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JOKES - Halloween

Subscribe to Harry's FREE REGULAR OR JEWISH jokes via email here.

Harry's Jokes might contain adult language.
I try to keep the jokes clean, but sometimes one is way too good to pass up.
If you are offended by such, please do not read the jokes or subscribe to the mailing list.

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    Got a good joke that is not on these pages? Send it to HBH and I'll add it.    This site is constantly evolving and updating, with new jokes arriving every week.    So please visit again! -     Thanks! -     Any suggestions, warmly welcomed!

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Subject: Halloween Costume Party.
On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself.
Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his manhood. His wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied, "If you're going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator."

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Subject: Top Ten Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex.
10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.
9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.
8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning & groaning.
7. Less guilt the morning after.
6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are.
5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.
2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

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Subject: Halloween Misspelling.
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

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Subject: The Devil.
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

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Subject: Halloween Party.
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,wondering what explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a great time!"

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Subject: The Bar.
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

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Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
A: Mas-scare-a.

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Who was the most famous ghost detective?
A: Sherlock Moans.

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Q: Who was the most famous witch detective?
A: Warlock Holmes.

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Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective?
A: Sherlock Bones.

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Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A: Napoleon bone-apart.

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Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.

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Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie.

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Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.

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Q: Why would you expect a snappy comeback from a mad scientist?
A: They are known for their quick retorts.

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Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: "Do you believe in people?"

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Q: What do you get if you cross a mad scientist with another mad scientist?
A: A horrible par a dox.

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Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.

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Q: What do you call an empty hot dog?
A: A hollow weenie.

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Q: Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

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Q: When a witch lands, where does she park?
A: In a broom closet.

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Q: Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
A: At the blood bank.

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Q: What haunts your house and honks?
A: Poultergeese!

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Q: Why do vampires drink blood?
A: Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

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Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: Bone appetit!

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Q: Why don't witches ever have babies?
A: Warlocks have hollow weenies.

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Q: Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
A: Because he's a pain in the neck!

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Q: Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?
A: The skeleton crew!

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Q: Who belongs to the monster PTA?
A: The mummies and deadies!

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Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle!

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Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body

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Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A: Bone appetit !

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Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers

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Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A: His ghoul friend.

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Q: What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A: Benjamin Frankenstein

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Q: What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A: Ice Scream

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Q: What's a monster's favorite play?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet

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Q: What do witches put on their hair?
A: Scare spray

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Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo

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Q: What's a haunted chicken?
A: A poultry-geist

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Q: How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?-
A: He has a big D on his pajamas

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Q: What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
A: Grandma monster

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Q: Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A: Because he was in need of a light snack

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Q: Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?-
A: Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

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Q: What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A: Boo boos

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Q: Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A: Because of his coffin

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Q: Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A: They're good at keeping things under wraps

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Q: What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A: Ghost-Toasties

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Q: What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A: A wash and wear wolf

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Q: What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A: They boo-kle their seat belts

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Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula

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Q: What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer

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Q: Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A: Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's

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Q: Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A: Because everyone was a goblin!

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Q: How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A: With a pumpkin patch.

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Q: What do witches use on their hair?
A: Scare spray

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Q: What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A: His other fang.

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Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

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Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones

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Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bones

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Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases

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Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash

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Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away

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Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling

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Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin

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Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay

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Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank

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Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup

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Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea

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Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory

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Q: Where does dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie

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Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel

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Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi

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Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

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Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

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Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

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Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

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Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.

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Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!

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Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.

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Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

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Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

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Subscribe to Harry's FREE REGULAR OR JEWISH jokes via email here.

Harry's Jokes might contain adult language.
I try to keep the jokes clean, but sometimes one is way too good to pass up.
If you are offended by such, please do not read the jokes or subscribe to the mailing list.

Privacy/Disclosure Policy

Harrys Black Hole

    Got a good joke that is not on these pages? Send it to HBH and I'll add it.    This site is constantly evolving and updating, with new jokes arriving every week.    So please visit again! -     Thanks! -     Any suggestions, warmly welcomed!

Harrys Black Hole

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