Subject: Quickies. Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh... I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."
Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."
Subject: Technical Support. Calling Technical Support...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit product identification number on to your telephone, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment manufacturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful customer -- and threw away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !)
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we all talk you know)...
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask yourself the following questions:
1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
6. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ..
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected again to technical Support
1
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.
Subject: Tech support. The tech support problem dates back to long before the Industrial
Revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate.
"Fire help. Me Groog."
"Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work."
"You have flint and stone?"
"Ugh."
"You hit them together?"
"Ugh."
"What happen?"
"Fire not work."
"[sigh] Make spark?"
"No spark, no fire. Me confused. Fire work yesterday."
"[sigh] You change rock?"
"I change nothing."
"You sure?"
"Me only make little change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto's hand. Only small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire."
Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave, "fixes" problem.
Subject: LAN Administrator. This is the one you've all been waiting for - what a LAN Administrator really does
Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FORMAT. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, Well, it works for me. Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffee maker from the power supply and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer.
8:14am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message Error accessing Drive 0/hard disk. Told them it was an Operating System problem.
Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The Daytona and Doom nationals are this weekend!
11:34am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want user access changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change access control add Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to US.
12:00pm
Lunch
3:30pm
Return from lunch.
3:55pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce and disconnect servers for no reason. Return to napping.
4:23pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what PC chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
Tuesday
8:30am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy.
Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on Lotus Notes - PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy". Put something in the calendar database! I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35am
Team leader from RP&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00am
Perky sounding intern from RP&D calls and says she needs new ID.
Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DataBaseLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's Reengineering for Customer Partnership I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell Omigod -- Fire!
1:15pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for Notice Loads or NoLoad Goats, she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably Lettuce Nodes. Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the air vents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
8:30am
Irate user calls to say PC Chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking Bitset, not chipset. Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material.
10:00am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil.
By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page.
Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00am
Lunch.
4:55pm
Return from lunch.
5:00pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
8:00am
New guy (Marvin) started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him Server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. Nice plaids Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves (Always have backups). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: Whereas all new employees beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide substance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift.
Marvin doubts. I point to Corporate Policy database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers! I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy.
4:30pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
8:00am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.
Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call telecommunications.
9:30am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. So hard to get good help I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. No problem!
11:30am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff I tell him.
12:00am
Lunch.
1:00pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50pm
Support manager calls to say mix up at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to 2 in help databases.
4:30pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a Edit -- Select All, hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend. Cheers
Please contact the Support manager if you think this job appeals to you!
Best wishes and good luck to you all!
Lap
PS: This isn't really what a LAN Administrator does. They actually do MUCH more - NOT!
Subject: Support Blues. An End User rings Customer Support support to report that his computer is faulty.
Customer Support: "What is the problem?"
End User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Customer Support: "You will need a new power supply."
End User: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files!"
Customer Support: "The power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
End User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command."
10 minutes later, the End User is still adamant that they are right.
The Customer Support Engineer is frustrated. . . .
Customer Support: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
End User: "I knew it!"
Customer Support: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."
10 minutes later.
End User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Customer Support: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
End User: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Customer Support: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."
1 hour later.
End User: "I need a new power supply."
Customer Support: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
End User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and the support person started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Customer Support: "Then what did he say?"
End User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."
20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.
19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?"
18. Proclaim your undying love.
17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.
16. "So,what are you wearing?"
15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin".
14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.
13. "You've got to be kidding."
12. "What you do is get yourself 50 cents and go and buy a clue."
11. Use baby talk.
10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."
9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.
8. "Yo no hablo ingles."
7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.
6. Laugh maniacally.
5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.
4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."
3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.
2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.
1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"
Subject: Tech Support. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
***
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
***
Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
***
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
***
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
***
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
***
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
***
Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
***
Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh ... uh ... uh ... yeah."
***
Tech Support: "All right ... now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows, because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term, sir. I don't believe it was meant to ... "
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms.' I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well ... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet. ... Is a 'little picture' ok?"
Customer: [click]
***
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Subject: Support 1. Support: Hello, and thank you for calling the Psychic Friends Computer Support Network! How can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I tried to open up a file, but the computer says "Cannot open A:\report.doc"
Support: Ah, this file is stored on a floppy disk, isn't it?
Customer: Wow! How could you know that?
Support: I know many, many things. For instance, this file of yours, it is some sort of report that you are working on, right? In Microsoft Word?
Customer: Unbelievable! You really are psychic! Well, how can I open this file?
Support: I see a . . . I see a . . . I see a message. It is an error message. It says, "This file is corrupted, click here for more details."
Customer: Well?
Support: Do it! You must click.
Customer: Do what?
Support: Say "Click"!!!
Customer: Click!
Support: No, double click! Double click!
Customer: Click Click! Click Click!!!
Support: Now I see another message. "In the future, do not save your only copy to a floppy disk. Save a copy on your hard drive". Ah, the vision is gone. Thank you for calling. If you stay on the line an operator will speak with you about sending your disk in for a file recovery. It is only $45 plus shipping.
Subject: Support 2. Support: Hello, and thank you for calling the Psychic Friends Computer Support Network! How can I help you?
Customer: You mean you don't already know?
Support: Hey, cut me some slack here, being psychic only goes so far.
Customer: Okay, but this had better be worth the $2.95 a minute!
Support: Your computer problem?
Customer: My monitor won't come on. I just hooked up this new computer, and I heard Windows boot up, but I never saw anything on the screen.
Support: This one's easy. You haven't plugged the monitor's power cable in yet.
Customer: No, I've already checked all the cables, so it's got to be something else.
Support: Come on, who are you kidding? You haven't checked the power cable at all, have you?
Customer: Yes I have!
Support: You're lying, just like you lied to your wife about those panties she found in your briefcase.
Customer: You! How could . . . No!
Support: You lied and said they were yours. That you liked the way they felt! If you don't check that cable right this minute, I'm going to call your wife and tell her who was missing a pair of purple panties after the office Christmas party!
Customer: No, don't! You can't! I'll check, I'll check, just please don't tell my wife! (LONG PAUSE) Uh, well, you were right, it was the cable after all. I could have sworn it was plugged in. I wouldn't lie to you, you've got to believe me!
Support: Of course, of course. Say no more. Thank you for calling the Psychic Friends Computer Support Network, please stay on the line and one of our operators will speak to you about our blackmail payment plan.
Subject: Support 3. Support: Hello, Psychic Friends Computer Support Network! How can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I've been wondering whether or not to break up with my girlfriend. We've been together for a long time, but I think I might need something new in my life.
Support: Uh, we can only provide psychic guidance for computer related issues.
Customer: You mean you can't help me with my girlfriend?
Support: No, we can only resolve computer problems.
Customer: Okay, then I have another question.
Support: Sure, how can I help?
Customer: I've been thinking about, uh, upgrading my computer system. The one I've got is pretty good, though, and we've had a lot of good times together. Hell, we've been together since high school.
Support: You and your computer???
Customer: Yeah, me and the computer.
Support: Well, uh.. How's the computer's hard drive space doing?
Customer: It used to be just fine, but now it's filling up pretty quickly. Hardly fits in the case anymore.
Support: Oh! Mmmm. How's the display?
Customer: Except for that hard drive thing, not too bad.
Support: Has it got plenty of RAM in it?
Customer: Sure does! In fact, I just installed some last night.
Support: Have you been, uh, shopping around for new computers lately?
Customer: Kind of. I've been using my neighbor's computer for the last few months . . . .
Support: Okay, that's more than enough. Instead of getting a whole new computer, how about just upgrading?
Customer: Upgrading?
Support: Yeah, you can have your computer's features enhanced at a . . . a . . . repair shop!
Customer: Oh, hey, I get what you're saying. Thanks, I'll give it a try.
Support: Don't mention it. Please! To anyone!
Subject: GM HELPLINE. SUBJECT: WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS!
General Motors doesn't have a 'help line' for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars the way they buy computers.. but imagine if they did.
HELPLINE: 'General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?'
CUSTOMER: 'I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!'
HELPLINE: 'Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?'
CUSTOMER: 'What's an ignition?'
HELPLINE: 'It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.'
CUSTOMER: 'Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?'
HELPLINE: 'General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?'
CUSTOMER: 'My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!'
HELPLINE: 'Is the gas tank empty?'
CUSTOMER: 'Huh? How do I know?'
HELPLINE: 'There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?'
CUSTOMER: 'I see an 'E' but no 'F'.'
HELPLINE: 'You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: 'No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: 'A 'V'?!?'
CUSTOMER: 'Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', and 'L' ...'
HELPLINE: 'No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about.'
CUSTOMER: 'That steering wheel thingy. Is that the round thing that honks the horn?'
HELPLINE: 'Yes, among other things.'
CUSTOMER: 'The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?'
HELPLINE: 'It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.'
CUSTOMER: 'What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!'
HELPLINE: 'General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?'
CUSTOMER: 'Your cars suck!'
HELPLINE: 'What's wrong?'
CUSTOMER: 'It crashed, that's what went wrong!'
HELPLINE: 'What were you doing?'
CUSTOMER: 'I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed-and now it won't even start up!'
HELPLINE: 'I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product.'
CUSTOMER: 'Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did-now the damn thing's crashed.'
HELPLINE: 'Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?'
CUSTOMER: 'What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!'
HELPLINE: 'Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't cash?'
CUSTOMER: 'How do you do THAT?'
HELPLINE: 'You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.'
CUSTOMER: 'Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know.'
HELPLINE: 'Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?'
CUSTOMER: 'I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!'
HELPLINE: 'General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?'
CUSTOMER: 'Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.'
HELPLINE: 'Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?'
CUSTOMER: 'How do I work it?'
HELPLINE: 'Do you know how to drive?'
CUSTOMER: 'Do I know how to what?'
HELPLINE: 'Do you know how to DRIVE?'
CUSTOMER: 'I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!'
Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?
Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!
Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?
Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!
Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.
Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!
(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)
Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?
Female Customer: In Netscape!
Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?
Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!
Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?
Female Customer: Yes that one!
Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.
Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses!
Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?
Female Customer: Just me and my husband!
(Several seconds of silence pass. Hey! I wasn't going to say it!)
Female Customer:........oh............. OOOH! ... Thank you.
(She quickly hung up)
Subject: Great moments in customer service. "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you,it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
Subject: Helpdesk guidelines. A Few Pointers for you to enlighten your relationship with helpdesks.
1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at monce. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am Fixing them.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.
28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery store on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing TA:K. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
31. When you see an error message come up on your screen, delete it immediately without writing down the message. Techies would rather not know what's broke when they come to fix it.
Subject: Top 14 things you don't want to hear from IS tech support.
14) "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
13) "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
12) "That's no bug--it's a feature!"
11) "So -- what are you wearing?"
10) "Every time I tried to fix that, I couldn't get the leg bone out without the buzzer going off."
9) "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3) "Hold on a second. Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...
1) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Subject: Is Windows a virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly. Okay, Windows does that
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do. so okay, Windows does that
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Okay, Windows does that, too
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus?
Subject: No smoking, please. A consultant was trying to explain to a customer that the smoke coming out of his PC power supply meant that the power supply was defective and needed replacing. The customer insisted that since the computer was relatively new, it could not be broken. No amount of persuading did any good, so the consultant suggested calling Microsoft support.
The consultant explained the situation to the MS tech, and the tech asked to speak to the customer. The tech suggested that the customer should change his CONFIG.SYS file to have the statement: DEVICE=NOSMOKE.SYS
After the change was made and the PC was rebooted, naturally the smoke continued. At this point, the tech explained to the customer that the power supply was an old model and was no longer compatible and that he would have to upgrade his power supply. The customer agreed.
Subject: Win98. What "Win98" Really Means:
10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes you'll have left on your hard drive after you complete the installation.
7. The number of pages in the easy installation summary.
6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new operating system.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number of fatal bugs that remain on the release date.
and the number one thing most people think the *98* in WIN98 stands for:
1. The year it was DUE to ship.
Subject: Tech Support. Individual: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Individual: How do you spell that?
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please!!!
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Operations Support Group
IBM Global Services Australia
Subject: Top 12 things you don't want to hear from tech support.
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.' Press 3if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second. Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "OK, turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.'"
And the No. 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support ...
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Quickies.
Top