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| JOKES - Irish Jokes |
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Subject: Paddy was in New York.
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Subject: The Preachers & the Bear.
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of a very large college campus that shall remain unnamed. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop"?
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear?
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it?
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience?
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first?
"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimore Chatecism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip?
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers... you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him?
The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
Subject: Irish Jew.
A Dublin Jew, who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march, is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death. A priest, who happens to be at the march, takes the man in his arms and says?
"Do you believe in G-d the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
The Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says, "Here I am dying, and he asks me riddles!"
Subject: Top 10 reasons for being Irish?
1. Guinnes?
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptive?
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's roa?
4. Pubs never clos?
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom o?
6. No one can ever remember the night befor?
7. Kill people you don't agree wit?
8. Ste?
9. More Guinnes?
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Subject: Irish Virus.
Top o' the mornin' to you?
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS"?
Being Irish, we don't have too much programming experience, so this virus works on the honour system?
Please manually delete all the files on your hard drive and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list?
Thank you for your co-operation?
Paddy
Subject: Quickies!
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish?
Subject: Irish Gag.
An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting?
"What's up?" he says?
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman?
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor?
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Subject: Irish.
Paddy had been stranded on the deserted island for two years?
Then one afternoon a lifeboat drifted close enough for him to swim to it and drag it on the beach, where he knocked it to bits and made a raft?
There was a power failure in a Dublin department store?
Thousands of shoppers were stranded on the escalators for hours?
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty?
Have you heard about the Irish parachute ?
It opens on impact?
Did you hear about the Irishman who fired an arrow into the air ?
He missed?
What do you do if an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you ?
Pull out the pin and throw it back ?
Did you hear about the failed Irish attempt to climb Mt. Everest ?
They ran out of scaffolding?
Why don't Irish people eat pickles?
Because they can't get their heads into the jars?
How can you tell the Irish submarine?
It's the one with the flyscreens and deckchair?
Did you hear about the Irishman who wanted personalized number plates on his car?
He changed his name to 'XYZ 729'?
Why did the Irishman leave the empty milk carton in the fridge?
Just in case someone wanted a black coffee?
How do you get a one-armed Irishman down from a pole?
Wave to him?
Why did the Irishman fall out of the tree?
He was raking leaves and lost his footing.
Subject: Smart Men!
The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer..?
The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive..?
The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...
Subject: An Irishman.
An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guiness that never gets empty?
"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle?
The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes?
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guiness bottle" he asks the Genies?
"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
Subject: Three Pints of Guiness.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn?
When he finished them, he comes back into to the bar and orders three more?
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in American, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there?
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn?
One day, he comes in and orders two pints?
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent?
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs?
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
Subject: OLIVES.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave?
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Subject: Job Application.
A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department Manager?
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions?
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't know"?
You put down "Neither do I."
Subject: I been robbed.
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies?
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see?
He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD.... they got me girlfriend too!!"
Subject: IRA.
A Texas Aggie joined the IRA (Irish Republican Army), and his first assignment was to blow up a bus?
He almost succeeded but burned his mouth on the tailpipe.
Subject: A Blessing.
Here's an old Irish blessing?
May those that love us, love us?
And those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts?
And if God can't turn their hearts, let Him turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
Subject: World experience.
So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention?
"And you are...?" St. Peter asks?
"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman?
"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan...you're a member of the Irish Republican Army."
"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin?
"You blew up that pub in London!"
"Yeh."
"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland."
"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply?
St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!"
"Let me in, Hell!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out!"
Subject: The earthworm.
Did you hear the one about the Irish earthworm?
He was found dead inside a brick.
Subject: An Irish joke.
Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section?
Sean says to Pat "Dats dem"?
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yea , we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage up dere" says Sean?
"Put dem in a peerper bag"?
The clerk does and the two guys leave the shop. They get into Sean's van and drive for two hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a cliff with a 500 foot drop?
"Dis look loike a good place, eh?" says Sean?
"Oh yea, dis look good" replies Pat.They flip a coin and Sean wins the toss?
"Hail fockin Mary, I guess I get to go first, eh boy?" says Sean?
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Pat watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'?
As Pat looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says?
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me !"
Subject: Irish Electrician.
Did you hear about the Irish electrician who was called into the local prison to fix the electric chair?
After about 2 hours in there he came out and said "Blimey, I'm not touching that thing. It's a f... deathtrap!!"
Subject: Jimmy, David and Tom.
Jimmy the Irishman, David the Polish man and Tom the German visited a strip joint?
The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a g-string?
David (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her ass cheek?
Tom (trying to show up David) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other ass cheek?
Jimmy pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet.
Subject: Irish.
What is Irish and stays outside?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Subject: Two Irishmen.
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth?
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished?
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Subject: The Irish.
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty?
"Hello," said the Father,"And how is Mrs. O'Donovan?
Didn't I marry you two years ago?"
She replied "That you did Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she?
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father." And away she went?
Several years later they met again?
"Well now, Mrs.O'Donovan," said the Father, "How are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she?
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome............to blow out your candle!"
Subject: The Preachers & the Bear.
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of a very large college campus that shall remain unnamed. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop"?
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear?
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it?
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience?
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first?
"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimore Chatecism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip?
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers... you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him?
The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
Subject: How To Get Into The Olympics.
An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying?
The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation?
The other two see this and are amazed. The Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also?
The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."
Subject: Mother Superior.
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying?
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable?
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk?
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop?
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
Subject: The First Blonde Guy Joke.
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building?
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage,and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well?
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife?
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Subject: Irish Shopping.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave?
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin", said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Subject: Sins of the Flesh.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house?
"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work?
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him?
"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door?
"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!!"
Subject: We Have Always Done It This Way.
The U.S. Standard Railroad Gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Now that's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that particular gauge used?
As it turns out, because that's the way they built them in Jolly Olde England, and English expatriates and Irish labourers built the US Railroads?
So why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used?
Why did they use that gauge?
Because the folks who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which happened to use that particular wheel spacing. Retooling was expensive?
Now, why did the wagons have that particular, odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel-ruts -about 4 feet, 8.5 inches?
Who built those old, rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe and England, for their Legions. These roads have been used ever since?
How did the ruts form in these roads?
Roman war chariots dug the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in wheel spacing?
So the United States standard railroad gauge is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot, and bureaucracies live forever?
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's butt came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses?
Now a twist to this story….?
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRB's had to fit through the tunnel, but the tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track as you know is about as wide as two horse's behinds?
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of two horse' butts?
And you thought being a horse's butt wasn't important!
Subject: Irish Priest in Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside?
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this?
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment?
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Subject: An Irish Daughter?
An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years?
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute."
"Ye what??! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad?
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, dad!... sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Subject: One For St Patricks Day?
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet?
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS?
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded... "I'll tell you though, bi-jaesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" the doctor said?
"No, from f**kin' skippin!!!", the Irishman said.
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