Subject: The AOL car. 1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
Subject: SIGNS YOU MAY BE AN AOL, E-Mail, or Chat ADDICT. 1. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy.... for a year!!!! 2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control. 3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL." 4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. 6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs. 7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help. 9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out." 10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza. 11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. 12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing. 13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. 14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep. 15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. 16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy. 17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile. 18. "Where did the time go?" 19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on. 20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 21. .....You end your sentences with.....three or more periods....... 22. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support. 23. You think faster than the computer. 24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}and **kisses**. 25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you. 26. You're on the phone and say BRB. 27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
Subject: Diary of an AOL Newbie. July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it
is the best online service I can get. They even included a free
disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther
one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs
a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb
does he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes.
It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year
old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I can't get
online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But
he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so
smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter
then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about
communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put
two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need
one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose
to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone
sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it
out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online,
not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that
he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my
computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because
I'm connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital
letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type
capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT
WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I
GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT
KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I
TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST
HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER
SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT
IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS
JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER
SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE
TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW
SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS
RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.
HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO
USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST
TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it?
Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so
excited. I'm going to make lots of money.
I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could
find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a
few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face
of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about
something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked
and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. Hopefully someone will help. I
can't ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes
back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his
homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great
sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my
chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me
posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to
include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know
everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm
also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.
I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
Subject: 102 USES FOR AN AOL DISKETTE.
1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
5. Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case...the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Mini Frisbee.
18. Air hockey puck.
19. Dog chew toy.
20. Dart board.
21. Pooper scooper.
22. Grill scraper.
23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
24. Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
25. Conversation piece for coffee table.
26. Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
27. Light switch cover.
28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
29. Clay pigeons for target practice.
30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
33. Firewood.
34. Bird house.
35. Paper weights.
36. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
37. Post it-notes holder.
38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
40. Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon--actually works).
42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. (This spreads the force to a wider area.)
43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense.
45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
48. Hand them out as party favors.
49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe... who would want an AOL disk?)
50. Vertical blinds.
51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and dissect a diskette.
52. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
53. Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
54. The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
56. Brake shoes.
57. House insulation.
58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seattle (walk all over the competition)
60. Hockey Puck.
61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
62. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk...makes the perfect pet.
64. Poker chips.
65. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
66. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you've got a snappy executive bathroom Keychain for the office).
67. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
68. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
69. Grind them up to make fake snow.
70. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
71. Dental floss (use actual disk).
72. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
74. Use them to fill potholes.
75. Hood ornament.
76. Snow blower replacement blades.
77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
79. Rubik's cube case (make into box).
80. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
82. Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties).
83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who piss you off.
84. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2" apart and apply honey to disks).
85. Pocket protector (gee Dilbert I really like your new pocket protector).
86. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
88. Wax scraper for snowboards.
89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.
90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
91. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
92. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
93. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
94. Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas....)
95. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
96. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
97. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
98. Baby mobile.
99. Fence (may need a few thousand).
100. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
101. Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.
102. Use it to join AOL (What you get a busy signal, oh well try again later)
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