapel, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.
I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."
The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.
"Imagine," she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your first wedding!"
Subject: Family. In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.
But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
However, she agreed and they were married. On the first Friday after the marriage, they went to the mikvah. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My Ima told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. Then she lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My Aba told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex". So they did.
After Kiddush, the Shabbos meal, benching, they went to bed. When they awoke the next morning, he said to her "My Boba said that before you go to Shul it's a mitzvah to have sex". So they did.
After davening Shachris and Musaf, they came home to have a meal and a rest, and again he whispers in her ear. "My Zaida says that before Mincha it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "Nu, So how is the new husband?" She replies. "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family".
Subject: How Many ... Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb?
Q: How many Orthodox rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?
Q: How many Conservative rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Some members of the Committee on Law & Standards say it takes a minyan, except what makes a minyan nobody can agree on. Some say the minyan can be made up of men and women, some say only men, some say men OR women. There was no majority, so the issue remains subject to the decision of the synagogue leader.
Q: How many Reform rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.
Q: How many Hasidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
Q: How many Reconstructionist Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a Reconstructionist Jew?
Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the rabbi leading the process is sufficiently skilled in channelling spiritual energy, the light bulb will be relit by itself. However, the bulb must be an eco-kosher bulb that is not going to be lit from nuclear powered electricity and have been made from a company that was in any way responsible for the poisoning of the Hudson River. And during the paradigm shift between the changing of the bulb, one must document the experience for the up and coming book called "The Jew in the Light bulb".
Q: How many Shlomo Carlebach hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gevaldt, the light just went out, it must be a heavenly sign from Above that we all really need to get much closer this time, sing a good niggun or two, mamash open our hearts to this gevaldt Ishbitz torah, tell a Baal Shem Tov story and then later maybe somebody from the chevre can change the bulb at 2 in the morning.
Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it never died.
Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because there will never be another one that will burn as brightly as the first.
Q: How many Kabbalah Center Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it would take to raise the $5000 bulb that was carefully selected by Rabbi Philip Berg based on its inherent ability to drawn down the Supernal Light into a Vessel astrologically appropriate for that particular Center as well as financially appropriate for their account.
Q: How many congregants in any one synagogue does it take to change a bulb?
A: CHANGE! You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother is the one who donated that light bulb!
Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50. One to change the bulb, 13 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb, and 36 to live elsewhere, start their own community, act mentshlich and not mention the previous bulb to anyone.
Subject: Tradition? During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do.
His congregation suggested that he consult a homebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was.
So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand!"
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "Ahh... you see? THAT is our tradition!"
IRS. A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit
and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a
story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married,asked her
mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel
nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her
best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee,
with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with
the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Subject: Top Ten Ways the Story of Purim Would be Different if it Occurred Today.
10. Vashti relieved that king calls her to dance naked and not one of his sleazy girlfriends
9. Story ends with Mordechai and Haman signing historic peace treaty on White House lawn
8. Bigtan and Teresh caught trying to return rental van used in assassination attempt
7. Haman's children finally killed by lethal injection after lengthy appeals process
6. Jews required to drink 'till they no longer know the difference between Pat Buchanan and Al Sharpton
5. In addition to Mishloach Manot and Matanot L'Evyonim, Megillah institutes No Alternate-Side-Of-The-Street Parking
4. Like Esther might ever agree to marry one of those slimy Ayatollahs
3. Instead of calling national fast day, Rabbis hold ill-attended rally in front of Persian embassy
2. Haman forced to share funds with rival extremist group, Hezbollah
1. Rav Shach orders followers not to fight Haman, 'cause having the Jewish community saved by a woman just isn't halachikly acceptable.
Subject: You Are No Longer "Cool" When...
1.You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2.You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3.The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4.You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5.Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
6.You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend
7.You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
8.You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
9.You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
10.When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
11.When jogging is something you do to your memory.
12.Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
13.Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
14.Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
15.All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
16.You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
17.You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
18.You actually ASK for your father's advice.
19.You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board
Subject: A Letter From Florida. My darling Grandson,
I have aged a little since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old Grannie.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he's here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes! I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma Gussie
P.S. Rabbi Abrams came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time.
No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself........... "Now, what am I here after?"
Subject: Last Will. A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week."
Subject: A Space Shuttle Bar Mitzvah. A safari Bar Mitzvah was being done too often, so the father of the boy arranged to rent the shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a lot of attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.
The first person off the shuttle was the grandma, and the reporters asked, "How was the service?"
Grandma answered, "OK".
"How was the boy's speech?"
"OK."
"How was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere!"
Subject: Knowledge. The old rabbi was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
The old rabbi said, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"
"Ahh, yes sir...."
Subject: Sure Thing, Babe. A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, Babe," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, Honey," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Damn, Baby!" the skinhead cried, "do you think I'm made of bricks or somethin'!"
Subject: The Preachers & the Bear. A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of a very large college campus that shall remain unnamed. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.
"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimore Chatecism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers... you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
Subject: Gefilte Fish, the Real Story. (by Lawrence Sherry)
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So once again, here goes.
Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish can be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of the lake with some Matzoh. Now this is very important!! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here boy," "here boy." The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come en masse to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.
Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell". Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish! Only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy"!
The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming ,and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time. I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy. Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes!
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