Subject: Welcome to America. Fresh from Europe, a Jew sees another Jew reading the
Yiddish paper on a park bench, on the Sabbath, smoking a cigar.
"America is wonderful," he says. "Here even the goyim can read Yiddish!"
Subject: What are Arabs? A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."
The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"
Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several violent Muslim extremists of Arab extraction destroyed the buildings."
The boy thought about that for a minute and then asked his father:
"Daddy, what are Arabs?"
Subject: Yiddish Paper. Rabbi Mordechai Schleppman was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils.
So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when little Saul handed in a poor paper.
"This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the rabbi. "It has to many mistakes I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."
"One person didn't," replied Saul defensively. "My father helped me."
Subject: New York in 2032. A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son: To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers.
The son looks at his father and asked: Dad, what are the Twin Towers?
Father says: My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United States, but approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings.
The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:
Daddy what are Arabs?
Subject: Afghanistan. Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process.
When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.
"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"
Subject: Y'all Got Them? A spaceship lands in the middle of Texas.
As the Martians start filing out, a big Texan walks up to the one who looks like the leader.
He asks the Martian, "Y'all got them green eyes?"
The Martian answers back in a machine-like drone, "Yes, we all have green eyes."
The Texan again inquires, "and y'all go those antennay on yo' head?"
"Yes we all have antennae on our heads."
The Texan is still curious, as he looks as more of the Martians, he again asks the leader, "Y'all got them long black coats?"
To which the Martian says, "No, only the Hasidim."
Subject: 120. When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.
The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, ...."Anyone who's 99."
Subject: Rules for Jewish Living. 1 Never take a front-row seat at a bris
2 If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish
3 The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana
4 And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5 A good kugel sinks in mercury
6 Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre
7 Guilt is critical to your existence
8 One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired
9 Never leave a restaurant empty-handed
10 The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side-of-the-street parking is suspended
11 A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight
12 Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13 According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants, on Sundays
14 If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear
15 No meal is complete without leftovers
16 If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid
17 The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall
18 It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job
19 After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's
20 Non jews leave and never say good-bye Jews say good-bye and never leave
21 Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia
22 If you don't eat it, it will kill me
23 Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times
24 Next year in Jerusalem The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25 Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Florida
26 Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon
AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
27 There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an adult
This usually happens around age 45.
Subject: Florida Rabbi. In a large Florida city, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah, but he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon.
So he decided to hire a Shabbos goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbos goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.
Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi.
The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial in-sermon-ation.
Subject: Answering Machine. "A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, dial 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
Subject: Muppet Dictator. It has been known for quite some time that Yasser Arafat is not human at all, but actually a muppet created by the late Jim Henson. As no one would want to be the leader of the PLO, the U.S. Government enlisted the help of Henson Studios to create a "muppet dictator."
The rumor must be true, because we never see Arafat in an interview from the waist down, and when we do, he is sitting in an overstuffed chair the right size to hide a puppeteer.
Subject: Jesus at The Pearly Gates. Jesus was standing in for St Peter at the Pearly Gates when an old man shuffles up. Jesus goes through the standard entry procedures:
"Name?" says Jesus.
"Joseph" says the old man.
"Occupation?" asks Jesus
"Carpenter" replied the old man.
"Family - Any children?" continues Jesus.
"I once had a son" answers the man.
"Describe him" says Jesus
"Well", said the old man, "He was a bit strange and childlike - and he had nails in his hands and feet".
Jesus looked closely at the old man who peered back at Jesus and asked: "Pinnochio?"
Subject: Arafat. Arafat has gotten paranoid about his health lately, and has ordered his doctors to give him every test known to medical science to make sure he doesn't have some terminal disease. After a long while, they tell him he has been tested for everything they have ever heard of, but he doesn't believe them. So, knowing how good the Jews are in health care, he sends his secret police to go spy on the Jewish communities for a while to see what kinds of tests they run on their own people.
The security chief finally reports back: "Well, there's one in particular that the Jews seem to think is very important - it's called an IQ test."
Immediately Arafat arranges to have himself tested, and is very relieved when they tell him that the results were negative.
Subject: Last Breath. A Russian Jew fell off the river bank into the water. Since he could not swim, he was in danger of drowning.
Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed to the river bank. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed at him and began to walk off.
"Help, I can't swim," shouted the Jew.
"Then drown," one replied.
Suddenly the Jew shouts with his last breath: "Down with the Tsar!"
The policemen immediately rushed into the water, pulled the Jew on to the bank, and arrested him for sedition.
Subject: The Arab Criminal. An Arab is caught red-handed stealing onions. He is given a choice between paying the equivalent of a hundred dollars, receiving a hundred lashes, or eating a hundred onions. He chooses the onions, of course, but after only a few of them, he can't stand the tears anymore and begs for the lashings. But that too proves to be too much after a dozen or so, and then asks for the fine.
Upon returning home, he tells his wife: "I really cheated them this time. I ate only a few onions, received a number of lashes, and ... delayed paying the fine as much as I could."
Subject: Shainer Panim. A grandmother and her cute little granddaughter went to the mall.
While shopping, they became separated. Security saw the sobbing little girl and asked her name. She responded, "Shana-Punam-Kenahorah-Poo- Poo-Poo."
The security person asked the child again for her name.
She said, again, "My name is Shana-Punam-Kenahorah-Poo-Poo-Poo." So he announced over the PA that he has a cute brown eyed, brown haired little girl who has lost her grandma ---please come to the InformationCenter to claim, "Shana-Punam-Kenahorah-Poo-Poo-Poo." Ten grandmas came running to claim her!!!
Subject: The Injured Bureaucrat. A civil servant is badly hurt falling down the stairs of the Ministry of Absorption in Jerusalem.
He is taken to Hadassah hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.
Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him:
"My friend, I have for you some bad news and some good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again..."
"Nu," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "And what's the bad news?"
Subject: Irish Jew. A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.
A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says, "Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and he asks me riddles!"
Subject: Rabbi's Letter. A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word:
The next Friday night he announced,
"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But, this week, I received a letter from someone who signed his name and forgot to write a letter."
Subject: Long Hair. A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
Subject: Surgery. A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
Subject: Thirty years later. There were three men, who when they came off of the ship from Europe in the early 1920's and as they were going their seperate ways, all agreed to meet up again Thirty Years later to see how they all turned out.
1950's: All three men showed up at the now-dilapadated port.
The first one, Sam Goldstein said, "ven I came to America, I vasn't sure vat I vas going to do, so I looked at my name, and I saw 'Gold'. So I invested in Gold, and boy did I make a fortune!"
The second one, Herbert Silverstein said, "ven I came to America, I too vasnt sure vat I vould do, like Sammy, I looked at my name, but I didn't see Gold, I saw 'Silver', so I invested in Silver, and boy did I make it big!"
The first two then looked at the third man and said, "nu Schneider, vat about you? Vat did you do ven you came to America?"
Schmele replied saying, "in Europe, I vas a Tailor, and I vas a very, very good one. After 3 days open in Manhattan and no business coming, I turned to God and I said 'God, if you make me successful, I will make you a partner with me'"
The first two looked at the third and said, "So, vat happened?"
Schmele responded, "You never heard of Lord & Tailor?"
Subject: Harry Potter Gematria. I've done some interesting gematria, which I wanted to share.
If you assign the number 1 for A, the number 2 for B, etc., the gematria for Harry Potter comes out to 164.
If you then add 613 for the taryag mitzvot, you get 777.
Then subtract out seven for the sheva mitzvos b'nei Noach, and you get 770.
This is a clear indication that J.K. Rowling believes that the Rebbe is Moshiach. Therefore, anyone who does not believe that the Rebbe is Moshiach should not be reading Harry Potter books.
Subject: Arafat's decision. U. N. officials have hailed Yasser Arafat's decision to convert to Judaism as a major step in bringing peace to the Middle East.
In Israel, government offices were swamped beyond capacity by applicants volunteering to be the moyel.
Subject: Check please! An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a very expensive restaurant for dinner one night. Finally, the waiter came over and asked, "Who should I give the check to?"
The Italian guy said, "Give it to me. I'll take care of everything." "Fine," said the waiter.
The next day the headlines read: 'Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death'
Subject: Jewish Volunteers. So a car full of ladies from the Temple Beth Israel fund raising committee is in a terrible accident. They arrive at the Pearly Gates where Saint Peter is waiting.
The women want to get into Heaven, so Saint Peter looks through the book, but can't find them listed in the New Arrivals section.
"I'm sorry," Saint Peter says to them, "but I can't find you in the book, there must be some mistake."
With that, he sends them down to Hell. A week later, God asks Saint Peter, "What happened to those Jewish ladies who were supposed to be here?"
"You mean the ones from Temple Beth Israel?" Saint Peter asks. "I didn't see them listed, so I sent them to Hell."
"You what?" God asks outraged, "I wanted them here. If you want to keep your job Saint Peter, you better call Satan and get them back up here ASAP."
St. Peter gets on the phone and calls Hell. Satan answers. St. Peter, "Satan you know those Jewish ladies I sent down there last week? Well I really need them up here. Could you please send them back?"
"No way," Satan replies. "They're here two days and they've already raised $100,000 for an air conditioning system."
Subject: Bin Laden and Arafat. Osama Bin Laden meets Arafat.
He asks him to explain how come they whilst both are terrorists - everyone is out to capture and kill him (Bin Laden) - while you still manage to be friends with most of the world's leaders?
"That's very simple; I only kill Jews!"
Subject: Mea Culpa. Following the latest atrocity in Jerusalem, the Secretary Powell pleaded with the Palestinians to issue some form of denunciation. Arafat complained that only the Palestinian side is ever required to denounce terror. Predictably, the Palestinian denunciation later mumbles that they "deplore the murder of civilians on both sides."
Perhaps the Palestinians have a point, and so to set the record straight, I do hereby denounce the following in the name of the Jewish People:
1. All Jewish suicide bombers who have ever acted against Arabs.
2. All Arab buses blown up by Jews.
3. All Arab pizza parlors, malls, discotheques and restaurants destroyed by Jewish terrorists.
4. All airplanes hijacked by Jews since 1903.
5. All Ramadan feasts targeted by Jewish bombs.
6. All Arabs lynched in Israeli cities; all Arab Olympic athletes murdered by Jews; all Arab embassies bombed by Jews.
7. All mosques, cemeteries and religious schools fire bombed or desecrated by Jews in North Africa, France, Belgium, Germany, England or any other country.
8. The destruction of American military, governmental and civilian institutions in Kenya, Pakistan, Iran, Saudi Arabia and Yemen - along with the murder of U.S. Marines and diplomatic personnel.
9. All Jewish school books which claim that Arabs poison wells, use Christian blood to bake pita, control world finance, and murdered Jesus; or that Arab elders meet secretly to plot a world takeover.
10. And I am particularly ashamed at the way my fellow Jews attacked the World Trade Center, Pentagon and civilian aircraft on September 11, and danced in the streets to celebrate the act.
Prof. Stephen Berger Tel Aviv Medical Center.
Subject: A Rosen By Any Other Name. Los Angeles had a desert version of the Catskills called Murietta Hot Springs with mud baths and water that smelled like rotten eggs. When you would have a phone call it was a very big deal because it was long distance and the clerk would call you on the loud speaker "Telephone call for Abe Gitlin" etc. One day everyone was surprised by an announcement:
"Telphone call for Shane Ferguson"
"Telphone call for Shane Ferguson"
Several people went to the front desk to get a look at Shane Ferguson and were even more curious when an old Jewish gentleman responded to the paging.
After his call, one of the budinskies asked the man how he came to be named Shane Ferguson. Shane replied that his name in the old country was Mottle Rosenschwieg.
"My uncle, who was in America 10 years before me, told me to tell immigration that my name was Morris Rose. I practiced saying my new name for the entire trip on the boat. I asked the American sailors to say it for me and learned to pronounce it. I was standing in line at the immigration for two hours, worrying about everything, when the officer finally asked me my name, I said 'schane fergessen' (I forgot already)
So that's what the immigration man wrote."
Subject: Bacon tree. When America was being settled, a group of people headed West in a wagon train. Their inexperienced leader soon became lost. They were getting desperate when they came over a hill and saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
The leader rushed to the old Jew and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Can you help us?"
The old Jew said, "Mister, all I know is dis. If you go up dat there hill und down other side, I guarantee de'll be a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie?"
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge, so the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
"Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake."
"It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"
Subject: A Jewish Redneck? How Can You Tell If You Are A Jewish Redneck?
1) You think a Hora is a high priced call girl.
2) You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.
3) Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
4) instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.
5) You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
6) You think "KKK" is a symbol for really kosher.
7) You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish law.
8) You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
9) when someone shouts L'chaim you respond L'howdy.
10) You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special occasion.
Subject: Flight Attendant. A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, well she doesn't work for Delta.
A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what do you want from my life?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "ahhh . . . El - Al"
Those of you who fly el-al will be able to appreciate this more...........
Subject: Top Ten Signs. Top Ten Signs Your Lubavitcher Teen Is In Trouble.
10. Sometimes gets out of bed on shabbos before 9 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without sheitels or snoods.
8. Shows up at farbrangens in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Menachem Mendel, but he goes by "M Square Daddy"
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese -- OU, but not cholov yisroel.
1. He's wearing his black hat backwards.
Subject: In the Tzar's time. After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish, because this is, after all, a Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ah? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are here in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband, which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What is the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the university.
At this point, the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir," answered the startled passenger. But how is it that you know my name? "Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."
Subject: Gefilte fish. Gefilte fish is really prepared from European carp that infest our waterways. It is prepared by placing a housebrick in the bottom of a saucepan. On top of the brick you put the carp. You add water to just cover the carp. You bring this to the boil and gently simmer until the housebrick turns to jelly.
Then you throw away the carp and the water and voila: gefilte fish.
Subject: About those Cohens. A client walked into the law firm of Cohen, Cohen, Cohen,and Cohen. He said to a clerk behind the counter "I would like to speak to Mr. Cohen."
"I'm sorry, but the founder of the firm is deceased."
"OK, let me speak to Mr. Cohen"
"Mr. Cohen isn't taking new clients."
"OK, let me speak to Mr. Cohen."
"Mr, Cohen is in court today."
"Nu, so let me speak to Mr. Cohen already."
Subject: On a plane. On a plane, headed for Dallas-Fort Worth, two boisterous Texans are sitting in the aisle and window seats, with an old Jewish man between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place 'The Jolly Roger.'"
The second Texan says, "Well, you can call me John. I own 2 million acres, with 5000 head of cattle. Folks call my place Big Johns."
They both look expectantly at the old Jewish man who finally offers, "My name is Irving Mendelbaum, and I own, I think, 500 acres. Maybe a little less."
Roger looks down at him and says, "500 Acres? What the hell can you raise on 500 acres?"
"Feh! I don't raise noting", replies Irving.
"Well, then, what do you call it?" asked John.
"Oy, what should I call it?" replies Irving. "I guess, Downtown Dallas."
Subject: Looking for a shidduch?? A young lady visited a shadchan, hoping for the best.
She said to the shadchan, "I'm looking for a spouse. Could you please help me to find someone suitable?"
"Certainly," said the shadchan. "What are your requirements?"
"Well," she explained, "He needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours if I don't go out. And I want him to tell me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation, but to be silent when I want to rest."
The shadchan listened carefully.
Then he smiled and said, "I understand exactly what you need. You need a good television!"
Subject: The Meshuggene. Morris Cohen was a patient in a mental institution and he argued long and hard that he must be served only kosher food.
Finally, sick of arguing with him and unable to avoid the extra work and expense, the director of the institution acquiesed and for much expense he had kosher meals specially prepared daily.
Some time later, on the Sabbath, the director was strolling around the grounds, when he came upon Cohen sitting in a chair and smoking a cigar.
"Wait a minute, Cohen," he said. "I thought you were so religious that we had to bring in special food for you. And now you are smoking on the Sabbath!! What a hypocrite!!!"
"But doctor," Cohen replied. "Did you forget? I'm meshuggah."
Subject: Lunch. In the middle of lunch, Mrs. Slotnick is interrupted by a committee of workmen who report that her husband has just been badly wounded on the job and is in critical condition at the hospital.
She does not say a word and continues eating.
They say again, "Do you hear what we are telling you, Mrs. Slotnick? Your husband was hurt and he is in critical condition!"
"Gentlemen," she says, "I heard absolutely every word. And as soon as I finish this soup, you are going to hear such a scream!"
Subject: Two Men. The story is told of two men visiting New York City for the first time who come across two Jews wearing long black coats, wide-brimmed hats, with long beards and payos (earlocks).
One man turns to the other and says, "What's that?" The second man replies, "Hassidem."
The first man responds, "I see them, too -- but, what are they?"
Subject: A Man Named Joseph. The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa.
The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father.
He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer.
In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."
Subject: Two Towels. When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
Subject: Out to lunch. Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.
"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, demmit, I'm serious!"
Subject: Palestinian virus warning. A new virus has been detected that you may want to take precautions against. Be careful, if you try to solve this virus problem, you will be castigated in the media and by the UN. This is the Palestinian Virus - a virus that settles in your PC, claims it was there before your PC was built or Bill Gates was born, then demands parts of your hard drive.
If you want the virus to leave you and your PC alone, you can try to give the virus the hard drive space it wants, but it will refuse the deal and start killing data on your computer.
Some people have suggested a solution for this virus problem is to give the virus its own PC. As stated above, this virus has been known to refuse the offer. Other nearby PCs wont take the virus either, even if the virus is compatible with the other computers. The virus seams to want nothing less than to take over your entire computer and with the removal and destruction of all your data.
Software based anti-virus solutions have been proposed, but so far only hardware solutions have had any impact. The only solution we have been able to determine that may work is physical removal of the virus from your computer. The only problem with this solution is all the other computers will object.
Subject: Yizkor. A man comes into the shul to ask the rebbe for help. His wife is in labor and it is taking a long time for the baby to come out and he doesn't know what to do. As it happens, the rebbe is not there that day but his young son is sitting next to place where the rebbe usually sits. After hearing the man's problem, the rebbe's son tells the man to go home and say Yizkor and then everything will be alright. Sure enough, the man goes home and davens Yizkor and then his wife gives birth shortly afterwards.
The next day he goes back to the shul and thanks the rebbe profusely for his son's help.
After the man leaves, the rebbe turns to his son and tells him, "Shmerrill, I'm very impressed that you knew what to tell this man to do so his wife would give birth. But tell me, why did you tell him to say Yizkor?"
The son replies, "Because before we daven Yizkor we always say 'Children go out!'"
Subject: Palestinian Comedy Awards. The 1st Annual Palestinian Comedy Awards.
by Martin M. Bodek
Funniest Denial of Religious Tenets - King Abdullah's wife is the only known arab who walks around with her hair uncovered and her arms bare. The other 4 bajillion arab women gracing the planet have to cover body parts even the Amish leave exposed, but Mrs. Abdullah freely bares more skin than Britney Spears. Her Yasser award comes completely covered up with a burka. The statue manufacturers are clever like that.
Funniest Use of American Merchandise - In one of the various pictures of Palestinian rock-throwers (AKA Children-put-in-the-line-of-fire-to-create-photo-ops-for-propaganda), you can clearly see one such imbecile wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey. Last time I checked, most nations that conflict politically with each other will often boycott their products. Strangely, the Palestinians do not. Look closely next time you see a picture of rock throwers, you will not only see American football jerseys, but GAP and Banana Republic are visible as well. The little Yasser that Palestinian gets will be wearing a Jean Paul Gaultier sweater.
Funniest Quote From an American Movie - Saeb Erakat, who negotiates with Israelis by calling them aggressors and provokers (Imagine a baseball agent calling an owner that while trying to negotiate a contract for his client) was on "Meet the Press." He described the situation in The Middle East by saying, and I quote (Obviously, because I'm going to surround it by quotes), "Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." Recognize that quote? It's Yoda! The Palestinians are quoting "Star Wars" to explain themselves! Can you believe this? I can't, so Saeb gets a well deserved Yasser with funny Yoda ears on it.
Funniest Excuse for Revenge - Hamas screams for vengeance any time one of their fold accidentally blows himself up while building a bomb. This is like um, this is sorta like uh, well, it's like vowing vengeance for someone who accidentally blows himself up!!! There's nothing else to compare this stupidity to! What incredible nonsense! Hamas's Yasser award will come in several little pieces.
Funniest Complaint Against House Arrest - Ariel Sharon told Yasser Arafat to go to his room and stay there till he could prove he could play well with others. Arafat complained that it wasn't fair because he couldn't go to Bethlehem for Christmas. Sharon looked into Arafat's background and discovered that he is a Muslim, who as we know, consider Jews and Christians infidels. Sharon said this was a stupid excuse and made Arafat stay in his room longer until he could come up with a better reason. The "Kafiyeh" on the little Yasser will be replaced with a dunce cap.
Funniest Accent - King Abdullah. This guy is Jordanian, but talks like a Brit. What's going on here? He acts like an extra in "Enemy at the Gates." Anybody see this movie? It was about the Russian sniper that turned the tide of WW2 for the Soviet army. Thing is, every Russian in the movie spoke with a British accent. Curious. This guy Abdullah's got the same accent problem. The etching on the bottom of his little Yasser will come with subtitles.
Funniest Negotiator - Jesse Jackson is doing his best to make nice between Israel and the Palestinians. This is a guy who called Boro Park "Hymietown," then "accidentally" fathered an illegitimate child (What, was he standing really, REALLY close to a total stranger?), which qualified him to give emotional support for Bill Clinton's yen for zaftig women and cigars (Sometimes combining the two). One thing I give him credit for though, he's got a cool voice, and he was funny on Saturday Night Live reading "Green Eggs and Ham." His Yasser will have a little halo on it.
Funniest Comeback to Ouster Demand - President Bush specifically said that Yasser Arafat had to go, and new leadership had to take over. Arafat promptly responded with "He wasn't referring to me." ("What? Me? Guilty?") Oh? How many Yasser Arafats ARE there that President Bush could possibly be referring to? His ongoing stupidity is officially rewarded by having the Palestinian Comedy Awards statue created in his image.
Funniest Refugee Problem -
Arab countries: 21
Total land: 5.3 million square miles
Total percentage of Middle Eastern land: 99.875%
Population: 300 Million
Arab politicians: filthy stinking rich
600,000 Arab refugees: homeless
Israeli countries: 1
Total land: 8,000 square miles
Total percentage of Middle Eastern land: 0.125%
Population: 6 million
600,000 Arab refugees: Not their @#$%ing problem
Subject: One Dollar. A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."
Subject: Noah's Ark. Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with G- d, there's always a rainbow waiting.
Subject: An Elephant. Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant for just one hundred dollars."
Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"
"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk."
"But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it in."
But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore."
"Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?"
"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra."
Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"
Subject: Funny People. Funny people, the Europeans, my paternal grandfather used to joke. When he left it in 1937, there was graffiti on the walls everywhere: "Jews, go to Palestine".
And now when I visit a European capital, the graffiti says "Jews, get out of Palestine".
Have they no memory, the Europeans?
Subject: Jewish Organization. Top 10 ways to know you work at a Jewish Organization.
10. When you wear a headband you hear people whisper "is that her hair, or is it a fall?" after you walk past them.
9. You spill your lunch all over yourself and your cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV."
8. There is a shamos box in the copy room.
7. People notice how many times per week you order in lunch, whom you order with, what exactly you're eating, and how much it cost.
6. The "director of human resources" tries to set you up on dates with 35 year old men who live in Queens.
5. The soda-pop cans that are supposedly for every one in the organization are always under lock and key in a special fridge.
4. You have to (get to) shout in hebrew on the phone.
3. At least 4 people in your office are related to each other.
2. The only non-jews around the place work in the accounting department.
1. your salary reminds you of this lovely liturgical quote from the beginning of musaf: "ve kol me she oskim be tzarchei tizbur be emounah" HAKADOSH BARUCH HU YESHALEM!
Subject: Love Your Goats. One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes. First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you." The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's." The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair! Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I want you to give me a wife even more beautiful than Pierre's." The genie snapped his fingers, and a beautiful woman appeared. The Frenchman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Chicago, where he saw a sad-eyed American. The genie asked him what he wanted most in life. The American answered, "My cousin Marty has the most beautiful sports car you ever saw, but I don't have a car at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful car and not me? I want you to give me a sports car even nicer than Marty's." The genie snapped his fingers, and a deluxe Maserati appeared. The American was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Tokyo, where he saw a sad-looking Japanese man. He asked the man what he wanted most. The Japanese man said, "My cousin Kenji has a high- paying job with the biggest corporation in Japan, and I can't find a job at all. It's not fair! I'm as good as he is. Why should HE have such a great job and not me? I want you to give me a job even better than Kenji's." The genie snapped his fingers, and it was done.
Finally, the genie went to the Middle East, where he saw a sad-looking Arab. He asked the Arab what he wanted most in life. The Arab answerd, "My cousin Abdul has the most beautiful flock of goats you ever saw, while I don't have any goats at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is. Why should HE have such beautiful goats and not me?" The genie smiled and said, "So, you want a beautiful flock of your own?" The Arab snarled, "Of course not, you idiot! I want you to kill all of Abdul's goats!"
Subject: "Kach no es bincho..." One of our older baalei batim keeps repeating - He has strong taanos (kaveyochel) to Avrohom Ovinu.
Because when Hashem told him (before the akeideh) "Kach no es bincho...", AO should not have asked all those questions about 'which son?' - as per Rashi.
Rather he should have grabbed Yishmoel and 'opgeshochten oifen platz'.
This would have saved Klall yisroel from a lot of tsores - ad hayom hazeh...
Subject: Conversion. Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish.
As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000."
"$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?"
"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
Subject: Chelm Hatzolo Medical Terms. Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Subject: You know you grew up Jewish when... You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls pot roast "brisket."
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You've had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.
You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.
You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
Your mother once smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenahurra!
You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
You have at least six male relatives named David.
You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie, but Barbara Streisand embarrasses you to no end.
Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
You thought whitefish salad and lox were the quintessential party foods.
Subject: Shul pick up Lines. Dov Wasserman firstname.lastname@example.org. 1. Pray here often?
2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.
3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but I've been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.
4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.
5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?
6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.
7. Since we're in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?
8. The rabbi's sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?
9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?
10. Don't let my tallis-bag fool you -- I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.
11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.
12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.
13. Whenever I see you, I think of the shammes, also known as the sexton.
14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you...complete...me.
15. You had me at Adon (Olam).
16. Like an incoherent chazzan, I'd like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
17. I think I've lost my page number. Can I have yours?
18. Won't you bimah, bimah baby tonight.
19. I may bless God that "He did not make me a woman", but I'm sure glad He made you one!
20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the women's section all morning...
21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what you've been praying for?
22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbor's property. I sure hope you live across town!
23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, you're a 10!
24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?
Subject: The Priest and The Rabbi. The Priest met his friend, the Rabbi, and says to him "You have taught me many things but there is one thing in particular I want to learn very much but you do not wish to teach it to me. I want you to teach me the Talmud."
The Rabbi replied: "You are a Non-Jew and you have the brain of a Non-Jew. There is no chance that you will succeed in understanding the Talmud."
But the Priest continued in his attempt to persuade the Rabbi to teach him the Talmud.
Finally, the Rabbi agreed.
The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
I agree to teach you the Talmud on condition that you answer one question.
The Priest agreed and asked the Rabbi "What is the Question?"
The Rabbi then said to the Priest:
"Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean."
"Who of those two goes to wash up."
"Very Simple," replied the Priest. "The one who is dirty goes to wash up but the one who is clean does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then said to the Priest: "I told that that you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud."
"The exact opposite happened." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks that he is also dirty goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "This I did not think of. Ask me, please another question."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "Two men fall down through the chimney. One comes out dirty and the other comes out clean." "Who of these two goes to wash up?"
The Priest then says to the Rabbi: "Very simple." "The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he is also dirty and goes to wash up. The dirty one, on the other hand, looks at the clean one and thinks that he is also clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "You are wrong again." "I told you that you will not understand." "The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean and, therefore, does not go to wash up. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty and goes to wash up."
The Priest complains to the Rabbi "But you did not tell me that that there is a mirror there."
The Rabbi then tells the Priest: "I told you. You are a Non-Jew, with your brain you will not succeed in understanding the Talmud.
According to the Talmud, you have to think of all the possibilities."
"Alright," groaning, said the Priest to the Rabbi. "Let us try once more. Ask me one more question."
For the last time, said the Rabbi to the Priest.
"Two men fall through the chimney. One came came out dirty and the other came out clean. Who of these two went to wash up?"
That is very simple! replied the Priest. "If there is no mirror there the clean one will look at the dirty one and will think that he is also dirty and will, therefore, go to wash up.
The dirty one will look at the clean one and will think that he is also clean, and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
If there is a mirror there, the clean one will look into the mirror and will, therefore, not go to wash up.
The dirty one will look into the mirror and will see that he is dirty and will, therefore go to wash up."
The Rabbi then says to the Priest: "I told that you will not succeed in understanding."
"You are a Non-Jew, you have a Non-Jewish Brain."
"Tell me: How is it possible for two men to fall through a chimney and for one to come out dirty and for the other to come out clean?"
Subject: Hershele Ostropoler. One day Hershele was traveling, and he stopped for the night at an inn. The place was deserted: there were no other guests, and even the innkeeper was away, leaving his wife in charge.
"I'm dying of hunger," Hershele told her. "Please give me something to eat."
The innkeeper's wife took a good look at her guest, and she didn't like what she saw. Hershele was unkempt, his coat was torn, and he looked altogether unsavory.
This fellow will never be able to pay the bill, she thought. "I'm sorry, sir," she said to Hershele, "but we're all out of food tonight."
Hershele shook his head and said nothing. Then he looked straight ahead and said to the woman, "In that case, I'm going to have to do what my father did."
Immediately the woman grew frightened. "What did your father do?" she asked.
"My father," Hershele replied, "did what he had to do."
Hearing this, the woman grew even more frightened. Who knew what kind of father this mad had? And she alone in the house! Perhaps his father was a thief, murderer, or worse.
"Just a minute, sir," she said, and soon returned with a full plate of chicken, kishke, fish, and black bread.
Hershele devoured it all, as the woman looked on in amazement. When he finished, he told her, "Lady, that was a wonderful meal, the best I've tasted since last Passover."
Seeing that her guest was finally relaxed and satisfied, the innkeeper's wife dared to ask the question that had been burning in her all evening. "Good sir," she said, "please tell me, what was it that your father did?"
"My father?" said Hershele. "Oh yes, my father. You see, whenever my father couldn't get anything to eat -- he went to bed hungry."
Subject: The Bush. George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff.
He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and said, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing.
Again George W asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"
Again the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word.
George W tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man.
He continued to stare at the ceiling.
One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem and George W said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him 3 times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet."
To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied, "I can hear you and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."
Subject: Rothchild and the pauper. Lord Rothchild was dying from a serious illness. A poor Jew comes and tells him that he has the cure.
"What is it"? Asks Rothchild.
"It is simple," says the poor man. "Move to our community and I'm sure you will recuperate."
"How are you so sure?"
"Because no rich man ever died in our part of town," says the poor man.
Subject: Eruv. Two guys have been learning together for 20 years. One of them is going to make a bar mitzvah so he says to the other one, "I am making a bar mitzvah and I would like you to come."
"I'm sorry, I can't."
"But I really want you to come."
"You don't understand. I just can't come."
"But why can't you come?"
"I'm not Jewish."
"What do you mean? We have been learning together for 20 years." "I enjoy the intellectual stimulation." "But we learned that a goy that keeps Shabbos is 'chayav mitvos.'" "I never kept Shabbos. Every time I was ready to leave my house, I put a key in my pocket."
"But we have an eruv here."
"I don't hold from that eruv."
Subject: The Value Of Offspring. Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Rachel says, "No children? ... and no grand kids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"
Subject: A gangster. A Jewish gangster escapes from a shootout with the police and staggers in to his mothers apartment on the lower East Side. Near death and with a gaping wound in his chest, he gasps, "Ma, I've been shot."
"Oy. Eat first," his mother says, "Later, we'll talk."
Subject: Citizenship Papers. Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam applying for his citizenship papers.
He was asked to spell "cultivate" - he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence.
He brightened up and said, "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."
Subject: Are you satisfied? A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B'nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay, I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat!!"
Subject: The Root of Jewish Eating Disorders. Rosh Hashanah: Feast
Tzom Gedalia: Fast
Yom Kippur: More fasting
Hoshanah Rabbah: More feasting
Simchat Torah: Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan: No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah: Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet: Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat: Feast
Fast of Esther: Fast
Purim: Eat pastry
Passover: Do not eat pastry
Shavu'ot: Feast on dairy (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz: Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tisha B'Av: Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul: End of cycle. Enrol in Centre for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again
Subject: 23RD Psalm for a Jewish Princess. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my checkbook
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Target
I shall not go in, for Thou art with me
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.
Subject: Abe 'n' Zelda. A recently retired rich couple from New York City, Abe and Zelda Rabinowitz, now living in Boca Raton, Florida were getting ready to go out to dinner. Zelda came out of the bedroom and said Abe, "Darling, do you want me to wear this Channel suit or the Gucci one?"
"Do I care?" he replied.
A few minutes later Zelda, again, came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe, shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
"Who cares?" said Abe.
A few more minutes passed and, again, Zelda came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe darling, shall I wear my five carat pear diamond ring or my six carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"
To which Abe responded, "Hey, I really don't care, but if you don't get your rear in gear, we're going to miss the earlybird special."
Subject: When Times Get Tough. Jerry, a non-observant Jew, was telling his troubles to his friend Dave. "My son graduated high school and traveled across Europe to find himself. He ended up in Israel and started studying in a yeshiva. Now he keeps kosher, won't go anywhere on Saturdays, and wears his fringes out in public. He is an embarrassment to me in front of my friends." Dave agreed that Jerry was in a tough predicament.
Sometime later the two hooked up again and Dave asked Jerry if things were any better. "Better?!" said Jerry. "They have gotten much worse. My daughter also ended up studying in a Jewish seminary, and now she is engaged to marry a Hasid! Could things get any worse than that?" "That really is tough", replied Dave. He thought for a moment and said "Maybe you should check your mezuzahs?"
Subject: The Restaurant. A Likud party member, a Labor party member, and a member of the Histadrut (Worker's Union) are seated seperately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in; unbeknownst to any of them, it is the earthly form of the angel Michael.
The Likudnik summons the waitress and asks her to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab; the waitress does so.
The Labor party member asks the waitress to please serve the poor man iced tea and put it on his tab. The waitress does so.
The Histadrut member asks the waitress to please serve the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and put it on his tab. Again, the waitress does so.
When Michael is finished eating, he goes over to the Likud man and says, "I was hungry, and you gave me what to eat. Thank you. I see that you are blind." He touches the man's eyes, and his blindness is healed.
Michael then goes up to the Labor man and says, "I was thirsty, and you gave me what to drink. Thank you. I see that you have a lame leg." He touches the man's leg, and it is healed.
Michael then approaches the Histadrut member.
Suddenly the Histadrut man moves away quickly and shouts, "Don't touch me! Stay away! I'm on a hundred percent disability!"
Subject: The Guest. A Gabbai approaches a guest in the Shul and says "I want to give you an Aliyah."
"What is your name," he asks the man?
The man answers, "Sara bas Moshe."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."
The man says, "It is Sara bas Moshe."
The Gabbai asks, "How can that be your name?"
The man answers "I've been having serious financial problems, so everything is in my wife's name."
Subject: Non-Jewish Jokes. All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some gentile jokes:
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500."
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says; "Just great! Thanks for asking!"
Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My son is a truck driver!"
A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
Subject: Dating. B'reishis- in the beginning
Noach lech- Noach went
Vayayroh Chayay Soroh- and he saw Chaya Soroh
Toldos- he checked out the yichus
Vayaitzay- and they went out
Vayishlach- they didn't like each other so they sent each other away
Vayaishev- the shadchan intervened and they returned to each other.
Mikaitz- in the end.
Vayigash- they got close
Vay'chi- they lived happily ever after.
Subject: Saddam's Stepson. 10 Top Perks Being Saddam's Stepson.
10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel
9. People never refer to you as "The crazy one in the family"
8. On weekends, you get to bring home weapons of mass destruction
7. Don't want to clean your room? Threaten to tell the United States dad's exact location
6. Play your cards right and in 10 years you'll be torturing the Iraqi people
5. Unique chance to observe a tyrannical madman up close
4. Big inheritance when U.S. troops finally kill your stepfather
3. Father-son bonding over 3am prank calls to U.N. weapons inspectors
2. You can get first pick of the police auction's seized and repossessed camels
1. Get to call Bin Laden "Uncle Osama"
Subject: Good Logic. An elderly Jewish man has just moved to a new town, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor. In the waiting room at the surgery, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor.
He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist. The man replies that the doctor specializes in everything. The Jewish man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive. The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand dollars for your first visit." The Jewish man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand dollars?" The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The Jewish man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor. On entering the doctor's office he says casually, "Hello doctor, here I am again!"
Subject: Jewish Santa. Santa Claus was on duty working a Department Store. A little girl sits on his lap and says, "I would like a new doll for Christmas,"
"I will add that to my list," replies Santa. "In the meantime, take a gift from the box."
A little boy climbs on Santa's lap and says, "I want a remote car for Christmas."
Santa replies, "I will add it to the list... meanwhile, take a gift from the box."
Then a little boy climbs on Santa's lap and says, "I'm Jewish, and I am not allowed to ask for anything from Santa,"
Santa points to the gift box and whispers in the boy's ear, "Nem tzvay."(take two)
The boy then shouts out "Mama, come quick, er redt Yiddish!"
Subject: Gross Justice. A self-destructive Arab homicide bomber went to the next world. He found himself in a room with 72 lovely maidens- and also 72 crotchety old hags.
"Allah", he cried, "what is this?"
He heard a voice boom: "A promise is a promise but in case you had a hava mina that I approve of your act, here are your 72 shviggers!"
Subject: Mohammed in France. Little Mohammed went off to school on his first day of living in his new home in France. The teacher told him his name would no longer be Mohammed, but Michel, since he lived in France now.
He went home and told his mother, who beat him mercilessly and screamed at him that his name would always be Mohammed. Then she told his father, who continued to beat him and berate him, telling him his name was not Michel!
Poor little Mohammed went back to school the next day, where his teacher asked him in great dismay what had happened to him. Mohammed said, "See, I've been French for two days, and I've already gotten beaten up by two Arabs."
Subject: Leon Blum. Leon Blum, the former Socialist Premier of France, once met David Ben Gurion. He introduced himself this way, "I had better tell you right away, Mr. Ben Gurion, that I am a humanist first, a socialist second, and only then a Jew. Whenever I write my name, that is what I believe."
Ben Gurion replied with a smile, "Never mind, we Jews read from right to left anyway!"
Subject: Former Soviet Union.Leon Blum.Mohammed in France.Gross Justice.Jewish Santa.Good Logic.Saddam's Stepson.Dating.Non-Jewish Jokes. A Soviet dissident is found studying Jewish materials and is taken by the KGB. His interrogation went as follows:
KGB: Why were you studying Hebrew?
Man: I hope one day to leave here and go to Israel
KGB: (yelling) WELL YOU WON'T!! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!! WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!!!
Man: Well, then I will need the holy language to converse with the angels
KGB: (beside himself) YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HEAVEN!!! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!!!
Man: (relieved) Oh good. Russian I already know.
Subject: Arafat Free! Jerusalem - Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat, who had been confined to the West Bank city of Ramallah for three months and survived repeated Israeli attacks on his headquarters, was informed by Israel on Monday that he was now free to roam about the country.
In making the announcement, Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suggested Arafat get out and take some fresh air, preferably by himself, and within range of Israeli troops. "It would also help if he stood still," Sharon added.
Subject: A Street Full of Tailors. There was a little street in the center of town with just five shops in it. Each and every shop was a tailor's shop, except for one, which was empty.
The first shop was called McAlisters tailor shop, and carried a sign saying "Finest tailor in the town." The second shop was called Kelly's Tailor shop and its sign read "Finest tailor in the district." Next door was "Ching's Tailor shop" and its sign read "Finest tailor in the land." The fourth shop was called "Mainwarings tailors" and had a very large sign claiming to be "The finest tailors in the world."
So it happened that little Sol Ginsberg took a lease on the empty shop and called it "Ginsberg's - the finest tailor in the street!"
Subject: Are You Jewish? A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"
The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."
After a little while she again queries him, "You're really Jewish, aren't you?"
Again he responds, "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."
Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"
To which in exasperation, and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, "Okay. Yes, ma'am, I am Jewish."
"Funny," she says, looking puzzled, "you don't look Jewish!"
Subject: Talmud Class. The Rabbi in my son's Talmud class was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up. He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and, without realizing it, he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the rabbi said "Goldberg, translate and explain,"
Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today."
"All right," said the rabbi. "You translate and explain."
Subject: Arab in DC. An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well."
Subject: Bethlehem. What would have happened if three wise jewish women had gone to Bethlehem instead of three wise men?
They would have asked directions.
Arrived on time.
Helped deliver the baby.
Hired someone to clean the stable.
Made a brisket.
And brought practical gifts.
And what would they have said to each other after they left? "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that schmatta?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin? I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?"
"I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job."
"And that donkey they are riding has seen better days!"
"We'll just see how long it will take to get your brisket dish back."
Top Ten Perks Of Being Saddam Hussein's Stepson.
10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel.
9. People never refer to you as "The crazy one in the family".
8. On weekends, you get to bring home weapons of mass destruction.
7. Don't want to clean your room? Threaten to tell the United States dad's exact location.
6. Play your cards right and in 10 years you'll be torturing the Iraqi people.
5. Unique chance to observe a tyrannical madman up close.
4. Big inheritance when U.S. troops finally kill your stepfather.
3. Father-son bonding over 3am prank calls to U.N. weapons inspectors.
2. You can get first pick of the police auction's seized and repossessed camels.
1. Get to call Bin Laden "Uncle Osama".
Subject: The Ultimate Wedding Guest. A man goes to a large catering hall on Long Island. He enters the hall and takes in the sites, 1000 people enjoying themselves, fressing, drinking, music, etc...
Just then a man approaches him and says "Glad you could make it here!! Which side are you on, the Kallahs or the Chossens??" (Bride or Groom).
He replied "The Kallahs side".
The man instantly shouted, "GET OUT OF HERE!"
"Why, what's wrong?" replied the newly arrived guest.
The man answered, "This is a Bar Mitzvah!!!"
Subject: Personal Advice. A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop."
"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blind."
He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.
"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."
"Tanks, again, Miss. " he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett?"
"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that should be a problem."
Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.
"Vit gladness. All the help you got I vill take." he answered.
"Lose the Jewish accent." she replied. "You're Chinese."
Subject: Arabic TV Guide. SUNDAY:
8:00 - My 33 Sons
8:30 - Osama Knows Best
9:00 - I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 - Let's Mecca Deal
10:00 - The Kabul Hillbillies
8:00 - Husseinfeld
9:00 - Mad About Everything
9:30 - Monday Night Stoning
10:00 - Win Bin Laden's Money
10:30 - Allah McBeal
8:00 - Wheel of Terror
8:30 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
9:00 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer
8:00 - Beat the Press
8:30 - When Kurds Attack
9:00 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
9:30 - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Veilwatch
8:00 - Fatima Loves Chachi
8:30 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30 - Married with 139 Children
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News
8:00 - Judge Saddam
8:30 - Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:30 - Cave and Garden Television
10:00 - No-Witness News
8:00 - Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 - Teletalibans
9:30 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
Subject: Mummy. An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Subject: Cultural History. On a Greyhound bus headed who knows where, three strangers meet and start conversing about the recent worldly events. The strangers were of varying cultures. One was Native American. Another was a cowboy from somewhere out West. The other person was a devout Muslim. During their conversation, they began to discuss their cultural history.
The Native American stated "once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim then chimed in and said, "Once my people were few and now we are many."
The cowboy looked at the Muslim and said with a sly grin, "that's cause we ain't played 'Cowboys and Muslims' yet."
Subject: Dog in Shul. A man walks into Shul with a dog. The Rabbi immediately goes over to the gentleman and demands that he remove the dog from the Shul. "Wait a minute rabbi you don't understand, this is my special dog Chaim." The rabbi replies, "I don't care, you cannot have a dog in Shul, please remove the dog immediately".
Rather than continue to argue with the rabbi, the man looks toward the dog and says, "Chaim go get a tallis." The dog promptly walks to the back of the Shul, picks up a tallis, puts it on and walks back to his master. The Rabbi is amazed and asks if the dog can do anything else. The man says, "Sure, Chaim go get a siddur." Chaim promptly goes to the back of the Shul and gets a siddur. The Rabbi is stupefied, "Can he do more?" The man replies, "Can he do more, watch this. Chaim say Shema." and the dog promptly recites the entire Shema.
The Rabbi was flabbergasted, "You know you could make a fortune with that dog!!" "You're telling me", replied the man, "believe me I know ,but all he wants to do is sit and learn!!"
Subject: Psychiatrist. "I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come.
Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding. "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
Subject: Floating. Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally, about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
Subject: The Resume. Jewish Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons.
One Mother, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."
Subject: The Next Prime Minister. Top ten reasons Arafat should be next prime minister of Israel.
10) World famous personality.
9) 1994 Nobel peace prize winner.
8) He fought in all of Israel's wars.
7) He won't draft the ultra religious to the army.
6) Has the respect of the European community.
5) Is not afraid to mix diplomacy with "other methods".
4) On good terms with premiers of all neighboring countries.
3) His government doesn't have problems passing a budget.
2) Doesn't compromise on important issues.
And the number one reason....
1) He will never, ever, split or divide Jerusalem.
Subject: What time is it? Jack and Sam are having a conversation.
Jack asks Sam what time it is. Sam answers him and asks Jack why he doesn't have a watch.
Jack answers that he doesn't need one since he could always ask someone else for the time.
"But, what do you do if you get up during the night and you want to know what time it is", asks Sam.
"I have a shofar." answers Jack.
"A shofar? How's that going to help?", asks Sam.
"Simple", answers Jack. "I just open the window and start blowing. Soon the neighbors start yelling. Are You crazy, at 3:00 O'clock in the morning!"
Subject: News flash. A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Lebanon this afternoon.
350,000 Lebanese have died and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help.
The rest of the world is in shock; Canada is sending troops to assist the country, Europe is sending food and money, and Australia is sending 350,000 replacement Lebanese.
Subject: Chandelier. Old Rabbi Wolfson had begged his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down, sullen and hopeless in his ambition.
Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time talkin'?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it.
And third, what we need in the shul is more light!"
Subject: Rashi. Rashi and his wife were getting ready to go out.
Rashi's wife comes into the room, and Rashi sees her and says, "I think you might want to try the blue dress -- it might look a bit nicer."
His wife answers, "Do you have to comment on everything!?"
Subject: Three men. Three men are sittin' on a bench. One's a texan wearing a stetson, one's a muslim wearing a turban, and the last an apache with an eagle Feather woven in his hair.
The indian is rather glum and says "once my people were many, but now we are few."
The muslim puffs up and says "once my people were few, but now we are many millions."
The texan adjusts his hat, finishes rolling a smoke, leans back in his chair and drawls, "that's cause we ain't played cowboys and muslims yet."
Subject: Religious Nuts. A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Subject: Jewish astronaut's Sabbath. Two astronauts who land on a dark and forelorn planet. They're not sure if there's enough oxygen in the atmosphere to support life so one takes out a pack of matches.
As he's about to strike the match, this funny looking green creature pops out from behind a rock waves its hands furiously and screams "SHABBES! SHABBES!"
Subject: Martians. A spaceship lands in the middle of Texas.
As the Martians start filing out, a big Texan walks up to the one who looks like the leader.
He asks the Martian, "Y'all got them green eyes?"
The Martian answers back in a machine-like drone, "Yes, we all have green eyes."
The Texan again inquires, "and y'all go those antennay on yo' head?"
"Yes we all have antennae on our heads."
The Texan is still curious, as he looks as more of the Martians, he again asks the leader, "Y'all got them long black coats?"
To which the Martian says, "No, only the Hasidim."
Subject: The Shidduch Date. After being with his shidduch date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Subject: Zen Judaism. Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.
The Torah says, "Love they neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So maybe you're off the hook.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But first, a little nosh.
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Subject: The Air Raid. The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed down the stairs toward the safety of the basement. Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not followed her down. "Come on, Sidney," she yelled.
"Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my teeth!"
"Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What do you think they're dropping... pastrami sandwiches?"
Subject: Jewish Organization. from www.bangitout.com. Top ways you know you work at a Jewish Organization.
When you wear a headband you hear people whisper "is that her hair, or is it a fall?" after you walk past them.
You spill your lunch all over yourself and your cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV."
There is a shaimos box in the copy room.
People notice how many times per week you order in lunch, whom you order with, what exactly you're eating, and how much it cost.
The "director of human resources" tries to set you up on dates with 35 year old men who live in Queens.
The soda-pop cans that are supposedly for every one in the organization are always under lock and key in a "special fridge."
You have to (get to) shout in hebrew on the phone.
At least 4 people in your office are related to each other.
Your salary reminds you of this lovely liturgical quote from the beginning of musaf: "ve'kol mee she'oskim b'tzarchei tizbur be'emounah???" HAKADOSH BARUCH HU YESHALEM!
You can leave your wallet out in plain sight and never have it stolen but don't even think of leaving your lunch unattended.
All inter-office emails end with Tizku L'Mitzvos.
Your high school schedule of early dismissal on short Fridays, short short Fridays and Rosh Chodesh Fridays actually applies at work too.
"Mincha!" yelled out at approximately the same decibel-level as "Fire!"
Friday afternoon is eerily quiet after 1PM.
Half the staff came from or is related to someone at IDT.
What's a Holiday Bonus?!?
Your doorman greets you in Yiddish every morning.
The office fridge is stocked with New Square milk.
Board members ask if you are "touchable," then rumple your hair anyway if you say no.
You constantly see your coworkers socially, and not on purpose.
All office events are catered by the same kosher restaurant over and over again, until you never want to eat, smell or think about their food again.
You have off on Jewish Holidays, Legal Holidays, Christian Holdays,African Holidays, Canadian Holdiays, Calendar Holdays...
No two pieces of office furniture match.
Anytime there is food left out for people, there is usually a sign saying, "Not Kosher".
Women who take maternity leave never come back.
On Sukkos, there is a lulav and esrog in the conference room with a sheet on how to fulfil the mitzva.
Boro Park and Monsey girls make up the IT dept., working to make money so they can have enough to soon B"H support a kollel husband.
Israeli news stations can be heard from people's computers.
Subject: Top Ten Kohain Gadol Pet Peeves. from www.bangitout.com. 10. Still no temple parking spot reserved for Kohain Gadol
9. Two Words: "Ephod Rash"
8. No cell phone reception in desert Tabernacle
7. Constantly getting confused for KKK Grand Dragon
6. Had to take blood bath in Initial Public "Offering"
5. Small bells on garment ruin daily "Hide N' Go Seek" Altar Game
4. Urim V'tumim won't pick lotto numbers
3. Wearing enough purple to be in a Prince Video
2. Mikvah prune hands
1. Ain't no "Dress Down Fridays" in the Kodosh Kedoshim.
Subject: One night on the phone. A man in London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266418.
A short time later, someone knocks, and when he opens the door he sees 2 beautiful and sexy girls who asked him: "Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?"
Subject: The Collar. An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father".
The Jewish man thought a second and responded. "Sir, I am also a Father, but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the father for many."
The Jewish man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe it's your pants you should wear backwards."
Subject: Good news and bad news. There is the story of a rabbi who got up on the bima one Saturday morning and announced to his congregation:
"I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
Subject: Top Ten Jewish Superheroes. from www.bangitout.com. 10. Engagement Girl - With the power of her diamond ring, she suddenly doesn't have to be nice anymore
9. Rabbi Doctor, Doctor Rabbi -His split personality allows this super rabbi to sneak in and out of modern society undetected
8. Supershmuck - In New York City, he's seemingly everywhere.
7. Apikores Boy - The trusty sidekick of most ivy league Jewish philosophy professors
6. Dr. Toofrum - He has the unknowing power of being condescending in any conversation
5. Minyan girl - She has suddenly been given the powers to lain and daven, but no one has a clue of the source for her powers.
4. Fleish Gordon - Meaty Chulent is what gives him his speed! Vegitarian = kryptonite
3. Z'Man - Instills the power of being precise about exactly when you can light candles
2. The Incredible Hock- His utility belt consists of 100 useless keys, 3 beepers, a walkie-talkie and a magnet bencher/tefillat Ha derech. If something is wrong, his hocker senses (beeper) starts vibrating.
1. The Shmorg - He can manage sushi, roast beef, Chinese food and pareve ice cream all on one plate
Subject: Jewish jokes. One guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..." Right away, his friend interrupts him,
"Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So, he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."
Subject: How are you? A man calls his mother and asks, "How are you?"
"Not too good," she says. "I'm feeling very weak." the son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 23 days."
The man says "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?"
The mother answers, "because I didn't want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"
Subject: Atlantic City. Naomi went to Atlantic City for the first time ever and decided to play roulette. She asked someone at the table the best way to pick a number.
He suggested putting her money on her age. So, she put ten chips on the number 28. When the number 34 came up, she fainted.
Subject: Driving. A rabbi is driving down a small side street, and suddenly his car hits another head-on. He gets out of his car and walks over to the other one to make sure nobody was hurt. He discovers that the other driver, who was unharmed, is a priest. The two clergymen start talking and agree that it is a miracle that neither one was hurt. It must be a sign from God.
The rabbi's eyes light up, and he returns to his car. He rejoins the priest, carrying a bottle in his hands.
The rabbi tells the priest that it must also be a sign from God that he happened to have a bottle of wine in his car. They should have a drink of thanksgiving. The priest heartily agrees. The rabbi pours two cups of wine. The priest drinks it down in a single gulp, but the rabbi doesn't touch his. The priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Aren't you going to drink, too?" The rabbi responds, "No...I think I'll wait for the highway patrol."
Subject: Daughter-in-law. Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbor. "Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o'clock every single morning! My poor son, who wakes up at the crack of dawn has to make his own breakfast.
The house she won't clean; she made my son get her a maid so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. Then, when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, he has to make dinner because she can't be bothered even with that!"
The neighbor sighs and asks, "Nu...and how is your daughter?"
"Oh, now my daughter has an absolute gem of a husband. He insists she pamper herself by sleeping late in the morning; he hired help so she shouldn't have to work so hard, and he even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of dinner!"
Subject: The Greenvale Country Club. Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all. First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher. Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street [New York Jewish] accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street. Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Greenvale Country Club...
Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, né Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.
The chairman said, "Please state your name."
In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."
"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"
"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."
The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 144
Subject: To bury my wife. Sadly, slowly, Duved Krekman entered the headquarters of the Lantsmon's Philanthropic League. He trudged into the office of the Executive Secretary and sighed, "Glaser, I'm here." He sat down. "I have to make arrangements for the League to bury my wife."
"Krekman!" exclaimed Mr. Glaser. "Don't you remember? We buried your darling wife two years ago!"
Mr. Krekman nodded. "I remember, I remember. That was my first wife. I'm here about my second."
"Second? Mazel tov! I didn't know you remarried." from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 211
Subject: A baby Girl. Larry Barvess asked a patriarch in the synagogue: "Maybe you can advise me. My wife just gave birth to a girl--" "Mazel tov!""Thank you. Can we name her for a relative?" "According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother..."
"But they are all alive," said Barvess.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry."
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 211
Subject: Cash "Hello, Rabbi Korkuff?"
"This is John Reilly, deputy director of the Manhattan branch of the Internal Revenue Service. I'm calling about a member of your congregation, Samuel J. Prischoff, who is in the real-estate business."
Mr. Prischoff has claimed a five-thousand-dollar deduction on his tax return. He says he contributed that amount, in cash, to your temple.
"Mr. Reilly," said the rabbi, "if you call back tomorrow, the answer, I assure you--will be 'Yes.'"
from Hooray for Yiddish: A Book About English, by Leo Rosten, Simon and Schuster, 1982, p. 265
Subject: Coma. Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
"When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what?"
"What dear?", she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck."
Subject: Donations. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations. The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...
Subject: The Rabbi & the egg. A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put a egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued......" and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
Subject: Funny, you don't look... A Jewish Australian went to a Conference in China. While there, he decided that he would like to attend a Synagogue, to see how Jews in China worship. He inquired and in due course found one. He sat down among the worshippers, all of them Chinese in appearance. The service was conducted by a Rabbi who also was Chinese in appearance. At the end of the service which was generally familiar to the Australian visitor, the Rabbi walked up to him and asked: "Please forgive my asking, but exactly why are you here?" The Australian man was a bit taken a back but answered: "Oh, I am Jewish, and I wanted to see how Chinese Jews worship, that is why I am here."
Strange that, said the Rabbi. You don't look Jewish.
Subject: High Holiday Seating. High Holiday Seating Application
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible:
I wish to be placed in a seat next to someone who wishes to discuss the following topics:
I wish to be seated in a seat where
I can see my spouse over the mechitza
I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
I can see my friends spouse over the mechitza
My spouse cannot see me seeing my friends spouse over the mechitza
No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
I can sleep during services
I can sleep during the rabbis sermon (additional charge)
I wish to be located next to the following so that I may obtain free professional advise:
Real estate agent
Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:...............
Subject: Service. A pious rabbi passed away and arrived in heaven; he was immediately served a meal of schmaltz herring. Though surprised and a little disappointed at this humble meal, the rabbi said nothing. But later, glimpsing into the Other Place, he noticed that people there were eating bagels and lox, toast, and eggs.
For the next meal the rabbi was again served a plate of schmaltz herring, only this time it was accompanied by a glass of tea. After the meal, the rabbi looked again at the Other Place, and noticed that the people there were feasting on blintzes, soup, sour cream, and berries.
For supper an angel came and brought the rabbi another plate of schmaltz herring and a glass of tea. Later, he looked at the Other Place, where he noticed that the people were eating steak and turkey, and drinking fine wine.
Finally, the rabbi could not control himself, and he turned to the angel and said, "I don't understand it. This is supposed to be heaven, but all I get to eat is schmaltz herring. But in the Other Place, I see that they eat like kings."
The angel gave an uneasy smile and replied, "I know. But to tell you the truth, it doesn't pay to cook for just two people."
Subject: Golf. The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to lay.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
Subject: Travelling. An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent.
"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"
The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter.
You will both fall in love and you will want to get married.
Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
Subject: Jews in Space. The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked up the capsule.
The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience."
The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?" He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!"
The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"
The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"
Subject: Shabbat. [Jews are not only not allowed to conduct business on Shabbat, we are not even supposed to talk about it...]
Yosef and Gidon meet in the synagogue one Shabbat morning.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I'm selling my car.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but how much are you asking for it?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but $3000.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I'll give you $2000 for it.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but let me think about it.
They meet again in the synagogue Shabbat afternoon.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but did you think about my offer?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat, but I already sold it.
Subject: Brisket. A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner.
Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure.....this is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "
So, she phones the grandmother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.
The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says. "You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket." Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great grandmother in the nursing home.
"You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?" "I don't know why you do it" says the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"
Subject: Sidney. Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
'Tillie', he told me. 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes.
After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket for him.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'.
At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring.
"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"
Subject: The Post Office. Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"