Subject: Challah.
Q: What can you do on a Friday night if you have forgotten to buy bread, rolls, challa, or matzah?
A: You can turn to the door and say "Bo'i Challa, Bo'i Challa."
Q: Then what do you say when the Challa arrives?
A: Shalom Ha Lechem (of course.)
Subject: The Beatles' Jewish Album.
Bet you didn't know the Beatles had a Jewish Album...
Can't Buy Me Guilt
Roll Over Maimonides
We Can Kvetch it Out
I Am the Bibi
Eleanor Rigby-Cohen
Lucy In The Shul With Derma
Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On
We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball
You Say It's Your Bar-Mitzva, It's My Bar Mitzvah Too
Can't Buy Me Kishka
This Goy
Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band
All You Need Is Lev
The Shul on the Hill
Your Mother Should Only Know
If I Kvell
Subject: The Right Question.
Sol and Mort are walking from religious service.
Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"
So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.
Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
Subject: The First Jewish Woman President.
The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish President, Susan Vineberg.
So the President-Elect calls up her mother a few weeks after election day. "So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom. I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. I don't know what on Earth I would wear."
"Oh Mom," replies Susan, "don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I want you to come."
So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Susan Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."
"Her brother's a doctor."
Subject: Circumcisions.
After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the large box of foreskin's he has collected over the years of attending circumcisions, he goes to a leather goods manufacturer and says to the man. "Can you do anything with these?"
The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks."
After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with an elegant wallet.
In total dismay, he says to the craftsman "After sixty years, and all Those foreskins, the best you can do is a wallet?"
The man replies "Don't worry, just stroke it a few times and it will Grow into a suitcase."
Subject: The Psychic.
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there? "The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Subject: Lying In Bed.
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good nights sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not," he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead." Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Subject: Dying.
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
Subject: Montefiore.
Moses Montefiore, the great nineteenth-century philanthropist, once found himself seated next to an anti-Semitic nobleman at a dinner party.
"I have just returned from Japan," the nobleman was saying, "and it's a most unusual country. Did you know that it has neither pigs nor Jews?"
"In that case," Montefiore replied, "you and I should both go there, and so it will have a sample of each."
Subject: Morris The Bizzy Body.
All evening long four card players had been pestered by Morris, a self-proclaimed genius who commented on everyone's poker hand and style of play. When Morris went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him.
"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."
The busybody Morris returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself.
"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."
"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you two dollars."
The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you five dollars."
Morris shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. "You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"
Subject: Culinary Commentary.
President Kennedy had sent one Dr. Louis Finkelstein, an Orthodox rabbi, as a U.S. delegate at the coronation of Pope Paul VI.
On his way to Rome, Rabbi Finkelstein stopped in Paris. While there, some of the Parisian rabbis took him only to kosher restaurants.
Dr. Finkelstein said to some of his friends, "I can't understand all this fuss people make about great French cooking. We have the same things in Brooklyn!"
Subject: Rubin da Painter.
Chaim Potok, the best selling author and an unlikely art connoisseur, telephoned his mother and told her that he had just bought a Rubens.
"Rubin? Rubin the delicatessen man?"
"No, Mama, Rubens is a painter," he explained kindly.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she said breathlessly. "Listen, Chaim, ask him how much he'll charge to paint the kitchen!"
Subject: The Holy Trinity.
On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jew who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.
After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God; and we don't believe in him!"
Subject: Chandelier.
Old Rabbi Wolfson had begged his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue.
Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down, sullen and hopeless in his ambition that the synagogue gets a needed chandelier.
Then the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time talkin' about?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, we ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it. And third, we got an organ and don't need more music, what we do need in the shul is more light!"
Subject: Miracles.
"Wow," Jake said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"
"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar. "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea. And its water is only about 1 foot deep. No miracle was involved."
"Oh," said Jake. Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"
Subject: Morris the Marketing Marvel.
Morris the shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door to the right, and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his left side, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
Morris was panicked, until he got a terrific idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.
Subject: Red Head.
After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
"Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"
"There you have it!" the doctor Cohen said confidently. "It's just rust."
Subject: Stock/Split.
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly Jewish woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split.
"Oy! Vat a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And, they've been together for so long too."
Subject: The Butcher And The Dog.
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.
He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.
The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - whap! - against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself - whap! - against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Subject: Origin of the Internet.
An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!" said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.. And that is how it all began.
It wasn't Al Gore after all.
Subject: Eulogy For Goldberg.
An old Jewish man, Mr. Goldberg, dies and his family is planning the funeral. The local rabbi, they discover, is on a trip to Israel. After many telephone calls, they manage to reach a rabbi from the next town; he agrees to officiate at the funeral the next day. After chanting the "Kaddish" and "El Molay Rachamim" the rabbi begins his eulogy.
"We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a respected citizen and honored member of the community," Suddenly, an old man jumps up and says, "What are you talking about, Rabbi? This man was a gonnif, a momzer, and would cheat his own grandmother for fifty cents!"
The rabbi decides to take another approach, "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend Mr. Goldberg, a patron of the synagogue and dedicated Talmudic scholar." Again the old man jumps up and says, "Are you meshuggeh, Rabbi? This man hasn't been in a shul since his bar mitzvah!"
Again, the rabbi begins his eulogy, "We are here to mourn the passing of our friend, Mr. Goldberg, a loving husband and dedicated father." Once again the old man jumps up and says, "Rabbi, you obviously didn't know Goldberg. He cheated on his wife whenever he could and he never had time to spend with his children!"
At this point, the rabbi is at a loss for words. Finally, he says, "My friends, have we not as Jews suffered from the insults and prejudices of our neighbors? Must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own people? Surely, there is someone in this congregation who knew Mr. Goldberg and can say something good and kind about his life."
After an entire minute of silence, the old man stands up again and says, "His brother was worse!"
Subject: Contraband.
An Australian journalist was stopped at a Syrian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of West Beirut.
The Syrian soldier said "Get out of the car and open the trunk!", to which the Australian replied "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill".
So the Syrian says "Do you take me for a FOOL?!", as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal.
"Now go and open the TRUNK!"
So the journalist reluctantly complies with the soldiers request, and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the Syrian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"
Subject: A Jewish Dog!
An old man had a dog - his only companion for nearly 15 years. Sadly, the dog died. The man was so attached to the dog, that he went to see his Rabbi and asked if he would arrange to say Kaddish for the dog.
The Rabbi said, "Mr. Bernbaum, you know we are an Orthodox congregation. Kaddish is for humans, not for animals." "However," added the Rabbi, "there's a new Reform congregation down the street. You go there and ask if they'll say Kaddish for the dog. They may just be meshuga enough to do this for you."
The old man thanked the Rabbi, and said, "By the way, do you suppose they'll also accept my $75,000 donation in memory of my little Moshe?"
"Hold it!" shouted the Rabbi. "You didn't tell me that your dog was Jewish!"
Subject: You Are What You Eat.
An old Jew lives in an apartment building in an otherwise Catholic neighborhood where all adhere to the restriction of eating only fish on Fridays. Every Friday afternoon, however, the Jew bakes chicken for his Shabbos meal.
The tantalizing aroma week after week is too much for his Catholic neighbors. They convince the local priest to deliver an ultimatum to the Jew: either he convert to Catholicism and eat only fish on Fridays, or he has to move. The Jew agrees to convert. Three times the priest sprinkles holy water on him declaring: "Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic."
The ex-Jew's first Friday night as a Catholic comes around - and the perfume of baking chicken wafts through the neighborhood. A neighborhood mob charges into the old man's apartment demanding,
"What's with the chicken? You're a Catholic now!"
He says, pointing to the roaster on the table, "That's no chicken; that's a fish."
"Who are you kidding!" they protest. "It's a chicken!"
The ex-Jew walks over to the sink, wets his hands, approaches the table and sprinkles the chicken three times, saying, "Born a chicken, raised a chicken, now a fish!"
Subject: Jewish Board of Directors.
Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg, were all close friends since childhood they decided they wanted to go into business together.
Schwartz says: "OK! I'll invest $100,000."
Cohen says he'll put in $200,000.
Ginsburg says: "I'll put in $50."
Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President of the corporation.
Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President, and Ginsburg, for your $50 you will be our Sexual Adviser."
Ginsburg says, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "If we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."
Subject: Being Jewish.
Q: What is a Jewish m ge-a-trois
A: Two headaches and an erection.
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman.
Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps with her husband on the same day.
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: Plaintiff.
Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A: Nothing at all.
Q: Define 'genius'
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
Q: What do you call someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A: A meshuggener.
Q: What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife's breast?
A: The tip of the iceberg.
Q: What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A: A Mercedes Benz 500SL convertible.
Jewish proverb: 'A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave.'
Subject: Son-In-Law.
Mr. Shwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?"
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm G-d."
Subject: Gefilte Fish.
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of the Lord's creatures.
This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So here goes:
Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum (observant) fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish.
Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands, of years.
For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides), when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time Gefilte fishing.
Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of the lake with some Matzo. Now this is very important!! It has to be Manischewitz Matzo or the fish will not be attracted.
You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say, "Here boy!" "Here boy!" The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzo. They come together to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.
You must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell." These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell."
Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychick!?'" I didn't have the heart to tell him that Boychick is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish --only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US.
With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all Gefiltefishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not acceptable.. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "Here boy!"
The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chumetz! Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming, and will not respond to the Matzo before the proper time.
I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy. Have you ever had the baby Gefilte Fish? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them!
Subject: The Rabbi.
A Rabbi arrived at a Shul to give a speech.
He sat and waited silently.
The congregation sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin.
The Rabbi continues to sit quietly.
Fed up waiting, the Shamus approaches the Rabbi.
'Rabbi, why are you waiting. Please start your speech.'
The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to him 'I left my false teeth at home'.
The Shamus takes the Rabbi's keys and runs to the Rabbi's house, returning shortly with the false teeth.
The Rabbi starts speaking. He talks and talks.
It is getting late, everyone wants him to finish.
They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking.
The Shamus approaches the Rabbi and asked politely, 'Rabbi, why do you talk so much?'
vThe Rabbi answered 'You brought my wife's teeth'.
Subject: Am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?
The age old question: "To be or not to be...?"
A young boy came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was Aboriginal.
So he asks, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.
So he waits until dad gets home from work and asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"
v"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the thing!"
Subject: Jewish Board of Directors.
Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg, were all close friends since childhood. They decided they wanted to go into business together.
Schwartz says: "OK! I'll invest $100,000." Cohen says that he'll put in $200,000. Ginsburg says: "Alright, I'll put in $50."
Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO, and Ginsburg, for your $50 you will be our Sexual Adviser."
vPuzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"
Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."
Subject: A Christian, a Jew and a Moslem.
Three fifth grade boys at a primary school are playing, "Measure the Wienie"; a Christian, a Jew, and a Moslem.
The Christian pulls his dick out and it's only 3 inches long. Not bad, (remember, this is the fifth grade).
The Jew pulls his Kosher sausage out and it, too, is 3 inches long.
Farook, the Moslem boy, draws his out from his shorts and it is 6 inches long!
His two schoolmates are impressed: "That has to be the biggest wienie in the whole school!"
Farook runs excitedly home and asks his father, "Abba, I have the largest penis in the fifth grade! Is it that Allah has blessed me because I am Moslem?"
His father sighs and says, "No, Farook, it is because you are 19 years old."
Subject: Smile.
Sadie had moved to the suburbs now, and she and her husband Abie had joined the new very elite Erasmus Country Club there.
Abie was somewhat embarrassed by Sadie whenever they would dine there, and one evening before they went out for dinner at the club, Abie decided to give his wife a bit of advice.
"Sadie," he said, "ven ve go to dee club, and dee vaiter asks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink. Please don't say "ah glass Manishevitz vine". "At a club like dis, you don't ask for Manishevitz vine."
"No?, Abie," she replied. "If not for Manishevitz so for vot should I esk?"
Abie answered: "You should esk for ah martini. Everybody drinks now martinis. So don't esk for Manishevitz. Please Sadie, say you vahnt ah martini. You'll like it. Okay?"
With that, Sadie agreed that she would no longer ask for Manishevitz wine, and the next time it would be martinis for Sadie.
That evening at the club, when the waiter approached their table to take their order for drinks, Sadie was well prepared. The meticulously attired waiter asked: "Ma'am, may I bring you a cocktail?"
Sadie was ready and proudly announced, "Yes, I'll have ah martini."
"Dry?" questioned the waiter.
v"No," replied Sadie. "Tzvay iz genoog!"
Subject: At a Jewish Burial Society.
At the Jewish Burial Society two Jewish gentlemen were working at the society, when a corpse was sent to them to be prepared for the burial.
One of them, looking at the dead man 's penis, asks: NU, YOSSL HOST DU SHOIN GEZEIN AZANE?
(Yossl, have you ever seen one like this?)
Yoss l says: AVREIMALE, ICH HOB DEM ZELBE.
(Avi, I've got one just like it)
Astonished, Avreimale asks: AZOY GROISS?
(as big as this one?)
Yossl answers: NEIN, AZOY TOIT!
(no, as dead as this one!)
Subject: Shabbos.
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter; can I get you anything?"
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for - why should you pay extra."
The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen". "Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head affirmatively.
A little suspicious, the conductor asked "would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?"
The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on shabbos?"
Subject: Words of Wisdom.
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. Yiddish Proverb
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. Yiddish proverb
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. Yiddish Proverb
One old friend is better than two new ones. Yiddish Proverb
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb
Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor. Jewish Proverb
A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb
"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat.
Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. Golda Meir
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Albert Einstein
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. Albert Einstein
When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits." Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein
The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. Albert Einstein
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Yiddish proverb
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton.
Not everything that counts can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts. Albert Einstein
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein
Subject: Spitzer.
It was announced today that Eliot Spitzer's membership in his synagogue has been revoked by his rabbi.
The rabbi explained that, while he was able to overlook Spitzer's personal indiscretions and betrayal of the public trust, it was impossible to forgive Spitzer for paying retail.
Subject: Kosher Candy.
A Jewish man was in a supermarket in Thornhill, Ontario. He saw a black woman trying to get her young child to put down a candy bar he had picked off the shelf.
'Latrell, you put that down! It's not kosher!'
Intrigued, the young man decided to investigate.
'Excuse me, ma'am, are you Jewish?'
'No.'
'So, why did you say that?'
'Why? I'll tell you why. Cuz I see all them Jewish mothers saying that to their kids and it works, so I decided to try it.'
Subject: Gebbrokts?
A man asks his friend How do you feed your fish on Pesach - seeing that their usual food is Chometz?
Simple, says the friend. I grind up some Matzah and throw it into the fish tank.
The man asks: but thats "GEBROKTS!"
His friend replies: "No worries about that. Theyre LitFISH."
Subject: Complaining.
A Russian Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel. The local commissar calls him in for questioning and asks:
Q. Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in your Synagogue?
A. Can't complain.
Q. Haven't we let you live in peace with your fellow Jews?
A. Can't complain.
Q. Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within and beyond the village?
A. Can't complain.
Q. Haven't we allowed you to teach your children Torah?
A. Can't complain.
Q. Haven't we let you practice your profession?
A. Can't complain.
Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel?
He replies, "There I can complain!"
Subject: Two Children.
Two five year old children, one Jewish and the other Catholic, are playing in the sandbox.
Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more than your rabbi!"
David replies, "Of course he does. You guys tell him everything!"
Subject: A Jewish farmer.
A Jewish farmer, walking through his hay field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.
The farmer shouts, 'Trink nicht die wasser. Die ki haben gesheissen dorten.'
(Which means 'Don't drink the water, the cows shits in it'.)
The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English.'
The Jewish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'
Subject: You know you're Sephardi when:
1. You are related to everyone you know but you're not exactly sure how
2. You call your dad's good friends `uncle'
3. You try to haggle in department stores
4. At your Bar/Bat mitzvah loads of people you don't know came and lectured you on how cute you were as a baby
5. At family gatherings you hear the word "Mashallah" at least 50 times
6. You had a moustache at the age of 10
7. You speak 5 Languages, but you are fluent in none
8. In your home, you have more carpets than rooms
9. You drink arak as if it was water
10. You've never heard of tax
11. You kiss on both cheeks
12. You have more hair on your legs than on your head. (men only. I swear...)
13. You have one joker of an uncle who has literally the funniest stories to tell
14. He has either been married several times or has a model wife
15. You have a don in your family. An elder that everyone respects and no-one argues with.
16. Most family gatherings descend into fierce arguments about the Middle-East
17. Your dad is in some way, shape or form an mental/crazy/extreme
18. If you don't finish the food on your plate your mum gets offended
19. If you finish what is on your plate, you are given twice the amount you started with
20. You get stopped at security for "random checks"
21. After family gatherings your cheeks hurt from being pinched so much
22. You laugh at people who get fake tans
23. Your mum screams at you until you come down to dinner
24. You click and clap weirdly (variations include the "double handed two fingers in the air click")
25. Your family reminisces about how life was `back home' but when asked if they want to go back reply "Are you out of your mind!!??"
26. You know how to "kililililili!" (girls only I'm afraid)
27. You smoke shisha better than anyone else
28. Even sneezing makes you sweat
29. You go skitz when people call you arab. You're NOT.
30. You have strange medical theories and customs such as eating red onion when you catch a cold.
31. You love the sun, sea and sand.
32. You have a death warrant meaning that even if you wanted to you couldn't go back to your country.
33. You are the master at changing the subject when people ask you where you're from.
34. You're parties always include the standard Arabic tunes
35. You tell no-one but they're also on your ipod
36. People confuse your synagogue with a mosque
37. You eat Shawarma, Rice and Hoummus on a regular basis
38. You have strange curses and insults like: "May G-d strangle you" and "May your head be buried in the sand"
39. You know that if you are gay, you WILL be disowned
40. You wear a half buttoned white shirt with hair sticking out
41. You have to teach your parents how to read a text
42. You have more cousins than people in your school.
43. You have had a slipper thrown at you by your mum at least once in your life
44. Your dad is ALWAYS right. Or else...
45. You have a normal first name but most people can't pronounce your surname.
46. You go through more hair gel than water in one day
47. When you were a kid you spoke with a some sort of a strange accent
48. You play the bongos
49. Half of your family have the same name. They have all been named after a great grandfather.
50. You've grown every goatee possible.
Subject: Business is Business.
Abie and Sadie had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the lower east side of NYC. The neighbourhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Hispanics were moving in.
"Abie, we have to move to Westchester," said Sadie.
"We can't", said Abie. "This neighbourhood is our life. We've been here for thirty-three years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too."
Sadie says, "What? Catholic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? We're Jews. No Catholic articles!!!"
Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Sadie agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to Abie, "OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue."
Abie: "Hello, Catholic Supply House on Park Avenue? This is Abie And Sadie's on Delancey Street. I want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call them, rosaries? 500 crucifixes... and I need those things here tomorrow."
"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But, tomorrow we don't deliver... ...it's Shabbos."
Subject: Rabbi's Hawaiian Vacation.
A suburban Jewish congregation honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman in the bed.
She greets the Rabbi, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the President of the Temple arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
Subject: Andromeda.
A man is walking down the street in Boca Raton, Florida, when a beautiful woman appears out of nowhere, right in front of him. She is completely nude and has green skin. Stunned, the man starts to speak to her. 'Excuse me, but you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?'
'Oh,' says the woman, 'I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'outer space.'
'Andromeda?' says the man, 'Wow! Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like you?'
'Yes,' replies the woman, 'everyone is green on Andromeda.'
The man continues to stare and speak. 'Excuse me for asking, but I can't help noticing that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot?'
'Yes, they do,' replies the woman.
'Please, may I ask you one more question?' The woman nods.
'I also can't help noticing that on each of your hands you have seven fingers, and on each finger is a very large diamond. Here on Earth, diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all Andromedan women have large diamonds on their fingers?'
'Well, no,' the woman answers, 'not the shiksas.'
Subject: Bar Mitzvah Invitation.
It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension, that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son
Jacob Adam
is called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.
Saturday, May 12th - (yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880
at the ungodly hour of 9 am
even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20am to catch the real action.
If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the kiddush (its just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which starts at 7 PM, (not 8 PM.. or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, fake bling and brand new white ankle socks as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees, most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling, and most "tootsed" to the nines. At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending, or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show. Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number.
"Off the top of your head" gifts & Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.
Hope you can make it!
Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional Theme: 007 James Bond
BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength.
Subject: Jewish Eskimos?
I was speaking with an Anthropologist, who was studying the Inuit (Eskimos).
He is a Methodist, unfamiliar with Jewish customs.
He told me of a group of Inuit who mourn the death of relatives by sitting on small blocks of ice for a week after burial.
When I asked him what they call this custom of sitting on a block of ice, he replied: "I think they call it sitting shiver."
Subject: The Mezuzah.
Opening his front door, the Rabbi found himself face to face with the local priest.
"Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest.
"Of course, Father," replied the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we are plagued by thieves.
Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as much."
"Father, you are correct."
"Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest.
"Look at this little box here on the side of my door post" said the rabbi.
"It's called a mezuzah. We believe that when we attach a mezuzah to the entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects both us and our property."
"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!"
Not wishing to engage the priest in a lengthy inter-religious debate, the rabbi reluctantly gave the priest a mezuzah.
Two weeks later the rabbi was awakened by the sound of a violent pounding on his door.
Dressing hastily, he made his way down the stairs.
"Who's there?" asked the rabbi.
"Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side.
Leaving the door on the latch, the rabbi opened the door wide enough to see the priest, totally distraught.
"What happened?" asked the terrified rabbi, "Robbers?"
"No, even worse!" screamed the priest, "Schnorrers!"
Subject: The Rabbi's Cough Drops.
It's bitterly cold outside the shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that's disturbing his sermon, so after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem.
Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in shul for his next sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any shul member who begins coughing.
So next shabbes, during the rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this; the member immediately gets up and walks out of the shul.
At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks, "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the shul?"
Hyman replies, "So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said far cough'."
Subject: A Fable.
Hamas gathers 4,000 of their finest warriors at Israel's border. As they near the battlefield, there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, curly haired, man stands, staring at the Arab army defiantly.
'Go to hell, you Arab mumzers!' yells the small Israeli guy on the hill. 'Come over here, you uncivilized vermin, and I'll tear you all apart!'
Ali bin Abdullah turns to his commander, 'Send 20 men to deal with that little infidel Jew', he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Israeli.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Israeli appears again..
'You suicidal schmucks!' he yells. 'Come on the rest of you!! Come on, I'll slaughter you all!'
Ali Bin Abdullah is getting angry. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little son of a pig!' The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the little Israeli appears at the top of the hill once more, his shirt torn to shreds, his arms and legs bruised and bloody.
'You camel dung!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, desert drek!!'
Abdullah loses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later, the little Israeli is back. His clothing is all torn; his face and body are covered in blood, sweat, sand and dirt.
'Is that the best you can do??? You fight like little girls! Come on!! Come and give me a battle, you filthy goat rapists!!!' he yells.
Abdullah turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!', he screams. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
Ten minutes later, one of the Arab militants appears back at the top of the hill. He's near death, covered in blood and his battered face is unrecognizable. 'Oh, exalted leader,' he yells.. 'It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!
Subject: Sitting Together.
A reform Rabbi was having an argument with an orthodox rabbi. He asked him, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?"
The orthodox Rabbi replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give sermons and I can't have them sleeping together."
Subject: Viagra.
What bracha (Hebrew prayer) does one say before taking the Viagra pill? There is a choice of 3 blessings:
1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - bless you G-d for straightening those who are bent
2. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim -- bless you G-d for raising the dead.
Subject: Is it Okay to Take Viagra on Shabbat?
ne Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
But another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath, it is permissible. But it is banned during Passover along with all other agents causing things to rise.
Subject: Something to Make you Smile.
English as she is spoke (in America)
There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.
To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and mamzerim that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in American culture. To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to platz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!
These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshuggah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.
Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuches!
Subject: Shabbos.
Moshe and Miriam, a young orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Miriam's water broke on Shabbos, and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital's maternity ward.
Because Moshe wanted to try and minimize the Shabbos violation, he told the dispatcher that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Moshe and Miriam were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"
Subject: Good Golf Wife.
What a good and understanding wife!
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, 'Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'
Martha replied, 'Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.'
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, 'I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''
Martha said, 'The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?'
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?'
Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'
'I recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.'
'All right,' Martha said. 'So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?'
Subject: The Golf Genie.
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and se e how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweet heart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'NO SHIT.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
Subject: The English Butler.
An English Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.
They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."
Subject: The Blue Pigeon.
The mayor of Haifa was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Haifa. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Haifa was full of pigeon poop; the people of Haifa could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue sky.
All the pigeons in Haifa saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Haifa pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid Haifa of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?
Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?
Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?
Nooooooo!
The mayor asked: 'Do you have a blue Arab?'
Subject: New Year.
Two kids talking on a playground.
- How come you weren't in school yesterday?
- Because I'm Jewish.
- So?
- It was Rosh Hashanah.
- What's that?
- New Year's.
- But it's only September 30.
- Well, that's when it came out this year.
- This year?
- Yeah, it's different every year.
- Why?
- I'm not sure.
- Geez...
- But this year it was a lot later than it was last year.
- Really?
- Yeah, last year the second day of Rosh Hashanah fell on..
- Whoa, whoa, whoa -- the second day? Your New Year's is two days? - Yes.
- Why?
- I'm not sure.
- Geez...
- But the other night when the holiday started...
- At midnight...
- At 7:38.
- 7:38?
- Yes. Jewish holidays begin when the sun goes down.
- Why?
- I'm not sure ..
- Geez...
- But as soon as the sun set, our New Year immediately kicked in.
- So it's already 2010 for you?
- No.
- But you just said..
- It's 5770.
- 5770?
- Yeah.
- Where'd that number come from?
- The way I understand it, we were here for close to 4,000 years before you guys came along.
- Really?
- Yep - and that's when you started counting.
- And you didn't start over from zero?
- No reason to. We were on a roll so we just kept going.
- Makes sense.
- Thank you.
- So what do you do on December 31st?
- Celebrate New Year's Eve.
- But you just had two New Year's Eves...
- That's the beauty of Judaism. You get three New Year's Eves, eight days of Hanukah, plus a Christmas vacation even though it's not our holiday.
- Hardly seems fair to the rest of us.
- Hey, that's why we're called the Chosen People.
Subject: A Ghet.
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says, Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris? (Circumcision)
She replies, Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!
Subject: Jewish Parrots.
A lady goes to her Rabbi one day and tells him, "Rabbi I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the Rabbi inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the Rabbi exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Torah."
"Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Isaac and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the Rabbi's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, wearing yomikis and had a Torah. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the Torah away, Isaac, our prayers have been answered!"
Subject: Marriage.
There was a New York Rabbi.
His son got a job transfer to Louisiana.
Two weeks later, the son called the father: Dad, I met a girl and we're gonna get married.
Dad: Son, you know what they say about those Southern Belles. They can't cook, they can't clean house, don't make love, and she's gonna call you Jew Boy for the rest of your life.
Son: I don't care. I love her and I'm going to marry her.
Two weeks later, the son called the father again,
Son: Dad, I married her!
Dad: What about all the things I warned you about?
Son : Dad, she cooks like a dream, she keeps the house spic-&-span and loves sex.
Dad: What about the last thing?
Son: We came to an understanding... She doesn't call me Jew Boy, and I don't call her Schvartza.
Subject: If Famous Characters Throughout Time had Jewish Mothers.
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?'
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write...'
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?'
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!'
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?'
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!'
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!'
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!'
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?'
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
'Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?'
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
'It would have killed you to become a doctor?'
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.
Subject: Israel.
Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss you and flip you the bird will immediately pull over and offer you all forms of help if you look like you need it.
Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers and taxi drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.
Israel is the only country in the world where no one cares what rules say when an important goal can be achieved by bending them.
Israel is the only country in the world where reservists are bossed around and commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their own children.
Israel is the only country in the world where "small talk" consists of loud, angry debate over politics and religion.
Israel is one of the few places in the world where the sun sets into the Mediterranean Sea.
Israel is the only country in the world where one is unlikely to be able to dig a cellar without hitting ancient archeological artifacts.
Israel is the only country in the world where the leading writers in the country take buses.
Israel is the only country in the world where the "black folks" walking around all wear yarmulkes.
Israel is the only country in the world that has a National Book Week, during which almost everyone attends a book fair and buys books.
Israel is the only country in the world where the ultra-Orthodox Jews beat up the police and not the other way around.
Israel is the only country in the world where inviting someone"out for a drink" means drinking cola, coffee or tea.
Israel is the only country in the world where bank robbers kiss the mezuzah as they leave with their loot.
Israel is one of the few countries in the world that truly likes and admires the United States.
Israel is the only country in the world that has the weather and landscape of California without the earthquakes.
Israel is the only country in the world where everyone on a flight gets to know one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they also get to know the pilot and all about his health or marital problems.
Israel is the only country in the world where no one has a foreign accent because everyone has a foreign accent.
Israel is the only country in the world where people cuss using dirty words in Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed them.
Israel is the only country in the world where patients visiting physicians end up giving the doctor advice.
Israel is the only country in the world where people call an attache case a "James Bond" and the "@" sign is called a "strudel".
Israel is the only country in the world where there is the most mysterious and mystical calm ambience in the streets on Yom Kippur, which cannot be explained unless you have experienced it.
Where people read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish.
Subject: IRS.
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out; the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well... we also deliver.'
Subject: What do you Want me to Wear?
Rhoda and Irwin, a retired couple living in Boca Raton, are getting ready to go out to dinner.
Rhoda says, 'Irwin, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?'
Irwin says, 'Do I care?'
A few minutes later Rhoda says, 'Irwin, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?'
Irwin says, 'Who cares?'
A few more minutes pass and Rhoda says, 'Irwin, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?'
Irwin says, 'Rhoda, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your tuchas, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special.
Subject: Sick.
Two immigrants meet on the street.
'How’s by you?' asks one.
'Could be worse. And you?'
'Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a fortune. In the past five months, I've spent over $10,000 on doctors and medicine.'
'Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for two years.'
Subject: Yiddish Proverbs.
A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal.
Don't judge a man by the words of his mother; listen to the comments of his neighbors.
If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks.
Ask about your neighbors, then buy the house.
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
When a thief kisses you, count your teeth.
Subject: Lottery.
Jacob is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He's now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million, and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story.
Jacob tells him, 'As I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Centre, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party.'
The journalist is surprised. 'But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that's happened to you and your family?'
Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, 'It's only fair. They gave me the winning numbers.'
Subject: Violin.
My cousin Murray runs a pawnshop, I asked him to appraise my grandfather's violin. 'Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid,' he explained.
'What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?' I asked.
'If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle.
Subject: A Flucky.
An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street.
He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
He returns home, and his wife says
"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" [Well, what did the doctor say?]
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know - he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety.
She tells her neighbours "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
Subject: Olympics.
Recently I was asked "if you could eliminate one race from the Olympics, which one would it be?"
Naturally I replied those #@I&*# Muslims!
Apparently most people said the 1500 meters.
Subject: The Guru.
Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. "I vont to go to India."
"Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's full of poor, dirty people."
"I vont to go to India."
"But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I vont to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending line of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.
"Dotz OK."... she says.
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that due to the long lines she can only say SEVEN words to the guru.
"Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon his eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holiest she is once again reminded:
"Remember, just SEVEN words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: ...
"Sheldon, I'm your mother. Come home...NOW!"
Subject: Jewish Burial Society.
At the Jewish Burial Society two Jewish gentlemen were working at the society, when a corpse was sent to them to be prepared for the burial.
One of them, looking at the dead man’s penis, asks: NU, YOSSL HOST DU SHOIN GEZEIN AZANE? (Yossl, have you ever seen one like this?)
Yossl says: AVREIMALE, ICH HOB DEM ZELBE. (Avi, I've got one just like it)
Astonished, Avreimale asks: AZOY GROISS? (As big as this one?)
Yossl answers: NEIN, AZOY TOIT! (No, as dead as this one!)
Subject: Things You Should Know About Being Jewish.
1. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may only be eaten in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Florida.
14. WASPs leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
19. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Mercedes and eating the "Early Bird Special" at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Subject: Two Ducks.
Two ducks were in a hotel room on their honeymoon.
"Did you remembered the condoms", asks the wife duck.
"No", he replies.
"Why don't you call room service and ask them to bring some to the room".
When the busboy arrives with the package he asks "should I put them on your bill?" He replies, "what do I look like, a pervert?!?!"
Subject: Irving.
Irving goes into a restaurant and orders potato latkes. When they come, he complains that they do not look good and he changes his order to blintzes. After he eats the blintzes, he stands up and starts to leave the restaurant.
"Wait a second," the manager shouts after him. "You have not paid for your blintzes."
"What are you talking about?" Irving says. "Those blintzes were an even exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them."
"Yes," says the manager, "but you did not pay for the latkes either."
"Why should I pay for them?" asks Irving. "I didn't eat them."
Subject: Jewish Holidays Are For People With Illnesses.
Purim is for alcoholics.
Pesach is for OCDs. (Obsessive Compulsive Disease)
Shavuos is for insomniacs
Lag B'omer is for pyromaniacs who weren't satisfied with Chanuka.
Tisha B'Av is for maniac depressives
Rosh Hashana is for people who obsess over dying.
Yom Kippur is for anorexics
Sukkos is for the homeless.
Simchas Torah is for those in their happier stages of bipolar.
Mi K'Amcha Yisroel.
... and people still wonder why the Jews invented psychology
Subject: Yinglish.
Hello, is this the Goldberg residence?
Yes, mit whom do you vish to speak?
Mrs Goldberg please?
Mrs Goyeldberg is shoppink in de supermarket...
Is Mr Goldberg there?
Dis time of de day? Mishter Goyeldberg is voikink
Is Thelma at home?
In de school is Telma, very clever vun, tu tu tu...
How about Harry, is he there?
Herry, in colletch is Herry, he should be a dokter kaynahoreh...
I see, is this Mrs's Goldberg mother?
No, Poor Bubbi Goyeldberg is ollivasholom..
So, may I ask who I am talking to?
Dis is Daisy, de schvartze!
Subject: Jewish vs. Goyish.
Juries Are Goyish;
Judges Are Jewish
Using them is Goyish;
Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish
Ordering a la carte is Goyish;
Ordering family style is Jewish
Walking tours are Goyish;
Cruises are Jewish
Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish;
Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is Jewish
Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish;
Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish
Fruitcake is Goyish;
Fruit and cake is Jewish
Reading "how-to" books is Goyish;
Writing "how-to" books is Jewish
ESPN is Goyish;
PBS is Jewish
Tiffany's is Goyish;
Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish
Passing bars is Goyish;
Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish
DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish;
PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish
West Coast is Goyish;
East Coast is Jewish
Lunch meat is Goyish;
Deli is Jewish
White bread is Goyish;
Rye is Jewish
Chopsticks are Goyish;
Sushi is Jewish
Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish;
Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish
"Youngsters" are Goyish;
"Kids" are Jewish
Buttering bread is Goyish;
Spreading margarine is Jewish
Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish;
Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish
Beer is Goyish;
Wine is Jewish
I have just one thing to say about the Heineken can. Maybe beer is Goyish;
but Freddie Heineken, the founder of the Heineken Brewery in Amsterdam (a very Jewish city) was a Jewish man...just thought to tell you that...well, pointing this out is Jewish too I think...
Tattoos and piercing are Goyish;
Diamonds and pearls are Jewish
Ham sandwiches are Goyish;
Corned beef on rye is Jewish
White sox are Goyish;
No sox are Jewish
Saving Money is Goyish;
Investing money is Jewish
Snowmobiling is Goyish;
Skiing is Jewish
Doing Landscaping is Goyish;
Hiring a Landscaper is Jewish
Stick straight flat hair is Goyish;
Frizzy hair is Jewish
A party that revolves around the bar is Goyish;
A party that revolves around the buffet table is Jewish
Making lists of what's Jewish and what's not... is VERY Jewish!
Subject: Washing.
The following statement has just been released by the Vaas Ha Tznius:
The Vaad Ha Tznius has just issued the following guidelines regarding laundry. It has come to our attention that many families, including those who pride themselves on following all aspects of halacha, are regularly not conforming to proper Tznius guidelines. Unbelievably, many, many families are washing men's and women's clothing together at the same time in the same washing machine. This is an unprecedented breach of Tznius!!! How could anyone think that one is allowed to wash men's and women's undergarments at the same time in the same washing load?!!! What has our nation come to when people have fallen to such a low level? For shame!!! This practice must stop!!! Given this we are issuing the following guidelines regarding the doing of laundry.
1. Ideally each observant home should have two washing machines and two dryers - one washing machine and one dryer should be used exclusively for men's clothing and the other washing machine and dryer should be used exclusively for women's clothing.
2. In the event that a family cannot afford to have two washing machines and two dryers, the following rules should be adhered to. ... See More
a. Under no circumstances should men's clothes be in the same machine as women's clothing. They should, of course, also be dried separately.
b. After doing a load of men's clothing, one should run the washing machine through a complete cycle without any clothes in it. Then one may wash women's clothing in this machine. The same procedure should, of course, be followed after washing a load of women's clothing, namely, run a complete cycle without any clothes in the machine. Then one may wash men's clothing in the machine.
c. After drying a load of men's clothing the dryer should be allowed to cool off completely. After this, one may use the dryer for drying women's clothes. The same applies after drying a load of women's clothing before using the dryer for men's clothing. It is not enough to let the dryer cool below Yad So Ledas Bo. The dryer must be completely cooled off.
Our forefathers lived in a land that was between two rivers - the Tigris and the Euphrates. The reason is obvious to anyone who thinks into it a bit. One river was used to wash women's clothing and the other to wash men's clothing. Surely we can continue this tradition by observing the rules stated above. We are confident that everyone who takes Yahadus seriously will abide by the guidelines stated above.
With Torah greetings,
The Vaad Ha Tznius
Subject: Moishe.
For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen". Old Moishe was an honored guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter. He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff.
Abe, the owner loved Moishe too. One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time. Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived alone but then got busy and forgot about Moishe's absence. The next day, no Moishe. Now Abe was worried. He phoned Moishe's number and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night wondering what had happened. Next day again no Moishe! Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and 911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli" across the street.
Abe took off out the door and raced across the street narrowly missing getting hit be a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was sitting down. Abe screamed, "Where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and spent good money phoning around about you and what are you doing here at Goldberg's. You know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!"
Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly, "Settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack. I'll be telling you what happened okay." "I went to the dentist 3 days ago and had one of those root canals. Oy the pain! The dentist gave me some pills and said 'Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side.'"
Subject: Sign.
Sign in a store window.
'We would rather do business with 1000 al qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier!'
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown, Scotland.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
However, we are a society which holds freedom of speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
After all, it is only a sign.
You may say 'what kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'
Answer:
A funeral parlour.
(who said Ccottish undertakers have no sense of humour?)
Subject: The Bill.
Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition.
Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope.
The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.
A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi.
He was intrigued by this ritual, and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.
When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, His Holiness calls him back.
"My brother," the Pope whispers, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"
The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."
The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together; then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last."
The Chief Rabbi agrees.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opens it.
They both gasped with shock - It is a bill for the Last Supper from "Moshe the Caterer"
Subject: The Survivor.
Jacob is one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a concentration camp. He's now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million, and a journalist from the Times calls on him for a story.
Jacob tells him, "As I'm the only one in my family to have survived concentration camp, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Center, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating $1 from my pocket to the Nazi party." The journalist is surprised. "But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that's happened to you and your family?"
Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, '"It's only fair. They gave me the winning numbers."
Subject: The Tailor.
The poor Jewish tailor is beside himself with worry. His wife is very ill and he wants the best doctor in town to treat her. But the doctor is somewhat reluctant because the tailor is so poor and, it being unlikely that his wife could be saved, the tailor might not pay him should his wife die. However, the tailor promises he will pay anything, no matter whether the doctor cures his wife or kills her!
This is sufficient for the doctor and he agrees.
Unfortunately, the doctor cannot save her and the tailor's wife dies.
However, when the doctor's bill arrives the tailor refuses to pay it despite his promise. After much argument, the doctor and the tailor agree to let the Rabbi decide the case since they both are, after all, Jewish.
The doctor puts his case to the Rabbi that the tailor promised to pay "no matter whether the doctor cured his wife or killed her."
After much thought the Rabbi asks the doctor, "Did you cure her?"
"No," admitted the doctor.
"And did you kill her?" "I certainly did not," expostulated the doctor.
"In that case," said the Rabbi, "the tailor has no case to answer because you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that the fee should be paid."
Subject: Separate Seating.
Once a great Rosh Yeshiva (head of the Yeshiva) was sitting at a wedding with his wife when dessert came. His eyes opened wide and he took a huge slice of cake, then another.
His wife said "You shouldn't be having that."
And he said "that's it - separate seating at simchas".
Subject: Turning Seventy.
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy, your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Subject: Dad - Throw Me Out!
My daughter, Rivka, just walked into the living room and said,
"Abba, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, and take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop.
Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house".
Well she didn't actually put it like that.
She said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
Subject: Can Earth People Survive on Mars?
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: To determine whether there is oxygen on the planet. “Give me the box of matches,” says one.
"Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his seven arms. "No, no, don't!"
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, the astronaut takes up the match and prepares to strike it.
Suddenly, a crowd of hysterical Martians come, all waving their arms: "No, please no, don't do that! STOP! Please!"
One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for science, to know if humans can breathe on Mars." So, he strikes the match - which flames up, burns down, and... NOTHING HAPPENS!
So then he turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want us to not strike a match?"
The leader of the Martians steps forward and says, "Today is Shabbas!"
Subject: Vibrations.
Sixty year old Rivkah goes into her local sex shop. As soon as she enters, everyone there notices how unstable she is on her feet.
Very shakily, she wobbles the few feet across the shop to the counter, grabs it for support, and asks the assistant behind the counter,
"Dddoo youuu selll ddiilldoss?"
The assistant, trying not to laugh, replies, "Yes, we have many different types of dildo in stock."
"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, ttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?" asks Rivkah.
The assistant replies, "Yes we do."
"Maazzeltovvv. Ddddoo yyoouu kknnooww hhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ittt offffff?"
Subject: Wit of the Scots.
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.
But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
Subject: Jewish Zodiac.
For those who frequent Chinese restaurants and see the placemats showing the Chinese Zodiac (you know, the year of the rat, the year of the monkey, etc.) - well, here is the official Jewish equivalent. Now you can find out who you are.
The Year of:
CHICKEN SOUP - (1907, 1919, 1931, 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003) You're a healer, nourishing all whom you encounter. We feel better just being in your presence. Mothers want to bring you home to meet their children - resist this at all costs. Compatible with Bagel and Knish.
EGG CREAM - (1908, 1920, 1932, 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004) You've got a devious personality since you're made with neither eggs nor cream. Friends find your pranks refreshing; others think you're too frothy. Compatible with Blintz, who also has something to hide.
CHOPPED LIVER - (1909, 1921, 1933, 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005) People either love you or hate you, making you wonder "What am I, chopped liver?" But don't get a complex; you're always welcome at the holidays! Bagel's got your back.
BLINTZ - (1910, 1922, 1934, 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006) Creamy and dreamy, you're rightfully cautious to travel in pairs. You play it coy but word is that, with the right topping, you turnover morning, noon and night. Compatible with Schmear.
LATKE - (1911, 1923, 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007) Working-class with a grating exterior, you're a real softie on the inside. Kind of plain, naked, but when dressed up, you're a real dish. Compatible with Schmear's cousin, Sour Cream.
BAGEL - (1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008) You're pliable and always bounce back, although you feel something's missing in your center. If this persists, get some therapy. Compatible with Schmear and Lox...Latke and Knish, not so much.
PICKLE - (1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009) You're the perfect sidekick: friends love your salty wit and snappy banter, but you never overshadow them. That shows genuine seasoning from when you were a cucumber. Marry Pastrami later in life.
SCHMEAR - (1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010) You blend well with others but often spread yourself too thin. A smooth operator, you could use some spicing up now and then. Compatible with Bagel and Lox. Avoid Pastrami - wouldn't be kosher.
PASTRAMI - (1915, 1927, 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011) Brisket's hipper sibling, always smokin' and ready to party. You spice up life even if you keep your parents up at night. Compatible with Pickle, who's always by your side.
BLACK and WHITE ICE CREAM SODA - (1916, 1928, 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012) Kids love you, but make up your mind! Are you black or white? Cake or cookie? You say you're "New Age," all "Yin & Yang". We call it "bipolar." Sweetie, you're most compatible with yourself.
KNISH - (1917, 1929, 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013) Flaky on the surface, you're actually a person of depth and substance. Consider medical or law school, but don't get too wrapped up in yourself. Compatible with Pickle. Avoid Lox, who's out of your league.
LOX - (1918, 1930, 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014) Thin and rich, you're very high maintenance: all you want to do is bask in the heat, getting some color. Consider retiring to Boca. Compatible with Bagel and Schmear, although you top them both.
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Challah.
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