Subject: Clintonees.
1 Clinton really has bad luck even besides all his female escapades. He was helping Monica with her computer and it went down on him too.
2 An official Gallop survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton 97% gave the reply, Never Again!
3 President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
4 Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"
5 Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almandine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
6 Q: Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? A: The nation.
7 Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
8 Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary." The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
9 One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"
10 "Hey Bill, I've got a perfect defense for your problem", says Vernon Jordan. "Oh yeah, what's that Vernon?", asks Bill. Vernon excitedly says, "Well you remember when you were being pressed about smoking pot and you told everyone that you didn't inhale?" Bill replied, "Yeah so what?" "Well you convinced everyone that you didn't actually smoke pot, so if we can convince Monica to say she didn't swallow...we've got a perfect defense".
11 There's a new game being played in Washington D.C... ...it's called swallow the leader.
12 What did Clinton say to Al Gore about the whole affair? "Pardon Me"
13 What's the difference between Nixon and Clinton? Deep Throat brought down Nixon, but Deep Throat WENT down on Clinton!
14 How can you tell which one of the White House interns is the head intern? She's the one with the dirty knees.
15 Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmark? He just bends over the pages!
16 Why doesn't Monica eat bananas? She can't find the zipper.
17 President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition, I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
18 Realization of from another White House intern... And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!
19 How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
20 "President Clinton, we really need to deal with this abortion bill." "Fine, I'll pay it!
21 Q: Why does Clinton wear boxer shorts? A: To keep his ankles warm...
22 Q: What's the difference between Clinton and The Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down in the Titanic
23 Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
24 Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
25 Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town.
26 Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
27 Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
28 Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? A: He wants to be on top.
29 Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? A: He married her.
30 President French-Fry was out jogging when a hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, five bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for five bucks!"
31 Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf? A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
32 Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
33 "One thing's for sure about Clinton... A: He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
34 Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
35 Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
36 Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? A: A dead girlfriend.
37 Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? A: To promote off-shore drilling.
38 Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? A: Swallow the leader
39 Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
40 Yesterday, President Clinton was interviewed by Jim Lehrer on his alleged affair with a Whitehouse intern and subsequent alleged subornation of her perjury. Clinton said, "I'm just trying to suppress my natural impulses and get back to work." Well put.
41 In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."
42 I'm watching Sky news live at 9pm in Israel, 22 January (2 pm EST). Mike McCurry, White House Spokesman, just told reporters that "The president really wants to be in a position to satisfy people with his performance." Isn't that the whole problem?
43 If President Clinton practiced safe, monogamous sex, he wouldn't be worried about aides.
44 It occurred to me that for a young woman, taking a job in the White House, these days, could be thought of as joining the "Piece Corps".
45 Let's see if I have this straight... people are upset with Clinton for allegedly doing to one person what George Bush and Ronald Reagan did to the entire country. Isn't envy a terrible thing?
46 While browsing the White House's web page looking for info about the latest scandal, I knew I had succeeded when I found the following header at the top of the page under the current press releases: "The White House at Work: Increasing Support for Family Planning" Ah, well I guess that's one way to put it...
47 Prosecutors have agreed to spare Ted Kaczynski's life, in exchange for his testimony of having had an affair with President Clinton.
48 Q: Did you see the latest news headline? A: Bush Defeats Clinton.
49 Q: Did you know that President Clinton no longer uses bookmarks when reading? A: He just bends over the pages.
50 Q: Did you overhear the advice that Yasser Arafat gave Bill Clinton? A: Sheep don't talk.
51 Q: What was Bill's best fringe benefit as government of Arkansas? A: He had flowers on the desk each day!
52 Most persons acquire AIDS from sex. Clinton gets his sex from aides.
53 The Oval office has been renamed... the Oral Office
54 Bill Clinton takes work to heart and does it all at the orifice.
55 Mrs Clinton confronted Monica saying that she heard that Monica was spreading rumours. The rumour was that Bill had a wart on the end of his penis. Monica denied this claiming that she had said that it only felt as if it was a wart.
56 There is real truth in the fact that one pubic hair has more pull than a span of oxen. Ask Bill Clinton.
Subject: Even more Clinton.
57 What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in twenty minutes.
58 Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.
59 Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.
60 Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper "Honk, if you haven't had sex with Bill Clinton"
61 What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky? "They told me she was the "head" intern!"
62 What's the recipe for Clinton stew? A small weenie in hot water.
63 What do Monica and Bill Clinton have most in common? They're both going down.
64 Bill Clinton is a life member of Weight Watchers He is thoroughly convinced that "Eating isn't cheating anymore".
65 Someone ask Clinton if he was going back to Arkansas after this is all over. He said he thought he would stay in DC and poke around for a while.
66 What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when offered a position at the the U.N? Would that, then, be a "missionary position?"
67 How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again!"
68 During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky" Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky"
69 Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks? He just bends over the pages!
70 Why does Bill drink so much coffee? He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his staff
71 Why did Bill get into this problem? He didn't know that harass was one word.
72 President Clinton, what do you want to do about this abortion bill? He replies, "I guess...pay it!"
73 Clinton Presidential Anthem -- Kneel to the Chief
74 Why is there no proof? She swallowed the evidence.
75 What was Bill's rationalization that oral sex is not a sexual encounter? Because Monica did not swallow!
76 Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had.
77 What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
78 How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".
79 Why didn't Monica swallow? Because that would be destruction of evidence.
80 Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate? Her dad is getting more dates than she is.
81 Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff? She didn't understand know what STAFF he really meant.
82 Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story? He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview.
83 What was the White House Chief of Staff's reaction to the Lewinsky story? Now I know why they kept calling Monica the "head" intern!
84 What's Hillary's new nickname for Bill's penis? "The Titanic" - because over 1500 interns went down on it.
85 What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline? Bush Beats Clinton
86 What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? Unibanger
87 What advice did Yasser Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting on January 22, 1998? "Bill....Goats don't talk!!"
88 What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common? They both heard a giant sucking sound!
89 President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition . I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"
90 What's the actual title of Hillary's book? "It Takes a Village . . . to Satisfy my Husband"
91 Realization of from another White House intern . . . And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!
92 Don't feel sorry for Monica... She'll be back "on her knees" in no time!
93 Why does Clinton think he's innocent? he didn't inhale the intern!
94 Bill wasted all that energy running for President. He thought they said the "Oral" Office
Subject: Too hard. President Clinton is walking on the beach and finds a brass lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me. You may make a wish."
"I would like lasting peace in the Middle East."
"Oooh, that's a really hard wish. Why don't you try another?"
"OK, I would like to get out of this Lewinsky mess."
"Gimmie those maps of the Middle East."
Subject: Hillary's Checkup. Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant.
She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.
Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the white house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!!!"
The President remained silent.
Again Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOUR ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!"
Finally Bill answered,
"Who is this???"
Subject: More... Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? A: He wants to be on top.
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyse Hillary from the waist down? A: He married her.
Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? A: It Takes A Village!
Q: When did Clinton realise Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? A: Swallow the leader.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White House.
Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole."
"And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's this Abortion Bill Mr President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. " Just go ahead and pay it" responds the President.
Subject: Boy Scouts & Bill Clinton. Three boy scouts (in uniform) were out fishing in a boat one day, when they heard cries for help. They went around a point only to see another fishing boat capsized and a man struggling to keep his head above water. Like true boys scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.
Lo and behold, the man turned out to be Bill Clinton. As he towelled himself off and caught his breath, he thanked the three scouts profusely and asked if there was anything he could do for each of them.
"Why, I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said. "No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"
"I'd sure love to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.
"We'll leave aboard her tonight," Bill replied.
"For me, I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third. "Well, I can sure arrange that," said Bill, "but you're pretty gosh-darned young to be worrying about that, now aren't you sport?"
"You don't know my Daddy," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"
Subject: THE WORLD's 20 SHORTEST BOOKS. 20. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
19. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
18. Human Rights Advances in China
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Al Gore: The Wild Years
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
2. The Amish Phone Directory
And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Subject: Disney To Open New "Lawyer Island" Orlando. Orlando - The Disney Company has unveiled plans to open a new resort for those in the law profession. The CEO of Disney said, "Considering that there are 3 lawyers for every person on the planet, we see this as an untapped market."
The resort, based on Johnston Island, is the former nuclear test site during the 1940's through the 1960's. The island, bought by Disney in 1990, was originally planned to be a stop on their new cruse line. But their hopes went up in a mushroom cloud when they discovered that the radiation on the island was so bad that only lower life forms could survive, opening up the idea of the resort for lawyers.
The resort, to open in July 1999, will offer much in the line of recreation. There are daily ambulance chases with cash prizes. Plus there are lectures on everything from "How to squeeze more out of OJ" to "How to get the most for your soul."
After Disney went public with their plans, many people started to think about whether to resume nuclear testing on the island. But others say that the testing would only make lawyers stronger, "Lawyers already can withstand the subarctic temperatures of their hearts. The last thing we need is for them to also be able to withstand 2 million degree temperatures," said one person. While others think that the intense heat and lethal radiation will help lawyers get used to the environment, which they will experience during there eternal damnation.
Bill Clinton, bucking to public pressure, has said that he will start nuclear testing as soon as the resort is done. "I was skeptical at first, but then I remembered that Hillary was a lawyer so I quickly was in favor."
Subject: Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is better than sex. 1.Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
2.If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
3.The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
4.You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
5.Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
6.40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
7.If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
8.Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
9.Less guilt the next morning.
10.If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
Subject: Dinner with God. Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.
During dinner he told them "I need three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth."
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them "I have two really bad news items for you:
1. God really exists and
2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them "I have Good news and Bad News:
1. God really does exist
2. The bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced "I have two fantastic announcements:
1. I am one of three most important people on earth and
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved."
Subject: Downloads. Rather than send everyone an attachment file of the games of,
-A program that generates insults! (205K)
-Aliens! (213K)
-Cat splat game! (554K)
-Clinton! (137K)
-Cupid! (193K)
-Bill! (193K)
-Killer bees! (341K)
-Life is! (202K)
they are ready at:
downloads.htm - check it out!
Subject: Parachutes. Clinton, Yeltsin, Netanyahu and Arafat are all on Air Force One, on their way to a Peace Conference in a neutral country. While in flight, the pilot announces an emergency, and instructs all passengers to grab a parachute and jump out of the plane immediately. Unfortunately, only three parachutes are available.
Yeltsin promptly declares, "I must return to Russia safe and sound, or the entire government will collapse." He then grabs one of the parachute bags and promptly jumps out the door.
Arafat then declares, "I am the leader of a suppressed people. I must return safe and sound, or our ambitions for statehood will collapse." He then grabs a bag and jumps out the door.
Clinton then looks at Netanyahu sadly and says "What are we going to do now? There are two of us remaining, and only one parachute."
"Not to worry," says Netanyahu, "Arafat just jumped out with my tallis bag."
Subject: Six of the World's Shortest Books. 6 OF THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS:
-+- Easy UNIX
-+- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
-+- Everything Men Know About Women
-+- Bill Clinton's Guide to Ethics
-+- How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
-+- Guide to Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson
-+- One Thousand Years Of German Humor
-+- Italian War Heroes
-+- Puerto Ricans I have Met While Yachting
-+- Prominent Turkish Women
Subject: Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates. Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates die in a plane crash and arrive at heaven's gates.
God says to Gore "What do you believe in?" Gore says "I believe in the environment. We need to save the earth for future generations. I worked hard to try to get others to follow this ideal."
God said "That's very noble of you, come sit on my left side".
God then said to Bill Clinton "What do you believe in?" Clinton answered "I believe in world peace. We need to create a future of kindness and sharing for future generations. I worked hard to try to get others to follow this ideal."
God said "That's very noble of you, come sit on my right side."
Then God said to Gates "And what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates answered "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
Subject: 3 wishes. A man is walking down the beach and sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie merges.
She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you SOB, I am going to grant only 1."
He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed."
She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorna Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
Subject: Wives. The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
Subject: Bill. Bill Clinton comes to Jerusalem where he goes to the Kotel.
He is surrounded by some friendly Hareidim who offer him a kippah which he accepts graciously. He is then given a Siddur (with English) and asked to say a few blessings. He is then requested to put a message into the Wall, all of which he does with respect.
Finally one of the hareidim, seeing how deferential he is, asks him if he wants to lay Tefillin.
"Sure", he replies," Where is she ? "
Subject: The Top 15 Movies Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story. 15. That Thing You Do
14. Lady and the Scamp
13. Look Who's Sweating Now
12. Phallus in Wonderland
11. 101 Depositions
10. All the President's Yen
9. Sex, Lies and Audiotape
8. Silence of the Ma'ams
7. The Lyin' King
6. Big Hair, Big City
5. As Wood As It Gets
4. Terns of Impeachment
3. Pants/Off
2. My Spare Lady
and the Number 1 Movie Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story...
1. Cleavage and Butt-Head Do America
Subject: A funny threesome. Three people, quite non-descript, you probably never heard of them before, were lost in the land of Oz, but they were off to see the Wizard.
So Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton asked Dan Quayle what he would ask for.
"A what-cha-ma-call-it" he replied.
"You mean a brain." said Newt.
"Good choice," said Bill.
"And what will you ask for" asked Dan to Newt.
"Well, many people have been telling me I need a heart, so I think I'll ask for a heart."
"Good choice," chimed in both Bill and Dan.
"And what do you want?" asked Newt and Dan to Bill.
"I've been thinking about it" said Bill.
"Anyone see Dorothy?"
Subject: Sadam. Sadam called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and all top of every building, there was a flag."
Clinton said:"Sadam, what was on the flag?"
Sadam said: "Allah is G-d, G-d is Allah".
Clinton said: "You know, Sadam, I'm really glad you called because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Bagdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war, it had been completely rebuilt.
And on every building there was a flag."
Sadam said: "Bill, what was on the flag?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know, I can't read Hebrew!"
Subject: Clinton. Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich get caught up in a twister and end up in Oz.
When the dust settles and they realize where they are, Quayle says, "I'm going to see the Wizard to ask for a brain".
Gingrich adds, "And I'm going to ask for a heart".
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy".
Subject: Parrot Joke. The Clintons took a break and went to Camp David for 10 days. While away, Janet Reno offered to care for the First Parrot named Polly Bird.
The pet parrot is not public knowledge because it has a fowl mouth.
(Yes, that pun was certainly intended). Janet got irked with it for making fun of her, and accidentally killed it in a fit of childish anger. Worried at what she had done, she went to buy another parrot.
She search all of the DC metro area for another parrot that looked like the first one. After two days, she finally found a dead ringer that wasn't dead. Unfortunately, the pet store owner ran a brothel upstairs and would let the parrot sit on the shoulder of the bouncer when he greeted his guests each night.
Undeterred (and facing a deadline) Janet paid a high price for the bird and returned to the White House.
When Chelsea got back from Camp David, she said "Hi Polly" to the bird. The bird said, "Too Young. Too Young."
Hillary came in and said, "Hello, Polly Bird" to the bird. It said, "Too old. Too old."
Bill walked in and said, "Hi, Bird." The bird said, "Hi, Bill."
Subject: Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has CRABS. He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs? After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.
She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from NIXON'S DISEASE. She says "WHAT?" He again responds "Nixon's Disease". She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?" He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly... you've got bugs in your oval office!!"
Subject: Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton arrives at the Kremlin to visit Boris Yeltsin.
Suddenly he sees 3 buttons on the wall.
He presses the first button and a pie flies across the room and hits him in the face. His hosts giggle.
He then presses the second button. A steal leg comes out of the wall and kicks him in the groin. The Russians start laughing like hell.
He then presses the third button and a bucket of water spills over him.
A few weeks later Boris Yeltsin comes to Washington to visit Bill Clinton.
Suddenly he sees 3 buttons on the wall. He presses the first one and nothing happens. He presses the second one - and still nothing happens.
He presses the third one - Nothing.
He turns around smiling and says "Wait till I tell my friends in Moscow about this"
Clinton smiles back and says "Moscow? What Moscow?"
Subject: CLINTON & THE POPE. President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven.
On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that? It's not that great
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late.
Subject: Clinton/Lewinsky. What's the new game they're playing in the White House?
Swallow the Leader.
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff"
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with
President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again"
What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.
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Clintonees.
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