Subject: Parrot. One day a man went to an auction.
While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Subject: Cruise Parrot. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Subject: Guard Parrot. This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT!
He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch.
He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch.
He opens the gate and walks into the garden.
He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"
Subject: Bad Influence Parrot. This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" inquired the priest.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" responded the woman.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
"Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
Subject: Christmas Parrot. A woman visited her pet shop to buy a rare Christmas parrot.
The pet shop owner explained that the strings attached to it's legs were to signal it to sing.
By pulling on the left string, the parrot sang Jingle Bells.
By pulling on the right string, the parrot sang White Christmas.
The woman asked "what would happen if I pulled both strings at once?"
The parrot replied "I'd fall of my perch!"
Subject: Entertaining Parrot. A man went into a pub and said to the landlord "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots"
"Oh yes" says the landlord "how are you going to do that?"
The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard.
"That's amazing" says the landlord "have you got anything else?"
The man gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar.
The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti.
Everyone in the pub is amazed and stay all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot.
The landlord is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks.
The man shook his head. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the landlord.
"OK, I'll sell you the parrot for 50 pounds" the man says.
The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing next to the man who owned the hamster said "You're a bit stupid selling that clever parrot for only fifty pounds"
"No I'm not" the man replied "the hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!
Subject: Another Parrot Joke. On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.
He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "and get me another whisky you bitch!"
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now, bitch, or I'll give you a slap".
Next moment both he and the parrot were wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "for someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"
Subject: Another Parrot Joke. A burglar broke into a house and was skulking as silently as he could when he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching".
He stopped dead in his tracks and listened.
A minute went by and he heard nothing, so he started to move again. "Jesus is watching", came the voice in the dark.
His eyes were adjusting to the light and he noticed a cage in the corner containing a parrot.
"Was that you talking bird?"
The parrot said "yes"
"What's your name little bird?"
"Clarence", the parrot said.
"Clarence? who would name a bird Clarence?" , the burglar laughed.
The parrot said, "The same person who named the rottweiller Jesus"!
Subject: A horny parrot. A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative.
The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors Turkeys and rushes back home before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing.
The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head....
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws his neighbors turkeys again.
The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head....
The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine ... "Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right".
And then two bald guys walk in and he says, "And you two Turkies up on the piano with me"
Subject: Another Parrot Joke. A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500.00".
"Why does that one cost so much?" asked the shopper.
The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot and was told that this one costs $1,000.00 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly started man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000.00.
Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"
Subject: A pet store. This guy walks into a pet store. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell him what goes on at his house during the day while he is at work.
'Well' says the pet store owner, 'I only got one bird that can do that, but he's got no legs. The guy looks at him and says, 'Well if he ain't got no legs, how's he balance himself on the perch.
'He's got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch.' The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot.
He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the perch for balance.
Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Every time the same answer, 'Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk'.
Well, one day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. 'Raawk, big happenings, Raawk, big happenings'.
'Well, what happened?' asks the man. The parrot responds, 'Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt.
'And, and, then what happens?' asks the man really upset. 'Raawk, I don't know, that's when I got a woody and fell off my perch!'
Subject: Walking to work. A lady was walking to work and she saw a parrot in a cage in front of the pet store.
The parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot who once again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, she was incredibly ticked now!
The next day she saw the parrot and it said to her, yet again, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue them and kill that damned bird...
The store manager said, "I am so sorry, ma'am," and promised the parrot wouldn't say it again.
The next day, the lady walked past the store after work and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady..."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The parrot said, "You know."
Subject: Sassy Parrot. David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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