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Harry's Jokes might contain adult language.
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Subject: Who deserves the Afikomen?
Wouldn't you think that the person who plans,
The person who changes the pots and the pans,
The person who suffers the elbowing crowd,
And brings home the matzoh meal, bloody and bowed,
Who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,
And races the clock to those Passover dates,
Who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs,
And goes around muttering "nobody cares",
Who fixes charoset and karpos and eggs,
And winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs,
Wouldn't you think when the matzoh is hid,
SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid???

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Subject: Wine.
Chelm (the city where everyone was equal; the fools were smart and the wise were foolish), had its very own wine maker. We'll call him Yankel. Naturally, most of his yearly income came before Pesach, when Jews would buy a lot of wine. One day before Pesach, Yankel opened a fresh barrel and noticed that it was half empty.
How could wine be missing from a newly-opened barrel? He thought and thought, but couldn't figure it out. Finally, he called his wife and told her about this puzzle. "Perhaps you can solve the mystery," he said.
After a quick inspection, she pointed to the bottom of the barrel and exclaimed, "Yankel, look there is a small hole here. This is why there is wine missing!"
Yankel carefully inspected the hole, examined the wine in the barrel and looked at the hole again. "That's the silliest thing I have ever heard! How could the hole be the culprit?" he said confidently. "Look, the hole is at the bottom of the barrel and the wine is missing at the top!"

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Subject: Holy Moses.
Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with a water hazard.
Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water.
"I don't understand," he said. "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"
Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results.
"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across," Moses said.
Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green.
"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.
A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replied, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

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Subject: Who deserves the Afikomen?Wine.Holy Moses.Scientists.
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

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Subject: Ventriloquist.
A Jewish fellow and a Scotsman enter a bar with a slew of their friends. Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill.
"I'll Pay!" shouts the Scotsman and, with a scowl, coughs up.
The next day, the headline in the newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley."

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Subject: Jews in China.
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

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Subject: Steaks.
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
Fillet minyan.

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Subject: The Jewish Laws of Television.
Author's Preface: This book must not be used as a guide to practical Halochoh. I am not a qualified posek. I failed my CPA exam. I do not even have a driver's license. The sole purpose of this work is to provide a basic understanding of the halochic issues relating to owning and using the television, and to convince my father-in-law that it was worth supporting me in kollel for the last 23 years. All halochic questions should be brought to a reader's local, qualified machmir. I want to acknowledge my gratitude to Hashem Yisborach, to my wife Chashie, to my children Bini, Pini, Minnie, Mashie, Bashie, Rashie, Ushi, Chushi and Harold. And to the one who instilled in me the love of television, Captain Kangaroo.
I. Definition of Television
A. The Halochoh defines television as any instrument which receives an audio and video signal, with a screen to display the video transmission and a speaker to amplify the sound. According to Rav Hai Gaon, an electrical supply is part of the definition of television (a so-called Hai-Definition television).
B. The Urim V'Tumim is believed to have resembled a television, though it appears to have lacked a remote.
C. The Medrash says that Odom Harishon knew everything, obviously including how to invent a television.
D. In the days of Moshiach, everyone who wants a television will own one, there will be no commercials, and all weather forecasts will be accurate.
II. Owning a Television
A. It is an Issur D'Oraisa to own a television according to most authorities. Some say it is an Issur D'Rabbonon. All agree that owning a television involves almost as many Issurim as speaking Loshon Hora.
B. Owning a television that is broken is permitted, provided the insides have been removed, replaced with potting soil, and the television is used as a planter. A Ba'al Nefesh will refrain from this practice.
C. One who borrows a television for more than thirty days is considered as one who owns it, even if it is later returned. Any loan of a television is canceled at the Yovel, along with magical objects, under the principle of Shemitos Keshafim. This principle will not apply on New Years' Day to a television tuned to the Pros Bowl.
III. Getting Benefit (Hano'oh) from Television
A. It is prohibited to derive benefit from television. Don't even think about it.
IV. The Laws of B'rochos
A. It is required to recite a Shehechiyonu on a new television, some say at the time of purchase, some say at the time of watching it for the first time, some say at the first time of watching an entertaining and popular program that is not interrupted every five minutes by annoying commercials featuring furry animals, cute children or a talking carton of milk.
B. When hearing a B'rocho recited on television, one should respond "Omen," although this does not fulfill an obligation. When the B'rocho is recited by a Goyische actor with a lousy Hebrew accent, one should snicker derisively.
V. The Laws of Kashrus
A. One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait six hours before watching a dairy advertisement. However, if the advertisement appears in between two non-dairy advertisements, it is considered Bottel B'Rov, unless the ad includes Tommy Lasorda or Tommy Lee Jones (in which case it is Nosen Tom).
B. After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may watch an advertisement for Hagen-Dazs, but only if the reception is fuzzy.
C. One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on television, unless one has just brushed one's teeth. An intervening toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.
D. It is forbidden to derive Hano'oh from an advertisement for Bosor B'Cholov, such as a ch-seburger. When such an advertisement begins, one should immediately cover one's face, turn off the television and recite some Tehillim.
VI. The Laws of Tefiloh
A. It is forbidden to postpone prayer in order to watch a program on television. However, if one is already engaged in watching a program, in Eretz Yisroel you may delay prayer until the program is finished, while in Chutz Lo'Oretz you may delay until the first commercial.
B. It is permitted to Daven B'Yechidus in order to catch one's favorite sitcom, but only on Thursday nights.
C. When one's television is broken, one should pray for its speedy repair. It is permissible to engage in Hishtadlus and call a repairman. In the event the repairman actually shows up, it is proper to recite the B'rocho of She'Osoh Nissim.
VII. Talking During Television Watching
A. It is forbidden to engage in idle talk during a television program, because it would be a Hefsaik (interruption). If the speech is related to the watching (e.g. "Please pass the remote," or "Doesn't Kathie Lee Gifford make you nauseous?"), no Hefsaik occurs. Nevertheless, it is preferable to refrain from any speech, especially if the person sitting next to you threatens to "punch your lights out" if you say another word.
B. During commercials, conversation is not considered a Hefsaik. Nevertheless, one who is able to refrain from talking during commercials should do so. The story is told about the mother of a famous Gadol who was asked why she merited to give birth to a Torah giant. She said, "I never disturbed my husband during commercials, and I never paid retail."
VIII.The Laws of Shabbos
A. Before Shabbos one should unplug the television and cover it with a velvet Challoh cover, Li'Kovod Shabbos. There is a dispute whether it is required that the Challoh cover be encased in plastic.
B. If a young child accidentally turns on a television during Shabbos (Rochmonoh Lotzlon), it is vital to respond without causing additional Chilul Shabbos. The following things should be done (in order of preferability.
1. If there is an Eruv, move yourself and your family into a neighbor's house for the duration of Shabbos.
2. If there is no Eruv, one must avoid looking at the television, even unintentionally. Men should tip their hat brim over their eyes. Women should tip their sheitel forward over their eyes. Children should wrap long strips of cloth over their eyes.
3. If this is not possible, one should seek out a Gentile and indirectly ask him if there is anything good to watch on Friday nights.
IX. The Laws of Paisach
A. It is very difficult to clean a television for Paisach because of all the little holes in the back of the set. Therefore, many authorities require that one throw out one's televisions before Paisach and buy new ones for Paisach.
B. According to R. Blumenkrantz, a television should be cleaned for Paisach as follows. First, remove the back of the television by unscrewing the screws under the sticker that warns against removing the back of the television. Then clean each instrument with an ammonia-based cleaner. Finally, to eliminate the Chometz absorbed when the television gets hot, the entire television set should be immersed in boiling hot water (Hagoloh). R. Blumenkrantz recommends unplugging the television first.

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Subject: VIRILITY.
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

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Subject: G-d and the Golfer.
The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms.
One Yom Kippur, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services."
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.
Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, "Look how terrible - a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a Rabbi beside!" G-d replied, "Watch, I'm going to teach him a lesson."
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened of a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"
"Sure", said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?"

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Subject: Arafat.
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:
"You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

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Subject: Israeli Personals.

ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76. c:\navhmi\data\global.sig
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
our place or mine? Divorced man, 42 with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object ..macaroni, POB 77
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658

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Subject: Madame.
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

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Subject: A man walks onto an Airplane.
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation.
He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is *crazed* with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
"And what will you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues desperately.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, the Native American man is. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, but actually men of Jewish descent make the best lovers". "Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you!
What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.
Tonto Goldstein."

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Subject: Sufferin' Suckatash!
A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."

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Subject: The Great Debate
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky.
So they finally picked an old man named Moishe, who had spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had the least to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one condition to the debate. Not being used to speaking very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity."
"He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that Jesus absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!
"What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

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Subject: Brachos.
What bracha do you say when you sit down on a piece of gum?
Lei-shev bazooka.

What do you call an artificial sacrifice?
A korbon copy.

What can you do on Friday night if you've forgotten to buy anything for lechem mishna?
Turn to the door and say "Bo-i challa, bo-i challa."

What do you say when the challa comes in?
Shalom Ha-Lechem.

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Subject: Chevra Kadisha.
Head of the chevra kadisha hears someone banging on his door in the middle of the night.
"Come quickly! My wife just died!!!"
"Calm down, get a grip on yourself! Your wife's been dead for 2 years!"
"No, no, my SECOND wife! I've remarried."
"You remarried? I didn't know! Mazel tov!"

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Subject: The Jewish Cowboy.
A Jewish man passing thru Texas for a few day stay on business checked into a rooming house in a very what you would call a frontier town.
Not to be conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and went in to the only saloon in town.
He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six shooters and looking very gruff.
He ordered a beer.
While sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible the biggest burliest, scroungiest looking specimen walks in and proclaims, "Ah hears there is a Jew in here!"
The Jewish man cringes, says nothing.
"Ah know you're in here and you better speak up," says the western man.
The Jewish man knows that sooner or later he would have to face up to him and accept the consequences of being Jewish especially in such a remote place as this.
He stands up proudly and says," I AM A JEW!"
The westerner stares at him angrily, "What the HELL are you hiding for? Come with me, ah needs you for a minyan."

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Subject: Windows.
1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt".
2. "Y2K" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis".
9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".
10. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
11. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".
13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!".
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

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Subject: Jewish Jeopardy.

A: Midrash
Q: What is a middle east skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dancer?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony & a latke.
Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

A: Bablyon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: Kishka, sukkah & Circumcision.
Q: Name a gut, a hut and a cut?

A: Tzitzit.
Q: Name a disease carrying Mediterranean fly.

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Subject: Sleeping Arrangements.
A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

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Subject: The Donation Checks.
A local Rabbi was dissatisfied with the small amount in the contribution account at the bank. Someone (The synagogue Treasurer no doubt) suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the sanctuary is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 10 times Chai in their checks to the synagogue charity account."
So the very next Saturday, the Rabbi did as suggested, and lo and behold the collections were full of 10 times Chai ($180.00) checks. Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Saturday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the floor of the "bema" with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.

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Subject: The Old Man.
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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Subject: In debt.
Cohen had been in business for many years and his business was going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. So he went to his Rabbi to seek advice. He told the Rabbi about all of his problems in business and asked the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi said "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and knew immediately what he had to do.
Three months later the man and his family came back to see the Rabbi. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in beautiful silk. The man handed the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wants to donate this money to the temple in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi was delighted. He recognizes the man and asked him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11."

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Subject: A sefirat ha'omer joke.
A rabbi comes home from a hard day's work at the shul. She asks her husband, "Nu, what's for dinner?"
He says "Yesterday we had chicken."

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Subject: Why moshiach may be late this year.
For immediate release
Messiah Delay Expected--Y2K problem cited
Disappointing news out of Jerusalem today--delay predicted in the coming of the Messiah. A spokesman for God blamed software problems arising from Y2K bug as the source of the delay.
Recently, Heaven has been preparing for a launch of the Messianic Era. In a bit of bad luck, the selected time, Tishrei 5761, is also 2000 CE, and subject to the infamous Y2K problem. "We just didn't realize how pervasive this problem was" God said yesterday. "We thought Y2K was a just Gematriah thing. Who knew?"
The Y2K bug brought down three of Heaven's main servers and God's personal laptop during a full-up dress rehearsal simulation of the anticipated Messianic times. Heaven's spokesman would not discuss the servers for security reasons, but did mention that God uses an IBM ThinkPad, running Microsoft WorldPerfect 7 under Windows NT. Requests for comment from Microsoft went unanswered. "These computers are really a mixed blessing," God said. "I don't like to say it, but you know, 'Darned if you do, darned if you don't.'"
Heaven is waiting for a software patch from Microsoft to resolve the problem. The spokesman for Heaven said Microsoft would not promise a date for the fix."I can tell you for a fact that Bill Gates is not the Messiah,"God commented. "But as of now, he's the only one who can bring him."
For more continuing coverage of the issue, check out the website:
   www.messiah.come
About the Software, WorldPerfect 7:
Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are even relevant "upstairs." Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based systems to computers. The following are excepts from a recent interview with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing was the way to go."In the olden days, you only had to track 613 mitzvot per Jew. No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees, minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer. "Our first piece of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc--you know, for the Das operating system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully integrated world processor,WorldPerfect 7.
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here--so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand--how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system....

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Subject: Disney Store.
Disney plans to open a store which will cater to the needs of the burgeoning Jewish population. Among the useful items for purchase will be:
Talis in Wonderland (folds fast if you're late)
Tinkerbell Tefillin (clap if you believe in Hashem!)
Minnie Kippah (also available in mini-Minnie sizes)
Little Mermaid Mezuzah (plays "Kiss the Girl")
Sleeping Beauty Sheytl (blonde only)
Tigger Tichel (orange with black stripes)
Peter Pans (milchig and fleishig cookware)
Bambi Blech (will not burn venison)
Robin Hood Pushka (takes from the rich gives to the poor) (formerly known as "101 Donations")
Aladdin Kiddush Cup (drink up and you'll be flying)
Pete's Dragon Havdalah Candle (his mouth blows fire!)
Pinocchio Yahrtzeit Candle (his nose grows shorter)
Mary Poppins Spice Box (holds a spoonful of sugar)
Hunchback of Notre Dame Shofar (curved like a real Hunchback)
Old Yeller lulav and etrog set (lulav old, etrog yeller)
Seven Dwarfs Menorah (eighth night not included)
Dumbo Dreidels (they fly!)
Beauty and the Beast Megillah (comes with Goofy gragger)
Cinderella Seder Plate (must be used by midnight)
Jewish Geography Game: "It's a Small World"
Jiminy Cricket's Book of Halacha: "Always Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide"
Wedding Prints Developed ("Some day my prints will come")

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Subject: Minyan.
I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned that the eleventh is just as vital. This really happened.
When the eleventh entered, someone said, "Thank goodness." The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already."
The other speaker said, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the room and go to the bathroom!"

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Subject: IRS.
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."

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Subject: Indian (long - but nice).
In the early 1800's this old Jewish merchant had to go to Omaha on business. He presented himself to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket to Omaha?"
The clerk responded, "$5.00."
"Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't got $5.00. I only got $2.00, so dere!"
"Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2.00, so forget it!" said the clerk.
"Liss'n, I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput'n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?"
"I'll tell you what I can do," said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2.00 and you could ride shotgun."
"Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said the old man.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't never shot no Indians," replied the merchant.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2.00 and get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So the old merchant climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie. About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said the old Jewish merchant.
"How far away is he?" asked the driver.
"How could I know dis?" asked the old guy. The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him he's too far away. Wait 'til he gets closer."
Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?"
"Yep, I still see 'em." Again the old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, and said, "He looks dis big, should I shoot 'em yet?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "He's still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well, this same continued every few hours for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still saw the Indian, the old guy demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now you can shoot 'em!"
The old man hesitated and then said, "Nah .......... I couldn' shoot'em."
"Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot 'em? ....I've known him ince he was dis big!"

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Subject: The Darkened Theater.
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

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Subject: First Jewish Woman President.
The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her mother "Mama, I've won the election. You've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry. I'll send you a dressmaker."
"But I only eat kosher food."
"Mama, I'm going to be President. I can get you kosher food."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come, mama."
"OK, OK,if it makes you happy."
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.
"You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!"

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Subject: Saving Money.
Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"
"Oy Vey!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20.00!"

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Subject: NINE YEKKES & ONE CHASSID.
At sholoshudos, there were nine yekkes and one chassid sitting at the table and there was only one piece of herring left. Suddenly the lights went out, there was a blood-curdling scream, and when the lights came on, on the plate was one hand with nine forks in it.

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Subject: The Jewish Mother.
A Jewish mother sent her son off to his first day of school with the customary pride and precautionary advice: "So bubeleh, you'll be a good boy and listen to the teacher? And you won't make noise, bubeleh, and you'll be very polite and play nice with the other children. And when it's time to come home, you'll button up warm, so you won't catch cold, bubeleh. And you'll be careful crossing the street and come straight home..." etc. etc. Off the little boy went.
When he returned that afternoon, his mother hugged him and kissed him and exclaimed, "So did you like school, bubeleh? You made new friends? You learned something bubeleh?"
"Yeah." Said the boy. "I learned my name is Irving."

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Subject: Moishe Plotnik.
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

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Subject: Russian War College.
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "Do we have enough Jews?"

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Subject: Jews.
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"
The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about inter-marriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"

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Subject: Ehud Barak.
From David Letterman's top ten list, a salute to the new premier of Israel, Ehud Barak, the Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Ehud Barak:
10. Internet Stock
9. Argyle Sock
8. Barakman Turner Overdrive
7. Furry Ewok
6. Ehuddi Wan Kenobi
5. Chewbaraka
4. Ehuddi and the Barakfish
3. Johan Sebastian Barak
2. Netanyahu Got Rocked
1. Bob Barker

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Subject: Home, Sweet Home.
A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: "Take me quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!"
"Yes," answered the father, "to die it's OK but to live here....!?"

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Subject: An American in Tel Aviv.
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."

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Subject: Shoes.
"Why I moan so much? Because my shoes are a little too small."
"So, why do you wear them?"
"On purpose: my wife is sick, I have great debts, my daughters are unmarried... When I come home, and I take of my shoes, I know what true happiness is."

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Subject: The plaque.
One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"

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Subject: The Tallis and The Cleaners.
Every Monday morning, for the past 25 years, Mr. Goldberg would take his beloved and sacred tallis to Mr. Ginsberg's Dry Cleaners to be pressed and ready for The Sabbath.
Every Friday morning for the past 25 years, Mr.Goldberg would go down to Ginsberg's Dry Cleaners pick up his newly pressed Tallis and pay Mr. Ginsberg $10.00 for the pressing.
One Monday morning, Mr. Goldberg walks in to Ginsberg's Dry Cleaners with his Tallis and sees a whole slew of orientals working behind the counter.
Seeing a stunned and rather shocked look on Mr.Goldberg's face, Mr. Wong approached and explained that he had purchased the dry cleaners from Mr.Ginsberg. Mr. Goldberg then explained to Mr.Wong that for the past 25 years, he has been coming every Monday to drop off his Tallis so that it could be pressed and ready for the Jewish Sabbath on Friday.
Mr. Wong politely explained that absolutely nothing would change and that Mr.Goldberg could continue his weekly routine of having his prayer shawl,his Tallis, pressed and ready for Friday. Furthermore, Mr. Wong assured Mr.Goldberg that he would continue to honor Mr. Ginsberg's charge of $10.00 for the pressing of the Tallis.
Friday quickly approached and Mr. Goldberg arrived at the cleaners to pick up his Tallis. Mr. Wong, the new owner, quickly approached Mr. Goldberg with his pressed Tallis.
"Here is your prayer shawl Mr. Goldberg and that will be $15.00!"
"$15?", shrieked Mr. Goldberg. "You told me on Monday that you were going to continue charging me $10 for the pressing of my Tallis, just like Mr.Ginsberg had been doing for the past 25 years!"
Mr. Wong calmly looked Mr. Goldberg in the eye and replied, "Relax Mr. Goldberg. I charged you $10 for the pressing, as I said I would, and $5.00 to take all those damn knots out!"

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Subject: Jewish Personalities and their real names.
1. Asa Yoelson 1. Al Jolson
2. Milton Berlinger 2. Milton Berle
3. Fanny Borach 3. Fanny Brice
4. Bernard Schwartz 4. Tony Curtis
5. Bobby Zimmerman 5. Bob Dylan
6. Sidney Leibowitz 43. Steve Lawrence
7. Elliot Goldstein 7. Elliot Gould
8. Israel Baline 8. Irving Berlin
9. Soupy Sales 9. Milton Hines
10. Belle Silverman 10. Beverly Sills
11. Betty Joan Perske 11. Lauren Bacall
12. Nathan Birnbaum 12. George Burns
13. David Daniel Kaminsky 13. Danny Kaye
14. Edward Israel Iskowitz 14. Eddie Cantor
15. Benjamin Kubelsky 15. Jack Benny
16. Michael Orowitz 16. Michael Landon
17. Allen Stewart Konigsberg 17. Woody Allen
18. Issue Danielovitch Demsky 18. Kirk Douglas
19. Sophia Kalish 19. Sophie Tucker
20. Joseph Gottleib 20. Joey Bishop
21. Natasha Gurdin 21. Natalie Wood
22. Lyova Geisman 22. Lee Grant
23. Joyce Penelope Frankenburg 23. Jane Seymour
24. Joseph Levitch 24. Jerry Lewis
25. Melvin Kaminsky 25. Mel Brooks
26. Elaine Berlin 26. Elaine May
27. Michael Peschkowsky 27. Mike Nichols
28. Gerald Silberman 28. Gene Wilder
29 Jacob Cohen 29. Rodney Dangerfield
30. Joan Molinsky 30. Joan Rivers
31. Borge Rosenbaum 31. Victor Borge
32. Amos Jacob 32. Lee J. Cobb
33. Lazlo Lowenstein 33. Peter Lorre
34. Emanual Goldenberg 34. Edward G. Robinson
35. Judith Tuvim 35. Judy Holliday
36. Ira Grossel 36. Jeff Chandler
37. Melvyn Hesselberg 37. Melvyn Douglas
38. Ivo Levi 38. Ives Montand
39. Simone-Henriette Kaminker 39. Simone Signoret
40. Marion Levy 40. Paulette Goddard

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Subject: Questions and Answers to Ask the Rabbi.

Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
  A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered as if you are wearing the plane.

Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been stolen?
  A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?

Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an old bubbe?
  A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.

Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
  A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.

Q: According to halacha, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your health?
  A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.

Next week, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money on Chol HaMoed.

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Subject: The three envelopes.
When Benjamin Netanyahu turned over the reins of government to Ehud Barak, the public and political pundits were all quite surprised how short the two of them met to discuss transition issues. In a recent exclusive, it was revealed what Netanyahu discussed with Barak.
It appears that Netanyahu handed Barak three envelopes, each consecutively numbered from 1 to 3. Netanyahu told Barak that Peres had provided him with the same briefing and the same three envelopes, as had prime ministers done from the time Ben Gurion had stepped down.
"When things get tough," said Netanyahu, "open the envelope marked Number 1 and follow the instructions. If things get worse, open the second envelope. And, when things get really impossible, open the third. Do not," emphasized Netanyahu, "open these envelopes under any other circumstances." The envelopes were passed on to a new era of leadership and the two shook hands and took their leaves.
Barak, being an intensely curious and impatient man and one who is frequently up at all hours of the night, became rather curious as to the contents of the envelopes opened the first. He read "Blame your predecessor." His curiosity piqued, Barak opened the second. "Blame the Kneset." He then tore open the third. It read "Prepare three envelopes."

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Subject: A JEWISH CONVERSATION.
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"All right. Monday I'll send the check."

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Subject: The shadchen.
A shadchen, having sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect to see her. The young man took one look at the damsel to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
"What's the matter?" asked the shadchen.
"You said she was young," whispered the young man, "and she's forty if she's a day! You said she was beautiful, and she looks like a duck! You said she was shapely, and she's fat enough for two! You said --"
"You don't have to whisper," said the shadchen. "She's also hard of hearing."

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Subject: The Three Generals.
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three generals.
The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage.
The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics.

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Subject: Kol Nidre.
Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan, got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for." Gottlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"

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Subject: God created the dog...
This is a different order of creation....
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

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Subject: Tashlich.
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:

For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Bread that's fresh
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism,Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.

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Subject: Shabbath Sex.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to the minister...a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work ... my wife would have the maid do it."

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Subject: Shadken.
A shadken goes to see a poor man and says,
"I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."

The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."

Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."

"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."

Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."

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Subject: Top Ten (or 11) Shul Names/Siddur Personalities/Olympic Sports.
10.Cong. Rodeph Nashim
9. Temple Ohev Keseph
8. Agudat Yeshainim
7. Anshei Ploni
6. Ochlei Kishke
5. Temple Sigh Nigh
4. Heichal Hashmoozers
3. Temple Alav Hashalom
2. Temple Manuel (found in Hispanic neighborhoods)
1. C.A.S.H.---Congregation Agudas Shomrey Hadas
1A Chavurath Torah (Oxymoron)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Siddur Personalities
10.Billy Resihis and his cousin, Billy Tachlis
9. Asher Yatzar
8. Moe Dim
7. Jose Shalom
6. Alan Nissim
5. Sue She'arim
4. Roz Sodecha
3. Harvey Chenu
2. Sym Shalom (a really educated davener)
1. Annie Zemiros
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Jewish Olympic Sports
10.100 yard kid-dash
9. Shalshelet Slalom
8. Shacharacing
7. Synchronized shuckling
6. Psukei Dezimrah - Shacharit Chazan relay
5. Hagbah lifting - with the weight on different sides
4. Shat"z Put
3. Esrog juggling
2. Tfillin Winding
1. 20 Meter Mikvah sky dive
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Subject: G-ds Email!
One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. He called an angel and sent him down to Earth.
When he returned he told G-d that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% is bad and 5% is good.
G-d thought a moment and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of view.
When the female angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
G-d thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?....
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No???
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Oh! YOU didn't get one either ?????

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Subject: The true art of conversation!
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."

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Subject: Hagbah!
In their infinite wisdom the gabbaim gave Hagbah to the puniest guy in the Shul. Mit grossener tzooris he manages to complete the act but vows he will never be embarrassed like that again. He goes into a period of training for six months. Push up, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting the whole nine yards.
Six month later he's back in Shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time he picks up the Sefer four blat wide and flips it in the air. While the Torah is spinning he does a somersault and gets on his feet just in time to catch the falling Torah He then turns to the Gabbaim and says, "What do you think of that?"
The Gabbai replies, "Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."

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Subject: Abe and Moshe!
Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money already."
"How can I get into it Moishe?"
"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine. I'll let you have it for $120,000."
Abe agreed and gave Moishe a cheque for $120,000.
Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Umm, things are well, and with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money."
"How is that? It was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "so, I gave him back his $5!"

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Subject: B'rich sh'meh!
Question: What is G-d's first name?
Answer: Murray.
Question: how do you know?
Answer: Because it says Brich Shmei de Murray Almo - Blessed be the name of Murray Almo

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Subject: Yid humor!
A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!"

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Subject: Apartment Hunting!
Ira and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy children. They moved to America from Europe and were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in.
Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large family.
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked Esther to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning, they found a place that was just right.
The landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"
Ira answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!

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Subject: Exclusive Clubs!
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made talleism.
Sure enough, they play 18 holes, go to the steam room and he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name. He replied, "My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer".
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises".
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".

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Subject: The Club.
Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.
Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."
His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!"
Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish." and he leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: "What happened?"
Shloyme says,"Everything was fine until we played hole number eight!
Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds.
I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what'll I do now?'
And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."

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Subject: JAP.
What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
lnside Bloomingdales

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Subject: Y2k Gematria - Kind of Neat!
Last Shabbos was January 1, 2000. The Hebrew date is 23 Tevet, 5760.
Spelled out in Hebrew, it's Yom Chof Gimmel Tevet Sh'nat Tav Shin Samech
The gematria of the above phrase is 2000:

Yom: 56
Chof Gimmel: +23
Tevet: +411
Sh'nat: +750
Tav Shin Samech: +760
________________________________
TOTAL =2000

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Subject: The Rebbe.
The Satmar Rebbe has died. He goes straight up to Gan Eden. He finds a large table surrounded by a great number of long-bearded men studying Gemara, shokeling the whole time.
On the table is an enormous smorgasbord of delicacies: kishke, shlishke, kugel, roast chicken, gefilte fish, and lots of other goodies. As the men learn, they take food off the table and eat it.
One man approaches the Rebbe: "Rebbe, at last you have joined us! All day, we study and, while we study, we have a great banquet. Please join us. Would you like something to eat?"
The rabbi looks at the man and asks him, sternly, "Who's the mashgiach?"
The man looks at the Rebbe incredulously, and replies, almost with a laugh, "This is Gan Eden! HaKodoysh Bareech...He is the mashgiach!"
The Rebbe strokes his long, white beard for half an hour and shokels, pondering the matter. All his students look at him eagerly, waiting to hear what the Rebbe will say.
Finally, the Rebbe speaks: "I'll have the fruit," he says, "on a paper plate."

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Subject: Y2K in Heaven.
Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are even relevant "upstairs."
Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based systems to computers.
The following are excepts from a recent interview with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing was the way to go."
"In the olden days, you only had to track 613 mitzvot per Jew."
"No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees, minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer."
"Our first piece of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc - you know, for the Das operating system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully integrated world processor, WorldPerfect 7."
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here - so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand - how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system...."

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Subject: The Perfect Rabbi.
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect.
Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Your servant,
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Subject: Middle East Tensions.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I th