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Harry's Jokes might contain adult language.
I try to keep the jokes clean, but sometimes one is way too good to pass up.
If you are offended by such, please do not read the jokes or subscribe to the mailing list.

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    Got a good joke that is not on these pages? Send it to HBH and I'll add it.    This site is constantly evolving and updating, with new jokes arriving every week.    So please visit again! -     Thanks! -     Any suggestions, warmly welcomed!

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Subject: Welcome to America.
Fresh from Europe, a Jew sees another Jew reading the
Yiddish paper on a park bench, on the Sabbath, smoking a cigar.
"America is wonderful," he says. "Here even the goyim can read Yiddish!"

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Subject: What are Arabs?
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."
The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"
Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several violent Muslim extremists of Arab extraction destroyed the buildings."
The boy thought about that for a minute and then asked his father:
"Daddy, what are Arabs?"

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Subject: Yiddish Paper.
Rabbi Mordechai Schleppman was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils.
So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when little Saul handed in a poor paper.
"This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the rabbi. "It has to many mistakes I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."
"One person didn't," replied Saul defensively. "My father helped me."

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Subject: New York in 2032.
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers.
The son looks at his father and asked: Dad, what are the Twin Towers?
Father says: My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings.
The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:
Daddy what are Arabs?

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Subject: Afghanistan.
Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.
"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"

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Subject: Y'all Got Them?
A spaceship lands in the middle of Texas.
As the Martians start filing out, a big Texan walks up to the one who looks like the leader.
He asks the Martian, "Y'all got them green eyes?"
The Martian answers back in a machine-like drone, "Yes, we all have green eyes."
The Texan again inquires, "and y'all go those antennay on yo' head?"
"Yes we all have antennae on our heads."
The Texan is still curious, as he looks as more of the Martians, he again asks the leader, "Y'all got them long black coats?"
To which the Martian says, "No, only the Hasidim."

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Subject: 120.
When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.
The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, ...."Anyone who's 99."

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Subject: Rules for Jewish Living.
1 Never take a front-row seat at a bris
2 If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish
3 The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana
4 And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5 A good kugel sinks in mercury
6 Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre
7 Guilt is critical to your existence
8 One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired
9 Never leave a restaurant empty-handed
10 The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side-of-the-street parking is suspended
11 A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight
12 Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13 According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants, on Sundays
14 If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear
15 No meal is complete without leftovers
16 If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid
17 The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall
18 It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job
19 After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's
20 Non jews leave and never say good-bye Jews say good-bye and never leave
21 Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia
22 If you don't eat it, it will kill me
23 Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times
24 Next year in Jerusalem The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25 Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Florida
26 Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon
AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
27 There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an adult
This usually happens around age 45.

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Subject: Florida Rabbi.
In a large Florida city, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah, but he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon.
So he decided to hire a Shabbos goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbos goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.
Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi.
The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial in-sermon-ation.

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Subject: Answering Machine.
"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, dial 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

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Subject: Muppet Dictator.
It has been known for quite some time that Yasser Arafat is not human at all, but actually a muppet created by the late Jim Henson. As no one would want to be the leader of the PLO, the U.S. Government enlisted the help of Henson Studios to create a "muppet dictator."
The rumor must be true, because we never see Arafat in an interview from the waist down, and when we do, he is sitting in an overstuffed chair the right size to hide a puppeteer.

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Subject: Jesus at The Pearly Gates.
Jesus was standing in for St Peter at the Pearly Gates when an old man shuffles up. Jesus goes through the standard entry procedures:
"Name?" says Jesus.
"Joseph" says the old man.
"Occupation?" asks Jesus
"Carpenter" replied the old man.
"Family - Any children?" continues Jesus.
"I once had a son" answers the man.
"Describe him" says Jesus
"Well", said the old man, "He was a bit strange and childlike - and he had nails in his hands and feet".
Jesus looked closely at the old man who peered back at Jesus and asked: "Pinnochio?"

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Subject: Arafat.
Arafat has gotten paranoid about his health lately, and has ordered his doctors to give him every test known to medical science to make sure he doesn't have some terminal disease. After a long while, they tell him he has been tested for everything they have ever heard of, but he doesn't believe them. So, knowing how good the Jews are in health care, he sends his secret police to go spy on the Jewish communities for a while to see what kinds of tests they run on their own people.
The security chief finally reports back: "Well, there's one in particular that the Jews seem to think is very important - it's called an IQ test."
Immediately Arafat arranges to have himself tested, and is very relieved when they tell him that the results were negative.

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Subject: Last Breath.
A Russian Jew fell off the river bank into the water. Since he could not swim, he was in danger of drowning.
Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed to the river bank. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed at him and began to walk off.
"Help, I can't swim," shouted the Jew.
"Then drown," one replied.
Suddenly the Jew shouts with his last breath: "Down with the Tsar!"
The policemen immediately rushed into the water, pulled the Jew on to the bank, and arrested him for sedition.

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Subject: The Arab Criminal.
An Arab is caught red-handed stealing onions. He is given a choice between paying the equivalent of a hundred dollars, receiving a hundred lashes, or eating a hundred onions. He chooses the onions, of course, but after only a few of them, he can't stand the tears anymore and begs for the lashings. But that too proves to be too much after a dozen or so, and then asks for the fine.
Upon returning home, he tells his wife: "I really cheated them this time. I ate only a few onions, received a number of lashes, and ... delayed paying the fine as much as I could."

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Subject: Shainer Panim.
A grandmother and her cute little granddaughter went to the mall.
While shopping, they became separated. Security saw the sobbing little girl and asked her name. She responded, "Shana-Punam-Kenahorah-Poo- Poo-Poo."
The security person asked the child again for her name.
She said, again, "My name is Shana-Punam-Kenahorah-Poo-Poo-Poo." So he announced over the PA that he has a cute brown eyed, brown haired little girl who has lost her grandma ---please come to the InformationCenter to claim, "Shana-Punam-Kenahorah-Poo-Poo-Poo." Ten grandmas came running to claim her!!!

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Subject: The Injured Bureaucrat.
A civil servant is badly hurt falling down the stairs of the Ministry of Absorption in Jerusalem.
He is taken to Hadassah hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him:
"My friend, I have for you some bad news and some good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again..."
"Nu," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "And what's the bad news?"

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Subject: Irish Jew.
A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.
A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says, "Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and he asks me riddles!"

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Subject: Rabbi's Letter.
A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:
"SCHMUCK"
The next Friday night he announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But, this week, I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."

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Subject: Long Hair.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."

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Subject: Surgery.
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

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Subject: Thirty years later.
There were three men, who when they came off of the ship from Europe in the early 1920's and as they were going their seperate ways, all agreed to meet up again Thirty Years later to see how they all turned out.
1950's: All three men showed up at the now-dilapadated port.
The first one, Sam Goldstein said, "ven I came to America, I vasn't sure vat I vas going to do, so I looked at my name, and I saw 'Gold'. So I invested in Gold, and boy did I make a fortune!"
The second one, Herbert Silverstein said, "ven I came to America, I too vasnt sure vat I vould do, like Sammy, I looked at my name, but I didn't see Gold, I saw 'Silver', so I invested in Silver, and boy did I make it big!"
The first two then looked at the third man and said, "nu Schneider, vat about you? Vat did you do ven you came to America?"
Schmele replied saying, "in Europe, I vas a Tailor, and I vas a very, very good one. After 3 days open in Manhattan and no business coming, I turned to God and I said 'God, if you make me successful, I will make you a partner with me'"
The first two looked at the third and said, "So, vat happened?"
Schmele responded, "You never heard of Lord & Tailor?"

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Subject: Harry Potter Gematria.
I've done some interesting gematria, which I wanted to share.
If you assign the number 1 for A, the number 2 for B, etc., the gematria for Harry Potter comes out to 164.
If you then add 613 for the taryag mitzvot, you get 777.
Then subtract out seven for the sheva mitzvos b'nei Noach, and you get 770.
This is a clear indication that J.K. Rowling believes that the Rebbe is Moshiach. Therefore, anyone who does not believe that the Rebbe is Moshiach should not be reading Harry Potter books.

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Subject: Arafat's decision.
U. N. officials have hailed Yasser Arafat's decision to convert to Judaism as a major step in bringing peace to the Middle East.
In Israel, government offices were swamped beyond capacity by applicants volunteering to be the moyel.

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Subject: Gid Hanasheh.
What do you say to someone if you think they have eaten from the gid hanasheh?
"I wish to insinuate that a sinew you ate, and in sin you ate!"

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Subject: Check please!
An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a very expensive restaurant for dinner one night. Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check to?"
The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I'll take care of everything." "Fine," said the waiter.
The next day the headlines read: 'Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death'

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Subject: Jewish Volunteers.
So a car full of ladies from the Temple Beth Israel fund raising committee is in a terrible accident. They arrive at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter is waiting.
The women want to get into Heaven, so Saint Peter looks through the book, but can't find them listed in the New Arrivals section.
"I'm sorry," Saint Peter says to them, "but I can't find you in the book, there must be some mistake."
With that, he sends them down to Hell. A week later, God asks Saint Peter, "What happened to those Jewish ladies who were supposed to be here?"
"You mean the ones from Temple Beth Israel?" Saint Peter asks. "I didn't see them listed, so I sent them to Hell."
"You what?" God asks outraged, "I wanted them here. If you want to keep your job Saint Peter, you better call Satan and get them back up here ASAP."
St. Peter gets on the phone and calls Hell. Satan answers. St. Peter, "Satan you know those Jewish ladies I sent down there last week? Well I really need them up here. Could you please send them back?"
"No way," Satan replies. "They're here two days and they've already raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system."

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Subject: Bin Laden and Arafat.
Osama Bin Laden meets Arafat.
He asks him to explain how come they whilst both are terrorists - everyone is out to capture and kill him (Bin Laden) - while you still manage to be friends with most of the world's leaders?
Answers Arafat:
"That's very simple; I only kill Jews!"

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Subject: Mea Culpa.
Following the latest atrocity in Jerusalem, the Secretary Powell pleaded with the Palestinians to issue some form of denunciation. Arafat complained that only the Palestinian side is ever required to denounce terror. Predictably, the Palestinian denunciation later mumbles that they "deplore the murder of civilians on both sides."
Perhaps the Palestinians have a point, and so to set the record straight, I do hereby denounce the following in the name of the Jewish People:
1. All Jewish suicide bombers who have ever acted against Arabs.
2. All Arab buses blown up by Jews.
3. All Arab pizza parlors, malls, discotheques and restaurants destroyed by Jewish terrorists.
4. All airplanes hijacked by Jews since 1903.
5. All Ramadan feasts targeted by Jewish bombs.
6. All Arabs lynched in Israeli cities; all Arab Olympic athletes murdered by Jews; all Arab embassies bombed by Jews.
7. All mosques, cemeteries and religious schools fire bombed or desecrated by Jews in North Africa, France, Belgium, Germany, England or any other country.
8. The destruction of American military, governmental and civilian institutions in Kenya, Pakistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia and Yemen - along with the murder of U.S. Marines and diplomatic personnel.
9. All Jewish school books which claim that Arabs poison wells, use Christian blood to bake pita, control world finance, and murdered Jesus; or that Arab elders meet secretly to plot a world takeover.
10. And I am particularly ashamed at the way my fellow Jews attacked the World Trade Center, Pentagon and civilian aircraft on September 11, and danced in the streets to celebrate the act.
Prof. Stephen Berger Tel Aviv Medical Center.

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Subject: A Rosen By Any Other Name.
Los Angeles had a desert version of the Catskills called Murietta Hot Springs with mud baths and water that smelled like rotten eggs. When you would have a phone call it was a very big deal because it was long distance and the clerk would call you on the loud speaker "Telephone call for Abe Gitlin" etc. One day everyone was surprised by an announcement:
"Telphone call for Shane Ferguson"
"Telphone call for Shane Ferguson"
Several people went to the front desk to get a look at Shane Ferguson and were even more curious when an old Jewish gentleman responded to the paging.
After his call, one of the budinskies asked the man how he came to be named Shane Ferguson. Shane replied that his name in the old country was Mottle Rosenschwieg.
"My uncle, who was in America 10 years before me, told me to tell immigration that my name was Morris Rose. I practiced saying my new name for the entire trip on the boat. I asked the American sailors to say it for me and learned to pronounce it. I was standing in line at the immigration for two hours, worrying about everything, when the officer finally asked me my name, I said 'schane fergessen' (I forgot already)
So that's what the immigration man wrote."

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Subject: Bacon tree.
When America was being settled, a group of people headed West in a wagon train. Their inexperienced leader soon became lost. They were getting desperate when they came over a hill and saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to the old Jew and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Can you help us?"
The old Jew said, "Mister, all I know is dis. If you go up dat there hill und down other side, I guarantee de'll be a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie?"
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge, so the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake."
"It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

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Subject: Why is Moshiach not coming?
Because his mother says this is not a good time to go to Israel!

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Subject: A Jewish Redneck?
How Can You Tell If You Are A Jewish Redneck?
1) You think a Hora is a high priced call girl.
2) You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.
3) Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
4) instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.
5) You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
6) You think "KKK" is a symbol for really kosher.
7) You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish law.
8) You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
9) when someone shouts L'chaim you respond L'howdy.
10) You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special occasion.

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Subject: Flight Attendant.
A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, well she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what do you want from my life?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh . . . El - Al"
Those of you who fly el-al will be able to appreciate this more...........

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Subject: Top Ten Signs.
Top Ten Signs Your Lubavitcher Teen Is In Trouble.
10. Sometimes gets out of bed on shabbos before 9 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without sheitels or snoods.
8. Shows up at farbrangens in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Menachem Mendel, but he goes by "M Square Daddy"
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese -- OU, but not cholov yisroel.
1. He's wearing his black hat backwards.

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Subject: In the Tzar's time.
After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish, because this is, after all, a Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ah? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are here in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband, which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What is the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the university.
At this point, the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir," answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name? "Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

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Subject: Gefilte fish.
Gefilte fish is really prepared from European carp that infest our waterways. It is prepared by placing a housebrick in the bottom of a saucepan. On top of the brick you put the carp. You add water to just cover the carp. You bring this to the boil and gently simmer until the housebrick turns to jelly.
Then you throw away the carp and the water and voila: gefilte fish.

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Subject: About those Cohens.
A client walked into the law firm of Cohen, Cohen, Cohen,and Cohen. He said to a clerk behind the counter "I would like to speak to Mr. Cohen."
"I'm sorry, but the founder of the firm is deceased."
"OK, let me speak to Mr. Cohen"
"Mr. Cohen isn't taking new clients."
"OK, let me speak to Mr. Cohen."
"Mr, Cohen is in court today."
"Nu, so let me speak to Mr. Cohen already."
"Speaking."

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Subject: On a plane.
On a plane, headed for Dallas-Fort Worth, two boisterous Texans are sitting in the aisle and window seats, with an old Jewish man between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place 'The Jolly Roger.'"
The second Texan says, "Well, you can call me John. I own 2 million acres, with 5000 head of cattle. Folks call my place Big Johns."
They both look expectantly at the old Jewish man who finally offers, "My name is Irving Mendelbaum, and I own, I think, 500 acres. Maybe a little less."
Roger looks down at him and says, "500 Acres? What the hell can you raise on 500 acres?"
"Feh! I don't raise noting", replies Irving.
"Well, then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Oy, what should I call it?" replies Irving. "I guess, Downtown Dallas."

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Subject: Looking for a shidduch??
A young lady visited a shadchan, hoping for the best.
She said to the shadchan, "I'm looking for a spouse. Could you please help me to find someone suitable?"
"Certainly," said the shadchan. "What are your requirements?"
"Well," she explained, "He needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours if I don't go out. And I want him to tell me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation, but to be silent when I want to rest."
The shadchan listened carefully.
Then he smiled and said, "I understand exactly what you need. You need a good television!"

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Subject: The Meshuggene.
Morris Cohen was a patient in a mental institution and he argued long and hard that he must be served only kosher food.
Finally, sick of arguing with him and unable to avoid the extra work and expense, the director of the institution acquiesed and for much expense he had kosher meals specially prepared daily.
Some time later, on the Sabbath, the director was strolling around the grounds, when he came upon Cohen sitting in a chair and smoking a cigar.
"Wait a minute, Cohen," he said. "I thought you were so religious that we had to bring in special food for you. And now you are smoking on the Sabbath!! What a hypocrite!!!"
"But doctor," Cohen replied. "Did you forget? I'm meshuggah."

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Subject: Lunch.
In the middle of lunch, Mrs. Slotnick is interrupted by a committee of workmen who report that her husband has just been badly wounded on the job and is in critical condition at the hospital.
She does not say a word and continues eating.
They say again, "Do you hear what we are telling you, Mrs. Slotnick? Your husband was hurt and he is in critical condition!"
"Gentlemen," she says, "I heard absolutely every word. And as soon as I finish this soup, you are going to hear such a scream!"

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Subject: Two Men.
The story is told of two men visiting New York City for the first time who come across two Jews wearing long black coats, wide-brimmed hats, with long beards and payos (earlocks).
One man turns to the other and says, "What's that?" The second man replies, "Hassidem."
The first man responds, "I see them, too -- but, what are they?"

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Subject: Jewish Girls.
"There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette Zionist to figure that one out."

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Subject: A Man Named Joseph.
The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa.
The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father.
He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer.
In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."

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Subject: Two Towels.
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."

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Subject: Out to lunch.
Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.
"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, demmit, I'm serious!"

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Subject: Palestinian virus warning.
A new virus has been detected that you may want to take precautions against. Be careful, if you try to solve this virus problem, you will be castigated in the media and by the UN. This is the Palestinian Virus - a virus that settles in your PC, claims it was there before your PC was built or Bill Gates was born, then demands parts of your hard drive.
If you want the virus to leave you and your PC alone, you can try to give the virus the hard drive space it wants, but it will refuse the deal and start killing data on your computer.
Some people have suggested a solution for this virus problem is to give the virus its own PC. As stated above, this virus has been known to refuse the offer. Other nearby PCs wont take the virus either, even if the virus is compatible with the other computers. The virus seams to want nothing less than to take over your entire computer and with the removal and destruction of all your data.
Software based anti-virus solutions have been proposed, but so far only hardware solutions have had any impact. The only solution we have been able to determine that may work is physical removal of the virus from your computer. The only problem with this solution is all the other computers will object.
Sincerely yours,
Al Talena

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Subject: Yizkor.
A man comes into the shul to ask the rebbe for help. His wife is in labor and it is taking a long time for the baby to come out and he doesn't know what to do. As it happens, the rebbe is not there that day but his young son is sitting next to place where the rebbe usually sits. After hearing the man's problem, the rebbe's son tells the man to go home and say Yizkor and then everything will be alright. Sure enough, the man goes home and davens Yizkor and then his wife gives birth shortly afterwards.
The next day he goes back to the shul and thanks the rebbe profusely for his son's help.
After the man leaves, the rebbe turns to his son and tells him, "Shmerrill, I'm very impressed that you knew what to tell this man to do so his wife would give birth. But tell me, why did you tell him to say Yizkor?"
The son replies, "Because before we daven Yizkor we always say 'Children go out!'"

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Subject: Palestinian Comedy Awards.
The 1st Annual Palestinian Comedy Awards.
by Martin M. Bodek
Funniest Denial of Religious Tenets - King Abdullah's wife is the only known arab who walks around with her hair uncovered and her arms bare. The other 4 bajillion arab women gracing the planet have to cover body parts even the Amish leave exposed, but Mrs. Abdullah freely bares more skin than Britney Spears. Her Yasser award comes completely covered up with a burka. The statue manufacturers are clever like that.
Funniest Use of American Merchandise - In one of the various pictures of Palestinian rock-throwers (AKA Children-put-in-the-line-of-fire-to-create-photo-ops-for-propaganda), you can clearly see one such imbecile wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey. Last time I checked, most nations that conflict politically with each other will often boycott their products. Strangely, the Palestinians do not. Look closely next time you see a picture of rock throwers, you will not only see American football jerseys, but GAP and Banana Republic are visible as well. The little Yasser that Palestinian gets will be wearing a Jean Paul Gaultier sweater.
Funniest Quote From an American Movie - Saeb Erakat, who negotiates with Israelis by calling them aggressors and provokers (Imagine a baseball agent calling an owner that while trying to negotiate a contract for his client) was on "Meet the Press." He described the situation in The Middle East by saying, and I quote (Obviously, because I'm going to surround it by quotes), "Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." Recognize that quote? It's Yoda! The Palestinians are quoting "Star Wars" to explain themselves! Can you believe this? I can't, so Saeb gets a well deserved Yasser with funny Yoda ears on it.
Funniest Excuse for Revenge - Hamas screams for vengeance any time one of their fold accidentally blows himself up while building a bomb. This is like um, this is sorta like uh, well, it's like vowing vengeance for someone who accidentally blows himself up!!! There's nothing else to compare this stupidity to! What incredible nonsense! Hamas's Yasser award will come in several little pieces.
Funniest Complaint Against House Arrest - Ariel Sharon told Yasser Arafat to go to his room and stay there till he could prove he could play well with others. Arafat complained that it wasn't fair because he couldn't go to Bethlehem for Christmas. Sharon looked into Arafat's background and discovered that he is a Muslim, who as we know, consider Jews and Christians infidels. Sharon said this was a stupid excuse and made Arafat stay in his room longer until he could come up with a better reason. The "Kafiyeh" on the little Yasser will be replaced with a dunce cap.
Funniest Accent - King Abdullah. This guy is Jordanian, but talks like a Brit. What's going on here? He acts like an extra in "Enemy at the Gates." Anybody see this movie? It was about the Russian sniper that turned the tide of WW2 for the Soviet army. Thing is, every Russian in the movie spoke with a British accent. Curious. This guy Abdullah's got the same accent problem. The etching on the bottom of his little Yasser will come with subtitles.
Funniest Negotiator - Jesse Jackson is doing his best to make nice between Israel and the Palestinians. This is a guy who called Boro Park "Hymietown," then "accidentally" fathered an illegitimate child (What, was he standing really, REALLY close to a total stranger?), which qualified him to give emotional support for Bill Clinton's yen for zaftig women and cigars (Sometimes combining the two). One thing I give him credit for though, he's got a cool voice, and he was funny on Saturday Night Live reading "Green Eggs and Ham." His Yasser will have a little halo on it.
Funniest Comeback to Ouster Demand - President Bush specifically said that Yasser Arafat had to go, and new leadership had to take over. Arafat promptly responded with "He wasn't referring to me." ("What? Me? Guilty?") Oh? How many Yasser Arafats ARE there that President Bush could possibly be referring to? His ongoing stupidity is officially rewarded by having the Palestinian Comedy Awards statue created in his image.
Funniest Refugee Problem -
Arab countries: 21
Total land: 5.3 million square miles
Total percentage of Middle Eastern land: 99.875%
Population: 300 Million
Arab politicians: filthy stinking rich
600,000 Arab refugees: homeless
Israeli countries: 1
Total land: 8,000 square miles
Total percentage of Middle Eastern land: 0.125%
Population: 6 million
600,000 Arab refugees: Not their @#$%ing problem

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Subject: One Dollar.
A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."

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Subject: Noah's Ark.
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with G- d, there's always a rainbow waiting.

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Subject: An Elephant.
Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant for just one hundred dollars."
Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"
"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk."
"But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it in."
But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore."
"Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?"
"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra."
Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"

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Subject: Funny People.
Funny people, the Europeans, my paternal grandfather used to joke. When he left it in 1937, there was graffiti on the walls everywhere: "Jews, go to Palestine".
And now when I visit a European capital, the graffiti says "Jews, get out of Palestine".
Have they no memory, the Europeans?

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Subject: Jewish Organization.
Top 10 ways to know you work at a Jewish Organization.
10. When you wear a headband you hear people whisper "is that her hair, or is it a fall?" after you walk past them.
9. You spill your lunch all over yourself and your cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV."
8. There is a shamos box in the copy room.
7. People notice how many times per week you order in lunch, whom you order with, what exactly you're eating, and how much it cost.
6. The "director of human resources" tries to set you up on dates with 35 year old men who live in Queens.
5. The soda-pop cans that are supposedly for every one in the organization are always under lock and key in a special fridge.
4. You have to (get to) shout in hebrew on the phone.
3. At least 4 people in your office are related to each other.
2. The only non-jews around the place work in the accounting department.
1. your salary reminds you of this lovely liturgical quote from the beginning of musaf: "ve kol me she oskim be tzarchei tizbur be emounah" HAKADOSH BARUCH HU YESHALEM!

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Subject: Love Your Goats.
One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes. First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you." The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's." The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair! Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre's." The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The Frenchman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty's." The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The American was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man. He asked the man what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high- paying job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't find a job at all. It's not fair! I'm as good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want you to give me a job even better than Kenji's." The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.
Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answerd, "My cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?" The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?" The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul's goats!"

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Subject: "Kach no es bincho..."
One of our older baalei batim keeps repeating - He has strong taanos (kaveyochel) to Avrohom Ovinu.
Why?
Because when Hashem told him (before the akeideh) "Kach no es bincho...", AO should not have asked all those questions about 'which son?' - as per Rashi.
Rather he should have grabbed Yishmoel and 'opgeshochten oifen platz'.
This would have saved Klall yisroel from a lot of tsores - ad hayom hazeh...

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Subject: Conversion.
Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish.
As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000."
"$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

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Subject: Chelm Hatzolo Medical Terms.
Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.

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Subject: You know you grew up Jewish when...
You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls pot roast "brisket."
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You've had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.
You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
Your mother once smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra!
You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
You have at least six male relatives named David.
You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie, but Barbara Streisand embarrasses you to no end.
Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
You thought whitefish salad and lox were the quintessential party foods.

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Subject: Shul pick up Lines.
Dov Wasserman dov@wass.ws.
1. Pray here often?
2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.
3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but I've been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.
4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.
5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?
6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.
7. Since we're in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?
8. The rabbi's sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?
9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?
10. Don't let my tallis-bag fool you -- I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.
11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.
12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.
13. Whenever I see you, I think of the shammes, also known as the sexton.
14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you...complete...me.
15. You had me at Adon (Olam).
16. Like an incoherent chazzan, I'd like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
17. I think I've lost my page number. Can I have yours?
18. Won't you bimah, bimah baby tonight.
19. I may bless God that "He did not make me a woman", but I'm sure glad He made you one!
20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the women's section all morning...
21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what you've been praying for?
22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbor's property. I sure hope you live across town!
23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, you're a 10!
24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?

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Subject: The Priest and The Rabbi.
The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed.
The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question.
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
"Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean."
"Who of those two goes to wash up."
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud."
"The exact opposite happened." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean." "Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again." "I told you that you will not understand." "The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that that there is a mirror there."
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud.
According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."
"Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest.
"Two men fall through the chimney. One came came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
That is very simple! replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.
The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding."
"You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain."
"Tell me: How is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"

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Subject: Hershele Ostropoler.
One day Hershele was traveling, and he stopped for the night at an inn. The place was deserted: there were no other guests, and even the innkeeper was away, leaving his wife in charge.
"I'm dying of hunger," Hershele told her. "Please give me something to eat."
The innkeeper's wife took a good look at her guest, and she didn't like what she saw. Hershele was unkempt, his coat was torn, and he looked altogether unsavory.
This fellow will never be able to pay the bill, she thought. "I'm sorry, sir," she said to Hershele, "but we're all out of food tonight."
Hershele shook his head and said nothing. Then he looked straight ahead and said to the woman, "In that case, I'm going to have to do what my father did."
Immediately the woman grew frightened. "What did your father do?" she asked.
"My father," Hershele replied, "did what he had to do."
Hearing this, the woman grew even more frightened. Who knew what kind of father this mad had? And she alone in the house! Perhaps his father was a thief, murderer, or worse.
"Just a minute, sir," she said, and soon returned with a full plate of chicken, kishke, fish, and black bread.
Hershele devoured it all, as the woman looked on in amazement. When he finished, he told her, "Lady, that was a wonderful meal, the best I've tasted since last Passover."
Seeing that her guest was finally relaxed and satisfied, the innkeeper's wife dared to ask the question that had been burning in her all evening. "Good sir," she said, "please tell me, what was it that your father did?"
"My father?" said Hershele. "Oh yes, my father. You see, whenever my father couldn't get anything to eat -- he went to bed hungry."

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Subject: The Bush.
George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff.
He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and said, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.
Again George W asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"
Again the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word.
George W tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man.
He continued to stare at the ceiling.
One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem and George W said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him 3 times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet."
To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied, "I can hear you and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."

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Subject: Rothchild and the pauper.
Lord Rothchild was dying from a serious illness. A poor Jew comes and tells him that he has the cure.
"What is it"? Asks Rothchild.
"It is simple," says the poor man. "Move to our community and I'm sure you will recuperate."
"How are you so sure?"
"Because no rich man ever died in our part of town," says the poor man.

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Subject: Eruv.
Two guys have been learning together for 20 years. One of them is going to make a bar mitzvah so he says to the other one, "I am making a bar mitzvah and I would like you to come."
"I'm sorry, I can't."
"But I really want you to come."
"You don't understand. I just can't come."
"But why can't you come?"
"I'm not Jewish."
"What do you mean? We have been learning together for 20 years." "I enjoy the intellectual stimulation." "But we learned that a goy that keeps Shabbos is 'chayav mitvos.'" "I never kept Shabbos. Every time I was ready to leave my house, I put a key in my pocket."
"But we have an eruv here."
"I don't hold from that eruv."

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Subject: The Value Of Offspring.
Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Rachel says, "No children? ... and no grand kids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"

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Subject: A gangster.
A Jewish gangster escapes from a shootout with the police and staggers in to his mothers apartment on the lower East Side. Near death and with a gaping wound in his chest, he gasps, "Ma, I've been shot."
"Oy. Eat first," his mother says, "Later, we'll talk."

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Subject: Citizenship Papers.
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam applying for his citizenship papers.
He was asked to spell "cultivate" - he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence.
He brightened up and said, "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

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Subject: Are you satisfied?
A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay, I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat!!"

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Subject: The Root of Jewish Eating Disorders.
Rosh Hashanah: Feast
Tzom Gedalia: Fast
Yom Kippur: More fasting
Sukkot: Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah: More feasting
Simchat Torah: Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan: No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah: Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet: Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat: Feast
Fast of Esther: Fast
Purim: Eat pastry
Passover: Do not eat pastry
Shavu'ot: Feast on dairy (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz: Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tisha B'Av: Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul: End of cycle. Enrol in Centre for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again

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Subject: 23RD Psalm for a Jewish Princess.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my checkbook
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Target
I shall not go in, for Thou art with me
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.
-- Amen

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Subject: Abe 'n' Zelda.
A recently retired rich couple from New York City, Abe and Zelda Rabinowitz, now living in Boca Raton, Florida were getting ready to go out to dinner. Zelda came out of the bedroom and said Abe, "Darling, do you want me to wear this Channel suit or the Gucci one?"
"Do I care?" he replied.
A few minutes later Zelda, again, came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe, shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
"Who cares?" said Abe.
A few more minutes passed and, again, Zelda came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe darling, shall I wear my five carat pear diamond ring or my six carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"
To which Abe responded, "Hey, I really don't care, but if you don't get your rear in gear, we're going to miss the earlybird special."

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Subject: When Times Get Tough.
Jerry, a non-observant Jew, was telling his troubles to his friend Dave. "My son graduated high school and traveled across Europe to find himself. He ended up in Israel and started studying in a yeshiva. Now he keeps kosher, won't go anywhere on Saturdays, and wears his fringes out in public. He is an embarrassment to me in front of my friends." Dave agreed that Jerry was in a tough predicament.
Sometime later the two hooked up again and Dave asked Jerry if things were any better. "Better?!" said Jerry. "They have gotten much worse. My daughter also ended up studying in a Jewish seminary, and now she is engaged to marry a Hasid! Could things get any worse than that?" "That really is tough", replied Dave. He thought for a moment and said "Maybe you should check your mezuzahs?"

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Subject: The Restaurant.
A Likud party member, a Labor party member, and a member of the Histadrut (Worker's Union) are seated seperately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them, it is the earthly form of the angel Michael.
The Likudnik summons the waitress and asks her to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waitress does so.
The Labor party member asks the waitress to please serve the poor man iced tea and put it on his tab. The waitress does so.
The Histadrut member asks the waitress to please serve the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and put it on his tab. Again, the waitress does so.
When Michael is finished eating, he goes over to the Likud man and says, "I was hungry, and you gave me what to eat. Thank you. I see that you are blind." He touches the man's eyes, and his blindness is healed.
Michael then goes up to the Labor man and says, "I was thirsty, and you gave me what to drink. Thank you. I see that you have a lame leg." He touches the man's leg, and it is healed.
Michael then approaches the Histadrut member.
Suddenly the Histadrut man moves away quickly and shouts, "Don't touch me! Stay away! I'm on a hundred percent disability!"

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Subject: The Guest.
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the Shul and says "I want to give you an Aliyah."
"What is your name," he asks the man?
The man answers, "Sara bas Moshe."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."
The man says, "It is Sara bas Moshe."
The Gabbai asks, "How can that be your name?"
The man answers "I've been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife's name."

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Subject: Non-Jewish Jokes.
All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some gentile jokes:

A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500."
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."

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Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says; "Just great! Thanks for asking!"

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Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"

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A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."

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Subject: Dating.
B'reishis- in the beginning
Noach lech- Noach went
Vayayroh Chayay Soroh- and he saw Chaya Soroh
Toldos- he checked out the yichus
Vayaitzay- and they went out
Vayishlach- they didn't like each other so they sent each other away
Vayaishev- the shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.
Mikaitz- in the end.
Vayigash- they got close
Vay'chi- they lived happily ever after.

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Subject: Saddam's Stepson.
10 Top Pe