Subject: Abraham.
Q: Why did God test Abraham with sacrificing his only son, Isaac, when Isaac was only 12?
A: Because had Isaac been 16, Abraham may have actually gone through with it.
Subject: Kharkov.
Berelya, the butcher of a little town in the heart of the Pale of Settlement, and a scrupulous observer of religious injunctions, was busily engaged in his shop when a stranger entered and introduced himself as the new salesman.
"Where are you from?" asked Berelya, nothing the visitor's stylish suit.
"Born and raised in Kharkov," replied the salesman.
"Is that so?" exclaimed the butcher who had never been more than twenty-five miles from his village. "How many Jews are there in Kharkov?"
"Well, I'd say about fifty thousand."
"Hmmmm, that is indeed a large number of Jews to be in one place. By the way, how many gentiles are there in your city?"
"Somewhere in the neighborhood of a million."
Berelya's mouth fell open in amazement. "A million!" he finally gasped.
"What possible use can only 50,000 Jews have for a million gentiles?"
Subject: You're being unreasonable.
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Subject: Resolution.
Two sons were left a large piece of property by their father. For months they fought over how the land should be divided. Finally, they brought their problem to their rabbi and asked him to solve it.
"Come back tomorrow," said the rabbi, "and we'll talk."
The next day the sons returned and the rabbi gave them his solution.
"Toss a coin," he said to one of the brothers. "You call it, heads or tails," he said to the other. "The one who wins the toss, divides the land."
"That's no solution," said one of the brothers. "We're right back where we started from."
"Not so," said the rabbi. "The one who wins the toss divides the land;
but the other gets first choice."
Subject: Lieberman.
Possible ramifications of Lieberman being a heartbeat away from the Oval Office.
1) National Anthem changed to "Sunrise, Sunset".
2) We all have to go the White House once a week for dinner -and bring something from the bakery.
3) Martin Sheen replaced on "West Wing" by Gary Shandling.
4) New Secretary of State - Barbara Streisand.
5) National symbol changed from bald eagle to "The Early Bird".
6) Annual Easter Egg Hunt changed to "Find the Matzoh Ball".
7) "Hail to the Chief" replaced with "Get A Load of the Big Macher".
8) White House interns - shiksas only!!
9) Plastic covers on White House furniture.
10) Balance the Budget? - Buy everything wholesale!!
11) White House brunches now include lox AND nova and a little kugel, some nice cheese, blintzes, maybe some eggs, but not too runny, every kind of bagel, and coffee...de-caf.
12) The Jackie Mason postage stamp.
13) Chinese food every Sunday night!!
14) The White House floors will be SPOTLESS.
15) Christmas tree will have Jewish star on top.
16) White House doctor will get more respect than the President.
17) Oval office conference table will always have a coffee cake in the middle.
18) Kids found bleeding when Afikomen is hidden in rose garden.
19) Nancy Reagan china replaced with Bloomingdales meat and dairy dishes.
20) Inaugural Ball held at Beth Shalom Social Center.
21) Press asking Lieberman's mother if she's proud of her son becoming Vice-President and she responds, "You should hear Mrs. Gore's news!!"
22) Camp David moved to Grossingers.
23) Number of Cabinet members adjusted to make a minion.
24) Men and women sit separately in press room.
25) Instead of a pen, every White House guest is offered a nice piece of fruit...maybe a sandwich.
26) Air Force One pilot sits low, with head below windshield, perpetually signals right.
27) All Mt. Rushmore figures get nose job.
28) At inauguration, Supreme Court Chief Justice gives President a kiddush cup and candlesticks.
29) All the trees Gore has saved are re-planted in Israel.
30) All military uniforms are changed because there's a MUCH better tailor who could do better work for HALF what they paid for those.
Subject: Florida Living. At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
Subject: One Wacky Jew. An army of Syrian soldiers, comprising tanks, mortar, infantry are traveling down the Golan heights to attack Israel. They come over the top of a hill, and down below is a small Jew yelling at them.
"Hey Abdul, I'm here and waiting. Nu, send me a few of your best".
The Syrian commander angrily orders a group of infantry to attack. After the dust settles, there's the Jew laughing. "That's the best you got? I seen tougher soldiers at my wife's Tupperware Parties ".
Enraged, the Syrian commander turns to his top Colonel telling him to take a platoon of tanks and kill the Jewish pest.
Again the dust settles, and again only the little Jew is left standing. "That's it?" he yells, "that's the best you could do? With this you'll be lucky if you could defeat a girl scout group".
The Syrian commander is beside himself with anger. He's about to take his entire army to attack the one wacky Jew. Just then one of the wounded Syrian soldiers, lying on the battle field, lifts his head and yells to his commander "Go back, go back!... It's a trap, ....there are two of them !"
Subject: Did You Say Prostitute? A Jewish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Papa I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand over his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting , the mother and daughter, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed. "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
The old man sat bolt upright in bed, brushing the Rabbi aside, and was smiling.
"Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant!"
Subject: Punishment. Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment.
The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said, "But I boiled them first."
Subject: Matchmaking. A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize, to be his wife.
But Morty was stubborn. "I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a sample also."
The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl. "He says he is a good businessman, and he has to know exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample."
"Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I don't give. But, I will give him references!"
Subject: The Sign. The Anti-Defamation League has reported on the following sign posted in the front window of a local neighborhood business...
I'd rather do business with one thousand arabs, than one jew.
Ginsburg Funeral Home
Subject: Light Bulb Jokes. How many Nshei Chayil does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what seminary she went to. Everything depends on what seminary she went to.
**********
How many BYA girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, and the rest to take pictures.
***********
How many Hadar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, the rest to say Tehillim.
************
How many Bnos Chava girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the electrician - no one wants to get her hands dirty.
***********
How many BJJ girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they have Emunah that it will fix itself.
***********
How many Yavneh girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they don't realize that the light went out; the light of Torah keeps them going.
*************
How many BY Intensive girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - -they're too busy changing diapers instead.
*************
How many Briskers does it take to change a light bulb?
That was a trick question. Briskers don't have electricity.
**************
How many Lakewooders does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they try to change the world instead.
**************
How many Chofetz Chaim boys does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw it in, and the rest to run to the Rosh Yeshivah to make sure its okay.
**************
How many BYDM teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to realize that only he can change himself, one step at a time.
***************
How many BYDM girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None. When the light bulb breaks, they just sit down and have a kumzits.
*************
How many Seminar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to fix it, and the rest to make up songs and call their friends up and tell them about their latest sem scare.
***************
How many seminary rejects does it take to change a light bulb?
There is no light for seminary rejects.
Subject: Orange juice. Two Jewish men, Mr. Cohen and Mr. Abrahams, sit down in a smart kosher restaurant and a snooty waiter comes over to take their order.
"Sirs, what can I get you?" enquires the waiter.
"A glass of orange juice," says Mr. Cohen.
"A glass of orange juice for me, too" says Mr Abrahams, "but please make sure the glass is clean."
The waiter stalks off in a disagreeable manner, and eventually comes back with two glasses of orange juice. "So," he says, "which one of you wanted the clean glass?"
Subject: Andromeda. A man is walking down the street in Scottsdale, Arizona, when a Beautiful woman appears out of nowhere, right in front of him. She is completely nude and has green skin. Stunned, the man starts to speak to her.
"Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?"
"Oh," says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'outer space'."
"Andromeda?" says the man, "Wow! Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like you?"
"Yes," replies the woman, "everyone is green on Andromeda."
The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help noticing that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot?"
"Yes, they do," replies the woman.
"Please, may I ask you one more question?" The woman nods.
"I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers, and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth, diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedan women have large diamonds on their fingers?"
"Well," the woman answers, "not the shiksas."
Subject: The Bronze Rat. A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat.
It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner.
The man gave the man twelve shekels.
"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street.
This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronzed rat as far out into the Bay as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronzed Arab".
Subject: Arafat et al. The British in India (1930's) solved their problem of Muslim terrorist suicide bombings by burying the body of the Muslim terrorist in pig skin.
Although a *shahid* goes to Heaven, a *shahid* whose body touches a pig carcass or skin doesn't. The British simply publicized the burying of one such terrorist in a pig carcass and the large spate of suicide bombings ceased immediately.
Subject: NOT TO WORRY. A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace.
There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good again, so the charity got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
Subject: Halachic Riddles. 1. When can a person be called to the Torah for 3 successive aliyot on the same day?
A Cohen who gets Maftir in the morning, and at mincha there is no Levi thus he gets 2 more in a row.
2. Someday, if they colonize the moon and there is a Jewish community, what blessing will they be unable to recite?
Kiddush Levana.
3. How can you have a mixture which is dairy, and when meat accidentally falls in, the mixture becomes parve (neither meat nor dairy)?
There is 59 parts vegetable mixed with one part milk or cheese and a piece of meat equal to the milk or cheese falls in.
4. What is the explanation of the following? "Shmini B'Shmini Shmini Shmini."
When you read Shemini for shabbos mincha on 8 Nisan, then you read Shemini 8 times.
5. One morning there were three people attending the same minyan.
Each finished the silent amidah at the same time, yet, during the repetition of the amidah, one responded "amen" 26 times, the second only 22 times and the third only three times. Can you explain this? (By the way, none of these people fell asleep or failed to respond amen as required.)
On Rosh Hodesh in Israel, the first person answers amen to 19 brachot, three zachrenus in Yaaleh veyavo, the bracha before birkas kohanim, and the three brachos of birchas kohanim (26). The second person is a kohen so he answers only 22. The third might be the chazan, probably answers the three brachos of Bircas Kohanim (which at least some poskim hold he can do).
6. What is the shortest word in the Torah?
The "heh" in "Ha" "LaHashem" at the beginning of Ha'Azinu.
7. The year 2000 is generally thought to have no particular significance to Jews, yet, the year 2000 is special in one respect: there is a particular commemoration that will not be observed in that calendar year. What day is it?
Asarah beTevet.
8. On what date in the Jewish calendar do we sometimes recite Hallel while, in other years, on the same date, we recite Tachanun?
Yom Haatzmaut, moved up to Thursday from Shabbat.
Also, the 3 Teves is a day on which we sometimes say Tachnun (when Rosh Chodesh Teves is two
days so it's after Chanuka) and sometimes we say Hallel (when Rosh Chodesh Teves is one day because Kislev is 29 days and therefore 3 Teves is the eighth day of Chanuka).
9. Triplets and their cousin are born within two hours of each other.
Yet their circumcisions are on four consecutive days. How can this occur? (No consideration need be given to the international date line or any possible health related issues.)
One triplet was born a week before Erev Yom Tov in chutz Laaretz; (this cannot be on Rosh HaShanna).
The second is born Bein Hashemasot a week before the first day of Yom Tov.
The cousin is born Bein hashemashot the same day in Israel.
The third triplet is born after bein hashemashot a week before the first evening of Yom Tov.
10. Twins are born on the same day, Shabbat, yet their circumcisions are NOT on the same day. (The health of neither baby is an issue.)
One is born by Cesarian section, so his brit is postponed to Sunday.
11. Generally because Jerusalem is in an earlier time zone, rituals are performed earlier there than in New York. What celebration occurs earlier in New York than in Jerusalem.
Purim.
12. What single verse (i.e. the same verse, not different verses with the same words) is read publicly from the Torah most often?
I have to assume this does not count how many times we read v'Zos haBracha on Simchas Torah :-)
Bamidbar 28:3 or The overlap verse in the reading for Cohen and Levi on Rosh Hodesh.
That also assumes you do not follow Minhag HaGra, which repeats more than one passuk.
13. We read the next regular Shabbat weekly Torah reading at Shabbat mincha. What weekly parashah is read at Shabbat mincha in Israel but NEVER in the diaspora?
Bereshit--in the diaspora it's Vezot Haberacha.
Someone else suggested Masei, but that actually happens (that Masei is read separately in the diaspora) in 2005, 2008 and 2011 (among others) according to Spier's "The Comprehensive Hebrew Calendar" (Feldheim 1986). It just hasn't happened since 1984 so you have forgotten it.
Subject: Havaii is the name.
A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument.
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.
"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.
And so it went all the way to the vacation.
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm alllll-ways right!"
As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!!!"
Subject: Passover. By the way last night I went to the supermarket to buy matzah and saw something new.
It was Bran Matzah..
On the box was written "Let My People Go."
Subject: Direct Call to "Upstairs" The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
This time, the Chief Rabb refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insist, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
Subject: A priest, minister and rabbi. A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The minister explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he can take."
Subject: A Rabbi. A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May G-d bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money" she says?
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
Subject: Bernie. While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff),
"then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"
Subject: Ready answer... All Israeli Air Force Pilots have to take a class in ejection seat
familiarization. The ejection seats were developed for high-speed airplanes,
since the pilot would surely kill himself on the rear empennage, or simply
wind shear itself could prove fatal.
During one of the familiarization courses, the instructor pointed out that
should the pilot be injured or otherwise unable to open the parachute, that a
barometric switch would open the parachute at ten thousand feet.
One of the students asked, "But what if he were over mountains higher than
ten thousand feet?"
The instructor, used to being asked that question, replied, "There is also a
switch designed to open the parachute on impact."
Subject: Rabbinic wisdom. Long ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a peddler came to the Rabbi's house. "Rabbi," he said, "I am going to kill myself!"
"Heaven, forbid!" cried the Rabbi, "What could make you have such a sinful thought?"
"Is it better than I should starve to death! Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!"
"Look," said the Rabbi, "the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you. Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count." The peddler had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at the Count's stables at 12 o'clock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing there.
"Oy, vay!" said the peddler, "I can't do this, the Count will have me hanged!"
"Don't worry," the Rabbi assured him, "take the horse and go in peace." Since in those days one did not disobey a Rabbi, the peddler did as he was told.
When he had gone the Rabbi lay down in the stall and went to sleep. The next morning the Count arrived with his groom and seeing the man asleep on the floor, kicked him and cried: "Hey you, who are you, what are you doing here, where is my horse?!"
The Rabbi sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then he jumped to his feet and raised his hands to the sky and cried: "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"
"What's this, what's this," cried the Count,"what is going on, who are you, where is my horse??!"
"Don't you understand?" said the Rabbi, "I was your horse! I used to be a famous scholar. But one night I succumbed to the Evil Impulse and stole money. In punishment the Holy One turned me into your horse. But in my misery I repented and prayed for forgiveness. Finally my prayers were heard and I have been changed back into a human being. Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"
Now the Count was a devout man and a respecter of miracles and so he also cried, "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!" and let the Rabbi go.
Several weeks later the Count was riding through the town. Suddenly he spied the peddler leading his beautiful white stallion. He leaped from his carriage and ran to the beast, struck him brutally on the rear end with his riding crop and shrieked: "Scoundrel! Ingrate! Stealing again??!!"
Subject: Chozrei B'Teshuva. At a Chassidic wedding, the young CHOZER BITSHUVA assistant MASHGIACH goes from table to table and whispers: "The KALAH is a ZONAH!".
The chief MASHGIACH runs out and screams.
"Idiot! I told you to tell them that the CHALLAH is MEZONOT!"
Subject: Jews. An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. By the next
table there are 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation.
The 2nd nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The 3rd nun says to Mother Superior let's go to New York.
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The 2nd nun again speaks and says let's go to Los Angles.
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leans over and says with a Yiddish accent
"vell vhy don't you go to hell, there are no Jews there!!!!"
Subject: Story from Chelm. Two inhabitants of Chelm, Berl and Schmerl, buy in the city a jug of genever and decide to sell it exclusively for cash. On the road, going home, Schmerl gets thirsty and says: "I wouldn't mind to have a little genever. I'll pay of course, here is a nickel." Berl agrees. A little while later, he also is thirsty. He pays a nickel and drinks. It is a hot day, both are thirsty and the nickel switches owners frequently. When they arrive in Chelm at night, the jug is empty.
"How was business?" asks a bystander.
"Wonderful!" they both assure him, "Everything sold in one day, and paid for in cash!"
Subject: IF MICROSOFT WAS JEWISH. 1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklemmt."
2. When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles."
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!".
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukhes."
9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".
10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies."
11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
13. When running "Scan Disk," you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!".
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Shloofie"
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mahjong."
19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."
Subject: Gemarrah kop. A man wants to build a house. So he goes to his rebbe and asks him for advice. The rebbe says, "Here. take this gemarrah, masechet batim. Open it up to daf kuf yud aleph, and study it. You'll find out exactly how to build a house."
So, he takes the gemarrah, goes home, learns it, reads he has to measure 8 amot here, 12 tefachim here ... After two months he has a gorgeous house. He calls all his friends for the dedication. He stands at the outside door to put up the mezuzah, gives a bang with hammer and .. CRASH!... the whole house falls down.
Puzzled, the man goes back to his rebbe and explains what has happened. The rebbe bursts, "Shmendrick! You think he gemarrah can be read like a novel??? It takes time! Go get yourself a chevrusa and learn it together with the rishonim (commentary). Repeat and memorize everything ten times. THEN go build your house!"
So, this time, the man does as his rebbe advises. he is more meticulous, and he builds the house almost the same as before. Again, he calls his friends for the dedication. Again, he gives a bang to put up the mezuzah, and .... CRASH! The house collapses again.
Now, the man is furious! He bursts into the rebbe's study without knocking, and throws the gemarrah down on his desk. "Rebbe," He says. "I did exactly as you told me. I got a chevrusa. We studied the gemarrah together very carefully. I memorized it, and I did exactly as the gemarrah says. Now, Why does the house collapse when I try to put up the mezuzah?"
The rebbe takes the gemarrah, scans the page carefully for five minutes. Finally, he says, "You know, that's interesting. Rashi asks the same question!"
Subject: Shul. Jack Rabinowitz was the President of the Beth David Congregation for many years. As President of the shul, he received Shlishi every Shabbos. After a long term in office, the shul decided that it was time for fresh blood, and installed a new President. The new President, as was his right, would receive Shlishi every Shabbos.
Rabinowitz was furious: "I won't give any more money to this shul," he said. "Not one red cent." The shul Board was fit to be tied, for Rabinowitz was one of the shul's biggest contributors. It was agreed that a delegation would be sent to speak with him.
"Look, Jack," urged Sam Cohen, "we can give you a different aliya every Shabbos. You can have Revii or even Shishi. Just not Shlishi." But Rabinowitz wouldn't budge. After several attempts to persuade him, Cohen said, "Jack, tell us what's wrong."
Rabinowitz looked Cohen in the eye and said, "Sam, it took me years to learn the brachos for Shlishi. There's no way I'm going through that again for Revii or Shishi!"
Subject: Shona Tova joke. "Tashlich" - to send away - Traditionally a service performed by Jews at Rosh Hashanah, it is the ceremonial casting of bread into a flowing body of water to symbolize the casting away ones sins.
After much controversy among the Rabbis, they have finally come up with the list of items needed for your Rosh Hashanah Tashlich Service.
for ordinary sins - white bread
for exotic sins - French bread
for particularly dark sins - pumpernickel
for complex sins - multi-grain
for twisted sins - pretzels
for tasteless sins - rice cakes
for sins of indecision - waffles
for sins committed in haste - matzah
for sins committed in less than 18 minutes - shmurah matzah
for sins of chutzpa - fresh bread
for substance abuse - poppy seed
for committing arson - toast
for committing auto theft - caraway
for being ill tempered - sourdough
for silliness - nut bread
for not giving full value - shortbread
for jingoism - Yankee Doodles
for excessive use of irony - rye bread
for telling bad jokes - corn bread
for hardening our hearts - jelly doughnuts
for being money hungry - enriched bread of raw dough
for war mongering - Kaiser rolls
for immodest dressing - tarts
for causing injury or damage to others - tortes
for promiscuity - hot buns
for racism - crackers
for sophisticated racism - Ritz crackers
for davening off tune - flat bread
for being holier than thou - bagels
for unfairly unbraiding another - challah
for indecent photograph - cheesecake
for trashing the environment - dumplings
for sins of laziness - any very long loaf
for sins of pride - puff pastry
for lying - baked goods with Nutra Sweet and Olestra
for wearing tasteless hats - Tam Tams
for sins of the righteous - angel food cake
for selling your soul - devils food cake
for lust in your heart - Wonder Bread
for inhaling - stoned wheat
Smile, be happy and healthy, and enjoy a sin free year!!!
Subject: BIBLICALLY SPEAKING. At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "Where wuz all the grown-ups?"
Subject: Texan Baby. A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
WOW! From all and congratulations.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
Subject: The Parrot. MEYER, A LONELY WIDOWER, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du... yeah, du... outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.
After Rosh Hashona services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"
Subject: The Psychiatrist. A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
Subject: Fishing. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake.
The priest tells his two colleagues, "I forgot my fishing pole in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares in amazement.
A half hour later, the minister says, "I need to use the bathroom." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, and walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand up on the beach." He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!!
Again, he is dragged out, and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?"
Subject: Golf. A rabbi and a minister are playing golf. They decide to play for $5 a hole. On the third hole, the minister hits his ball into the rough. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," the minister says to the rabbi. After several minutes, neither has had any luck, and, anxious to win, the minister pulls out another ball and drops it on the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.
The rabbi looks at him, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"Cheat?! I found my ball right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" the rabbi says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball since we got here."
Subject: Talking. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Saturday morning, on the way home from the synagogue, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills on the sidewalk.
Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money.
So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.
Subject: Manny the Cohen. Manny Schwartz approached the rabbi of his synagogue and said to him, "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible!
Manny offers the rabbi $10,000, but the rabbi won't budge. He offers $50,000...then $100,000. Finally, the rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After six months of classes, the rabbi tells Manny, "Okay. Now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot, and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen. Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen, too!"
Subject: A new car. A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
Subject: Space. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are sent into space. On their reentry, as the shuttle returns to earth, there is a large group of reporters waiting for them on the landing strip. The minister emerges first, with a special glow in his eyes. A reporter asks him how he felt, circling the earth in space. The minister replies, "I felt very close to Jesus up there!"
The priest emerges with a very satisfied look on his face. The same reporter yells out, "Father, what was it like in space?" The priest answers, "It seemed like I could almost reach out and touch Mary and all the saints."
The rabbi is the last to appear, and he looks exhausted and haggard.
The reporter asks him what space was like, and he moans, "Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv, Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv..."
[Ed. note: Jews are required to say prayers three times a day:
Shacharit, which is done between dawn and midday; Mincha, which is done between midday and dusk; and Ma'ariv, which is done between sunset and midnight. The exact timing is determined by the position of the sun in the sky.]
Subject: A new synagogue. The Jews of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. They were going to need a lot of wood for the construction. Luckily, there was a large forest located on a hill just outside of town. A number of Chelmites went out to the forest the next day and started cutting down trees. They soon had enough to build the new synagogue. To transport the wood to town, they split into teams of four. Each team carried one tree down the hill and back to town. Just as they arrived with the very last tree, a stranger visiting town asked, "Why didn't you just roll the trees down the hill?" The mayor of Chelm hit himself in the forehead and said,
"Of course! Why didn't we think of that?!" He then ordered all the workers to carry the trees back up the hill and roll them down.
Subject: A walk. Two Chelmites went for a walk. The first one said, "Look! Bear tracks!"
The second one disagreed, "No, those are deer tracks!" They were still arguing about it when they were hit by a train.
Subject: The cow. A stranger came to visit Chelm, together with his very old, very skinny cow. The mayor of Chelm insisted the stranger stay in his home during that time and even made room in his own barn for the cow. The stranger was a little worried about being in a strange town, so, he hid his gold in the straw in the barn under his cow.
The next morning, the mayor walked into the barn to care for his animals, and he noticed the gold in the straw. He figured out that this cow, unlike all other cows, gave gold instead of milk. He was very excited!!
He called a special meeting of the Chelm Town Council and insisted that they buy the cow from the stranger. They collected money from all the citizens in town.
The mayor asked the stranger if he would be willing to sell the cow, and he offered double the usual price for a good milk cow. The stranger started to protest that the cow wasn't worth that much, but the mayor misunderstood and increased his offer. The more the stranger protested, the more the mayor offered. Finally, completely confused, the stranger agreed to sell.
The mayor gave the scrawny cow the best stall in his barn. He fed her the very best feed in town. The next morning, the mayor approached the cow to milk her. As he started, he was very surprised to find that the cow gave...milk! And not even very good milk!!
The mayor was annoyed. The stranger had sold him a cow that gave gold, but all he had gotten was milk! He reported back to the Town Council.
They were angry. When they told the townspeople, everyone was furious! They decided to track down the stranger to get their money back.
They found the stranger in the next town. With everyone yelling at him all at once, he had no idea what was going on, but eventually, he figured it out. He turned to the mayor and asked, "Did you feed the cow?"
The mayor answered, "Of course we fed the cow! Do you think we don't know how to care for a cow?!!"
The stranger answered, "Did you ever have a cow that gave gold before?
Didn't you notice how scrawny she was when I came into town? There's only one way to get her to give gold... You have to stop feeding her! But, it took me weeks to teach her to not eat. This is what you have to do. Every day, feed her a little less. At the end of three weeks, you should be able to cut her down to eating nothing. The next day, milk her, and she will give gold again."
The Chelmites look at the stranger, embarrassed about their previous anger at him. They return to Chelm and start the feeding regimen that the stranger told them. The cow got skinnier and skinnier, and the mayor of Chelm was very pleased. Until, one morning, on the very first day she would have gotten no food, the cow was found dead in her stall.
The people of Chelm were, of course, very disappointed. But they always looked back nostalgically on the day when, if only their cow hadn't died, they would have been the richest town in Poland...
Subject: Cookies. Schmulik from Chelm visited another town. A local man asked him: "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Schmulik replied, "Oh, about five..." The local guy replied, "No, you're wrong! You can only eat one. After that you stomach's not empty anymore!!"
Schmulik returned to Chelm and asked Moysheh, "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Moysheh answered, "Two." Schmulik told him, "Too bad. If you had said, 'five', I would have had a great joke for you!"
Subject: Waking the rabbi. The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students were spending the night at the inn. The student asked the servant to wake him at dawn because he was to take an early train. The servant did so. Not wishing to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes and, in his haste, he put on the long rabbinical gabardine. He hurried to the station, and, as he entered the train, he was struck dumb with amazement as he looked at himself in the compartment mirror.
"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily. "I asked him to wake me, instead he went and woke the rabbi!"
Subject: Fixing the roof. A carpenter in Chelm is fixing the roof, but as he works, he throws away about half the nails. The mayor is passing by, and asks him why he's wasting so many nails. The carpenter answers, "I take a nail out of the bag, and if it's facing the roof, I use it; if it's facing away, I know it's defective and throw it away."
The mayor tells him, "You fool! Those are for the other side!!"
Subject: Chutzpa. A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.
Subject: Herpes. There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes... who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home -- I'll look it up and call you." So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth... "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry! It says . . . herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"
Subject: A bear. A Jew is camping in the woods, when she notices a bear 60 feet away. Just as she notices the bear, the bear notices her. The Jew starts running; ,the bear follows. She runs as fast as she can, but when she looks back next time, she sees the bear is only 40 feet away. She pushes herself even harder, running and running. The bear is still gaining--only 20 feet to go. She starts running even harder, but the bear is still catching up with her! When she can't even run anymore, she stops and says a silent prayer to God, "Please, God, let that be a good Jewish bear!"
From less than 10 feet away, she hears the bear mumbling in Hebrew. She is just about to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God when she catches the end of the bear's mumblings, "...ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz."
[The blessing before eating a meal]
Subject: The lottery. This Jewish couple won 20 million in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London, England.
They found the perfect butler and brought him back to the U.S.. On the next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting their friends the Cohens over for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.
When the couple returned that evening they found the table set for eight.
They asked the butler why eight when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four?
The butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."
Subject: Holiday. Hitler is worried about his mortality. He goes to a psychic to ask about his death.
She closes her eyes and silently thinks for a few minutes. When she opens her eyes again, she speaks: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?" Hitler asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whatever day you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday.
Subject: The Prime Minister. When Golda Meir visited President Nixon, he asked how things were going in the new Israel nation.
"I have many many problems," she replied.
Nixon said, "Why? You are the Prime Minister of 8 million, while I am the President of 200 million people. "
To which Golda replied: "You are the President of 200 million people, while I am the Prime Minister of 8 million Prime Ministers."
Subject: Mothers. Mothers come in all shapes and sizes.
For example, an Italian Mother might chastise her offspring for not eating by saying, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill you."
A Jewish Mother on the other hand would say, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill myself."
Subject: Marrying a shiksa. The Jewish father warned his son against marrying a shiksa [non-Jewish woman]. The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbat," the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday.
It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbat."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."
Subject: The Perfect Rabbi. The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 am until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the attached list. Then add your synagogue address to the bottom of the list, delete the first synagogue on the list, and send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too, within three days. In less than two weeks, you will receive 1,296 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks...so don't break the chain.
Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"
Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"
Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or what?"; "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?" (About now, a ,spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.)
Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my cooking is not good enough for you?"
Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Harry will go with" (drop "you").
Move subject to end of sentences: "Is she getting heavy, that Esther?"
Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating that Norman fellow?"
Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the Goldman's for hosting the Seder." (Translation: "What, you didn't eat and drink too, at my Seder? You slob, you didn't send a thank you note!")
Subject: Vocabulary. Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic.
It is very difficult to know when to call someone mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus vus ehr reht... Here are a few words to get you started.
"Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac ,schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"
Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.
Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"
Schmoe--See schmuck.
Schmata--Rag (ugly dress), as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?"
Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?"
Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up.
Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase, however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)
Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation. If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're very bored.
Practice Question:
You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who gave that maniac a driver's license?"
Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile ownership over public transportation to support the automotive industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since, most anyone can get a driver's license."
Correct answer: "Those government schmucks."
Non-Jews can also profit from learning these nuances. When shopping in ,the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the schmuck schmuck who shouldn't feed his own children?" The untrained Gentile simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the negotiations begin."
Subject: A lemon. The strong man in the circus had a special act that he performed at each show. He would take a lemon, squeeze it as hard as he possibly could, removing all the juice. He would then challenge any member of the audience to come up to the middle ring and get one drop of juice from he lemon. He promised to pay $100 to anyone who could get more juice from the lemon. Week after week, month after month, big, burly men and women would squeeze and squeeze, and not get even a drop.
One day, a small, mousy man came up to the strong man. He took the lemon.
The audience laughed; after seven big strong people couldn't get a drop,
this man thought he could do better?! He squeezed the lemon, and, amazingly, lemon juice dripped onto the floor!! Then an actual
stream of juice flowed!! He handed the dry lemon back to the strong man.
The strong man, amazed, turned to the little guy, handed him a $100 bill, and asked him what he did for a living. The man answered, "I work for the UJA."
Subject: XX. Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX".
He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it.
All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!"
Subject: A 3-day pass. An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
Subject: Birkhat ha-gomeil (Adar humor alert).
IS ONE OBLIGATED, OR EVEN PERMITTED, TO "BENTSCH 'GOMEL'"AFTER FLYING ON A COMMUTER AIRLINE?
...
Rabbi Avraham Anan in his code, "Hilchot El Al" ruled that those flying to Israel do not "bentsch 'gomel'" after their flight, "as in these days, flying is statistically safer than driving, and who bothers to bentsch gomel after driving around Tel Aviv?" However, Rabbi Mordechai Mazon has ruled the opposite, that one does indeed "bentsch 'gomel'" after a flight, but only after a flight in which a meal has been served, and only if one actually eats the meal served by the airline. "The prayer is said for surviving the meal, not the flight." (Hilchot Hamazon 1:973)
In fact, R' Mazon even requires one to "bentsch 'gomel'" if one sins by eating a non-kosher airline meal. "It is meritorious to thank the Source of All Life for surviving the ordeal of eating a non-kosher airline meal, for one's very survival after eating such a meal is a sign that one is forgiven for the trangression. Eating a non-kosher airline meal is sufficient punishment for the sin of eating non-kosher food." (Hilchot HaMazon 1:974) And if one can give thanks for surviving a non-kosher airline meal, how much more so that one should "bentsch 'gomel'" for eating and surviving a kosher airline meal?
...
(c) 1996 by Joe Bachman for the Schlitzer Purim Torah Institute http://www.radix.net/~jbachman/liksplit.htm
For a more complete discussion of the problem, see the complete responsum.
Mishenichnas Adar...
Subject: Leaving Russian... A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.
At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"
Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meager belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.
"What is that" snarled the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer.
"Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust.
"What is that" said the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."
"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table.
"Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"
Subject: Hilchos Oreos. Although many significant events have shaped 5758 so far (U.S. troops in Bosnia, an erratic stock market, septuplets in Iowa, increasing tension the Middle East) certainly none can compare to the really big story this year, a genuine blockbuster that will change the lives of American Jews dramatically and cataclysmically. Unless we merit the coming of Mashiach, 5758 will go down in history as The Year That Oreos Became Kosher. Now that Nabisco has made the commitment to providing Jews (and the world at large) with kosher Oreos, we Jews have a responsibility to consider the halachic implications of this remarkable coup. I am not referring to the reliability of rabbinical hashgacha within Nabisco's factories, chas v'shalom.
Rather, my concern is income-based (how it's ingested) and outcome-based (digested). Halacha covers even the most picayune details of a Jew's everyday life. The reliance on seder, a certain order as part of the process, is integral to implementation. For example, the way we put on our shoes and tie them: we first put on the right shoe, then the left shoe, then we tie the left shoe and finally tie the right shoe. The reasons behind these halachos are beyond the ken of the average Jew. It may be best left to kabbalists to divine their significance. Nevertheless, we take this shoe-fitting decree seriously, a case of na'al v'nishma.
This concept of seder is no different for kabbalistic Oreo-eating. Which should come first? A straightforward bite into the whole cookie? Should one first break apart the two sandwich halves and concentrate on the creme? One can postulate that if white represents purity and goodness, and black evil and darkness, then perhaps one should eat the white first, as an example of the yetzer hatov triumphing over the yetzer hora? Or should one save the best for last, so to speak, by first destroying, via consumptive powers, the Darkness (the cookie part) and be left only with Light (the creme)? Or perhaps, this sort of binary weltanschauung is not healthy at all it may be preferable to take the centrist position and bite into the intact cookie, representing the real-world mix of good and bad, light and dark, moderation versus extremism.
A fresh insight and hint may be garnered when analyzing the Hebrew form of Oreos, Ori-oz (aleph-vav-resh-yud-ayin-zayin), translated as "my light is the source of strength." Assuming that the "s" in Oreos takes on the Ashkenazic pronunciation, it may also be interpreted Ori-os, or my light shall be a sign. Thus the Hebrew appears to favor the creme-first eating process, although it's advisable to check with your local rabbi for a p'sak. And then, of course, comes the question of which blessings to say. 'Borei minay mezonos' seems the obvious choice, unless one first chooses to excise and consume the white creme center (in which case, a shehakol would be the way to go, followed by a 'mezonos' when the cookie part is tasted.)
Or, since the creme is subjectively the mehudar, perhaps a 'shehakol' is sufficient for both creme and cookie, provided that the creme is eaten first? And if one has a glass of milk with one's Oreo, does the 'shehakol' that one first said over the Oreo's creme center suffice? Clearly the introduction of Oreos and all the shaylos it presents allows us the opportunity to triumph over lust, by exercising control over the Oreo, versus the Oreo having control over us. Cooperation between Nabisco and the Orthodox Union has given Jews the opportunity to take the everyday act of noshing on kosher Oreos, and raise it to a whole new level of holiness.
We see that Oreos enrich our bodies with a perfect blend of ruchniyus and gashmiyus, the transitory (a taste of Heaven) and the permanent (a waistline that holds no secrets).
Subject: Chinese Food. A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.
The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.
"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"
Subject: 50th Anniversary. The local Hebrew School decided to observe Israel's 50th anniversary with a special ecumenical celebration, and invited everyone in the neighborhood, of whatever background, to participate in any way they thought appropriate, or to just come and observe, and have some home-baked cookies washed down with grape juice or heavy super-sweet wine.
There were speeches, dramatizations, and miscellaneous musical performances. At one point Mrs. Goldberg, in the third row, wiped away a tear as her little Miriam scratched out a hesitant rendition of "Hatikvah" on a shiny new violin. Mrs. Goldberg noticed that a man seated next to her also had tears running down his face. "Isn't it wonderful", she said to him, "to know that our heritage will be carried on by the next generation!"
"I suppose so," he said, "but I'm not Jewish."
"So why the tears?"
"I'm a musician."
Subject: Yeshiva Rowing Team. Yeshiva's rowing team had lost its' last 10 rowing meets. Harvard won every one. Rabbi Shmuel picks his prize student and says," You must go to Harvard, spy on them. Find out why they always win and we always lose."
The Yeshiva student comes back in a few days and excitedly says "Rabbi, I have found out their secret. When they race, 8 of them row, and only one of them is shouting".
Subject: Gone fishing. Two rabbis and a priest decided to go fishing one sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the first rabbi decided that "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
The priest was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention the apparent miracle.
A few minutes later, the second rabbi also decided to go ashore for a moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes later came back.
By now the priest was in great distress and had begun to doubt his beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Jewish teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST AS STRONG as either of the rabbis and decided that anything they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
The priest then announced that he needed relief and would walk to shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the lake. While the priest was thrashing about in the water, one rabbi turned to the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"
Subject: How you can tell... How you can tell that the person next to you has not been at services too often
1. "Hey, my book is backwards."
2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the minister is talking?"
3. "What's with the beanies?"
4. "Isn't it funny that one person on the stage has a better singing voice than the other ones."
5. "I get the standing and the sitting; when do we kneel?"
6. "Does your prayer book have writing in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
7. "Why do people keep coming in even after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"
8. "Do a bunch of people always get up and walk out just before the rabbi gives the sermon?"
9. "This food after the services is really good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only took a little at a time?"
10. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler on the Roof'!"
11. "Who brings kids to a place like this?"
12. "You there, slow down, you're getting ahead of the soloist!"
13. "Why am I the only guy in the dress circle?"
14. "You'd think nobody has ever seen a cell-phone!"
15. "It's show-time! They're opening the curtains."
16. "Pardon me, but you have some string hanging down from your scarf."
17. "The boy can't be more than 12 or 13! And they let him read?"
18. "When do they take up the collection?"
Subject: Cow from Minsk. A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
Subject: Israel's Birthday. Thought you, might enjoy this part of the sermon Rabbi Buckman sent today since it deals with Israel's birthday.
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This week, the state of Israel celebrates its 51st birthday.
Unfortunately, not many see a reason to celebrate. The world community argues that Israel is intransigent because it won't take steps to allow for the establishment of a Palestinian state. And even within the Jewish community, Israel doesn't have the support it used to. Some Jews take issue with Israel's political policies. Others take issue with its religious policies. And, as a result, by focusing so much on Israel's political and religious polices, we lose sight of the true meaning of Israel.
So, let me take a moment to make two comments that we should keep in mind as we approach Yom Ha'atzmaut this year. Both have to do with events in Kosovo. To all who said that Israel should give back all the territory they captured on the West Bank and on the Golan Heights, because now territory doesn't count, Kosovo proves that wrong. To all who said that with a new world order, people don't fight any longer over ethnic and nationalistic concerns, Kosovo proves that wrong. To those who said that in this age of missiles, you win wars in the air, the inefficacy of NATO missiles proved that wrong. To those who said that Israel no longer has to worry about one man rising to power in a country and his turning that country against you; Saddam Hussein is defeated. We see we still have to worry. Saddam Hussein isn't gone, and even if he were, now there's a Milosevic, and who knows who will come next. History repeats itself and we should be careful to think otherwise.
The second point I want to raise relates to the refugee crisis in Kosovo. It's a crisis that we as Jews can identify with because we know what it means to not have a home. And because we know what it means not to have a home, we should best be able to appreciate what it means now for Jews everywhere to have a home--Israel, where if you're Jewish, the doors are open to you 24 hours a day, 365 days out of the year. Whether you're a Moroccan Jew, a Soviet Jew, Yemenite Jew or a Yugoslavian Jew, Ethiopian Jew or American Jew; the doors are open. Anita Fetahi said it all. Anita Fetahi, 22 years old, is a Jewish refugee from Kosovo who last week emigrated to the state of Israel. Upon her arrival in Israel, she said, "It's nice to feel that someone, somewhere, cares about us." Israel is the one place where Jews will always be welcomed with open arms.
Every one of the people who emigrated to Israel came not caring whether the government was Labor or Likud, and every government of the State of Israel - whether it was Labor or Likud - took in every single Jewish refugee that it could. And it didn't ask if you're Orthodox, Conservative or Reform. We live in a crazy, mixed up world, and you never know when a new madman will arise. It can be a Milosevic or an Idi Amin, an Assad or a Saddam Hussein. And you never know if anyone in this whole wide world will really care. The only ones in this world who know that there's someone who will care, there is someone who will open their doors, there is someone who will protect you, is a Jew. And all this because of the State of Israel.
Because of Israel, Jewish history is no longer the same. And we must not forget how our lives have changed because of Israel. Recently, I read of an incident that took place when fighting broke out a few years ago in Yugoslavia around the city of Sarajevo. It's a story of two families: the Kabilio family, who are Jewish and the Lehebra family, who are Muslims.
The first part of the story took place more than fifty years ago. In 1944, Yugoslavia was under the control of the Nazis. The Muslim Lehebra family lived on the same street with the synagogue which had been burned to the ground by the Nazis. They lived on the same street where the Nazis had their headquarters. And they lived four houses away from the Kabilio family who were Jewish. The Kabilios were a mother, a father, and a three year old daughter named Tova. When the Nazis came the Lahebras took the Kabilios in. They hid them in their attic and they brought them food every day. They saved their lives.
After the war, the Kabilios moved to Israel. They wanted to express their gratitude to the family who had saved them, so they went to Yad Vashem and they told the people there the story of how their lives were saved.Yad Vashem investigated and found that the story was true. A tree was planted in honor of the Lahebras in the garden, which is at the entrance to Yad Vashem, the garden that has been set aside to honor righteous Gentiles. The Lahebras are one of the few Muslim families to be so honored. That was the first part of the story. Part two of the story took place in July of 1992. The city of Sarajevo came under attack. Machine gun fire rattled through its streets every day.
Buses carrying orphan children were under fire. A burial taking place in a cemetery was interrupted by gun fire. And Tova Kabilio, who was now in her 50's and who lives in Israel, could not rest. She could not sleep at night knowing that the family that once saved her life was now in danger. So she went to the Israeli authorities and told them about the Lehebras.
And as a result, on July 11, 1992, on a day when American and English and Russian and French planes were afraid to land . . . an El Al plane landed at Sarajevo. Israeli agents got off and began to search the streets of Sarajevo looking for the Lehebra family. They found the family that had saved Tova Kabilio's family's life. And they flew them back to Jerusalem. And today the Lehebra family is living in Rechavia in the house of Tova Kabilio.
Think of what this story represents. Just one generation ago Jews were hunted. Jews had to hide for their lives. Jews could find no safe haven. Today, not only do Jews have a safe haven, but they have the power to rescue others as they are still doing in Yugoslavia even this past week. For 2000 years ago, the Jews were at the mercy of others. Today, Jews are the secure ones and they have the ability to come out of the sky and save others. For the first time in 2000 years, Jews are the rescuers, not the rescued.
And all because of the State of Israel.
While we as Jews must mourn and cry out for the plight of the Kosovans, at the same time, we can rejoice in the knowledge that no longer can the world do this to us. "Hashem oz l'amo yitein. Hashem yevorach et amo bashalom - The Lord has given strength to His people." May we now be blessed with peace. Amen.
Subject: Newspapers.
A Ukrainian wealthy merchant and a Jew happen to travel in the same compartment of a train. And, as always in cases like this, the Ukrainian is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this is how their discussion goes:
Merchant: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers when traveling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself when I use a toilet."
Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way your behind is apt to become more clever than your head?"
Subject: Parrot. A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and enquires about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot which is quite exceptional in that it speaks any language you want. Intrigued by this, the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions:
M: "Do you speak English?"
P: "Yes."
M: "Hablas Espanol?"
P: "Si!"
M: "Parlez vouz Francaise?"
P: "Oui!"
M: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
P: "Jawohl!"
M: "Falas Portugues?"
P: "Sim."
etc.
After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then asked the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says: "Nu? Mit a nose like dis, vot you tink?".....................................
Subject: Gefilte Fish story. A Jewish grandmother's 21 steps to the proper preparation of gefilte fish:
1. Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish. Offer to make the fish yourself.
2. Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish.
3. While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and another bus...
4. ...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP.
5. Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon.
6. On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you.
7. Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead carp in it.
8. Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four.
9. Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there.
10. Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets.
11. Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure they are clean.
12. There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the third and then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing and come and watch you.
13. Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl.
14. Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor.
15. Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser.
16. Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52 minutes.
17. On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and bones.
18. Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot.
19. Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good...but not as good as last year's.
20. After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in a chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.
21. The morning after the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you just tasted a piece of bottled fish that was even more delicious than what she served last night. Tell her it's a shame she made it from scratch when everyone does such wonderful things with canned.
Subject: Seven refrigerators. The rule in Israel, at least when I lived there, was that a new immigrant could bring in normal household items duty free. But anything that looked like as if it was for resale in Israel was supposed to be subject to import duty.
Yankel Levine, a new oleh, goes to Haifa port to claim his household goods that have arrived by ship at last. The excise officer notices on the manifest that Yankel is bringing in seven refrigerators.
"Mr. Levine," says the officer, "one refrigerator is allowed duty free, not seven."
"But I'm very frum, and I need one refrigerator just for meat, one just for dairy, and one just for parve," says Yankel.
"All right," says the officer with a sigh, "that makes three. But seven?"
"Well, of course," says Yankel, "I need three for most of the year and another three, meat, dairy, and parve, for Pesach."
"OK," says the officer, losing patience. "That makes six. What's the seventh one for?"
"So nu," says Yankel, "if I want to eat treyf once in a while?"
Subject: Children. Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort in the thought that even G-d's omnipotence did not extend to G-d's kids.
After creating heaven and earth, G-d created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," G-d said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we've got Forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said G-d.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said G-d, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making elephants.
Just a few minutes later G-d saw the kids taking an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Un huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "Did so!" "DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, G-d's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed, though there is reassurance in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If G-d had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
Subject: Synagogues to Close. TEANECK, March 2 -- The Jewish world was stunned today by a National Board of Rabbis announcement that all synagogues in the United States would shut their doors forever, sometime before the end of 1999.
After centuries of conflict among the various forms of Judaism and the frequent formation of new breakaway synagogues, a combination of technologies has finally resolved the interdenominational bickering and made it possible for all Jews to be satisfied by having their very own synagogues located in an Internet chat room accessed from their home. Because chatting in shul has become commonplace across the religious spectrum, there is already a base of experience for the new concept, and most individuals are not expected to feel any difference. Although many issues divided Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, Egalitarian, Chabad, Satmar, Young Israel, Aguda, Ashkenaz, Sfard, and many others, the one point that all agreed on was the need for the synagogue to reflect their own personal viewpoint and for all members to follow their mode of observance. As these modes became increasingly fragmented, even within each movement, the only way to achieve harmony was to let each Jew run his or her own shul.
Two technological achievements are responsible for making this ancient dream a reality: the universal availability of the Internet and the perfection of voice recognition. As a result, beginning in the year 2000, all Jews will be able to connect to their own chat room on the Internet, and by using voice recognition, each will be president of his or her virtual shul. The replacement of the synagogue will solve many problems: the need for a minyan, separate seating, and the height of a mechitza. Congregants will be spared membership dues, and without a regular weekly kiddush to attend, fitness is expected to reach an all-time high. A few thorny issues remain to be settled, and one is why no firm date was announced by the Board. One issue is the use of the computer microphone on Shabbat. The Reform have no problem with it. Conservatives are expected to accept it, arguing that it is no different from leaving the microphone in their synagogue on before Shabbat. For the Orthodox, it will take some more work, but the need for individual shuls has become so acute in recent years that, with a few possible exceptions, the bulk of Orthodoxy is expected to go along. Another problem is what to do with all the suddenly unemployed rabbis, but with the expansion of
Internet use, there should be plenty of jobs available as technical support representatives. Still unsolved is how to find an acceptable substitute for kiddush clubs.
Subject: New Israeli Ice Cream Flavors. Pasken & Rabbis Ice Cream
Pasken and Rabbis ice creams are available in cohens, frozen on a shtick, or in a plastic Yid-dish. In addition to their up-to-the-mitzvah selections of ice cream flavors, P.& R.'s also offers such taste treats as Tosefloats, Madua-lo-diet freezes, the tantalizing Bamid-bar, as well as traditional ice cream Sotahs in a variety of delicious flavors - the latter, of course, made with Korban-ated water and, if you wish, an extra pshat of seltzer.
And while our competitors may offer a multilayered Goyishe Cup, remember that only Pasken and Rabbi's features a free sample of any flavor - which we call Bameh Madlickin'.
We are proud to continue our old and sacred tradition of serving a multitude of flavors, a custom which began with the sainted Ga'on of V'nila (may his memory be a dressing), who first claimed the Mitzvah of Hachnassat ice cream.
His disciples, known as the Eggnogdim, carried on for generations a debate with the followers of the Baal Shempaine over which scoop to put on top. Today, we abide by the decisions of the Ga'on's school, and we have adopted his famous slogan, "Talmond Tort K'neggnog Coolime."
FLAVOURS:
Lehitra Oats Rashi Road
Olive Hashalom Oy Ge-Malt
Wailing Wal-nut Cherry Bim
Bubble Gum-ora Mi Ka-mocha
Lemontations Soda & Gomorra
Weizman Instituti-Fruittii Manishta Nut
Af Al Pecan Rachma Nut
Moishmallow Maimonidip ( Rumbomb)
Rhubarbanel Chazalnut
Mazel Toffe-ee Balak Berry
Buberry Lubavicher Resberre
Shulamit Spumoni
Zalmond Schacter Abba Ebanana
Bernard Malamint Molly Pecan
Cashew Lepesach Kol HaVodka
Mizrachi Road Tora Shebe'al Pear
Chuppapaya Butter Shkotz
Prune Ur'voonO-lime Habah
Berry Pr'i Hagafen Carmel Shake
Choc-Eilat Chip Cin'm'n Toff V'
Subject: The Children. Two Jewish mothers met for coffee.
"Well Ruthie, how are the kids?"
"To tell you the truth, my Abie has married a slut! She doesn't get out of bed until 11, she's out all day spending his money on God knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Psha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"And Esther?"
"Ah! Esther has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a smart restaurant."
Subject: Interview Question. There were four people who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job.
One was Christian, one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the fourth was Jewish.
The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the Catholic woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity.
Why?
Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Then, the Jewish man was called in.
He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS......"
(He got the job....)
Subject: Taxman VS The Rabbi. A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the US Tax office, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders - such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer!
So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is saveup all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Tax "The Tax Office?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the Tax Office " ...and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Subject: Bees. Two bees met by a weed field. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit there and, oh -- such huge floral arrangements in the centerpieces at every table."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
Subject: Welcome To Miami Beach. by Robin M. Klawansky
Contrary to popular belief, the Pilgrims did NOT land at Plymouth Rock. No, they landed at Miami Beach. They were met there by Morris Latke(1)-Eater, chief of the Alta Cocker(2) Indians, and his lovely daughter, Yenta(3).
The Alta Cockers were colorful dressers. The braves wore plaid pants, striped shirts, and white crushable hats. The squaws dressed either in mou-mous or in polyester slacks and hand-knit sweaters. Their headdresses were crocheted, and doubled as covers for spare rolls of toilet paper. The Pilgrims, led by Captain John Smith, were pleased to see that wild polyesters were plentiful, roaming the beach in great herds. After many years of wearing dull Pilgrim duds, they set about hunting polyesters with which to make new, more comfortable cloths that could be washed on the Perma-Prest cycle at any rock.
The Pilgrims were hungry after their long journey, so Yenta and the other squaws showed the women how to make potato latkes, matzoh balls, and a gedempfte brust(4) that would feed the whole gang. Meanwhile, Morris and the other braves taught John Smith and the other Pilgrim men how to dig for clams. They cooked them, together with crabs and grouper they had caught, in holes they dug in the sand. They covered the seafood with seaweed, lit a fire, and covered over the hole. Several hours later, they dug up the seafood, and in the spirit of peaceful coexistence and sharing, set out a buffet table like you wouldn't believe. The Pilgrims were grateful to the Alta Cockers, and they were grateful to the Big Guy in the Sky for seeing them safely to this new land. The Pilgrims said grace, the Alta Cockers said a brucha(5), and, since this was the first time this kind of thing had happened, they added a shehechiyanu(6). This was the first Thanksgiving, but it became an annual event, with "early-bird specials" for those arriving before five o'clock.
The Pilgrims had some serious social problems. They were dating-impaired, so Yenta had to play matchmaker. A traditional Thanksgiving song was written in honor of this. Yenta's first successful shiddach(7) was between John Aldan and Pricilla Mullens. Captain John Smith had the hots for Yenta, which led to Morris' forbidding them to see one another.
"Yenta," he said, "Smith is a nice enough guy, but he's a goy(8). Do you want to kill your mother?"
Yenta cried, "But Daddy, I love him."
Captain John Smith and Yenta snuck away to Rhode Island, and were married by Roger Williams, who also played a beautiful rendition of "Autumn Leaves" on his grand piano.
Morris Latke-Eater had no choice but to declare his beloved Yenta dead, and the family sat shiva(9) for its wayward member. This was the beginning of some discord with the Pilgrims, who were offended by the Alta Cockers' attitude. They decided that it was time to put the Indians in their place, and so they took over Miami Beach, and forced the Alta Cockers to clean for them. Being a mostly elderly and peace-loving tribe, the Alta Cockers did not fight the Pilgrims, and they virtually disappeared from Miami Beach.
Less than two hundred years later, the descendants of the Alta Cockers gradually infiltrated and reclaimed Miami Beach as their homeland. They continue to thrive there to this day.
1 latke = potato pancake
2 alta cocker = old fart
3 yenta = a busybody
4 gedempfte brust = a stewed pot roast
5 brucha = blessing
6 shehechiyanu = special blessing said the first time something is done each year
7 shiddach = match
8 goy = a non-Jewish person
9 sitting shiva = a week long period of intense mourning
Subject: A No Win Situation. If you get married at eighteen - you're a rachmonus.
If you're still single at twenty - you're a rachmonus.
If you have three children when you're married three years - you're a rachmonus.
If you have no children when you're married three years - you're a rachmonus.
If you must learn in kollel for five years - you're a rachmonus.
If you must go to work at twenty - you're a rachmonus.
If you live close to your parents - you're a rachmonus.
If you live far from your parents - you're a rachmonus.
If your in-laws are involved in your life - you're a rachmonus.
If your in-laws are not involved in your life - you're a rachmonus.
If you have a job and work very hard - you're a rachmonus.
If you don't have a job - you're a rachmonus.
If you "only" have four children - you're a rachmonus.
If you have twelve children - you're a rachmonus.
If you live on the top floor - you're a rachmonus.
If you live in a basement - you're a rachmonus.
If only the husband is working - you're a rachmonus.
If the wife is working, the children are neglected - you're a rachmonus.
If you move, it's expensive - you're a rachmonus.
If you can't move - you're a rachmonus.
If you attend a simcha every night - you're a rachmonus.
If you can't go to simchas - you're a rachmonus.
If you must take household help - you're a rachmonus.
If you don't have household help - you're a rachmonus.
If the husband is forced to help in the house - you're a rachmonus.
If your wife managed the entire household without your help - you're a rachmonus.
At fifty, if you don't have work - you're a rachmonus.
If you still "have to work" - you're a rachmonus.
If your married children come too often - you're a rachmonus.
If your married children don't come often - you're a rachmonus.
If you're busy caring for elderly parents - you're a rachmonus.
If you don't have parents ch"v - you're a rachmonus.
If you've married all your children at fifty - you're a rachmonus.
If you still have young children at home at fifty - you're a rachmonus.
At sixty, if you're both home all day - you're a rachmonus.
If your wife works and you're home all day - you're a rachmonus.
If your children must care for your needs in your old age - you're a rachmonus.
If your children don't care for your needs in your old age - you're a rachmonus.
If you live until you're old and weak - you're a rachmonus.
If you pass away young ch"v - you're a rachmonus.
But...
If you trust that everything Hashem does is for the good - you're happy.
If you trust that Hashem guides your every step with love - you're happy!
Subject: A Yiddisheh Mother! Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
You're going out?
Yes.
With whom?
With a friend.
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
I didn't leave him. He left me!
You let him leave you, and now you go out with any bodies and no bodies.
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
What are you hinting at?
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
He's not a loser.
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser size=3 and a parasite.
I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Poor children with such a mother.
Such as what?
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
ENOUGH !!!
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Now you're worried about the loser?
Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Goodbye, mother.
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Subject: Constipation. Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?
1) Cain, because he wasn't Abel.
2) Moses, because he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David, because he sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon, because neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah, because he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.
Subject: Girls Yeshiva Sports League. from www.bangitout.com. You know you're in a Girls Yeshiva Sports League when....
10. Daddy can't come to the games.
9. You can't fit your whole last name on the back of your jersey.
8. You trip over your skirt while running down the court.
7. After scoring a goal, your whole team screams out, "Shkoyach!"
6. You think the volleyball net is a mechitza.
5. When tennis becomes a mashal for life's ups and downs.
4. The Ref can't touch you.
3. Your coach is a Rabbi.
2. Before a game you scream, "WE'VE GOT RUACH, YES WE DO, WE'VE GOT RUACH HOW ABOUT YOU?!"
1. After the game someone comes over and recommends a shidduch for you because you "played so well".
Subject: Last Rites. Moishe was crossing the street in Miami when he was hit by a bus and knocked unconscious. A Catholic Priest arrived about the same time the paramedics got there. Not knowing his religion, the Priest administered last rites, following which Moishe's eyes fluttered and he was fully awake. The Priest told him about the last rites. Moishe said, "Well, a little change doesn't hurt" He couldn't wait to get home to tell his family about his experience.
When he got there he said to his wife, "Sadie, you won't believe what happened to your husband today." She said, "Moishe, I don't have time. I am late for a Hadassah meeting. Your T.V. dinner is in the oven. See you later."
Moishe then went to his daughter's room and said, "Darling, you should hear what happened to your Father today." She said, "Daddy, I am on the phone with a friend planning a wedding shower. Please close the door."
Moishe then went to look for his son who was just backing the car out of the driveway. "Son, let me tell you what happened today." The son said, "Dad, I am late for a date. I need the car and $100."
So Moishe went back into the house, shook his head and said. "Here I am, a gentile for only two hours and already I hate three Jews."
Subject: Little Shaindel. Little Shaindel was mother's helper.
She helped set the table when company was due for dinner.
Everything was ready and the guests arrived and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing.
"Shaindel," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Finkelstein's place."
"I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Shaindel. "Tatti says he always eats like a horse!"
Subject: M'shulach. from www.bangitout.com. Top Ten Ways You Know the M'shulach (Charity Collector) is Probably Not Legit.
10. He asks if you can catch him up on the latest episode of Will and Grace.
9. You can vaguely make out a Hooters logo underneath his white shirt.
8. His cell phone has the J-Lo "Jenny From The Block" ring.
7. Two words: detachable payos.
6. His rabbi's endorsement letter is covered in excessive white-out and pizza stains.
5. When you ask if his charity is tax deductible he responds, "Fo' shizzle, ma nizzle!"
4. He tells you to make your checks payable to Congregation "Ahavas Kesef."
3. He is dressed in a bekesha, streimel, gartel and brand new pair of Nike-Shox.
2. He has formal business cards made up.
1. He's wearing a Santa Suit.
Subject: Ma'ariv. When he young boy was asked by is father to say Ma'ariv, he realized he didn't have his yarmulke...so he asked his little brother, Moishale, to rest a hand on his head until Maariv was over. Moishale grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important Moishale, put your hand back on Dovid's head!"
To which Moishale exclaimed:
"What, am I my brother's kipah?"
Subject: Parrot. A Parrot was up for sale at $10,000.
The man asked why so much and the store owner says because the Parrot speaks every language.
"Do you Speak English?" "Yes I do."
"Parle Vous France?" "Oui Monsoiur."
"Habla Espanol?" "Si senor habla Espanol."
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" "Ya."
"PaRuski?" "Da."
Then the man figured that he would trap the Parrot.
Rede du Yiddish? - at this point the Parrot puts his foot to his beak.
"Mit ein grosse nase will ich nicht rede Yiddish?!"
Subject: Scenes from the Desert. An Arab was walking through the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied "I don't have any water, but you should buy a tie. Here's one that goes nicely with your robe." The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I don't want a tie, I need water!" "OK, don't buy a tie. I don't have any water, but to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a small restaurant. They'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped "I found it. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
Subject: Count Sefirat Omer. Top Ten Ways To Remember to Count Sefirat Omer.
10. 49 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.
9. Sing really elaborate "Who Knows One?" seder song.
8. Set alarm clock to go off every time second hand hits the corresponding sefirah day.
7. Make a mark on your hand under your "Remember Sammy Jankis" tattoo.
6. Kindly ask your secretary to remind you to count the daily wheat sheave offering.
5. Pledge to give money to local Islamic Jihad for every day you miss.
4. Initiate minhag to count only prime numbers.
3. Rename day's number after sports player who wears that number (Did we count Michael Jordan or Willie Mays today?)
2. Three Words: Yellow Post-it Bonanza.
1. Count sheep.
Subject: Ten Commandments. Why God gave the Jews the Ten Commandments.
This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" and God said, "They're free." and the Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
Subject: The Jewish Dog. Solly goes to visit Abe and sees he has a new dog. "So what kind of dog is this?", asks Solly.
"He's a Jewish dog", says Abe. "His name is Irving. Watch." "Irving", says Abe. "Fetch!"
Irving walks slowly to the door, then turns around, and out of his mouth comes the following: "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. Then you give me this ferkakta food with all the salt and fat and you tell me it's a special diet and it tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, give a pisch, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!"
Solly is amazed and he says to Abe how remarkable this is, to which Abe answers, "I don't know, I think this dog isn't so smart. His hearing is no good. I said fetch, and he thought I said kvetch."
Subject: Microsoft References to Judaism. from www.bangitout.com. Top 20 Microsoft References to Judaism.
20. Align Left, Align Right: Seating arrangement based on mechitza in shul (align center/justify for egalitarians)
19. Save As: Shabbos Leftovers for Sunday night dinner
18. Empty Deleted Items Folder: Yom Kippur
17. My Network Places: Shul Kiddush, JCC locker-room, Wedding Shmorg
16. Page Setup: Shidduch Dating (by the book)
15. Auto Signature: Seeing God in everything you do
14. Wrap Text, Shrink to Fit: Wearing Tefiilin with wet hair
13. Sort by Descending: Being judgmental of friends based on religious level
12. Mail Merge: At the sighting of an attractive woman after shul is over
11. Sent Items: The random "bag" of things we need to deliver when someone hears we are going to Israel (they become deleted items when El Al looses them)
10. Spell Check: When you search for 'chometz', but find 'no suggestions'
9. Italicized: Another name for Roman persecution
8. Copy and Paste: Continuously going to ESPN Zone as a cool first date
7. Insert Table: When someone decides to invite their 4 friends last minute to a shabbat meal
6. Away Message: hinting to your friends that you are off the derech; or in Florida for Pesach
5. Reply All: "I'Yimru, Amen"
4. Landscape or Portrait: Deciding whether to move to Englewood or Teaneck
3. Outlook Today: Fully customizable hashkafa
2. Undo, Redo: Teshuva in a nutshell
1. Header and Footer: Your 2 basic requirements: Will she cover her hair & only wear skirts
Subject: Your Moma is Soooo Jewish. from www.bangitout.com. She cried at your bris, primarily because you weren't engaged yet
She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach the night after Passover ends, to get all essentials on sale
She has called you 6 times today just to ask you how your day is going - it's 8am
She brings 2 extra empty suitcases on vacation exclusively for the Hotel Towels and shampoos
She named your first name "Barry" and your middle name "Manilow"
She goes to the doctor for any small thing, but mostly just to give out your picture to single MDs
She signed you up for the wedding registry at Sacks after your first shabbos walk
She's 3rd cousins with everyone reading this email
She cried at your bar/bat mitzvah, primarily because you weren't engaged yet
She treats all three cleaning ladies like family
She thinks women's prayer groups are for sissies
When I asked her what she's doing tonight, she responds "last night, I went to the movies"
She feels rebellious when she listens to Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl"
She hoards Sweet N' Low packets in her pocket book, even though she has a box at home
She cries over your every accomplishment, and over every episode of "The Wedding Story"
She listens to JM in the AM at night
She always has leftovers wrapped up to go, including that of the table next to yours (what, I should let this go to waste?)
She calls three times to remind you she is stuck in traffic
She cried at your graduation, primarily because you weren't engaged yet
She calls you again to remind you she is still stuck in traffic
She covers her hair in the shower
She expects everyone to understand her incoherent Yiddish, including the cleaners
She has no concept of whispering
She has a secret crush on Matt Lauer that she lets everyone know about
She makes early Shabbos...on Wednesday
She can't get over the fact that email stands for electronic mail
She confides in librarians and grocery checkout people more than her therapist
If she ever met Ghandi she would offer him a 7-course meal and not stop until every bite was finished
She could find Sadam and Osama through her power of guilt ("Would it kill you to pick up the phone and call me?")
She goes to the mikvah to do laps
She has served you egg salad every Tuesday for ten years, because you once said you loved egg salad when you were 6
She sets an extra seat at the shabbos table, just in case you meet you bashert on the way to her house
She got mad because you bought pot... at full price when you know that her cousin's brother in law could get a deal in Brooklyn
She will never let you leave the house without a coat, a dating interrogation and a bag of shabbos leftovers
She thinks Joan Rivers and Fran Drescher are annoying even though she sounds exactly like them
She puts gefilte fish in your lunch bag with a little cup of chrain and 2 forks
She has her wardrobe segmented by functions (frum, charedi, zionistic, modern, mixed dancing)
She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life so long as it includes grandchildren
Anytime she hears a dish fall, she screams mazal tov
I saw your mom carrying 10 shopping bags from Bloomingdales the other day, I said what are you doing, she said exercising
When you give her Mother's Day gift you can faintly hear her muttering "Just one grandchild, is that too much to ask for?"
Subject: Shona Tova. May this year be a healthy, joyous, and happy one. And...
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastroenterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber, and the IRS.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere during rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
May this Yom Tov, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may your checkbook and your budget balance, and may they include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your partner, your child, and your parent(s). You can say it to your secretary, your nurse, your butcher, your photographer, your masseuse, your seamstress, your hairdresser or your gym instructor, but not with a "twinkle" in your eye.
May we live as intended, in a world at peace with the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous part of ourselves.
Bless you with every happiness, great health, peace and much love during the next year and all those that follow.
Subject: Top Ten Jewish BLACKOUT 2003 Pickup Lines. from www.bangitout.com. 10. I prayed for a blind Shidduch date, and G-d has answered my prayers, literally.
9. Some say Darkness is a plague, but for me and you it's a real blessing.
8. Is your father an electrical engineer? No really, I'm serious, is he?
7. It's just like Shabbos, but I ain't muksah.
6. This may sound strange, but I think you may have just kissed my tzizits.
5. It takes two wicks to create a havdala candle, care to intertwine?
4. Did my Shabbos-clock stop ticking, or my heart.
3. Now we don't need to cover our eyes when we say Shema....al ha Mitah.
2. I think I may have just stepped on a glass, wait, am I moving too fast?
1. Tall, DARK, and handsome. 1 out of 3 ain't bad!
Subject: Happy New Year! You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.
With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As hours slip by.
Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes mother has to grate.
Honey, tsimus, latkes, chopped liver on our plate
The best that gelt can buy.
Some would send us to perdition,
But we're strengthened by tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.
Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Jewish stories that we all relate.
Blue-and-white gift wrap, everything that's great?
And festive chazerai!
It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry.
It's at yomtov when we feel most blessed,
As time goes by.
Subject: Marriage. A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding.
An anxious old man met him at the door.
The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Jewish woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the rabbi.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the rabbi asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said.
Subject: Suffering Jew. A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, Sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
Subject: Jewish Survivor. Carl Flush with the success of its latest reality creations, CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor.
Sixteen Jews are put in a two-bedroom co-op on the Upper West Side of New York. Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor who gets $1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age 59).
The Rules:
1. No maid service.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food from take-out or delivery, which includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. No calls to mother for women, office for men.
6. Outside trips must be by foot, bus or subway - no limos or cabs.
7. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats - no designer labels.
8. Zabars is off limits.
9. No Jewish Geography.
10. No, NY Times. Only, NY Post or NY Daily News.
11. No Pottery Barn, J. Crew, Lands End or William Sonoma catalogs.
12. Only one phone line for all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes. No cell phones.
13. Maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe, without help from any gentile.
14. All therapy sessions suspended.
15. No consulting with attorneys.
16. No facials or massages.
17. No dating non-Jews.
There have been no applicants as yet.
Subject: A Simple Cup of Coffee. What happens if a fly falls in a cup of coffee:
1) Englishman:
Throws his cup away and walks away.
2) American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.
3) Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.
4) Japanese:
Drinks the coffee with the insect since it is a free bonus.
5) Israeli:
Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese and gets himself a new cup of coffee.
6) Palestinian:
Accuses the Israeli for throwing the insect into his coffee.
Relates the issue to violence.
Asks the Americans for Military aid.
Takes a loan from America to buy another cup of coffee.
Throws the coffee at the Israeli.
Subject: Why a Good Cholent better than a Good Shidduch Date: from www.bangitout.com. 10. You are not embarrassed by the fact that your mom made it
9. Gives you a lot more than butterflies in your stomach
8. You can avoid all the fluff, and skip directly to the meat & potatoes
7. No awkward silences or conversations
6. You can openly schmooze about the nitty gritty details of it with your rebbeim
5. There is much more potential for heartbreak (i.e., heart attack)
4. Sheker Ha Chayn VHevel Hayofi -- the chunkier the better!
3. It comes with pot
2. If it doesn't go well, you can dump it instantly
1. Sleeping together is almost inevitable.
Subject: Ways to make Selichos Fun. from www.bangitout.com. 10. Slip N' Slide Selichos (perfect for hurricane)
9. Rapidly hit chest of the person next to you
8. All you can eat Selichos Sushi Buffet
7. Selichos Def Jam with 50 Cent, Ja Rule, and Ashanti.
6. They say vidui, you do the Macarena
5. Selichos Speed Dating
4. Create aveirah award ceremony, "Best Supporting Aveirah in a Comedy Role goes to..."
3. Instead of selichos, tear-jerking AT&T "Reach out" commercials are screened
2. While repenting, re-enact favorite synagogue scandals
1. Confuse Satan, and actually say the words
Subject: New Kosher Certifications. It used to be only food items that people looked for kosher supervision on. As time went by we started seeing hashgachas on paper utensils and disposable pans. What's next? Here are a few suggestions (Note: All of these are actual Hashgacha companies, although I sometimes I took liberties with the spellings):
Robitussin and Triaminic syrups: to be supervised by the Cough-K.
Shtaros for Heter Iska: to be supervised by the O.U.
Corrals for cattle: to be supervised by the O.K.
Safrus and Divrei Sta"m: to be supervised by the Torah-K
Architectural designs: to be supervised by the Badatz of Square and the Triangle-K
European Cars: to be supervised by the Volovo Rav
Raw Eggs in the shell: to be supervised by the Yoka Rav
Dental Work: to be supervised by the Bais Din of Crown Heights
Super-Glue: to be supervised by the Hisachdus
Alarm Systems: to be supervised by the Bais Din of Belz
Cardiac Hospitals: to be supervised by the Heart-K
Jewish Celebrities: to be supervised by the Star -K
Medications: to be supervised by the Tablet-K
Precious gems: to be supervised by the Diamond-K
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Abraham.
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