Subject: Rabbis and Apikorsim. A Rabbi was in a restaurant and he saw an Apikores eating, without having a covering on his head.
"Rabbi" said the Apikores, "it says to judge your fellow Jew favorably, what kind of reason can you find for my eating without my head covered?"
The Rabbi answered him "Since you don't have a head you don't need to cover it".
*******************
An Apikores once sent a present to the Rabbi - A picture of a pig. The Rabbi sent back his picture with a note: "Thanks for sending me your picture, here's my picture".
*******************
An Apikores once asked a Rabbi: "I know that if a Rabbi walks into a room you're supposed to stand up and if a dog comes in you should sit down, what if they both walk in together?" The Rabbi answered him: "Let's walk in to a room together and we will find out".
*******************
An Apikores once asked a Rabbi: "I transgressed all the Mitzvot in the Torah, do you know any more that I can transgress?" The Rabbi answered him: "Yes, To kill yourself".
********************
A Rabbi walked in to a nonkosher restaurant to use the bathroom, and he saw one member of his congregation (David) eating pig. Embarrassed David answered: "well at least it's under Rabbinical Supervision!!".
Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A: Ruthless.
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds.
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: G-d drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.
Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q: Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Subject: The Jews Keep Rome. About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"Yes, yes,.. and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know," said Moishe,
"He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
Subject: Gefilte Fish, the Real Story. (by Lawrence Sherry)
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So once again, here goes.
Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish can be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of the lake with some Matzoh. Now this is very important!! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here boy," "here boy." The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come en masse to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.
Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell". Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish! Only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy"!
The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming ,and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time. I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy. Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes!
Subject: The Perfect Rabbi! The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks....so don't break the chain.
Subject: A Chelm joke. In the village of Chelm, Yankalah is walking along a river.
While he's looking around he notices Moishe walking along the other side of the river.
He yells to Moishe "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
Moishe replies, "You are on the other side!"
Subject: Star Trek. The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart.
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America"
The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
The American laughs and leans over. "That's because it takes place in the future."
Subject: Muhammad. An extremist Muslim was killed in a car bombing. He arrives at the
gates of heaven. St. Peter says, "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven."
The Muslim says, "Nice to meet you Peter, but I'm a Muslim and I
want to meet Muhammad."
St. Peter says, "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you
and you will meet Muhammad."
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses.
Moses says "Hi, I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven."
The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to meet you.
But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet
Muhammad."
Moses says, "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you
will meet Muhammad."
The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see
anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks,
"Who are you?" The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you.
Welcome to Heaven." God walks over and shakes his hand.
The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir,
it is such an honor to meet You - I can't believe it - this place
is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I
really want to meet Muhammad."
God says "Ohhh... You're here to see Muhammad. I see. No problem.
Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something
to eat?"
The Muslim says, "I would love a cup of coffee."
God yells into the kitchen, "Hey Muhammad, 2 coffees!!!"
Subject: Pick Up Line. A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar.
A man approaches her.
"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"
Subject: What if God had voice mail? We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of modern life.
But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"
Imagine praying and hearing this:
Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquires.
What if God used the familiar excuse... "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line"
Can you imagine getting these responses as you call God in Prayer?
If you would like to speak to:
Gabriel,Press 1
For Michael, Press 2
For a directory of Rebbeyim,Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding
Press 4.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound key (#).
(If you get a negative response, try on 19 Kislev.)
For reservations at "My Father's House" please enter C-H-A-B-A-D followed by Y-L-V
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already prayed THREE times today; Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for Shabbat; please pray again Sunday at 7:15 AM
If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local Rebbe or Rabbi or Moshiach....
Subject: Everything I really need to know I learned from Noah's Ark: 1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah build the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something Really big.
3. Don't listen to critics. Do what has to be done.
4. Build on the high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so was the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee - float.
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain - shovel!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs & the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
17. DON'T MISS THE BOAT!!!!
More Noah's ark humor
Another fellow, an atheist since his youth, became not only interested but devout in his late years. At the age of seventy-five, he decided to come back to the faith of his fathers.
One evening, he attended services at Temple Israel, the first time he'd been in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah days at the age of thirteen. He heard the Rabbi announce that the next week's sermon would address the question of the great and terrible biblical flood that destroyed all life in the world.
The old man approached the Rabbi after services and said that he was sorry not to be able to attend services next week, that he'd be out of town. "But don't worry, Rabbi, put me down for $20 to aid the flood victims."
What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
"Now I herd everything"
Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
They kept saying neigh
What animal could Noah not trust?
The cheetah
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights
Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
Noah--he took Ham with him on the ark
What did God say when Noah told him he wanted to build the ark out of bricks?
"No, Noah -- go for wood"
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck
Who was the first canning factory run by?
Noah - he had a boat full of preserved pairs
Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
No, he came fourth out of the ark
Which animal took the most baggage into the arc?
What animal took the least?
The elephant took his trunk.
But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them,
Why weren't there any worms on the arc?
Because worms come in apples not in pairs.
What creatures were not on the arc?
Fish
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the ark hives.
Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.
Where was Noah when the lights went out?
In d'ark.
Why couldn't Noah catch many fish?
He only had two worms.
When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible?
When the dove brought the green back to the ark.
What did the cat say when the ark landed?
Is that Ararat?
If you insist on litigation, you can be sure of tribulation.
Subject: Judaism 1.0 [Query]
Hi, I'm about to install SCO Unix. But I heard that any Unix is full of daemons or demons. I uninstalled Linux because of that reason and because I had a lot of trouble since having installed it. As a Christian user, I don't want to have to do anything with Satan and his daemons. Is the only alternative for me Windows NT?
[author's reply]
I'm afraid that all platforms have daemons running somewhere. To see NT's, right click on the task bar, select "Task Manager" and you'll see all the programs running in the background. The solution to your problem is not to switch to NT but to upgrade to a new personal operating system that does not require the fear of daemons. I recommend Judaism 1.0 which had been offering an un-advertised competitive upgrade for the last 6,000 years. Check your phone directory for the address of your nearest authorized services center for details.
There are many other advantages to an upgrade to Judaism 1.0:
Thousands of local authorized services centers (temples).
Expert consultant at every services center (rabbi).
User group meetings every Saturday.
Advanced Study Centers (Yeshivah).
Annual reboot ceremony (Yom Kippur).
Economical. Does not require a large Vatican MIS department.
Flexible development, arguing and porting environment.
Runs most compatible jobs and careers without modification.
To aid in the upgrade, Judaism 1.0 comes with a complete Documentation package, including:
Source Code (Torah).
Translation to English (Old Testament).
Annotated release notes (Talmud).
Getting Started guide (Maftir).
There are some details which must be known before upgrading. Due to reliability considerations, multiple personal operating systems are not supported. Therefore, the upgrade is actually a total replacement. Fortunately, the tested in-place-upgrade preserves everything and does not require unloading assets and starting over. Although there are no license fees, maintenance charges (tithe) or Upgrade charges, donations are usually requested at the Saturday user group meetings, (but not at the orthodox ones) and after the annual reboot ceremony. There are media charges for printed documentation. Some minor accessories (yamulkah, tallis, tefillin) may need to be purchased.
Once the Judaism personal operating system is installed and properly licensed, you are allowed to make backup copies for all your child processes. However, they will be running "Judaism Lite" until age 13 when the full personal operating system may be safely installed (Bar Mitzvah). There are a number of holidays, festivals and events which may involve some downtime. These are explained in the documentation in excruciating details. The lunar calendar is non-standard but conversion utilities are available.
Judaism 1.0 is compatible with both Unix and NT. It involves no fear Of daemons, numbers (663) or scientific notation. Many features of the Beta versions of Judaism were cloned by your existing personal operating system. Reliability is greatly enhanced by 5,759 years of experience as compared to only 1,998 years for your current installation. This allowed time to do testing and avoid squabbles over standards as is currently underway in Ireland.
Judaism 1.0 is an impressively powerful personal operating system, but with an installed base of only 3% of the US population. This small but fanatically loyal user base has resulted in extremely low turnover. This also yields excellent system reliability, honesty, survivability and high net worth benchmark results.
Having run Judaism 1.0 for the past 50 years, I can testify as to all the above advantages. I have never experienced a system crash, hang, purge or pogrom that could be attributed to a bug or glitch in the personal operating system. I highly recommend installing the upgrade.
Subject: Name change. Three Jews named Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel have been talking about moving to the US.
Berel says: "When I move to America, I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call me Berel anymore, they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says: "When I move to America, I'll also have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says: "I'm not moving".
Subject: 10 Ways to tell you've invited too many people to your Seder 10. You can't find anywhere out of sight to hide the afikomen
9. To recline while drinking the wine, you all have lean in unison
8. You have to sketch your living/dining room on graph paper
7. You have to use a microscope to divvy up the knaidlach
6. When you rotate the verses of "Echad Mi Yodea?", someone ends up singing "Who knows 39? I know 39"
5. You start looking at ads for closed circuit TV and auxiliary speakers
4. While waiting for everyone to wash their hands the second time, the matzah rises
3. Even the kids complain that they don't have enough maror
2. When you recite the names of the ten plagues, the locusts really ring a bell
1. When Elijah shows up, and you have to give him his wine "to go"
Subject: Israeli Ski Team. The Rise & Fall of the Israeli Ski Team
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20"gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!!!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived.
Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards put a mezuzah on each gate?"
Subject: The confessional. A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned.
I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?"
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?"
Man replies, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."
The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says,
"Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replies, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?"
Woman says "Once."
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three
for $5.00."
Subject: Wanna buy a watch? Yaakov, a up-and-coming inventor, is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Yaakov sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Yaakov brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Yaakov continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Yaakov. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Yaakov. "View recede ten," Yaakov says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Yaakov.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Yaakov stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Yaakov abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Yaakov after the stranger, who turns around warily. Yaakov points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."
Subject: Moishe comes back from the dead. Moishe Rabinovitz is very sick and in the hospital in Moscow. He dies and then comes back to life after being dead 72 hours. Instantly, he is a celebrity.
He is taken to Kremlin to a secret meeting with Secretary General. The secretary treats him to a a nice meal, and then says "Moishe, you've been to the other side, now tell me -- is there a god?" Moishe thinks for a minute, then says "Yes". The secretary hands him a check for $1,000,000 and tells him to leave the country and not to tell that to anyone - or else.
In a little while the pope finds out about Moishe and invites him to Vatican. He asks the same question, Moishe thinks for a minute, then says "No". The pope gives him $1,000,000 and also asks not to tell anyone.
Some time later, The President of the United States invites Moishe to the White House and asks him the same thing. Moishe thinks for a minute, then says "Yes, but he's black"
Subject: Mamma. Mrs. Bar-Lev picks up the phone.
"Hello?"
"Mama, Mama,I'm in a terrible state."
"Darling, darling, what is it?"
"Oh Mama, we're all snowed in, the car won't start, the children have the measles, I've got a cold, the house is a mess, I've got no milk and, worst of all, I've got 20 women from the club coming over for dinner. Oh Mama, Mama, what am I going to do?
Don't worry, sweetheart. Mama will sort it all out. I'll get the train and 2 buses and will walk the 2 miles from the bus stop to your house. On the way I'll buy some milk and food for tonight. I'll put the children to bed, clean up the house and make a nice meal for your friends. Don't worry --- everything will be alright ."
"Oh, Mama, thank you, thank you. But what about Dad? What will he do?"
"Dad? What dad? Your father's been dead for 2 years."
"Is this 993-0997?"
"No this is 933-0997!"
"Oh no! Does that mean you're not coming? "
Subject: Moses. When G'd wanted to give the commandments he first approached the arabs, but they declined because of the 9th commandment which said : "You shall not steal". The arabs could not accept not to steal.
Then G'd went to the Christians and asked whether they wanted he commandments they also declined because of the 7th commandment: "You shall not kill". No they said we like wars and pogroms etc... It will just not do.
The G'd went to Moses and the jews and asked them whether they wanted the commandments. Moses deliberated with Aaron and the others then went back and asked: "How much would it cost?" The answer was "Nothing".
Moses said: "Then give me two sets", and this is how Moses ended up with two sets.
Subject: Business. A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Torah and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Torah out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Torah will stay open at a particular page. Read the Torah and it will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Torah in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Torah. The wind rifles the pages of the Torah and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Torah and sees what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, the wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank him for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Torah brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Parsha Yud Aleph (Chapter 11)."
Subject: Viagra on Shabbat. Bet Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure ("boneh").
Bet Hillel says, do not read it as boneh, but rather as boner, and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown, as long as Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than an hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and the man's wife does not have a headache.
And what Brocha does he say before taking the pill? Some say, "Bo-rey pree ha-ets." Others say "Zokeif k'fufim." But the Halacha is, "Ya'aleh v'yavo."
Glossary:
Bet Shammai - "House of Shammai" the school of Shammai, a Talmudic Rabbi
Bet Hillel - the school of the Talmudic Rabbi Hillel, usually in opposition to Bet Shammai
Kabbalat Shabbat - prayers said before the Sabbath begins
Brocha - blessing
Bo-rey pree ha-ets - blessing over the fruit of the tree (i.e., wood)
Zokeif k'fufim - straightens those who are bent over (from the silent prayers - Amidah)
Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come
Subject: Holiday. G-d decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," G-d said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."
Another aide suggested Jupiter.
"No way," G-d replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."
A third advisor suggested Earth.
"That's the worst of all," G-d answered angrily.
"I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant!"
Subject: Missing Ballots in Florida. November 8, 2000 11:47 e.s.t.
(AP) 3,600 Ballots Missing in Florida Precinct
Sources close to the Gore/Lieberman campaign are reporting that approximately 3,600 ballots in a Miami Precinct have have been accidentally destroyed before counting.
The heavily Jewish Demographics of the district would favor Gore.
Sources report that the ballots may have been accidentally destroyed by Golda Schwartz, an 82 year old election commission volunteer. It is being reported that Golda may have inadvertently ground the ballots into her Gefilte Fish.
Representatives from both parties are currently sifting through Schwartz's gefilte fish. Both parties have agreed to do this without horseradish so as to avoid further contamination of the ballots.
Subject: The Statue. Chaim: I think they should erect a statue of Arafat in Times Square.
Yankel: A statue of Arafat? Are you crazy? Why?
Chaim: Three reasons:
1) It will give shade in the summer.
2) It will give shelter in the winter.
3) It will give the pigeons a chance to speak for everybody else.
Subject: Rabbi Problems. A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Rothenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
Subject: The Brisket. A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asks her mother why she did this.
The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.
The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket. "Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman... "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"
Subject: Jerusalem. According to reliable sources, Barak was instructed, before he left for Sharm-ah-shiach, to write over Jerusalem on his wife's name.
This way Arafat could not take it away from him.
Subject: Jerusalem. At the meeting in Sharm-ah-shiach Bill Clinton suggested that perhaps we can move the Kotel (western wall) to Tel Aviv so as to avoid confrontation.
He also pledged to cover all costs of the moving.
Subject: Jerusalem. A tourist once came to Israel with the intention of visiting the Kotel (Western Wall) but he forgot what it was called.
When he stepped into a taxi, he said to the driver "Can you please take me to the place where all Jews cry? Do you know where this is?"
The taxi driver answered "Beseder - I'll take you there".
He drove him straight to the taxation office.
Subject: Matzoh Ball Soup. The Lieberman's invited The Gore's for dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Joe announced, "This is Matzoh ball soup."
On seeing the 2 large Matzoh balls in the soup, Gore was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Lieberman's pressed Gore, "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of Matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
"That was delicious," Al said. "Can you eat any other parts of the Matzoh?"
Subject: Jonah and the Whale. A little girl was observed by her Rabbi waiting for her parents to come and pick her up. The Rabbi noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale."
Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation.
"What's that you have in your hand?", he asked.
"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered.
"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?"
The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!"
He inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big fish, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK?
You really believe all that can be true?"
She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Scriptures and we studied about it today!"
Then the Rabbi asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?"
She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The Rabbi then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in Heaven?"
She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"
Subject: The Six-Day War. With more and more papers being declassified, some light has just been shed on the real reason the Israelis won the Six-Day War.
It seems all the equipment was rented for one week.
Subject: Giving!!! Did you see in the news last week about how little money Dick Cheney gives to charity?
In contrast, it was just revealed that Joe Lieberman is the most charitable member of Congress. He gives his entire paycheck to Hadassah.
Subject: Jewish Widow. It's the yartzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave and place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.
She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site. Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."
"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name."
Subject: The Statue. Chaim: I think they should erect a statue of Arafat in Times Square.
Yankel: A statue of Arafat? Are you crazy? Why?
Chaim: Three reasons:
1) It will give shade in the summer.
2) It will give shelter in the winter.
3) It will give the pigeons a chance to speak for everybody else.
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinnochle team from the deli -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Oy vey!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."
"Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day. "Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Subject: Biblical Bumper Stickers. Adam: "You are what you eat".
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother".
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'".
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water".
Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land".
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years".
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding".
Subject: Palestinian Scientists Discover New Forms of Rock. PALESTINIAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW FORMS OF ROCK Ramallah, Oct. 27, 2000 -
In a statement released today by the PA, it was revealed unto the world that leading Palestinian scientists have discovered a new set of natural elements commonly mistaken as glass and petroleum (aka: molotov cocktails), or brass and lead (aka: bullets and shells), to actually be several new kinds of rock.
Marwan Barghouti, the internationally-known "face of relief" for the PA's Medical Relief Services, who moonlights in training a wholesome extra-curricular youth group known as the Tanzim, a division of the always-friendly Fatah faction, have been conducting field research in towns across Judea and Samaria, as well as at various junctures in the Gaza Strip.
Scientists across the Arab world agreed publicly with the findings earlier today, and a special summit of the Arab League is being called to condemn Israel for forcing the Palestinian youths to test the theory over and over again in practical exams.
Meanwhile, the PA has not opened the doors of its schools since September 28. Apparently, the head janitor lost the keys and someone threw the spare brass key towards Israeli soldiers. "I thought it was a rock," said the student, who wished to remain anonymous, but whose friends are calling him a hero for keeping them all focused on practical studies, rather than those pesky homework assignments where they would have to learn to engage in respectful dialogue to settle disputes.
Subject: Settling a Theological Dispute. So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Subject: The Troubles with Diamond Cleaners. Mrs. Feinstein found herself at an engagement far above her social status and was besieged by two high-toned ladies at the pool.
The first snoot said, "I have found the most marvelous place for cleaning my diamonds. It is done quickly and well, and the diamonds are returned on time. Truly, it is comforting to know that when you must wear your diamonds, they will have the proper fire."
The second snoot looked at her own jewel (she was wearing only one, for they were at the pool and the accent was on informality) and said, "You are indeed fortunate. I have had the largest jewelry firm in New York handling mine but I must admit I am not entirely satisfied. Of course, in he circles in which I move, standards are enormously high and it isn't always easy to find work done just so."
After a short pause, during which Mrs. Feinstein said nothing, one of the other women turned to her just a shade catlike and said, "And you, Mrs. Feinstein? How do you arrange to have your diamonds cleaned?"
To which Mrs. Feinstein responded, "It's not a problem at all. When my diamonds get dirty, I just throw them away."
Subject: Don't Believe All You Read. Nov.12, 2000
New U.N. Observer Force Set Up
by Hugh R. Bluff
(AP) In a surprise decision, U.N. Secretary General Koffi Annan, U.S. President Bill Clinton, and Prime Minister Ehud Barak have agreed that a U.N. Observer Force of 1,500 should be dispatched immediately to..... South Florida.
The crack contingent of Iraqi, Bosnian and Somali soldiers are being sent to prevent clashes between the rival political factions in the area, and to oversee the smooth running of the ballot recounts. President Clinton reluctantly agreed to this unprecedented step due to pressure exerted by Prime Minister Ehud Barak, who felt that it would boost Barak's political legacy if he could deliver a peaceful conclusion to the seemingly unsolvable Florida conflict.
It was also reported that Barak is worried about the local Jewish settler population who moved there fairly recently from outside the state. "It's one thing when Yesha residents are threatened, as they can take of themselves. But those elderly UJA donators are very important to me, given my low popularity rating back in Israel", Barak was reported to have said.
President Clinton, while agreeing to the intervention force, nevertheless requested another 48-hours to resolve the crisis. "If Barak can keep giving Arafat two-day breaks, three times already, why can't I?", he queried querulously.
Subject: Christmas is weird.
Christmas is weird. It's the time of year when our neighbors love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of their socks.
Subject: A Jewish Woman's Fantasy. In a recent Harris On-line poll, 38,562 Jewish men across the U.S. were asked to identify their wife's ultimate fantasy.
97.8% of the Jewish respondents said that their wife's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most of the husbands did not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
Subject: George W. The Chinese believe that George W. will win the election and visit there.
In fact, the chefs have already created a new dish in honor of his visit, called "Won Dum Goy."
Subject: Jaywalking in Jerusalem. The jaywalking problem reminded me of a time when my wife and I were on a visit to Jerusalem.
As we waited patiently at a busy intersection for the "walk" signal, a young man sped across the street against the light.
An elderly gentleman waiting with us turned and said sadly, "Two thousand years he's waiting for the true Messiah, and he can't wait for a light."
Subject: AIR SICKNESS. Aboard an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said,
"but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"
Subject: Who Wants to Be a Kosher Millionaire! Now, of course, you know all the Rules
YOU HAVE THREE LIFELINES to help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his Opinion.
2. You may ask the Congregation for their Opinion
3. You may consider your Wife's or Mother's Opinion... or not!
SO..... let's play "Who Wants to Be a Kosher Millionaire!"
Q: Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A: Netanyahoo.
Q: What's the name of facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A: Oil of Oy Vay.
Q: What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A: "Debby Does Dishes."
Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: "Plaintiff."
Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: "Your mother pays retail!"
Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become human?
A: When it graduates from med school.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft, and her nails long and beautiful?
A: Nothing, nothing at all.
Q: Define "Genius:"
A: A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
A: Genghis Cohen.
Q: Why did the Moyel retire?
A: He just couldn't cut it anymore.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Subject: Palm Beach Minyan. How many men do you need for a minyan in Palm Beach County?
None. You just have to determine that they intended to show up.
Subject: The Deli. An American Deli owner makes aliyah and decides to open a deli in Jerusalem.
On his first day in business, an Arab walks in and asks for a pastrami on rye "$200" says the owner. "Are you crazy??? just because I'm an Arab?" "Not at all. This is the best pastrami in the world." The man pays and agrees that it is the best he's ever eaten.
The next day, he returns with a friend. "2 pastrami on rye please." "That will be $500." "Again, you're cheating me because I'm Arab." "Not at all, this is the best pastrami in the world and the cost goes up without notice." The Arabs buy the sandwiches and leave.
The next day, the Arab returns, this time with twelve friends and orders 13 sandwiches. "That will be $3,900." This time, the Arabs just pay without a word and leave.
The next day, when 24 of them come to the store they see a sign "Arabs only please."
Subject: Lines. After an hour of standing in line at the bank, Chaim was furious. "I hate all this waiting!" he shouted to his wife. "I'm leaving. I'm going to kill Barak."
An hour later, he returned to the bank. "What happened?" asked his wife, who was still waiting in line.
"Nothing," said the unhappy man. "There was a longer line over there."
Subject: Phone Charges. The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, so indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course, refuses. The Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges are 100,000 lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.
After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel." The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!" The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
Subject: Popular Ruler. Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq, wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.
He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to him.
He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
Subject: Back from the Bible. The day after Gore conceded defeat, a sign was seen in West Palm Beach County, Florida, by a community center.
It read simply: "The last time our people listened to a Bush, our folks wandered in the desert for 40 years."
Subject: Rubens. Chaim Potok, an unlikely art connoisseur, telephoned his mother and told her that he had just bought a Rubens.
"Rubin? Rubin the delicatessen man?"
"No, Mama, Rubens is a painter," he explained kindly.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she said breathlessly. "Listen, Chaim, ask him how much he'll charge to paint the kitchen!"
Subject: Air Sickness. Aboard an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"
Subject: Science fiction. A professor of Modern English Literature was teaching a class at the university, in which he had just concluded three weeks of lectures on science fiction.
He had assigned readings by some of the best of the genre, and had lead some fascinating and in-depth discussions with his students on the works of Herbert, Asimov, Clarke, Wells, and several other noted authors of science fiction, even Douglas Adams.
To conclude the course's segment on science fiction he assigned the class a paper, on any topic they wished having to do with science fiction.
The next week, after the papers had been turned in, the professor was grading them and came across this paper:
There once was an Israeli border guard named Isaac. Several Arab terrorists crept over the border and killed Isaac.
When Isaac's commander found out what had transpired the previous night, he was furious, and the next night, he and his squad staged a raid in which several Arab border guards, including Abdul, were killed.
This, of course lead to Arab reprisals, which in turn lead to Israeli reprisals, which in turn... ad infinitum. Eventually, the Arabs and Israelis were at war.
Well, the professor read this paper, and being utterly confused, reread it, shook his head in disgust, and wrote a large "F" on it, in red ink, and then moved on to the next paper.
The next day, at the end of class, he handed back the papers, and as he was preparing to leave, the student who received the "F" approached and asked to speak with the professor.
"I don't understand why you didn't like my paper," the student said.
"It's very simple," the professor replied. "You were assigned to write a paper on science fiction. This paper has nothing whatsoever to do with the assigned subject."
"I must disagree," said the student. "I think that my paper examined the very basis of Zion's Friction."
Subject: Here's the brief facts on the Israeli Conflict. It makes sense and it's not slanted.
Jew and non-Jew - it doesn't matter.
Nationhood and Jerusalem:
Israel became a nation in 1312 B.C.E., two thousand years before the rise of Islam. Arab refugees in Israel began identifying themselves as part of a Palestinian people in 1967, two decades after the establishment of the modern State of Israel. Since the Jewish conquest in 1272 B.C.E. the Jews have had dominion over the land for one thousand years with a continuous presence in the land for the past 3,300 years. The only Arab dominion since the conquest in 635 C.E. lasted no more than 22 years. For over 3,300 years, Jerusalem has been the Jewish capital Jerusalem has never been the capital of any Arab or Muslim entity.
Even when the Jordanians occupied Jerusalem, they never sought to make it their capital, and Arab leaders did not come to visit.
Jerusalem is mentioned over 700 times in Tanach, the Jewish Holy Scriptures.
Jerusalem is not mentioned once in the Koran.
King David founded the city of Jerusalem.
Mohammed never came to Jerusalem.
Jews pray facing Jerusalem.
Muslims pray with their backs toward Jerusalem.
Arab and Jewish Refugees:
In 1948 the Arab refugees were encouraged to leave Israel by Arab leaders promising to purge the land of Jews.
Sixty-eight percent left without ever seeing an Israeli soldier. The Jewish refugees were forced to flee from Arab lands due to Arab brutality, persecution and pogroms. The number of Arab refugees who left Israel in 1948 is estimated to be around 630,000. The number of Jewish refugees from Arab lands is estimated to be the same. Arab refugees were intentionally not absorbed or integrated into the Arab lands to which they fled, despite the vast Arab territory. Out of the 100,000,000 refugees since World War II, theirs is the only refugee group in the world that has never been absorbed or integrated into their own peoples' lands. Jewish refugees were completely absorbed into Israel, a country no larger than the state of New Jersey.
The Arab - Israeli Conflict:
The Arabs are represented by eight separate nations, not including the Palestinians. There is only one Jewish nation. The Arab nations initiated all five wars and lost. Israel defended itself each time and won. The P.L.O.'s Charter still calls for the destruction of the State of Israel. Israel has given the Palestinians most of the West Bank land, autonomy under the Palestinian Authority, and has supplied them with weapons.
Under Jordanian rule, Jewish holy sites were desecrated and the Jews were denied access to places of worship. Under Israeli rule, all Muslim and Christian sites have been preserved and made accessible to people of all faiths.
The U.N. Record on Israel and the Arabs:
Of the 175 Security Council resolutions passed before 1990, 97 were directed against Israel. Of the 690 General Assembly resolutions voted on before 1990, 429 were directed against Israel.
The U.N. was silent while 58 Jerusalem Synagogues were destroyed by the Jordanians. The U.N. was silent while the Jordanians systematically desecrated the ancient Jewish cemetery on the Mount of Olives. The U.N. was silent while the Jordanians enforced an apartheid-like policy of preventing Jews from visiting the Temple Mount and the Western Wall.
Subject: The UN Security Council and Israel. I have been informed that the UN Security Council is planning another condemnation of Israel for the escalated unrest.
They are claiming that Israel has gone to the extreme in instigating matters in that prior to turning over the territories to the Palestinians, they did not exercise due care and remove all stones and rocks.
Subject: In-laws. Q: What's the similarity between in-laws and a lulav & esrog?
. . . (SCROLL DOWN FOR ANSWER)
. . . . . . . . .
A: You don't need them after a week!
Subject: Lieberman. A well-meaning gentile from Connecticut, upon getting to Washington on his vacation, is about to enter Senator Lieberman's office when a Capitol Building guard stops him.
"I'm sorry, Sir," the guard explained. "Senator Lieberman is doing Mincha and Mariv at this time."
The gentile walks away shaking his head, saying "Hmmm, Clinton only had Monica."
Subject: "Nu". President Clinton was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the CIA and FBI and asked them to figure it out. A week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called Shabbat, and they meet each other at the synagogue, and there is a code.
They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret:
"Nu?" When one says to other, "Nu?", the other tells him everything... every bit of news."
This Clinton wanted to see for himself. The secret service dressed him like a Hassid, and taught him to read from the right to the left of the Siddur.
Clinton arrived at a synagogue on Shabbat, and sat beside another religious man. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?" The man answered... "Shh, Clinton is coming!"
Subject: Children and Grandchildren. Molly and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.
Molly begins to tell Esther about her children. "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Molly says, "No children? ... and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"
Subject: Horse Racing. Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight.
Right before the first race, an Orthodox Rabbi visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing.
Charlie watched the horse race very carefully and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first!
Charlie followed the Rabbi before the next race and again, he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.
Charlie played hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The Rabbi continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races, Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the Rabbi and watched carefully which horse he blessed.
He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.
Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and, as they crossed the finish line, the horse that Charlie bet on, was dead last!
Charlie was crushed.
He located the Rabbi and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day and they all became winners, except for the last horse on which he had bet his life's savings.
Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse whom you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"
"That's the trouble with you Reformed Jews," sighed the Rabbi. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and Kaddish."
Subject: Wife. A young man has been working in his father's retail store for many years. He was an excellent worker and extremely dependable.
One day, he met a shiksa, fell head over heels in love with her and, after only two weeks, comes home from a date and informs his parents that he is going to marry her.
Not that the family was particularly religious and, maybe, for old-time's sake, they were very upset over the prospect of a goya for a daughter-in-law. They voiced their objections and the father looks his son in the eye and
tells him that she, the shiksa, will ruin his life.
As it goes with young people, he marries her anyway and off they go on a week-long honeymoon. The following Saturday, as was the practice, the father came to the store late only to find that the son wasn't there to open up... so he did. He decided not to say anything to his wife (after all, the kid was on his honeymoon). The entire week goes by and the son is in and prompt every day. Comes Saturday, again, the son isn't at work and the father opens the store. He says, to himself "Well, I'll let it go... after all, it is a new thing". The following week the son is even more than prompt... until Saturday. This time, the father calls his son's house and begins to tell the kid off... "Wait a minute dad, my wife decided, on our honeymoon, that she was going to convert to Judaism and that she was going to follow orthodox practices... she won't let me work on Shabbos."
"See", said the father "I told you that the shiksa would ruin your life".
Subject: The Emergency Room Visit. I am a doctor and an orthodox Jew. I am accustomed to wearing a yarmulke (head covering).
One night, I was called to the ER for a woman with pelvic pain. After performing a full pelvic examination, I informed her that surgery was necessary and left to make the arrangements.
The nurse entered and asked, "Did the doctor explain everything to your satisfaction?"
The woman replied "I haven't seen the doctor yet".
The nurse said, "But I thought I spoke to him about you."
The woman answered, "No, the only person who's been in here is a Rabbi".
Subject: Quote of the Decade. "Stop being afraid. There is no danger that these guns will be used against us. The purpose of this ammunition for the Palestinian police is to be used in their vigilant fight against the Hamas. They won't dream of using it against us, since they know very well that if they use these guns against us once, at that moment the Oslo Accord will be annulled and the IDF will return to all the places that have been given to them. The Oslo Accord, despite what the opposition claims, is not irrevocable."
-Yitzchak Rabin
Subject: Found dead. Morris the shmattes mogul was found dead in his office, a frightened look on his face.
In his hand he was clutching a receipt for a mink his wife had bought ... at the full retail price!
Subject: Diet Guide. The Yo-yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays.
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.
Subject: Max the Handyman. Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.
After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections."
First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!
Subject: New members for Daf Yomi. The word in the Beis Mesdresh is that (Israel's P.M.) Ehud Barak joined Daf Yomi.
He heard it takes seven and a half years, but after that you're finished with SHAS.
Subject: Who Wants To Be A Jewish Millionaire? $100
Which of these names is least likely to be found at temple?
A. Cohen
B. Rosenberg
C. Schwartz
D. Christensen
$200
The term "Bloomies" refers to
A. Underpants
B. A wonderful store
C. Flowers
D. The British
$300
The person your therapist is most likely to hear about is
A. Your boss
B. Your roommate
C. Your mother
D. Your dog
$400
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One
B. Four
C. Three
D. None, I'll just sit here in the dark.
$500
The most disturbing thing about the TV show "Friends" is
A. Monica needs a meal
B. Rachel needs a haircut
C. Joey needs a brain
D. Ross and Monica are siblings, but Monica is so obviously gentile and Ross is so obviously Jewish.
$1,000
You should call your mother
A. Every single day
B. Weekly
C. Monthly
D. Annually
$2,000
Your son will least likely be
A. A doctor
B. A lawyer
C. A fireman
D. A rabbi
$4,000
House robe is to Slippers as Little Black Dress is to
A. Heels
B. Sandals
C. Sneakers
D. A Nice Pair of Prada Slides
$8,000
Murphy Brown's producer was
A. Miles Silverberg
B. Simon Goldenstein
C. Brian Rosengold
D. David Bergsteiner
$16,000
Which of the following comedians is not Jewish but could be?
A. Jon Stewart
B. Billy Crystal
C. Robin Williams
D. Ben Stiller
$32,000
Fill in the blank: During the summer, I go _____ the shore.
A. Up
B. To
C. See
D. Down
$50,000
What popular game is played by many Jewish college students?
A. Chutzpah and Ladders
B. Pin the Tallis on the Rabbi
C. Go Gefilte Fish
D. Jewish Geography
$100,000
Which of the following is not a traditional bagel variety?
A. Poppy
B. Sesame
C. Onion
D. Asagio Cheese
$250,000
Which food is least likely to appear in a Jewish Deli?
A. A Knish
B. Matzoh Ball Soup
C. Corned Beef on Rye
D. Beef Wellington
$500,000
When preparing a meal for a family of five, the actual number of people
you should prepare food for is:
A. 5
B. 6
C. 8
D. The population of Long Island.
$1,000,000
What celebrity told Oprah her favorite present was a mezuzah she got from her grandmother?
A. Sally Field
B. Gwyneth Paltrow
C. Cameron Diaz
D. Angelina Jolie
ARE THESE YOUR FINAL ANSWERS? CHECK THEM AGAINST THE ANSWER KEY BELOW.
$100=D
$200=B
$300=C
$400=D
$500=D
$1,000=A
$2,000=C
$4,000=D
$8,000=A
$16,000=C
$32,000=D
$50,000=D
$100,000=D
$250,000=D
$500,000=D
$1,000,000=B
Subject: With Hashem on our side. A highway police spots two hassidic youngsters riding a motorcycle; they are unmistakably hassidic: yarmulke, payoth, tsittsits, the works. He is unmistakably a bigot. So he follows them intending to issue a summon.
After a long ride on the highway, off the highway, on the side streets etc... he could not find anything wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
"I have been following you for a long time watching every move and hoping to catch you with some violation, any violation. But you guys are perfect. How is it possible?"
They replied: "Hashem is with us."
"That's it!" exclaimed the patrolman, "three people on a motorcycle is a violation!"
Subject: Take Me Out to the Ball Game...in Yiddish. Here's something no Jew can live without!
So, here is Take Me Out to the Ball Game...in Yiddish.
Nem Mikh Mit Tsu der Ball Geym (Take Me Out to the Ball Game)
by Jack Norworth and Albert von Tilzer
Nem mikh mit tsu der ball geym
(Take me out to the ballgame)
Tsum oylem lomir dokh geyn
(Take me out to the park)
Koyf mir di nislekh un krekerjek
(Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack)
Vil ikh keyn molfun dort nit avek
(I don't crae if I never get back)
Git zey mut, mut, mut, di ball shpiler
(For it's root, root, root for the home team)
Es past nit az men farshpilt
(If they don't win, it's a shame)
Vayls'iz eyns, tsvey, dray strikes, un oys
(For it's one, two, three strikes you're out)
Bay der beysball shpil
(At the old ballgame)
Shpil Ball!
(Play Ball!)
Subject: And God created Israel!!! On the sixth day, G-d turned to the Angels and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kinds of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."
G- d continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Israelis, and they shall be known to all the people on earth."
"But Lord," asked the Angels, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
"Not really," God replied, "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."
Subject: Seen in a Window in Tel Aviv. COUNTRY FOR SALE!
Country, in excellent condition, '48 model, complete overhaul in '67, accident in '73, steering wheel not functioning, pulls to the left.
Incredibly cheap. Immediate delivery. Call Government of Israel - ask for Ehud.
Subject: The Mezuzot. A wealthy Jewish Englishman buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished the Jewish man is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten something to put mezuzot on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door apart from bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly; however, when he comes back a few hours later the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says to the Jewish guy: "Glad you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in the little boxes and left them on the table for you."
Subject: Released from prison. Mom : [Calls up her son on the phone] How are you feeling today son?
Baal Teshuvah : Thank G-d mom, I'm very happy, the Alter Rebbe was released from prison today!
Many months later:...
Mom : [Calls son again] Hello son, it's your mom, how are things going these days?
Baal Teshuvah : Mom, I'm so happy, the Frierdicher Rebbe was released from prison today! It's a very auspicious day!
Mom : [confused] Hmmmmmm
Almost a year after first phone call...
Mom : [Calls up son] Son, its been 5 months since we've talked...nhow are you, my boy!!!
Baal Teshuvah : Mom, I'm so happy!!! Today, the Mitteler Rebbe was released from prison!!!
Mom : Son, I think it's wonderful this new religious inspiration you've had in the past few years, but I have to tell you that I'm starting to worry about these people you've been hanging out with.
Subject: Bacon. Lloyd succombed to eating bacon one day. He felt so remorseful that he had nightmares and couldn't sleep at all for a whole week. In the end he became quite depressed about it. He decided to go and see the rabbi.
"Hmm..," said the rabbi, "you must start regularly attending shul, and after each prayer during the day you must say three chapters of tehillim."
Lloyd agreed. As soon as he could he went to shul and joined in the Mincha prayers. Then he sat down on a bench, picked up a sefer and started to read his three chapters of tehillim. Lloyd couldn't help noticing a chassidic man sitting next to him, with the full garb - black hat, payot, long beard, dressed in a black frock coat. The chassid was also reading from the sefer tehillim, but not three, it looked like 10 or more the way he was whizzing through them, no it was forty chapters!
Lloyd was shocked. He thought to himself, "Such a pious Jew, with his black hat, payot and beard - and he could eat so much bacon!"
Subject: A Moral Question. The situation. You are in the Middle East and there is a huge flood. Homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You are taking photographs for a news service, travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Yasser Arafat who has been swept away by the flood waters. He is hanging on to the branch of a tree and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the branch.
So here's the question, and think carefully before you answer it:
What lens would you use?
Subject: Sermon. A rabbi delivers a sermon of monumental depth and pith that lasted nearly one hour. As soon as he finishes, the president walks up to him and tells him that, since he is a newspaper editor, he could assure that the sermon would make it into print. However, he would have to reduce it into the written equivalent of half the time that it took to deliver.
"No problem" says the rabbi. "I'll reduce it to fit."... and he does.
The article appears and another member of the Shul Board, who is a TV producer, invites the rabbi to deliver it on the air... BUT... he had only a five minute spot. "No problem" says the rabbi. "I can reduce it to fit the time slot."... and he does.
At the end of the TV show, the producer says to the rabbi "that was a wonderful sermon. Beautifully written and delivered but tell me something, please. If you could reduce it to fit the article and the TV spot... why, the heck, did you waste 55 minutes of our precious Shabbat sleep time?"
Subject: The Jew and The Pope. After having waited for an audience for quite a while, a Jew is finally allowed to see the Pope.
"Is it not true that you are the Messenger of G-d on Earth?" asks the Jew.
"Yes it is, my son. How can I help you?" says the Pope.
"Well you know, I own a little restaurant back in Jerusalem. I have inherited it from my father, who had it from his father, and so and so on. So the other day I was going through my balance, when I noticed something was not right."
"Yes, my son? What was it?" asks the Pope.
"Well, I have an unpaid bill for thirteen persons dated year 1, A.D."
Subject: Jacob's Coat. As we were studying the parsha at our dinner table, I asked my daughter:
"Kayla, Yaakov gave his son Yoseph a coat, right."
"Right aba."
"Did Yaakov give a coat to Yoseph's brothers, too"
"No."
"So Kayla, Yoseph got a coat and his brother's didn't get a coat. How do you think the brother's felt?"
"Cold."
Subject: Blessing for Dinner. A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Subject: The Attack. An army of Syrian soldiers, comprising tanks, mortar, infantry are traveling down the Golan heights to attack Israel. They come over the top of a hill, and down below is a small Jew yelling at them.
"Hey Abdul, I'm here and waiting. Nu, send me a few of your best." The Syrian commander angrily orders a group of infantry to attack. After the dust settles, there's the Jew laughing. "That's the best you got? I seen tougher soldiers by the Hadassah Bazaar."
Enraged, the Syrian commander turns to his top Colonel telling him to take a platoon of tanks and kill the pest. Again the dust settles, and again only the little Jew is left standing. "That's it?" he yells, "That's the best you could do? With this you'll be lucky if you could defeat a girl scout group."
The Syrian commander is beside himself with anger. He's about to take his entire army to attack. Just then one of the wounded Syrian soldiers, lying on the battle field, lifts his head and yells to his commander "Go back, go back! It's a trap, there are two of them."
Subject: Drop dead. Six Jewish men were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell his wife?"
They draw straws.
Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg schleps over to the Meyer's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "Okay, I'll tell him."
Subject: The Special. A wealthy, recently retired couple from New York City, Mr. & Mrs. Abe Rabinowitz now living in Boca Raton, Florida, were getting ready to go out to dinner. Mrs. Zelda Rabinowitz came out of the bedroom and said to Abe,
"Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci one?"
"Do I care?" he replied. A few minutes later Zelda, again, came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe, shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
"Who gives a damn?" said Abe. A few more minutes passed and, again, Zelda came out of the bedroom and said to her husband, "Abe darling, shall I wear my five carat pear diamond ring or my six carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"
Abe responded, "Hey, I really don't give a crap, but if you don't get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the early bird special."
Subject: Driving in Israel. Basic Rules For Driving In Israel:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Israeli driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
5. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The car is from the "Territories" and you run the risk of getting shot.
7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in Israel, except where the police have placed "dummy" cameras.
10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Israeli driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
11. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Tel Aviv. This does not mean that the moron behind you doesn't want you to move faster.
12. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
13. Learn to swerve abruptly. Israel is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Public Works Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. See 3 and 4 above.
15. Remember that the goal of every Israeli driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
16. Real Israeli women drivers can apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
17. Real Israeli men drivers can use their cell-phone, argue with the back seat passenger and reprimand the driver next to him in sign language, at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic. (See 18 below).
18. In Israel, flipping someone the bird is considered to be abject lunacy. This gesture will likely result in your getting seriously beaten up as soon as the subject of your salute has finished ramming your car or firing randomly into it with his handgun (Israeli) or automatic rifle (Arab).
Subject: The Vet. Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the tzedukah box in the shul. This went on for weeks until the Rabbi, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Mrs. Ginzburg, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the tzedukah box," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the shul."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
Subject: Appetite. Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench. "Gertrude I don't understand something. I simply have no appetite lately. No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite."
The second lady said, "Listen dalink, my doctor once told me if I didn't have an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before the meal and an appetite would develop. So I tried it and it was true. So take my advice and try a little piece of herring before lunch and you'll see, you'll develop an appetite."
A few days later the two meet in the park again. "Nu, Gertrude, how do you feel now? Did the herring give you an appetite?"
The second lady sighed, "I tried your system. First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance so I ate six herrings. My dalink friend, it doesn't work. Would you believe, when lunch time came, I had absolutely no appetite!"
Subject: Jewish Football Player. A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport.
The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
Subject: Biblical Viagra. There are differing school of thought on whether you can take Viagra on Shabbat:
Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of "erecting a structure" (boneh).
Beit Hillel permits ingestion of Viagra before sundown as long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than 1/2 hour to complete, the kids are asleep and the wife doesn't have a headache.
And what Bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of four blessings:
1. Borai p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree
2. Baruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - straightens those who are bent
3. Baruch Atah HaShem ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come
4. Baruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - raises the dead
Subject: Jewish bridal choice. A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Subject: Meshulach. A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person's door and when the gentleman of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, "Shalom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein, I'm collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution..."
The homeowner replies, "The name is Gold, not Goldberg, and I am not Jewish."
"Are You sure?" asks the Meshulach.
"Sir, I positive." replies the homeowner.
"But," says the meshulach, "It says here that you're Jewish, and my records are never wrong."
"I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish", replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.
"Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong, you must be kidding me, are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands the Meshulach.
"For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alevah shalom, wasn't Jewish either."
Subject: An optimist, a pessimist and a realist. An optimist, a pessimist and a realist are having a drink together in a Tel Aviv bar. Inevitably, the conversation turns to the current political situation.
The optimist starts by stating that we should all start learning English, so that when the time comes, we can go live in America.
The pessimist argues that we should all be learning Arabic, so that when the time comes, we can stay where we are.
The realist turns around to them and says:" you're both wrong, we should be learning to swim."
Subject: Arafat in Bronze. A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story, "said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Arafat."
Subject: WELCOME. Moishe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window
"ARABS NOT WELCOME".
A couple of days later, a person of Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich. So the cashier quickly runs into Moishe office asking what to do.
Moishe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he says "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him."
No sooner said than done.
But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch.
Moishe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!"
The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening.
Moishe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!"
The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously.
So the next day Moishe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."
Subject: Dying. At the conclusion of the physical exam, the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a very grave look on his face.
"I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you've only got about 6 Months to live."
"Oh my God" gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said, "Listen Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Fred explained that he had been a bachelor his whole life.
"You might think about taking a wife", the doctor proposed. "After all you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
"That's a good point Doc," mused Fred. "And with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl? How come?" asked Fred.
"It'll seem longer."
Subject: Turbulence.
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a Lubavitcher chosid sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Rabbi, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management..."
Subject: OH, TO BE JEWISH!
OH, TO BE JEWISH!
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Subject: Crucifixes.
Abie and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East Side. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester or Long Island and the Puerto Ricans were moving in. "Abie, ve haff to move to Scarsdale," said Moishe. "Ve can't. Diss neighborhood iz our life. Ve've been here for toity-tree years. Maybe Ve can start stockink Ketholic articles too." "Vat? Ketholic articles? Ve're Jews. No Ketholic articles."
Well a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallises, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Mioshe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he said to Abie, "OK, call the Ketholic supply house on Park Avenue."
"Hello, Ketholic supply house on Park Avenue? Diss is Abie and Moishe's on Delancey Street. I vant 200 daily missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of dose beats, vat you call em, Rosaries?, and a gross of crucifixes."
"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 200 daily missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of Rosaries and 100 crucifixes. Now, tell me, however, dese crucifixes. Is it mit or mitout de Jesusels?"
Subject: Operator.
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."
He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."
She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."
He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.
Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."
He says, "Vy?"
They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."
He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?"
He goes to the telephone and dials.
"Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"
She says, "Yes?"
He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya...!"
Subject: Cantor.
A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
Subject: Another Jewish Conversation.
Four men together:
#1: Oy!
#2: (after a long pause) Oy vey!
#3: (after an even longer pause) Nu?
#4: Look, if you guys won't stop discussing politics, I'm leaving!
Subject: Marriage.
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Subject: Viagra!
Bubby & Zayde are visiting the kinder overnight when Zayde finds a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. Asks his son about using one of the pills and the son says, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"Vifful cust?" asks the Zayde.
"$8.00 a pill", answers the son.
"I don't care," says Zayde, "I'd like to try one out. I'll pay you tomorrow when I go to the bank."
The next morning the son finds $108.00 on his dresser.
The son says to the Zayde, "I told you each pill was $8.00."
"I know," says Zayde, "the extra hundred is from your Bubba."
Subject: Mazel Tov. Swampy Marsh, the young father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby.
He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one."
Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.
Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later."
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way.
White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score.
When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck."
Subject: Apikores. An apikores is walking past a Shul one night - where the crowd were having a little dance - after Kiddush levono.
He asked: "Why are you dancing?"
They answered: "We have just said the brocho on the new moon."
"And," asked the apikores, "you always dance when saying a brochoh?
What about 'Asher Yotzar' - do you dance when you say 'Asher Yotzar'?"
Someone responded: "If you only said 'Asher Yotzar' once a month - you'd also dance..."
Subject: Uses for Old Macaroons. 1) Float them in chicken soup as tropically-inspired Caribbean matzo balls.
2) Hold an extra Seder and point to the Macaroons. Say,"these are the cookies of affliction."
3) Crumble them into your bird feeder and get rid of those pesky feathered nuisances once and for all.
4) Do what the grocery stores do - save them for next year.
More please...
Subject: K-O-O-B. We were baby-sitting for my grandkids and my wife was playing a word game with cards with the five-year-old.
The little one had just drawn her second "O," and was trying to make a word with the other letters she had. She put them together in front of her, switching the letter cards and looking for a word she knew.
Then with a triumphal cry, she said "Look Grandma, I made a word!"
When my wife looked at her cards, she had lined up the cards to spell K-O-O-B.
She asked, "What kind of word is 'koob'"?
"No Grandma, you're not saying it right -- it says 'book'."
Beckie had a sinking feeling. Has the little one got dyslexia, she wondered? She said gently, "But, darling, you've spelled it backwards!"
With a sigh reserved for dumb adults, she explained, "Of course I have, I'm Jewish!"
Subject: Miracle. A doctor who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady completely bent over in half walked in with cane in hand. She walked into the doctors office, and emerged within a half hour walking completely erect with her head back.
I couldn't believe my eyes so I walked up to the little old lady and said "It's a miracle. You walked in bent in half & now your walking erect. What did the Doctor do?"
She answers "Miracle, Shmiricle - he gave me a longer cane."
Subject: Where were the adults? At the Hebrew School, the new teacher finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Morah (teacher)," announced little Yossi, "there's somethin' I can't figure out."
"What's that Yossi?" asked the teacher.
"Well accordin' to the Torah, the Children of Israel were enslaved in Egypt, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," the teacher agreed. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Yossi. "All this time what were the grown-ups doing?"
Subject: Japanese. Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house. The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."
Hirokosan can't believe his ears, and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan. She is doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."
Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith".
His wife replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such mishigass?"
Subject: The Mitzvah. A very good and pious Jewish, Samuel Goldberg, man dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.
When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time...nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than G-d, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."
The angel thought for a moment and then said, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."
The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his apartment. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 85 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his apartment. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.
Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on.
Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've just done."
Subject: Mr. Schwartz XX. Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX".
He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man.
One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three XXX's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!"
Subject: Marriage. Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face.
"I'll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
Subject: Top 53 Reasons I Love Israel. Here, in no particular order, is the list:
- It is a holy land, a gift from the Almighty.
- Every taxi driver is a political pundit.
- The weddings burst with joy and everyone is invited.
- The whole country is cleaning for Passover and I can smell it in the air.
- The topography allows me to sun on the beach of Eilat in the morning, and ski on Mount Hermon the same evening.
- When I visit the Tomb of the Patriarchs in Hebron, I realize no other people in the world has such deep roots.
- Israel is the only place that is my true home. Everywhere else is just temporary.
- Burger King and Kentucky Fried Chicken are Kosher!
- The heightened sense of holiness that you feel with every step you take while you are in Israel.
- The beauty of the Land of Israel from the deserts of the Negev to the mountains and valleys of the Galil and the Golan; from the coastal plains to the hills of Jerusalem the geography of Israel is incredibly diverse. And the beauty of Jerusalem especially the sun shining on the Jerusalem stone.
- It's the only place in the world where the seas, sand, wind, sky, rain, hills, desert speak to you in Psalms. The clouds and crevices in the rocks look like Hebrew letters. The Land speaks the words of the Almighty.
- Israel is the only place where a Jew doesn't have to take off school or work in order to keep Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and the other holidays.
- The history, the grandeur of the past can be seen everywhere you turn; and, at the same time, you realize that you are a part of the history that is unfolding before your very eyes.
- Israel is the place where we can fully be Jews, and walk proudly in the streets without fear of being discriminated.
- Ben Yehuda Street -- where better to go when you want to feel like you're in both Israel and the U.S.A.? A great mix of both cultures, with new experiences awaiting you with every turn you take.
- It's the only place in the world you can get a decent Krembo.
- The freedom to talk to God wherever and whenever without being thought of as crazy.
- In no other place in the world are there garbage men with their tzitzit hanging out.
- I felt God's presence in Israel all around me, especially in Jerusalem. Miracles occur daily.
- You don't have to travel long distances to see every topographical region. The desert, the Mediterranean, the mountains, Lake Kinneret, the Dead Sea. Everything exists in Israel, more beautifully than any place else in the world.
- The Kotel, the Western Wall.
- The soldiers.
- The vast majority feel deeply others' pain and joy. There is a unique sense of being part of a single community, which leads most people to feel together, whether in a time of sadness or happiness.
- Meeting others from all over, yet having the same common denominator our faith.
- December 25 is a completely ordinary day: people just going about their business. And December is a completely ordinary month. Xmas could come and go and you might not even notice it.
- Living in the States I sometimes feel like I don't belong, but in Israel I felt a sense of belonging and with other people sharing the same religion and culture. Being in Israel is being home. There is a great degree of comfort being in the land that God gave to us.
- Under Jewish rule, Israel is a free nation. It is significant to many religions and under Jewish rule all are free to visit and view the sites most dear to them. This would not be true under any other form of government and the history books reveal this to be true.
- Despite the recent violence, I felt safer in Israel than I do at my home in the United States, and I would not hesitate to come back with my children. I could walk the streets at night without fear, despite being unable to read or speak the language, which is something I would never do at home.
- The pages of the Bible come to life here, making it all so very real.
- Unlike New York or any other place in the world, I actually CARE what happens in Israel. Any person who dies, or is hurt, or was saved, is my brother or sister. I feel their happiness and pain as if they're part of my own body, or my own family.
- Falafel makes me happy!
- The diversity of the people. Not only do they represent so many different religions (and sects within these religions), but they come from all over the world, speak more languages than I can count, and yet all have an incredible love for the land.
- The only foreign country you can visit, and feel totally at home.
- Israel proves that anything is possible in this world.
- That you don't have to think twice about wearing a kippa to work.
- Every stone has its individual history, and it is a land full of beauty and prosperity.
- In Israel, I am not an observer of Jewish destiny in a strange country. Here, we are creating Jewish destiny.
- It's the place where God's presence can be felt more intensely than anywhere on earth.
- Israel is the embodiment of every Jew's hopes and dreams come true. It is God's very promise to us come true, our Homeland.
- I love the beauty and the ever-changing scenery that surrounds you.
- The amazingly delicious food produce that is the best in the world (even the fresh stuff from California, where I reside, pales in comparison). Other ethnic treats include melawach, jachnun, kubaneh, shwarma, and falafel.
- I love the hustle and the bustle of the people, their language and emotional manner.
- I am astounded by the growth and dynamics of its technological advances. Israel is one of the most vibrant countries in the world that is a leader in medicine, science, agriculture and in blending the past with the present and the future.
- Everyone talks on the buses.
- The State of Israel, its people and the Jewish people around the world are the ultimate survivors in a world filled with Jew hatred. No group of people in the history of mankind have faced Inquisitors, ghettos, pogroms, the Holocaust, quota systems, and various restrictions, etc. Despite every attempt to eradicate the Jewish people and the State of Israel, our people have survived and made extraordinary contributions to mankind.
- It keeps me constantly connected to my Judaism and "my people"! I have recently returned from a brief visit to Israel, and I love it even more now than before.
- It's the land where God has placed His name.
- I was most amazed at the profusion of flowers growing amid rocks, and green grass in what once was desert.
- I love the people of Israel's diversity, resilience, humanity and ingenuity.
- Dancing in the streets of Jerusalem during Sukkot.
- Middle Eastern hospitality. The people are so kind and generous.
- The ability to keep dozens of mitzvot that you can't do anywhere else.
- Only 53 reasons? With 5 million Jews, there are 5 million things I love about Israel!
Subject: Bar Mitzvah Definition. A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
Subject: Phone Call to Arafat. Prime Minister Ariel Sharon phones Arafat and asks why he can't stop the violence, to which Arafat replies:
"Stop the violence? I can't even stop my lips from moving."
Subject: Sefira. A ba'al teshuva comes home one night during sefira after a long day at the office, and asks his wife, "What's for dinner tonite?"
His wife responds, "Last night we had chicken."
Subject: Italian and Jewish Mother. What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son won't eat her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't eat her cooking?
The Italian mother kills her son.
The Jewish mother kills herself.
Subject: Convert. A Jew converts to Christianity. The next morning, his wife sees him in the living room wearing his tefillin (phylacteries) and praying in Hebrew.
"I thought you were a Christian now," she tells him.
"Oy," he says, smacking his head. "Goyishe kop."
Subject: Hamas and Arafat. A bearded man, obviously a Hamas member, and his son enter the office of the PA. They see a photo of Arafat on the wall, and the son asks: "Isn't this the guy you are always cursing, Dad?"
The father then says very loudly: "Whose kid is this?"
Subject: Heart attack. A Rabbi suffers a severe heart attack and is confined to the hospital for several weeks. The synagogue's president pays him a visit.
"I want you to know, Rabbi, that last night the board of directors voted a resolution wishing you a speedy recovery.
And it passed, twelve to nine!"
Subject: Lightning. A reporter, interviewing Rabbi Seligman, after a bolt of lightning has struck the synagogue roof and sent it crashing down into ruins, asked, "Rabbi, what was your reaction when you saw the terrible devastation?"
"My first reaction?" The rabbi chuckled, "I thought thank goodness we took out insurance against acts of God."
Subject: Inside Israel News. Arafat is in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud explosion inside his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face bloodied, and they ask "What happened, Mr. Chairman?"
"A letter bomb" exclaimed the injured despot.
"But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth" replied one of his experienced men.
"I was sealing it." said Mr. Arafat.
Subject: Miracles. "Wow," Jake said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"
"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved."
"Oh," said Jake. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"
Subject: Culinary Commentary. President Kennedy had sent one Dr. Louis Finkelstein, an Orthodox rabbi, as a U.S. delegate at the coronation of Pope Paul VI.
On his way to Rome, Rabbi Finkelstein stopped in Paris. While there, some of the Parisian rabbis took him only to kosher restaurants.
Dr. Finkelstein said to some of his friends, "I can't understand all this fuss people make about French cooking. We have the same things at home!"
Subject: Yeshiva Crew Team. Administrators at Yeshiva College in New York to enhance the physical fitness of their students decided to add the sport of crew racing.
Alas, week after week the team not only lost, but finished dead last. In desperation the coaches decided to send a spy up to Cambridge, Mass. to observe the Harvard team. Moishe was sent.
On his return Moishe was asked if he found the answer to their problems. He replied: "They use eight guys for rowing and only one man for shouting!"
Subject: Gambling. A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
Subject: Moral question. The situation:
You are in the Middle East and there is a huge flood.
Homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed.
You are taking photographs for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.
You come across Yassir Arafat who has been swept away by the flood waters.
He is hanging on to the branch of a tree and is about to go under.
You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the branch.
So here's the question, and think carefully before you answer it:
Subject: Mental Patient. Morris Cohen was a patient in a mental institution and he argued long and hard that he must be served only kosher food.
Finally, sick of arguing with him and unable to avoid the extra work and expense, the director of the institution acquiesced and for much expense he had kosher meals specially prepared daily.
Some time later, on the Sabbath, the director was strolling around the grounds, when he came upon Cohen sitting in a chair and smoking a cigar.
"Wait a minute, Cohen," he said. "I thought you were so religious that we had to bring in special food for you. And now you are smoking on the Sabbath!! What a hypocrite!!!"
"But doctor," Cohen replied. "Did you forget? I'm meshuggah."
Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Lubavitcher Teen Is In Trouble. 10. Sometimes gets out of bed on shabbos before 9 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without sheitels or snoods.
8. Shows up at farbrangens in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Menachem Mendel, but he goes by "M Square Daddy"
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese -- OU, but not cholov yisroel.
1. He's wearing his black hat backwards.
Subject: Two bagels. It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Mollie."
"Mollie is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
Subject: Kebabs. Two Palestinians, Abdul and Mustapha, have competing restaurants next door to each other in downtown Gaza. Naturally, they both specialize in kebabs. Abdul's establishment is highly successful with long queues of customers who can't get enough of his kebabs. On the other hand, Mustapha's business is struggling badly. On the rare occasion a customer ventures in for a kebab he never comes back a second time.
Mustapha is despairing that he can't make a living. But he has a bright idea. He arranges for his cousin Hussein to take a job in the kitchen of Abdul's restaurant, his mission - to find out the ingredients that go into these highly popular kebabs.
After a week, Hussein returns to his cousin declaring triumphantly that he has the information. "Well, out with it already,what does he put in those kebabs?" asks Abdul. "I'll tell you", replies Mustapha, "it's 50% camel shit and 50% meat!"
"Aha!" shrieks Abdul, "so that's his secret,... he adds meat!"
Subject: The Party. In the mid 60's a US Navy cruiser put in to port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
Dear Captain:
Thursday, will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party.
I would like to invite four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers from your cruiser.
They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies.
One last point: No Jews - We don't like Jews here.
***
Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers.
Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"Oh no, Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen NEVER make mistakes."
Subject: Exodus. As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water.
Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
Subscribe to Harry's FREE REGULAR OR JEWISH jokes via email here.
Rabbis and Apikorsim.
Top