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Harry's Jokes might contain adult language.
I try to keep the jokes clean, but sometimes one is way too good to pass up.
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    Got a good joke that is not on these pages? Send it to HBH and I'll add it.    This site is constantly evolving and updating, with new jokes arriving every week.    So please visit again! -     Thanks! -     Any suggestions, warmly welcomed!

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Subject: Abraham.
Q: Why did God test Abraham with sacrificing his only son, Isaac, when Isaac was only 12?
A: Because had Isaac been 16, Abraham may have actually gone through with it.

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Subject: Kharkov.
Berelya, the butcher of a little town in the heart of the Pale of Settlement, and a scrupulous observer of religious injunctions, was busily engaged in his shop when a stranger entered and introduced himself as the new salesman.
"Where are you from?" asked Berelya, nothing the visitor's stylish suit.
"Born and raised in Kharkov," replied the salesman.
"Is that so?" exclaimed the butcher who had never been more than twenty-five miles from his village. "How many Jews are there in Kharkov?"
"Well, I'd say about fifty thousand."
"Hmmmm, that is indeed a large number of Jews to be in one place. By the way, how many gentiles are there in your city?"
"Somewhere in the neighborhood of a million."
Berelya's mouth fell open in amazement. "A million!" he finally gasped.
"What possible use can only 50,000 Jews have for a million gentiles?"

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Subject: You're being unreasonable.
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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Subject: Resolution.
Two sons were left a large piece of property by their father. For months they fought over how the land should be divided. Finally, they brought their problem to their rabbi and asked him to solve it.
"Come back tomorrow," said the rabbi, "and we'll talk."
The next day the sons returned and the rabbi gave them his solution.
"Toss a coin," he said to one of the brothers. "You call it, heads or tails," he said to the other. "The one who wins the toss, divides the land."
"That's no solution," said one of the brothers. "We're right back where we started from."
"Not so," said the rabbi. "The one who wins the toss divides the land;
but the other gets first choice."

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Subject: Lieberman.
Possible ramifications of Lieberman being a heartbeat away from the Oval Office.
1) National Anthem changed to "Sunrise, Sunset".
2) We all have to go the White House once a week for dinner -and bring something from the bakery.
3) Martin Sheen replaced on "West Wing" by Gary Shandling.
4) New Secretary of State - Barbara Streisand.
5) National symbol changed from bald eagle to "The Early Bird".
6) Annual Easter Egg Hunt changed to "Find the Matzoh Ball".
7) "Hail to the Chief" replaced with "Get A Load of the Big Macher".
8) White House interns - shiksas only!!
9) Plastic covers on White House furniture.
10) Balance the Budget? - Buy everything wholesale!!
11) White House brunches now include lox AND nova and a little kugel, some nice cheese, blintzes, maybe some eggs, but not too runny, every kind of bagel, and coffee...de-caf.
12) The Jackie Mason postage stamp.
13) Chinese food every Sunday night!!
14) The White House floors will be SPOTLESS.
15) Christmas tree will have Jewish star on top.
16) White House doctor will get more respect than the President.
17) Oval office conference table will always have a coffee cake in the middle.
18) Kids found bleeding when Afikomen is hidden in rose garden.
19) Nancy Reagan china replaced with Bloomingdales meat and dairy dishes.
20) Inaugural Ball held at Beth Shalom Social Center.
21) Press asking Lieberman's mother if she's proud of her son becoming Vice-President and she responds, "You should hear Mrs. Gore's news!!"
22) Camp David moved to Grossingers.
23) Number of Cabinet members adjusted to make a minion.
24) Men and women sit separately in press room.
25) Instead of a pen, every White House guest is offered a nice piece of fruit...maybe a sandwich.
26) Air Force One pilot sits low, with head below windshield, perpetually signals right.
27) All Mt. Rushmore figures get nose job.
28) At inauguration, Supreme Court Chief Justice gives President a kiddush cup and candlesticks.
29) All the trees Gore has saved are re-planted in Israel.
30) All military uniforms are changed because there's a MUCH better tailor who could do better work for HALF what they paid for those.

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Subject: Florida Living.
At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

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Subject: One Wacky Jew.
An army of Syrian soldiers, comprising tanks, mortar, infantry are traveling down the Golan heights to attack Israel. They come over the top of a hill, and down below is a small Jew yelling at them.
"Hey Abdul, I'm here and waiting. Nu, send me a few of your best".
The Syrian commander angrily orders a group of infantry to attack. After the dust settles, there's the Jew laughing. "That's the best you got? I seen tougher soldiers at my wife's Tupperware Parties ".
Enraged, the Syrian commander turns to his top Colonel telling him to take a platoon of tanks and kill the Jewish pest.
Again the dust settles, and again only the little Jew is left standing. "That's it?" he yells, "that's the best you could do? With this you'll be lucky if you could defeat a girl scout group".
The Syrian commander is beside himself with anger. He's about to take his entire army to attack the one wacky Jew. Just then one of the wounded Syrian soldiers, lying on the battle field, lifts his head and yells to his commander "Go back, go back!... It's a trap, ....there are two of them !"

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Subject: Did You Say Prostitute?
A Jewish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said, "Papa I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand over his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting , the mother and daughter, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner, killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed. "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
The old man sat bolt upright in bed, brushing the Rabbi aside, and was smiling.
"Did you say prostitute? That was a close one - I thought you said Protestant!"

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Subject: Punishment.
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment.
The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?"
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said, "But I boiled them first."

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Subject: Matchmaking.
A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize, to be his wife.
But Morty was stubborn. "I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a sample also."
The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl. "He says he is a good businessman, and he has to know exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample."
"Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I don't give. But, I will give him references!"

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Subject: The Sign.
The Anti-Defamation League has reported on the following sign posted in the front window of a local neighborhood business...
I'd rather do business with one thousand arabs, than one jew.
Ginsburg Funeral Home

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Subject: Four Jewish ladies.
Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery.

After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!"
The others sighed sympathetically.

Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!"
The others nodded.

A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!"
The others nodded as if in agreement.

Finally, the fourth woman said,
"Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"

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Subject: Light Bulb Jokes.
How many Nshei Chayil does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what seminary she went to. Everything depends on what seminary she went to.
**********
How many BYA girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, and the rest to take pictures.
***********
How many Hadar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, the rest to say Tehillim.
************
How many Bnos Chava girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the electrician - no one wants to get her hands dirty.
***********
How many BJJ girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they have Emunah that it will fix itself.
***********
How many Yavneh girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they don't realize that the light went out; the light of Torah keeps them going.
*************
How many BY Intensive girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None - -they're too busy changing diapers instead.
*************
How many Briskers does it take to change a light bulb?
That was a trick question. Briskers don't have electricity.
**************
How many Lakewooders does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they try to change the world instead.
**************
How many Chofetz Chaim boys does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw it in, and the rest to run to the Rosh Yeshivah to make sure its okay.
**************
How many BYDM teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to realize that only he can change himself, one step at a time.
***************
How many BYDM girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None. When the light bulb breaks, they just sit down and have a kumzits.
*************
How many Seminar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to fix it, and the rest to make up songs and call their friends up and tell them about their latest sem scare.
***************
How many seminary rejects does it take to change a light bulb?
There is no light for seminary rejects.

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Subject: Orange juice.
Two Jewish men, Mr. Cohen and Mr. Abrahams, sit down in a smart kosher restaurant and a snooty waiter comes over to take their order.
"Sirs, what can I get you?" enquires the waiter.
"A glass of orange juice," says Mr. Cohen.
"A glass of orange juice for me, too" says Mr Abrahams, "but please make sure the glass is clean."
The waiter stalks off in a disagreeable manner, and eventually comes back with two glasses of orange juice. "So," he says, "which one of you wanted the clean glass?"

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Subject: Andromeda.
A man is walking down the street in Scottsdale, Arizona, when a Beautiful woman appears out of nowhere, right in front of him. She is completely nude and has green skin. Stunned, the man starts to speak to her. "Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?"
"Oh," says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'outer space'."
"Andromeda?" says the man, "Wow! Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like you?"
"Yes," replies the woman, "everyone is green on Andromeda."
The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help noticing that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot?"
"Yes, they do," replies the woman.
"Please, may I ask you one more question?" The woman nods.
"I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers, and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth, diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedan women have large diamonds on their fingers?"
"Well," the woman answers, "not the shiksas."

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Subject: The Bronze Rat.
A man walks into a curio shop in Haifa. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat.
It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve shekels for the rat, one hundred shekels for the story," said the owner.
The man gave the man twelve shekels.
"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street.
This was disconcerting, he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronzed rat as far out into the Bay as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronzed Arab".

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Subject: Arafat et al.
The British in India (1930's) solved their problem of Muslim terrorist suicide bombings by burying the body of the Muslim terrorist in pig skin.
Although a *shahid* goes to Heaven, a *shahid* whose body touches a pig carcass or skin doesn't. The British simply publicized the burying of one such terrorist in a pig carcass and the large spate of suicide bombings ceased immediately.

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Subject: NOT TO WORRY.
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace.
There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good again, so the charity got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.

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Subject: Halachic Riddles.
1. When can a person be called to the Torah for 3 successive aliyot on the same day?
A Cohen who gets Maftir in the morning, and at mincha there is no Levi thus he gets 2 more in a row.

2. Someday, if they colonize the moon and there is a Jewish community, what blessing will they be unable to recite?
Kiddush Levana.

3. How can you have a mixture which is dairy, and when meat accidentally falls in, the mixture becomes parve (neither meat nor dairy)?
There is 59 parts vegetable mixed with one part milk or cheese and a piece of meat equal to the milk or cheese falls in.

4. What is the explanation of the following? "Shmini B'Shmini Shmini Shmini."
When you read Shemini for shabbos mincha on 8 Nisan, then you read Shemini 8 times.

5. One morning there were three people attending the same minyan.
Each finished the silent amidah at the same time, yet, during the repetition of the amidah, one responded "amen" 26 times, the second only 22 times and the third only three times. Can you explain this? (By the way, none of these people fell asleep or failed to respond amen as required.)
On Rosh Hodesh in Israel, the first person answers amen to 19 brachot, three zachrenus in Yaaleh veyavo, the bracha before birkas kohanim, and the three brachos of birchas kohanim (26). The second person is a kohen so he answers only 22. The third might be the chazan, probably answers the three brachos of Bircas Kohanim (which at least some poskim hold he can do).

6. What is the shortest word in the Torah?
The "heh" in "Ha" "LaHashem" at the beginning of Ha'Azinu.

7. The year 2000 is generally thought to have no particular significance to Jews, yet, the year 2000 is special in one respect: there is a particular commemoration that will not be observed in that calendar year. What day is it?
Asarah beTevet.

8. On what date in the Jewish calendar do we sometimes recite Hallel while, in other years, on the same date, we recite Tachanun?
Yom Haatzmaut, moved up to Thursday from Shabbat.
Also, the 3 Teves is a day on which we sometimes say Tachnun (when Rosh Chodesh Teves is two days so it's after Chanuka) and sometimes we say Hallel (when Rosh Chodesh Teves is one day because Kislev is 29 days and therefore 3 Teves is the eighth day of Chanuka).

9. Triplets and their cousin are born within two hours of each other.
Yet their circumcisions are on four consecutive days. How can this occur? (No consideration need be given to the international date line or any possible health related issues.)
One triplet was born a week before Erev Yom Tov in chutz Laaretz; (this cannot be on Rosh HaShanna).
The second is born Bein Hashemasot a week before the first day of Yom Tov.
The cousin is born Bein hashemashot the same day in Israel.
The third triplet is born after bein hashemashot a week before the first evening of Yom Tov.

10. Twins are born on the same day, Shabbat, yet their circumcisions are NOT on the same day. (The health of neither baby is an issue.)
One is born by Cesarian section, so his brit is postponed to Sunday.

11. Generally because Jerusalem is in an earlier time zone, rituals are performed earlier there than in New York. What celebration occurs earlier in New York than in Jerusalem.
Purim.

12. What single verse (i.e. the same verse, not different verses with the same words) is read publicly from the Torah most often?
I have to assume this does not count how many times we read v'Zos haBracha on Simchas Torah :-)
Bamidbar 28:3 or The overlap verse in the reading for Cohen and Levi on Rosh Hodesh.
That also assumes you do not follow Minhag HaGra, which repeats more than one passuk.

13. We read the next regular Shabbat weekly Torah reading at Shabbat mincha. What weekly parashah is read at Shabbat mincha in Israel but NEVER in the diaspora?
Bereshit--in the diaspora it's Vezot Haberacha.

Someone else suggested Masei, but that actually happens (that Masei is read separately in the diaspora) in 2005, 2008 and 2011 (among others) according to Spier's "The Comprehensive Hebrew Calendar" (Feldheim 1986). It just hasn't happened since 1984 so you have forgotten it.

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Subject: Havaii is the name.
A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument.
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.
"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.
And so it went all the way to the vacation.
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm alllll-ways right!"
As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!!!"

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Subject: Passover.
By the way last night I went to the supermarket to buy matzah and saw something new.
It was Bran Matzah..
On the box was written "Let My People Go."

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Subject: Direct Call to "Upstairs"
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
This time, the Chief Rabb refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insist, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

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Subject: A priest, minister and rabbi.
A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections.
Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The minister explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The rabbi then proclaims: "I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants he can take."

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Subject: A Rabbi.
A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May G-d bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money" she says?
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

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Subject: Bernie.
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"
Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"YES!" says Bernie.
Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."
Bernie: "Its true!"..
"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff),
"then show me what the dog can do."
"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.
When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

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Subject: Ready answer...
All Israeli Air Force Pilots have to take a class in ejection seat familiarization. The ejection seats were developed for high-speed airplanes, since the pilot would surely kill himself on the rear empennage, or simply wind shear itself could prove fatal.
During one of the familiarization courses, the instructor pointed out that should the pilot be injured or otherwise unable to open the parachute, that a barometric switch would open the parachute at ten thousand feet.
One of the students asked, "But what if he were over mountains higher than ten thousand feet?"
The instructor, used to being asked that question, replied, "There is also a switch designed to open the parachute on impact."

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Subject: Rabbinic wisdom.
Long ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a peddler came to the Rabbi's house. "Rabbi," he said, "I am going to kill myself!"
"Heaven, forbid!" cried the Rabbi, "What could make you have such a sinful thought?"
"Is it better than I should starve to death! Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!"
"Look," said the Rabbi, "the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you. Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count." The peddler had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at the Count's stables at 12 o'clock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing there.
"Oy, vay!" said the peddler, "I can't do this, the Count will have me hanged!"
"Don't worry," the Rabbi assured him, "take the horse and go in peace." Since in those days one did not disobey a Rabbi, the peddler did as he was told.
When he had gone the Rabbi lay down in the stall and went to sleep. The next morning the Count arrived with his groom and seeing the man asleep on the floor, kicked him and cried: "Hey you, who are you, what are you doing here, where is my horse?!"
The Rabbi sat up and rubbed his eyes. Then he jumped to his feet and raised his hands to the sky and cried: "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!" "What's this, what's this," cried the Count,"what is going on, who are you, where is my horse??!"
"Don't you understand?" said the Rabbi, "I was your horse! I used to be a famous scholar. But one night I succumbed to the Evil Impulse and stole money. In punishment the Holy One turned me into your horse. But in my misery I repented and prayed for forgiveness. Finally my prayers were heard and I have been changed back into a human being. Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!"
Now the Count was a devout man and a respecter of miracles and so he also cried, "Thanks be to God, creator of the Universe!" and let the Rabbi go.
Several weeks later the Count was riding through the town. Suddenly he spied the peddler leading his beautiful white stallion. He leaped from his carriage and ran to the beast, struck him brutally on the rear end with his riding crop and shrieked: "Scoundrel! Ingrate! Stealing again??!!"

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Subject: Chozrei B'Teshuva.
At a Chassidic wedding, the young CHOZER BITSHUVA assistant MASHGIACH goes from table to table and whispers: "The KALAH is a ZONAH!".
The chief MASHGIACH runs out and screams.
"Idiot! I told you to tell them that the CHALLAH is MEZONOT!"

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Subject: Jews.
An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. By the next table there are 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation.
The 2nd nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem."
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The 3rd nun says to Mother Superior let's go to New York.
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The 2nd nun again speaks and says let's go to Los Angles.
Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leans over and says with a Yiddish accent "vell vhy don't you go to hell, there are no Jews there!!!!"

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Subject: RELIGIOUS TECH SUPPORT.
Ring ring...
God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
Sinner: I seem to have lost my faith.
God: Was your faith installed by an ordained priest or a Catholic Minister?
Sinner: Ummm... lets see, I have a conformation, so it must have been a priest.
God: And have you been doing your Faith updates with Weekly Services©?
Sinner: Well, no, not all of them, but I did get the big upgrade at Christmas and Easter, and a few other Weekly Services here and there.
God: Have you recently heard any contrary Data that might have corrupted your faith?
Sinner: Not that I can think of...
God: Please remember that corrupting data can come in many forms, from Simple Lies ©(Microsoft) or Street Rhetoric (Internet), then there is that Guy Morgan at Just 4 Laughs Humor List! Have your Ears downloaded anything that might be construed as corrupting?
Sinner: Well I did listen to a bum on the street that said that God was asleep and that anyone who believes was being lulled into the fires of hell.
God: What you have is a paradox, that is the problem with your faith, you see, somehow you have an INI string installed that does not let you Believe in God, but the output of this string is a Goto Hell. Without God there is no hell, thus the paradox.
Sinner: And how do I get this Paradox out of my system?
God: Please re-read the book that came with your faith, The Bible™ and recall the passages that deal with heaven and hell, and look to the passages about Judas.ini ©. You can also find some help in the Psalms 100-120, but those are long and confusing and should only be used with a complete lack of Faith.
Sinner: And what can I do so that my Faith never becomes corrupted again?
God: Well there are several products out there just for that purpose, Lotus Devout™, Microsoft Seminary Plus™, and Netscape Hereafter Browser™. If you use these products and not download data from know corrupting sources, you should be fine.
Sinner: Well thank you very much God, This should help out a lot, I should be believing in you without a doubt in no time.
God: Go in Peace™ my son.
Ring ring...
God: Hello this is the religion help line, what is your disbelief?
Sinner: Hello, I am now Jewish™...

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Subject: Story from Chelm.
Two inhabitants of Chelm, Berl and Schmerl, buy in the city a jug of genever and decide to sell it exclusively for cash. On the road, going home, Schmerl gets thirsty and says: "I wouldn't mind to have a little genever. I'll pay of course, here is a nickel." Berl agrees. A little while later, he also is thirsty. He pays a nickel and drinks. It is a hot day, both are thirsty and the nickel switches owners frequently. When they arrive in Chelm at night, the jug is empty.
"How was business?" asks a bystander.
"Wonderful!" they both assure him, "Everything sold in one day, and paid for in cash!"

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Subject: IF MICROSOFT WAS JEWISH.
1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklemmt."
2. When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles."
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!".
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukhes."
9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".
10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies."
11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
13. When running "Scan Disk," you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!".
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Shloofie"
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mahjong."
19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."

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Subject: Gemarrah kop.
A man wants to build a house. So he goes to his rebbe and asks him for advice. The rebbe says, "Here. take this gemarrah, masechet batim. Open it up to daf kuf yud aleph, and study it. You'll find out exactly how to build a house."
So, he takes the gemarrah, goes home, learns it, reads he has to measure 8 amot here, 12 tefachim here ... After two months he has a gorgeous house. He calls all his friends for the dedication. He stands at the outside door to put up the mezuzah, gives a bang with hammer and .. CRASH!... the whole house falls down.
Puzzled, the man goes back to his rebbe and explains what has happened. The rebbe bursts, "Shmendrick! You think he gemarrah can be read like a novel??? It takes time! Go get yourself a chevrusa and learn it together with the rishonim (commentary). Repeat and memorize everything ten times. THEN go build your house!"
So, this time, the man does as his rebbe advises. he is more meticulous, and he builds the house almost the same as before. Again, he calls his friends for the dedication. Again, he gives a bang to put up the mezuzah, and .... CRASH! The house collapses again.
Now, the man is furious! He bursts into the rebbe's study without knocking, and throws the gemarrah down on his desk. "Rebbe," He says. "I did exactly as you told me. I got a chevrusa. We studied the gemarrah together very carefully. I memorized it, and I did exactly as the gemarrah says. Now, Why does the house collapse when I try to put up the mezuzah?"
The rebbe takes the gemarrah, scans the page carefully for five minutes. Finally, he says, "You know, that's interesting. Rashi asks the same question!"

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Subject: Shul.
Jack Rabinowitz was the President of the Beth David Congregation for many years. As President of the shul, he received Shlishi every Shabbos. After a long term in office, the shul decided that it was time for fresh blood, and installed a new President. The new President, as was his right, would receive Shlishi every Shabbos.
Rabinowitz was furious: "I won't give any more money to this shul," he said. "Not one red cent." The shul Board was fit to be tied, for Rabinowitz was one of the shul's biggest contributors. It was agreed that a delegation would be sent to speak with him.
"Look, Jack," urged Sam Cohen, "we can give you a different aliya every Shabbos. You can have Revii or even Shishi. Just not Shlishi." But Rabinowitz wouldn't budge. After several attempts to persuade him, Cohen said, "Jack, tell us what's wrong."
Rabinowitz looked Cohen in the eye and said, "Sam, it took me years to learn the brachos for Shlishi. There's no way I'm going through that again for Revii or Shishi!"

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Subject: Shona Tova joke.
"Tashlich" - to send away - Traditionally a service performed by Jews at Rosh Hashanah, it is the ceremonial casting of bread into a flowing body of water to symbolize the casting away ones sins.
After much controversy among the Rabbis, they have finally come up with the list of items needed for your Rosh Hashanah Tashlich Service.
for ordinary sins - white bread
for exotic sins - French bread
for particularly dark sins - pumpernickel
for complex sins - multi-grain
for twisted sins - pretzels
for tasteless sins - rice cakes
for sins of indecision - waffles
for sins committed in haste - matzah
for sins committed in less than 18 minutes - shmurah matzah
for sins of chutzpa - fresh bread
for substance abuse - poppy seed
for committing arson - toast
for committing auto theft - caraway
for being ill tempered - sourdough
for silliness - nut bread
for not giving full value - shortbread
for jingoism - Yankee Doodles
for excessive use of irony - rye bread
for telling bad jokes - corn bread
for hardening our hearts - jelly doughnuts
for being money hungry - enriched bread of raw dough
for war mongering - Kaiser rolls
for immodest dressing - tarts
for causing injury or damage to others - tortes
for promiscuity - hot buns
for racism - crackers
for sophisticated racism - Ritz crackers
for davening off tune - flat bread
for being holier than thou - bagels
for unfairly unbraiding another - challah
for indecent photograph - cheesecake
for trashing the environment - dumplings
for sins of laziness - any very long loaf
for sins of pride - puff pastry
for lying - baked goods with Nutra Sweet and Olestra
for wearing tasteless hats - Tam Tams
for sins of the righteous - angel food cake
for selling your soul - devils food cake
for lust in your heart - Wonder Bread
for inhaling - stoned wheat
Smile, be happy and healthy, and enjoy a sin free year!!!

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Subject: BIBLICALLY SPEAKING.
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "Where wuz all the grown-ups?"

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Subject: Texan Baby.
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
WOW! From all and congratulations.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

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Subject: The Parrot.
MEYER, A LONELY WIDOWER, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du... yeah, du... outside, standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. He had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!" Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!" Nothing.
After Rosh Hashona services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

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Subject: The Psychiatrist.
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

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Subject: Fishing.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are out fishing in the middle of a lake.
The priest tells his two colleagues, "I forgot my fishing pole in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares in amazement.
A half hour later, the minister says, "I need to use the bathroom." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across the water, finds the nearest men's room, and walks back across the water and gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something to drink; there's a refreshment stand up on the beach." He stands up, puts his feet on the water, and SPLASH goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!!
Again, he is dragged out, and again he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks are?"

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Subject: Golf.
A rabbi and a minister are playing golf. They decide to play for $5 a hole. On the third hole, the minister hits his ball into the rough. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," the minister says to the rabbi. After several minutes, neither has had any luck, and, anxious to win, the minister pulls out another ball and drops it on the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.
The rabbi looks at him, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?!?"
"Cheat?! I found my ball right here!"
"And a liar, too!!!" the rabbi says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball since we got here."

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Subject: Talking.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Saturday morning, on the way home from the synagogue, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills on the sidewalk.
Of course, since it was Shabbat, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money.
So he prayed to God, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.

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Subject: Manny the Cohen.
Manny Schwartz approached the rabbi of his synagogue and said to him, "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that it is impossible!
Manny offers the rabbi $10,000, but the rabbi won't budge. He offers $50,000...then $100,000. Finally, the rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches him Talmud. After six months of classes, the rabbi tells Manny, "Okay. Now you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his face, says the brachot, and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the rabbi is still troubled and a little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was so important to him to be a Cohen. Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen, too!"

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Subject: A new car.
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.

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Subject: Space.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are sent into space. On their reentry, as the shuttle returns to earth, there is a large group of reporters waiting for them on the landing strip. The minister emerges first, with a special glow in his eyes. A reporter asks him how he felt, circling the earth in space. The minister replies, "I felt very close to Jesus up there!"
The priest emerges with a very satisfied look on his face. The same reporter yells out, "Father, what was it like in space?" The priest answers, "It seemed like I could almost reach out and touch Mary and all the saints."
The rabbi is the last to appear, and he looks exhausted and haggard.
The reporter asks him what space was like, and he moans, "Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv, Shacharit, Mincha, Ma'ariv..."
[Ed. note: Jews are required to say prayers three times a day:
Shacharit, which is done between dawn and midday; Mincha, which is done between midday and dusk; and Ma'ariv, which is done between sunset and midnight. The exact timing is determined by the position of the sun in the sky.]

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Subject: Chelm.
Chelm is a town in Poland, reputed in Jewish humor to have a very dense population...

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Subject: A new synagogue.
The Jews of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. They were going to need a lot of wood for the construction. Luckily, there was a large forest located on a hill just outside of town. A number of Chelmites went out to the forest the next day and started cutting down trees. They soon had enough to build the new synagogue. To transport the wood to town, they split into teams of four. Each team carried one tree down the hill and back to town. Just as they arrived with the very last tree, a stranger visiting town asked, "Why didn't you just roll the trees down the hill?" The mayor of Chelm hit himself in the forehead and said,
"Of course! Why didn't we think of that?!" He then ordered all the workers to carry the trees back up the hill and roll them down.

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Subject: A walk.
Two Chelmites went for a walk. The first one said, "Look! Bear tracks!"
The second one disagreed, "No, those are deer tracks!" They were still arguing about it when they were hit by a train.

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Subject: The cow.
A stranger came to visit Chelm, together with his very old, very skinny cow. The mayor of Chelm insisted the stranger stay in his home during that time and even made room in his own barn for the cow. The stranger was a little worried about being in a strange town, so, he hid his gold in the straw in the barn under his cow.
The next morning, the mayor walked into the barn to care for his animals, and he noticed the gold in the straw. He figured out that this cow, unlike all other cows, gave gold instead of milk. He was very excited!!
He called a special meeting of the Chelm Town Council and insisted that they buy the cow from the stranger. They collected money from all the citizens in town.
The mayor asked the stranger if he would be willing to sell the cow, and he offered double the usual price for a good milk cow. The stranger started to protest that the cow wasn't worth that much, but the mayor misunderstood and increased his offer. The more the stranger protested, the more the mayor offered. Finally, completely confused, the stranger agreed to sell.
The mayor gave the scrawny cow the best stall in his barn. He fed her the very best feed in town. The next morning, the mayor approached the cow to milk her. As he started, he was very surprised to find that the cow gave...milk! And not even very good milk!!
The mayor was annoyed. The stranger had sold him a cow that gave gold, but all he had gotten was milk! He reported back to the Town Council.
They were angry. When they told the townspeople, everyone was furious! They decided to track down the stranger to get their money back.
They found the stranger in the next town. With everyone yelling at him all at once, he had no idea what was going on, but eventually, he figured it out. He turned to the mayor and asked, "Did you feed the cow?"
The mayor answered, "Of course we fed the cow! Do you think we don't know how to care for a cow?!!"
The stranger answered, "Did you ever have a cow that gave gold before?
Didn't you notice how scrawny she was when I came into town? There's only one way to get her to give gold... You have to stop feeding her! But, it took me weeks to teach her to not eat. This is what you have to do. Every day, feed her a little less. At the end of three weeks, you should be able to cut her down to eating nothing. The next day, milk her, and she will give gold again."
The Chelmites look at the stranger, embarrassed about their previous anger at him. They return to Chelm and start the feeding regimen that the stranger told them. The cow got skinnier and skinnier, and the mayor of Chelm was very pleased. Until, one morning, on the very first day she would have gotten no food, the cow was found dead in her stall.
The people of Chelm were, of course, very disappointed. But they always looked back nostalgically on the day when, if only their cow hadn't died, they would have been the richest town in Poland...

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Subject: Cookies.
Schmulik from Chelm visited another town. A local man asked him: "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Schmulik replied, "Oh, about five..." The local guy replied, "No, you're wrong! You can only eat one. After that you stomach's not empty anymore!!"
Schmulik returned to Chelm and asked Moysheh, "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?" Moysheh answered, "Two." Schmulik told him, "Too bad. If you had said, 'five', I would have had a great joke for you!"

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Subject: Waking the rabbi.
The rabbi of Chelm and one of his students were spending the night at the inn. The student asked the servant to wake him at dawn because he was to take an early train. The servant did so. Not wishing to wake the rabbi, the student groped in the dark for his clothes and, in his haste, he put on the long rabbinical gabardine. He hurried to the station, and, as he entered the train, he was struck dumb with amazement as he looked at himself in the compartment mirror.
"What an idiot that servant is!" he cried angrily. "I asked him to wake me, instead he went and woke the rabbi!"

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Subject: Fixing the roof.
A carpenter in Chelm is fixing the roof, but as he works, he throws away about half the nails. The mayor is passing by, and asks him why he's wasting so many nails. The carpenter answers, "I take a nail out of the bag, and if it's facing the roof, I use it; if it's facing away, I know it's defective and throw it away."
The mayor tells him, "You fool! Those are for the other side!!"

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Subject: Inventions.
The newest inventions from Chelm:

• The water-proof towel
  
• Glow in the dark sunglasses
  
• Solar powered flashlights
  
• Submarine screen doors
  
• A book on how to read
  
• Inflatable dart boards
  
• A dictionary index
  
• Powdered water
  
• Pedal-powered wheel chairs
  
• Waterproof tea bags
  
• Zero proof alcohol

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Subject: Chutzpa.
A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.

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Subject: Herpes.
There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street. Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes."
Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes... who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home -- I'll look it up and call you." So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth... "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry! It says . . . herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

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Subject: A bear.
A Jew is camping in the woods, when she notices a bear 60 feet away. Just as she notices the bear, the bear notices her. The Jew starts running; ,the bear follows. She runs as fast as she can, but when she looks back next time, she sees the bear is only 40 feet away. She pushes herself even harder, running and running. The bear is still gaining--only 20 feet to go. She starts running even harder, but the bear is still catching up with her! When she can't even run anymore, she stops and says a silent prayer to God, "Please, God, let that be a good Jewish bear!"
From less than 10 feet away, she hears the bear mumbling in Hebrew. She is just about to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God when she catches the end of the bear's mumblings, "...ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz."
[The blessing before eating a meal]

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Subject: The lottery.
This Jewish couple won 20 million in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London, England.
They found the perfect butler and brought him back to the U.S.. On the next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting their friends the Cohens over for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.
When the couple returned that evening they found the table set for eight.
They asked the butler why eight when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four?
The butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."

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Subject: Holiday.
Hitler is worried about his mortality. He goes to a psychic to ask about his death.
She closes her eyes and silently thinks for a few minutes. When she opens her eyes again, she speaks: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?" Hitler asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whatever day you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday.

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Subject: The Prime Minister.
When Golda Meir visited President Nixon, he asked how things were going in the new Israel nation.
"I have many many problems," she replied.
Nixon said, "Why? You are the Prime Minister of 8 million, while I am the President of 200 million people. "
To which Golda replied: "You are the President of 200 million people, while I am the Prime Minister of 8 million Prime Ministers."

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Subject: Mothers.
Mothers come in all shapes and sizes.
For example, an Italian Mother might chastise her offspring for not eating by saying, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill you."
A Jewish Mother on the other hand would say, "Eat your dinner, or I'll kill myself."

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Subject: Marrying a shiksa.
The Jewish father warned his son against marrying a shiksa [non-Jewish woman]. The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbat," the son replied. The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday.
It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbat."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."

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Subject: Jewish Holiday.
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."

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Subject: The Perfect Rabbi.
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 am until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the attached list. Then add your synagogue address to the bottom of the list, delete the first synagogue on the list, and send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too, within three days. In less than two weeks, you will receive 1,296 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks...so don't break the chain.

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Subject: Jewish Grammar Rules.

1. Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"
2. Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"
3. Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or what?"; "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?" (About now, a ,spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.)
4. Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my cooking is not good enough for you?"
5. Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Harry will go with" (drop "you").
6. Move subject to end of sentences: "Is she getting heavy, that Esther?"
7. Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating that Norman fellow?"
8. Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the Goldman's for hosting the Seder." (Translation: "What, you didn't eat and drink too, at my Seder? You slob, you didn't send a thank you note!")

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Subject: Vocabulary.
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic.
It is very difficult to know when to call someone mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus vus ehr reht... Here are a few words to get you started.

1. "Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac ,schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"
2. Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.
3. Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"
4. Schmoe--See schmuck.
5. Schmata--Rag (ugly dress), as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?"
6. Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?"

Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up.
Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase, however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)
Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation. If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're very bored.
Practice Question:
You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who gave that maniac a driver's license?"
Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile ownership over public transportation to support the automotive industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since, most anyone can get a driver's license."
Correct answer: "Those government schmucks."
Non-Jews can also profit from learning these nuances. When shopping in ,the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the schmuck schmuck who shouldn't feed his own children?" The untrained Gentile simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the negotiations begin."

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Subject: A lemon.
The strong man in the circus had a special act that he performed at each show. He would take a lemon, squeeze it as hard as he possibly could, removing all the juice. He would then challenge any member of the audience to come up to the middle ring and get one drop of juice from he lemon. He promised to pay $100 to anyone who could get more juice from the lemon. Week after week, month after month, big, burly men and women would squeeze and squeeze, and not get even a drop.
One day, a small, mousy man came up to the strong man. He took the lemon.
The audience laughed; after seven big strong people couldn't get a drop, this man thought he could do better?! He squeezed the lemon, and, amazingly, lemon juice dripped onto the floor!! Then an actual stream of juice flowed!! He handed the dry lemon back to the strong man.
The strong man, amazed, turned to the little guy, handed him a $100 bill, and asked him what he did for a living. The man answered, "I work for the UJA."

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Subject: XX.
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX".
He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it.
All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
Mr. Schwartz answered, "Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!"

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Subject: Holiday time again.
Jewish holidays can be summed up in three sentences:
1. They tried to kill us.
2. We won.
3. Let's eat.

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Subject: A 3-day pass.
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

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Subject: Jewish telegram.
Jewish Telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

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Subject: Birkhat ha-gomeil (Adar humor alert).
IS ONE OBLIGATED, OR EVEN PERMITTED, TO "BENTSCH 'GOMEL'"AFTER FLYING ON A COMMUTER AIRLINE?
...
Rabbi Avraham Anan in his code, "Hilchot El Al" ruled that those flying to Israel do not "bentsch 'gomel'" after their flight, "as in these days, flying is statistically safer than driving, and who bothers to bentsch gomel after driving around Tel Aviv?" However, Rabbi Mordechai Mazon has ruled the opposite, that one does indeed "bentsch 'gomel'" after a flight, but only after a flight in which a meal has been served, and only if one actually eats the meal served by the airline. "The prayer is said for surviving the meal, not the flight." (Hilchot Hamazon 1:973)
In fact, R' Mazon even requires one to "bentsch 'gomel'" if one sins by eating a non-kosher airline meal. "It is meritorious to thank the Source of All Life for surviving the ordeal of eating a non-kosher airline meal, for one's very survival after eating such a meal is a sign that one is forgiven for the trangression. Eating a non-kosher airline meal is sufficient punishment for the sin of eating non-kosher food." (Hilchot HaMazon 1:974) And if one can give thanks for surviving a non-kosher airline meal, how much more so that one should "bentsch 'gomel'" for eating and surviving a kosher airline meal?
...
(c) 1996 by Joe Bachman for the Schlitzer Purim Torah Institute http://www.radix.net/~jbachman/liksplit.htm
For a more complete discussion of the problem, see the complete responsum.
Mishenichnas Adar...

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Subject: Leaving Russian...
A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.
At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"
Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meager belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.
"What is that" snarled the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer.
"Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust.
"What is that" said the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."
"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table.
"Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"

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Subject: Hilchos Oreos.
Although many significant events have shaped 5758 so far (U.S. troops in Bosnia, an erratic stock market, septuplets in Iowa, increasing tension the Middle East) certainly none can compare to the really big story this year, a genuine blockbuster that will change the lives of American Jews dramatically and cataclysmically. Unless we merit the coming of Mashiach, 5758 will go down in history as The Year That Oreos Became Kosher. Now that Nabisco has made the commitment to providing Jews (and the world at large) with kosher Oreos, we Jews have a responsibility to consider the halachic implications of this remarkable coup. I am not referring to the reliability of rabbinical hashgacha within Nabisco's factories, chas v'shalom.
Rather, my concern is income-based (how it's ingested) and outcome-based (digested). Halacha covers even the most picayune details of a Jew's everyday life. The reliance on seder, a certain order as part of the process, is integral to implementation. For example, the way we put on our shoes and tie them: we first put on the right shoe, then the left shoe, then we ti