 Jewish Buddhism.
Top 10 Orchadox Classifications.
Irish Jew.
Keeping the Peace.
Overheard on Shabbos.
Microsoft References to Judaism.
Things to Ponder.
Places NOT to go for Taschlich.
It Happened In Flatbush.
Female Astronaut.
Living in Israel too long!
The Haircut.
Teshuvah Hotline.
Things to Ponder.
Things GUYS don't.
Country-Western Songs.
Car Washing During the 9 Days.
All From One Daughter.
Bar Mitzvah Gift.
The Haircut.
The Big Time.
The Rabbi and the Sheriff.
Spot a Baal(at) Teshuvah.
Bracha question.
The Chazan.
Little Kids & Church.
Litvish English.
Einstein's Theory.
Chinese Restaurant.
The 10 Commandments.
The Levy Residence.
Top Yiddish Movies.
Dietary Laws.
Moishe.
Israeli Shuttle.
Abe and Moishe.
The Angel's Visit.
Rabbi Bloom's Kitten.
Synagogue Bulletin Blunders.
Mazel.
Jewish Groaner.
Wise Men.
Thank You Notes.
Synagogue Bulletin Boards.
Urgent New Virus Warning.
Romantic Things to do.
Hebrew School.
Good News.
The Dog.
Rabbi's Meeting.
Israel.
Lieberman out of the Race.
Husband Shop.
Bill the Relative.
Things I Never Learned.
Assimilating In The Holiday Season.
Orthodox Jewish Company.
Hechsher on the Light Side.
Lieberman Becomes President.
Poker.
The Optimist.
Super Bowl in Israel.
Santa Claus.
How You Look At It.
The Three Samurai.
New Computer Virus.
Biblical Theme Songs.
News Flash.
Kosher Vegetarian.
Arafat.
The Perfect Rabbi.
Watchman.
Looking For A Shidduch.
Duracell.
Blintzes.
Mad Cow Outbreak.
Robin Williams Peace Plan.
Rabbi Green.
One Sheitel.
Family.
Arab Doctor.
Our Involvement.
Jewish Proverb.
The Caruso Canary.
72 Virgins.
Muslims.
The Chazzan.
Gibson's Passion.
To Change a Light Bulb?
Your Mom is So Jewish That.
Probably True.
The Wig Burning Song.
Tradition?
Passover is Approaching.
Jewish Reality Shows.
Kosher Computer.
Indian Sheitels.
The Rabbi & Priest.
72 Virgins.
Such A Big Brunch Bill.
Sun or the Moon.
The Will.
Newspaper Headlines in 1776.
Witness.
The Provider.
Country Club.
Jewish Zodiac.
Goldberg.
The Driver.
Blame it all on Moses.
Toilet Seat.
Did You Know?
Tape Players.
Smart Business Man.
Jewish Blood.
Sherlock Holmes.
The Pope & Jewish Golfer.
American Indian Jew.
Lost Wallet.
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| JOKES - Page 5 - Jewish Jokes |
Subscribe to Harry's FREE REGULAR OR JEWISH jokes via email here.
Harry's Jokes might contain adult language.
I try to keep the jokes clean, but sometimes one is way too good to pass up.
If you are offended by such, please do not read the jokes or subscribe to the mailing list.
Privacy/Disclosure Policy
 Top
Subject: Jewish Buddhism.
*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.
*Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
*Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
*Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
*Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
*Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
*Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
*The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
*Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
*The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
*Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
*In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"
*To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
Top
Subject: Top Ten Orchadox Classifications.
10. Standardox - You went to Jewish High school, Israel Yeshiva, YU, Married at 22, live in Teaneck to be near (supported by) your in-laws
9. Whorethodox - You definitely are not prude, but still "shomer" all 612 of the other miztvos
8. Awkwardox - thanks to you srtict religious upbringing, any social event is an awkward one
7. Ignorethodox - You hit the snooze button on any Jewish law you feel may get in the way of your weekend plans
6. Hardcorethodox - You wear a black hat on the Free Fall at Great Adventure on Chol Hamoed
5. Botoxodox - You're retired in Florida -who needs these catagories, when you have grandkids
4. AlGorethodox - You have the most robotic stoic religious belief system in the world
3. Loxodox - bagels, cream cheese, and maybe some herring makes all of this Jewsih stuff worth it
2. Christian Diorthodox - You are not sure what holiday it is, but you already have the outfit picked out for it
1. Shmorgodox - just a little taste of everything
Top
Subject: Irish Jew.
A Dublin Jew, who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death. A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says,
"Do you believe in G-d the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and he asks me riddles!"
Top
Subject: Keeping the peace.
A Jewish merchant moves to a town in the deep south. The locals begin to murmur about him. "Who knows what's in those books he reads late into the night? And what of those strange letters he gets, in a language nobody else can read? He must be up to something." Word reaches the merchant, and he decides he must take action. He goes to the general store, where many of the good ol' boys hang out. They eye him suspiciously, but he's heading for the counter with money in hand.
He buys a shotgun and a box of shells. And he lives happily ever after.
Top
Subject: Overheard on Shabbos at the Great Lawn Central Park.
10. "Excuse me Mr. hotdog vendor, do you know what time minchah is?"
9. "That Rabbi Lookstien can sure fling a frisbee."
8. "Wow, is it Jewish Khaki Shorts pride day, today?"
7. "Is this the Great Lawn or the Great Synagogue?"
6. "That guy over there with the big black yarmulke, payis, and no shirt is hot!"
5. "Forget cholent, all I need right now for my shabbos nap is some SPF 15."
4. "Is tanning my skin one of the 39 melachos?"
3. "Is that blue and white tankini you're wearing in support of Israel?"
2. "Of course I can listen to my walkman, don't you know Manhattan is an island!"
1. "Who needs suntan lotion, when we got horseradish!"
Top
Subject: Microsoft References to Judaism.
20. Align Left, Align Right: Seating arrangement based on mechitza in shul (align center/justify for egalitarians)
19. Save As: Shabbos Leftovers for Sunday night dinner
18. Empty Deleted Items Folder: Yom Kippur
17. My Network Places: Shul Kiddush, JCC locker-room, Wedding Shmorg
16. Page Setup: Shidduch Dating (by the book)
15. Auto Signature: Seeing God in everything you do
14. Wrap Text, Shrink to Fit: Wearing Tefiilin with wet hair
13. Sort by Descending: Being judgmental of friends based on religious level
12. Mail Merge: At the sighting of an attractive woman after shul is over
11. Sent Items: The random "bag" of things we need to deliver when someone hears we are going to Israel (they become deleted items when El Al loses them)
10. Spell Check: When you search for 'chometz', but find 'no suggestions'
9. Italicized: Another name for Roman persecution
8. Copy and Paste: Continuously going to the same place for a first date
7. Insert Table: When someone decides to invite their 4 friends last minute to a Shabbat meal
6. Away Message: hinting to your friends that you are off the derech; or in Florida for Pesach
5. Reply All: "I'Yimru, Amen"
4. Landscape or Portrait: Deciding whether to move to Englewood or Teaneck
3. Outlook Today: Fully customizable hashkafa
2. Undo, Redo: Teshuva in a nutshell
1. Header and Footer: Your 2 basic requirements: Will she cover her hair & only wear skirts
Top
Subject: Things to Ponder.
Funny how $100 "looks" so big when you take it to synagogue, but so small when you take it to the mall.
Funny how long it takes to serve G-d for an hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at synagogue are, but how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people scramble to get a front row seat at any game or concert, but scramble to get a back seat at synagogue services.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a synagogue event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at the last moment.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple Midrash well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven - provided they do not have to believe, or think, or say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding G-d, people think twice about sharing.
Top
Subject: Places NOT to go for Taschlich.
10. Bermuda Triangle
9. Miami Seaquarium
8. Trevi Fountain
7. Red Sea Universal Studio Set
6. Sea of Tranquillity
5. Holy See
4. C-Span
3. Piranha Hatchery
2. Your Neighbor's Jacuzzi
1. The Mikveh of the "Other Shul" Where You Don't Daven
Top
Subject: It Happened In Flatbush.
A man and his chavrusa are learning in the local beit midrash.
"I have some wonderful news," says the man. "My daughter is getting married."
"Mazal Tov!" says his friend. "That's wonderful!"
"Thank you. Well, here's the thing. We've been learning together for over 20 years, and you're one of the most important people in my life. I'd really like you to be an Eyd for the wedding."
His friend looks suddenly embarrassed. "I'm sorry, old friend, but I'm afraid I can't accept. You see, I'm not Jewish." "What?! But how could you not be?"
"Well," says his friend, "I find shul to be very spiritually fulfilling, and the learning is the best intellectual stimulation around, to say nothing of this wonderful community. I've devoted my life to the mitzvot, but I've never actually converted."
The man is aghast. "But didn't we just learn that a goy who observes Shabbat incurs the death penalty?"
"Oh, no worries," says his friend. "I don't keep Shabbat. You see, every Saturday morning before going to shul, I put a key in my pocket."
"So? Our community has an Eruv."
"Feh," says his friend. "I don't hold by that Eruv!"
Top
Subject: Female Astronaut.
The female astronaut, Shannon Lucid, spent time on the Mir space station with the cosmonauts. While on Earth, she trained with them and learned some Russian. They knew English and were perfect gentlemen during the training.
After she arrived on the space station, they started making innuendos toward her. She asked why their behavior had changed from being perfect gentlemen that they were.
They replied...
[Scroll down...]
By Mir, Bist du Shoen!
(By me, you are pretty!)
Top
Subject: You know you have been living in Israel too long!
10) It seems perfectly normal to buy milk in bags.
9) You have met a nice Egged bus driver.
8) You automatically open your purse/pocketbook/briefcase when nearing a public building entrance.
7) It no longer disgusts you to buy unpackaged bread in open boxes outside of the grocery.
6) You wonder why people would have a use for fancy clothes.
5) You are no longer embarrassed by the fact that you have an overdraft - you actually join in bragging contests about its size.
4) You eat salad for breakfast.
3) As far as you know, there are only 3 kinds of cheese: white, yellow, and salty.
2) It no longer shocks you to see people's underwear (and other laundry) hanging outside their apartment.
1) It not only seems perfectly normal to have the toilet in one room and the tub/shower and sink in another, it makes sense.
Top
Subject: The Haircut.
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
Top
Subject: The Interactive Teshuvah Hotline.
Thank you for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline here in Heaven. Due to the approaching High Holidays, which is our busiest season, all of our telephone lines are temporarily busy. Please wait patiently as your call will be answered in sequence - and remember, patience is a virtue.
You will no doubt enjoy our musical selection of Yeshiva Rock and the Best of Shlomo Carlebach, while you wait.
Please note that these telephone lines will not be available on the two days of Rosh Hashana, and on Yom Kippur. For a voice recording in Ashkenazic English dialect, press 1, for Sephardic, press 2, for New York, press 3. If you are uncertain, press 4. This line is also available in other languages. For Hebrew, press 5, for Yiddish, press 6, for Russian, press 7, for others, press 8. Please note that our service is not available in Arabic or French.
If you have never used the Interactive Teshuva Hotline before, you will need to listen carefully to our simple sequenced instructions. This service is available for touch-tone telephone users as a supplement to your davening (praying) at shul over the Ten Days of Awe. It is not a substitute. Let us now begin.
To access your personalized account of all your known aveiros (transgressions), including dates and affected parties, please press 1 now. If you have not already apologized to the affected parties, please hang up now and call back when this has been done. For a personalized list of aveiros towards HaKadosh Baruch Hu, (Him) please press 2. Please note that in order to provide timely service to all callers, there is now a limit of 20 aveiros per person at one time. Politicians and Reform Party supporters will require several visits to complete their inventory. Humor columnists who frequently exceed their word counts or use big words should hang up now and try calling later, say, after the Millenium.
Please select the aveiros you have committed this past year. In case you have forgotten, we offer a list of the most popular aveirot. To activate this function, please press the pound (#) key. Once you have chosen the proper aveirah, enter the code and press the pound key to enter it. As you enter your aveirah, our service will prompt you for your Explanation. If you committed the aveirah because he/she did it, press 1.
If you did so by accident, but did not mean to, press 2. If you have a good reason, but won't tell anyone what it is, press 3. If you did so knowing you were wrong, but didn't think you would get caught, press 3. If you blame your legal counsel for the aveirah, press 4. If you blame the influence of Freud or television, press 5. If you blame it on Rock n' Roll, Rap and/or drugs, press 6. If you want to blame someone else for the aveirah but can't think of anyone in particular, press 7.
At the conclusion of your aveiros, enter the star (*) key. For those of you with 7 aveiros or less, we offer a Tzadik Express Line. Please press 1 to access this Express line now. This is only for real tzadikim: if you think you are a tzadik or tzadeket, you are probably not. Remember, no sneaking in with 8 or more aveirot. Please note that the same aveirah committed against two individuals counts as two items.
Now that you have entered your personal aveirot, you may access the Selichot component of our service. As our computer reads out each aveirah you have indicated, please enter the contrition code.
For example, a "1" means you are only mildly sorry for your action, "2" means you are somewhat sorry, but have mitigating circumstances and a good lawyer, "3" means you are very sorry but will likely repeat it and have a great lawyer, "4" means you are very very sorry, and will not repeat it unless there are mitigating circumstances and you have Dershowitz on retainer, and "5" means you are extremely sorry and will not repeat the aveirah under any circumstances, since you have only your second cousin's son-in law who failed the bar twice. Please proceed with your Selichos sequence now....
Our computer has now processed your request for Kaparah (atonement). Before we reveal the decision results, you may increase your score by pledging additional tzedakah to your favourite charity.
All major credit cards are accepted. Please enter your pledge amount (in US dollars), followed by your credit card number and expiry date. Thank you. Based on your Aveirah Score, Selichos Score and Tzedakah Score, you have been granted conditional atonement. This offer expires within one calendar year.
Thank you for visiting the Teshuva Hotline today, and remember, we know everything.
Top
Subject: Things to Ponder.
Funny how $100 "looks" so big when you take it to synagogue, but so small when you take it to the mall.
Funny how long it takes to serve G-d for an hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at synagogue are, but how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people scramble to get a front row seat at any game or concert, but scramble to get a back seat at synagogue services.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a synagogue event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at the last moment.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple Midrash well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven - provided they do not have to believe, or think, or say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding G-d, people think twice about sharing.
Top
Subject: Things GUYS don't because...It's the 9 Days.
10. Take out the garbage (equivalent to doing laundry)
9. Go to minyan on Mondays and Thursdays (equivalent to doing laundry)
8. Tie: wash the dishes/load dishes in dishwasher (equivalent to doing laundry)
7. Run out and get eggs (equivalent to doing laundry)
6. Stop staring across the mechitza (equivalent to doing laundry)
5. Call their parents to wish them a good shabbos (equivalent to doing laundry)
4. Clean their room (equivalent to doing laundry)
3. Getting the phone (equivalent to doing laundry)
2. Turn off the TV and come to the table (equivalent to doing laundry)
1. Diet (siyums allow for meat every night) (equivalent to doing laundry)
Top
Subject: Jewish Country-Western Songs.
1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honky Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot on the Glass, Where Are You?"
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Coming Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breakin' My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off With My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew It Meant Goodbye"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys" (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Built Up Over Years of Effort Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"
Top
Subject: Car Washing During the Nine Days.
One should refrain from washing one's car during the Nine-Days. It is considered especially meritorious to refrain from car washing if one is accustomed to washing his car every week.
For people who are sensitive and cannot accept the stigma of driving around with a dirty car, or perhaps, need a clean car exterior as a job requirement, the following guidelines should be followed: Preferably, one should ask a Goy to wash the car for him. If a person insists on washing their car themselves, they must be careful not to get wet during the process. Gloves, long sleeve shirts and pants are the recommended attire. Some Poskim feel that if your hose or water faucet is outside and the temperature is above 75 degrees Fahrenheit, that you should let the water run for at least a minute before filling up a bucket or spraying your car directly from the hose.
One should use an instant liquid thermometer or a laser spot thermometer to test the water and should not use their hands directly less they come in contact with lukewarm water or Rachmana L'tzlan, hot water.
In any case, the use of hot wax to bring back the lustrous, mirror like gloss to your car's finish is strictly forbidden.
Rabbi Menachem Uvel
Top
Subject: All From One Daughter.
Remember the 2 elderly Jewish ladies who meet? Says Sadie, beaming with pride: "Mine daughter just married an architect!"
"What?!" said Goldie, "I thought her husband was a lawyer!"
"No, no, that was her second husband!"
"Oy, and what about her first husband?" asked Goldie.
"Oh, he was a big doctor," said Sadie, smiling from ear to ear.
"Such nachas!" said Goldie, hugging Sadie, "& all from just one daughter!"
Top
Subject: Bar Mitzvah Gift.
There was a young man who was known for his lack of religious study. The rabbi of the congregation was not about to let this go unnoticed. The boy performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal preparation.
When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
But then the rabbi added a special gift. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem.......and now for my own special gift to you," with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lectern, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"
Top
Subject: The Haircut.
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
Top
Subject: Signs Your Assistant Rabbi Isn't Ready For The Big Time.
Instead of "Yasher Koach", pats each congregant on the butt, saying "Nice shot, slugger"
Constantly butting in line in front of kids to get to synagogue candy man
Constantly confuses "Baba Metzia" with "Baba Ganush"
When quoting Genesis, always throws in something about Phil Collins being an anti-semite
When asked a halachic question, responds "Now what would Encyclopedia Brown do?"
Cracks up every time he hears the word "Bereshit"
Constantly butting in line in front of kids to get to synagogue candy man
Can't remember who is after Grumpy when listing 12 sons of Yaacov
"Is tanning my skin one of the 39 melachos?"
The Parsha keeps changing, but his speech stays the same
Refers to Maimoinides as "Rambam Bigalo"
When it's time for the Rabbi's speech, he walks out
When making halachic decisions keeps referring to "Rav Artscroll"
Keeps peeking over the mechitzah
Keeps bidding on the kivudim instead of letting the members buy them for him
Offers to give a weekly shiur on love and dating to singles
He offers to sponsor a kiddush, then asks for matching funds from the kiddush club
He's totally satisfied with his position and has no plans to plot a coup against the Chief Rabbi
Frequently wears a tye-dye "puff the kosher dragon" t-shirt.
Does the "kiss the sky" gesture every time he's called for an aliyah.
Plays "enforcer" position for shul's ice hockey team.
Gives his parsha shiur straight off Gush website printout.
Always makes funny faces behind Rabbi during Sermons.
He's single and lives with 2 female room mates he went to JTS with.
Led youth Chanukah party through rousing rendition of Adam Sandler's "chanukah song" while consuming gin+tonika and marijuanika.
When Rabbi is away his pre-mussaf sermon goes, "I think we've prayed enough today, shul dismissed! let's kiddush!"
Often consults magic 8-ball when answering halachic questions.
He constantly flirts with the congregants - on his side of the mechitzah
Keeps getting the Artscroll and Soncino page numbers mixed up
Has to be woken up during layning to say the tefilah for Israel
He's "out" on day 2 of sefira.
Can't remember if it's the 3 weeks and the 9 days, or was it the 9 weeks and the 3 days...
His fly's open during the drashah
Thinking it was Purim, he comes to shul on Yom Kippur dressed up as a clown.
Comes back from the kiddush club drunk and smelling of herring.
When getting an aliyah, he goes up to the Torah with a linear transliterated Artscroll siddur.
He's tone deaf and can't play guitar.
Has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth when pronouncing a "Chet."
Every shiur he gives makes no sense, but ends with, "and we should be zoche to see the mashiach, bimheira v'yamainu, amen!"
He's 55 years old, was a car mechanic in his previous vocation, and rides a pick up truck (Can you say, "Uncle Jessie")
When a frum congregant asks an in-depth question about Rabbeinu Tam's teffilin, he replies, "That's very personal, please tell Rabbeinu Tam I would like to speak with him about it."
He sometimes gets confused and refers to Israel as the land of "Busser v'Chalev."
He's not related to the rabbi.
Politely asks congregants to refer to him as "Your Majesty"
His motto: Shake a hand, do a shot
Fails to use at least two made-up English words in speech
Thinks "Deuteronomy" is surfer slang for science
Starts Yom Tov speech with "Anyone got a light?"
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Subject: The Rabbi and the Sheriff.
The sheriff of a small town in the South was less than cooperative with the local Jewish community.
One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police.
The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."
"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary to first get in touch with their immediate family."
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Subject: Ways to Spot a Baal(at) Teshuvah.
10. Hebrew pronunciation sounds about 70% yeshivish; he just can't shake the other 30% that he learned in Reform Hebrew school.
9. He forgets to remove his earring before shul and you can see it under his Hamburg.
8. She wears stockings and sneakers, but forgot to remove her ankle bracelet and tatoo before going out in public.
7. On Shabbos, before he makes his plans for Saturday night, he prefaces them with "nisht Shabbos gebrokhts".
6. The person quickly corrects you when you refer to him/her as "Charlie" or "Nicole", giving you a new phonetically unrelated name like "Baruch" or "Rivka Miriam".
5. He is yotzei "all shittos" by wearing a bekish, gartel, light blue shirt, streimel (over a kippah serugah), and a Tallis with techeles.
4. He types his English e-mails on Chol Hamoed from right to left so that he is writing them with a "shinui".
3. He tells you that he doesn't trust the local Eruv, so he wears his Talis home from shul. But, unfortunately, he forgot that he is holding the empty Talis bag and pushing a stroller.
2. He tells you that he doesn't trust the local Eruv, so he wears his Talis home from shul. But, unfortunately, he forgot that it's Thursday.
1. At a Shalom Zachar, he is the only one drinking beer straight from the bottle; everyone else pours only half of a a bottle into a flimsy plastic cup.
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Subject: Bracha question.
What bracha do you make when chewing bubble gum during the next week?
Layshev Bazooka!!!
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Subject: The Chazan.
I once knew a chazan (cantor) who was so frum.
You ask: how frum was he?
He was so frum that he would never carry a tune on Shabbos!
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Subject: Little Kids & Church.
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
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Subject: Litvish English.
Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266419.
A short time later there's a knock on the door, and, when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls who ask him: "Are you the guy who ordered two shikses for one night?"
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Subject: Einstein's Theory.
A Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, Zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
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Subject: Chinese Restaurant.
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.
The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think.
After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
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Subject: The 10 Commandments, Southern Style.
1. Just one God.
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa.
3. No telling tales or gossipin.'
4. Git yourself to Shul.
5. Put nothin' before God.
6. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
7. No killin'.
8. Watch yer mouth.
9. Don't take what ain't yers.
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
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Subject: The Levy Residence.
"Hello, is this the Levy residence?"
"Ahah. Mit whom you vish to speak?"
"Is Mr. Levy there?"
"Dis time of the day? Mr. Levy is voikink."
"Is Thelma at home?"
"In school is Thelma."
"Then how about Harry? Can I speak to him?"
"Harry? In colletch is Harry. He should be a doctor."
"I see. Is this Mrs. Levy?"
"Mrs. Levy, she's shoppink in de supermokkit."
"Well, who is this?"
"Dis? Dis is Daisy, de schvartze!"
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Subject: Top Yiddish Movies.
1. GONIF WITH THE WIND - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
2. THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE - A Mohel murder mystery.
3. SCHNORER RAE - A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement.
4. BALABOOSTA COCKBURN - John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook.
5. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY - A kosher noodle western.
6. MOBY DRECK - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.
7. THE CINCINNATI YID - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation.
8. LITVAK BIG MAN - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant.
9. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES... Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
10. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER - Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.
11. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH - the extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips.
12. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE - an overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.
13. MAMZA POPPINS - A talented nanny has questions about her birth-legitimacy.
14. THE MATZO CANDIDATE - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that it's always Passover.
15. MISTER SCHNAPPS GOES TO WASHINGTON -Jimmy Stewart thinks he's still filming Harvey.
16. DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK - Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.
17. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE - Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
18. BORSCHT-TIME FOR BONZO -Ronald Reagan tries to train an Ashkenazi monkey.
19. SINGING IN THE CH'RAIN - Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella.
20. THE SIX CENTS... Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
21. SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS... Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
22. DREYDEL WILL ROCK... Chanukah toy comes alive.
23. OY OF THE BEHOLDER... Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
24. GOYS DON'T CRY... Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Tisha B'Av.
25. ISN'T SHE GEVALDIK... Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann.
26. STUART LADLE... Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
27. THE GREEN MOYEL... Young man performs first circumcision.
28. MUN ON THE MOON... Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling on lunar surface is not green cheese.
29. GOY STORY II... Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another.
30. ANGELA'S KASHAS... Woman reveals secret recipes.
31. SUPERNOVA... Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
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Subject: Dietary Laws.
You have to understand a little Yiddish to get this one.
Moishe one fine afternoon takes a walk in the forest near his home. After a while he has to relieve himself. This he does by squatting behind some bushes. There is no toilet paper so (YOU should excuse him) he wipes himself with some nearby leaves. After a while his backside begins to itch unbearably. Moishe quickly returns home calls a taxi and goes to the doctor.
"Moishe, I got some bad newsy appear to have wiped yourself with poison ivy", says the doctor.
"Oh my G-d what am I going to do?" cries Moishe. "The itching is driving me crazy."
"Don't worry", counsels the doctor. Here is some Sedlitz Powder. "Go home and put one packet in a gallon of warm water and soak your bottom in it for thirty minutes every four hours. It will take the itching away."
Moishe goes home and puts a packet of powder into a warm pot of water. He places this in the center of the kitchen floor and sits in it as ordered. After a short while his wife Sarah comes home and starts to scream at the sight of him sitting naked in a pot in the middle of the kitchen floor.
"Moishe bist meshuga? Vos tist du? Vos tist du?"
Moishe screams back trying to explain: the woods, the leaves, the doctor, the poison ivy, the powder etc etc.
"Ivy shmyvy", she screams back. "Nem aroyse dien fleischedickeh toochess fun der milichdickeh tepple."
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Subject: Moishe.
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."
"Who?"
"Moishe Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Moishe."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
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Subject: Israeli Shuttle.
Imagine if the Israelis were to send up a Space Shuttle
The flight would leave an hour late.
Instead of counting down from ten to blastoff, they'd read T'filat HaDerech.
As the astronauts prepared to board the spacecraft, a young girl in a cheap navy jacket would ask them who had packed their luggage.. She'd write their replies on her hand and nobody would understand why.
At least one of the astronauts would actually be plainclothes security.
The orbits around the Earth would take less time than 1 1/2 hours because the pilot would take a shortcut via a lower orbital level.
The Shuttle would tailgate the American Spacelab until it was able to pass it (on the right).
Each astronaut would have his or her own cellphone and spend most of the flight talking while they worked.
The crew might not get their work done because they keep slipping off to go shopping.
The Space Shuttle would be bulletproofed.
After two days in space, the Palestinian Authority would complain to the United Nations and CNN that The Space Shuttle was actually their property and had been for hundreds of years.
The next day United Nations would pass a resolution confirming this.
Thomas Friedman would suggest that the Israelis give the Palestinians half of the Shuttle.
Every time the astronauts appeared on live television, Judge Cheshin would threaten to cut off their press conference.
But it wouldn't matter because all of them, including Mission Control, would be talking at the same time so nobody would understand a word anyway.
The Shuttle would take two years for preparation - 6 months of training and a year and a half to argue who gets the seats.
The Shuttle would need double the amount of toilets.
And the astronauts would insist on drinking every hour (anyway the drinks come free with the ticket).
The Shuttle would need special air filters to clear out all the sunflower and pumpkin seeds.
The Israeli Space Shuttle would be the very first space craft with a satellite television dish attached.
The crew would be the only Israelis anywhere with clear reception of Arutz 7.
And the Israeli Shuttle would have to have windows that open the astronauts can't possibly go two weeks without fresh air.
On the re-entry landing, the Shuttle would have problems with overweight luggage.
Some of the overweight would be "souvenirs" pulled off of the Shuttle.
The astronauts would stand up to collect their things before the Shuttle came into the atmosphere.
And they'd applaud at touchdown.
The Space Shuttle would look like a mess after the flight.
At least half of the astronauts would put in a request to apply the mileage to their Frequent Flyers account.
The longest part of the trip would be standing at Passport Control at Lod Airport.
And the taxi home would be the most dangerous part!
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Subject: Abe and Moishe.
Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon.
"Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money already."
"How can I get into it Moishe?"
"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine. I'll let you have it for $120,000."
Abe agreed and gave Moishe a cheque for $120,000.
Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Umm, things are well, and with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money." "How is that? It was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "So, I gave him back his $5!"
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Subject: The Angel's Visit.
A Likud party member, a Labor party member, and a member of the Histadrut (Worker's Union) are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in. Unbeknownst to any of them, it is the earthly form of one of Hashem's Angels.
The Likudnik summons the waitress and asks her to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab. The waitress does so.
The Labor party member asks the waitress to please serve the poor man iced tea and put it on his tab. The waitress does so.
The Histadrut member asks the waitress to please serve the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and put it on his tab. Again, the waitress does so.
When the angel is finished eating, he goes over to the Likud man and says, "I was hungry, and you gave me what to eat. Thank you. I see that you are blind." He touches the man's eyes, and his blindness is healed.
The Angel then goes up to the Labor man and says, "I was thirsty, and you gave me what to drink. Thank you. I see that you have a lame leg." He touches the man's leg, and it is healed.
The Angel then approaches the Histadrut member.
Suddenly, the Histadrut man moves away quickly and shouts, "Don't touch me! Stay away! I'm on a hundred percent disability!"
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Subject: Rabbi Bloom's Kitten.
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom's kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn't come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - "Here kitty kitty," he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet's basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn't reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company.
Some days later, he met Freda in the deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats.
"Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won't believe me, Rabbi," she replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the sky ..."
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Subject: Synagogue Bulletin Blunders.
These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours".
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Subject: Mazel.
A shaddchan (matchmaker) corners a yeshiva bochur (student) and says, "Do I have a girl for you!"
"Not interested", replies the bochur.
"But she's beautiful!" says the shaddchan.
"Yeah?" says the bochur.
"Yes, and she's very rich too."
"Really?" "And she has great yichus (ancestry)! From a very fine family."
"Sounds great." says the bochur. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
Replies the shaddchan "Well, you can't have everything!"
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Subject: Jewish Groaner.
Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse?
Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour.
A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I'm appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."
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Subject: Wise Men.
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Moshe!"
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Subject: Thank You Notes.
A nagging Jewish mother decreed one Chanukah season that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given over the eight nights of Chanukah. The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandmother told a friend, triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year, I didn't sign their gift checks!"
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Subject: Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards.
The best vitamin for a Jew is B1.
Under same management for over 5763 years.
Soul food served here.
You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush; come to shul this Shabbos!
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
Come early for a good seat.
What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?
Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
To belittle is to be little.
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Subject: Urgent New Virus Warning.
A new virus has been detected that you may want to take precautions against.
This is the Palestinian Virus - a virus that settles in our PC, claims it was there before your PC was built or Bill Gates was born, then demands parts of your hard drive.
If you want the virus to leave you and your PC alone, you can try to give the virus the hard drive space it wants, but it will refuse the deal and start killing data on your computer.
Some people have suggested a solution for this virus problem is to give the virus its own PC. As stated above, this virus has been known to refuse the offer. Other nearby PCs won't take the virus either, even if the virus is compatible the other computers. The virus seems to want nothing less than to take over your entire computer and with the removal and destruction of all your data.
Software based anti-virus solutions have been proposed, but so far only hardware solutions have had any impact. The only solution we have been able to determine that may work is physical removal of the virus from your computer.
The only problem with this solution is all the other computers will object, and you will be castigated in the media and by the UN.
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Subject: Top Ten Romantic Things to do on Shabbos Valentine's
from www.bangitout.com.
10. Randomly make inappropriate comments like "wow, these are some hot buns" as you cut the challah.
9. Send her some Hershey Kisses: The traditional Shomer Negiah way of saying "First Base"
8. At the dinner table, make a heart shape out of gefilte fish jelly.
7. Tell her that the timer broke and "it looks like we'll have to make a romance novel of our own."
6. Greet the good looking ladies in shul with "Shabbadabing Shalom"
5. Candlelit Dinner, Wine... wait no that's every week.
4. Nothing says "I'm-not-quite-ready-to-make-a-commitment" like a box of Parave bittersweet chocolates.
3. Daven Kedusha to the melodic tune of "You're The Inspiration"
2. Assure her that you have jewelry but she is halachically forbidden to accept presents on Shabbos. Then hope she eventually forgets..
1. Two words: "Mitzvah" and "Night."
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Subject: Things I never Learned in Hebrew School.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
If your name were Lipschitz, you'd change it too.
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
Never take a front row seat at a bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
No meal is complete without leftovers.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Boca Raton.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
WASPs leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
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Subject: Good News.
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty."
"So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better..."
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Subject: The Dog.
An Orthodox rabbi moved into a town where heretofore there had only been a Reform rabbi. One evening he hears a soft knock on his back door. He opens it to find the president of the sisterhood of the Reform temple standing there with a shaila on a chicken.
"What did you do before I came to town?"
"I asked our rabbi."
"What did he tell you?"
"Give it to your dog. The pasuk says lakelev tashlichun oso, so if it's treif the dog will eat it."
"So why come to me now?"
"That dog is a tremendous machmir!".
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Subject: Rabbi's Meeting.
After a long, dry sermon, the rabbi announced that he wished to meet with the shul's board following the services. The first man to arrive and greet the rabbi was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the rabbi.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
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Subject: Israel.
This is the only country where the unemployed strike. This is the only country where the 'cross country' road ends before it reaches its half way, "Airport City 2000" is still closed in 2004, the water import begins on the rainiest year ever, and Pee GLILOT (where they produce gas) is being dismantled for over 8 years and still exists. This is the only country where 60 year olds still hate their TIRONUT commander. This is the only country that has 2 Treasury ministers and neither of them has a dime, a 101 year old rabbi establishes a political party, the prime-minister is not allowed to be the minister of Defense in accordance with a state committee resolution, the opposition forgot to elect a candidate for the capital city and the MPs who chose the right to be silent don't shut their mouths. This is the only country where the corporal's mother has the commander's telephone no., (so he should watch it). This is the only country that has a communication satellite, but nobody let you finish a sentence. This is the only country where missiles from Iraq have exploded, katiushas from Lebanon, suicide bombers from Gaza and rockets from Syria, and still a 3 room apartment costs more than in Paris.
This is the only country where female porn stars are being asked "what does your mother say about it", soccer players come to the field with their daddy to shout at the coach, and on Friday night when going to the parents, you sit on exactly the same chair you've been sitting on when you were 5.
This is the only country where an Israeli meal is made from an Arab salad, Romanian Kebab, Iraqi pita bread and Bavarian mousse (which is a county in Germany). We must like eating anti-Semitics.
This is the only country where the guy with the open shirt and stain on it is the honorable minister and the guy beside him with the suit and tie is his driver. This is the only country where the phrase "I didn't interfere" means that I want to interfere.
This is the only country where Muslims sell sacred souvenirs to Christians, in exchange for bills that have the RAMBAM's face on them.
This is the only country where at age 18 you leave home and at 24 you still live in it. This is the only country where people who come to visit you for the first time ask you if it's ok to "take something from the fridge". This is the only country where you can tell what the security situation from the songs that are being played on the radio. This is the only country where the rich are on the socialist left, the poor are on the capitalistic right and the bourgeois pay for everything.
This is the only country where it's no problem to get software that launches a space shuttle, but you have to wait for a week for your washing machine to be fixed. And only here (if we're touching the subject) there's a time unit called "I'll come sometime between eleven and six".
This is the only country where on the first date you ask a girl where she served in the army. And this is the only country where she was probably in a more militant job than you. This is the only country where between the happiest day and the saddest day there are exactly 60 seconds (Memorial Day and Independence Day).
This is the only country where most people can't explain why they live in it but they have loads of reasons why they can't live elsewhere.
This is the only country where if you hate politicians, hate clerks, hate the situation, hate the taxes, hate the quality of service and hate the weather, it must mean that you like it (the country).
This is the only country I could live in. It's my country.
by Efraim Kishon
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Subject: Top Ten Reasons Joe Lieberman Dropped out of the Presidential Race.
10. Couldn't get Congress to pass his "Leave work early on Friday" Bill
9. Thought he was running for the Presidency of the White Shul, not the White House
8. Only had enough campaign money to last for one campaign in 2000, but miraculously it lasted through most of a second run
7. Staff was getting tired of starting every conversation with "I don't want to speak about politics on Shabbos, BUT" (Nish Gshabbos geretin)
6. Thought it might effect his kid's shidduch prospects
5. White House wouldn't commit to having mezuzah's in the West Wing
4. Depressed to hear Jon Stewart turned down his VP offer
3. Bottom line: Jewish men can never commit
2. Didn't want the myth "Jews control America" to actually have some truth to it
1. Realized his speeches were boring enough to make it big...in the rabbinate
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Subject: Husband Shop.
Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.
Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"
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Subject: Bill the Relative.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Subject: Things I Never Learned in Hebrew School.
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
5. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
6. A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
7. You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
10. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
11. If your name were Lipschitz, you'd change it too.
12. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
13. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
14. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
15. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
16. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Boca Raton.
17. WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
18. Always whisper the names of diseases.
19. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
20. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
21. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
22. Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
23. The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
24. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at four in the afternoon in Florida.
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Subject: Top 10 Ways You Know You're Jewish But Assimilating In The Holiday Season.
10. You find yourself singing Shir Hamalos to the tune of Jingle Bells.
9. "Havdala on egg nog?" is a completely valid halachic question.
8. Your kids ask the shul's fat yeshivish candyman for a brand new bike.
7. Office christmas tree has at least one or two of your Succah decorations hanging on it.
6. You call kugel, "Holiday Soufflé" and rugalach "Fruit Cake".
5. Mistletoe posted next to your Mezuzah.
4. You call getting a date at Stern College, "Miracle on 34th St".
3. "B'nai Matisyahu HaKO-HO-HO-Hain".
2. You check the back of Artscroll siddur to see if you say tachnun on New Years.
1. You pay retail.
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Subject: 40 Reasons You Know That You Work for an Orthodox Jewish Company.
1. You spill your lunch all over yourself and your cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV."
2. There is a shamos box in the copy room.
3. People notice how many times per week you order in lunch, whom you order with, what exactly you're eating, and how much it cost.
4. The "director of human resources" tries to set you up on dates with 35 year old men who live in Fort Lee.
5. The soda-pop cans that are supposedly for every one in the organization are always under lock and key in a "special fridge."
6. You have to shout in Hebrew on the phone.
7. At least 4 people in your office are related to each other.
8. The only non-Jews around the place work in the accounting department.
9. No two employees have the exact same benefits plan.
10. Half the senior managers have masters degrees in Jewish Education and Jewish History. One person has a degree in business, but no one listens to him because he does not have smicha.
11. Microsoft spellcheck is useless because most words in memos are only vaguely reminiscent of English.
12. No one knows the difference between "its" and "it's."
13. Every job description is at least 10 years out of date. Or lost. Preferably, both.
14. Every employee carries the sales tax exempt number in his or her wallet. If an employee pays sales tax, it is reported to the Board for disciplinary action.
15. There is no Board secretary, because no one wanted the job. So Board members rotate and take turns in not writing up the minutes.
16. You get one day's notice to prepare your department's annual budget. (Only applies to very sophisticated operations; the rest do not, of course, have a budget.) Your budget is approved six months later, three months into the new fiscal year.
17. Except for administrative and clerical staff, everyone else gets paid on the basis of how much money they need. Or say they need. Or want.
18. There are many lengthy meetings, but no decisions are ever reached.
19. Men employed for the organization all (allegedly) have smicha and are considered professional staff. Women employed by the organization are considered support staff, but actually run the organization while the men run back and forth having meetings and looking busy.
20. It is commonplace and acceptable to refer to one's workplace/employer/organization as "Chelm"!
21. Every lay leader you speak to mentions that they have a grandson who's single
22. Callers can listen to cheesy Israeli music while on hold.
23. Even the non-Jewish staff wish everyone a Shabbat Shalom
24. Everyone immediately checks the Holiday Calendar to see how many Jewish holidays fall on weekdays
25. One day someone is a security guard, the next day he has an office and an email is sent out welcoming the new "campaign associate."
26. You can leave your wallet out in plain sight and never have it stolen but don't even think of leaving your lunch unattended
27. All inter-office emails end with Tizku L'Mitzvos
28. "Girl" is a term that refers to any female between the age of 2 and 65.
29. The allure of the office blood drive is the free lunch
30. Your high school schedule of early dismissal on short Fridays, short short Fridays and Rosh Chodesh Fridays actually applies at work too.
31. You get questions at work like, "If food has a small OU, does that make it less kosher than something with a big OU?"
32. Friday afternoon is eerily quiet after 1PM.
33. What's a Holiday Bonus?!?
34. You constantly see your coworkers socially, and not on purpose.
35. All office events are catered by the same kosher restaurant over and over again, until you never want to eat their food, smell their food or think about their food again.
36. You have off on Jewish Holidays, Legal Holidays, Christian Holidays, African Holidays, Canadian Holidays, Calendar Holidays...
37. You work with the vying champions of the "how many phone numbers can you fit on one post-it note" contest.
38. No two pieces of office furniture match.
39. Women who take maternity leave never come back
40. On Sukkos, there is a lulav and esrog in the conference room with a sheet on how to fulfil the mitzva.
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Subject: Hechsher on the Light Side.
Cardiac Hospitals: to be supervised by the Heart-K
Medications: to be supervised by the Tablet-K
Robitussin and Triaminic syrups: to be supervised by the Cough-K.
Precious gems: to be supervised by the Diamond-K
Corrals for cattle: to be supervised by the O.K.
Jewish Celebrities: to be supervised by the Star-K
Architectural designs: to be supervised by the Triangle-K and the Badatz of Square
Heter Iska (documentation for business loans): to be supervised by the Owe.U.
Raw Eggs in the shell: to be supervised by the Yoka Rav
Alarm Systems: to be supervised by the Bait Din of Belz
Dental Work: to be supervised by the Bait Din of Crown Heights
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Subject: When Lieberman Becomes President.
1) White House brunches will include lox AND nova and a little kugel, some nice cheese blintzes, maybe some eggs, but not too runny, every kind of bagel, and coffee - de-caf.
2) The Jackie Mason and Hank Greenberg postage stamps.
3) Chinese food every Sunday night!
4) The White House floors will be SPOTLESS.
5) Christmas tree will have Jewish star on top.
6) White House doctor will get more respect than the President.
7) Oval office conference table will always have prune danish in the middle.
8) Afikomen will be hidden in rose garden.
9) Nancy Reagan China replaced with Bloomingdales meat and dairy dishes.
10) Inaugural Ball held at Beth Shalom Social Center.
11) Plastic covers on all White House furniture.
12) Camp David moved to Bal Harbour.
13) Number of Cabinet members adjusted to make a minyan.
14) Men and women sit separately in press room.
15) Instead of a pen, every White House guest is offered a nice piece of fruit...maybe a sandwich.
16) Air Force One pilot sits low, with head below windshield, perpetually signals for a right turn.
17) All Mt. Rushmore figures get nose job.
18) At inauguration, Supreme Court Chief Justice gives President a Kiddush cup and candlesticks.
19) Balance the Budget? - Buy everything wholesale!
20) All military uniforms are changed because there's a MUCH better tailor on Delancy street who could do better work for HALF what they paid for those!
21) National Anthem changed to "Sunrise, Sunset."
22) We all have to go the White House Friday night for dinner, and bring something from the bakery.
23) Martin Sheen replaced on "West Wing" by Gary Shandling.
24) New Secretary of State - Barbara Streisand.
25) National symbol changed from bald eagle to "The Early Bird."
26) Annual Easter Egg Hunt changed to "Find the Matzo Ball."
27) "Hail to the Chief" replaced with "Get A Load of the Big Macher."
28) White House interns - shiksas only!
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Subject: Poker.
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
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Subject: The Optimist.
A group of elderly, retired men gathers each morning at a cafe in Tel Aviv. They drink coffee and sit for hours discussing the world situation. Given the state of the world, their talks usually are depressing.
One day, one of the men startles the others by announcing, "You know what? I am an optimist." The others are shocked, but then one of them smells something fishy. "Wait a minute!" he says. "If you are an optimist, why do you look so worried?"
"You think it is easy to be an optimist?"
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Subject: Top Ten Things to watch for if the Super Bowl was played in Israel.
10. Halftime show would include the guy who does the voice for "Bezek Shalom".
9. When the Israeli team gains 5 yards, Palestinians ask for 45 yards back.
8. In Maccabbi Beer commercials there's always a bowl of chick peas nearby.
7. Winning Quarterback triumphantly ends game saying "I'm Going to Disneyland ... after I finish the army."
6. First Down checks would be done by the UN Security Council (using the green line).
5. On every play there is always an off-sides call.
4. At least 50 people confuse oversized mascot with Ariel Sharon.
3. No matter who wins, CNN reports something about occupation.
2. For some reason Tom Chambers will be playing quarterback.
1. The real winning team? First to score a safety.
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Subject: Santa Claus.
Santa Claus was on duty working a Department Store. A little girl sits on his lap and says, "I would like a new doll for Christmas,"
"I will add that to my list," replies Santa. "In the meantime, take a gift from the box."
A little boy climbs on Santa's lap and says, "I want a remote car for Christmas."
Santa replies, "I will add it to the list, meanwhile, take a gift from the box."
Then a little boy climbs on Santa's lap and says, "I'm Jewish, and I am not allowed to ask for anything from Santa."
Santa points to the gift box and whispers in the boy's ear, "Nem tzvay".
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Subject: It's All In How You Look At It.
When Golda Meir held the office of Prime Minister, she tried to encourage Henry Kissinger to make Israel a top priority. He sent her a letter:
"I would like to inform you that I'm first an American citizen; second, Secretary of State; and third, a Jew."
She responded, "In Israel, we read from right to left".
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Subject: The Three Samurai.
Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one.
A year passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor invited the Japanese Samurai demonstrate why he should become the chief Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his razor-sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground, in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "This is impressive!" He then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed in awe: "That is really VERY impressive!" And then he turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be appointed chief Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh!....But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously very disappointed at this display, said, "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
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Subject: New Computer Virus.
A new computer virus has been detected that you may want to take precautions against.
This is the Palestinian Virus - a virus that settles in your PC, claims it was there before your PC was built or Bill Gates was born, then demands parts of your hard drive.
If you want the virus to leave you and your PC alone, you can try to give the virus the hard drive space it wants, but it will refuse the deal and start killing data on your computer.
Some people have suggested a solution for this virus problem is to give the virus its own PC. As stated above, this virus has been known to refuse the offer. Other nearby PCs won't take the virus either, even if the virus is compatible with the other computers. The virus seems to want nothing less than to take over your entire computer together with the removal and destruction of all your data.
Software based anti-virus solutions have been proposed, but so far only hardware solutions have had any impact. The only solution we have been able to determine that may work is the physical removal of the virus from your computer.
The only problem with this solution is all the other computers will object, and you will be castigated in the media and by the UN.
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Subject: Biblical Theme Songs.
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
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