Subject: Bumper Stickers (388 of them!).
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A man with worms is never alone.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
All necrophiliacs are dead-heads.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Am I too slow?  Honk once for yes.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Assassins do it from behind!
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beam me up Scotty there is no intelligent life down here.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beware! Driver low on estrogen.
Bilingually illiterate.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Body by nautilus, brain by nintendo.
Boldly going nowhere.
Born Free... Taxed to Death.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Boycott china over hunan rice.
Briggs-stratton racing team
Cat: the other white meat.
Cats flattened while you watch.
Caution - driver legally blonde.
Caution: driver emits deadly gas.
Caution: I drive like you do.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Choose pour instead of poor.
Clinton should have inhaled.
Clinton sucks but does he swallow?
College grad and prowd uv it.
College grads make smarter mistakes.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Custer wore Arrow Shirts.
Dare to keep the CIA off drugs
Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.
Denial works for me.
Dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... Till you can find a rock.
Discourage Inbreeding: Ban Country Music.
Don't adjust your mind, the fault is with reality.
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink!
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can.
Don't Laugh - Your Daughter Might Be In Here.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't steal....the government hates competition.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't take my signals literally.
Drive like hell; you'll get there
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Dyslexics Of The World - Untie!
E. Coli Happens
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Earth is the mental ward for the Universe.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
End world peace now!
Eschew obfuscation.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Extinction is forever.
Facility.
Feel safe tonight... Sleep with a cop.
Few women admit their age, few men act it!
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Fight crime: shoot back!
Filthy stinkin' rich! (well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad)
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering..
Follow me for great fast-food values
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For sale: ex-wife----take over payments !forget about world
Forget about world peace... Visualize using your turn signal!
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Forget world peace - visualize using your turn signal!
Free tibet - halfprice mongolia
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends don't let friends vote republican.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Get behind frontal nudity.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
God loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Got kleptomania? Take something for it.
Got up and dressed myself. What more do you want?
Grow your own dope...          plant a man!
Grumbly hateful.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Guns don't kill people, postmen and radical pro-lifers do.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
He who hesitates is not only lost - but miles from the next exit.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Honk if anything falls off.
Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
Horn broken - watch for finger.
Horn broken... Watch for finger.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How many times do I have to tell you rape pillage then burn.
Hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am going to live forever... Or die trying.
I brake for figments of my imagination.
I brake for lawyers.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I got a gun for my wife... Best trade I ever made.
I got this truck for my wife... Good trade huhh!!!
I is a college student.
I keep missing my ex, but my aim is getting better.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I live like a monk... Except for the celibacy part.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
I may be slow...... But I'm ahead of you!
I must be a Proctologist because I work with assholes.
I need more days on the weekend.
I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
I only drive this way to piss you off.
I refuse to have a battle of wits - with an unarmed person.
I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I souport publik edekasion
I think - therefore I don't listen to Dan Rather.
I think you left the stove on.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to have a handle on life but it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I want to be like barbie... That b**ch has everything.
I want to die like my Grampa - in my sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car...
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather ...Not
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If assholes could fly, you'd train pilots.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, give up skydiving.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed... Blame someone else and seek counseling.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If it's too loud, your too old.
If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
If the world's a stage, I'm completely unrehearsed!
If they outlaw guns can I use my sword.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
If you are psychic - think "HONK."
If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette driven by a "drop-dead gorgeous blonde")
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on a Jeep)
If you can read this, then I must be faster than you.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.
If you can't feed em, Don't breed em
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
If you don't like my driving call 1-800-eat-shit.
If you don't like my driving, keep off the foot path.
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalks
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
If you drink like a fish, swim don't drive.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you think I'm a bitch, wait till you meet my mother.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
I'll just assume your turn signal is broken.
Illiterate? Write for free help
I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm Changing Lanes - Dare To Think For Yourself
I'm for celibacy in moderation.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
I'm OK. You're So-So.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm the bastard that drives slow in the left lane.
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
Is voodoo acupuncture redundant?
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It's been Monday all week.
It's better to be an old fart than a young shit-head.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
It's time to pull over and change the air in your head!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician!
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Just because I'm wandering, doesn't mean I'm lost.
Just say "NO" to stupidity.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
Life is a terminal disease!
Life is short, don't be a dick.
Life is too short to date ugly men.
Life's a bitch... Then it has puppies.
Little mean people come from big mean people.
Lord save me from your followers.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Men call us birds, we pick up worms.
Minds are like parachutes, they only function when open.
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Mother in law in the trunk.
My child was Inmate of the month, at the California Youth Correctional
My kid beat up your honor student!
My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
My kid had sex with your Honor student.
My kid is the one who beats up your honor student.
My kids are driving me nucking futs.
My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.
My other car is a piece of junk too.
My other car is even more embarrassing
My son is an honor student at the state correctional facility.
My truck may suck, but I'm still in front of you.
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly!
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
No amount of liquor will get you into my genes.
No Radio - Already Stolen.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
Nuke the gay unborn whales for Jesus!
Of all the things i've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Only brave men have the balls to juggle.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Photographic memory but no film.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
Practice safe sex: Go fuck yourself.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Pro choice on capital punishment.
Procrastination association of tomorrow
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Real men don't ask directions.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Real women pick up the check.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
REHAB is for quitters
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver
Save the trees... Wipe your bum with an owl.
Save the World... Kill Yourself.
Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter
Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
Screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Seen on a woman's car: Men call us birds, we pick up worms
Seen on an old, beat-up car: This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
Sex on television can't hurt you... Unless you fall off.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smith and Wesson... True feminine protection.
So many cats, so few recipes.
So many stupid people... So few comets.
Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy... Other times I let her sleep.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Ssshhhh! Driver asleep.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS.
Stoodant Dryver.
Suicide in kansas is redundant.
Sure you can trust the government;  ask any Indian!
Take me drunk I'm home.
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.
Thank you for pot smoking.
The best way to a mans heart is through his rib cage.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The Earth is full - go home.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The more people I meet the more I like my cats.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The road to hell is paved with republicans.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There's plenty to eat without choosing meat!!
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
This car carries only $25 in ammunition.
This car is constipated, it can't pass anything.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is Research.
Tow-ers will be violated
Twice head is better than once.
Unless you're lead dog, the view never changes.
Vacuuming sucks.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Visualize whirled peas.
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass & wait!
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Was that your finger or an invitation?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Welcome to philadelphia- hey!!! That's my car!!!
Welcome to Shit Creek~ Sorry we're out of paddles.
We're spending our childrens' inheritance.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! (men saying this are known to die a violent death)
Why be normal?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly??
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Will work for food, will beg for sex!
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Women are born leaders...you're following one now!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
Work is the curse of the drinking class
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.