Subject: Who deserves the Afikomen? Wouldn't you think that the person who plans,
The person who changes the pots and the pans,
The person who suffers the elbowing crowd,
And brings home the matzoh meal, bloody and bowed,
Who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,
And races the clock to those Passover dates,
Who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs,
And goes around muttering "nobody cares",
Who fixes charoset and karpos and eggs,
And winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs,
Wouldn't you think when the matzoh is hid,
SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid???
Subject: Wine. Chelm (the city where everyone was equal; the fools were smart and the wise were foolish), had its very own wine maker. We'll call him Yankel. Naturally, most of his yearly income came before Pesach, when Jews would buy a lot of wine. One day before Pesach, Yankel opened a fresh barrel and noticed that it was half empty.
How could wine be missing from a newly-opened barrel? He thought and thought, but couldn't figure it out. Finally, he called his wife and told her about this puzzle. "Perhaps you can solve the mystery," he said.
After a quick inspection, she pointed to the bottom of the barrel and exclaimed, "Yankel, look there is a small hole here. This is why there is wine missing!"
Yankel carefully inspected the hole, examined the wine in the barrel and looked at the hole again. "That's the silliest thing I have ever heard! How could the hole be the culprit?" he said confidently. "Look, the hole is at the bottom of the barrel and the wine is missing at the top!"
Subject: Holy Moses. Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with a water hazard.
Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water.
"I don't understand," he said. "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"
Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results.
"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across," Moses said.
Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green.
"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.
A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replied, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
Subject: Who deserves the Afikomen?Wine.Holy Moses.Scientists. One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
Subject: Ventriloquist. A Jewish fellow and a Scotsman enter a bar with a slew of their friends. Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill.
"I'll Pay!" shouts the Scotsman and, with a scowl, coughs up.
The next day, the headline in the newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley."
Subject: Jews in China. Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
Subject: The Jewish Laws of Television. Author's Preface: This book must not be used as a guide to practical Halochoh. I am not a qualified posek. I failed my CPA exam. I do not even have a driver's license. The sole purpose of this work is to provide a basic understanding of the halochic issues relating to owning and using the television, and to convince my father-in-law that it was worth supporting me in kollel for the last 23 years. All halochic questions should be brought to a reader's local, qualified machmir. I want to acknowledge my gratitude to Hashem Yisborach, to my wife Chashie, to my children Bini, Pini, Minnie, Mashie, Bashie, Rashie, Ushi, Chushi and Harold. And to the one who instilled in me the love of television, Captain Kangaroo.
I. Definition of Television
A. The Halochoh defines television as any instrument which receives an audio and video signal, with a screen to display the video transmission and a speaker to amplify the sound. According to Rav Hai Gaon, an electrical supply is part of the definition of television (a so-called Hai-Definition television).
B. The Urim V'Tumim is believed to have resembled a television, though it appears to have lacked a remote.
C. The Medrash says that Odom Harishon knew everything, obviously including how to invent a television.
D. In the days of Moshiach, everyone who wants a television will own one, there will be no commercials, and all weather forecasts will be accurate.
II. Owning a Television
A. It is an Issur D'Oraisa to own a television according to most authorities. Some say it is an Issur D'Rabbonon. All agree that owning a television involves almost as many Issurim as speaking Loshon Hora.
B. Owning a television that is broken is permitted, provided the insides have been removed, replaced with potting soil, and the television is used as a planter. A Ba'al Nefesh will refrain from this practice.
C. One who borrows a television for more than thirty days is considered as one who owns it, even if it is later returned. Any loan of a television is canceled at the Yovel, along with magical objects, under the principle of Shemitos Keshafim. This principle will not apply on New Years' Day to a television tuned to the Pros Bowl.
III. Getting Benefit (Hano'oh) from Television
A. It is prohibited to derive benefit from television. Don't even think about it.
IV. The Laws of B'rochos
A. It is required to recite a Shehechiyonu on a new television, some say at the time of purchase, some say at the time of watching it for the first time, some say at the first time of watching an entertaining and popular program that is not interrupted every five minutes by annoying commercials featuring furry animals, cute children or a talking carton of milk.
B. When hearing a B'rocho recited on television, one should respond "Omen," although this does not fulfill an obligation. When the B'rocho is recited by a Goyische actor with a lousy Hebrew accent, one should snicker derisively.
V. The Laws of Kashrus
A. One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait six hours before watching a dairy advertisement. However, if the advertisement appears in between two non-dairy advertisements, it is considered Bottel B'Rov, unless the ad includes Tommy Lasorda or Tommy Lee Jones (in which case it is Nosen Tom).
B. After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may watch an advertisement for Hagen-Dazs, but only if the reception is fuzzy.
C. One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on television, unless one has just brushed one's teeth. An intervening toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.
D. It is forbidden to derive Hano'oh from an advertisement for Bosor B'Cholov, such as a ch-seburger. When such an advertisement begins, one should immediately cover one's face, turn off the television and recite some Tehillim.
VI. The Laws of Tefiloh
A. It is forbidden to postpone prayer in order to watch a program on television. However, if one is already engaged in watching a program, in Eretz Yisroel you may delay prayer until the program is finished, while in Chutz Lo'Oretz you may delay until the first commercial.
B. It is permitted to Daven B'Yechidus in order to catch one's favorite sitcom, but only on Thursday nights.
C. When one's television is broken, one should pray for its speedy repair. It is permissible to engage in Hishtadlus and call a repairman. In the event the repairman actually shows up, it is proper to recite the B'rocho of She'Osoh Nissim.
VII. Talking During Television Watching
A. It is forbidden to engage in idle talk during a television program, because it would be a Hefsaik (interruption). If the speech is related to the watching (e.g. "Please pass the remote," or "Doesn't Kathie Lee Gifford make you nauseous?"), no Hefsaik occurs. Nevertheless, it is preferable to refrain from any speech, especially if the person sitting next to you threatens to "punch your lights out" if you say another word.
B. During commercials, conversation is not considered a Hefsaik. Nevertheless, one who is able to refrain from talking during commercials should do so. The story is told about the mother of a famous Gadol who was asked why she merited to give birth to a Torah giant. She said, "I never disturbed my husband during commercials, and I never paid retail."
VIII.The Laws of Shabbos
A. Before Shabbos one should unplug the television and cover it with a velvet Challoh cover, Li'Kovod Shabbos. There is a dispute whether it is required that the Challoh cover be encased in plastic.
B. If a young child accidentally turns on a television during Shabbos (Rochmonoh Lotzlon), it is vital to respond without causing additional Chilul Shabbos. The following things should be done (in order of preferability.
1. If there is an Eruv, move yourself and your family into a neighbor's house for the duration of Shabbos.
2. If there is no Eruv, one must avoid looking at the television, even unintentionally. Men should tip their hat brim over their eyes. Women should tip their sheitel forward over their eyes. Children should wrap long strips of cloth over their eyes.
3. If this is not possible, one should seek out a Gentile and indirectly ask him if there is anything good to watch on Friday nights.
IX. The Laws of Paisach
A. It is very difficult to clean a television for Paisach because of all the little holes in the back of the set. Therefore, many authorities require that one throw out one's televisions before Paisach and buy new ones for Paisach.
B. According to R. Blumenkrantz, a television should be cleaned for Paisach as follows. First, remove the back of the television by unscrewing the screws under the sticker that warns against removing the back of the television. Then clean each instrument with an ammonia-based cleaner. Finally, to eliminate the Chometz absorbed when the television gets hot, the entire television set should be immersed in boiling hot water (Hagoloh). R. Blumenkrantz recommends unplugging the television first.
Subject: VIRILITY. A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Subject: G-d and the Golfer. The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms.
One Yom Kippur, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services."
Sure enough, at the conclusion of the morning service, the rabbi snuck out of the synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.
Looking down upon the scene were Moses and G-d.
Moses said, "Look how terrible - a Jew on Yom Kippur. And a Rabbi beside!" G-d replied, "Watch, I'm going to teach him a lesson."
Out on the course, the rabbi stepped up to the first tee. When he hit the ball, it careened of a tree, struck a rock, skipped across a pond and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this, Moses protested: "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson? He got a hole in one!"
"Sure", said G-d, "but who's he going to tell?"
Subject: Arafat. Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:
"You will die on a Jewish holiday." "Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."
ACTUAL PERSONALS WHICH APPEARED IN ISRAELI PAPERS
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76. c:\navhmi\data\global.sig
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
our place or mine? Divorced man, 42 with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object ..macaroni, POB 77
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 64
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 46
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. PB 658
Subject: Madame. The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
Subject: A man walks onto an Airplane.
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation.
He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is *crazed* with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
"And what will you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he continues desperately.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, the Native American man is. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, but actually men of Jewish descent make the best lovers". "Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you!
What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.
Tonto Goldstein."
Subject: Sufferin' Suckatash! A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
Subject: The Great Debate About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky.
So they finally picked an old man named Moishe, who had spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had the least to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one condition to the debate. Not being used to speaking very much as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity."
"He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that Jesus absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!
"What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Subject: Chevra Kadisha.
Head of the chevra kadisha hears someone banging on his door in the middle of the night.
"Come quickly! My wife just died!!!"
"Calm down, get a grip on yourself! Your wife's been dead for 2 years!"
"No, no, my SECOND wife! I've remarried."
"You remarried? I didn't know! Mazel tov!"
Subject: The Jewish Cowboy. A Jewish man passing thru Texas for a few day stay on business checked into a rooming house in a very what you would call a frontier town.
Not to be conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and went in to the only saloon in town.
He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six shooters and looking very gruff.
He ordered a beer.
While sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible the biggest burliest, scroungiest looking specimen walks in and proclaims, "Ah hears there is a Jew in here!"
The Jewish man cringes, says nothing.
"Ah know you're in here and you better speak up," says the western man.
The Jewish man knows that sooner or later he would have to face up to him and accept the consequences of being Jewish especially in such a remote place as this.
He stands up proudly and says," I AM A JEW!"
The westerner stares at him angrily, "What the HELL are you hiding for? Come with me, ah needs you for a minyan."
Subject: Windows. 1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt".
2. "Y2K" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis".
9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".
10. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
11. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".
13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!".
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
Subject: Sleeping Arrangements. A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you , but I can't sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
Subject: The Donation Checks. A local Rabbi was dissatisfied with the small amount in the contribution account at the bank. Someone (The synagogue Treasurer no doubt) suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the sanctuary is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 10 times Chai in their checks to the synagogue charity account."
So the very next Saturday, the Rabbi did as suggested, and lo and behold the collections were full of 10 times Chai ($180.00) checks. Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Saturday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the floor of the "bema" with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
Subject: The Old Man. A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Subject: In debt. Cohen had been in business for many years and his business was going down the drain and was full of debt. He was seriously contemplating suicide and he didn't know what to do. So he went to his Rabbi to seek advice. He told the Rabbi about all of his problems in business and asked the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi said "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."
The man did as he is told. He placed a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drove down to the beach. He sat on the chair at the water's edge and opened the Bible. The wind rifled the pages of the Bible and then stopped at a particular page. He looked down at the Bible and knew immediately what he had to do.
Three months later the man and his family came back to see the Rabbi. The man was wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, his wife was all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child was dressed in beautiful silk. The man handed the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and told him that he wants to donate this money to the temple in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi was delighted. He recognizes the man and asked him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11."
Subject: A sefirat ha'omer joke. A rabbi comes home from a hard day's work at the shul. She asks her husband, "Nu, what's for dinner?"
He says "Yesterday we had chicken."
Subject: Why moshiach may be late this year. For immediate release
Messiah Delay Expected--Y2K problem cited
Disappointing news out of Jerusalem today--delay predicted in the coming of the Messiah. A spokesman for God blamed software problems arising from Y2K bug as the source of the delay.
Recently, Heaven has been preparing for a launch of the Messianic Era. In a bit of bad luck, the selected time, Tishrei 5761, is also 2000 CE, and subject to the infamous Y2K problem. "We just didn't realize how pervasive this problem was" God said yesterday. "We thought Y2K was a just Gematriah thing. Who knew?"
The Y2K bug brought down three of Heaven's main servers and God's personal laptop during a full-up dress rehearsal simulation of the anticipated Messianic times. Heaven's spokesman would not discuss the servers for security reasons, but did mention that God uses an IBM ThinkPad, running Microsoft WorldPerfect 7 under Windows NT. Requests for comment from Microsoft went unanswered. "These computers are really a mixed blessing," God said. "I don't like to say it, but you know, 'Darned if you do, darned if you don't.'"
Heaven is waiting for a software patch from Microsoft to resolve the problem. The spokesman for Heaven said Microsoft would not promise a date for the fix."I can tell you for a fact that Bill Gates is not the Messiah,"God commented. "But as of now, he's the only one who can bring him."
For more continuing coverage of the issue, check out the website:
www.messiah.come
About the Software, WorldPerfect 7:
Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are even relevant "upstairs." Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based systems to computers. The following are excepts from a recent interview with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing was the way to go."In the olden days, you only had to track 613 mitzvot per Jew. No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees, minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer. "Our first piece of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc--you know, for the Das operating system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully integrated world processor,WorldPerfect 7.
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here--so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand--how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system....
Subject: Disney Store. Disney plans to open a store which will cater to the needs of the burgeoning Jewish population. Among the useful items for purchase will be:
Talis in Wonderland (folds fast if you're late)
Tinkerbell Tefillin (clap if you believe in Hashem!)
Minnie Kippah (also available in mini-Minnie sizes)
Little Mermaid Mezuzah (plays "Kiss the Girl")
Sleeping Beauty Sheytl (blonde only)
Tigger Tichel (orange with black stripes)
Peter Pans (milchig and fleishig cookware)
Bambi Blech (will not burn venison)
Robin Hood Pushka (takes from the rich gives to the poor) (formerly known as "101 Donations")
Aladdin Kiddush Cup (drink up and you'll be flying)
Pete's Dragon Havdalah Candle (his mouth blows fire!)
Pinocchio Yahrtzeit Candle (his nose grows shorter)
Mary Poppins Spice Box (holds a spoonful of sugar)
Hunchback of Notre Dame Shofar (curved like a real Hunchback)
Old Yeller lulav and etrog set (lulav old, etrog yeller)
Seven Dwarfs Menorah (eighth night not included)
Dumbo Dreidels (they fly!)
Beauty and the Beast Megillah (comes with Goofy gragger)
Cinderella Seder Plate (must be used by midnight)
Jewish Geography Game: "It's a Small World"
Jiminy Cricket's Book of Halacha: "Always Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide"
Wedding Prints Developed ("Some day my prints will come")
Subject: Minyan. I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned that the eleventh is just as vital. This really happened.
When the eleventh entered, someone said, "Thank goodness." The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already."
The other speaker said, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the room and go to the bathroom!"
Subject: IRS. An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi. He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
Subject: Indian (long - but nice). In the early 1800's this old Jewish merchant had to go to Omaha on business. He presented himself to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket to Omaha?"
The clerk responded, "$5.00."
"Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't got $5.00. I only got $2.00, so dere!"
"Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2.00, so forget it!" said the clerk.
"Liss'n, I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput'n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?"
"I'll tell you what I can do," said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2.00 and you could ride shotgun."
"Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said the old man.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't never shot no Indians," replied the merchant.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2.00 and get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So the old merchant climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie. About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said the old Jewish merchant.
"How far away is he?" asked the driver.
"How could I know dis?" asked the old guy. The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him he's too far away. Wait 'til he gets closer."
Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?"
"Yep, I still see 'em." Again the old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, and said, "He looks dis big, should I shoot 'em yet?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "He's still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well, this same continued every few hours for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still saw the Indian, the old guy demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now you can shoot 'em!"
The old man hesitated and then said, "Nah .......... I couldn' shoot'em."
"Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot 'em? ....I've known him ince he was dis big!"
Subject: The Darkened Theater. A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"
Subject: First Jewish Woman President. The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her mother "Mama, I've won the election. You've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry. I'll send you a dressmaker."
"But I only eat kosher food."
"Mama, I'm going to be President. I can get you kosher food."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come, mama."
"OK, OK,if it makes you happy."
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right.
"You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!"
Subject: Saving Money. Abe's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"
"Oy Vey!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20.00!"
Subject: NINE YEKKES & ONE CHASSID. At sholoshudos, there were nine yekkes and one chassid sitting at the table and there was only one piece of herring left. Suddenly the lights went out, there was a blood-curdling scream, and when the lights came on, on the plate was one hand with nine forks in it.
Subject: The Jewish Mother. A Jewish mother sent her son off to his first day of school with the customary pride and precautionary advice: "So bubeleh, you'll be a good boy and listen to the teacher? And you won't make noise, bubeleh, and you'll be very polite and play nice with the other children. And when it's time to come home, you'll button up warm, so you won't catch cold, bubeleh. And you'll be careful crossing the street and come straight home..." etc. etc. Off the little boy went.
When he returned that afternoon, his mother hugged him and kissed him and exclaimed, "So did you like school, bubeleh? You made new friends? You learned something bubeleh?"
"Yeah." Said the boy. "I learned my name is Irving."
Subject: Moishe Plotnik. Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
Subject: Russian War College. At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "Do we have enough Jews?"
Subject: Jews. An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"
The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about inter-marriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news. Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood. Better to read nothing but good news!"
Subject: Ehud Barak. From David Letterman's top ten list, a salute to the new premier of Israel, Ehud Barak, the Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Ehud Barak:
10. Internet Stock
9. Argyle Sock
8. Barakman Turner Overdrive
7. Furry Ewok
6. Ehuddi Wan Kenobi
5. Chewbaraka
4. Ehuddi and the Barakfish
3. Johan Sebastian Barak
2. Netanyahu Got Rocked
1. Bob Barker
Subject: Home, Sweet Home. A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: "Take me quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!"
"Yes," answered the father, "to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
Subject: An American in Tel Aviv. An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
Subject: Shoes. "Why I moan so much? Because my shoes are a little too small."
"So, why do you wear them?"
"On purpose: my wife is sick, I have great debts, my daughters are unmarried... When I come home, and I take of my shoes, I know what true happiness is."
Subject: The plaque. One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
Subject: The Tallis and The Cleaners. Every Monday morning, for the past 25 years, Mr. Goldberg would take his beloved and sacred tallis to Mr. Ginsberg's Dry Cleaners to be pressed and ready for The Sabbath.
Every Friday morning for the past 25 years, Mr.Goldberg would go down to Ginsberg's Dry Cleaners pick up his newly pressed Tallis and pay Mr. Ginsberg $10.00 for the pressing.
One Monday morning, Mr. Goldberg walks in to Ginsberg's Dry Cleaners with his Tallis and sees a whole slew of orientals working behind the counter.
Seeing a stunned and rather shocked look on Mr.Goldberg's face, Mr. Wong approached and explained that he had purchased the dry cleaners from Mr.Ginsberg. Mr. Goldberg then explained to Mr.Wong that for the past 25 years, he has been coming every Monday to drop off his Tallis so that it could be pressed and ready for the Jewish Sabbath on Friday.
Mr. Wong politely explained that absolutely nothing would change and that Mr.Goldberg could continue his weekly routine of having his prayer shawl,his Tallis, pressed and ready for Friday. Furthermore, Mr. Wong assured Mr.Goldberg that he would continue to honor Mr. Ginsberg's charge of $10.00 for the pressing of the Tallis.
Friday quickly approached and Mr. Goldberg arrived at the cleaners to pick up his Tallis. Mr. Wong, the new owner, quickly approached Mr. Goldberg with his pressed Tallis.
"Here is your prayer shawl Mr. Goldberg and that will be $15.00!"
"$15?", shrieked Mr. Goldberg. "You told me on Monday that you were going to continue charging me $10 for the pressing of my Tallis, just like Mr.Ginsberg had been doing for the past 25 years!"
Mr. Wong calmly looked Mr. Goldberg in the eye and replied, "Relax Mr. Goldberg. I charged you $10 for the pressing, as I said I would, and $5.00 to take all those damn knots out!"
Subject: Jewish Personalities and their real names. 1. Asa Yoelson 1. Al Jolson
2. Milton Berlinger 2. Milton Berle
3. Fanny Borach 3. Fanny Brice
4. Bernard Schwartz 4. Tony Curtis
5. Bobby Zimmerman 5. Bob Dylan
6. Sidney Leibowitz 43. Steve Lawrence
7. Elliot Goldstein 7. Elliot Gould
8. Israel Baline 8. Irving Berlin
9. Soupy Sales 9. Milton Hines
10. Belle Silverman 10. Beverly Sills
11. Betty Joan Perske 11. Lauren Bacall
12. Nathan Birnbaum 12. George Burns
13. David Daniel Kaminsky 13. Danny Kaye
14. Edward Israel Iskowitz 14. Eddie Cantor
15. Benjamin Kubelsky 15. Jack Benny
16. Michael Orowitz 16. Michael Landon
17. Allen Stewart Konigsberg 17. Woody Allen
18. Issue Danielovitch Demsky 18. Kirk Douglas
19. Sophia Kalish 19. Sophie Tucker
20. Joseph Gottleib 20. Joey Bishop
21. Natasha Gurdin 21. Natalie Wood
22. Lyova Geisman 22. Lee Grant
23. Joyce Penelope Frankenburg 23. Jane Seymour
24. Joseph Levitch 24. Jerry Lewis
25. Melvin Kaminsky 25. Mel Brooks
26. Elaine Berlin 26. Elaine May
27. Michael Peschkowsky 27. Mike Nichols
28. Gerald Silberman 28. Gene Wilder
29 Jacob Cohen 29. Rodney Dangerfield
30. Joan Molinsky 30. Joan Rivers
31. Borge Rosenbaum 31. Victor Borge
32. Amos Jacob 32. Lee J. Cobb
33. Lazlo Lowenstein 33. Peter Lorre
34. Emanual Goldenberg 34. Edward G. Robinson
35. Judith Tuvim 35. Judy Holliday
36. Ira Grossel 36. Jeff Chandler
37. Melvyn Hesselberg 37. Melvyn Douglas
38. Ivo Levi 38. Ives Montand
39. Simone-Henriette Kaminker 39. Simone Signoret
40. Marion Levy 40. Paulette Goddard
Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered as if you are wearing the plane.
Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been stolen?
A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?
Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an old bubbe?
A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.
Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.
Q: According to halacha, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your health?
A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.
Next week, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money on Chol HaMoed.
Subject: The three envelopes. When Benjamin Netanyahu turned over the reins of government to Ehud Barak, the public and political pundits were all quite surprised how short the two of them met to discuss transition issues. In a recent exclusive, it was revealed what Netanyahu discussed with Barak.
It appears that Netanyahu handed Barak three envelopes, each consecutively numbered from 1 to 3. Netanyahu told Barak that Peres had provided him with the same briefing and the same three envelopes, as had prime ministers done from the time Ben Gurion had stepped down.
"When things get tough," said Netanyahu, "open the envelope marked Number 1 and follow the instructions. If things get worse, open the second envelope. And, when things get really impossible, open the third. Do not," emphasized Netanyahu, "open these envelopes under any other circumstances." The envelopes were passed on to a new era of leadership and the two shook hands and took their leaves.
Barak, being an intensely curious and impatient man and one who is frequently up at all hours of the night, became rather curious as to the contents of the envelopes opened the first. He read "Blame your predecessor." His curiosity piqued, Barak opened the second. "Blame the Kneset." He then tore open the third. It read "Prepare three envelopes."
Subject: The shadchen.
A shadchen, having sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect to see her. The young man took one look at the damsel to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
"What's the matter?" asked the shadchen.
"You said she was young," whispered the young man, "and she's forty if she's a day! You said she was beautiful, and she looks like a duck! You said she was shapely, and she's fat enough for two! You said --"
"You don't have to whisper," said the shadchen. "She's also hard of hearing."
Subject: The Three Generals.
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three generals.
The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach espionage.
The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors, and General Dynamics.
Subject: Kol Nidre.
Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan, got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for." Gottlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
Subject: God created the dog...
This is a different order of creation....
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Subject: Tashlich.
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:
For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Bread that's fresh
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism,Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
Subject: Shabbath Sex.
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to the minister...a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work ... my wife would have the maid do it."
Subject: Shadken.
A shadken goes to see a poor man and says,
"I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
Top Ten Siddur Personalities
10.Billy Resihis and his cousin, Billy Tachlis
9. Asher Yatzar
8. Moe Dim
7. Jose Shalom
6. Alan Nissim
5. Sue She'arim
4. Roz Sodecha
3. Harvey Chenu
2. Sym Shalom (a really educated davener)
1. Annie Zemiros
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Top Ten Jewish Olympic Sports
10.100 yard kid-dash
9. Shalshelet Slalom
8. Shacharacing
7. Synchronized shuckling
6. Psukei Dezimrah - Shacharit Chazan relay
5. Hagbah lifting - with the weight on different sides
4. Shat"z Put
3. Esrog juggling
2. Tfillin Winding
1. 20 Meter Mikvah sky dive
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Subject: G-ds Email!
One day G-d was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. He called an angel and sent him down to Earth.
When he returned he told G-d that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% is bad and 5% is good.
G-d thought a moment and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of view.
When the female angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
G-d thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?....
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / /
No???
/ / / / / / /... Oh! YOU didn't get one either ?????
Subject: The true art of conversation!
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
Subject: Hagbah!
In their infinite wisdom the gabbaim gave Hagbah to the puniest guy in the Shul. Mit grossener tzooris he manages to complete the act but vows he will never be embarrassed like that again. He goes into a period of training for six months. Push up, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting the whole nine yards.
Six month later he's back in Shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time he picks up the Sefer four blat wide and flips it in the air. While the Torah is spinning he does a somersault and gets on his feet just in time to catch the falling Torah He then turns to the Gabbaim and says, "What do you think of that?"
The Gabbai replies, "Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."
Subject: Abe and Moshe!
Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money already."
"How can I get into it Moishe?"
"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine. I'll let you have it for $120,000."
Abe agreed and gave Moishe a cheque for $120,000.
Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Umm, things are well, and with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money."
"How is that? It was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "so, I gave him back his $5!"
Subject: B'rich sh'meh!
Question: What is G-d's first name?
Answer: Murray.
Question: how do you know?
Answer: Because it says Brich Shmei de Murray Almo - Blessed be the name of Murray Almo
Subject: Yid humor!
A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!"
Subject: Apartment Hunting!
Ira and Esther Goldberg had a large family of seven healthy children. They moved to America from Europe and were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in.
Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large family.
After several days of unsuccessful searching, Ira asked Esther to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning, they found a place that was just right.
The landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"
Ira answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!
Subject: Exclusive Clubs!
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made talleism.
Sure enough, they play 18 holes, go to the steam room and he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name. He replied, "My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer".
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises".
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".
Subject: The Club.
Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.
Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."
His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!"
Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish." and he leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: "What happened?"
Shloyme says,"Everything was fine until we played hole number eight!
Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds.
I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what'll I do now?'
And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."
Subject: Y2k Gematria - Kind of Neat!
Last Shabbos was January 1, 2000. The Hebrew date is 23 Tevet, 5760.
Spelled out in Hebrew, it's Yom Chof Gimmel Tevet Sh'nat Tav Shin Samech
The gematria of the above phrase is 2000:
Subject: The Rebbe.
The Satmar Rebbe has died. He goes straight up to Gan Eden. He finds a large table surrounded by a great number of long-bearded men studying Gemara, shokeling the whole time.
On the table is an enormous smorgasbord of delicacies: kishke, shlishke, kugel, roast chicken, gefilte fish, and lots of other goodies. As the men learn, they take food off the table and eat it.
One man approaches the Rebbe: "Rebbe, at last you have joined us! All day, we study and, while we study, we have a great banquet. Please join us. Would you like something to eat?"
The rabbi looks at the man and asks him, sternly, "Who's the mashgiach?"
The man looks at the Rebbe incredulously, and replies, almost with a laugh, "This is Gan Eden! HaKodoysh Bareech...He is the mashgiach!"
The Rebbe strokes his long, white beard for half an hour and shokels, pondering the matter. All his students look at him eagerly, waiting to hear what the Rebbe will say.
Finally, the Rebbe speaks: "I'll have the fruit," he says, "on a paper plate."
Subject: Y2K in Heaven.
Many people are surprised to hear Heaven falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear that computers are even relevant "upstairs."
Years ago Heaven converted from standard paper-based systems to computers.
The following are excepts from a recent interview with God on this topic: "We had our first machine years ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World Processing was the way to go."
"In the olden days, you only had to track 613 mitzvot per Jew."
"No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees, minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer."
"Our first piece of software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc - you know, for the Das operating system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully integrated world processor, WorldPerfect 7."
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here - so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah, Tefillah and Tzedakah, the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a printout in hand - how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water, etc. Not a bad system...."
Subject: The Perfect Rabbi.
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect.
Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Your servant,
-------------
Subject: Middle East Tensions. Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke."
"No problem," said the Jew. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it.
When the Jew returned with the Coke, other Arab said, "That looks good...
Think I'll have one too."
Again, the Jew obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The Jew returned with the Coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight.
As the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples.....this hatred ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"
Subject: Sabbath Violator.
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side of the Story', about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behavior."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis."
"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He *is* a doctor."
"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're a really observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
Subject: What if God had voice mail?
We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life.
But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"
Imagine praying and hearing this:
Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquires.
What if God used the familiar excuse... "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line"
Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in Prayer?
If you would like to speak to:
Gabriel,Press 1
For Michael, Press 2
For a directory of Rebbeyim,Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding
Press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key (#).
(If you get a negative response, try on 19 Kislev.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter C-H-A-B-A-D followed by Y-L-V
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already prayed THREE times today; Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for Shabbat; please pray again Sunday at 7:15 AM
If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local Rebbe or Rabbi or Moshiach....
Subject: Famous Jewish Movies.
1. Gonif with the Wind - a thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
2. The Putzman Rings Twice - a mohel murder mystery.
3. Schnorer Rae - a freeloader tries to get in on the union movement.
4. Balaboosta Cockburn - John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook.
5. The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly - a kosher noodle western.
6. Moby Dreck - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.
7. The Cincinnati Yid - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation.
8. Litvak Big Man - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant.
9. Butch cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer - Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.
10. Bridge over the River Kvetch - the extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips.
11. The Creature from the Black Latke - an overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.
12. Mamza Poppins - a talented nanny has questions about her birth legitimacy.
13. The Matzo Candidate - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking it's always Passover.
14. Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington - Jimmy Stewart thinks he's still filming Harvey.
15. Driedls of the Lost Ark - Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.
16. Aleph Doesn't Live Here Anymore = neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
17. Borscht-time for Bonzo - Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazy monkey.
18. Singing in the Ch'rain - Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella.
Subject: Mars.
Two U.S. astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing and exiting their craft they find themselves face-to-face with a couple of little green Martians.
"How do we make contact?" asks the first astronaut.
"Gee, I dunno." Says the second. "Hey, I've got an idea! They look pretty primitive. Let's impress 'em with some of our advanced technology."
"Sure!." says the first. "After all, it worked with the Indians." So he reaches into the pocket of his space-suit and pulls out a shiny silver cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested.
"I think it's working - light it!" says the second. The astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to bright red.
"Wow!" says the first. "They must really be impressed."
Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly: "Shabbos!"
Subject: Snow and the Jewish question.
A Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow
By Jordan Max
http://www.jewishworldreview.com --
LAST YEAR, in Toronto, we had a lot of snow. I spent many hours shoveling snow. Shoveling snow is boring work, and after a while a mind tends to wander. So I resolved that this year I would be prepared with lots to think about. I researched and sent letters to key Jewish figures, polling them for their keen insight on shoveling snow. Their
responses;
Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."
Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"
Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."
Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow"; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."
Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."
Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"
Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of Jewish teenagers shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision, will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."
Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"
Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."
The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared anyway."
Now, if I could just find my boots.
JWR contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist and columnist for The Candian Jewish News.
Subject: One day at the U.N.
At an emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Ambassador (IA).
IA: "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story....
When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts and prairies and even more deserts. The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of the mountain with his cane and at the site of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clear, cool water.
And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.
Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took off all of his clothes and dove into the cool waters of the pond. Only when Moses came out of the water did he discover that all of his clothes have been stolen...
And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes..."
Yassir Arafat (jumps out of his seat and screams): "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!"
IA: "And with that in mind, let me begin my speech."
Subject: The Logical Response.
Once a Brisker was walking to the Kotel when he was suddenly attacked near Damascus Gate by a terrorist threatening him with a knife.
Sensing that his end was near, he recited the Shma, then exclaimed in a heart-rending voice: "Boruch oto HaShem ... v'tzivanu lamus al kiddush ha-shem"!
Totally unprepared for this behavior, the shocked terrorist started fleeing in the opposite direction.
The Brisker finished the bracha, and, looking up and seeing his attacker in flight, starting chasing after him, crying out: "brocha l'vatolo, brocha l'vatolo!!!".
Subject: Christmas is weird.
Christmas is weird. It's the time of year when our neighbors love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of their socks.
Subject: Insurance Sales Pitch.
Airman Cohen was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Cohen had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Cohen's sales pitch. Cohen explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
Subject: The Graveyard Shift.
There were two brothers, Chaim and Yankel who were very poor, everything that they did they did together, every business they tried failed, till they had no choice but to go and steal food. Once they took from the bakery a loaf of bread and divided it equally, when they ate it up, they stole something else... etc.
One day they decided that they needed to steal something that will last them a long time. Both are thinking and thinking till Chaim says "I know, we will steal nuts, because nuts are very filling and are very small."
On the first night of "Slichitot" (The last Saturday night before Rosh Hashanah) at 10:00PM right before the grocery was closing Yankel sneaked in and hides. After the owner left and locked the door, Yankel comes out of his hiding place and opens the door for Chaim.
Chaim comes in, they look around and find a big sack of nuts. They are about to go but one brother says "Where are we going to divide it so our wives will not be suspicious?".
"Let's go to the shul."
"No, everyone is there for slichot."
"Let's go to the ladies section."
"No, what's if someone looks in."
"I know we will go to the graveyard."
This graveyard had two entrances, one where they came in and one on the other side, so the decided that the first entrance they could see if anyone comes in and the second one they took a piece of metal with two nuts and put it on top of the door, so if anyone comes in, it will make a noise.
They both take out their sacks and start counting "One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you, etc..."
It came 1:00am, and the gabay was going around waking everybody up for services. When he passed the graveyard he froze, he heard "One for me and one for you.." He ran to the Rabbi and told the Rabbi "I just passed the graveyard and I heard the angel of death and the angel of life were dividing the souls."
The Rabbi went with the gabay and they both hear "One for me, one for you. Now we are finished it was a good job and so let's go."
Then one brother asks the other one "What's about the two nuts by the door?"
The Rabbi and the gabay fainted.
Subject: Raise.
The board of the synagogue was having a meeting about the Rabbi's new contract.
The president finally came out and said, "Rabbi, we can give you the new house, the new car and the $20,000 raise, but we can't give you the new Tallis."
The Rabbi said, "What--you give me all those other things and can't give me a new Tallis--why?"
"Because," replied the President, "those fringe benefits will kill us!"
Subject: Was Adam Jewish?
Young Abie Levinson said, "Papa, was Adam Jewish?"
Mr. Levinson put down his newspaper and thought for a moment.
He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning and the art of making a point by an unanswerable question.
He said, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure Mrs. Levinson wasn't listening.) "Therefore, we drop the Adam problem and ask ourselves instead: "Was Eve Jewish?"
"To answer that we have only to ask the question: Would anyone but a Jewish girl say, 'Here, have a piece of fruit'?"
Subject: Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew.
by Rabbi Jack Moline
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No , mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Hu.
C: me, me, me!
A: Hu, hu, hu!
C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A: No, hu is he!
C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
C: Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: 'Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Hu!
C: He?
A: She!
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
A: Hu.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C: And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C :Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: Who?
C: She!
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C: I said Ma.
A: What.
C: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
A: Fish.
C: Fish?
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
Subject: Mary Had a Little Lamb.
(TO be sung to Mary had a little lamb)
Murry had a tallis - its tzizis ver vhite as snow.
And every vere dat Murry vent, his tallis was sure to go.
He vore it in shul every day - made his day so bright.
Oy, dat Murry vaz so heppy, 'cause his tzizis ver always vhite.
But den it got a bissel shmutzik, So in de mechine it vent.
Vot could he do ?
But ven he took it instead of four tzizis, all he hed left ver two.
He brought his tallis to the tailor, and asked him if he vood
Fix his Tallis and make it kosher just like it should.
De tailor vorked on his tallis sewing mit needle and thread.
Ven Murry came to pick it up, dis iz vot de tailor said:
"I've seen many talleisim before, dose of Chayim and Yossel.
But as for your Tallis, I must say, diz is definitely possul.
I could vork on your tallis some more, but it really doesn't pay.
If I vere you, I vould buy a new tallis, and trow diz old von avay."
So off Murry vent to de store, he vaz really in a mess.
For de only tallis he could find vuz von dat had shatnez
He said, "If I don't find a tallis, I really von;t be heppy.
De Tzizis are too short on dis von and dat von looks to shabby."
But he bought von anyvay and asked de Rov is its ok, to buy a tallis
mit shatnez and use it every day.
De Rav said,"Oy, your tallis is just fine, you can even make a brocha
cause having a tallis mit shatnez is perfectly mitin halocha."
So now Murry has a new tallis, bigger and better dan before.
He doesn't miss de old von cause he likes the new von more.
And in dis whole story, he learned von ting, and teaches it throughout de land,
"DON'T PUT YOUR TALLIS IN DE VASHING MACHINE, ITZ BETTER TO VASH IT BY HAND."
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors 'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk, milk and magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
Subject: Joseph.
Once there was a man, Joe who walked into a synagogue and he asked someone what was happening in the torah.
The man told him all about Joseph and his brothers. How Joseph was suffering. Joe began to cry.
Next year Joe asked the same question and received the same answer. He began to laugh.
The man said to Joe, "Why are you laughing?"
Joe said, "The same thing happened to him last year - he could have learnt his lesson by now!"
Subject: Kosher computers.
If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes, such as:
The Rabbi comes over and performs a bris, taking a little piece off the tail of the mouse.
I have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik software and one for milchedik.
Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt.
The screen savers include Flying Dreidels.
My PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
If my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
My Start button has been replaced with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button.
I hear Hatikvah during Startup.
Microsoft Office now includes: a little byte of this, and a little byte of that.
When running Scan disk, I am prompted with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
I saw a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
Computer viruses can now be cured with some chicken soup with matzo balls.
I had to replace the mouse with a yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm not allowed to touch the Scroll bar.
When I open AOL, the announcement doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You don't WRITE, you don't CALL!"
When I Delete files I get a Dialogue Box that says "Listen, you never know, you might need this someday. So should I cancel already?"
When I click on Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows.
It also came with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically turns the hard drive on after sundown, scans the most recent files slowly and prints out during services.
For an additional $29.95 it's accompanied by a Chulent CD-ROM... that slowly surfs the Internet during Shabbos, amassing an assortment of Web sites which then sit in the Browser Cache of my hard drive and stew until after sundown Saturday.
And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to Shut Down, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, LOOK, I REALLY GOTTA GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL.
Subject: Jewish Mother's Letter.
Young Benjamin grandmother had given him two sweaters for his birthday. He had arranged to visit his grandmother that weekend, and was agonizing over which of the two sweaters to wear.
After what seemed like hours of deliberation, he chose one, and on the appointed day, put it on, and went to visit his grandmother.
She greeted him at the door, took one look at the sweater, and said,
"So you didn't like the other one?"
Subject: L' Chaim.
The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.
Subject: Expensive Burial.
Moskowitz was describing the funeral of a lodge brother.
"No expense," he said, "was spared. The casket alone came to over forty thousand dollars."
"Forty thousand dollars?" marveled Finkelstein. "Why so much?"
"It was titanium, with a stainless steel lining, and a nitrogen atmosphere sealed inside. He will never decay."
"But he just lies there," said Finkelstein.
"Of course, what else?"
"For that kind of money, he could have been buried in a Cadillac - seated at the wheel."
Subject: RSVP.
Kravetz and the missus were stuck. They'd just received an invitation to a
very high-class wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the
abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son, the college grad, was here, he'd know," sighed Mrs.
Kravetz as she kissed her husband good-bye.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called
Kravetz at the shop. "Darling, I've figured it out," she shrieked. "RSVP
means Remember Send Vedding Present."
Subject: Breaking the fast of Tisha B'Av.
One the day after the fast of Tisha B'Av, the rabbi sent for Hershele.
"My disciples have told me that you were seen eating yesterday, the day of the fast. Is it true that you have committed so grave a sin?"
"Let me explain what happened," said Hershele. "As I was leaving the synagogue after morning prayers, I walked along the river where the poor women do their laundry. One of the women remarked that everybody in town was fasting today. 'Is that so?' said her friend. 'Well, I wish I had a hundred rubles for every Jew who will eat today!' And to make sure that this poor woman would have at least a hundred rubles, I decided that I should break the fast."
Subject: Kugel.
Someone once asked Motke, that legendary wit, "Tell me, Motke, you're a smart fellow. Why is kugel called kugel?"
Motke lost no time in responding. "What kind of silly question is that? It's sweet like kugel, isn't it? It's thick like kugel, isn't it? And it tastes like kugel, doesn't it? So why shouldn't it be called kugel?"
Subject: Jewish Robber.
A long time ago, in a small Russian town, an Orthodox Jewish family became poorer and poorer. No matter what the husband and wife did to try to put bread on the table, their family's situation became worse and worse.
Finally, as the husband saw they were about to starve, he decided he could no longer live honestly. "Wife," he said, "Pack up my prayer shawl and phylacteries, and give me a knife. I will become a robber."
The wife was extremely upset, but she did as her husband told her.
The man wandered into the woods, and it wasn't long before he saw another Jewish man. This man looked fairly prosperous. "Reb Yid," the Yiddishe robber said, "Give me all that you have on you. Give me your money, your jewelry! If you don't, I will stab you to death! I'm not fooling around! Give me everything or I will leave you for dead!"
The wealthier man quickly thought about the situation, and concluded it probably wouldn't happen. "I will give you nothing! If you wish, stab me!"
The robber took out the knife and was about to stab him, when he looked at the knife and threw it away saying, "In ale shvartzse yorn! Zi hot mir gebebn a milchikn messer!"
(translation: "In all dark years! She gave me a milk knife!")
Subject: A Mezuzah For Lamborghini.
After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: A new Lamborghini!
However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.
"You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!"
Well, the man is disappointed, but he waits a few days and finally goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah. "You want a mezuzah for what?" the Rabbi asks.
"It's a Lamborghini," the man replies.
"What's a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"A car, an Italian sports car."
"What? That is blasphemy!" the Rabbi shouts. "You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Reformed!"
Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but finally he breaks down and goes to the Reformed Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he asks, "I'd like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini."
"You have a Lamborghini?" asks the Rabbi.
"You know what it is?" says the man.
"Of course! It's a fantastic Italian sports car. What's a mezuzah?"
Subject: Who is Moshiach? :-)
A young doctor began his first day at work in a large mental hospital when one demented patient walked up to him and began screaming at the top of his lungs "I am the Messiah, the L-rd has chosen me!!"
Quietly another patient approached and whispered in the doctor's ear "Don't listen to him, he's crazy, I never chose him.
I chose my brother Frank!"
Subject: Robber.
Hershel Ostropolier (a Jewish wit of the 17th century) is walking home on Friday afternoon, taking a shortcut through the forest. A bandit, brandishing a pistol, jumps out and says "Give me your money or I'll shoot you dead!"
Hershel pleads with the man "My wife will never believe that I've been robbed. She'll think I just spent the money in a tavern. She'll kill me if you don't!"
The robber replies "That's no difference to me. Give me your money or I'll certainly kill you".
Hershel hands the robber his wallet and says "Well, I guess I have no choice. But could you at least make it so my wife will believe me?"
Hershel holds open his coat. "Shoot a hole in my coat." This seems reasonable to the robber, and he does so.
Hershel looks, shakes his head, and says "Oy, what was I thinking! That side is already so tattered, you can't even tell there's a bullet hole.
Here, please, shoot a hole in the other side where it isn't so shabby". The robber again obliges.
Hershel looks, takes off his had, and says "That's good, now let's really make the story stick - shoot a hole in my hat, too!"
The robber says "I've had enough of this foolishness. Besides, I've used all my bullets to make your story convincing already."
Hershel replies "You've used all your bullets?", takes his walking stick, pummels the robber senseless, retrieves his wallet, and goes on his way.
Subject: Pravda.
In the tumultuous weeks after the breakup of the Soviet Union, Yankel Rabinovitz goes into a Moscow cafe, orders a cup of tea and asks for a copy of Pravda (the official newspaper of the USSR).
The waiter says "I can bring you the tea, but Pravda is no longer being published. The Soviet Union has been dissolved". Rabinovitz drinks his tea, pays his check, and goes.
The following day Rabinovitz returns to the cafe, orders a cup of tea and a copy of Pravda. The waiter says "Sir, as I told you yesterday, the Soviet Union has been dissolved. Pravda is no longer being published!" Rabinovitz nods, drinks his tea, pays and departs.
The following day - same thing. Rabinovitz returns to the cafe, orders a cup of tea and a copy of Pravda. The waiter says "Sir, you seem like an intelligent man. I've told you for the past two days, the Soviet Union has been dissolved. Pravda is no longer being published! What do I have to do to get you to understand?"
Rabinovitz says "Oh, I understand perfectly well. It's just that I love to hear you say it..."
Subject: Youthful Religion.
The following answers were written by children and have not been rewritten or corrected.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Subject: Mincha.
A man realized that he had to stop to daven Mincha, as it was getting dark. So he stopped by a telephone booth, picked up the receiver, and made it look like he was talking on the phone, while he was actually davening.
When he finished, he closed the siddur, hung up the phone, and walked out of the booth, wondering why everyone was standing around, laughing.
He looked up, to discover a sign on the phone booth saying: "OUT OF ORDER".
Subject: Meshulach.
A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person's door and when the gentleman of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, "Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein, I'm collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution."
The homeowner replies, "The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish."
"Are you sure?", asks the Meshulach.
"Sir, I am positive", replies the homeowner.
"But", says the meshulach, "It says here that you're Jewish, and my records are never wrong."
"I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish", replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.
"Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong, you must be kidding me, are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands the Meshulach.
"For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather alav hashalom wasn't Jewish either!"
Subject: Biblical Ways to Get a Wife.
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.- Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10.Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11.When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-)
12.Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).- David (2 Samuel 11)
13.Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14.Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my checkbook
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Target
I shall not go in, for Thou art with me
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.
-- Amen
Subject: Top ten ways the White House will change with Liberman as VP.
10) Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".
9) Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."
8) Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
7) Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.
6) Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!
5) Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around.
4) U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
3) Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to actually start working Monday - Friday.
2) Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.
1) In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed Carnegie Delhi.
Subject: Shul names.
The new marketing strategy of targeting groups has finally reached synagogues. Some of the new congreations follow:
For Chinese Congregations - Anshei Dragon
For New York City - Temple Rush, Rush, Rush
For Chicago - Etz Chaim Capone
For Atlanta - Acheinu Ayn Sherman
For Breighton Beach - Acheinu B'nei Yisroel v'Vodka
For Borough Park - Shaarei Peyos
For Hungarian - Am Goulash
For German - Precision You vill go to shul
For French - Aish Hatorah of oo-la-la
For Canadian - Anshei Bronfman
For Sports - Elokim Sfat P'nai Nu (AKA ESPN)
For the Homeless - Anshei Schnorrer
For the Fat - Shomrei Zaftig
For those who drop soup - Kehillat Schlemiel
For those on whose laps the soup is dropped - Kehillat Schlimazel
For alcoholics - Am Schicker
For Recovering Alcoholics - 12 Step Temple
For the rich - Tferis Gelt
For social pariahs - Knesset Nogoodniks
For SOB's - Minyan Momzerim
For the Politically Correct - Temple Beth/Bat Hashadim (ot?)
For Rifle Owners - Shaarei Shadchun
For Corporate types - Kesher Golem
For Meddlers - Acheinu B'nai Futzers
For the Arrogant - Kish Meyn Tokhhes of the Hamptons
For the connoisseur - Cheva Chazarei
For Psychiatrists - Shomrei Schmoozers
For Jerks - P'nai Putz
For followers of the Persian Prime Minister of 450 BCE - Kahal Haimish
For Infants - Young Israel
Frito Lay Aficionados - Nasher b'Yisroel
For the insensitive or boorish - Agudas Zhlub -
For Big Deals - Teferis Tzimis
For Nosy persons - Hashomayr Schnoz
For the Ashen - Temple Tush
For those who gossip - Ohev Yenta of the National Enquirer
Subject: Atheists.
A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."
Subject: Rabbi's Advice.
Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
Subject: Another Flood.
A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it; in six days the waters will wipe out the world.
The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven.
The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too late to accept Jesus," he says.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach: "We have six days to learn how to live under water."
Subject: What is the difference...
Q. What is the difference between a crucifixition and a circumcision?
A. In a crucifixition, they throw out the whole Jew.
Subject: Elderly Rabbi.
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy--to taste pork. He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walks in! They immediately see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat. At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts the lid to reveal -- what else? -- roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"
Subject: What's the difference between... Q: What's the difference between an international terrorist and a Jewish woman cleaning her kitchen for Pesach?
A: You can negotiate with the international terrorist........................:-)))))
Subject: Sun or Moon?
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi.
"What a silly question!" snapped the cleric. "The moon, of course! It shines at night when we really need it. But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
Subject: Studying.
Bella was the only Jewess in her class at an exclusive school in Scarsdale. Quite rightly, she considered herself a lucky girl since, in those days, only gentiles were admitted.
Bella's closest friend was Cynthia, a Greek Catholic. When the girls took their final examinations, Bella passed with straight A's but Cynthia failed miserably.
"I just can't understand it," complained Cynthia. "Just before the tests I lit candles to St. Peter, St. Barnabas and several other saints, and look what happened!"
"I lit a candle too," said Bella.
"What! You, a Jewess, lit a candle? To whom?"
"To nobody. I lit the candle and stayed up all night, studying."
Subject: Newly religious.
A lifelong backslider suddenly "saw the light" and approached the local rabbi.
"Rabbi, from now on I will attend synagogue services regularly," he promised.
"I'm glad to hear that," smiled the wise old rabbi, "but remember -- going to synagogue doesn't make you a Jew any more than going to a poultry farm makes you a chicken!"
Subject: Walking along the beach.
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared.
Bill asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, not these days. I'm only giving out one wish because of inflation.
So...what'll be?"
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "See this map? I want these countries, Israel and Syria, to stop fighting with each other, and start loving each other instead."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy???
These countries have been at war for years! I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish."
Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, for some reason a lot of people don't like my wife. Since she is running for the Senate in New York, it would be terrific if you would make Hillary likeable. That's my wish."
The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Let me see that map again..."
Subject: On EL AL...
An El Al flight is about to take off.
Over the intercom the passengers hear, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. Your hostesses are Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern and Mrs. Esther Schwartz. Now let me introduce you to my son, the pilot."
Subject: Tshuvah Hotline.
Thank you for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline herein Heaven. Due to the approaching High Holidays, which is our busiest season, all of our telephone lines are temporarily busy. Please wait patiently as your call will be answered in sequence - and remember, patience is a virtue.
You will no doubt enjoy our musical selection of Yeshiva Rock and the Best of Shlomo Carlebach, while you wait. Please note that these telephone lines will not be available on the two days of Rosh Hashanah, and on Yom Kippur. For a voice recording in Ashkenazic English dialect, press 1, for Sephardic, press 2, for New York, press 3. If you are uncertain, press 4. This line is also available in other languages. For Hebrew, press 5, for Yiddish, press 6, for Russian, press 7, for others, press 8. Please note that our service is not available in Arabic or French.
If you have never used the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline before, you will need to listen carefully to our simple sequenced instructions. This service is available for touch-tone telephone users as a supplement to your davening (praying) at shul over the Ten Days of Awe. It is not a substitute. Let us now begin.
To access your personalized account of all your known aveiros (transgressions), including dates and affected parties, please press 1 now. If you have not already apologized to the affected parties, please hang up now and call back when this has been done. For a personalized list of aveiros towards HaKadosh Baruch Hu, (Him) please press 2. Please note that in order to provide timely service to all callers, there is now a limit of 20 aveiros per person at one time. Politicians and Reform Party supporters will require several visits to complete their inventory. Humor columnists who frequently exceed their word counts or use big words should hang up now and try calling later, say, after the Millennium.
Please select the aveiros you have committed this past year. In case you have forgotten, we offer a list of the most popular aveirot. To activate this function, please press the pound (#) key. Once you have chosen the proper aveirah, enter the code and press the pound key to enter it. As you enter your aveirah, our service will prompt you for your Explanation. If you committed the aveirah because he/she did it, press 1.
If you did so by accident, but did not mean to, press 2. If you have a good reason, but won't tell anyone what it is, press 3. If you did so knowing you were wrong, but didn't think you would get caught, press 3. If you blame your legal counsel for the aveirah, press 4. If you blame the influence of Freud or television, press 5. If you blame it on Rock n' Roll, Rap and/or drugs, press 6. If you want to blame someone else for the aveirah but can't think of anyone in particular, press 7.
At the conclusion of your aveiros, enter the star (*) key. For those of you with 7 aveiros or less, we offer a Tzadik Express Line. Please press 1 to access this Express line now. This is only for real tzadikim: if you think you are a tzadik or tzadeket, you are probably not. Remember, no sneaking in with 8 or more aveirot. Please note that the same aveirah committed against two individuals counts as two items.
Now that you have entered your personal aveirot, you may access the Selichot component of our service. As our computer reads out each aveirah you have indicated, please enter the contrition code.
For example, a "1" means you are only mildly sorry for your action, "2" means you are somewhat sorry, but have mitigating circumstances and a good lawyer, "3" means you are very sorry but will likely repeat it and have a great lawyer, "4" means you are very very sorry, and will not repeat it unless there are mitigating circumstances and you have Dershowitz on retainer, and "5" means you are extremely sorry and will not repeat the aveirah under any circumstances, since you have only your second cousin's son-in law who failed the bar twice. Please proceed with your Selichot sequence now....
Our computer has now processed your request for Kaparah (atonement). Before we reveal the decision results, you may increase your score by pledging additional tzedakah to your favorite charity.
All major credit cards are accepted. Please enter your pledge amount (in US dollars), followed by your credit card number and expiry date. Thank you. Based on your Aveirah Score, Selichot Score and Tzedakah Score, you have been granted conditional atonement. This offer expires within one calendar year.
Thank you for visiting the Teshuvah Hotline today, and remember, we know everything.
Subject: Headache.
A jewish woman goes to see the rabbi; she complains about her heavy headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, she shouts, overjoyed: "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies: "No madam, It is not gone. I have it now."
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The Afikomen.
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