Subject: The Top 15 Movies Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story. 15. That Thing You Do
14. Lady and the Scamp
13. Look Who's Sweating Now
12. Phallus in Wonderland
11. 101 Depositions
10. All the President's Yen
9. Sex, Lies and Audiotape
8. Silence of the Ma'ams
7. The Lyin' King
6. Big Hair, Big City
5. As Wood As It Gets
4. Terns of Impeachment
3. Pants/Off
2. My Spare Lady
and the Number 1 Movie Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story...
1. Cleavage and Butt-Head Do America.
Subject: Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is better than sex.
1. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
2. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
4. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
5. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
6. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
7. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
8. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
9. Less guilt the next morning.
10. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
Subject: Top ten reasons Arafat should be next prime minister of Israel. 10) World famous personality.
9) 1994 Nobel peace prize winner.
8) He fought in all of Israel's wars.
7) He won't draft the ultra religious to the army.
6) Has the respect of the European community.
5) Is not afraid to mix diplomacy with "other methods".
4) On good terms with premiers of all neighboring countries.
3) His government doesn't have problems passing a budget.
2) Doesn't compromise on important issues.
And the number one reason....
1) He will never, ever, split or divide Jerusalem.
Subject: Top Ten Perks Of Being Saddam Hussein's Stepson. 10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel.
9. People never refer to you as "The crazy one in the family".
8. On weekends, you get to bring home weapons of mass destruction.
7. Don't want to clean your room? Threaten to tell the United States dad's exact location.
6. Play your cards right and in 10 years you'll be torturing the Iraqi people.
5. Unique chance to observe a tyrannical madman up close.
4. Big inheritance when U.S. troops finally kill your stepfather.
3. Father-son bonding over 3am prank calls to U.N. weapons inspectors.
2. You can get first pick of the police auction's seized and repossessed camels.
1. Get to call Bin Laden "Uncle Osama".
Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Lubavitcher Teen Is In Trouble. 10. Sometimes gets out of bed on shabbos before 9 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without sheitels or snoods.
8. Shows up at farbrangens in full "KISS" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
6. His name is Menachem Mendel, but he goes by "M Square Daddy"
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese -- OU, but not cholov yisroel.
1. He's wearing his black hat backwards.
Subject: Top 53 Reasons I Love Israel. Here, in no particular order, is the list:
- It is a holy land, a gift from the Almighty.
- Every taxi driver is a political pundit.
- The weddings burst with joy and everyone is invited.
- The whole country is cleaning for Passover and I can smell it in the air.
- The topography allows me to sun on the beach of Eilat in the morning, and ski on Mount Hermon the same evening.
- When I visit the Tomb of the Patriarchs in Hebron, I realize no other people in the world has such deep roots.
- Israel is the only place that is my true home. Everywhere else is just temporary.
- Burger King and Kentucky Fried Chicken are Kosher!
- The heightened sense of holiness that you feel with every step you take while you are in Israel.
- The beauty of the Land of Israel from the deserts of the Negev to the mountains and valleys of the Galil and the Golan; from the coastal plains to the hills of Jerusalem the geography of Israel is incredibly diverse. And the beauty of Jerusalem especially the sun shining on the Jerusalem stone.
- It's the only place in the world where the seas, sand, wind, sky, rain, hills, desert speak to you in Psalms. The clouds and crevices in the rocks look like Hebrew letters. The Land speaks the words of the Almighty.
- Israel is the only place where a Jew doesn't have to take off school or work in order to keep Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and the other holidays.
- The history, the grandeur of the past can be seen everywhere you turn; and, at the same time, you realize that you are a part of the history that is unfolding before your very eyes.
- Israel is the place where we can fully be Jews, and walk proudly in the streets without fear of being discriminated.
- Ben Yehuda Street -- where better to go when you want to feel like you're in both Israel and the U.S.A.? A great mix of both cultures, with new experiences awaiting you with every turn you take.
- It's the only place in the world you can get a decent Krembo.
- The freedom to talk to God wherever and whenever without being thought of as crazy.
- In no other place in the world are there garbage men with their tzitzit hanging out.
- I felt God's presence in Israel all around me, especially in Jerusalem. Miracles occur daily.
- You don't have to travel long distances to see every topographical region. The desert, the Mediterranean, the mountains, Lake Kinneret, the Dead Sea. Everything exists in Israel, more beautifully than any place else in the world.
- The Kotel, the Western Wall.
- The soldiers.
- The vast majority feel deeply others' pain and joy. There is a unique sense of being part of a single community, which leads most people to feel together, whether in a time of sadness or happiness.
- Meeting others from all over, yet having the same common denominator our faith.
- December 25 is a completely ordinary day: people just going about their business. And December is a completely ordinary month. Xmas could come and go and you might not even notice it.
- Living in the States I sometimes feel like I don't belong, but in Israel I felt a sense of belonging and with other people sharing the same religion and culture. Being in Israel is being home. There is a great degree of comfort being in the land that God gave to us.
- Under Jewish rule, Israel is a free nation. It is significant to many religions and under Jewish rule all are free to visit and view the sites most dear to them. This would not be true under any other form of government and the history books reveal this to be true.
- Despite the recent violence, I felt safer in Israel than I do at my home in the United States, and I would not hesitate to come back with my children. I could walk the streets at night without fear, despite being unable to read or speak the language, which is something I would never do at home.
- The pages of the Bible come to life here, making it all so very real.
- Unlike New York or any other place in the world, I actually CARE what happens in Israel. Any person who dies, or is hurt, or was saved, is my brother or sister. I feel their happiness and pain as if they're part of my own body, or my own family.
- Falafel makes me happy!
- The diversity of the people. Not only do they represent so many different religions (and sects within these religions), but they come from all over the world, speak more languages than I can count, and yet all have an incredible love for the land.
- The only foreign country you can visit, and feel totally at home.
- Israel proves that anything is possible in this world.
- That you don't have to think twice about wearing a kippa to work.
- Every stone has its individual history, and it is a land full of beauty and prosperity.
- In Israel, I am not an observer of Jewish destiny in a strange country. Here, we are creating Jewish destiny.
- It's the place where God's presence can be felt more intensely than anywhere on earth.
- Israel is the embodiment of every Jew's hopes and dreams come true. It is God's very promise to us come true, our Homeland.
- I love the beauty and the ever-changing scenery that surrounds you.
- The amazingly delicious food produce that is the best in the world (even the fresh stuff from California, where I reside, pales in comparison). Other ethnic treats include melawach, jachnun, kubaneh, shwarma, and falafel.
- I love the hustle and the bustle of the people, their language and emotional manner.
- I am astounded by the growth and dynamics of its technological advances. Israel is one of the most vibrant countries in the world that is a leader in medicine, science, agriculture and in blending the past with the present and the future.
- Everyone talks on the buses.
- The State of Israel, its people and the Jewish people around the world are the ultimate survivors in a world filled with Jew hatred. No group of people in the history of mankind have faced Inquisitors, ghettos, pogroms, the Holocaust, quota systems, and various restrictions, etc. Despite every attempt to eradicate the Jewish people and the State of Israel, our people have survived and made extraordinary contributions to mankind.
- It keeps me constantly connected to my Judaism and "my people"! I have recently returned from a brief visit to Israel, and I love it even more now than before.
- It's the land where God has placed His name.
- I was most amazed at the profusion of flowers growing amid rocks, and green grass in what once was desert.
- I love the people of Israel's diversity, resilience, humanity and ingenuity.
- Dancing in the streets of Jerusalem during Sukkot.
- Middle Eastern hospitality. The people are so kind and generous.
- The ability to keep dozens of mitzvot that you can't do anywhere else.
- Only 53 reasons? With 5 million Jews, there are 5 million things I love about Israel!
Subject: Top Ten Ways the Story of Purim Would be Different if it Occurred Today.
10. Vashti relieved that king calls her to dance naked and not one of his sleazy girlfriends
9. Story ends with Mordechai and Haman signing historic peace treaty on White House lawn
8. Bigtan and Teresh caught trying to return rental van used in assassination attempt
7. Haman's children finally killed by lethal injection after lengthy appeals process
6. Jews required to drink 'till they no longer know the difference between Pat Buchanan and Al Sharpton
5. In addition to Mishloach Manot and Matanot L'Evyonim, Megillah institutes No Alternate-Side-Of-The-Street Parking
4. Like Esther might ever agree to marry one of those slimy Ayatollahs
3. Instead of calling national fast day, Rabbis hold ill-attended rally in front of Persian embassy
2. Haman forced to share funds with rival extremist group, Hezbollah
1. Rav Shach orders followers not to fight Haman, 'cause having the Jewish community saved by a woman just isn't halachikly acceptable.
1. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah.
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites.
3. If you're having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask & no one will know who you are.
4. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka -- the Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights.
5. You don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes.
6. You don't have to build a sukkah and eat outside.
7. You get to drink wine & you don't have to stand for Kiddush.
8. Mordechai - 1; Haman - 0.
9. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav.
10. You can't eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.
11. Mordechai - 1 ; Haman - 0!!!
Subject: Top ten ways the White House will change with Liberman as VP. 10) Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".
9) Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."
8) Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
7) Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.
6) Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!
5) Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around.
4) U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
3) Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to actually start working Monday - Friday.
2) Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.
1) In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed Carnegie Delhi.
Subject: The Top 10 Signs That You Have A Gambling Problem:
10)Most people say "Super Size"; you tell the kid behind the counter: "Hit Me".
9)You put coins in parking meters hoping for "The Big Payoff".
8)You videotape Lottery Number announcements.
7)You give odds as to when you'll mow the yard.
6)You spend more on doggie treats for "your friends at the track" than you do groceries.
5)You have actually bet on weather forecasts.
4)During Sex, when you reach orgasm you scream "21!!"
3)You blow on and then shake the keys before giving them to someone.
2)You get your paycheck each week in chips.
1)You admit to gambling on the outcome of "Rock Em/Sock Em Robot" matches.
Subject: The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad Health Care Provider:
10) Has Dobermans chase stationary bikes in physical therapy.
9) Responds to every injury with "Aaargh, let's cut it off!"
8) 2nd Opinion involves everyone else in the office going "Oooh, that ain't right!"
7) Uses the phrase "I saw this recently on ER" as the basis for your treatment.
6) Urine sample goes into a Big Gulp Cup
5) Chases patients down the hall with the defibrialator yelling "Clear this, ya bastard!"
4) Has Peanut Butter and Petroleum Jelly Sandwiches in the lobby.
3) Asks for your phone number during your gynecological exam.
2) Shows up for surgery with a chainsaw and goggles.
1) Forgets to tell you about the side effects of your prescription and then refuses to shake your 3rd hand growing out of your forehead when you leave.
Subject: The Top 10 Categories Never Used on Jeopardy:
10) "Noises Dad Makes"
9) "Things You Shouldn't Do With Farm Animals"
8) "Satanic Bible Verses"
7) "1st Cousin Pick-up Lines"
6) "Who's My Daddy?"
5) "Things You Shouldn't Put In The Microwave"
4) "Late Nights With A Cadaver"
3) "Serial Killers"
2) "What's That Rash"
1) "Ways I'd Kick Alex's A**"
Subject: The Top 10 Signs You Are About to Lose Your Job!:
10) Company credit card is replaced with discount coupons to Burger World.
9) When secretary passes out company memos, you get a map to the state unemployment office.
8) You are introduced to new hires as "The person whose job you'll be taking."
7) The cafeteria servers shun you.
6) You go to sharpen a pencil and don't remember having to pay a $250.00 service charge before.
5) Your desk is moved.....outside!
4) Your secretary answers your calls with "Thanks for calling the employee formerly known as Bob."
3) All of your airfare for company trips is One-Way
2) You're franchise in the office fantasy football league is sold
1) The secretary tells you that she only sleeps with employees
Subject: Top 10 Things You'll never hear a man say:
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore
Subject: Top 10 Things You'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
Subject: The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes in a Fortune Cookie:
10) We know where you live.
9) You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
8) Everyone's meal today is on you!
7) The "special sauce" came from my body!
6) Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
5) Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
4) A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
3) Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
2) You will get a raise soon...via your underwear.
1) MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe
Subject: The Top 10 Things Not to Say During A Job Interview:
10) "Damn, those are big tits!"
9) "Can I have a fridge at my desk to keep the beer in?"
8) "Do the Health Benefits cover imaginary spouses?"
7) "Umm. my last boss can't serve as a refernce because no one can seem to find his ROTTEN, STINKING, CARCASS!!!"
6) "Excuse me.. can you pull my finger?"
5) "Who in your HR Department is responsible for posting employee's bail?"
4) " I am soooo ready to test those drugs that I have to in order to get this job."
3) "I am fascinated by fire."
2) "I have to have Internet access....I write the Top 10s for the Funny Bone website."
1) "I know I wore them today but my casual days don't involve pants at all."
Subject: The Top 10 Annoying Things To Do In A Movie Theater:
10) Start the Wave.
9) Pretend to be Siskel of "Siskel and Ebert" and make people to move out of their seats so you can better review the movie.
8) Watch any "Ernest" movie in its entirety...shouting the whole time "That boy is dang funny!"
7) Hold a Junior Mints Spitting For Distance Contest
6) Roll eggs from the back row and see if you can have one make it all the way down...unbroken!
5) When the movie screen shows you where the emergency exits are...run screaming down the aisle "Ain't no way in hell I am going to be last this time!"
4) Shout "WHOOP, THERE HE IS" everytime the killer is on screen.
3) Buy a box of Whoppers, sit down, eat some and then read the calorie count on the side of the box as if it was the most EARTH SHATTERING piece of news you have ever heard.
2) Place a tape player under a seat in the back row....play the tapeyou made of you and your ex-girlfriend having sex....on about 10.
1) Right during a explosion scene, set off your own fireworks and then stand up and tell everyone around you: DAMN..THAT SURROUND SOUND IS GOOD!!!
Subject: The Top 10 Things That Would Happen or Be Said if Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store:
10) Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.
9) Hookers are renamed "Special Stock Girls."
8) If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8
7) There's gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.
6) Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.
5) Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."
4) Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."
3) No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.
2) Paper or Plastic or Rubber?
1) Some men would still be in the Express Lane
Subject: The Top 10 Things Not To Say Before Sex:
10) "Do they make a condom that small?"
9) "Scream good and loud so it'll be picked up on tape."
8) "Ain't no way the lights are staying on for this."
7) "Whatever you do, don't pull my toupee off."
6) "I'm sorry but I'm not drunk enough...can I have another shot?"
5) "You're as easy as the bathroom wall said you were."
4) "Geez, look at the sag on those."
3) "Aw cmon honey. the dog's just trying to be friendly."
2) "Hold on, let me go tell the guy in the closet when to start filming."
1) "The other girls in Junior High will not believe how I fooled a 25 year old guy."
Subject: The Top 10 Little Known Uses For Velcro:
10) Allows you to stalk someone really, really close!
9) How the heck do you think Spiderman walks on those dang walls?
8) It keeps those pipsqueak jockeys on those horses no matter what!
7) He doesn't know it but it helps Grandad's garbage sack pretending to be a diaper stay on really well.
6) Artwork won't be taken down off the fridge so quietly.
5) How else do those airplanes land on those aircraft carriers so fast?!?
4) It helps the careless window washer stay alive.
3) When you're burying someone alive, it'll keep the coffin sealed really tight.
2) The paramedics won't tell you this but its how they keep body parts attached.
1) With just one slap on the wall, it makes the cats stay put when you open the door.
Subject: The Top 10 Sexually Suggestive Pastries:
10) Creme filled Twinkies
9) D-Cupcakes
8) Sticky Buns
7) Cherry Pie
6) Banana Nut Bread
5) Specially "Glazed" Doughnuts
4) Tasty Pasties
3) Hot Pop Tarts(aka the Spice Girls)
2) Cinnamon Roll in the Hay
1) Scooter Pie
Subject: The Top 10 Ways To Make Golf More Exciting:
10) Replace Golf Shoes with those silly, pointed Elf Shoes.
9) Install every golf ball with that Fox-Cam.
8) Quicksand traps.
7) Every golfer must now have an animal name such as Tiger Woods, Dumbo Couples, Snake Price..etc...
6) Each hole now has a Tequila Shot along with a Tee Shot.
5) If you can hit the CBS Announcers Booth at 18, you win the whole damn tournament.
4) You play a fun-filled price game with Bob Barker to determine exactly where you'll putt from.
3) In addition to #4, if you sink the putt, there's an additional joke about the 19th hole and one of Barker's Beauties!!!
2) Combine the joy of putting, the gopher from Caddyshack and a wacky kids arcade game. Everytime you sink a putt...its Whack A Gopher!!!
1) Aw...what the hell. Two words: Topless Caddies!
Subject: The Top 10 Sexually Suggestive U.S. Army Sayings:
10) "You've got me at attention."
9) "Make a full retreat to my barracks."
8) "Ever owned Fatigue Lingerie?"
7) "Be All You Can Be...In My Pants!"
6) "I'm ready...help me aim and fire!"
5) "Looks like you could need some help in handling your weapon."
4) "No one will ever know...I'll be your Stealth Bomber."
3) "I know a good Foxhole when I see one."
2) "That's not a Code Red you're giving me..."
1) "I want you...to want me!"
Subject: The Top 10 Rejected Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavors:
10) Jammin' Salmon
9) Sliver o Liver
8) Miller Lite of my Life
7) Fresh From Herbert Sherbert
6) Guess what....That's Not Cookie Dough!!
5) Bad Ass Broth!
4) Funky Frozen Fat
3) Jeffrey Dahmer's Surprise Crunch
2) Jamaica Almond Joseph and The Virgin Mary Cherry
1) Pralines and Cream of Wheat
Subject: The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Judge:
10) "I got your community service right here pal!"
9) "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
8) "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
7) "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
6) "Bite me you robe wearing geek."
5) "The point is that she's 18 NOW!"
4) "By the way before you sentence me, tell your wife that I can't meet
her at the hotel for our weekly rendezvous tonight."
3) "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
2) "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"
1) "You wanna talk about penal code?!?...here's my penal code buddy!!!"
Subject: The Top 10 Prison Pick Up Lines:
10) "Interested in serving HARD time?"
9) "Don't you prefer dropping bar soap instead of that liquid crap?"
8) "Due to a recent execution, I now have an opening for my prison bitch."
7) "Time, Love and Tenderness isn't just a Michael Bolton song, its my way of life."
6) "Stop by my cell later for a Lethal Injection."
5) "Wanna Make License Plates after dark?"
4) "Cinemax3 is doing another one of those Women in Prison movies soon..wanna audition in my cell?"
3) "Bread, Water or Me?"
2) "Wanna Attend a Chain Gang Bang?"
1) "You're getting your GED..wow that makes me so H O T T!"
Subject: The Top 10 Bad Substitutes for Toilet Paper:
10) Your sleeve.
9) Those overdue bills
8) A really dumb dog.
7) Spiceworld Movie Poster.
6) That damn subpeona you got the other day.
5) Your GED.
4) Your Mother In Law's Tablecloth.
3) Your Boss's tie right before you quit.
2) Your kid's Barney Doll.
1) Your Top 10 List Rough Drafts!
Subject: The Top 10 Names For The President Clinton Sex Scandal:
10) Mideast Piece Process.
9) One Good Intern Deserves Another.
8) Fellatio Hornblower.
7) The Man From Hope Who Likes To Grope.
6) In Honor of Dr. Suess and "Horton Hears A Hoo", I give you "Clinton Bags A Babe."
5) Big Willie's Style.
4) The Summer of Hummers.
3) Swallow The Leader.
2) Hands On America.
1) Fornigate.
Subject: The Top Ten Really Cool Things to Do With Pudding:
10) It acts as cheap yet flavorful sunscreen.
9) It turns an ordinary game of Nude Twister into something very, very memorable.
8) Why spend a fortune on wrapping paper for gifts when you can just dip the gift extensively in pudding?
7) Hilarious hi-jinks occur when you put pudding in Dad's Caulking gun.
6) If you're really desperate and late for a first date, use some as a styling gel.
5) Put 6 opened packets in a leafblower and really PISS OFF YOUR NEIGHBORS!!
4) Screw that Slick50 stuff! Any auto mechanic worth his stuff will tell you that pudding helps lubricate your car's pistons better than anything.
3) Its a middle of the night surprise for Dad when you put pudding in his slippers.
2) Its a last resort lubricant used during an all day XXX movie shoot.
1) Summer heat getting you down?....Try cooling down with a POOL OF PUDDING!
Subject: The Top 10 Signs That Its Time To Do The Laundry:
10) You're wearing your last pair of underwear in the shower consistently.
9) You've worn your sheets to school because you can't get them off of you.
8) Your socks act like a shirt does when its heavily starched and emit a serious funk.
7) Your roommate walks around wearing a full body medical suit like they did in the movie "Outbreak" to avoid catching the Ebola virus.
6) The Snuggle Bear on the softener bottle officially died last week.
5) The DEA's drug sniffing dog is always coming by to sniff your laundry because the strong stench makes him think you have 28 tons of pot in your closet.
4) Even after sewing 28 spring scented dryer sheets to the inside of your shirt, your friends still say you reek.
3) The phrase "Wash Me" is visibly written in your jeans.
2) Your red T-shirt is now green.
1) The boss pulls you aside to remind you that your company's casual days does not include your college graduation gown and scuba diving fins.
Subject: The Top 10 Ways To Explain Sex To Your Children:
10) HOCKEY--Tell your child that Daddy is a hockey player and that Mommy is the goalie and that sex is trying to score. The problem is that Daddy thinks he is Wayne Gretzky when he really is a blind immigrant skater who couldn't find the net if he tried and is ALWAYS hitting the post instead of finding the perfect spot of the net to shoot for. Of course, Daddy feels that Mommy is Dominic Hasek and is consistenly pitching shutouts.
9) BARBIE AND KEN--If Barbie doesn't take Ken to the rack every once in a while, she wouldn't get the Dream House, the Dream Corvette and she'd be stuck with that slut Skipper all the time.
8) GARDEN--Sex is like growing a garden. The soil has to be fertile and the seed has to be planted at just the right time. That doesn't explain why Daddy has to CONTINOUSLY PRACTICE PLOWING TECHNIQUES WITH THE BABYSITTER!!!
7) BANK--Sex is where Daddy goes to the bank of love to make a special deposit and finds that Mommy either has the NEXT TELLER PLEASE WINDOW UP or IS SERVICING EVERY ACCOUNT IN TOWN!!
6) OLD TV REFERENCE--Sex is like The Addams Family... Everyone is trying to bury Uncle Fester.
5) KIDS TV REFERENCE-- Sex is what Barney does when the camera is turned off and he's had such a great need to love everyone that he and BabyBop tear up the set.
4) ALCOHOL--Sex is where Mommy's vat is fermented until all of the ingredients are mixed in and Daddy becomes the BREWMASTER.
3) RELIGIOUS--Sex is donating to the missionary.
2) BASEBALL--Sex is where Daddy swings a big stick in hopes of getting a home run but he swings too early, pops up instead of going deep and is usually replaced by a battery propelled pinch hitter.
1) COOKING--Sex is where Daddy puts his hogleg in Mommy's kitchen, hoping that it'll go well with her eggs and she's not serving the entire town breakfast.
Subject: YOU ARE NO LONGER "COOL" WHEN...
1.You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2.You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3.The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4.You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5.Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
6.You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend
7.You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
8.You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
9.You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
10.When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
11.When jogging is something you do to your memory.
12.Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
13.Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
14.Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
15.All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
16.You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
17.You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
18.You actually ASK for your father's advice.
19.You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board
Subject: The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Overweight.
16. Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
15. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
14. Always lands on her spleen.
13. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
12. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
11. No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
10. Anna Nicole Smith fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.
9. Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
8. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
7. It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
6. "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
5. Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.
4. Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
3. He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
2. Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...
1. Has more chins than lives.
Subject: 30 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator:
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4. Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?#060;BR> 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. Floss your teeth.
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: I've got new socks on!
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say oops!
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce You're one of "THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Subject: 90 Things NOT to say during sex.
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned : this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Subject: 25 Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral:
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
Subject: The Top Ten Worst Things to See Written on Your Term Paper in Red Ink:
10. See me after class.
9. Did you even read the material?
8. It's a C, but it's a strong C.
7. Fascinatingly convoluted.
6. My, what nice, big margins!
5. You've must've been up all last night.
4. The book ends differently than the movie.
3. Spelling requires more than just sounding it out.
2. Are you familiar with the term "plagiarism"?
1. Tell your mom to try harder.
Subject: 40 Things to do during an exam!!
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "xxxx this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
Subject: 90 uses for AOL disks:
It's a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks...but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.
1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife)
2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter
3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
5. Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case...the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Mini frisbee.
18. Air hockey puck.
19. Dog chew toy.
20. Dart board.
21. Pooper scooper.
22. Grill scraper.
23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
24. Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
25. Conversation piece for coffee table.
26. Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
27. Light switch cover.
28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
29. Clay pigeons for target practice.
30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
33. Firewood.
34. Bird house.
35. Paper weights.
36. Pen holders (make a box without a top). 37. Post it-notes holder.
38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
40. Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon -actually works).
42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense.
45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
48. Hand them out as party favors.
49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe...who would want an AOL disk?)
50. Vertical blinds.
51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
52. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
53. Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
54. The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
56. Brake shoes.
57. House insulation.
58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seatle (walk all over the competition)
60. Hockey Puck.
61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
62. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk...makes the perfect pet.
64. Poker chips.
65. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
66. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you've got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
67. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
68. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
69. Grind them up to make fake snow.
70. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
71. Dental floss (use actual disk).
72. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
74. Use them to fill potholes.
75. Hood ornament.
76. Snow blower replacement blades.
77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
79. Rubic's cube case (make into box).
80. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
82. Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties).
83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who xxxx you off.
84. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2" apart and apply honey to disks).
85. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector.
86. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
88. Wax scraper for snowboards.
89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.
90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
Subject: Top 10 Signs Your Kitty May Be Planning to Kill You:
10. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
9. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" that reads "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password:
1.E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
2.Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
3.You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
4.Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.
5.Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
6.Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
7.Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
8.You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
9.On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
10.Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Subject: Top 100 reasons to be a Woman.
1 women can get laid anytime they want
2 women never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3 women piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk
4 women get out of speeding tickets by crying
5 women get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6 women can sleep our way to the top of the class
7 women get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8 women can marry rich and then not have to work
9 women never have to pay when they go out on dates
10 men take women on all expense paid trips - all women have to do is sleep with them
11 men light cigarettes for women
12 men hold the door open for women
13 women pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14 women are cuter
15 women lie better
16 women are better manipulators
17 women always end up sleeping in the bed when they fight with their other halves - men get the couch
18 women always have food in the fridge
19 when women cook, it doesnt precede a trip to the ER or a visit from the fire dept
20 women always get to choose the movie
21 women don't have to mow the lawn
22 women don't have to take out the garbage
23 women don't have to paint the house or walls
24 PMS - yet another excuse to bitch at men
25 cosmopolitan
26 women can con their way out of anything - not just dig themselves deeper into a hole
27 men unlock the womans side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold
28 PMS is a legal defense for murder
29 men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over them forever
30 women can masturbate more in a day than men
31 2 words - multi orgasmic
32 women don't have to constantly adjust their genitals
33 sweat is sexy on women
34 somene never run out of excuses
35 guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but women could be having it that often
36 doggie style - that way women get to watch the game too
37 women get expensive jewelery as gifts that they NEVER have to give back
38 women get candy, flowers and jewelery all the time cuz men fuck up so often
39 women can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
40 women are cleaner
41 women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you men didn't know)
42 women are better arguers
43 women don't always have to think with their genitals
44 massage!!!!
45 women are better parents
46 women never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47 there's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48 women are flexible
49 when women get pissed they don't destroy property or hurt people - they just take it out on the world in general because they can
50 menopause - thank god women not capable of having children after they are 50
51 menstruation - just another excuse to use so they can say "no" to sex
52 men in uniform
53 there is no penis envy
54 women can just roll over and go to sleep after they masturbate because there's no messy clean-up
55 it generally takes women less to get drunk
56 women have a higher tolerance to pain
57 women often get to cut in line
58 most women actually look good in short shorts - men DONT
59 better tips
60 women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
61 women have mastered civilized eating - they don't embarass their friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62 women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank god for long pants and perfume!
63 women can connive men into doing their homework, writing their papers or carrying their books anytime they want
64 women don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65 women don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66 men will pay women for sex
67 smoking the seeds in marijuana doesnt make women sterile
68 women can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69 men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but women can have sex with an entire football team at once if they want
70 men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71 women sweat less
72 women smell better
73 when women make their boyfriends mad, they don't have to waste money on flowers or cards - a blowjob and sex fixes all
74 men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75 women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76 women have three accessible holes
77 they don't get embarassed when buying tampons
78 women are better gossips
79 women have better fasion sense
80 women are better shoppers
81 women don't have to make fools out of themselves to impress a man
82 women's friends don't pick on them if we arent sleeping with anyone
83 men don't know what womens 'girl talk' is all about
84 women are all sittin on a gold mine - they know it and use it to their extreme advantage
85 women don't have to drive when on a date
86 an ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just fucked
87 women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
88 women know how fake it
89 women look better naked
90 women know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91 when women are short, they're petite, when men are short, they're just short
92 women do less time for violent crime
93 women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94 an oblong vegetable is all women need for a good time any night
95 womens conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96 women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97 women never have to see combat
98 the remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99 women are sexier
100 women can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY they want it!
Subject: Things You'll Never Hear a Redneck Say:
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
We're vegetarians.
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Who's Richard Petty?
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Subject: Why A Man Can't Win:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don't, you are a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don't, you are unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don't, you are a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don't, you are not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up on yourself.
If you don't, you are not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you are oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
Subject: TEN REASONS WHY STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!
10. Can usually find someone to do it with you.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. Can finish early without feeling guitly.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry who else has opened that book.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night
5. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation of being a "book teaser".
4. You can do it, watch tv, and scarf popcorn all at the same time.
3. Don't mind if your folks interrupt you in the middle.
2. Don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you're not too sure what you are doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being French.
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
3. You get to eat disgusting food like snails and frog's legs
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street
10. People think you're a great lover even though you're not
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being American.
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still hold elected office
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth
11. When you're not
12. At all
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being English.
1. Two World Wars and one World Cup doo-dah doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh
11. Or Scottish
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being Italian.
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 A.D.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being Spanish.
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being Irish.
1. Guinness
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with
8. Stew
9. More Guinness
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being Canadian.
1. It beats being an American
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being Australian.
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket, even though you don't understand the rules either
5. Tact and sensitivity
6. Bondi Beach
7. Other beaches
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drinking some cold lager on the beach
Subject: The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug":
15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops,too late.
8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "Party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley"
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.
Subject: TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE...
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" And the number one reason God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that"
Subject: Top 10 Signs your "Baby" is too old for Breastfeeding.
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
Subject: Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce Ehud Barak: 10. Internet Stock
9. Argyle Sock
8. Barakman Turner Overdrive
7. Furry Ewok
6. Ehuddi Wan Kenobi
5. Chewbaraka
4. Ehuddi and the Barakfish
3. Johan Sebastian Barak
2. Netanyahu Got Rocked
1. Bob Barker
Subject: Top Ten Hanukkah Holiday movie rentals. 10. The Rocky Hora Picture Show
9. Yenta in a Blue Dress
8. Rabbi Scissorhands
7. Seven - but for you, 6.50
6. Matzo Impossible
5. Goy Story
4. Mensch and Menschability
3. The Mirror Has Two Faces - but for you, 1-3/4
2. The Hunchback of Temple Beth Israel
and, for the second year in a row, number
1. Prelude to a Briss
Subject: Top Ten Siddur Personalities. 10.Billy Resihis and his cousin, Billy Tachlis
9. Asher Yatzar
8. Moe Dim
7. Jose Shalom
6. Alan Nissim
5. Sue She'arim
4. Roz Sodecha
3. Harvey Chenu
2. Sym Shalom (a really educated davener)
1. Annie Zemiros
Subject: Top Ten Jewish Mixed Drinks. from www.bangitout.com. 10. Shirley Temple Emanuel
9. Babba Kamma-kazi
8. Blackhat Russian
7. Kahuna and Cream
6. Fuzzy Navel V'Kinor
5. Shomer-Sangria
4. Long Island Wisotsky Tea
3. Tefillah Slurrer
2. Purim and Joke
1. Shas on the Beach
Subject: Top Ten Ways You Know the M'shulach (Charity Collector) is Probably not Legit: 10. He asks if you can catch him up on the latest episode of Will and Grace
9. You can vaguely make out a Hooters Logo underneath his white shirt
8. His cell phone has the J-Lo "Jenny From The Block" ring
7. Two Words: Detachable Payos
6. His Rabbi's Endorsement Letter is covered in excessive white-out and pizza stains
5 When you ask if his charity is tax deductible he responds, "Fo' shizzle, ma nizzle!"
4. He tells you to make your checks payable to Congregation "Ahavas Kesef"
3. He is dressed in a bekesha, streimel, gartel and brand new pair of Nike-Shox
2. He has formal business cards made up
1. He's wearing a Santa Suit
Subject: Top Ten Sons left out of the Passover Seder. 10. The "30-year-old-still-single" Son, If he would just get a date, Dayienu
9. The Brovender's Daughter just home for Pesach, ready to prove she's smarter than all 4 sons put together
8. The Alcoholic Son, "Can we get a little more wine in this Charoset please?"
7. The "Watching TV during the 2nd Seder" Son, who just announced he is making aliyah (after learning the NHL playoffs conflict)
6. The Moshav Granola Son, who finds the murdering of innocent parsley stalks offensive
5. The "Scummy" Son, who is so bad that yeshivish girls can't help but find him attractive
4. The "Fallen off the face of the Planet" Son, nobody knows where he has been but always shows up for the holidays with new facial hair
3. The Feminine Son, who asks "Does anyone mind if I sing Mah Nishtana to the tune of Rent?" (Why is my son different from all other sons?)
2. The "I love long D'var Torahs so that I can brag to my friends how late my seder went" Son
1. The South Beach Sun
Subject: 25 Things you should have learned by Middle Age. 1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life isserious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Subject: TOP TEN Things my bubbe did on Thanksgiving. 10. Ask anyone watching football why they'd care about a bunch of grubbe shgotzim running around like vilde chayas
9. Pour about 8 cups of oil on some old challah and call it stuffing
8. Three words - sweet potato knishes
7. Ask why anyone would want to put a tasteless vegetable like pumpkin in a pie when there are perfectly decent fruits like apples, cherries and blueberries in this world
6. Watch the parade and marvel at how "attractive" that Katie Couric was, even with all her tzuris, nebach
5. Claim that a nice salami sandwich on rye was an absolutely acceptable pre-dinner "sneck"
4. Swear to her daughters and granddaughters that her rugelach were absolutely permissible on Weight Watchers
3. Slip each of her grandchildren a $20, making each one promise not to tell Zaidy, who would later slip each a $10
2. Bless this country, to which she would be forever grateful for providing her with asylum from Nazis, a comfortable life, and a Jacuzzi, never mind indoor plumbing
1. Finish doing the dishes and start all over again, cooking for Shabbos
Subject: Top 10 Reasons Jews don't Celebrate Halloween. 10. It's only a month after succah-hopping and a Jewish mother would never let her kid be such a schnorrer again so soon.
9. Jewish kids get home too late from Yeshiva and have too much homework to go trick-or-treating. And it's hard to get out of mishmar.
8. How can you waste perfectly good eggs on a "trick"?
7. Jewish kids would never be satisfied with a "fun-sized" chocolate bar. And what's so damn fun about 2 bites of chocolate anyway? Remember those huge candy bars you could get at Hershey Park? Now that's what I call fun sized!
6. Orange really does not look good against our Semitic skin.
5. Jews don't eat pumpkin. They just don't. (note: Butternut Squash or Tzimmes is as fluorescent as we get)
4. We are haunted by guilt, not ghosts.
3. Jews have Purim, anyway. And I'll take booze over candy any day.
2. Rugelach and apple strudel don't travel well in those plastic jack-o-lanterns.
1. We just scare way too easily.
Subject: Top Ten Ways You Know the Trick Or Treater who just came to your door was a Religious Jew. 10. Before eating candy, he looks closely at rapper for hashgacha
9. Seems to have an impeccable resemblance to the candy man in your shul
8. Keeps tripping on the tzitzit strings attached to corners of his ghost costume
7. He eats candy immediately. When asked where his candy bag is, he says "he doesn't carry"
6. Asks only for a treat, then talmudically reasons "What, I should ask for a trick?"
5. His grandmother escorting him says goodbye with a guttural "Cchhhappy Chhhalloween"
4. When you give him peanut chews, he sighs, "phew, only Dairy Equipment"
3. Instead of saying trick or treat, holds out a laminated paper that says he needs candy for his daughters wedding
2. Claims his bekesha and striemel are part of his "Amish theme" costume
1. He is holding a gragger.
Subject: Top Ten Ways you know you're Leaving Early on Fridays. 10. The coffee stand guy from the corner of 96th and Amsterdam is still there when you come home
9. You naturally respond to coworkers' "Good morning" with "hava good weekend!"
8. You hit AM rush hour traffic on the return trip
7. Your coworkers are leaving for early lunch, you are leaving for early dinner
6. Your wakeup alarm is still going off when you come home
5. You confidentially tell coworkers sunset time is always 18 minutes after the boss gets in
4. After a tough day at work on Friday you relax by watching The View
3. Upset when "Morning meeting" conflicts with bus departure times
2. Your leaving and your 2hr parking meter still has time left on it
1. It's Tuesday
Subject: Top Ten Signs You are Assimilating during the Holiday Season. from www.bangitout.com. 10. You find yourself singing Shir Hamalos to the tune of Jingle Bells.
9. "Havdala on egg nog?' is a completely valid halachic question"
8. Your kids ask the shul's fat yeshivish candyman for a brand new bike
7. Office christmas tree has at least one or two of your Succah decorations hanging on it
6. You call kugel, "Holiday Soufflé" and rugalach "Fruit Cake"
5. Mistletoe posted next to your Mezuzah
4. You call getting a date at Stern College, "Miracle on 34th St"
3. "B'nai Matisyahu HaKO-HO-HO-Hain"
2. You check the back of Artscroll siddur to see if you say tachnun on New Years
1. You pay retail
Subject: Top Ten of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship. 10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
Subject: Top Ten Things Jews Do on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. 1) Laugh at all of the people trying to get to the mall to buy last minute presents. Come on! Christmas falls on December 25th every year. Its not like Jewish holidays that are always early or late.
2) Go to the movies.
3) Plan our after Christmas deep discount bargain hunting shopping spectacular.
4) Order in Chinese food.
5) Gamble with our driedels and try to win back all of the Hanukkah gelt (money)/pennies/pretzel sticks/peanuts, etc., we already lost -- double or nothing anyone?
6) Watch The Christmas Story over and over and over and over and over and over and over again during the 24 hour showing on TNT while eating our Chinese food. Hey kid -- your gonna shoot your eye out!
7) Leave out latkes (potato pancakes) and peach schnapps in case Santa needs a break and wants something a little stronger than milk and cookies.
8) Go to 7-11 to stock up on Entenmann's cakes, soda, and Haagen Dazs because we are tired of eating Chinese food.
9) Make fun of the Yule log on the television but watch it for hours anyway trying to decide if it's really burning or not.
10) Wish good health, joy, and a very Merry Christmas to our gentile friends who sit in front of dead trees and eat candy from socks.
Subject: Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary. 10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.
9. Today is our what?
8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
7. I thought we only celebrated important events?
6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.
4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
Subject: Top ten differences between spring cleaning and Pesach cleaning. 1- In spring cleaning, you use the same set of dishes.
2- Spring cleaning doesn't usually evoke comparisons to being enslaved by Pharaoh.
3- Spring cleaning is a leisurely activity.
4- Spring cleaning doesn't involve cooking enough food to feed an army.
5- Chametz is allowed during spring cleaning.
6- Schools don't have "Spring Cleaning Vacation".
7- Spring cleaning isn't a mitzvah.
8- You only do spring cleaning if you feel like it.
9- You don't need to lock off your pantry during spring cleaning
And last, but not least. . . .
10- Spring cleaning doesn't lead up to a seder.
Subject: Top 10 ways you know you are at the "Kosher Circus". 10. A family of 8 cuts across center ring to get to their seats which are "right over there".
9. When the crowd erupts in cheers, you don't have to worry about popcorn on your lap as much as crumbled lady fingers and rainbow cake.
8. More people pile out of the cars pulling up to the garden than the clown car (actually happened to the amazement/laughter of a cop)
7. People bargain at the concession stands.
6. Instead of "being ripped off" by buying circus flashlights at the garden, people bring their own and attempt to outdo the other until the high wire acrobat is blinded by someone's 18V Mag light.
5. During the intermission, the only 2 conversations being held by the 20,000 attendees is whether the Rabbonim had "a right to say this was assur" and "how much it costs to do this"
4. Passing a drink down to another member of the family means passing the pump urn (actually happened!!)
3. The kids are fascinated more by the cops on horses outside the Garden than the act and animals inside. (Actually happened!)
2. When a member of the audience is called into the center ring to participate in the clown act, he gets onto his cell phone in middle to tell his friends at home what's going on. (actually happened!)
1. When it's over, instead of applauding the show, everyone says in unison "that's it? it's over? For this I could have stayed home".
Subject: Top Ten Famous Quotations That Would Have Been Radically Different If Their Speakers Had Been Jewish. 10. Spock: "Ad meia v'esrim, and prosper!"
9. Dr. Seuss: "Do you like green eggs and lox?"
8. Ernest L. Thayer: "But there is no joy in Mudville/Mighty Casey is fehkehrt."
7. John Lennon: "We're more popular than Yushke now..."
6. Mae West: "Is that a pistol in your pocket? Would you like maybe a Danish?"
5. Polonius: "Neither a borrower nor a lender--you listen to your father when he talks to you!!"
4. Regis Philbin: "Is that ken eina hara your answer?"
3. Mohammed Ali: "When you come to the fight/Don't block the halls/And don't block the door/For y'all may go home/After round four/Im yirtze Hashem."
2. Winston Churchill: "We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender, b'li neder."
1. Mark Twain: "The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between kedusha and kedaisha."
Subject: Top Ten things your Bubbe would consider Anti-Semitic. 10. Not enough cream cheese spread on your bagel
9. Any speeding ticket given on erev shabbos
8. Supermarket not excepting expired 2 for 1 coupon
7. Restaurants not giving seconds on free bread
6. Restaurants not giving enough fortune cookies
5. Being made to wait on line at the post office/DMV/passport place
4. Having milchig shabbos meals
3. Being cut in line at the supermarket checkout
2. Jury duty
1. Anyone who does not want to date her granddaughter
Subject: Top Ten Benching Pet Peeves. 10. Awkward silence as the host carefully chooses who should lead the mizuman by eliminating those who he knows can't read Hebrew
9. Using Wedding tune for Shir Hama'alos at a singles meal
8. All eyes locked on each person washing Mayim Achronim -- ensuring someone will spill it, or even worse, use it all up before everyone gets to wash
7. Getting called to lead the mizuman precisely when you realize you can't find the page in the1984 Chassidish wedding bentcher you got
6. Screwing up this part of "Baal Habayis/Baalos Habayis/Baleei Habayis /Kohanim/Rebbeim/.Apikorsim.. Kol Hamiubim Kahn"
5. People who shush people for benching out loud as a group
4. Repeating the Nay Nay Nay Nay Nay Nay for a 6th time after a 4 hour meal
3. After benching and thanking Hashem, forgetting to thank host
2. When the heck was this salute to your host Yehee Ratzhon stuff added? I can't read Hebrew out loud!
1. Shabbos Menucha, Shabbos Menucha, Shabbos Menucha... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Calgon, take me away
Subject: Top ten people you always run into at the Israeli Day Parade. 10. Kahane Chai Dude - decked out in tzitzits & gym tank top who enjoys giving out pamphlets about a militant Jewish group protecting Israel, in Moncey.
9. The Seventh Grade rabbi - Whose overbearing personality single-handedly helped you come to conclusion that there is no G-d.
8. Your Ex-girlfriend - And her new husband and child.
7. The 3rd Date - Couple who awkwardly walks together and hopes they run into others so they wont have to talk to each other
6. High-school Principal - Adorning the school t-shirt over shabbos shirt & tie.
5. Superfrum Guy - Once frum, now off the derech, walking hand-in-hand with gentile Asian super model and her Chiwawa
4. Palestinian Protestors - All 8 of them will make it on the cover of the NY times
3. Guy who sweats - not sure who he is, but his wool tzitis are making you glad you used Dial
2. The Guy who is walking the exact route you are at the exact pace - Damn I hate that guy!
1. Person who spends entire day looking for someone else - Trust me, it ain't you.
Subject: Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year. 10. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
7. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
6. No more downloads from alt.binaries.?
5. I resolve to back up my new 4 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps.
4. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
3. I will read the manual.
2. I will think of a password other than "password."
and the number one Resolution you won't keep this year...
1. When I subscribe to a mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it religiously.
Subject: Top 10 Things to do to Telemarketers! 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye - and Hang up.
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
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Movies Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story.
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