Subject: A Fact to Ponder. Saudi Arabia has pledged $10 million for millions of Muslim refugees of the tsunami disaster.
Last year, Saudi Arabia raised $150 million dollars for the families of suicide bombers.
Subject: Sad News. "Oh Sarah, I just heard the news" said Esther to her friend. "You poor dear. Your husband Morris drowned. At least he left you ten million dollars. It's amazing that he made so much money, yet he couldn't even read or write."
Sarah smiled, "Yeah, thank G~d he couldn't swim either."
Subject: Schvartzer. A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.
"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian."Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
Subject: Mother Obsessed. A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies:
"What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
Subject: Carpet. A new family moved into a small town, but no one knew what their religious affiliation was. Finally the priest, the minister, and the rabbi decided to visit them together. When they got there, no one was at home, so they decided to peek in the window and see if they could get a clue.
"I'm afraid they're not Catholic," said the priest. "There's no crucifix on the wall."
"They're not ours, either," moaned the minister. "There's no Bible on the bookshelf."
"Aha!" cried the Rabbi. "They're ours!"
"How can you tell?" asked the others.
"Wall-to-wall carpeting!"
Subject: Mrs. Lapidus. Mrs. Lapidus approached a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugged on the sleeve of his coat and asked, "Fershtayn Yiddish?"
The man answered, "Ya, ich fershtay."
Says Mrs. Lapidus, "Gut. Vot time is it?"
Subject: In Hospital. A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children, a good, proper Catholic family. G-d is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm actually Jewish"
"Jewish!" she replies, "You're a sex maniac is what you are!"
Subject: Boyz 2 Menzch. Nice boyz: Young men who own their own car.
Good boyz: Young men who own their own car and bring their date's mother chocolates.
A menzch: A young man who owns his own car, brings his date's mother candy and studies medicine.
Subject: Who is a Jew? Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.
Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."
His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign? They'll kick you out immediately!"
Shloyme says, "I don't have to tell them I'm Jewish." and he leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: "What happened?"
Shloyme says,"Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what'll I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."
Subject: 3 Nuns. An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. By the next table there are 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation.
The 2nd nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem." Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The 3rd nun says to Mother Superior let's go to New York. Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The 2nd nun again speaks and says let's go to Los Angeles. Mother Superior says "No, too many Jews there."
The little Jewish old lady leans over and says with a Yiddish Accent: "Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"
Subject: A Sign from G-d. Our Rabbi had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The rabbi pleaded, got warm milk, etc., but the kitty wouldn't come down.
He decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach the kitten. He did all this, kept getting out to check, then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bend sufficiently to reach the kitten.
But as he did so, the rope broke. Of course, the tree went Boing! and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
The rabbi felt very sad. He walked all over the neighborhood, asking everyone if they'd seen a little kitten. "No," was the answer. So he prayed, "G-d, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and he met a temple member. In her cart, he was amazed to see cat food, knowing she hated cats.
He asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the girl had begged again, and she finally told her, "Well, if G-d gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
"You can guess the rest," she told the rabbi, "I watched my little girl go out in the yard, look up to the heavens above, and ask G-d for a cat. And really, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed in front of her!"
Subject: Religiously. The doctor told Rabbi Green he had to follow this diet religiously if he was to loss weight.
So the Rabbi ate what he wanted and then prayed he didn't gain weight.
Subject: Apikores. A young apostate who was a rabble rouser wanted to create havoc by publicly desecrating as much Halacha as possible.
He heard about an old apikores who lived in another town and embarked on a journey to see if he could in list his aid in doing so. When he arrived he went to the shul where he was told he could find the old apikores.
As he walked into the Shul and the apostate was pointed out to him he saw the apikores Davening Shmone Esreh with a talis on his head "shuckling" like a Yeshiva bachur. Obviously, the young man was disturbed by what he saw. When the old man took his three steps back, the young man said to him, "I don't understand. I heard that you were the foremost Apostate in the land and here I walk in and find you davening like this."
So the old man turned to him angrily and said, "I'm an Apikores, NOT a Shegetz!"
Subject: Heaven. Rabbi Goldman walks into a shul in Tel Aviv, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Rabbi."
The Rabbi said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the Rabbi asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the Rabbi.
Then the Rabbi walked up to Finklestein and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Finklestein said, "No, I don't Rabbi."
The Rabbi said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Finklestein said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Subject: Visit to Rome. It turns out a very observant Catholic who had always wished to visit the Vatican to see the Pope, finally got his wish. Packing up to go to Rome, his Priest told him that without an appointment and special letter, it would be impossible to see the Pope. However, the Priest told his parishioner that there was one road in Rome where the Pope would always take his Sunday afternoon walk, and that if it was really the man's wish to see the Pope, he should walk through that street on a Sunday.
Sure enough, the fellow went to Rome and positioned himself on that street. Sure enough, the Pope came walking down the street. Just as the fellow was about to approach the Pope, he saw a Chassid with a shtreimel and peous, who approached the Pope. From a distance, the fellow could see that the Pope spoke to the Chassid! By the time the fellow got up to the Pope, he had gone and the fellow had missed his chance.
Not to be outdone, and since the fellow could only afford to be in Rome another 10 days, he decided that he would go and buy a schtreimel and put on artificial peous, and would wait for the Pope.
Sure enough, the next Sunday the fellow stood on the very corner where the Chassid had stood the week before. He waited for the Pope, and sure enough the Pontiff came.
Approaching the Pope, the fellow said: "Do you remember me from last week?" "Sure, I do" said the Pope, "and I told you to get lost then, why are you coming back to annoy me?"
Subject: Kiddush Clubs Observe Siyum HaShots. NEW YORK--On Saturday morning in synagogues around the world, kiddush club members celebrated the completion of a seven-and-a-half-month cycle of weekly drinking. The celebration, called Siyum HaShots, was marked by the downing of various whiskeys, bourbons, ryes, rums, and brandies, until every bottle was empty.
"Shots in shul are a time-honored tradition," said siyum organizer Ben Shikker. "We all know that wherever four Jews gather, there’s always a fifth." The siyum (Hebrew for conclusion) is held every seven-and-a-half months because it takes that long for the average kiddush club to polish off all its liquors and begin new bottles. Shikker concedes that pressure is now being placed on synagogues to abolish their kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots. "It’s shameful," said Shikker. "The OU is waging a whole campaign against us, called ‘Now You Siyum, Now You Don’t.’ But we won’t be intimidated."
Shikker asserts that being part of a kiddush club actually improves the fervency of one’s davening, or prayers. "You can’t spell spirituality without spirits," he noted. He added that men who partake in a private kiddush during the haftorah "shokkel more during Musaf." Some rabbis see it differently, however.
"They shokkel because they can’t stand straight after all that schnapps," said Rabbi Nofun Ahloud. "Or, even worse, they desperately need the bathroom." Despite the current protests, Shikker vows that shul kiddush clubs and the Siyum HaShots will continue. Furthermore, he advocates bringing the tradition into one’s home.
"When my wife asks me to buy her a dozen roses, I give her three bottles of Four Roses," said Shikker. "I’m very proud of that."
Subject: Perfect Solution. Let me suggest the perfect solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Since the Palestinians want a homeland and it doesn't seem that chopping Israel up even smaller than it already is, is a satisfactory solution... Let's give France to the Palestinians!
The French have already stated that nothing is worth fighting for. Besides, France has better irrigation and soil than the West Bank and Gaza strip. It's the perfect solution. The French won't even fight back.
And how about a new name for this Franco-Palestine country?
I propose the name - Frankenstine?
Subject: Guru. Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. "I vont to go to India."
"Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's full of poor people."
"I vont to go to India."
"But it's a long journey, you'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors."
"I vont to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes.
She arrives in India and joins the seemingly never-ending line of people waiting for an audience with a guru.
An aide tells her that it will take at least six hours of standing in line to see the guru.
"Dotz OK."
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that due to the long lines she can only say SIX words to the guru.
"Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon his eager initiates.
Just before she reaches the holy of holiest she is once again reminded: "Remember, just SIX words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet.
She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sheldon, It's your mother. Come home."
Subject: The Promise. Sadie is dying. As she lay in her bed, she says, "Shlomo, are you here?"
"Sadie, can't you see I'm standing right next to you?" replies Shlomo.
"Well that's a change," says Sadie, "I'm not used to having you at home."
"Oh now come on darling," says Shlomo, "you didn't really expect me to be out of the house when you're dying?"
"Well it wouldn't have surprised me," says Sadie.
"Please let's not argue," says Shlomo.
"OK," says Sadie, "but I want you to promise me something. How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?"
"Four," replies Shlomo.
"Does that include the hearse?" asks Sadie.
"Yes," replies Shlomo, "but this is not the time to talk about it."
"Shlomo, it's my funeral, remember," says Sadie. "Four cars are too many. If people want to come, let them find their own way there. Cancel one of the cars."
"OK," says Shlomo.
"And I want you to promise me something else," says Sadie.
"Anything darling," says Shlomo.
"I want you and my mother to travel together in the same car," says Sadie.
"But darling," says Shlomo, "you know we've not spoken to one another for at least ten years."
"I know," says Sadie, "but I don't care. It's what I want. Promise me you'll do it."
"Well, OK," replies Shlomo, "I'll do it, but let me tell you now, it will ruin the day for me."
Subject: Guess Whose Coming to Dinner? This evening the doorbell rang. We live in a predominantly Jewish suburban neighbourhood of single family homes, a demographic fact known far and wide. I opened the door and was greeted by a nicely dressed man.
"I have come to bring Jesus to your home," he said.
I reacted almost immediately and asked, "Is he coming for dinner?"
The man said "he will come any time you are ready."
Aha! I had a live one. "Well, tonight we're having stir fry. Does Jesus like chicken?" I asked.
The man's eyes glazed slightly.
"I don't know if he keeps kosher after all these years," I continued, "but this is a kosher home, so he'll be able to eat."
The man fumbled into a briefcase and handed me a printed brochure, which I ignored.
"If he wants to daven mincha before coming, the shul is only 4 blocks from here" I said.
He gulped "What?"
I repeated my statement and added, "You do mean Jesus Christ, don't you?"
He nodded. "Born in Bethlehem?"
He nodded and started to back away from my door.
I smiled and said, "If that's the guy, he's Jewish."
As he started to turn away, I said, "You're invited too, but no butter on your dinner roll" and the guy almost ran down the walk.
My wife asked me who was at the door, and I told her, "Some friend of Jesus." My wife knows me. She shrugged. "And did you invite him in?" she asked. I nodded. "Sure I invited him and Jesus to dinner, but the guy ran away."
She walked back into her office and said over her shoulder, "You don't speak Aramaic; Jesus would have a lousy evening here." I told you she knows me. I forgot all about the language problem.
Subject: The Priest. Abe Cohen converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.
"Pastor Cohen," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."
Subject: The Pope and the Rabbi. When a new Pope is appointed, there is centuries old tradition that the Chief Rabbi of Rome visits the new Pope, and hands him an envelope. Tradition dictates that the Pope then returns the envelope to the Rabbi. Apparently, when this last happened 26 years ago, when Pope John Paul II was appointed. The Rabbi duly requested and received an audience with the Pope, and handed him the envelope, by now stained and tattered, but never opened. Before handing it back to the Rabbi, the Pope asked if the Rabbi knew what was in the envelope. The Rabbi shrugged. The Pope decided to find out, and whilst they were talking, the Pope had one of his Cardinals steam the envelope open, see what was inside and reseal it.
The cardinal whispers in the Pope's ear and the envelope is quickly handed back to the Rabbi, in keeping with tradition.
What was in the envelope, you ask?
To find out, scroll down...
Subject: Jewish Rules for Living. 1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
7. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.
8. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
9. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
10. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
11. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
12. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
13. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say goodbye and never leave.
14. Always whisper the names of diseases.
15. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
16. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
17. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
18. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
19. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida
Subject: Plane. The plane was encountering severe problems on a transatlantic flight. Then it got really rough. Finally the pilot - a "good 'ol southern boy" - announced in a pronounced drawl:
"Folks y'all can tell we're havin' trouble. We can't maintain altitude. So throw all the luggage off the plane, we'll lighten the load and get outta this mess."
The luggage went out but it wasn't much better. The pilot then announced:
"We're in real trouble here. We're still too heavy. We're gonna have to lose a few people to save all of the rest of us. The only thing I can think of is to do this in alphabetical order. So here goes, starting with 'A'."
"Will all the African-Americans please stand up?" Nobody moved.
"Will all the Blacks please stand up?" Still nobody moved.
"Will all the Colored's please stand up." Again, nobody moved.
A young Black child turned to her mother: "Mom, aren't we all of those things?"
Her mother replied: "Nope. Today, we are Schvartzes."
Subject: Noah. In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. - I needed a building permit. - I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. - My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. - We had to go to the Planning Tribunal for a decision. - Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. - I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. - There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Subject: Newsflash - Bush. Authorities Overwhelmed.
In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive and in fact dismissive of Israel, one of America's closest allies, today President Bush announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people.
Authorities have been unable to handle the millions of applicants who volunteered to be the moyel.
Subject: Abie and Sadie. Abie and Sadie had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the lower east side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Puerto Ricans were moving in.
"Abie, we have to move to Westchester," said Sadie.
"We can't", said Abie. "This neighborhood is our life. We've been here for thirty-three years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too."
Sadie says, "What? Catholic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? We're Jews. No Catholic articles!"
Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait.
Sadie agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to Abie, "OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue."
Abie: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue? This is Abie And Sadie's on Delancey Street. I want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call them, rosaries? 500 crucifixes, and I need those things here tomorrow."
"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But, tomorrow we don't deliver, it's Shabbos."
Subject: Jewish Air Conditioning. It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!" They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohen's last name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: Norm, Hi and Max.
Subject: Moving' On Up With Sadie. Sadie had moved to the suburbs now, and she and Abe had joined the new very elite Country Club there.
Abe was somewhat embarrassed by Sadie when they would dine there, and one evening, before they went out for dinner at the club, Abe decided to give his wife a bit of advice. "Sadie" he said, "ven ve go to dee club, and dee vaiter asks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink, please don't say 'ah glass Manishevitz vine.' At a club like dis, you don't esk for Manishevitz vine."
"Well, Abe," she replied "if not Manishevitz, vot should I esk for?"
Abe answered, "You should esk for ah Martini, Everybody drinks Martinis now. You'll like it. Okay?"
With that, Sadie agreed that next time it would be Martinis for her.
That evening at the club, when the waiter approached their table to take their order for drinks, Sadie was well prepared.
The meticulously attired waiter asked, "Ma'am, may I bring you a cocktail?"
Sadie was ready and proudly announced, "Yes, I'll have ah Martini."
"Dry?" questioned the waiter.
"No," replied Sadie "tzvei iz genug"
Subject: A Woman's Prayer for Passover. By Esther Blaustein 1971
L-rd, let not the line at the supermarket be too long
Let the produce be fresh and crisp and let there be
just one more jar of Kosher-for-Passover mayonnaise left.
You see, Lord, I forgot that there is school next week
And tuna fish falls off matzoh sandwiches so easily.
When it is not held together with enough mayonnaise.
G-d, please let everyone be well for the two Seder nights
And while You are at it, could you please make it the rest of the year too?
And if you do not make me spend so many hours
Swabbing chickenpox with calamine lotion
I promise that I will devote my leisure
To ecology, UJA, JHA and things like that.
Almighty G-d, let the children behave at the seder table
For I have labored so long to make everything right and lovely.
Suffer not their little fingers to spill wine on the tablecloth and carpeting.
It never seems to come out.
And let them pipe the Mah Nishtanah and the Chad Gadya
In such abundant glee and wisdom
As to make the car pool to Hebrew School worth it.
Ruler of the Universe, it seems that I will never get all these dishes changed
And everyone's clothes ready, and all the chametz out of the house in time.
So remember, Dear Lord,
To please make sure that the cleaning woman shows up.
Creator of the World let each year have our table be fuller
Not only with Your bounty, but with people.
All our loved ones, dear friends, new babies,
And young lovers shyly brought home for approval.
And let this year begin, and next year see
Our banquet seats overflowing
With our long-lost Jews who crouch in fear in countries other than ours.
G-d of Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob, Rachel and Leah
Let me not,
In the hustle and rush of preparation,
Forget what the Passover really means.
Subject: Bush in the Airport. Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe, and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.
Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.
Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"
Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back.
"Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."
Subject: Unfaithful. Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
Subject: Races. A Jewish man went to the races for the first time. Not knowing a thing about horse racing, he went to the paddock to take a look. He saw a rabbi blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the number and placed a $2 bet. Sure enough, the horse won, and the man won $20.
He went down to the paddock again, and again the rabbi was blessing another horse. He wrote down the number, bet his $20, and again, the horse won, earning $100.
This went on, race after race, until the Jewish man had won $5000.
Just before the last race, he watched the rabbi bless another horse. He bet the whole $5000, but this time the horse came in dead last. He ran down and yelled to the rabbi: "Why did every horse you bless win, except the last one? He came in dead last!"
The rabbi replied: "That's the problem with you Reform Jews, you don't know the difference between a brucha and kaddish."
Subject: Skull Cap. After the passing of Pope John Paul II, the Cardinals had the duty to go through the late Pope's personal effects. One of the Cardinals noted that there had once been an inscription on the inside of the Pope's skull cap. The inscription was obviously very old and much obscured from wear and the passage of time.
Curious, the Cardinals sent the skull cap for study at the Vatican's antiquities department. Experts applied themselves to the task utilizing the latest in computer technology and encryption analysis.
They found that the inscription was in the ancient Hebrew language and after much work they cracked the code and translated the text.
The results were handed to the perplexed Cardinal who read: Benny & Malka's Wedding October 19, 1935 Krakow, Poland.
Subject: Entertaining a Jew in the White House. When Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special kosher chef and offer a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup.
George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.
Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, and then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, so he digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the Matzo, or just the balls?"
Subject: Midrash of the Two Brothers. The Familiar Midrash Version. Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family. It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "I have a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while my brother has no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain. Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "I live by myself whereas my brother has so many mouths to feed." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave bags of grain. One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and hugged and kissed each other.
And it is on that hill that the Temple was built.
The Updated Version. Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of the same hill. The first had a family - wife, sons, and daughters. The second lived by himself. It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "We have so many mouths to feed whereas my brother has only but himself." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain. Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "My brother has a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest while I have no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain. One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and yelled at each other and beat each other up.
And it is on that hill that the Knesset was built.
Subject: Every Mothers Desire in a Progressive Society. A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition her marriage to a wealthy man.
One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss."
She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's its going to be?"
The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter Sherry will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her and the baby where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week for life."
The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "G-d forbid, Sherry should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"
Subject: Moishe Glickman. A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy eh?"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them."
Passenger: "Mmmhmm, not many like that around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
Subject: Top Ten Things Overheard in Jewish History Re: Father's Day. From www.bangitout.com
10. Noah's Son to Noah: "Happy Abba Day! But how do you expect me to marry a Jewish girl with a name like HAM?"
9. Abraham to Terach: "Let's just say I crashed something, but it wasn't the car."
8. Yitzchak to Abraham: "Sacrifice me? Was it the cheesy piano-tie I gave you last year?"
7. Lot's Daughter to Lot: "Dad, you've got grandson on the way, um, I mean a son!"
6. Joseph to Yaakov: "I got you a time-share in the land of Goshen, don't worry, it's like Florida"
5. Moshe to Pharaoh: "It's the new Bangles CD, you'll love it"
4. Solomon to David: "Dad, I got engaged...again!"
3. Albert Einstein's Son to Albert Einstein: "I love you dad, you're da bomb!"
2. Rabbi Soloveichik to Dad: "There are really two distinct concepts in this pair of socks"
1. Jesus to Dad, "Hey, you're not G-d"
Subject: Parking in Jerusalem. Moshe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting and he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only Kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says "Don't bother, G-d, I've just found one."
Subject: The Debate. Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too lever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one G-d common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that G-d was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that G-d was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that G-d absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
Subject: Herring. An old Jew is traveling alone by train when an officer of the czar's army comes into his compartment and sits down. After traveling in silence for a while, the officer suddenly leans over and grabs the Jew by his lapels.
"Why are you Jews so much smarter than everyone else?" he demands.
The Jew is silent for a moment and then answers: "It's because of the herring we eat."
The officer looks thoughtful and sits back in silence. Soon the Jew takes out a piece of herring and begins to eat it.
"How many more pieces of herring do you have?" the officer asks.
"A dozen."
"And how much do you want for them?"
"Twenty rubles," the Jew answers, naming a large sum.
The officer reaches into his pocket and takes out the money, which he gives to the Jew in exchange for the herring.
Now, the Jew sits back and the officer begins to eat. After another few moments, the officer suddenly says, "This is ridiculous. In Moscow, I could have bought all this herring for a few kopecks."
"You see," the Jew replies, "it's working already."
Subject: A Yiddisha Mother. Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?
You're going out?
Yes.
With whom?
With a friend.
I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.
I didn't leave him. He left me!
You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.
I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?
I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.
There are lots of things that you did and I don't.
What are you hinting at?
Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.
You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?
My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!
So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?
He's not a loser.
A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?
Poor children with such a mother.
Such as what?
With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.
ENOUGH !!!
Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!
Now you're worried about the loser?
Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately.
Goodbye, mother.
Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!
If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?
Subject: Jew in Ireland. There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."
Subject: Mother Obsessed. A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
Subject: Conversation With G-d. A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked G-d, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
Subject: How's Your Daughter? Two Jewish ladies are talking about their children.
Golda asks Sheina how her daughter is.
Sheina says "Well, not so good. My daughter just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."
Golda answers "Oh, I am sorry to hear that."
Sheina says "Yes, it is sad. Her first husband, whom she divorced 3 years ago, was a dentist. But she is OK now, she is dating an accountant."
To this, Golda exclaims, "A dentist, A doctor and an Accountant. Oy Vey! All this naches (good fortune) from just one daughter!"
Subject: 10 Poignant Questions from Hashem. 1. Hashem won't ask what kind of car you drove,
He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.
2. Hashem won't ask the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3. Hashem won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet,
He'll ask how many people you helped to clothe.
4. Hashem won't ask what your highest salary was,
He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
5. Hashem won't ask what your job title was,
He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
6. Hashem won't ask how many friends you had,
He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
7. Hashem won't ask in what neighborhood you lived,
He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.
8. Hashem won't ask about your appearance,
He'll ask about the content of your character.
9. Hashem won't ask why it took you so long to seek forgiveness,
He'll ask why you didn't forgive those who wronged you.
10. Hashem won't ask how many people you forwarded this to,
He'll ask if you were embarrassed to pass it on to your friends.
Subject: Jewish Robber. A long time ago, in a small Russian town, an Orthodox Jewish family became poorer and poorer. No matter what the husband and wife did to try to put bread on the table, their family's situation became worse and worse.
Finally, as the husband saw they were about to starve, he decided he could no longer live honestly. "Wife," he said, "Pack up my prayer shawl and phylacteries, and give me a knife. I will become a robber."
The wife was extremely upset, but she did as her husband told her.
The man wandered into the woods, and it wasn't long before he saw another Jewish man. This man looked fairly prosperous. "Reb Yid," the Yiddishe robber said, "Give me all that you have on you. Give me your money, your jewelry! If you don't, I will stab you to death! I'm not fooling around! Give me everything or I will leave you for dead!"
The wealthier man quickly thought about the situation, and concluded it probably wouldn't happen. "I will give you nothing! If you wish, stab me!"
The robber took out the knife and was about to stab him, when he looked at the knife and threw it away saying, "In ale shvartzse yorn! Zi hot mir gebebn a milchikn messer!"
(Translation: "In all dark years! She gave me a milk knife!")
Subject: Pope's Blessing. The Pope was saying daily Mass, before a throng of the faithful, at the Vatican. The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind."
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They were taken back that the Pope blessed all "Mankind," but not, "Womankind."
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind and Womankind."
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they took notice that he blessed mankind and womankind, and insisted that he also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure, no problem".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
Subject: The Rosh Hashanah Diet. So I began a 'diet' before Rosh Hashanah! (I know you're all laughing!)
Firstly I hate the term 'diet' - because that means if you can start something, then you can just as easily stop it and starting it before Yom Tov was nothing short of completely absurd.
So Mrs. P. and I were power walking our way on the treadmill anxiously counting down the minutes until the honey cake hour. And so, the hour arrived and on the beautifully dressed Yom Tov table was a delicious marble cake; made with orange juice and quite moist, a light sponge marble cake; it's made with 12 eggs and is almost 15cm in height and so light and yummy, and then there's my mother's classic honey cake; so moist and delicious.
And so what does Rashi say about eating the cakes on the 'Rosh Hashanah diet' - he says that you must try each one in order not to G-d forbid insult any of the bakers; my mother and my 2 grand mothers - who are all eagerly watching each guest and seeing who will take which piece.
Now the truth is, that I could not have possibly been hungry; I had just consumed home-made gefilte fish, avocado dip, egg dip, challah, 3 slices of a rack of lamb with potato kugel, tzimmes and 3 different salads. Oh, and of course cut up fresh fruit. So when I asked 'who would like a cup of tea?' I thought I would be answered with complete silence. Instead I had a chorus for different types of tea and 1 black coffee - my grand mother was falling asleep and needed a quick fix - after all, it was almost 11pm.
Yom Tov came out after 7pm. I was back on the treadmill at 8pm. So too was Mrs. P. Well… so much for the Rosh Hashanah diet…..NOT!
After all - I'm not one to argue with Rashi!
Subject: A Great Lesson. One of the Reichman brothers passed away this summer, leaving 1 billion dollars. He left two wills, directing that one be opened immediately and the second be opened at the Shloshim (after 30 days).
Among the instructions left in the first will was a request the he be buried with a certain pair of socks that he owned. The Reichman children immediately brought the socks to the Chevra Kadisha, requesting that their father be buried in them. Of course, the Chevra Kadisha refused, reminding the family that it's against the Halacha. They pleaded, explaining that their father was a very pious and learned man, and he obviously had a very good reason to make this request.
The Chevra Kadisha remained firm in their refusal.
The family frantically summoned the Chevra Kadisha to Beis Din, where the Rov gently explained to them, "Although your father left that request when he was on this world, now that he's in the world of truth, he surely understands that it is in his best interests to be buried without the socks."
Mr. Reichman was buried without his socks.
30 days later, the second will was opened, and it read something like this; "My dear children. By now you must have buried me without my socks. I wanted you to truly understand that a man can have 1 billion dollars, but in the end, he can't even take along one pair of socks!"
What a man!
Subject: Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper. A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
Subject: The Picnic. A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Subject: Last Meal. Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES???"
"Yes, Strawberries."
He is told "But they are out of season !"
"So, I'll wait..."
Subject: Things a Jewish Mother Would Never Say. "Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - it's quite warm out."
"Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week."
"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."
"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."
"Just leave all the lights on; it makes the house more cheery."
"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?"
"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"
"Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know."
"I don't have a tissue with me - just use your sleeve."
"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."
"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?"
Subject: Two Books. One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
Subject: Was that Latin? Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.
"Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of grey. We need black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"Well, I know a little Latin. What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'".
Subject: If Their Mothers Were Jewish. PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
Subject: The Rabbi. A boy decided that he wanted to become a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed.
"Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give you the answer," declared the rabbi when the boy went to meet him.
"Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on a Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?" the boy asked.
"You don't want to become a rabbi," thundered the rabbi. "With questions like that you want to become the shul president!"
Subject: Pope's Blessing. The Pope was saying daily Mass, before a throng of the faithful, at the Vatican. The Pope finished his sermon with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind."
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They were taken back that the Pope blessed all "Mankind," but not, "Womankind."
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini," translated in English, meaning, "Blessed be Mankind and Womankind."
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they took notice that he blessed mankind and womankind, and insisted that he also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure, no problem".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
Subject: Jewish Barbie. In an effort to prop up lagging sales for their Barbie doll and Ken Doll line, Mattel has targeted the little Jewish girl market with Barbie dolls that reflect Jewish culture.
Kollel Barbie comes with several jobs as her accessories and a tummy that inflates and deflates in nine month cycles. Kollel Ken comes with a bench to sit on and a table to put his gemara on. Ken's head fits perfectly into the contours of the gemorah accessory and is equipped to drool and snore away the day while Barbie tends to the babies and her 17 jobs.
Hasidic Barbie comes with permanent stockings and is bald, but you'll never know because it's covered with a state-of-the-art shpitzel and pillbox hat. Hasidic Ken comes with downward-looking eyes because he's not allowed to look at other dolls.
Yeshivish Barbie comes with 84 snoods, 174 hats, 24 non-Indian hair sheitels and one tichel that allows her hair to show a bit when she's feeling naughty. Yeshivish Ken comes with one suit, one crumpled hat, and one pair of tzitzis that drag on the ground.
Modern Barbie comes with pants, plus a helmet and body armour to protect her from the stones thrown at her by ultra-orthodox Ken dolls that come with the Meah Shearim playset.
Upper West Side Barbie comes with 74 single Ken dolls she considers friends because she doesn't think of them "that way." Little does she know that 37 of the Ken dolls have like this totally huge crush on her. She also comes with Kleenexes to wipe away the tears that she sheds every time Skipper reminds her that "Friends" is over.
These new dolls, with their controversial accessories, did not go uncontested. Several organizations, including the Anti Defamation Kollel League, the Anti Defamation Hasidic League, the Anti Defamation Yeshivish League, the Anti Defamation Modern League and the Anti Defamation Upper West Side League have voiced concern over the stereotypes these dolls represent.
In a press release, Mattel said, "Tough noogies, just WAIT till we come out with Nidah Barbie, we KNOW that's gonna push some buttons!"
Subject: Union. A certain Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company. "Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!" goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence, then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
Subject: Temple Service. Two little old ladies were attending a rather long temple service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My tuchas is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
Subject: Taxi Driver. A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Subject: Rise In Crimes. Did you see the recent story in the Jewish Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse?
Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour.
A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, "I'm appalled by the rise in white challa crimes!"
Subject: The New Rabbi. There was once a newly ordained rabbi who joined the staff of a large, well-to-do temple. The senior rabbi had been there for many years and was steeped in wisdom. The junior rabbi was very full of himself, having taken a number of prizes for preaching in the Yeshiva. He was particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit.
One day, during a discussion he said to the senior rabbi "There is not a subject in the world that I could not immediately find a Biblical text for and just as immediately be able to preach a sermon."
The older rabbi decided to put him to the test. "Well, my boy," he said, "don't prepare any sermon for services next Friday night. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a sealed envelope from me. Inside it will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one word topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit."
The young rabbi looked forward to the test with relish.
The day came. The young rabbi took the pulpit. The elder rabbi squirmed with anticipation. The young rabbi opened the envelope and on the sheet of paper inside saw one word: "CONSTIPATION."
Immediately the young rabbi proclaimed: "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain."
Subject: Alone on an Island. A liner, cruising down the Caribbean, noted an island in the distance from which a thin line of smoke was curling upward. This was not in itself surprising, but it was clearly marked on the charts as an uninhabited island. Use of the spyglass made it clear that some sort of habitation existed there, so the liner heaved to and sent out a small boat to investigate.
As the boat approached the island, the officer on board couldn't help but note a small but very neat pier. On it was an elderly man, dressed in faultless yachting costume.
The elderly man greeted the officer enthusiastically when he landed. "Sir," he said, "my name is Abromowitz, and I have been here ten years, ever since I was marooned here - the only survivor of a ship sunk in a storm."
"The only survivor?" said the officer. "But I see numerous houses here."
"I built them myself," said Abromowitz, "so I could have the feeling of living in a community. I also built this pier, and an electric generating plant run by water power. I have a small textile factory where I produce my clothes, including these which I am wearing. I have everything I need here."
"But this is remarkable," said the officer. "Unbelievable!"
Abromowitz shrugged. "If you really want to see something, come with me." He led the officer to one corner of the island and there they came upon a miniature synagogue. "In this temple," said Abromowitz, "I pray every Sabbath and every holy day. I don't have the necessary ten men to make it official, but it gives me great comfort nevertheless."
The men from the ship were more astonished than ever. The temple was small but it had pews, a balcony, a seven-branched candlestick, a recess for the Torah, and seemed in every way to be neat and tasteful.
Drinking in the obvious stupefaction of the officer, Abromowitz said, "Let me show you something else."
The officer followed him to another corner of the island, and there they found another synagogue, larger and considerably more elaborate than the first.
The officer said, "But if you are the only one on the island, and you use the first temple you showed me, what is this?"
"This," said Abromowitz, with a gesture of contempt, "is the temple I wouldn't go to for anything."
Subject: Hechsherim. I just can't resist a true story that happened about 30 years ago. We bought a bottle of Israeli wine with a Hechsher on it of a rabbi who had been dead for years. (I assume the wine had been bottled earlier.)
Anyway, my Zaide came up with a perfect explanation: The wine company had come to the rabbi and asked him for a Hechsher, and he answered, "Over my dead body!"
Subject: The Rabbi's Gift. Once a synagogue had fallen on hard times. Only five members were left: the cantor and four others, all over 60 years old.
In the mountains near the shul there lived a retired rabbi. It occurred to the five to ask the rabbi if he could offer any advice that might save the shul.
The cantor and the rabbi spoke at length but when asked for advice, the rabbi simply responded by saying, "I have no advice to give. The only thing I can tell you is the Messiah is one of you."
The cantor returning to the shul told the four members what the rabbi had said.
In the months that followed, the old shul members pondered the words of the rabbi. "The Messiah is one of us?" they each asked themselves.
As they thought about this possibility, they all began to treat each other with extraordinary respect on the off-chance that, one among them might be the Messiah ... and on the off-chance that each member himself might be the Messiah; they also began to treat themselves with extraordinary care.
As time went by, people visiting the shul noticed the aura of respect and gentle kindness that surrounded the five old members of the small shul.
Hardly knowing why, more people began to come back to worship at the old synagogue. They began to bring their friends, and their friends brought more friends.
Within a few years, the small shul had once again become a thriving congregation, thanks to the rabbi's gift!
Subject: Praying. A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."
The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."
"All right," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."
Subject: The Shnorrer. The shnorrer (a beggar who makes pretensions to respectability; sponger, a parasite) comes to Goldstein for his monthly handout. He knocks on the door, but there is no reply. He knocks again, and a dishevelled-looking Goldstein answers the door.
"What's the matter," asks the shnorrer. "Is something wrong?"
"I've gone bankrupt," says Goldstein, "haven't you heard?"
"Certainly I've heard," says the shnorrer.
"Then what do you want from me?" asks Goldstein.
The shnorrer says, "Ten cents on the dollar."
Subject: The Shnorrer. Mrs. Berger, feeling sorry for a shnorrer (a beggar who makes pretensions to respectability; sponger, a parasite) who appeared at her door, invited him in and gave him a substantial meal: chicken, kugel, wine, and two kinds of bread - black bread and challah.
The shnorrer devoured everything he was given, except the black bread. "The challah was wonderful," he said. "Do you have any more?"
"My dear man," said Mrs. Berger, "we have plenty of black bread, but challah is very expensive."
"I know," said the shnorrer. "But believe me, lady, it's worth it."
Subject: A Merchant. A merchant who is known to be remiss in paying his bills is seen haggling with a wholesaler.
"Why bother," he is asked. "You won't pay the guy anyway, so why all the bargaining?"
"I like him," said the merchant, "and I want to help keep down his losses."
Subject: The Telegram. Steinberg and Fleisher, partners in the garment industry had just suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Steinberg said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by the end of the week, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Steinberg and Fleisher were closing up shop when, at ten minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"
The partners froze. Trembling, Fleisher grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Steinberg, GREAT NEWS! Your sister died!"
Subject: The Origin of "Kiss My Ass". It was in the great market in ancient Rome that Marcus Brutus Goldstein, a poor tailor, made Togas and sold them at his stall in the marketplace
As was his wont, he shouted out his wares for sale,
"Togas!! Finest Togas in all Rome!" he would shout, but alas, business was not good.
Finally, a friend suggested that since the weather was getting rather cold, he could increase business by lining the garments with a fine quality wool lining.
Marcus agreed and proceeded to line his Togas using the finest quality Kashmir lining.
And so, from that day forward, he could be heard loudly and proudly proclaiming throughout the market place, "Kashmir in togas" (Kiss My Ass).
Subject: Hershele Ostropoler. One day Hershele was travelling, and he stopped for the night at an inn. The place was deserted: there were no other guests, and even the innkeeper was away, leaving his wife in charge.
"I'm dying of hunger," Hershele told her. "Please give me something to eat."
The innkeeper's wife took a good look at her guest, and she didn't like what she saw. Hershele was unkempt, his coat was torn, and he looked altogether unsavoury.
This fellow will never be able to pay the bill, she thought. "I'm sorry, sir," she said to Hershele, "but we're all out of food tonight."
Hershele shook his head and said nothing. Then he looked straight ahead and said to the woman, "In that case, I'm going to have to do what my father did."
Immediately the woman grew frightened. "What did your father do?" she asked.
"My father," Hershele replied, "did what he had to do."
Hearing this, the woman grew even more frightened. Who knew what kind of father this mad had? And she alone in the house! Perhaps his father was a thief, murderer, or worse.
"Just a minute, sir," she said, and soon returned with a full plate of chicken, kishke, fish, and black bread.
Hershele devoured it all, as the woman looked on in amazement. When he finished, he told her, "Lady, that was a wonderful meal, the best I've tasted since last Passover."
Seeing that her guest was finally relaxed and satisfied, the innkeeper's wife dared to ask the question that had been burning in her all evening. "Good sir," she said, "please tell me, what was it that your father did?"
"My father?" said Hershele. "Oh yes, my father. You see, whenever my father couldn't get anything to eat - he went to bed hungry."
Subject: The Right Bait. Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try.
On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another.
He had to know the Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.
The other man looked around a bit embarrassed.
"Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."
Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.
The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck.
Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish.
Excuse me, asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."
Hmm, thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal.
He left, willing to give the lake one more try.
On the third day, Joe still had no luck.
As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right.
Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a Rabbi."
Subject: 5 Famous Passengers. An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left.
The first passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die". So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said. "I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the most ambitious woman in the world and I am a New York Senator and a potential future president". She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger. George W. Bush said "Out of my way. I'm president of the USA, the greatest and cleverest President in American history. I'm even greater then my daddy. I have to lead the world's greatest superpower nation in and out of war. Americans can't afford for me to die". So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger the Pope turned to the fifth passenger, a Lubavitcher Rebbe and said. "I am old and frail so I don't have many years left. As a good catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The Rebbe turned to him and said "Thank you but it's really OK. There are enough parachutes for both of us. America's greatest and cleverest President has just taken my Tallis bag".
Subject: Recall Notice. Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."
Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[c] Depression
[d] Foul vocal emissions
[e] Selfishness
[f]Ingratitude
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Rebellion
[i] Jealousy
The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Hashem, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.
To repeat, there is no fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Hashem, into the heart component of the human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Hashem will replace it with:
[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Kindness
[e] Goodness
[f]Faithfulness
[g] Gentleness
[h] Patience
[I]Self-control
Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, Hashem. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.
WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated.
Thank you for your immediate attention.
Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.
Shabbat Shalom!
Subject: Never Trust The BBC. Whilst listening to the BBC World Service's report on the health of Ariel Sharon, this past Motzei Shabbos, I could not help myself from laughing aloud.
The BBC Correspondent reported how the journalists camped outside Haddassah Hospital had just watched a group of Ultra-Orthodox Jews come outside the hospital building, raise their heads up to the seventh floor, where Sharon was recuperating, and sing some prayers for his recovery.
I guess the BBC's Correspondent had never seen Kiddush Levanah before.
Subject: Moishe and Gitel. Moishe had a wife named Gitel, who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), for the 65 years they had been married, Gitel was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out buying and selling junk and scrap metal with his old mule. Consequently, he was out a lot. One day, when Moishe was negotiating a deal with another junk dealer, Gitel brought him lunch. Moishe drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately after saying his brachos, Gitel began nagging him again. Kvetch, nag, nudge; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet - caught Gitel smack in the back of the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral the next day, one of the Rabbi's noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach Moishe, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the Rabbi decided to ask his old friend about it.
After the funeral, the Rabbi spoke to Moishe and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.
Moishe said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about what a good person my wife was, or how she was such a good cook, so Id nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the Rabbi asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Subject: Life in Florida. This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida. He was a widower and she was a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high. The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him.
Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes. The next morning, the widower was troubled. Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
"Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me."
Subject: "SH" Why the "SH" is so important in Yiddish?
SHMOK
SHLEPER
SHNORER
SHLIMAZL
SHVANTZ
SHVITZER
SHMONDRIK
SHPAIEN OIFN KEIVER
SHTIPN ARAIN
SHTEIN UN HOISN
SHTARK VI A FERD
SHTARK VI AIZN
SHIKLDIKE OIGN
SHPILKES IN TUCHES
SHEINER TUCHES
SHMUTZIKE CHAIE
SHVARTZE IORN
SHVARTZE CHAIE
SHTIK FLEISH
SHTIK DREK
FOILE SHTIK
ER PISHT OIF SHTEINER
SHEINE REINE KAPURE
SHEIGUETZ
SHKUTZEM
SHTARBT AVEK
And the most important, stays in a happy place: The Shikse...
Subject: Towel Heads. Recently, I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term so please note:
We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called 'Towel Heads', since the item they wear on their head is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads".
Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
Subject: Blind Man. A lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to take a bite when she turns to the man at the table next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she says. "Your napkin has fallen on the floor."
"Oi! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He reaches down to find his napkin. Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has spilled any food on his shirt.
"Hardly at all," she answers, "just a few cracker crumbs."
"Tanks, again, Missus," he replies, brushing them off. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't now dese tings."
A few moments later, he inquires again, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replies.
"I don't do vell vit de ladies. Do you tink I'm ugly?"
"You're quite presentable," she replies. "That shouldn't be a problem."
Smiling now, he exults, "Vat a relief I vas alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
A few more moments pass and the lady speaks up. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks.
"Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help what you've got I vill take," he answers.
"Lose the Jewish accent." she replies. "You're a Shvartza."
Subject: Abraham. Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.
The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.
The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."
The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"
Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
Subject: A Jewish Grandma.
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away.
She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay, alright already!"
A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened...
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
Subject: How to Stay Safe in the World Today. 1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20percent of all fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay at home because 17 percent of all accidents occur in the home. (that's 37 % already)
3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14 percent of all accidents occur to pedestrians. (now that's 51%)
4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16 percent of all accidents involve these forms! of transportation. (that's 67%)
5. Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else avoid hospitals.
You will be pleased to learn that only 0.01 percent of all deaths occur in a synagogue, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders.
Therefore logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is in Synagogue services. Torah Study is even safer. The number of deaths during Torah Study is too small to register.
For safety's sake, stay alive, go to Shul as often as possible, and attend Torah Study.
Subject: One Of The Best Quotes I Have Heard!
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward Hezbollah.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving Hezbollah is G-d's function. The Israeli's job is to arrange the meeting."
Subject: Chutzpah or Survival?
Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large room. One of the candidates is Maurice Cohen, a little Parisian Jewish Tunisian.
Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks all those who do not know the program language JAVA to rise and leave. 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself "I do not know this language, but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".
Bill Gates asks all the candidates that those who have never had the experience of team management of more than 100 people to rise and leave. 2000 more people leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself "I have never managed anybody but myself, but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me"? So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have excellent management diplomas to rise and leave. 500 more people leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself "I left school at 15, but what have I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to rise and leave. 498 more people leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! - have I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room.
He finds himself alone with one other candidate - everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you both have a little conversation in that language."
Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baroukh ata Adonaï". The other candidate answers: "Elohénou melekh haolam..."
Subject: Blow Up Dolls.
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter asks, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
Subject: Star Trek and the Arabs.
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."
Subject: Aches and Pains.
Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.
"Max, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger", says the doctor.
"Who asked you to make me younger?" says Max. "Just make sure I get older!"
Subject: Jewish Ice Cream.
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel in the following flavors:
Wailing Wallnut
Moishemellow
Mazel Toffee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
Simchas T'Oreo
It should be noted that all of these flavors come in either a cup or a Kohen.
Subject: Reverse Translation.
A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.
The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick... get me a translator."
Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"
The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honor. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
Subject: Akmed The Arab.
Akmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
Subject: Occupation.
A group of Israelis land at Heathrow. At passport control the first in line is asked:
Question: "Country of origin?"
Answer: "Israel."
Question: "Occupation?"
Answer: "No, we're only staying for a few days."
Subject: A Jew.
It helps to tell this with a Scottish accent:
Q: Whit's tha dufference between a ruch Jew, a puir Jew and a dead Jew.
A: A rich Jew has a canopy over his bed, a poor Jew has a can o' pee under his bed and a dead Jew canna pee at all.
Subject: If Arik Woke Up Today.
It is a rainy night and we are at Tel Hashomer Hospital. Only one assistant is around, named Shmiel. He is on night duty tonight in the room of "sleeping" former Prime Minister Ariel Sharon.
Everybody, but Sharon himself, knows he is no longer the Prime Minister of Israel. Shmiel is sitting peeling an apple and G the Israeli Secret Service (Shabak) agent is nodding off.
Suddenly, all the machines start to beep. The PM is waking up!
Sharon says, "I haven't slept like that for a long time! Get me my strategist, Reuven Adler; I have some ideas for a new direction."
Shmiel says, "Good morning, sir. How do you feel?"
Sharon answers, "I am dying of hunger. Where am I?"
The Shabak agent continues to sleep while Shmiel explains to Sharon what had happened to him.
Sharon does not take him seriously and says, "So tonight you fooled with the PM, eh Shmiel?"
Shmiel says, "Sorry sir but you are really no longer the PM."
After a few minutes Sharon asks, "So who replaced me?"
Shmiel answers, "Ehud Olmert."
Sharon reacts, "Olmert? That Jerusalemite potz? What will happen if war breaks out, he does not know how to run the army! At least Shaul [Mofaz] is still there!"
Shmiel answers, "Mofaz is the Minister of Transportation."
"So who is the Defence Minister?" Shmiel says, "Peretz."
"That old man is still alive?!" asks Sharon in wonderment.
Shmiel whispers trembling, "Not Peres, Peretz. Amir Peretz."
"What? Are you crazy? I close my eyes for a minute and you guys let a Labor leader take over the defence of the country?! Not all the factories in Dimona are the same. Does he know that? Listen, get Omri here right away. He will fix everything."
"Sorry sir, Omri is on his way to jail."
"Jail?? For that nonsense? I do not believe it. So get me my lawyer quickly. Get Klagsbald."
Shmiel responds, "Klagsbald is on his way to jail."
Sharon calms down and says, "I knew I could count on Klagsbald. He will get Omri out of it."
Shmiel corrects him and says, "No, sir. Klagsbald is also on his way to jail. He was driving and not paying attention and caused an accident unintentionally running over and killing a young woman and her son."
Sharon said, "So bring me [Avigdor] Yitzchaki. He always knows how to fix these situations."
"Sorry, sir. Yitzchaki is under his own investigation for tax fraud. He fixed things too much this time."
"Can't be. I know Yitzchaki. They must be framing him. So get me the Head of Police."
"Sorry, sir, but Karadi is under investigation for corruption."
"Of course he is. He is the head of police. I am sure he is in the middle of a number of investigations!"
"No, sir. This is an investigation against him!"
Sharon takes a deep breath. "It can't be. The whole justice system has been ruined! We must get them out of this. Get me the minister of Internal Security, Tzachi [Hanegbi]."
"Sir, Hanegbi has been indicted for fraud, bribery and job fixing. He is not a minister anymore."
"So get me the Justice Minister. Who did Olmert appoint?"
"Haim Ramon"
"So get him here!"
"Sorry sir. I can't. He has been indicted and is on trial for sexual misconduct."
"What? So get me the president. That is still Katzav, right?"
"Sorry sir, but Katzav is under investigation as well, for sexual misconduct AND wiretapping."
"So get me the Chief of Staff, Boogie [Moshe Ayalon]. Sorry I mean Halutz, right?"
"Sir, he got into some trouble in the Lebanon War. Nothing criminal. He sold some stocks. He will soon be giving testimony to an investigative committee."
"Halutz? He was a young Piper pilot during the Lebanon War!"
"Sir, that would be the second Lebanon War, it happened while you were sleeping. We... how should I say? Lost the war but the Prime Minister said we should be patient, victory is coming."
Sharon looked around his room. "What is your name and what is your position?"
"Shmiel, Sir. I am a hospital attendant."
"Ok, Shmiel. Do not tell anyone about this conversation."
"You can count on me, sir."
"I'm going back to sleep."
Subject: Jewish Wife.
Daniel arrives home from work at 5pm and as soon as he steps through his front door, his wife Judith starts having a go at him. "Why don't you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house? I thought you said you were coming home at lunch time today. Where's the shopping I asked you to get on the way home? You left the toilet seat up again this morning. Don't you ever think of buying me shabbes flowers, like you used to do?"
This incessant criticism, nagging and complaining goes on for nearly 2 hours - nothing Daniel says or does seems to be right by her. By 7pm, Daniel has had enough. But he knows better than to have a go at Judith so he tries a more tactical approach.
"Darling," he says, "Please - let's start again. I'll go back outside and shut the door. Then I'll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I've just come home. What do you think?"
"OK," she replies.
So Daniel puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh darling, I'm home."
"And just where have you been?" says Judith, "It's past seven o'clock!"
Subject: Two Texans.
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."
Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?"
"Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John.
"Downtown Dallas."
Subject: Doctor Bloom.
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle, he gave me a longer cane."
Subject: The Maid in a Jewish Home.
A gentile woman came to work as cook-housemaid in a Jewish home. When she came home for leave, her relatives asked her what kind of people the Jews were.
"The Jews are rather nice. They are always most polite to me, give me presents, pay for medical help for me. Really, no complaints whatsoever. Only they have strange holidays. They have a holiday named Shabbat, when they eat in the dining room and smoke in the toilet. Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av which is a reminder of their great Temple which was destroyed in Biblical times. They smoke in the dining room but eat in the toilet, and they have a holiday named Yom Kippur, when they both eat and smoke in the toilet."
Subject: Circumcision.
A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They'd all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they were all together again discussing their experiences.. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Now that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God! he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone style he told his story.
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from GOD'S HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with ME. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, Father, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in very bad shape. The rabbi looked up at them and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Subject: Traffic Jam.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on Ayalon, just outside of Bat Yam. (A Suburb of Tel-Aviv)!
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Amir Peretz, Ehud Olmert, Dan Halutz, Zahava Gale'on and Rabbi Ovadya Josef. They are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a liter"
It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension, that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son,
Jacob Adam
is called to
the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.
Saturday, May 12th - (yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880
at the ungodly hour of 9 am even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20am to catch the real action. If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the kiddush (its just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which starts at 7 PM , (not 8 PM. or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport , CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment
and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees, most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling, and most "tootsed" to the nines. At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending, or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show. Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number. "Off the top of your head" gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.
Hope you can make it! Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond
BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength.
Subject: Ya Gotta Be Jewish.
Moshe was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, Moshe," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Yitzhak."
"But I thought you hated Yitzhak," she said.
With his last breath Moshe said, "I do!"
Subject: Fetch.
Morty visits Dr. Danielle, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog, has a problem."
Dr. Danielle says, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Danielle is amazed "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'".
Subject: Buffalo.
.There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the shtetl one night. The papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorwitz.
"So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never believe."
"What?" says the mama.
"Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."
"Yes?" says the mama, "so what did you say?"
"I said Yes."
"You said Yes?"
"I said Yes."
"That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said Yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz, Minihorwitz is getting married!"
"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bagel."
"Sittin' Bagel?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"
"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.
"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"
"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.
"Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!" says the mama.
"What, at this hour?"
"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!"
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes home. Exhausted. Staggering. And empty-handed.
"Geronowitz! I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my buffalo?!"
"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day."
"The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that way, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This', I thought to myself, 'is not the buffalo for MY daughter's wedding. So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day."
"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way, going up hills und down hills, suddenly, there it was! A magnificent buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. This, I says to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding."
"So I reach into! my backpack quietly for my tomahawk and, as I tiptoe over to the buffalo, I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."
"See what?" says Pocayenta.
"I've brought the milchedik (dairy) tomahawk!"
Subject: Easter Mass.
Little Abe goes into Church, takes out his Tallis, takes out the yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray.
The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services. He stands up and says "Will all non Catholics please leave."
Little Abe goes right on davening.
Next request, again "Will all non Catholics please leave." Nothing.
Finally, the Priest gets up and says "Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off the Yarmulke and puts it away.
Then Abe goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Jesus and says the immortal words "Cum bubbela they don't want us here anymore."
Subject: To My Fellow Shul Mispallel.
Dear Editor,
A public service message to my fellow shul mispallel who is obsessed with his cell phone:
Hello, you have reached the voicemail of Shloimie Sprintzer.
I am currently davening.
Please choose from one of the following options.
To leave a message, press #1.
To leave a message for me to call you back during kriyas haTorah, press #2.
To text-message me, so I can respond during Shemonah Esrei, press #3.
To page me, so that I can ignore your call and allow the phone to ring, increasing in volume, and thereby disturb everyone else's Shemonah Esrei, press #4.
To page me, so that I can answer during Shemonah Esrei and make inarticulate grunting noises, press #5.
If you have video capability, page me by pressing #6, so that I can communicate through sign language or written notes during Shemonah Esrei.
If you are davening yourself and wish to respond to Kaddish or Kedusha, press #7.
To choose from ring options that can be played during Hallel, press #8.
If you would like to hear a pre-recorded p'sak permitting tefillah b'tzibbur via cell phone from Rabbi Yisroel Meir Shmeril Tupenovsky (RIMSHOT), press #9.
To make a Kiddush Hashem, hang up, turn off your phone, and wait until davening is over to worry about your calls.
Subject: Smoke Free England.
As of the 1st - England is now smoke free.
In keeping with the new regulations, Glasgow Airport would like to remindall Muslim passengers that they must extinguish themselves before entering the terminal!
Subject: You Might Be A Jewish Redneck If...
* You light your Shabbat candles from your cigarette
* Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke
* Instead of a noisemaker (grogger), you fire a shotgun at Haman's name
* You have a gun rack in your sukkah
* You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher
* You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law
* You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks
* When someone shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy
* You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion
* You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease.
Subject: Jewish Women's Lunch.
Three Jewish women get together for lunch.
As they are being seated at the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "Oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "Oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Ladies, I thought we agreed that when we got together, we weren't going to talk about our children."
Subject: Meshulach.
Meshulach is told by lady of the house "Sorry, my husband's not available. Approach him in Shul tomorrow".
Meshulach: "Could you ask him to come out here for a moment so I can see what he looks like. Then I'll know who to approach."
(True story - and guess what... he came out... and gave a nice donation - on the spot!)
Subject: Shoe Repair.
Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.
Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old.
Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.
The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.
Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!
Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"
Subject: Jewish Salesman.
In the late 1960's it was decided to get rid of the last Jewish member of the Polish politburo.
So he was sent off to sell Polish cars to the Germans.
Two weeks later, he returned with a signed contract.
Surprised but still eager to oust the Jew, they sent him off to the United States to sell Polish computers.
A month later he comes home, signed contracts overfilling his briefcase.
Stunned, but now more determined than before, the politburo sends him off to the People's Republic of China to sell Polish rice.
Months pass and the Poles are glad they haven't heard from him.
Then one day, about six months after he left, he shows up for their regularly scheduled meeting, signed contract in hand.
"But... how did you manage it?" they demand.
"It was tough" he acknowledged.
"It took me six months to find another Jew."
Subject: Yugo.
Goldberg is driving a Yugo and pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolls down his window and shouts to his friend Schwartz, the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
Schwartz looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
Goldberg says, "Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
Schwartz, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
Goldberg says, "That's great! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
Schwartz, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
Goldberg says, "Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, Schwartz sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, Schwartz picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So Schwartz begins searching for Goldberg, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. Schwartz gets out and knocks on the window on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually Goldberg stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," Schwartz stated arrogantly.
Goldberg looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that?!"
Subject: The Unknown Soldier.
A group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They look at the tomb and read the following inscription:
ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ
BORN 5694
DIED 5733
A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER
The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?" Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier - he was the best!"
Subject: Hawaii.
Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, "It's pronounced 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said.
"I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.
And so it went, all the way to the vacation...
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. Morris abruptly stopped his wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"
As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!" he called back.
"And you shall make for Aaron your brother and for his sons linen undergarments to cover their nakedness; they shall reach from the waist to the thighs."
There you have it, straight from Moses.
The only Kosher underwear is:
BOXER SHORTS!
Subject: Bloomindales.
A woman from New York City was near death and getting her affairs in order. She prepared her Will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales.
"Bloomindales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomindales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
Subject: The Chazir Fresser!
Yankel succumbed to eating a small piece bacon one day.
He felt so remorseful that he had nightmares and couldn't sleep at all for a whole week.
In the end he became quite depressed about it.
He decided to go and see the rabbi.
"Hmm, a small piece of bacon" said the rabbi, "you must start regularly attending shul, and after each prayer during the day you must say three chapters of tehillim."
Yankel agreed.
As soon as he could he went to shul and joined in the Mincha prayers. Then he sat down on a bench, picked up a sefer and started to read his three chapters of tehillim.
Yankel couldn't help noticing a chassid sitting next to him, with the full garb - black hat, payot, long beard, dressed in a black frock coat.
The chassid was also reading from the sefer tehillim, but not three chapters, t looked like 20 or even more the way he was whizzing through them...no it was forty chapters!
Yankel was shocked.
He thought to himself, "Such a pious Jew, with his black hat, payot and beard - and he could eat so much bacon!"
Subject: The Shamas.
Goldberg is the Shamas at the shul. One day he receives a package for the shul and signs for it with an "X". The shul president asks what gives with the "X", and Goldberg admits that he can't write.
The president discusses this with the committee and they agree that it will not do to have an illiterate shamas, so they fire him.
What is an unemployed shamas to do?
He opens a grocery store.... And it does very well.... So he opens another. He becomes so successful that very soon he has a chain of supermarkets.
He decides to expand across the country and he gets a billion-dollar loan from the bank.
The loan documents are placed before him for his signature. In the space he makes an "X".
The bank manager looks at the "X" on the document, shakes his head and says to Goldberg: "Mr. Goldberg, can you imagine what you could have become if only you knew how to write...?"
Goldberg answers "Yes, I know... a shamas."
Subject: The Rabbi's Meal.
There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He really wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen. One weekend, he made and excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant, and ordered the roasted pork.
While he's waiting for his order to be prepared, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the rabbi has no choice but to agree.
A while later, the waiter returns with the rabbi's meal. He takes the cover off the platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth. The congregation president is more than a little surprised. "What a fancy place," explains the rabbi quickly. "Just look at how they serve my baked apple."
Subject: Jewish Moms.
Three Jewish mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Goldstein with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Cohen proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Epstein sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jill does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a $150 an hour - just to talk about me!"
Subject: The World's Shortest (Jewish) Books.
1. "My Favorite Joan Baez Songs," by Saddam Hussein.
2. "Reform Rabbis I have Admired," by Rabbi Ovadia Yossef.
3. "Illegal Narcotics that Progressive Jews should Avoid," by the Editors of Tikkun Magazine.
4. "Torah Laws and Traditions we Practice," by the Reconstructionist movement .
5. "Koshers Foods I Enjoy," by Shulamit Aloni.
6. "My Beauty Secrets," by Yael Dayan.
7. "Books I have Read," by David Levy.
8. "List of Ways the Likud Differs from the Labor Party," by Benjamin Netanyahu.
9. "Conflict Resolution through Meditation," by Ofer Nimrodi.
10. "Arab Terrorists I Have Condemned," by Avigdor Feldman and Uri Avneri.
11. "Checks and Balances Needed for the Courts of Israel," by Chief Justice Aharon Barak.
12. "The Secrets of My Charisma," by Ofer Pines.
13. "Lessons I have Learned in Housing Finance," by Arie Deri.
14. "My System of Losing Pounds," by Tommy Lapid.
15. "Where Syria and I will be in Ten Years," by Bashar Assad.
16. "Our Plans for Becoming Independent," by Lebanon's Prime Minister and President.
17. "Reasons why Ehud Barak Can be Taken at His Word," by the Southern Lebanese Army.
18. "Things that would Make me Walk Away from Negotiations with the PLO and Syria," by Ehud Barak.
19. "My Insights into Life," by Dalia Itzik.
20. "My Understanding of Free Speech and Democracy," by Shlomo Ben-Ami.
21. "Men about Whom I have Fantasies," by Yuli Tamir.
22. "Ways to Get Contractors to Obey the Law," by Amram Mitzna.
23. "Violations by the Arabs on the Temple Mount that Would Get us Upset," by the Rabbis for Human Rights.
24. "The List of Non-Leftists who Work for Us," by the Israel Broadcasting Authority.
25. "Taxes I have Cut," by Avraham Beiga Shohat.
26. "Thoughts I have Had," by David Levy.
27. "Symbols of Zionism We Should Preserve," by Yossi Beilin.
28. "The Essence of Patriotism," by Yossi Sarid.
29. "My Favorite Hair Styles," by Yossi Sarid.
30. "Things about Shulamit Aloni I like," by Yossi Sarid.
31. "Conspiracy Theories I have Rejected," by Barry Chamish.
32. "New Arms Israel Should Be Allowed to Buy," by Jerome Siegel.
33. "Israeli Vital Interests that Need to be Guarded," by Sandy Berger and Madge Albright.
34. "My Secret Love Life with Hillary," by Bill Clinton.
35. "My Secret Sex Life with the Chairman," by Suha Arafat.
36. "Our List of Pro-Israel Columns over the Years," by the Los Angeles Times.
37. "Our List of Pro-Israel Columns over the Years," by Haaretz.
38. "How Palestine is more Democratic than Mugabe's Zimbabwe," by Yassi Arafat.
39. "Liberal Causes I Have Opposed," by Leonard Fein.
40. "Jews I Admire," by Pat Buchanan.
41. "Jews I Admire besides Noam Chomsky," by Edward Said.
42. "Middle East Historians I Admire and Cite," by Edward Said.
43. "Documented Facts in my Autobiography," by Edward Said.
44. "Communist Atrocities I Have Condemned," by Noam Chomsky.
45. "Things I Like about the United States," by Noam Chomsky.
46. "Tips from my Dental Hygienist," by Yassir Arafat.
47. "Things I Remember about my Lobotomy," by Shimon Peres.
48. "Cases of Affirmative Action that Have Worked," by a Huge Team.
49. "List of Israeli Universities Not Dominated by Leftists," by a Small Team.
50. "Our Plans for Commemorating Israel's Next Jubilee Year," by Hosni Mubarak.
51. "Treasonous Activities We Refuse to Fund," by the New Israel Fund.
52. "Errors I Admit to Having Made," by Yossi Beilin.
53. "People who Recognize Me as a Rabbi," by Michael Lerner.
54. "Violations of Oslo by the PLO we have Condemned," by the publishers of Haaretz.
55. "Arab Nazis I have Prosecuted for Calling for Violence," by Attorney General Elyakim Rubinstein.
56. "My Life as a Trappist Monk Living in Silence," by Tommy Lapid.
Subject: You Might be a Rabbi If.
1) Ten people ask you the same question and you give 11 different answers.
2) You spend more time with your chevrusa than you do with your wife.
3) You mumble words of Mishnayos while you are sleeping.
4) Your wife gets pregnant twice in the same year.
5) You've spent the majority of your life eating Yeshiva food.
6) You shuckle profusely while driving your car.
7) You spend more time in the bathroom across from the Beis Medrash than you do than you do in your own house.
8) You drive a 1985 brownish tan station wagon.
9) Gavaltik and Gashmak are part of your everyday vocabulary.
10) You have 11 children and they are all under the age of Bar Mitzvah.
11) Your entire beard is grey, but the rest of your hair isn't.
12) You stroke your beard whenever someone asks you a question.
13) You're always holding a sefer and you wear BIG GOOFY glasses.
14) You start shvitzing half way through Shmonei Esrei.
15) You own 20 dress shirts, but they are all button down white.
16) You own ten suits, but it looks like you only have one set of clothing.
17) You never watch TV. unless it is a Yankees playoff game.
18) Every time someone asks you for advice you tell them to go to Israel.
19) You quote to your children from the Midrash every time they do something wrong.
20) You say bless you even when someone doesn't sneeze.
Subject: Released From The White House.
September 11, 2001 at 8:00am the President's World-Stat rings, Chairman Arafat is on the phone.
Arafat: Mr. President I would like to offer my condolences for the total destruction of the World Trade Center.
Bush: What are you talking about?
Arafat: I mean all the destruction and all the innocent civilians that are dead.
Bush: I really don't know what you are talking about.
There is dead silence and then.
Arafat: Oh @&*%**!! We are seven hours apart now, not six!! OOPS!
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A Fact to Ponder.
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