Subject: Jewish Buddhism. *The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.
*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.
*Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.
*Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.
*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
*Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
*Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.
*Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
*Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
*The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
*Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
*The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
*Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
*In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"
*To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.
Subject: Top Ten Orchadox Classifications. 10. Standardox - You went to Jewish High school, Israel Yeshiva, YU, Married at 22, live in Teaneck to be near (supported by) your in-laws
9. Whorethodox - You definitely are not prude, but still "shomer" all 612 of the other miztvos
8. Awkwardox - thanks to you srtict religious upbringing, any social event is an awkward one
7. Ignorethodox - You hit the snooze button on any Jewish law you feel may get in the way of your weekend plans
6. Hardcorethodox - You wear a black hat on the Free Fall at Great Adventure on Chol Hamoed
5. Botoxodox - You're retired in Florida -who needs these catagories, when you have grandkids
4. AlGorethodox - You have the most robotic stoic religious belief system in the world
3. Loxodox - bagels, cream cheese, and maybe some herring makes all of this Jewsih stuff worth it
2. Christian Diorthodox - You are not sure what holiday it is, but you already have the outfit picked out for it
1. Shmorgodox - just a little taste of everything
Subject: Irish Jew. A Dublin Jew, who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death. A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says,
"Do you believe in G-d the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and he asks me riddles!"
Subject: Keeping the peace. A Jewish merchant moves to a town in the deep south. The locals begin to murmur about him. "Who knows what's in those books he reads late into the night? And what of those strange letters he gets, in a language nobody else can read? He must be up to something." Word reaches the merchant, and he decides he must take action. He goes to the general store, where many of the good ol' boys hang out. They eye him suspiciously, but he's heading for the counter with money in hand.
He buys a shotgun and a box of shells. And he lives happily ever after.
Subject: Overheard on Shabbos at the Great Lawn Central Park. 10. "Excuse me Mr. hotdog vendor, do you know what time minchah is?"
9. "That Rabbi Lookstien can sure fling a frisbee."
8. "Wow, is it Jewish Khaki Shorts pride day, today?"
7. "Is this the Great Lawn or the Great Synagogue?"
6. "That guy over there with the big black yarmulke, payis, and no shirt is hot!"
5. "Forget cholent, all I need right now for my shabbos nap is some SPF 15."
4. "Is tanning my skin one of the 39 melachos?"
3. "Is that blue and white tankini you're wearing in support of Israel?"
2. "Of course I can listen to my walkman, don't you know Manhattan is an island!"
1. "Who needs suntan lotion, when we got horseradish!"
Subject: Microsoft References to Judaism. 20. Align Left, Align Right: Seating arrangement based on mechitza in shul (align center/justify for egalitarians)
19. Save As: Shabbos Leftovers for Sunday night dinner
18. Empty Deleted Items Folder: Yom Kippur
17. My Network Places: Shul Kiddush, JCC locker-room, Wedding Shmorg
16. Page Setup: Shidduch Dating (by the book)
15. Auto Signature: Seeing God in everything you do
14. Wrap Text, Shrink to Fit: Wearing Tefiilin with wet hair
13. Sort by Descending: Being judgmental of friends based on religious level
12. Mail Merge: At the sighting of an attractive woman after shul is over
11. Sent Items: The random "bag" of things we need to deliver when someone hears we are going to Israel (they become deleted items when El Al loses them)
10. Spell Check: When you search for 'chometz', but find 'no suggestions'
9. Italicized: Another name for Roman persecution
8. Copy and Paste: Continuously going to the same place for a first date
7. Insert Table: When someone decides to invite their 4 friends last minute to a Shabbat meal
6. Away Message: hinting to your friends that you are off the derech; or in Florida for Pesach
5. Reply All: "I'Yimru, Amen"
4. Landscape or Portrait: Deciding whether to move to Englewood or Teaneck
3. Outlook Today: Fully customizable hashkafa
2. Undo, Redo: Teshuva in a nutshell
1. Header and Footer: Your 2 basic requirements: Will she cover her hair & only wear skirts
Subject: Things to Ponder. Funny how $100 "looks" so big when you take it to synagogue, but so small when you take it to the mall.
Funny how long it takes to serve G-d for an hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at synagogue are, but how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people scramble to get a front row seat at any game or concert, but scramble to get a back seat at synagogue services.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a synagogue event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at the last moment.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple Midrash well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven - provided they do not have to believe, or think, or say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding G-d, people think twice about sharing.
Subject: Places NOT to go for Taschlich. 10. Bermuda Triangle
9. Miami Seaquarium
8. Trevi Fountain
7. Red Sea Universal Studio Set
6. Sea of Tranquillity
5. Holy See
4. C-Span
3. Piranha Hatchery
2. Your Neighbor's Jacuzzi
1. The Mikveh of the "Other Shul" Where You Don't Daven
A man and his chavrusa are learning in the local beit midrash.
"I have some wonderful news," says the man. "My daughter is getting married."
"Mazal Tov!" says his friend. "That's wonderful!"
"Thank you. Well, here's the thing. We've been learning together for over 20 years, and you're one of the most important people in my life. I'd really like you to be an Eyd for the wedding."
His friend looks suddenly embarrassed. "I'm sorry, old friend, but I'm afraid I can't accept. You see, I'm not Jewish." "What?! But how could you not be?"
"Well," says his friend, "I find shul to be very spiritually fulfilling, and the learning is the best intellectual stimulation around, to say nothing of this wonderful community. I've devoted my life to the mitzvot, but I've never actually converted."
The man is aghast. "But didn't we just learn that a goy who observes Shabbat incurs the death penalty?"
"Oh, no worries," says his friend. "I don't keep Shabbat. You see, every Saturday morning before going to shul, I put a key in my pocket."
"So? Our community has an Eruv."
"Feh," says his friend. "I don't hold by that Eruv!"
Subject: Female Astronaut. The female astronaut, Shannon Lucid, spent time on the Mir space station with the cosmonauts. While on Earth, she trained with them and learned some Russian. They knew English and were perfect gentlemen during the training.
After she arrived on the space station, they started making innuendos toward her. She asked why their behavior had changed from being perfect gentlemen that they were.
They replied...
Subject: You know you have been living in Israel too long! 10) It seems perfectly normal to buy milk in bags.
9) You have met a nice Egged bus driver.
8) You automatically open your purse/pocketbook/briefcase when nearing a public building entrance.
7) It no longer disgusts you to buy unpackaged bread in open boxes outside of the grocery.
6) You wonder why people would have a use for fancy clothes.
5) You are no longer embarrassed by the fact that you have an overdraft - you actually join in bragging contests about its size.
4) You eat salad for breakfast.
3) As far as you know, there are only 3 kinds of cheese: white, yellow, and salty.
2) It no longer shocks you to see people's underwear (and other laundry) hanging outside their apartment.
1) It not only seems perfectly normal to have the toilet in one room and the tub/shower and sink in another, it makes sense.
Subject: The Haircut. A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
Subject: The Interactive Teshuvah Hotline. Thank you for calling the Interactive Teshuvah Hotline here in Heaven. Due to the approaching High Holidays, which is our busiest season, all of our telephone lines are temporarily busy. Please wait patiently as your call will be answered in sequence - and remember, patience is a virtue.
You will no doubt enjoy our musical selection of Yeshiva Rock and the Best of Shlomo Carlebach, while you wait.
Please note that these telephone lines will not be available on the two days of Rosh Hashana, and on Yom Kippur. For a voice recording in Ashkenazic English dialect, press 1, for Sephardic, press 2, for New York, press 3. If you are uncertain, press 4. This line is also available in other languages. For Hebrew, press 5, for Yiddish, press 6, for Russian, press 7, for others, press 8. Please note that our service is not available in Arabic or French.
If you have never used the Interactive Teshuva Hotline before, you will need to listen carefully to our simple sequenced instructions. This service is available for touch-tone telephone users as a supplement to your davening (praying) at shul over the Ten Days of Awe. It is not a substitute. Let us now begin.
To access your personalized account of all your known aveiros (transgressions), including dates and affected parties, please press 1 now. If you have not already apologized to the affected parties, please hang up now and call back when this has been done. For a personalized list of aveiros towards HaKadosh Baruch Hu, (Him) please press 2. Please note that in order to provide timely service to all callers, there is now a limit of 20 aveiros per person at one time. Politicians and Reform Party supporters will require several visits to complete their inventory. Humor columnists who frequently exceed their word counts or use big words should hang up now and try calling later, say, after the Millenium.
Please select the aveiros you have committed this past year. In case you have forgotten, we offer a list of the most popular aveirot. To activate this function, please press the pound (#) key. Once you have chosen the proper aveirah, enter the code and press the pound key to enter it. As you enter your aveirah, our service will prompt you for your Explanation. If you committed the aveirah because he/she did it, press 1.
If you did so by accident, but did not mean to, press 2. If you have a good reason, but won't tell anyone what it is, press 3. If you did so knowing you were wrong, but didn't think you would get caught, press 3. If you blame your legal counsel for the aveirah, press 4. If you blame the influence of Freud or television, press 5. If you blame it on Rock n' Roll, Rap and/or drugs, press 6. If you want to blame someone else for the aveirah but can't think of anyone in particular, press 7.
At the conclusion of your aveiros, enter the star (*) key. For those of you with 7 aveiros or less, we offer a Tzadik Express Line. Please press 1 to access this Express line now. This is only for real tzadikim: if you think you are a tzadik or tzadeket, you are probably not. Remember, no sneaking in with 8 or more aveirot. Please note that the same aveirah committed against two individuals counts as two items.
Now that you have entered your personal aveirot, you may access the Selichot component of our service. As our computer reads out each aveirah you have indicated, please enter the contrition code.
For example, a "1" means you are only mildly sorry for your action, "2" means you are somewhat sorry, but have mitigating circumstances and a good lawyer, "3" means you are very sorry but will likely repeat it and have a great lawyer, "4" means you are very very sorry, and will not repeat it unless there are mitigating circumstances and you have Dershowitz on retainer, and "5" means you are extremely sorry and will not repeat the aveirah under any circumstances, since you have only your second cousin's son-in law who failed the bar twice. Please proceed with your Selichos sequence now....
Our computer has now processed your request for Kaparah (atonement). Before we reveal the decision results, you may increase your score by pledging additional tzedakah to your favourite charity.
All major credit cards are accepted. Please enter your pledge amount (in US dollars), followed by your credit card number and expiry date. Thank you. Based on your Aveirah Score, Selichos Score and Tzedakah Score, you have been granted conditional atonement. This offer expires within one calendar year.
Thank you for visiting the Teshuva Hotline today, and remember, we know everything.
Subject: Things to Ponder. Funny how $100 "looks" so big when you take it to synagogue, but so small when you take it to the mall.
Funny how long it takes to serve G-d for an hour, but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at synagogue are, but how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray, but don't have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra innings, but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people scramble to get a front row seat at any game or concert, but scramble to get a back seat at synagogue services.
Funny how we need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a synagogue event into our schedule, but can adjust our schedule for other events at the last moment.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple Midrash well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspaper says, but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven - provided they do not have to believe, or think, or say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding G-d, people think twice about sharing.
Subject: Things GUYS don't because...It's the 9 Days. 10. Take out the garbage (equivalent to doing laundry)
9. Go to minyan on Mondays and Thursdays (equivalent to doing laundry)
8. Tie: wash the dishes/load dishes in dishwasher (equivalent to doing laundry)
7. Run out and get eggs (equivalent to doing laundry)
6. Stop staring across the mechitza (equivalent to doing laundry)
5. Call their parents to wish them a good shabbos (equivalent to doing laundry)
4. Clean their room (equivalent to doing laundry)
3. Getting the phone (equivalent to doing laundry)
2. Turn off the TV and come to the table (equivalent to doing laundry)
1. Diet (siyums allow for meat every night) (equivalent to doing laundry)
Subject: Jewish Country-Western Songs. 1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honky Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot on the Glass, Where Are You?"
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Coming Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breakin' My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off With My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew It Meant Goodbye"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys" (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Built Up Over Years of Effort Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"
Subject: Car Washing During the Nine Days. One should refrain from washing one's car during the Nine-Days. It is considered especially meritorious to refrain from car washing if one is accustomed to washing his car every week.
For people who are sensitive and cannot accept the stigma of driving around with a dirty car, or perhaps, need a clean car exterior as a job requirement, the following guidelines should be followed: Preferably, one should ask a Goy to wash the car for him. If a person insists on washing their car themselves, they must be careful not to get wet during the process. Gloves, long sleeve shirts and pants are the recommended attire. Some Poskim feel that if your hose or water faucet is outside and the temperature is above 75 degrees Fahrenheit, that you should let the water run for at least a minute before filling up a bucket or spraying your car directly from the hose.
One should use an instant liquid thermometer or a laser spot thermometer to test the water and should not use their hands directly less they come in contact with lukewarm water or Rachmana L'tzlan, hot water.
In any case, the use of hot wax to bring back the lustrous, mirror like gloss to your car's finish is strictly forbidden.
Rabbi Menachem Uvel
Subject: All From One Daughter. Remember the 2 elderly Jewish ladies who meet? Says Sadie, beaming with pride: "Mine daughter just married an architect!"
"What?!" said Goldie, "I thought her husband was a lawyer!"
"No, no, that was her second husband!"
"Oy, and what about her first husband?" asked Goldie.
"Oh, he was a big doctor," said Sadie, smiling from ear to ear.
"Such nachas!" said Goldie, hugging Sadie, "& all from just one daughter!"
Subject: Bar Mitzvah Gift. There was a young man who was known for his lack of religious study. The rabbi of the congregation was not about to let this go unnoticed. The boy performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal preparation.
When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
But then the rabbi added a special gift. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem.......and now for my own special gift to you," with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lectern, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"
Subject: The Haircut. A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house." The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
Subject: Signs Your Assistant Rabbi Isn't Ready For The Big Time. Instead of "Yasher Koach", pats each congregant on the butt, saying "Nice shot, slugger"
Constantly butting in line in front of kids to get to synagogue candy man
Constantly confuses "Baba Metzia" with "Baba Ganush"
When quoting Genesis, always throws in something about Phil Collins being an anti-semite
When asked a halachic question, responds "Now what would Encyclopedia Brown do?"
Cracks up every time he hears the word "Bereshit"
Constantly butting in line in front of kids to get to synagogue candy man
Can't remember who is after Grumpy when listing 12 sons of Yaacov
"Is tanning my skin one of the 39 melachos?"
The Parsha keeps changing, but his speech stays the same
Refers to Maimoinides as "Rambam Bigalo"
When it's time for the Rabbi's speech, he walks out
When making halachic decisions keeps referring to "Rav Artscroll"
Keeps peeking over the mechitzah
Keeps bidding on the kivudim instead of letting the members buy them for him
Offers to give a weekly shiur on love and dating to singles
He offers to sponsor a kiddush, then asks for matching funds from the kiddush club
He's totally satisfied with his position and has no plans to plot a coup against the Chief Rabbi
Frequently wears a tye-dye "puff the kosher dragon" t-shirt.
Does the "kiss the sky" gesture every time he's called for an aliyah.
Plays "enforcer" position for shul's ice hockey team.
Gives his parsha shiur straight off Gush website printout.
Always makes funny faces behind Rabbi during Sermons.
He's single and lives with 2 female room mates he went to JTS with.
Led youth Chanukah party through rousing rendition of Adam Sandler's "chanukah song" while consuming gin+tonika and marijuanika.
When Rabbi is away his pre-mussaf sermon goes, "I think we've prayed enough today, shul dismissed! let's kiddush!"
Often consults magic 8-ball when answering halachic questions.
He constantly flirts with the congregants - on his side of the mechitzah
Keeps getting the Artscroll and Soncino page numbers mixed up
Has to be woken up during layning to say the tefilah for Israel
He's "out" on day 2 of sefira.
Can't remember if it's the 3 weeks and the 9 days, or was it the 9 weeks and the 3 days...
His fly's open during the drashah
Thinking it was Purim, he comes to shul on Yom Kippur dressed up as a clown.
Comes back from the kiddush club drunk and smelling of herring.
When getting an aliyah, he goes up to the Torah with a linear transliterated Artscroll siddur.
He's tone deaf and can't play guitar.
Has trouble keeping saliva in his mouth when pronouncing a "Chet."
Every shiur he gives makes no sense, but ends with, "and we should be zoche to see the mashiach, bimheira v'yamainu, amen!"
He's 55 years old, was a car mechanic in his previous vocation, and rides a pick up truck (Can you say, "Uncle Jessie")
When a frum congregant asks an in-depth question about Rabbeinu Tam's teffilin, he replies, "That's very personal, please tell Rabbeinu Tam I would like to speak with him about it."
He sometimes gets confused and refers to Israel as the land of "Busser v'Chalev."
He's not related to the rabbi.
Politely asks congregants to refer to him as "Your Majesty"
His motto: Shake a hand, do a shot
Fails to use at least two made-up English words in speech
Thinks "Deuteronomy" is surfer slang for science
Starts Yom Tov speech with "Anyone got a light?"
Subject: The Rabbi and the Sheriff. The sheriff of a small town in the South was less than cooperative with the local Jewish community.
One day a dead mule was found on the front steps of the synagogue. Rabbi Meltzer quickly called the police.
The sheriff answered and said, "Well, you have a dead mule. I thought you Rabbis take care of the dead."
"Of course we do," said Meltzer. "But it is proper and customary to first get in touch with their immediate family."
Subject: Ways to Spot a Baal(at) Teshuvah. 10. Hebrew pronunciation sounds about 70% yeshivish; he just can't shake the other 30% that he learned in Reform Hebrew school.
9. He forgets to remove his earring before shul and you can see it under his Hamburg.
8. She wears stockings and sneakers, but forgot to remove her ankle bracelet and tatoo before going out in public.
7. On Shabbos, before he makes his plans for Saturday night, he prefaces them with "nisht Shabbos gebrokhts".
6. The person quickly corrects you when you refer to him/her as "Charlie" or "Nicole", giving you a new phonetically unrelated name like "Baruch" or "Rivka Miriam".
5. He is yotzei "all shittos" by wearing a bekish, gartel, light blue shirt, streimel (over a kippah serugah), and a Tallis with techeles.
4. He types his English e-mails on Chol Hamoed from right to left so that he is writing them with a "shinui".
3. He tells you that he doesn't trust the local Eruv, so he wears his Talis home from shul. But, unfortunately, he forgot that he is holding the empty Talis bag and pushing a stroller.
2. He tells you that he doesn't trust the local Eruv, so he wears his Talis home from shul. But, unfortunately, he forgot that it's Thursday.
1. At a Shalom Zachar, he is the only one drinking beer straight from the bottle; everyone else pours only half of a a bottle into a flimsy plastic cup.
Subject: The Chazan. I once knew a chazan (cantor) who was so frum.
You ask: how frum was he?
He was so frum that he would never carry a tune on Shabbos!
Subject: Little Kids & Church. A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
Subject: Litvish English. Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator and asks, in broken English with a heavy Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266419.
A short time later there's a knock on the door, and, when he opens the door, he sees two beautiful and sexy girls who ask him: "Are you the guy who ordered two shikses for one night?"
Subject: Einstein's Theory. A Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, Zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
Subject: Chinese Restaurant. These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.
The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think.
After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Subject: The 10 Commandments, Southern Style. 1. Just one God.
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa.
3. No telling tales or gossipin.'
4. Git yourself to Shul.
5. Put nothin' before God.
6. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
7. No killin'.
8. Watch yer mouth.
9. Don't take what ain't yers.
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.
Subject: The Levy Residence. "Hello, is this the Levy residence?"
"Ahah. Mit whom you vish to speak?"
"Is Mr. Levy there?"
"Dis time of the day? Mr. Levy is voikink."
"Is Thelma at home?"
"In school is Thelma."
"Then how about Harry? Can I speak to him?"
"Harry? In colletch is Harry. He should be a doctor."
"I see. Is this Mrs. Levy?"
"Mrs. Levy, she's shoppink in de supermokkit."
"Well, who is this?"
"Dis? Dis is Daisy, de schvartze!"
Subject: Top Yiddish Movies. 1. GONIF WITH THE WIND - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
2. THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE - A Mohel murder mystery.
3. SCHNORER RAE - A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement.
4. BALABOOSTA COCKBURN - John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook.
5. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY - A kosher noodle western.
6. MOBY DRECK - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.
7. THE CINCINNATI YID - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation.
8. LITVAK BIG MAN - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant.
9. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES... Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
10. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER - Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.
11. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH - the extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips.
12. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE - an overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.
13. MAMZA POPPINS - A talented nanny has questions about her birth-legitimacy.
14. THE MATZO CANDIDATE - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that it's always Passover.
15. MISTER SCHNAPPS GOES TO WASHINGTON -Jimmy Stewart thinks he's still filming Harvey.
16. DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK - Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.
17. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE - Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
18. BORSCHT-TIME FOR BONZO -Ronald Reagan tries to train an Ashkenazi monkey.
19. SINGING IN THE CH'RAIN - Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella.
20. THE SIX CENTS... Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth.
21. SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS... Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
22. DREYDEL WILL ROCK... Chanukah toy comes alive.
23. OY OF THE BEHOLDER... Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
24. GOYS DON'T CRY... Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Tisha B'Av.
25. ISN'T SHE GEVALDIK... Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann.
26. STUART LADLE... Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
27. THE GREEN MOYEL... Young man performs first circumcision.
28. MUN ON THE MOON... Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling on lunar surface is not green cheese.
29. GOY STORY II... Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another.
30. ANGELA'S KASHAS... Woman reveals secret recipes.
31. SUPERNOVA... Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Subject: Dietary Laws. You have to understand a little Yiddish to get this one.
Moishe one fine afternoon takes a walk in the forest near his home. After a while he has to relieve himself. This he does by squatting behind some bushes. There is no toilet paper so (YOU should excuse him) he wipes himself with some nearby leaves. After a while his backside begins to itch unbearably. Moishe quickly returns home calls a taxi and goes to the doctor.
"Moishe, I got some bad newsy appear to have wiped yourself with poison ivy", says the doctor.
"Oh my G-d what am I going to do?" cries Moishe. "The itching is driving me crazy."
"Don't worry", counsels the doctor. Here is some Sedlitz Powder. "Go home and put one packet in a gallon of warm water and soak your bottom in it for thirty minutes every four hours. It will take the itching away."
Moishe goes home and puts a packet of powder into a warm pot of water. He places this in the center of the kitchen floor and sits in it as ordered. After a short while his wife Sarah comes home and starts to scream at the sight of him sitting naked in a pot in the middle of the kitchen floor.
"Moishe bist meshuga? Vos tist du? Vos tist du?"
Moishe screams back trying to explain: the woods, the leaves, the doctor, the poison ivy, the powder etc etc.
"Ivy shmyvy", she screams back. "Nem aroyse dien fleischedickeh toochess fun der milichdickeh tepple."
Subject: Moishe. A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."
"Who?"
"Moishe Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Moishe."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
Subject: Israeli Shuttle. Imagine if the Israelis were to send up a Space Shuttle
The flight would leave an hour late.
Instead of counting down from ten to blastoff, they'd read T'filat HaDerech.
As the astronauts prepared to board the spacecraft, a young girl in a cheap navy jacket would ask them who had packed their luggage.. She'd write their replies on her hand and nobody would understand why.
At least one of the astronauts would actually be plainclothes security.
The orbits around the Earth would take less time than 1 1/2 hours because the pilot would take a shortcut via a lower orbital level.
The Shuttle would tailgate the American Spacelab until it was able to pass it (on the right).
Each astronaut would have his or her own cellphone and spend most of the flight talking while they worked.
The crew might not get their work done because they keep slipping off to go shopping.
The Space Shuttle would be bulletproofed.
After two days in space, the Palestinian Authority would complain to the United Nations and CNN that The Space Shuttle was actually their property and had been for hundreds of years.
The next day United Nations would pass a resolution confirming this.
Thomas Friedman would suggest that the Israelis give the Palestinians half of the Shuttle.
Every time the astronauts appeared on live television, Judge Cheshin would threaten to cut off their press conference.
But it wouldn't matter because all of them, including Mission Control, would be talking at the same time so nobody would understand a word anyway.
The Shuttle would take two years for preparation - 6 months of training and a year and a half to argue who gets the seats.
The Shuttle would need double the amount of toilets.
And the astronauts would insist on drinking every hour (anyway the drinks come free with the ticket).
The Shuttle would need special air filters to clear out all the sunflower and pumpkin seeds.
The Israeli Space Shuttle would be the very first space craft with a satellite television dish attached.
The crew would be the only Israelis anywhere with clear reception of Arutz 7.
And the Israeli Shuttle would have to have windows that open the astronauts can't possibly go two weeks without fresh air.
On the re-entry landing, the Shuttle would have problems with overweight luggage.
Some of the overweight would be "souvenirs" pulled off of the Shuttle.
The astronauts would stand up to collect their things before the Shuttle came into the atmosphere.
And they'd applaud at touchdown.
The Space Shuttle would look like a mess after the flight.
At least half of the astronauts would put in a request to apply the mileage to their Frequent Flyers account.
The longest part of the trip would be standing at Passport Control at Lod Airport.
And the taxi home would be the most dangerous part!
Subject: Abe and Moishe. Abe ran into Moishe one afternoon.
"Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money already."
"How can I get into it Moishe?"
"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine. I'll let you have it for $120,000."
Abe agreed and gave Moishe a cheque for $120,000.
Three days later, Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Umm, things are well, and with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe. In fact, it made me a lot of money." "How is that? It was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at $5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "So, I gave him back his $5!"
Subject: The Angel's Visit. A Likud party member, a Labor party member, and a member of the Histadrut (Worker's Union) are seated separately in a restaurant when a poor man walks in. Unbeknownst to any of them, it is the earthly form of one of Hashem's Angels.
The Likudnik summons the waitress and asks her to serve the poor man the best food in the house and put it on his tab. The waitress does so.
The Labor party member asks the waitress to please serve the poor man iced tea and put it on his tab. The waitress does so.
The Histadrut member asks the waitress to please serve the poor man pecan pie with ice cream and put it on his tab. Again, the waitress does so.
When the angel is finished eating, he goes over to the Likud man and says, "I was hungry, and you gave me what to eat. Thank you. I see that you are blind." He touches the man's eyes, and his blindness is healed.
The Angel then goes up to the Labor man and says, "I was thirsty, and you gave me what to drink. Thank you. I see that you have a lame leg." He touches the man's leg, and it is healed.
The Angel then approaches the Histadrut member.
Suddenly, the Histadrut man moves away quickly and shouts, "Don't touch me! Stay away! I'm on a hundred percent disability!"
Subject: Rabbi Bloom's Kitten. One Sunday morning, Rabbi Bloom's kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn't come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - "Here kitty kitty," he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then placed his pet's basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check, he found he still couldn't reach his kitten. He tried one more time and drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become good company.
Some days later, he met Freda in the deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her basket - he knew she hated cats.
"Freda, why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won't believe me, Rabbi," she replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the sky ..."
Subject: Synagogue Bulletin Blunders. These announcements, with hilarious typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various shul newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours".
Subject: Mazel. A shaddchan (matchmaker) corners a yeshiva bochur (student) and says, "Do I have a girl for you!"
"Not interested", replies the bochur.
"But she's beautiful!" says the shaddchan.
"Yeah?" says the bochur.
"Yes, and she's very rich too."
"Really?" "And she has great yichus (ancestry)! From a very fine family."
"Sounds great." says the bochur. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
Replies the shaddchan "Well, you can't have everything!"
Subject: Jewish Groaner. Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse?
Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour.
A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I'm appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."
Subject: Wise Men. The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's better than Moshe!"
Subject: Thank You Notes. A nagging Jewish mother decreed one Chanukah season that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given over the eight nights of Chanukah. The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandmother told a friend, triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year, I didn't sign their gift checks!"
Subject: Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards. The best vitamin for a Jew is B1.
Under same management for over 5763 years.
Soul food served here.
You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
Beat the Rosh Hashanah rush; come to shul this Shabbos!
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!
Come early for a good seat.
What part of "THOU SHALT NOT" don't you understand?
Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
To belittle is to be little.
Subject: Urgent New Virus Warning. A new virus has been detected that you may want to take precautions against.
This is the Palestinian Virus - a virus that settles in our PC, claims it was there before your PC was built or Bill Gates was born, then demands parts of your hard drive.
If you want the virus to leave you and your PC alone, you can try to give the virus the hard drive space it wants, but it will refuse the deal and start killing data on your computer.
Some people have suggested a solution for this virus problem is to give the virus its own PC. As stated above, this virus has been known to refuse the offer. Other nearby PCs won't take the virus either, even if the virus is compatible the other computers. The virus seems to want nothing less than to take over your entire computer and with the removal and destruction of all your data.
Software based anti-virus solutions have been proposed, but so far only hardware solutions have had any impact. The only solution we have been able to determine that may work is physical removal of the virus from your computer.
The only problem with this solution is all the other computers will object, and you will be castigated in the media and by the UN.
Subject: Top Ten Romantic Things to do on Shabbos Valentine's from www.bangitout.com. 10. Randomly make inappropriate comments like "wow, these are some hot buns" as you cut the challah.
9. Send her some Hershey Kisses: The traditional Shomer Negiah way of saying "First Base"
8. At the dinner table, make a heart shape out of gefilte fish jelly.
7. Tell her that the timer broke and "it looks like we'll have to make a romance novel of our own."
6. Greet the good looking ladies in shul with "Shabbadabing Shalom"
5. Candlelit Dinner, Wine... wait no that's every week.
4. Nothing says "I'm-not-quite-ready-to-make-a-commitment" like a box of Parave bittersweet chocolates.
3. Daven Kedusha to the melodic tune of "You're The Inspiration"
2. Assure her that you have jewelry but she is halachically forbidden to accept presents on Shabbos. Then hope she eventually forgets..
1. Two words: "Mitzvah" and "Night."
Subject: Things I never Learned in Hebrew School. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
20% off is a bargain; 50% off is a mitzvah.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
If your name were Lipschitz, you'd change it too.
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
Never take a front row seat at a bris.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
No meal is complete without leftovers.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
Prune Danish is definitely an acquired taste.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Boca Raton.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
WASPs leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
Subject: Good News. A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty."
"So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better..."
Subject: The Dog. An Orthodox rabbi moved into a town where heretofore there had only been a Reform rabbi. One evening he hears a soft knock on his back door. He opens it to find the president of the sisterhood of the Reform temple standing there with a shaila on a chicken.
"What did you do before I came to town?"
"I asked our rabbi."
"What did he tell you?"
"Give it to your dog. The pasuk says lakelev tashlichun oso, so if it's treif the dog will eat it."
"So why come to me now?"
"That dog is a tremendous machmir!".
Subject: Rabbi's Meeting. After a long, dry sermon, the rabbi announced that he wished to meet with the shul's board following the services. The first man to arrive and greet the rabbi was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the rabbi.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
Subject: Israel. This is the only country where the unemployed strike. This is the only country where the 'cross country' road ends before it reaches its half way, "Airport City 2000" is still closed in 2004, the water import begins on the rainiest year ever, and Pee GLILOT (where they produce gas) is being dismantled for over 8 years and still exists. This is the only country where 60 year olds still hate their TIRONUT commander. This is the only country that has 2 Treasury ministers and neither of them has a dime, a 101 year old rabbi establishes a political party, the prime-minister is not allowed to be the minister of Defense in accordance with a state committee resolution, the opposition forgot to elect a candidate for the capital city and the MPs who chose the right to be silent don't shut their mouths. This is the only country where the corporal's mother has the commander's telephone no., (so he should watch it). This is the only country that has a communication satellite, but nobody let you finish a sentence. This is the only country where missiles from Iraq have exploded, katiushas from Lebanon, suicide bombers from Gaza and rockets from Syria, and still a 3 room apartment costs more than in Paris.
This is the only country where female porn stars are being asked "what does your mother say about it", soccer players come to the field with their daddy to shout at the coach, and on Friday night when going to the parents, you sit on exactly the same chair you've been sitting on when you were 5.
This is the only country where an Israeli meal is made from an Arab salad, Romanian Kebab, Iraqi pita bread and Bavarian mousse (which is a county in Germany). We must like eating anti-Semitics.
This is the only country where the guy with the open shirt and stain on it is the honorable minister and the guy beside him with the suit and tie is his driver. This is the only country where the phrase "I didn't interfere" means that I want to interfere.
This is the only country where Muslims sell sacred souvenirs to Christians, in exchange for bills that have the RAMBAM's face on them.
This is the only country where at age 18 you leave home and at 24 you still live in it. This is the only country where people who come to visit you for the first time ask you if it's ok to "take something from the fridge". This is the only country where you can tell what the security situation from the songs that are being played on the radio. This is the only country where the rich are on the socialist left, the poor are on the capitalistic right and the bourgeois pay for everything.
This is the only country where it's no problem to get software that launches a space shuttle, but you have to wait for a week for your washing machine to be fixed. And only here (if we're touching the subject) there's a time unit called "I'll come sometime between eleven and six".
This is the only country where on the first date you ask a girl where she served in the army. And this is the only country where she was probably in a more militant job than you. This is the only country where between the happiest day and the saddest day there are exactly 60 seconds (Memorial Day and Independence Day).
This is the only country where most people can't explain why they live in it but they have loads of reasons why they can't live elsewhere.
This is the only country where if you hate politicians, hate clerks, hate the situation, hate the taxes, hate the quality of service and hate the weather, it must mean that you like it (the country).
This is the only country I could live in. It's my country.
by Efraim Kishon
Subject: Top Ten Reasons Joe Lieberman Dropped out of the Presidential Race. 10. Couldn't get Congress to pass his "Leave work early on Friday" Bill
9. Thought he was running for the Presidency of the White Shul, not the White House
8. Only had enough campaign money to last for one campaign in 2000, but miraculously it lasted through most of a second run
7. Staff was getting tired of starting every conversation with "I don't want to speak about politics on Shabbos, BUT" (Nish Gshabbos geretin)
6. Thought it might effect his kid's shidduch prospects
5. White House wouldn't commit to having mezuzah's in the West Wing
4. Depressed to hear Jon Stewart turned down his VP offer
3. Bottom line: Jewish men can never commit
2. Didn't want the myth "Jews control America" to actually have some truth to it
1. Realized his speeches were boring enough to make it big...in the rabbinate
Subject: Husband Shop. Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Booragoon, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor. The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor. The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor. This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went.
Fourth floor. This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please!"
Subject: Bill the Relative. A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Subject: Things I Never Learned in Hebrew School. 1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
5. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
6. A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
7. You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
10. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
11. If your name were Lipschitz, you'd change it too.
12. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
13. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
14. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
15. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
16. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Boca Raton.
17. WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
18. Always whisper the names of diseases.
19. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
20. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
21. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
22. Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
23. The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
24. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at four in the afternoon in Florida.
Subject: Top 10 Ways You Know You're Jewish But Assimilating In The Holiday Season. 10. You find yourself singing Shir Hamalos to the tune of Jingle Bells.
9. "Havdala on egg nog?" is a completely valid halachic question.
8. Your kids ask the shul's fat yeshivish candyman for a brand new bike.
7. Office christmas tree has at least one or two of your Succah decorations hanging on it.
6. You call kugel, "Holiday Soufflé" and rugalach "Fruit Cake".
5. Mistletoe posted next to your Mezuzah.
4. You call getting a date at Stern College, "Miracle on 34th St".
3. "B'nai Matisyahu HaKO-HO-HO-Hain".
2. You check the back of Artscroll siddur to see if you say tachnun on New Years.
1. You pay retail.
Subject: 40 Reasons You Know That You Work for an Orthodox Jewish Company. 1. You spill your lunch all over yourself and your cubicle neighbors yell "MAZEL TOV."
2. There is a shamos box in the copy room.
3. People notice how many times per week you order in lunch, whom you order with, what exactly you're eating, and how much it cost.
4. The "director of human resources" tries to set you up on dates with 35 year old men who live in Fort Lee.
5. The soda-pop cans that are supposedly for every one in the organization are always under lock and key in a "special fridge."
6. You have to shout in Hebrew on the phone.
7. At least 4 people in your office are related to each other.
8. The only non-Jews around the place work in the accounting department.
9. No two employees have the exact same benefits plan.
10. Half the senior managers have masters degrees in Jewish Education and Jewish History. One person has a degree in business, but no one listens to him because he does not have smicha.
11. Microsoft spellcheck is useless because most words in memos are only vaguely reminiscent of English.
12. No one knows the difference between "its" and "it's."
13. Every job description is at least 10 years out of date. Or lost. Preferably, both.
14. Every employee carries the sales tax exempt number in his or her wallet. If an employee pays sales tax, it is reported to the Board for disciplinary action.
15. There is no Board secretary, because no one wanted the job. So Board members rotate and take turns in not writing up the minutes.
16. You get one day's notice to prepare your department's annual budget. (Only applies to very sophisticated operations; the rest do not, of course, have a budget.) Your budget is approved six months later, three months into the new fiscal year.
17. Except for administrative and clerical staff, everyone else gets paid on the basis of how much money they need. Or say they need. Or want.
18. There are many lengthy meetings, but no decisions are ever reached.
19. Men employed for the organization all (allegedly) have smicha and are considered professional staff. Women employed by the organization are considered support staff, but actually run the organization while the men run back and forth having meetings and looking busy.
20. It is commonplace and acceptable to refer to one's workplace/employer/organization as "Chelm"!
21. Every lay leader you speak to mentions that they have a grandson who's single
22. Callers can listen to cheesy Israeli music while on hold.
23. Even the non-Jewish staff wish everyone a Shabbat Shalom
24. Everyone immediately checks the Holiday Calendar to see how many Jewish holidays fall on weekdays
25. One day someone is a security guard, the next day he has an office and an email is sent out welcoming the new "campaign associate."
26. You can leave your wallet out in plain sight and never have it stolen but don't even think of leaving your lunch unattended
27. All inter-office emails end with Tizku L'Mitzvos
28. "Girl" is a term that refers to any female between the age of 2 and 65.
29. The allure of the office blood drive is the free lunch
30. Your high school schedule of early dismissal on short Fridays, short short Fridays and Rosh Chodesh Fridays actually applies at work too.
31. You get questions at work like, "If food has a small OU, does that make it less kosher than something with a big OU?"
32. Friday afternoon is eerily quiet after 1PM.
33. What's a Holiday Bonus?!?
34. You constantly see your coworkers socially, and not on purpose.
35. All office events are catered by the same kosher restaurant over and over again, until you never want to eat their food, smell their food or think about their food again.
36. You have off on Jewish Holidays, Legal Holidays, Christian Holidays, African Holidays, Canadian Holidays, Calendar Holidays...
37. You work with the vying champions of the "how many phone numbers can you fit on one post-it note" contest.
38. No two pieces of office furniture match.
39. Women who take maternity leave never come back
40. On Sukkos, there is a lulav and esrog in the conference room with a sheet on how to fulfil the mitzva.
Subject: Hechsher on the Light Side. Cardiac Hospitals: to be supervised by the Heart-K
Medications: to be supervised by the Tablet-K
Robitussin and Triaminic syrups: to be supervised by the Cough-K.
Precious gems: to be supervised by the Diamond-K
Corrals for cattle: to be supervised by the O.K.
Jewish Celebrities: to be supervised by the Star-K
Architectural designs: to be supervised by the Triangle-K and the Badatz of Square
Heter Iska (documentation for business loans): to be supervised by the Owe.U.
Raw Eggs in the shell: to be supervised by the Yoka Rav
Alarm Systems: to be supervised by the Bait Din of Belz
Dental Work: to be supervised by the Bait Din of Crown Heights
Subject: When Lieberman Becomes President. 1) White House brunches will include lox AND nova and a little kugel, some nice cheese blintzes, maybe some eggs, but not too runny, every kind of bagel, and coffee - de-caf.
2) The Jackie Mason and Hank Greenberg postage stamps.
3) Chinese food every Sunday night!
4) The White House floors will be SPOTLESS.
5) Christmas tree will have Jewish star on top.
6) White House doctor will get more respect than the President.
7) Oval office conference table will always have prune danish in the middle.
8) Afikomen will be hidden in rose garden.
9) Nancy Reagan China replaced with Bloomingdales meat and dairy dishes.
10) Inaugural Ball held at Beth Shalom Social Center.
11) Plastic covers on all White House furniture.
12) Camp David moved to Bal Harbour.
13) Number of Cabinet members adjusted to make a minyan.
14) Men and women sit separately in press room.
15) Instead of a pen, every White House guest is offered a nice piece of fruit...maybe a sandwich.
16) Air Force One pilot sits low, with head below windshield, perpetually signals for a right turn.
17) All Mt. Rushmore figures get nose job.
18) At inauguration, Supreme Court Chief Justice gives President a Kiddush cup and candlesticks.
19) Balance the Budget? - Buy everything wholesale!
20) All military uniforms are changed because there's a MUCH better tailor on Delancy street who could do better work for HALF what they paid for those!
21) National Anthem changed to "Sunrise, Sunset."
22) We all have to go the White House Friday night for dinner, and bring something from the bakery.
23) Martin Sheen replaced on "West Wing" by Gary Shandling.
24) New Secretary of State - Barbara Streisand.
25) National symbol changed from bald eagle to "The Early Bird."
26) Annual Easter Egg Hunt changed to "Find the Matzo Ball."
27) "Hail to the Chief" replaced with "Get A Load of the Big Macher."
28) White House interns - shiksas only!
Subject: Poker. Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
Subject: The Optimist. A group of elderly, retired men gathers each morning at a cafe in Tel Aviv. They drink coffee and sit for hours discussing the world situation. Given the state of the world, their talks usually are depressing.
One day, one of the men startles the others by announcing, "You know what? I am an optimist." The others are shocked, but then one of them smells something fishy. "Wait a minute!" he says. "If you are an optimist, why do you look so worried?"
"You think it is easy to be an optimist?"
Subject: Top Ten Things to watch for if the Super Bowl was played in Israel. 10. Halftime show would include the guy who does the voice for "Bezek Shalom".
9. When the Israeli team gains 5 yards, Palestinians ask for 45 yards back.
8. In Maccabbi Beer commercials there's always a bowl of chick peas nearby.
7. Winning Quarterback triumphantly ends game saying "I'm Going to Disneyland ... after I finish the army."
6. First Down checks would be done by the UN Security Council (using the green line).
5. On every play there is always an off-sides call.
4. At least 50 people confuse oversized mascot with Ariel Sharon.
3. No matter who wins, CNN reports something about occupation.
2. For some reason Tom Chambers will be playing quarterback.
1. The real winning team? First to score a safety.
Subject: Santa Claus. Santa Claus was on duty working a Department Store. A little girl sits on his lap and says, "I would like a new doll for Christmas,"
"I will add that to my list," replies Santa. "In the meantime, take a gift from the box."
A little boy climbs on Santa's lap and says, "I want a remote car for Christmas."
Santa replies, "I will add it to the list, meanwhile, take a gift from the box."
Then a little boy climbs on Santa's lap and says, "I'm Jewish, and I am not allowed to ask for anything from Santa."
Santa points to the gift box and whispers in the boy's ear, "Nem tzvay".
Subject: It's All In How You Look At It. When Golda Meir held the office of Prime Minister, she tried to encourage Henry Kissinger to make Israel a top priority. He sent her a letter:
"I would like to inform you that I'm first an American citizen; second, Secretary of State; and third, a Jew."
She responded, "In Israel, we read from right to left".
Subject: The Three Samurai. Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for the best one.
A year passed, and only 3 people showed up for the trials: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor invited the Japanese Samurai demonstrate why he should become the chief Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his razor-sharp sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground, in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "This is impressive!" He then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his great flashing sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground .....in four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed in awe: "That is really VERY impressive!" And then he turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to step forward and demonstrate why he should be appointed chief Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a small gnat. His lightning quick sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! Whoooosh!....But the tiny gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously very disappointed at this display, said, "I see you are not up to the task. The gnat is not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Subject: New Computer Virus. A new computer virus has been detected that you may want to take precautions against.
This is the Palestinian Virus - a virus that settles in your PC, claims it was there before your PC was built or Bill Gates was born, then demands parts of your hard drive.
If you want the virus to leave you and your PC alone, you can try to give the virus the hard drive space it wants, but it will refuse the deal and start killing data on your computer.
Some people have suggested a solution for this virus problem is to give the virus its own PC. As stated above, this virus has been known to refuse the offer. Other nearby PCs won't take the virus either, even if the virus is compatible with the other computers. The virus seems to want nothing less than to take over your entire computer together with the removal and destruction of all your data.
Software based anti-virus solutions have been proposed, but so far only hardware solutions have had any impact. The only solution we have been able to determine that may work is the physical removal of the virus from your computer.
The only problem with this solution is all the other computers will object, and you will be castigated in the media and by the UN.
Subject: Biblical Theme Songs. Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
Subject: News Flash. IRAN
In light of the recent disaster, various countries are doing what they can to help Iran recover:
The US Government has decided to send humanitarian aid.
The European Union is sending teams of engineers to help remove the ruins.
The government of Israel is sending 40,000 arabs to make up the loss.
It's called chipping in, everyone doing what they can.
Subject: Top Ten Reasons to be a Kosher Vegetarian. 10. No one is offended when you only eat the fruit plate.
9. You can eat your tofu fried during the meal, instead of frozen afterwards.
8. Who cares if there's no kosher butcher in your neighborhood?
7. Time to wait until eating dairy: until you're hungry again.
6. Two sets of dishes - Shabbos and weekday.
5. Who cares about the outrageous price of kosher meat?
4. No concerns about shechitah!
3. Life as a kollel man in Israel won't be such a shock, as you're used to doing without meat!
2. Since you are passing on the bassar, you can focus on the yayin.
1. Two words - buttered challah.
The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict. The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of course."
The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing - including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing."
"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him.
"It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites.
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."
Subject: The Perfect Rabbi. The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $150 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 32 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.
The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Subject: Watchman. In a little town, tucked into the woods and far from the main roads, the Jews were afraid that the Messiah would come and pass them by. They decided to build a tower on the outskirts of town, and appointed one of the town's beggars to serve there as watchman. If the Messiah should come, the watchman would give him directions to the town.
One day a stranger approached the tower, and the watchman came down to greet him. "What are you doing here in the middle of the forest?" asked the stranger.
"I sit on top of the tower and wait for the Messiah," answered the watchman.
"How do you like your job?" the stranger asked. "I'm sure it doesn't pay very much."
"That's true," answered the watchman. "But it's steady work."
Subject: Looking For A Shidduch. A young lady visited a shadchan, hoping for the best.
She said to the shadchan, "I'm looking for a spouse. Could you please help me to find someone suitable?"
"Certainly," said the shadchan. "What are your requirements?"
"Well," she explained, "He needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours if I don't go out. And I want him to tell me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation, but to be silent when I want to rest."
The shadchan listened carefully.
Then he smiled and said, "I understand exactly what you need. You need a good television!"
Subject: Duracell. A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory.
His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long life".
Subject: Blintzes. An impoverished Jew in an Eastern European village one day asked his wife to make him blintzes.
Wife: "Only rich people can afford to make blintzes."
Husband: "What can't we afford?"
Wife: "Eggs."
Husband: "I'll have my blintzes without eggs."
Wife: "We can't afford the cottage cheese."
Husband: "Leave out the cottage cheese."
Wife: "We can't afford the raisins."
Husband: "I don't need raisins in my blintzes."
The wife makes the blintzes without eggs, cottage cheese, or raisins. The husband takes two bites and says, "You know, I don't see what rich people see in blintzes."
Subject: Mad Cow Outbreak In Israel. JERUSALEM - Israeli farmers woke up this morning shocked to discover that all their cows were angry with them. "I'm so mad, I'm seeing red," said Parah Adoomah, otherwise known as the Red Heifer.
Several cows expressed their dissatisfaction to the farmers. "You treat us like we're pieces of meat," complained Elsie Holstein, a cow on a kibbutz in Beit Shimoosh.
Others mad cows shared similar beefs. "When you milk us, it's with udder disregard," said Jeri Jersey, a dairy cow who made aliyah to Israel three years ago.
Chaya Hereford, another dairy cow, nodded in agreement. "I produce cholov Yisroel, for God's sake," she exclaimed. "Yet look what you feed me. What the hay!"
Elderly mad cows voiced other complaints. "In ancient times, life for a cow was a real sacrifice," said Karban Tamid, a Guernsey from Moodin. "Most of my ancestors died in the Holy Temple. They were left standing at the altar. It wasn't pretty. Yet today, Jews pray for the Temple to be rebuilt. What am I...chopped steak?!?!"
Some farmers attempted to defend their treatment of the cows. "You graze on crops grown with the finest fertilizer," one farmer said.
"That's bull$&#@!" a mad cow retorted.
The cows threatened to call a nationwide strike for next month if their work conditions did not improve by then. It is slated to follow the teachers strike, the phone company strike, the airline workers strike, and the strike-breakers strike.
Subject: The Robin Williams Peace Plan. This may very well be the best thought out item we have read since 9/11/01. Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan ... what we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.
1. The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo, Noriega, Milosovich and the rest of those good ol' boys: We will never "interfere" again.
2. We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one sneaking through holes in the fence.
3. All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4. All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5. No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" (for "Deport") and it's back home baby.
6. The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7. Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8. If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or given to the Army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9. Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10. All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The language we speak is ENGLISH.....learn it...or LEAVE...
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan. The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your poor, your tired your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "You want a piece of me?"
Subject: Rabbi Green. I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the chapel, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.
I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."
The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.
"Imagine," she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your first wedding!"
Subject: One Sheitel, One Sheitel. One sheitel, one sheitel that husband bought for an arm and a leg.
One sheitel, one sheitel.
And came The Sheitelmacher, who put it in her little shop, that husband bought with his life savings.
One sheitel, one sheitel.
And came the European Manufacturer, who sold it to the sheitelmacher, that husband mortgaged his house to buy.
One sheitel, one sheitel.
And came the Hindu church, who auctioned it to the European manufacturer, who sold it to the sheitelmacher, that husband paid half a year's salary for.
One sheitel, one sheitel.
And came the Hindu priest, who cut off the hair, that the church auctioned off, that the European manufacturer put in the highest bid for, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband went into credit card debt to purchase.
One sheitel, one sheitel.
And came the Hindu pilgrim, who bowed before the priest in an offering to Vishnu, and he shaved off the hair, which the church auctioned, that the European manufacturer got for a steal, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband created a tzedaka fund for.
One sheitel, one sheitel.
And came Rav Eliyashiv, Shlita, who paskended the hair was assur, that the pilgrim offered to the polytheistic gods, that the barber shaved, that the church auctioned, that the European manufacturer got his hands on for bupkis, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband sold his daughter into slavery so that he purchase it.
One sheitel, one sheitel.
And came the Holy One, Blessed Be He, Who said, "I am the L-rd thy G-d, thou shalt not have any other gods before Me", which Rav Eliyashiv took very seriously, so he paskened the hair was assur that the pilgrim offered to the other gods, that the barber shaved off, that the church put up on eBay, that the European manufacturer couldn't believe the deal he got, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband got his knee-caps broke because he couldn't pay off the interest from the loan he got from Goombah Vinny.
One sheitel, one sheitel.
Subject: Family. In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.
But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.
However, she agreed and they were married. On the first Friday after the marriage, they went to the mikvah. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My Ima told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did. Then she lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My Aba told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex". So they did.
After Kiddush, the Shabbos meal, benching, they went to bed. When they awoke the next morning, he said to her "My Boba said that before you go to Shul it's a mitzvah to have sex". So they did.
After davening Shachris and Musaf, they came home to have a meal and a rest, and again he whispers in her ear. "My Zaida says that before Mincha it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "Nu, So how is the new husband?" She replies. "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family".
Subject: Arab Doctor. Akmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
Subject: Re-evaluation of Our Involvement. We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there? Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there? Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there? Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there? The place is subject to natural disasters, of which we are supposed to bail them out. Why are we still there? There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there? Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there? We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there? They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there? It is becoming clear...
WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!
Subject: The Caruso Canary. In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop Sarah Goldman, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had."
"Don't think I'm going feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed Mrs. Goldman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want, a singer? or a dancer?"
Subject: 72 Questions about 72 Virgins. The Palestinian and Moslem homicide/suicide bombers from the Islamic Jihad, Hamas, and Arafat's terrorist groups that blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins when they reach heaven.
I have questions 72 questions on how this whole virgin thing works.
1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
3) If he's gay, does he get male virgins?
4) What if he's celibate? What does he get?
5) What if he hasn't reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
6) If he's bi, does he get 36 of each?
7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
10) What if he's ugly or smells bad and the virgins don't want anything to do with him?
11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
12) Is there an age of consent?
13) When they're deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they "born again"?
14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they're not satisfied?
17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
18) What if the bomber's into animals? Does he get accommodated?
19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
24) If he's a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond's home run record?
28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn't go off?
30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
31) If she's a lesbian, do they "convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
33) If so, are there 72 available?
34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine's Day?
40) If he's monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
41) What if he doesn't like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
42) Eternity is long, and eventually he'll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbour's virgins?
45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she's unhappy?
47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks "Does this Burka make me look fat?"
48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn't know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
54) Wouldn't it be interesting if they're virgins because they're ugly?
55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
56) Wouldn't it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
58) When he gets home, does he have to say "How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
59) Do they have counselling for sexual addiction in paradise?
60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
61) They must take up an entire theatre when they go to the movies, huh?
62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an instalment plan?
65) Is the bomber entitled to substitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
66) What if all the king's horses and all the king's men can't put the bomber together again?
67) Is "not tonight, dear, we all have headaches" a valid excuse in paradise?
68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you're dead?
71) Do Siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?
Subject: The Chazzan. The chazzan came home Kol Nidrei night, and his wife asked him why he seemed to be a bit downcast. "Schwartz, the gabbai, told me I wasn't very good tonight" he replied.
"Schwartz?" said his wife "Forget about him. He doesn't know anything. He just repeats what everyone else says."
Subject: How many .... does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Orthodox rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?
Q: How many Conservative rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Some members of the Committee on Law & Standards say it takes a minyan, except what makes a minyan nobody can agree on. Some say the minyan can be made up of men and women, some say only men, some say men OR women. There was no majority, so the issue remains subject to the decision of the synagogue leader.
Q: How many Reform rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.
Q: How many Hasidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
Q: How many Reconstructionist Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a Reconstructionist Jew?
Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the rabbi leading the process is sufficiently skilled in channelling spiritual energy, the light bulb will be relit by itself. However, the bulb must be an eco-kosher bulb that is not going to be lit from nuclear powered electricity and have been made from a company that was in any way responsible for the poisoning of the Hudson River. And during the paradigm shift between the changing of the bulb, one must document the experience for the up and coming book called "The Jew in the Light bulb".
Q: How many Shlomo Carlebach hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gevaldt, the light just went out, it must be a heavenly sign from Above that we all really need to get much closer this time, sing a good niggun or two, mamash open our hearts to this gevaldt Ishbitz torah, tell a Baal Shem Tov story and then later maybe somebody from the chevre can change the bulb at 2 in the morning.
Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it never died.
Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because there will never be another one that will burn as brightly as the first.
Q: How many Kabbalah Center Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it would take to raise the $5000 bulb that was carefully selected by Rabbi Philip Berg based on its inherent ability to drawn down the Supernal Light into a Vessel astrologically appropriate for that particular Center as well as financially appropriate for their account.
Q: How many congregants in any one synagogue does it take to change a bulb?
A: CHANGE! You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother is the one who donated that light bulb!
Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50. One to change the bulb, 13 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb, and 36 to live elsewhere, start their own community, act mentshlich and not mention the previous bulb to anyone.
She cried at your bris, primarily because you weren't engaged yet
She does all her Pesach shopping for next Pesach the night after Passover ends, to get all essentials on sale
She has called you 6 times today just to ask you how your day is going its 8am
She brings 2 extra empty suitcases on vacation exclusively for the Hotel Towels and shampoos
She named your first name "Barry" and your middle name "Manilow"
She goes to the doctor for any small thing, but mostly just to give out your picture to single MDs
She signed you up for the wedding registry at Sacks after your first shabbos walk
She's 3rd cousins with everyone reading this email
She cried at your bar/bat mitzvah, primarily because you weren't engaged yet
She treats all three cleaning ladies like family
She thinks womens prayer groups are for sissies
When I asked her what she's doing tonight, she responds "last night, I went to the movies"
She feels rebellious when she listens to Billy Joels Uptown Girl
She hoards Sweet N' Low packets in her pocket book, even though she has a box at home
She cries over your every accomplishment, and over every episode of The Wedding Story
She listens to JM in the AM at night
She always has leftovers wrapped up to go, including that of the table next to yours (what, I should let this go to waste?)
She calls three times to remind you she is stuck in traffic
She cried at your graduation, primarily because you weren't engaged yet
She calls you again to remind you she is still stuck in traffic
She covers her hair in the shower
She expects everyone to understand her incoherent Yiddish, including the cleaners
She has no concept of whispering
She has a secret crush on Matt Lauer that she lets everyone know about
She makes early Shabbos...on Wednesday
She can't get over the fact that email stands for electronic mail
She confides in librarians and grocery checkout people more than her therapist
If she ever met Ghandi she would offer him a 7-course meal and not stop until every bite was finished
She could find Sadam and Osama through her power of guilt ("Would it kill you to pick up the phone and call me?")
She goes to the mikvah to do laps
She has served you egg salad every Tuesday for ten years, because you once said you loved egg salad when you were 6
She sets an extra seat at the shabbos table, just in case you meet you bashert on the way to her house
She got mad because you bought pot ...at full price when you know that her cousins brother in law could get a deal in Brooklyn
She will never let you leave the house without a coat, a dating interrogation and a bag of shabbos leftovers
She thinks Joan Rivers and Fran Drescher are annoying even though she sounds exactly like them
She puts gefilte fish in your lunch bag with a little cup of chrain and 2 forks
She has her wardrobe segmented by functions (frum, charedi, zionistic, modern, mixed dancing)
She encourages you to do whatever you want with your life so long as it includes grandchildren
Anytime she hears a dish fall, she screams mazal tov
I saw your mom carrying 10 shopping bags from Bloomingdales the other day, I said what are you doing, she said exercising
When you give her Mothers Day gift you can faintly hear her muttering "Just one grandchild, is that too much to ask for?"
Subject: Sad, but Probably True. A guy saw a pit bull attacking a toddler in Paris. He killed the pit bull and saved the toddler's life.
The reporters swarmed the guy. "Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
The guy says, "but I'm not from Paris."
Reporters: "That's OK. All France will love you. Tomorrow's Headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."
Reporters: "That's OK. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's Headline: "Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"
The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."
Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?"
The guy says, "I'm from Israel."
Reporters: "OK. Tomorrow's headline: "Vicious Israeli Kills Girl's Defenceless Dog!"
Subject: The Wig Burning Song. (To the tune of: If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands)
If you're your Jewish and you know it
Burn your wig
You love God and want to show it
Burn your wig
Unless your instincts were prophetic
And your shaitel is synthetic
Go ahead, you won't regret it
Burn your wig
Semi - custom, fall, or box
Burn your wig
Avodah Zarah's in those locks
Burn your wig
Be it a Freeda, Ralph, or Claire
Might as well be Mother Mary
So be very, very wary
Burn your wig
If it's blond or black or brown
Burn your wig
Don't be the Apikorus in town
Burn your wig
Take it off and don't go near it
Wear a snood - you'll have to bear it
Drive a Chevy, but don't wear it
Burn your wig
Do what's right, don't be heretical
Burn your wig
Just stay calm, don't get hysterical
Burn your wig
Your whole life is still ahead
Go put butter on your bread
But no Buddha on your head
Burn your wig
Subject: Tradition? During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting.
The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do.
His congregation suggested that he consult a homebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple.
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was.
So he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand!"
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "Ahh... you see? THAT is our tradition!"
Subject: Passover is Approaching. At the seder table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions,
Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.
This has been known for generations.
What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues.
It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.
Subject: New Jewish Reality Shows. New Jewish Reality Shows WJEW-Channel 18, "TV for your inner Jew," has announced its new season lineup of reality shows. They include:
"Joe Minyanaire." A good-looking young man goes to an Orthodox singles event and tells girls he meets there that he davens every day. Watch their reaction when they find out that he hasn't been inside a shul since his bar mitzvah in 1986 and spends every morning and afternoon at Starbucks!
"American Sheitel." Viewers vote for the woman wearing the best-looking head-covering.
"Schmeer Factor." Contestants vie to see who is the bravest by trying new bagel-and-cream-cheese combinations, such as shiitake mushroom bagels with lemon-sunchoke cream cheese or tortellini bagels with cilantro-pesto cream cheese. Filmed entirely in Lincoln Park and Lakeview.
"The Rhea-Al World." Rhea and Al Goldberg, married 55 years, are thrown together in a house in Miami Beach for a week with no TV. If both survive, they move on to the next installment: an hour-long trip in a Cadillac with no air conditioning. The excitement never ends!
"Don't Meet My Folks." Three Jewish men take their girlfriends home to meet their parents. But watch out-one of the girlfriends is a shiksa! Parents try to guess which son is in an interfaith dating situation so they can throw him out of the house and threaten to sit Shiva for him.
"Jewish Survivor." Participants attend a round of Jewish organizational fundraising dinners. Each week, one person is voted off for falling asleep during the guest speaker, complaining about the chicken being overcooked, eating three extra desserts, changing seats so he/she doesn't have to sit with Mr./Mrs. Schwartz, snapping his/her fingers at the rabbi, who looks just like one of the waiters, etc. The final "Survivor" wins $1 million-to be donated to his or her favorite Jewish charity!
Subject: Kosher Computer. I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low, even with the shipping from Israel, that I bought one. I've been using it now for several weeks, and highly recommend it. However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:
1) The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
2) I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
3) The cursor moves from right to left.
4) When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"
5) When I look at erotic images, my computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."
6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."
7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts with me with a "You want I should fix this" message?
8) After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen".
9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
10) It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software)and one for milchedik (games).
11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets"Ferklempt"
12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
13) Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14) When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
15) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.
16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
17) After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get Spam!
Subject: Indian Sheitels. The following is a newly published guide to help people determine whether or not the hair in their wife's sheitel has Indian roots. Your wife's sheitel may contain Indian hair if she starts exhibiting any of the following symptoms:
1. your wife develops a red dot in the middle of her forehead
2. your wife's skin starts turning green and oily.
3. she starts cooking with curry
4. she insists the family becomes vegetarian.
5. she quits her job and opens an off shore call center in the spare bedroom.
6. she insists you sell your business and start working in a newsstand.
7. she starts spending more time in Seven Eleven than she spends in Loehman's
8. she's proud of her son-in-law who works as a gas station attendant.
9. she starts showing up to the shabbos table in a sari instead of a robe.
10. she trades her earrings for nose rings.
11. when discussing marriage prospects for your 19 year old daughter she mentions words like, dowry, cows, and livestock
Subject: The Rabbi & Priest. This little Rabbi gets on a train. At the next stop a group of Priests get on. After a while one of them goes to the Rabbi and says: "Why does everybody think that Jews are smarter than gentiles"? The Rabbi says that he is just a simple Rabbi and really doesn't want to get involved in this kind of discussion. The Priest insists and says that is wants to test the theory and make a bet.
The Priest says that he will pay the Rabbi $1,000- if the Rabbi asks him a question that he can't answer, and that the Rabbi should pay him $1,000- if he can ask the Rabbi a question that the Rabbi can't answer.
The Rabbi says that he is but a poor Rabbi and only has $50- on him to prepare for Shabbat. The Priest says fine then we'll make it my $1,000 against your $50-.The Rabbi sees that he can't get out of this so he agrees but on one condition; that he goes first.
The Priest agrees. The Rabbi asks the priest the following question: What kind of animal has the body of a Lion, the face of a gorilla, the ears of a donkey, three sets of wings, hooves on it's front legs and 5 webbed toes on it's rear legs, swims under water and flies in the air?
The priest is taken aback and admits that he doesn't know then asks if he could consult with his fellow clergymen. The Rabbi agrees but after 10 minutes the Priest returns with no answer and hands over to the Rabbi $1,000.
He then asks the Rabbi what kind of animal was it?
The Rabbi says "how should I know"? and gives him his $50.
Subject: 72 Virgins. After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across his face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry appoached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "it was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"
These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me!" The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
Subject: Such A Big Brunch Bill. When the heir to the Rothschild estate visited a poor Jewish village near Budapest, the locals poured out to greet him. With all due ceremony, he was given a small parade, met with the mayor, and awarded a key to the city.
At the local inn, he ordered some roast chicken for brunch. When he finished, he received a bill larger than the most expensive bottle of wine his family sold.
"This is outrageous!" he shouted at the innkeeper.
"Never in my life have I been billed so much for a roast chicken! Are chickens that rare around here?"
"Not at all," said the innkeeper reassuringly. "But millionaires --- ah, they are a rarity!"
Subject: Sun or the Moon. "Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" the Chelm shammes asked the rabbi.
"The moon, of course," replied the rabbi after some pondering. "It shines at night, when it is needed. The sun shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at all!"
Subject: The Will. Mrs. Goldman, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy Jewish man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-third is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand.
The teacher called on little Morris for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Morris answered, "A good lawyer!"
Subject: Top Ten Jewish Newspaper Headlines in 1776. 10. Liberty Bell cracks, Jews shout Mazel Tov!
9. Rabbis rule: Boston Tea Party not ba'al tashchis
8. Haym Solomon to do a worldwide search for an 'Apprentice'
7. Patrick Henry: Liberty is Ya'Harog v'Lo Yaavor!
6. George Washington confides "I'm really getting into Kabbalah these days"
5. "NewsFlash: US Declares of Independence & Rhode Island Synagogue eruv is down!"
4. Aish Hatorah Philly discovers Torah code evidence of self-evident truths
3. Sons of Liberty vs. Sons of Israel annual softball game cancelled
2. Jefferson admits Kosher hot dogs were next to be added to the "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" list.
1. Jewish Outrage: Wigs used by delegates found to be from India
Zainy Jewish Fact: July 4th, 1776 was a fast day (Sheva Assar B'Tammuz), can you imagine the break-fast?
Subject: Witness. Mr. Popowitz is called as a witness in a trial.
"How old are you?" asks the D.A.
"I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one."
"Excuse me? What did you say?"
"I said, I am, kaynahoreh, ninety-one years old."
"Sir, please just answer the question with no embellishments. I ask you again, How old are you!?"
"I told you. Kaynahoreh, I'm ninety-one."
The D.A. is very angry. The judge is also losing his patience. He instructs: "The witness will answer the question simply and plainly or be held in contempt of court!"
The defense lawyer, Mr. Cohen, rises and approaches the bench.
"Your Honor, I think I can resolve this. May I ask?"
"If you can get this trial moving, please, be my guest."
"Mr. Popowitz, let me ask - kaynahoreh, how old are you?"
Subject: The Provider. A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Very admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's been accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and G-d will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "G-d will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?"
"Don't worry, sir, G-d will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father asks questions, the young idealist insists that "G-d will provide."
Later that evening the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm G-d."
Subject: Country Club. Schmuel Moskovitz is talking to a friend of his, bemoaning the fact that he couldn't join the Grosse Point Tennis Club.
"I don't understant it," he said, "I told them my name is Schmuel Moskovitz and dat I vanted to join their club."
"Sammy," his friend says, "The club's restricted. They won't let Jews join."
But Sammy really wants to join. So he takes speech lessons, learns about boats, even tries to eat corned beef on white bread with lettuce and mayonnaise. One year later, he appears at the same door wearing a three-piece conservative suit with a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under his arm.
The official at the reception desk says, "May I help you, sir?"
"Yes," Sammy replies in a clipped New England accent, "I am here to inquire about membership in your esteemed establishment."
"What is your name?" asks the man.
Sammy replies, "My name is Winthrop van Horton the Third."
"And where do you live?" he asks. "Why, Connecticut of course," replies Sammy.
"What is your income?" is the next question.
"My wealth is something I never with strangers," replies Sammy, "but I don't mind telling you that I own skyscrapers in Manhattan, and several factories in northern New Jersey."
"Just one more question before you become a member, 'What is your religious affiliation?'"
Sammy's chest swells with pride as he says, "I am a Goy."
Subject: Jewish Zodiac. Nissan - The Matzah. If you were born in Nissan, you may be thought of as boring and hard, but one need only look as far as the chicken soup to see the wide variety of possibilities you have in life.
Iyar - The Steak. If you were born in Iyar, you are an independent person (or nation), and you have all the strength and juices one needs to survive in this world.
Sivan - The Cheesecake. If you were born in Sivan, you are sweet and caring. You are soft and vulnerable and a bit crumbly at times.
Tammuz - The Icepop. If you were born in Tammuz, you were born to cool off. But if you don't stay cool, you may find yourself a very messy puddle on the floor.
Av - The Fish. If you were born in Av, you were born to eat fish and think about steak. You feel the need to work harder to show that you are valued as yourself and not just because there is no other option.
Elul - The Krembo. If you were born in Elul, the summer months are very hard on you. You have a tendency towards a round figure, and you favor flavorless cookies. You do, however, have an excellent creamy interior.
Tishrei - The Apple dipped in Honey. If you were born in Tishrei, people may think you're a drip, but they know that you're the sweetest thing since sliced challah (with honey).
Heshvan - The Cranberry. If you were born in Heshvan, you have a biting sense of humor, and a sharp wit. You do, however, need to be boiled with a lot of sugar to be palatable.
Kislev - The Jelly Donut. If you were born in Kislev, you are full of light, and even your exterior looks delectable. You may have oily skin though.
Tevet - The Latke. If you were born in Tevet, you know that good things cannot be put away immediately. You have the desire for better things. You are desired by all and considered quite the hottie.
Shvat - The Almond. If you were born in Shvat, you should remember that others may find you addictive and even mesmerizing, but it's better if they take you in small doses.
Adar - The Hamentashen. If you were born in Adar, you are very much influenced by your parents. If they are skilled, you will be crisp and sweet on the outside, filled with an even sweeter softness inside. If not, you may find yourself addicted to Heroin because of all the poppy seeds.
Subject: Goldberg. The teacher was always so involved in the text he was teaching that he never looked up at his students.
He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and - without realizing it -- he often chose the same student day after day.
Out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends.
The next day when the rabbi said "Goldberg, translate and explain," Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today."
"All right," said the rabbi. "You translate and explain."
Subject: The Driver. A renowned rabbi, a brilliant philosopher, was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality, ethics and philosophy.
Then one day the driver approached the rabbi and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The rabbi agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a man in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"
"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."
Subject: Blame it all on Moses. Moses was an idiot, and he most certainly caused all the problems America is experiencing today in the Middle East. For 40 years he wandered around Sinai, when God had given him an unprecedented opportunity - he had the time (40 years) and the opportunity (who else wanted it then?) to occupy all of the Arabian Peninsula.
Had he done so there would be no oil crisis today; no one would have heard of Saddam Hussein; and he might just have prevented the Crusades, because Mohamed would have been Jewish.
Had he just gone in a straight line North East, we would today have all the oil we need (although it would probably be far too expensive to buy), but that would of course have forced us to develop alternative energy supplies and thereby we could have saved the environment.
Just goes to show, only an idiot lets his wife read the map and give him directions.
Subject: Toilet Seat. It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century.
The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq.
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!
6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq.
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.
8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.
10. Amos cried out in Iraq!
11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem.
12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!)
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.
16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.
17. The wise men were from Iraq.
18. Peter preached in Iraq.
19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon, which was a city in Iraq!
And you have probably seen this one.
Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible.
But do you know which nation is second?
It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers.
The name Iraq, means country with deep roots.
Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.
No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq.
Subject: Tape Players. In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone who was Jewish in the community came every Shabbat.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.
Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise! to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation!
Subject: Smart Business Man. Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case....."
Subject: Jewish Blood. An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.
Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had similar type of the blood who willingly donated his blood to the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card for giving his blood along with an expensive piece of diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.
Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors telephoned the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank you card and a jar of Almond Roca sweets. The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate much the Jew's kind gesture as he has done previously. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner. The Arab replied "Ia habibi I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?"
Subject: Sherlock Holmes Jewish Style. After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.
On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.
Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.
But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband.
Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.
What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
Subject: The Pope & Jewish Golfer. Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect."
"With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Subject: American Indian Jew. A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they decide to get married. When his mother hears the news, however, she is extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to marry a nice Jewish girl. When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning him.
After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is still quite a bit of tension in the air. Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "I just wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have decided to give the boy a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is wonderful," she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You have made me the happiest woman in the world."
"That's great, Mom," replies the son. "And what," asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"
Subject: Lost Wallet. Morris was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party.
Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."
A voice from the back of the hall shouted, "I will give $175!"
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