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| Add a link to HARRYS BLACK HOLE! and become a member of the FRIENDS OF HARRYS BLACK HOLE! - free! | |
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| JOKES - Just Blonde Jokes!!! |
- Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.- Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: Come.- Q: How does a blonde spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O- Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
A: She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.- Q: A blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.- Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.- Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.- Q: Why is a blonde like Australia?
A: They're both down under, and no one cares.- Q: Why does a blonde like the number 77?
A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more.- Q: Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A: They do not like their brains being screwed with.- Q: Why can't a blonde water ski?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.- Q: Why are blondes like pianos?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.- Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?- Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.- Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.- Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float- Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.- Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.- Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.- Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.- Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.- Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.- Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.- Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.- Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!- Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.- Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.- Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.- Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.- Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.- Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.- Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.- Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.- Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.- Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.- Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."- Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.- Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.- Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.- Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.- Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!- Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"- Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"- Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.- Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"- Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.- Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.- Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.- Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.- Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.- Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.- Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.- Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.- Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."- Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.- Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces them self.
A2: Walks home.- Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.- Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.- Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.- Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.- Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.- Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.- Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.- Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the (team name)?
A4: Who were all those guys?- Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.- Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.- Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?- Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*- Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!- Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.- Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"- Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.- Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.- Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.- Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"- Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.- Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "What's a light bulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"- Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"- Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.- Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.- Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They're doing research on black holes.- Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.- Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?- Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"- Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.- Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.- Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the ToothFairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.- Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.- Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.- Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.- Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.- Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!- Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!- Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.- Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.
A4: You don't eat your bowling ball- Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".- Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.- Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.- Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.- Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.- Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.- Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.- Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.- Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.- Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...- Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.- Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.- Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.- Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
A3: Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.- Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.- Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.- Q: What's the blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."- Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.- Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!- Q: Why do blondes find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!- Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.- Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."- Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.- Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.- Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.- Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"- Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.- Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.- Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.- Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.- Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a television.- Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.- Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.- Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".- Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."- Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.- Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.- Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.- Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"- Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.- Q: Why don't blondes breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!- Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.- Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.- Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.- Q: What's a blondes' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.- Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.- Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!- Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!- Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.- Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.- Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.- Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.- Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.- Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blonde electrician.- Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.- Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!- Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover.- Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.- Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them.- Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.- Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realised she gave her last blowjob.- Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?- Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.- Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"- Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.- Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.- Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.- Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.- Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.- Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.- Q: Why did the blonde try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.- Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.- Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.- Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."- Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.- Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"- Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.- Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!- Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.- Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.- Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.- Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech, varoom...screech.....?
A: A blonde trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light.- Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".- Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.- Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.- Q: What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".- Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.- Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.- Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.- Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.- Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.- Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.- Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.- Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!- Q: What is a blonde's favourite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!- Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!- Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.- Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.- Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.- Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.- Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ?
A: It finally dawned on her.- A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN REST ROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 REST ROOMS.- How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.- A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
- A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.- A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyser test!"- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.- A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.- Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.- Q:What about the blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
A:He wanted to know who the other man was...- There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.- This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"
- Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
- The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."- Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!- A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."- A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then she started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."- Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...
- A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"- A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"- A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
- Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
- ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"
- Q: How can you tell that a blonde's having a bad day.
A: She has a tampon tucked under her ear, and she can't find her pencil.- Q:Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A:The rest are hunt'n peckers.- Q:What do you call a blonde mother-in-law?
A:An air bag.- Q:Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A:It's too hard to re-train them.- Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.- Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.- Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.- Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.- Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.- Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."- Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.- Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.- Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.- Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.- Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)- Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!- Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.- Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phoney buck.- Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.- Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.- Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.- Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.- Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.- Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.- Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.- Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!- Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.- Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.- Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.- Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.- Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.- Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
A: Marry her.- Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.- Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.- Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.- Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.- Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.- Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.- Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.- Q: Why don't blondes like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.- Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.- Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.- Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!- Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.- Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.- Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.- Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.- Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.- Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.- Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.- Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.- Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.- Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.- Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.- Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!- Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.- Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.- Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'- Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,four bucks.- Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?- Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.- Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.- Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.- Q2: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.- Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.- Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.- Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.- Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".- Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.- Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.- Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.- Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.- Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.- Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.- Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.- Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...- Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.- Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.- Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.- Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?:
"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!- Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.- Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"- Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."- Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.- Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.- Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.- Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.- Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.- I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
- A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.- Did you hear about the blonde who:
1 had more on her body than on her mind?
2 was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3 took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4 got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5 was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
6 7 had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
8 thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
9 was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
10 after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
11 went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
12 brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
13 thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
14 thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whisky glass?
15 thought that intercourse was a state highway?- Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children.
The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back".
The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception".
The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"- There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....- Blondes...
They take a lickin', and keep on...
Lickin!- Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
- Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
- At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blonde woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes latter, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"
- This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees.
A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."- Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."- Another blonde in the porno shop:
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"- After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realises his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
- Blonde Medical Terminology
Anally -- occurring yearly
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coat hook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a tee pee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited- Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.- Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear.- Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.- Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.- Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!- Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.- Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)- Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.- Why does a blonds bra say T.G.I.F?
A: Tits go in first.- Q:Why do blondes have vaginas?
A:So guys will talk to them at parties.- Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.- Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH A RUNNY NOSE?
A: Full.- Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
A: (Flap hand, blowing air into ears)- Q: WHY DON'T BLONDES BREAST FEED THEIR BABIES?
A: It hurts too much when they boil their nipples.- Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
A: "No, I just lie there."- Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: "Thanks, guys..."- Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL 10 BLONDES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL?
A: AIR POCKETs.- Q:Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A:They're too hard to peel.- Q:What did Jimmy Swaggart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends?
A:Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.- Q:What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A:"Space. The final frontier......"- Q:How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A:Just One... Boomer Esiason.- Q:What's brown and red and black and blue?
A:A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.- Q:What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A:You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.- Q:Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A:So she could keep the refrigerator cold.- Q:How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A:She fell out of the tree.- Q:What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A:A thought.- Q:How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A:One.- Q:Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A:She didn't know what ONE came first...- Q:Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A1:Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.
A2:Their mothers told them not with their mouths full.- Q:What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A:Divorced.- Q:What do you call a blonde without an asshole?
A:Divorced.- A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"- Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.- Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!- Q: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
A: You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way.- Q: How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
A: Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.- Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"- Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes with yeast infections?
A: A wine and cheese party!- Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers licence ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!- (Visual Joke) Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
A: "How do you shift this thing?" (you make jacking off motions)- Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.- Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.- Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.- Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .- Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
Blonde: I don't know. Why?
Teller: It was easier to spell.
Blonde: Easier than what?- Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: She liked kids...- Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin- Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.- Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.- Q: Why do blondes occupy about 90% of the net bandwidth?
A: Because they keep accidentally deleting their copies of the Blonde Joke List.- Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.- Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"- Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.- Q: WHAT IS BLONDE AND GREEN AND JUMPS FROM BED TO BED?
A: A prostitoad.- Q: WHAT IS 68 TO A BLONDE?
A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.- Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.- Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.- Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.- Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!- Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.- Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.- Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.- Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.- Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.- Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!- Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.- Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!- Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.- Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.- Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.- Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.- Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
A: An IN-body experience!- Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.- Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.- Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump me Dump me.- Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.- Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.- Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.- Q1:How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.- Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.- Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.- Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.- Q: Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest?
A: She heard that it reduces cavities.- Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.- Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.- Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.- Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
A: The noise gave her a headache.- Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
A: From trying to blow out light bulbs.- Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.- Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.- Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.- Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.- Q: What's the definition of a metallurgist?
A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore.- Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poli-Grip.- Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a prostitute?
A: Prostitutes don't drive Ferrari's.- Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
A: Elvis has been sighted.- Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.- Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A light bulb?
A: The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.- Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A BITCH?
A: A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.- Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.- Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CORN FARMER WITH EPILEPSY AND A BLONDE WITH DIARRHEA?
A: One shucks between fits.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.- Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.- Q: What is a blonde's idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.- Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.- Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him?
A: "Funny, you don't feel Jewish."- Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.- Q: What did the really dumb blonde say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.- Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She says, "Next".
A2: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A3: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A4: I mean, who really cares?
A5: The batteries have run out.- Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.- Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
A: Hair transplants.- Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY WHEN SHE WOKE UP UNDER THE COW?
A: What are you guys still doing here?- Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.- Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.- Q: What did the blonde do when she heard the British were coming?
A: She stopped sucking.- Q: What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the delivery room?
A: I'm not going to suck anything *that* small.- Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.- 463.Q: What does a blonde say during a porno?
A: There I am!!- Q: How can you tell when a blonde is horny?
A: Stick your hand down her panties. If it feels like a horse eating oats, she's horny.- Q: What's the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde?
A: When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector.- Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A: A hundred dollar bill.- Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.- Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunder storm?
A: She loves having her picture taken (flashes, got it?).- Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!- Q: What happens when a blonde puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.- Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.- Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde that said she would do anything for a fur coat?
A: Well, now she can't button it.(prego)- Q: Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde?
A: She thought her period was French Provincial.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend say id he loved her?
A: She believed him.- Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a Masters degree in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.- Q: Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol's Hair Dye?
A: Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.- Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had an appendix operation?
A: Well, now she is making money on the side.- Q: Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the water?
A: She won't go DOWN ON THE DOC.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.- Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ALMOST CAUSED A WRECK?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.- Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE DOCTOR?
A: She shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.- Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ATE MOUNTAIN OYSTERS?
A: She was dragged 200 yards.- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.- Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HER EYES CLOSED?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.- Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL FOR BLONDES?
A: They take off their makeup.- Q: Why won't a blonde drink beer at the beach?
A: She's afraid to get sand in her Busch.- Q: Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
A: To keep their legs together.- Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.- Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found out she was embezzling.- Q: HOW MANY BLONDES DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
A: Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly.- Q: What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a blonde track team?
A: The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.- Q: What is the difference between a crazy fighting hockey player and a blonde?
A: He is fussy by nature and would go to any length to get a puck.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet.- Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A: Practice.- Q: What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?- Q: What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
A: They both go down easy.- Q: What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
A: They're both stuck up c*nts!- Q: Why do blondes have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !- Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.- Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ice cream cone?
A: Ice cream cones don't lick back.- Q: What do blondes and birth -pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.- Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A: A whine and cheese party!- Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Bobbing for Bimbos.- Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The two nuns of her head.- Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.- Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.- Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FRIDGE AND A FANNY?
A: A FRIDGE DOESN'T FART WHEN YOU TAKE THE MEAT OUT.- Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.- Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"- Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!- Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).- Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?
A: Ever-ready.- Q: What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, ....?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.- Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen head lamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.- Q: What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A: A vacant possession.- Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!- Q: Why did she finally pass her test?
A: She took the examiner with her- Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!- Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!- Q: What do a moped and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.- Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win- Q: Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
A: Who cares- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray- Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor- Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!
(Appendix: For those of you who are Brits, the A.C.T. is a College entrance examination. Highest score possible is 36. Average is about 18-20, I think.)- Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Are his flashers on?" said the brunette.
The blonde turned around again.
"Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....- Q: What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blonde electrician- Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg.
A: Nothing - they've never met.- Q: What is the difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket Trolley.
A: A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.- Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!- Q: What was the blonde surgeon's claim to fame?
A: The world's first haemorrhoid transplant.- Q: What did the South African blonde give her boyfriend?
A: Apart-head.- Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.- Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.- Q: What is the definition of "fuck off"?
A: The final round of an all blonde beauty contest.- Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.- Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.- Q: What is a blonde's only complaint about oral sex?
A: The lousy view.- Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.- Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.- Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur within 5 miles of home?
A: She moved 10 miles away.- Q: THERE WAS A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WHO WERE ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THEY BOTH JUMPED OFF A TALL BUILDING, AND A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER, THE BRUNETTE HIT THE PAVEMENT, BUT NOT THE BLONDE. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?
A: She got lost.- Q: A GUY ASKED HIS BLONDE WIFE, "HOW DID YOU GET THE CAR IN THE LIVING ROOM"?
A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."- Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A BLONDE BELIEVED IN SMOKING.
A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."- I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.- Two blondes are in a dark theatre:
BLONDE #1: "Hey, the guy next to me is jerking off!"
BLONDE #2: "Just ignore him."
BLONDE #1: "I can't. He's using my hand."- A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her, "Need a screw for those hinges?"
"No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?"- BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?"- Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an ice pack on her chest to keep the milk fresh?
- Did you hear about the blonde bride that was so horny she carried a bouquet of batteries?
- What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.- BLONDE #1: "It's embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
BLONDE #2: "Gee, what are you taking for it?"
BLONDE #1: "Snuff."- BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."- MALE SECRETARY: "Feel free to use my dictaphone."
NEW BLONDE EMPLOYEE: "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like everyone else."- A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"- Over the weekend I (can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a blonde telling this joke:
*Blonde Asks:What do you call a blonde in between two brunettes?
*Blonde Answers: An interpolator!
*We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The funny part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke.- DOCTOR (Taking up his stethoscope): "Big breaths."
ADOLESCENT BLONDE: "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen."- A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
- A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend sliding down the banister, naked. He blurts out, "What do you think you're doing!?"
"Just heating up dinner," she replies.- A man and his blonde girlfriend were fooling around when the blonde asked, "Would you mind taking off your ring? It's hurting me."
"Ring, nothing." he quipped, "That's my wristwatch."- A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologises, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"- Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp the said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said,
"I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.- Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realised I was too late.
- A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his torch and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms."- A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out of the crate.
- A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?"
"I want a weigh," she says.
Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for foods.
"What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
"I want a weigh," she says.
Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune.
After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?"
"I want a weigh," she says.
Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home.
As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
"Wousy," says the girl.- Another blonde sent a post card home:
"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"- Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third string at a car wash?
- How is a blonde like a.......
Hair dryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow.
Vacuum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck.
Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on.- There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"- "How come she got expelled from school?"
"She was caught cheating."
"How?"
"She was counting her breasts during a biology exam!"- Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets. With considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how this happened once in every 200,000 times.
The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time to do any housework!"- A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."- Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes
1) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.
2) Do you want to see something swell?
3) What do you like for breakfast?
4) Do you want to fuck or should I apologise?
5) Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
6) Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up.
7) Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
8) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
9) Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
10) You smell wet. Lets party!
11) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?
12) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew!
13) You have the ass of a great artist.- Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde
1) I just threw up!
2) You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.
3) Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in?
4) Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
5) I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good.
6) Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress!
7) Your face or mine?
8) Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?
9) I want to floss with your pubic hair.
10) I'd look good on you.
11) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet?
12) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here.- A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again.
"There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard".- What do you get when you place a television on top of a typewriter?
A blonde's version of a computer.- A blonde, brunette, and redhead were caught on enemy territory, and were put on trial. They were found guilty, and were sentenced to death by a firing squad.
The next day, the three women were lined up. The redhead was up first.
The leader yelled "READY... AIM........", but just then, the Redhead yelled "TORNADO" and when they all looked, she ran away.
Next was the brunette. The leader yelled "READY... AIM.....", but just then, she yelled "FLOOD" and when they all turned to look, she ran away.
Last, was the blonde. The leader yelled, "READY... AIM....." and the blonde, seeing the pattern, yelled "FIRE", and was shot.- Q:What do blondes say after sex?
A:Are you guys all on the same team?- There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breast stroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawl ed up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."- Did you hear about the blonde that liked her cordless phone so well, that she went out and bought one for each room of her house!
- Custom Fit!!
Harry noticed he was running low on condoms, so he stopped by the local drugstore. "What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.
"Size six." she told him after a moment "Now take it out. How many?"
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order "But I'm afraid I don't know my size." he told the sales girl.
So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir, now take it out please. How many?"
But Tom kept banging her until he came. "None thanks." he told her, zipping up his fly and grinning "I just came in for a fitting."- Is this the male version of a blonde joke?
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred lousy dollars!"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"- OK, so there's this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruising about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back.
Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.
The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, "Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!"
She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, "While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle!"- A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"- A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell headfirst to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
- A young blonde girl was anxious to go into a bar for the first time, and decided to try sneaking in before she was of legal age. When asked her age at the door she said she was 21. When asked for ID, she produced her drivers license showing she was only 20. She left the bar still wanting to go in more than anything. So she had a fake ID made showing her age as 21. The next day she returned to the bar, and the same guy was working at the door. She proudly produced her new ID and asked to go in. "Weren't you here yesterday trying to get in?" asked the bouncer. "No", replied the young blonde girl. "That was my twin sister. She's a year younger than me."
- One day about a month ago, Bill Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied,
"Two hundred dollars."
To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied,
"One hundred dollars."
He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes...... get my panties as low as my wages.......get that thing of yours as hard as the times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me warmer than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."- A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.
At the end of the first day the redhead had painted 3 miles the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles. The boss was so excited he told the blonde to keep it up and the job was hers.
The next day the red head painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde 4 miles. The boss told the blonde not to worry for she still have a good lead. On the third day the red head painted 6 miles the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.
The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well".
She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away".- On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York,and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
The captain went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to the blonde that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."- A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender, asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together..... the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"- A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow,
even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."- A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.- A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000km on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000km. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000km on it."- A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.- A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little hot just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
*****Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."- Three women escape from prison....one is a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They run for miles until they come upon an old barn; they decide to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climb up, they find three gunnysacks and decide to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy come into the barn. The sheriff tell his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.
When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it......and she went "Bow-wow" so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.
Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again , and the blonde said "Potatoes."- A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
No, from skipping."- Revenge of the Blondes
The only problem with women is men.
Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.
Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
What's the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?...A widower.
They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there?
What's an orgasm Mom? I don't know...ask your father.
If you catch a man...throw him back.
Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
What is the useless bit of skin of a penis?...A man- She Was Soooooooo Blonde....
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- she thought a quarterback was a refund
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
- she tried to drown a fish
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- she studied for a blood test
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
- she sold the car for gas money
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead- A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object.
She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The blonde says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos.
Her blonde boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?"
She said, "It's a thermos."
The boss then asks, "What does it do?"
She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, that's great." "What do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."- A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
B: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
P: "Uh ... How's that working?"
B. "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
P. "And why do you think that is?"
B. "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."- A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"
- A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000km on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine.
He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000km. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000km on it."- Blondes fight back
1. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch ?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
2. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette ?
Brown-bagging it.
3. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure ?
No one else wants it.
4. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.
5. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes ?
Invisible.
6. What is the difference between a brunette and garbage ?
Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
7. What's a brunette's mating call ?
" Has the blonde left yet ? "
8. What did the brunette say after having sex ?
" Are you guys all on the same team ? "
9. Why don't brunettes make good cattle ranchers ?
Because they can't keep their calves together.
10. What do you do if a brunette throws a grenade at you ?
Pull the pin and throw it back at her.
11. What goes screech-vroom, screech-vroom ?
That's a brunette driving through a flashing red light.
12. What's the difference between a brunette and a 747 jet ?
Some men have never been in a 747.
13. How does a brunette turn on the light after sex ?
She opens the car door.- How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
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A blonde with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."- Treats????
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"- The World's First Polish Blonde Joke?
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don't have any money... but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!" With that the man says, "Follow me!"
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"- These two blondes walk into a building.
You'd think one of them would have seen it.- A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"- Q.Why do blondes take a loaf of bread to the toilet with them?
A.To feed the toilet duck- What do you call a blonde that's upside down???
A brunette with bad Breath.- The blonde sat rigidly in the Dentist's chair.
"I hate having my teeth pulled", she exclaimed. "I'd rather have a baby."
"Make up your mind", said the Dentist, "So I can adjust the chair."- There was a blond, a brunette, and a redhead that were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First they called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said, "Well okay, thank you."
And told her that they would get back to her.
Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply she said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Also saying, "thank you" and that they would get back to her. Next the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question that they asked the brunette and the redhead. "What planet would you like to go to?"
She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "Why? don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night."- A blonde with a Computer
One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, a young blonde lady flagged me down and asked for help.
"My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?"
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face.
Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???"
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as could be)
"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"- Blonds think?
Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - *poof* - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - *poof*. The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - *poof*. The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." - - - *poof*.- The blond
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The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."- Alligator shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"- Coffee
A blonde was recently hired at the office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me three regular, one black, and two decaf."
Hear about the blonde that spent the morning going back and forth to her mailbox - her computer kept telling her she had mail.- A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"- A real ice cube alert.
One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying.
He said, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She said between sniffles, "I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."- A blonde and a lobster.
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.- A blonde and a compact.
Two Blondes, Carol and Cheryl, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second Blonde, Cheryl, said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact. Cheryl looked in the mirror and said, "You dumb shit, it's me!"- The blonde.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and our kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde stops him. "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"- Locked Car
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blond is faring.
The blond outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blond inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right!!"- Applause.
Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
The blondes applauded.- The blonde and the blizzard!
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprise when the snow plow stopped. The driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.- Top 10 Blond Inventions.
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag- A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
"I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."- National park
A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago.
The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.
The blonde exclaimed, "Wow. I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"
The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.
So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweat shirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."- A blond in California went to the soft drink dispenser, inserted a quarter and out came a Coke.
She put another quarter in and another Coke emerged.
This went on for several minutes and meanwhile the Cokes were piling up a queue was forming behind her.
The fellow behind her said "Lady, there are others here who also want a soft drink."
To this she answered "HELLOOOO!! Can't you see I'm on a winning streak?"- The Olive.
A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."- The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."- This young woman brought her child into Children's Hospital for a routine check-up. On the records, the nurse saw that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but wanting to know why this woman would name her child this, the nurse asked her how Urine got her name.
The woman explained, "Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in the special nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would make it. I couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they would pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named her.
There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine', so I knew that they had named my baby."- Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens the door.
One of the blondes leans inside and asks the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will it take ME?"- A blonde went into a bank to withdraw some money.
"Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk.
The blonde pulls a mirror out of her handbag, looks into it and says, "Yes, it's me and I'm alright."- Helicopter. A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"- Stolen.
"They've broken into my car and stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" cried the blonde to the 911 dispatcher.
"Stay calm, an officer is on the way." was the reply.
Before the police arrived at the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's phone rang a second time; the same blonde's voice giggled, "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."- A Simple Question.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."- The Blonde & the Fossils.
A blonde was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.
The blonde exclaimed, "Wow. I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"- Three Blondes.
Three blondes were all trying for the last available position on the California Hi-way Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be a cop, eh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a photograph, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to DETECT. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He only has one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of COURSE he only has one eye in this picture! It's a PROFILE of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
The blonde immediately shot back, "Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just said to the other lady? This is a PROFILE of the man's face! Of COURSE you can see only one ear!! You're excused, too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did YOU notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could tell that by looking at this picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly CAN'T WEAR GLASSES!"- The Bedroom.
A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom.
She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but he knew that her friend (also a blonde) next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."- In the Desert.
There's a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car suddenly stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it's not going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her, and the blonde takes the car door.
They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, "Well, we don't know how far we'll have to walk. When I get hungry I'll have at least a little something to eat."
They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the blonde turns to the brunette to ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, "Well duh!, this is the desert. In case I got thirsty I'll have something to drink." They all decide that's a good idea, too.
Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, "Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window."- I Hate Blonde Jokes.
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver."Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if i'm home." said the brunette.
The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the brunette looked at the blonde and said. "See that guy was really stupid."
"No kidding." Replies the blonde, "there was a pay phone just around the corner, you could have called instead!"- Windows.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me.
That in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back from him.
Guess I won that stupid argument!- Easter.
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.- Longer Dipstick.
A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"- An Overweight Blonde.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she's been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"- One blonde asks the other, "Which is further, London or the Moon?
The other replies: "Well HELLOOOOO.............., can you see London?????!!!!!!!!!"- $100.
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I have two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was shocked what he saw! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he asked, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money leftover - so now we're going to Sea World".- Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Marty, a contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau. If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. And, as he suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was,"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) The condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
He was on the spot. He did not know the answer. All that remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and he hoped against hope that he would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that he knew would be home happened to be his girlfriend, a blonde. But he had no alternative -- he called her and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy! The answer is C: The cuckoo."
Marty had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that his friend had given. And, considering that his friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, that he could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing his fingers and drawing in his breath, Marty said: "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, Marty hosted a party for his family and friends including the blonde who had helped him win the million dollars. He said, "Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you.
Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way ... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde, "everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests ... they live in clocks."- Two Blonde Builders.
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!"- The New Car.
A Blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet his friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her "What happened?"
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye these car designers, these people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"- Blonde Kidnapper.
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."- A Blonde Golfer.
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
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