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Harrys Black HoleRazor-blade.
Harrys Black HoleShaking.
Harrys Black HoleViolin.
Harrys Black HoleFirst child.
Harrys Black HoleOperate.
Harrys Black HoleThe argument.
Harrys Black HoleBad news.
Harrys Black HoleComplete checkup.
Harrys Black HoleCancer.
Harrys Black HoleA cucumber.
Harrys Black HolePain.
Harrys Black HoleBaseball.
Harrys Black HolePneumonia.
Harrys Black HoleBandaged.
Harrys Black HoleEar ache.
Harrys Black HolePlumber.
Harrys Black HoleCar mechanic.
Harrys Black HolePlay doctor.
Harrys Black HoleOn my feet.
Harrys Black HoleShingles.
Harrys Black HoleGallbladder.
Harrys Black HoleAching tooth.
Harrys Black HoleOut.
Harrys Black HoleCongratulations.
Harrys Black HoleCoffee.
Harrys Black HoleWhy.
Harrys Black HoleSpots.
Harrys Black HoleFeeling ill.
Harrys Black HoleUnconscious.
Harrys Black HoleNot dead.
Harrys Black HoleOrgan donor.
Harrys Black HoleHeart transplant.
Harrys Black HoleDifference.
Harrys Black HoleDon't Want to Hear.
Harrys Black HoleMedical convention.
Harrys Black HoleBird.
Harrys Black HoleE.R. Doctor.
Harrys Black HoleE.R. Volunteer.
Harrys Black HoleChange a light bulb.
Harrys Black HoleEmpty Stomach.
Harrys Black HoleBirth Control and Sleep.
Harrys Black HolePrescription Change.
Harrys Black HoleThe Roach.
Harrys Black HoleFrozen.
Harrys Black HoleWhat a placebo!
Harrys Black HoleIncluding Tacks?
Harrys Black HoleKnowledge Pill.
Harrys Black HoleThe dinner.
Harrys Black HoleLaughing.
Harrys Black HoleMemory.
Harrys Black HolePlums.
Harrys Black HoleGrandpa.
Harrys Black HoleGold Coins.
Harrys Black HoleHiccups.
Harrys Black HoleThe speech.
Harrys Black HoleSide effects.
Harrys Black HoleA miracle.
Harrys Black HoleA broadcaster.
Harrys Black HoleDramamine.
Harrys Black HoleViagra.
Harrys Black HoleBuy condoms.
Harrys Black HoleSleep.
Harrys Black HoleHow pharmacists do it.
Harrys Black HoleChange a light bulb.
Harrys Black HoleA guy needs to lose weight.
Harrys Black HoleA guy goes to the doctor.
Harrys Black HoleA man.
Harrys Black HoleMother in law.
Harrys Black HoleBorn advanced.
Harrys Black HoleSadam.
Harrys Black HoleA man goes to his doctor.
Harrys Black HoleI told my doctor.
Harrys Black HoleDoctor Doctor!
Harrys Black HoleA woman in her 30's.
Harrys Black HoleAnal deodorant.
Harrys Black HoleLabels.
Harrys Black HoleThe Packaging.
Harrys Black HoleSon takes his father.
Harrys Black HoleComprehending Engineers.
Harrys Black HoleA veterinarian.
Harrys Black HoleTwins.
Harrys Black HoleBaby scale.
Harrys Black HoleThe Nun.
Harrys Black HoleThe jar.
Harrys Black HoleOn the fast road.
Harrys Black Hole1,2,3...for?
Harrys Black HoleLabor Pain.
Harrys Black HoleA black bag.
Harrys Black HoleCircumciced.
Harrys Black HoleQuality Care.
Harrys Black HoleThe Doctor's Solution!
Harrys Black HoleThe gynecologist's office.
Harrys Black HoleToo long.
Harrys Black HoleVasectomy.
Harrys Black HoleThe Guillotine.
Harrys Black HoleMedicine.
Harrys Black HoleA real old man.
Harrys Black HoleThe 67 year old couple.
Harrys Black HoleA woman in her 90's.
Harrys Black HoleThe Wedding Night.
Harrys Black HoleA free clinic.
Harrys Black HoleMan goes to his doctor.
Harrys Black HoleA man & a woman met at a bar.
Harrys Black HoleTwo boys.
Harrys Black HoleTwo doctors.
Harrys Black HoleA Gynecologist.
Harrys Black HoleA doctor's office.
Harrys Black HoleHiccups.
Harrys Black HoleSuppositories.
Harrys Black HoleTransplant.
Harrys Black HoleThe Brain.
Harrys Black HoleHospital hunters.
Harrys Black HoleHow old are they?
Harrys Black HoleEarsplitting Yell.
Harrys Black HolePsychology.
Harrys Black HoleThe Vasectomy.
Harrys Black HoleThe physical.
Harrys Black HoleProblems.
Harrys Black HoleDoctors.
Harrys Black HoleDoctor.
Harrys Black HoleThe doctor.
Harrys Black HoleNew Breasts.
Harrys Black HolePsychiatrist.
Harrys Black HoleSitting quiet.
Harrys Black HoleDrops every 4 hours.
Harrys Black HoleMy mother-in-law.
Harrys Black HoleDocs.
Harrys Black HoleSea food.
Harrys Black HoleThe Value Of Art.
Harrys Black HoleLong Life.
Harrys Black HoleA man is visiting his doctor.
Harrys Black HoleThe Baby.
Harrys Black HoleHeaven.
Harrys Black HoleThe conference.
Harrys Black HoleOne Hour Before.
Harrys Black HoleNew Drug.
Harrys Black HoleWorld famous painter.
Harrys Black HoleThe Old Man & the Bear.
Harrys Black HoleA beautiful, voluptuous woman.
Harrys Black HoleThe Flood.
Harrys Black HoleMedication.
Harrys Black HoleThree Doctors.
Harrys Black HoleTwo Doctors.
Harrys Black HoleNice Doctor!
Harrys Black HoleThe Pharmacist.
Harrys Black HoleThe Eye Test.
Harrys Black HoleDoctors Vs Gun Owners.
Harrys Black HoleGood Advice.
Harrys Black HolePsychiatrist.
Harrys Black HolePsychiatrist.

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Today is



JOKES - Doctor & Pharmacy

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Harrys Black Hole

    Got a good joke that is not on these pages? Send it to HBH and I'll add it.    This site is constantly evolving and updating, with new jokes arriving every week.    So please visit again! -     Thanks! -     Any suggestions, warmly welcomed!

Harrys Black Hole

Harrys Black Hole

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Razor-blade.
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Shaking.
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Violin.

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: First child.
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Operate.
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:
"I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The argument.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Bad news.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Complete checkup.
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Cancer.
Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: A cucumber.
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Pain.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe,
"Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis,
"You have a broken finger."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Baseball.
A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Pneumonia.
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Bandaged.
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Ear ache.
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Plumber.
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Car mechanic.
A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Play doctor.
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: On my feet.
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Shingles.
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Gallbladder.
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Aching tooth.
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Out.
"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist.
"I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..."
"Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again ?"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Congratulations.
If it is dry - add moisture; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Coffee.
Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Why.
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies,
"No, just spots."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Spots.
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Feeling ill.
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Unconscious.
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right.
How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Not dead.
He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Organ donor.
"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Heart transplant.
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Difference.
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Don't Want to Hear.
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when
I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh.... thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Medical convention.
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.
The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.
As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Bird.
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound... might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: E.R. Doctor.
You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if...
  • your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
  • discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
  • you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
  • you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
  • you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
  • you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
  • you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
  • you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
  • you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
  • you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
  • your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: E.R. Volunteer.
You Might Be an E.R. Volunteer if...
  • your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front garden.
  • you have delusions of being an emergency doctor.
  • the EMS guys think your name is the Coffee Mate.
  • you tell the doctors and nurses that you don't get paid anything to do this and they look at you like you're some kind of a freak.
  • your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
  • the EMS guys refer to you as "the pain in the ass that got in my way when I was bringing in a code!"
  • your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
  • your favorite colors are green, white and red, even though you are not Italian.
  • your favorite thing is to take orders from medical students.
  • you have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Change a light bulb.
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!

How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb ?
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Empty Stomach.

As a pharmacist, the general public expects us to be rather professional.
Thus is is easy (and fun!) to catch people off guard by having a sense of humor...
The following exchange took place between me and one of my patients:
Me: Take this medication on an empty stomach.
Patient: Does it say that on the label?
Me: Yes, on the sticker, next to the drawing of a stomach.
Patient: Ewww, gross!
Me: You should see what we put on the suppositories.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Birth Control and Sleep.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Prescription Change.

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment.
But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The Roach.

Years ago I had filled a prescription for a dear customer for the drug "RONIACOL" manufactured by the ROCHE Pharmaceutical Co. (Manufacturers had just started printing the company name or identification on the tablets.)
After delivering the prescription, I received a frantic telephone call. The caller said "Thank you for delivering my medicine, but you have made a terrible mistake." After asking what the problem was, she said: "You have sent me ROACH POISON." She said, "It's printed right on the tablet!"
This took a little tactful explanation.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Frozen.

Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?" Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."
Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: What a placebo!

A funny story I know comes from someone's father-in-law who is a pharmacist.
One of his customers complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't working. "Oh," he said, "You've been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first." He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was working fine now.

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Including Tacks?

This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it." "What do you want?" "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." "What do you want?" "I need some protection, all right??!?!" "What size?" "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." "That'll be $2.35 including tax." "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: Knowledge Pill.

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these and swallows them and has new knowledge on those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

Harrys Black Hole

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Subject: The dinner.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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Subject: Laughing.

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.
"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

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Subject: Memory.

A retired pharmacist was having trouble with his memory. He couldn't remember anything and his wife was having trouble with her memory, too.
The pharmacist read in the paper one evening about a memory doctor who could help restore memory.
He called his wife over and told her to read the ad. She thought it sounded pretty good and said, "I think we ought to see that doctor." He said, "I think we should, too." So, they went to see the memory doctor.
After seeing the doctor for about 6 weeks, the pharmacist and his wife went down to the senior citizen center and ran into one of their old friends.
The friend said, "I understand you're going to the memory doctor."
The pharmacist said, "Yes, that's right; we're both going."
His friend asked,
"Is he any good?"
"Is he any good?" said the pharmacist, "He's the best doctor we've ever been to, he's really good!"
His friend said, "You know, I'm having trouble with my memory, too. I think I ought to see that doctor. What's the doctor's name?"
The pharmacist hesitated, "What's the doctor's name... what's the doctor's name?" He said, "Look, there's a flower with a real long stem, the stem has little green leaves and there are thorns sticking out of the stem. At the top of the stem is a big bulb flower that comes in all different colors. What do you call that?"
His friend said, "Why, that's a rose."
The pharmacist said, "Yea, that's right, rose." He turned to his wife and said, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of that doctor we've been going to?"

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Subject: Plums.

A penguin was passing the drug store when he   decided he wanted to go in. He walks in the door (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) he waddles up to the counter. 'Can I help you mister  penguin?'
'Yes, do you have any plums?'
'No, penguin, this is a drugstore.'
'Thank you.'
The penguin leaves (waddle waddle waddle)
A while latter the penguin passes by again and once again goes inside.(ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) He waddles to the counter.
'Excuse me, do you have any plums?'
'NO, penguin! this is a drug store!'
'Very well then, thank you.'
'If you come back in here again penguin, I will nail your cute little feet to the floor.'
'Oh, well, thank you'
The penguin waddles out the door.
A while latter the penguin goes back into the store.(ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle)
'Excuse me sir.'
'WHAT!!!!!!????????'
'Do you have any nails?'
'NO! penguin, this is a drug store!!!'
'Oh, well then, do you have any plums?'

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Subject: Grandpa.

A Grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table.
'What's this!?' demands the grandfather.
'It's a condom' replies the grandson sheepishly.
'What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.
The guy is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain'
To his surprise his grandpa says 'That's a great idea,' and goes off to the drug store.
He asks the pharmacist for a condom.
'What size would you like' asks the pharmacist.
'Oh, big enough to fit a camel'

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Subject: Gold Coins.

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious,said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face,the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy.
He likes the LITTLE ones!"

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Subject: Hiccups.
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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Subject: The speech.
A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

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Subject: Side effects.
Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?"
Pharmacist replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so far."

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Subject: A miracle.
A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

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Subject: A broadcaster.
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

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Subject: Dramamine.
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise.
The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"

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Subject: Viagra.
Viagra has been a big boon to 'stand up' comedians.

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Subject: Buy condoms.
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

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Subject: Sleep.
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

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Subject: How pharmacists do it.
Pharmacists do it with drugs.
Pharmacists do it by prescription.
Pharmacists do it with side effects.
Pharmacists do it over the counter.

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Subject: Change a light bulb.
How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to do it ten days, three times a day.

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Subject: To lose weight
A guy needs to lose weight. He goes to the Doctors office.."Doc..I just can't seem to find a diet that works. I've tried them all. You gotta help me." The Doctor tell the guy.. well there is a new drastic diet I've read about in the Medical Journal. It's called the ANAL diet. The idea is you don't eat anything until you are desperate. Then, nothing by mouth. If you want it bad enough you insert it anally. Yeah, that's right. you insert it up your ass. The patent says ;"ah man I don't think I could do that." The Doc reminds him ..if you are desperate enough,it's supposed to work. The patient says ok,he'll do it. Doc tells him to come back in a month and we'll evaluate your progress.
Well a month later the patient returns,and he's just as proud as can be.
He walks back and forth in front of the Doctor's desk proclaiming.."that's the best damn diet I've ever tried. It took a little time to get used to but look at me I've lost 47 pounds."
With this the patient raises and lowers his right leg several times, shuffles back and forth from foot to foot,and paces back and forth.
The doc says "You look great but have you noticed and side-effects?"
The patient;pacing back and forth says "no;no side effects at all. Why would you ask that?"
The Doc says "well you can't sit still. All this moving about and pacing - what's wrong?"
The patient laughs ,smacks himself on the ass and says "I'm ok I'm just chewing gum."

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Subject: The doctor.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me."
The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole" give the missus a quick one, then got to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbors"s wife, who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get to work I do some work and at break I go into the photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking. At afternoon break I give the boss's wife a good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night I give the missus another screw.
"Well" said the doctor "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate?"

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Subject: Terrible headaches.
A man has been suffering from terrible headaches.
He goes to see his doctor, who tells him that he has to have a castration.
The doctor explains that his penile nerves are creating pressure on his spine and that's what's causing his blinding headaches.
The man isn't too excited, but he can't live with these headaches, and has the surgery that day.
A couple of days later, he decides to celebrate life without headaches by going to get some new clothes.
He walks into a tailor's and says, "I need a whole new wardrobe." The tailor says, "44 Regular Jacket, right?" The man says, "yes." "34 Medium Pants?" "Right" "16 X 34 Shirt?" "Fantastic!", says the man. The tailor says, "And you have 34 inch undershorts." The man says, "No, I wear 32." The tailor says, "That can't be, 32 inch undershorts would place tremendous pressure on your spine and cause blinding headaches."

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Subject: Mother in law.
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin... however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

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Subject: Born advanced.
A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk.
He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

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Subject: A doctor.
A doctor had come out of an examination room and begun to write a prescription.
A nurse walked by and said, "Excuse me, Doctor, but you're trying to write with your thermometer."
The doctor looked at the thermometer and said, "Dammit! Some asshole has my pen."

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Subject: Doctor.
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.
"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?"
"Why, yes," replied the man.
"And did you have sex while over there?"
The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice."
The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"
The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?"
"Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation."
"An operation? What kind of operation?"
"We cut off your penis."
"Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?"
The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"
The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician.
After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.
"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait.
"Yes."
"And is it really incurable?"
"Yes, there is no known cure."
The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"
At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?"
As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!"
"I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed.
"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

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Subject: My doctor.
I told my doctor I had been noticing a burning sensation in my eyes, and difficulty breathing after sex.
He told me it was just the Mace.

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Subject: Doctor Doctor!
Patient: "Doctor, I keep getting this urge to sing "The green, green grass of home".
Doctor: "Clearly you have a touch of "Tom Jones-itus".
Patient: "Crikey, is it a common condition?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."

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Subject: A woman.
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor.
While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hair style or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on the back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!

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Subject: Anal deodorant.
Customer walks into high street chemists and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. Assistant explains that they don't stock them.
Man insists that he bought his last one from this store. Assistant passes man on to pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item.
Man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years.
Pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.
Following day man returns to chemist and shows deodorant to pharmacist, who asks why customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.
Customer explains that instructions on reverse state "PUSH UP BOTTOM TO USE". !

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Subject: Labels.
A Pharmacy student was taking a course in dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as "Take with food" and "Take with water." At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.
Days later she noticed that a classmate had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook. It read,
"Caution: may cause drowsiness."

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Subject: The Packaging.
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question:
"Name the three advantages of breast milk." Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.
2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system.
Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled:
3. It comes in such nice containers. :)

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Subject: Son takes his father to the doctor.
Son takes his father to the doctor.
Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at a bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar,the father sees several of his friends.
He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave,the son asks:
"Dad,you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them you're dying of AIDS?"
The father replies:"I don't want them F***ing your mother after I'm gone."

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Subject: Comprehending Engineers.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

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Subject: A veterinarian.
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are.
...Of course, if ~that~ doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

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Subject: TWINS.
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant, and she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise" "Wow, that's a great name. " What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

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Subject: Baby scale.
At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"It won't work," Judi countered. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

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Subject: The Nun.
Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor. While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

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Subject: The jar.
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

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Subject: On the fast road to recovery.
A woman accompanied her rich husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
The doctor said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious, severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And, most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

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Subject: 1,2,3.. for?
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind.", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?

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Subject: Labor Pain.
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the know to 10% for starters, explaining the even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out the wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman was dead on their porch.

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Subject: A black bag.
Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit........

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Subject: Circumciced.
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"
Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK." He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"

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Subject: Quality Care.
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."

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Subject: The Doctor's Solution!
A heavy woman goes to see her doctor and tells him that she has a problem."What seems to be the matter?" her doctor asks.
"Oh doctor, I've got a terrible discharge!" she pleads. "It must be an infection of some kind because it smells terrible. Do something please!"
The doctor replies, "Well the first thing we're gonna do is clean out the area". With that, he takes several large pieces of gauze and proceeds to swab her vagina."Now how does that feel?" he asks her.
"That felt powerfully good doctor", she says, "but the discharge was in my ear".

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Subject: The gynecologist's office.
A Midget lady goes into the gynecologist's office and says, "Doc, every time it rains, my pussy hurts." The docs says ok, puts her up on the table and starts his inspection. He HMMM's and UH HUH's and finally grabs a pair of scissors. He has her get off the table and walk around. She says, "Doc, that's great! I don't have any pain. What did you do?" The doc says, "I cut the top two inches off your galoshes."

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Subject: Too long.
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.
But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem.
What you have to do is go to a pond deep in the forest. You will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO!" The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!
But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.
The man laughed, "This is fantastic." "Fifteen inches is still a monster" he reflected for a moment. "Just a little less would be ideal." he thought.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head in disgust, "How many times do I have to tell you? "NO!"......"NO!"......and for the last time "NO!"

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Subject: Vasectomy.
Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 8 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, Silky Hair and was very healthy...but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked our local pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife became pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Stanley

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Subject: The Guillotine.
During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die.
One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.
The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine.
The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him."
The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.
The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down.
Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up.
Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"

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Subject: Medicine.
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

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Subject: A real old man.
A real old man walked into a pharmacy and went to the pharmacist.
He asked the pharmacist if he would get him a 12-pack of rubbers.
The pharmacist was surprised by the order, but went and got a 12-pack anyway.
When he gave them to the old man, the old man said he would like some earplugs and some nose plugs also.
The pharmacist was confused by this order, but went and got them and returned.
His curiosity got the best of him and he said to the old man: "I know why you THINK you need the condoms, but why on earth do you need earplugs and nose plugs".
The old man replied "Because I don't like the sound of screaming women or the smell of burning rubber".

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Subject: The 67 year old couple.
"What can I do for you?", the Dr. asked the 67 year old couple.
"Watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and he charged them $32.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married so we can't go to her house. I am married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00.
The Hilton charges $98.00, we do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office.

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Subject: A woman.
A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart.
Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

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Subject: The Wedding Night.
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me"?
After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, " Medically, no, but here's something you can try on your wedding night.
When you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite.
The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "what the *@#% was that??"
The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!!!"

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Subject: A free clinic.
This Doctor on the East side has a free clinic, because he lost his license.
On monday a homeless guy comes in and says, "DOC, I feel really bad... "
The doc says, "BUT ya look good!"
Hmmmm. Feels bad, looks good, let me see here, got it! Yous gotta headache, take two of these and call me tomorrow.
Tuesday, the homeless guy comes back, "Doc, I don't feel any better.."
Hmmmm. Doc says, "But, ya look good!" Hmmmm, looks good, feels bad... GOT it! Yous gotta congested sinus! Take this and call me tomorrow!
Wednesday the homeless guy comes back.... "Doc, I feel great!" and the Doc replies, "yeah, but ya sure do look nasty!"
Hmmmmm, let me see here, FEELS GREAT, but LOOKS NASTY. Hey man! You're a PUSSY!!!!!

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Subject: Man goes to his doctor.
Man goes to his doctor, says "Doc I have a real bad problem."
Doc says "What is the problem?"
Man says "Every time I sneeze I have a orgasm."
Doc says "That does not sound like a problem to me."
Man says "Yea but I've already went through all the pepper in the house."

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Subject: A man & a woman met at a bar.
A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!"
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing; how did you determine that?"
The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate...
(*snip*)
After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The doctor was very surprised, and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist... Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?'
His lover retorted, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."

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Subject: Two boys.
Two boys were in the woods hunting. One boy, Jake, had to take a piss so he went over by a tree.
While he was pissing, a rattlesnake bit him on his penis.
He screamed and screamed and the other boy, Randy, ran over and asked "what's wrong??"
Jake screamed "I got bit on my dick by a rattlesnake!"
So Randy ran into town to get a doctor.
The doctor said "take this knife and run back into the woods.
Make an incision on Jake's penis and suck all the snake venom out."
So Randy ran back to his friend in the woods.
In total agony, Jake screamed "What did the doctor say...am I going to make it??"
Randy replied..."No".

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Subject: Two doctors.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards."
"Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

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Subject: An auto mechanic.
A Gynecologist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic.
So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received - 200%, so he goes to talk to the instructor.
The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.

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Subject: Doctor's office.
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

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Subject: Hiccups.
A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization.
After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall.
Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.
The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

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Subject: Suppositories.
A man with a bad stomach goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that it's quite serious but can be cured with anal suppositories. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to insert the second suppository , but finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams,"DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asks the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, BOTH his hands were on my shoulders."

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Subject: Transplant.
They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.
"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark.
"Wasn't always that way," replied Chas. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley St, England. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent."
Fred was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing.
It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled. I got mine for $500, not a thousand."
Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Harley St, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"

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Subject: The Brain.
A man had something wrong with his head, so decided to go to the doctor. After the doctor game him a check-up, he said, "You need to see a brain specialist. And guess what? You're in luck! There just so happens to be one at the hospital today." So, the man went to the brain specialist.
After the brain specialist checked him out, he told the man, "You need a brain transplant."
The man was shocked. He asked the specialist, "How soon do you think a brain will be ready?"
The specialist said, "You're in luck! There was a really bad wreck last night and a couple were killed. You can have your choice between the man's brain and the woman's brain."
The man said, "What's the difference?"
The specialist said, "Well, the man's brain costs $10,000. The woman's brain costs $5000."
The man asked, "Why is there a difference in the prices?" The specialist said, "The woman's brain is used."

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Subject: Hospital hunters.
Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards.
BOOM!!
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.
"Go see if that was a duck, will you?

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Subject: How old are they?
Such darling grandchildren, how old are they?
The dentist is 3 and the doctor is 5.

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Subject: Earsplitting Yell.
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is?"
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

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Subject: Psychology.
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

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Subject: The Vasectomy.
After having their 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. A friend from California told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
They go to the doctor, who tells the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."
So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Alabama. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home,lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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Subject: The physical.
The General went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the General had sex.
"Oh," he mused, "It was 1945."
"Isn't that a long time to go without sex?" the doctor asked.
"I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13."

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Subject: Problems.
A man is having problems with his penis which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."

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Subject: Doctors.
A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously around his bed.
"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error, and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina has been crafted into place."
"WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience another erection!"
"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of course, have to be someone else's."

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Subject: Doctor.
I used to be a doctor, but had to give it up -
just didn't have the patients.

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Subject: The doctor.
A doctor was being sued for malpractice and stood to lose his practice.
Desperate for cash, he decided to hold up a bank.
Nobody could read the hold-up note however.

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Subject: New Breasts.
A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra that inflates when you flap your arms up and down. The woman chose the bra.
The next day she went to a bar to try out her new bra. She saw an attractive man sitting alone at the bar.
Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man, who had started flapping his legs.
"I see we have the same doctor," he said.

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Subject: Psychiatrist.
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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Subject: Sitting quiet.
An old fellow had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and was fitted with a pair of hearing aids.
In a month, he returned for a checkup.
"Your hearing is perfect", the doctor said. "Your family must be really pleased!"
"Oy, I haven't told my family yet. " He chuckled. "I just sit quiet, and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

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Subject: Drops every 4 hours.
My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.
He said a woman brought her baby to see him and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instruction on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

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Subject: My mother-in-law.
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet, "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
"The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

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Subject: Docs.
A doctor apologized for keeping an elderly woman waiting so long in his office.
"That's all right," she said demurely. "I just thought you'd like to treat my illness while it was in its early stages!"

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Subject: SEA FOOD.
Joe and Obie, on a trip to see the ocean, decided to try some of that seafood they had heard so much about back home. At the Captain's Retreat Restaurant, Joe ordered baked flounder and steamed lobster legs and Obie asked for a huge plate of oysters. "What's this OH NATCHREL mean?" he asked the waiter.
"That means we cook the oysters and bring them to you just as they came from the sea," the waiter responded.
Thirty minutes later, Obie began experiencing horrendous stomach cramps so Joe called a taxi and rushed him to the emergency room of a large hospital.
When the examining doctor learned Obie had eaten a plate of oysters less than an hour before, he asked, "Were those oysters fresh?"
"I don't know doc," Obie groaned. "Until today I have never seen an oyster, let alone eat one."
"Well, what color were they when you shelled them?" the doctor asked.
Joe and Obie looked puzzled.
"SHELLED?" they asked.

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Subject: The Value Of Art.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."
"What did you say?" questioned the artist.
"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor..."

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Subject: Long Life.
When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

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Subject: Hot date.
A man is visiting his doctor and tells him that he has a hot date with a nymphomaniac and he wants to be up for the challenge.
So the doctor says take one of these pills and you should be ready to go at it all night.
The next day the man goes back to the doctor, and the doctor says will how did it go?
The patient said my dick is raw; give me some ben-gay.
The doctor in confusement asked "you don't need that it'll burn like hell".
The patient then says "No I got stood up this is for my shoulder those pills kept me going all night".

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Subject: The Baby.
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

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Subject: Heaven.
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in too."
As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay three days. After that you can go to hell.

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Subject: The conference.
At an international conference, an American, a Brit, and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
"I can't stand it sometimes. We treat people for cancer, and then they die of AIDS," said the American.
"I know what you mean," said the Brit. "We treat them for yellow fever, and it turns out they had malaria. Then, of course, they die."
"That is not a problem in our country," said the Russian doctor. "When we treat people for a disease, they die of *that* disease."

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Subject: One Hour Before.
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.
"Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh.
"I could only do about 15 minutes!"

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Subject: New Drug.
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it...Seems it was habit-forming.

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Subject: Famous painter.
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

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Subject: The Old Man and the Bear.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

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Subject: A gynecologist.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
While doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!

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Subject: The Flood.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

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Subject: Medication.
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asked, "Are these time release pills?"
The pharmacist replied, "Yes. They begin to work just as soon as your check clears!"

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Subject: Three Doctors..
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely."In fact, three doctors are there already."

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Subject: Two doctors.
Two doctors are walking down the corridor of the hospital.
First doc asks, "Did you tell that lawyer in room 316 that he was going to die?"
"Sure did", second one answers.
First doc says, "Darn! I wanted to tell him!"

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Subject: Nice Doctor!
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

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Subject: The Pharmacist.
A fellow went into a pharmacy and asked for a vial of Cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
He answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand that under such circumstances, I can't sell you any Cyanide."
The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry, sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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Subject: The Eye Test.
When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to a ophthalmologist in Prague. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters ......CVKPNWXSCZ.
"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.
"Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I date his sister!"

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Subject: Doctors Vs Gun Owners.
Something to ponder over...
a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept.of Health & Human Services

Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000 (yes, eighty-million!).
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

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Subject: Good Advice.
A patient was waiting nervously in the examination room of a famous specialist.
"Who did you see before coming to me? " asked the specialist.
"My local General Practitioner, " said the patient.
"Your GP? " scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he give you? "
And the patient said, "He told me to come and see you. "

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Subject: Psychiatrist.
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."
"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.
"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution."
"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

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Subject: Psychiatrist.
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

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