 Apartment.
Polish Sausage.
Thinking.
Getting married.
Pre-med.
The Hunter.
A Drink of Water.
Selling Newspapers.
Schwartz.
Forgot.
Irish Virus.
Smarter.
Intelligence.
To Annoy People at the Library.
Three Little Pigs.
Bad Day.
Fan Club.
Air Controllers.
Jewelry.
Virus Warnings Back in History.
Now You Know Why.
Dihydrogen Monoxide.
Hunting.
Quickies!
Eye Poke.
Gold.
Proved!
Viagra.
Married Bliss...
Heaven.
Red O Dare.
Irish Gag.
With an R.
Frank!
A Frenchman.
Puzzles.
Coughing...
Tombstones.
The Techno Terms Dictionary.
Jerry Lewis.
Broom Factory.
At the Mexican Border.
Accountant Jokes.
Shorts.
Sperm.
The Happiest Day of Your Life.
Dolly Parton Shocked.
Today's Stock Market Report.
Can't Win.
Good Place To Eat.
Irish.
Ordering A Beer.
Two Eyes.
The Sign.
The "Millennium Bug".
The Accident.
Downloads!
Rosa & Tony.
Texan Baby.
Smart Men!
Husband's Best Friend.
At Your Service!!!
New Car Radio.
Husband & Wife.
New England Cricket Captain.
Does This Remind You Of...
Q & A.
King Arthur's Key.
What Is It?
Army Major.
Money Isn't Everything.
Think!
A Scotsman.
Dictionary Definition of Windows '95.
Quasimodo.
Research.txt.
The Bike.
Hunting for Ducks.
Church Bulletins.
Can't Barbie Get Pregnant?
Three Men.
The Square Root.
How to Write a College Paper.
Jackson, McCartney & Jagger.
Tips on Home Protection.
Goin' Fishing.
Actual Newspaper Headlines.
The Speech.
Hmm???
A Dog Walks Into a Butcher Shop.
How Many Children.
Three Mice.
Pierre.
Adam & Eve.
Golf Anyone?
The Square Root.
Monday Blues.
This Guy.
Musician Jokes.
Roses.
This is from a Husband to a Wife.
Bad Memory.
Driving Nuns.
Two guys.
In the Middle of a Forest.
Chaim Rabinovitz.
The Frog.
Sad Story.
Considerate Wives.
Another Merger.
Pictures.
British-French-Russian.
Corker.
Fur.
A Traveller.
An Actual Trial.
The College Professor.
Practice Your ABC's.
Tips from the Pro.
Natural Highs.
The Penis.
3 Japs & a Waitress.
Not Your Day.
Magic Mirror.
21st Birthday.
IRS.
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 Top
Subject: Apartment.
Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
Top
Subject: Polish Sausage.
A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??"
The clerk says "Well, no..."
With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."
Top
Subject: Thinking.
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Top
Subject: Getting married.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Top
Subject: Pre-med.
At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school." replied the professor.
Top
Subject: The Hunter.
A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
Top
Subject: A Drink of Water.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Top
Subject: Selling Newspapers.
Little Morris was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, Extra! Extra! "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
Morris just ignored him and went on, calling out, EXTRA.. "Read all about it....EXTRA... Fifty-one people swindled!"
Top
Subject: Schwartz.
Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.
He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."
Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"
Top
Subject: Forgot.
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
Top
Subject: Irish Virus.
Top o' the mornin' to you.
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish, we don't have too much programming experience, so this virus works on the honour system.
Please manually delete all the files on your hard drive and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Paddy
Top
Subject: Smarter.
A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Morris. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. ...You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."
Top
Subject: Intelligence.
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Top
Subject: To Annoy People at the Library.
A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...
1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.
2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.
3. While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"
4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say "Ooo. Nice book." or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.
5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You're one of THEM!"
6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"
7. Read your book. Upside down.
8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.
9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.
10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."
11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.
12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced déjà vu and amnesia at the same time?"
13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."
14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (") and I'm really glad to meet you."
15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.
16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.
17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.
18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"
19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"
20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"
21. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.
22. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
23. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."
24. Spell every single word as you read it.
25. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.
26. Act like you're picking your nose. And eating it.
27. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.
28. Sneeze a lot.
29. Hold your book right next to your eyes.
30. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
31. Stand up, and continue reading.
32. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.
33. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.
34. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.
35. Ask them, "Got milk?"
36. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.
37. Fall out of your seat, then say, "I meant to do that." Then do it again. And again.
38. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.
39. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.
40. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you're attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.
41. Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.
42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.
43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.
44. Put down your book, then say, "Hey, ya wanna trade?"
45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, "IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!"
46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, "I know what you did last summer."
47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.
48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you're out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.
49. Start singing "This is the song that never ends. . ."
50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.
51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, "I took singing lessons!"
52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, "Hey! How ya doin'? That's great, me too."
53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!
54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, "I have mail!!"
55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, "I measure sock by thickness!"
56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.
57. State proudly that you have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.
58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.
59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, "What do you mean?"
60. Say, "It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird." When they ask, "What?" say, "Ohh, sorry. I'm back now."
61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, "Never mind."
62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, "BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. . ."
63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, "Your just jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!!!"
64. Say, "Who's Freddie?" Then act like you didn't say anything.
65. Say, "Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!"
66. Introduce your self by saying, "Hi! I'd like a hamburger, and a green South America please." When they ask what your problem is, say, "Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I'm sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!" and run off.
67. Continuously rub a book while chanting, "Come out, come out. I know you're in there!" When they ask what you're doing, say, "I'm calling the book genie out!"
68. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, "Will you sign my autograph?!?" Make sure you say MY.
69. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you're doing, say happily, "I'm roosting!"
70. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you're doing, say, "I'm counting my brain cells!"
71. Stick a 'kick me' sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.
72. Repeat every thing they say to you.
73. Ask them, "Have you ever had an orange juice bath?" When they look at you strangely, say, "What?"
74. Look up suddenly and yell, "Ohh no!" When they ask you what happened, say, "Nothing." Then do it again.
75. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, "Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!"
76. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, "Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!"
77. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.
78. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.
79. Say to him/her, "You have the right to remain silent!"
80. Pat your stomach and say, "Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well."
81. Get a child's book like "Green Eggs and Ham" and complain that there is no glossary.
82. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, "Wow! Did you know that 'affirmative' and 'yes' mean the same thing?"
83. Say, "Omph" like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, "What? How'd this stain get here?" while motioning to the ketchup.
Top
Subject: Three Little Pigs.
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"
The third piggy says -- "Well, somebody has to go
'Wee, wee, wee,' all the way home."
Top
Subject: Bad Day.
Rather than send everyone an attachment file of your typical bad day, it is ready at:
downloads.htm
Top
Subject: Fan Club.
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Top
Subject: Air Controllers.
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.
They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
Top
Subject: Jewelry.
Mrs. Squiffy decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant. In case I should die before my husband.
I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
Top
Subject: Virus Warnings Back in History.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT!
Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Top
Subject: Now You Know Why.
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St Peter and told him of his decision. He told St Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure.
The Lord said he would call this being woman.
So St Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man.
When St Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St Peter, once again you have done an excellent job", said The Lord.
"Thank You, O Great One" replied St Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter O Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's", said The Lord.
"The nerve endings, said St Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, O Mighty One", replied St Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman", said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet", enquired St Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, O Mighty One", replied St Peter.
"Ah yes, these being are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having less nerve endings there, do the same for woman", said The Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals", enquired St Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord.
"Yes, O Lord", said St Peter.
"No, wait.", said The Lord. "Damn it, give her ten thousand, I want her to scream out my name!"
Top
Subject: Dihydrogen Monoxide.
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
Top
Subject: Hunting.
A Newfie is invited to his friend's cottage for the weekend, to hunt.
The first night, they stay up until the wee hours, drinking and playing cards.
The next morning, the Newfie is raring to go, of course, but his Ontarian host is much the worse for wear. After finding himself unable to even face a cup of coffee, the host finally says "I just can't do it, I'm too hung over.
Tell you what, you take my gun and my dogs and go out hunting by yourself."
Much to his surprise, the Newfie is back in less than an hour. "What happened???" the host asks.
"Ran out of dogs..." answers the Newfie.
Top
Subject: Quickies!
What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
The top of her head.
Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
The blonde - she is eighteen.
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.
It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in eight flavors.
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
Why do mice have such tiny balls?
Because so very few of them can dance.
Why don't Canadians have group sex?
Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. Now I'm wondering how he found out.
Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.
Why don't you hit a car driven by a Black guy?
It's probably yours.
How do we know Adam was white?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a Black man?
Did you hear about the Black guy and the Mexican who opened a restaurant?
It's called Nacho Mama.
What do you get when you cross two Black people?
Your ass kicked!
What's black, blue, red all over, face down in a sewage ditch?
Some idiot who told too many Black jokes.
Top
Subject: Eye Poke.
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting,
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting
"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Top
Subject: Gold.
A certain man had lived a very good life. He had always remained on good terms with God and was blessed in his business.
He was very rich. He knew it was near the end, and he would soon have to die. He did love his money, so he prayed very hard to God to try to make a deal to take it with him into the next world. Of course, everyone reminded him that you can't take it with you. But, he prayed hard, and asked God, "Please, may I take just some of it with me?!"
God remembered how good he had always been, so he listened to his prayer and thought a while. Again, "Please, God, may I bring something of what I own with me when I die?!" God thought some more and replied, "OK. You can bring just one suitcase with you."
The man immediately instructed his servants to fill his largest suitcase with blocks of pure, solid gold.
Later, the man died, and St. Peter met him at the Great Pearly Gates: "What are you bringing? Don't you know that 'you can't take it with you'?" He said, "Oh! I had an agreement with God to be able to bring one suitcase with me."
St. Peter: "Hmmmm... Well, if He said so, I can't disagree with this. Open your suitcase and let me see what you brought."
"What???.....You brought ... PAVEMENT?"
Top
Subject: Proved!
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
(...The student received an "A" in the class.)
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Subject: Viagra.
Police report a large shipment of Viagra was stolen today.
They advise us to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.
Top
Subject: Married Bliss...
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
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Subject: Heaven.
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy.
My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him.
And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
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Subject: Red O Dare.
It was the end of the Gulf war. The arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one arab suggested that they ring 'Red O Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Ireland.
The arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The arab explained the problem with the oil fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy replied: "No problem." The arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great!" said the arab and hung up the phone.
The arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four red haired Paddys comes roaring over the sand dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig rire was out. The four Paddys walked to the arabs and one said..."Jezus... that was rough!"
The arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?"
Paddy replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that f... truck!!"
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Subject: Irish Gag.
An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
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Subject: With an R.
A grade school teacher told the children on the first day of school her name was Miss Prussy. That's pussy with an r in it.
The next day she asked the students her name and no one knew. She told them to remember how she said to remember it.
One little boy stood up and proudly said "Your name is Miss Crunt."
Top
Subject: Frank!
Rather than send everyone an attachment,
have a look at
downloads.htm
for 'Frank' - it has been viral checked and is well worth while!
Also, while there, have a 'smile'.
Top
Subject: A Frenchman, an Italian & a Finn.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Finn in an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Finn remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she says to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
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Subject: Puzzles.
Try your hand at these puzzles, I guarantee that the answers will absolutely explain the questions!
1) The Elder Twin
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday.
How come?
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SOLUTION:
1) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was travelling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or anytime zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.
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2) Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
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SOLUTION:
2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
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3) The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning.
Why did the man not die?
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SOLUTION:
3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
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4) Heaven
A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve.
How did he know?
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SOLUTION:
4) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels.
This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments!
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5) Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
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SOLUTION:
5) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.)
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6) The Man in the Bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
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SOLUTION:
6) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups - so the man no longer needed the water.
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Top
Subject: Coughing...
A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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Subject: Tombstones.
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.
The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.
Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read: HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.
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Subject: The Techno Terms Dictionary.
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
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Subject: Jerry Lewis.
Just heard this live from Jerry Lewis live on concert:
There was this Mexican firefighter whose wife just had twins.
They named the first Hosea and the second Hoseb...
Top
Subject: Broom Factory.
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice that she's going to quit. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, "But why?" He asked.
"Nothing, I just want to quit that's all." She said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a rise."
"No." She said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." Said the girl, she took off her underwear and point to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't got this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!!" The girl cried with a sob, "I can't wait two weeks, I gonna quit now, not only you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
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Subject: At the Mexican Border.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Top
Subject: Accountant Jokes.
What's the definition of an accountant?
- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
- Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
- When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
- His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
- One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an auditor?
- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
- Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
- Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
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Subject: Shorts.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
It's not hard to tell we was poor - when you saw the toilet paper drying on the clothesline.
The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once.
My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
As the golfer trudged towards the 19th hole at the Royal Melbourne, he muttered, "That was my worst game ever." To which the caddy replied, "You mean you've played before?"
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're standing on.
A true music lover is a man who puts his ear to the key hole to listen to a beautiful woman singing in the tub.
Our real world dictionary defines a pessimist as an optimist with experience.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
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Subject: Sperm.
In an ejaculation, a black sperm is being teased because it is black.
The black sperm got angry and told the other white sperms that he will be the first to reach the egg.
So he runs as fast as he can while the others are looking at him.
After two hours the black sperm comes back looking sad and says
"Don't bother, he's gay."
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Subject: The Happiest Day of Your Life.
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
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Subject: Dolly Parton Shocked.
You need a calculator for this next one......
Dolly Parton wants to lose 69 pounds (key in 69) at the cost of $22.00 (key in 22) in 251 days (key in 251).
But after 8 weeks (multiply 6922251 by 8), she was shocked because she was...
Turn the calculator upside down to find out the answer...
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Subject: Today's Stock Market Report.
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond:Has no maturity
* Gore bond:Has no interest
* Clinton bond:Has no principle.
Top
Subject: Can't Win.
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell.
"What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,
"Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut," he said, and dropped her !!!
Top
Subject: Good Place To Eat.
Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch.
One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you. That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'.
They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime." The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?" "No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon."
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Subject: Irish.
Paddy had been stranded on the deserted island for two years.
Then one afternoon a lifeboat drifted close enough for him to swim to it and drag it on the beach, where he knocked it to bits and made a raft.
There was a power failure in a Dublin department store.
Thousands of shoppers were stranded on the escalators for hours.
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
Have you heard about the Irish parachute ?
It opens on impact.
Did you hear about the Irishman who fired an arrow into the air ?
He missed.
What do you do if an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you ?
Pull out the pin and throw it back .
Did you hear about the failed Irish attempt to climb Mt. Everest ?
They ran out of scaffolding.
Why don't Irish people eat pickles?
Because they can't get their heads into the jars.
How can you tell the Irish submarine?
It's the one with the flyscreens and deckchairs
Did you hear about the Irishman who wanted personalized number plates on his car?
He changed his name to 'XYZ 729'.
Why did the Irishman leave the empty milk carton in the fridge?
Just in case someone wanted a black coffee.
How do you get a one-armed Irishman down from a pole?
Wave to him.
Why did the Irishman fall out of the tree?
He was raking leaves and lost his footing.
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Subject: Ordering A Beer.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
Top
Subject: Two Eyes.
Rather than send everyone an attachment, have a look at
downloads.htm
for 'two eyes' (53K) - it has been viral checked and is well worth while!
Top
Subject: The Sign.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------------
| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
| Hand Job: $10.00
---------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Top
Subject: The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug".
15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny... oops, too late!
8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley"
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...
[Drum roll]
1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe under-staffing of fast-food restaurants.
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Subject: The Accident.
A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he read it.
On the paper is written:
As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company.
But I'm not...
Top
Subject: Downloads!
Rather than send everyone an attachment file,
here are 5 more at:
downloads.htm
Want to go to the World Cup?! (246K)
Honesty on the Internet! (101K)
Take a break! (312K)
This is you working in Australia! (4K)
Do this to your screen! (59K)
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Subject: Rosa and Tony.
Rosa and Tony were married for 25 years. Rosa goes to see the Priest.
Father: I'm gonna ask Tony for a Divorce.
Priest asks why.
Rosa explains Tony is hard to get along with. He works constantly. He's a work-aholic.When he's not working he's always picking his nose..always picking his nose.
Finally for twenty-five years he will never let me get on top when we make love. He always,always,always must be on top.
The Priest says he'll talk with Tony. The Priest tells Tony what Rosa said and asks for an explanation.
Tony says Father its all my pappa from the old country. When I left home as a young man my Pappa gave me advice..Pappa said ..Little Tony when you go to America you work. You work real hard. You keepa you nose clean, and most of all don't be a fuck-up..
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Subject: Texan Baby.
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
WOW! From all and congratulations.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
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Subject: Smart Men!
The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...
The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive...
The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...
Top
Subject: Husband's Best Friend.
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours--wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite love. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other. The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice.
"Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with YOU."
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Subject: At Your Service!!!
A priest went into a Washington, D.C. barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked asked how much he owed the barber. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later, a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
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Subject: New Car Radio.
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her car was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country", and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song.
She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll"; the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole!".......as the radio cut over to Rush Limbaugh's talk show.
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Subject: Husband & Wife.
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide.
He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"
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Subject: New England Cricket Captain.
STOP PRESS:
NEW ENGLAND CRICKET CAPTAIN....PAULA YATES
Apparently the only Pom in recent memory to go down under, fuck the Aussies,
and bring back the Ashes.
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Subject: Does This Remind You Of "Anyone" In Particular?
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep, he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So, he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
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Subject: Q & A.
Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.
Q: What's 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.
Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces.
Q: What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.
Q: What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Q: Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
A: She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: What's the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A: About 4 inches.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What's the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.
Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
Q: What's the difference between men and jelly beans?
A: Jelly beans come in different colors.
Q: What do Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
Q: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q: How can you tell if a woman is macho ?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs - only ones coming and ones going.
Q: How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires. (ewwwwwwwww)
Q: What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
A: Wet, Wet, Wet
Q: What's 12 inches long and stiff in the morning?
A: Cot-death.
Q: What do elephants use as tampons?
A: Sheep
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job
Q: Did you hear about the gay guy who got fired from the Sperm Bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job
Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes
Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Two lips on your organ
Q: What is the definition of pure agony ?
A: Fucking a meat mincer!
Q: What's a 68?
A: You do me, and I'll owe you one! (ya right)
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton always climb on top?
A: Because Billy can only fuck up!
Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss
Q: How do you tell if a woman isn't wearing underwear?
A: Look for dandruff on her shoes
Q: What's the ultimate in rejection?
A: When your spanking hand falls asleep
Q: What is organic dental floss?
A:Pubic hair
Q: What are the three greatest lies?
A: a) the check is in the mail.
b) small is beautiful.
c) I won't come in your mouth.
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken?
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: Because it got pissed off.
Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q: What does Old Milwaukee and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
A: They are both fucking close to water!
Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?.
A:Fucks funny!.
Q: What do you call grit in a condom
A: An organ grinder!.
Q: What's green and eats nuts
A: Herpes!
Q: Why is a defense contractor like a hooker?
A: they both charge $ 100 for a screw
Q: How do you fit four gays at a crowded bar?
A: turn the stool upside down
Q: Why was the Polack arrested for indecent exposure?
A: Someone asked him to count to eleven.
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Subject: King Arthur's Key.
King Arthur was preparing to go on a quest to the Holy Land. He called his trusted friend, Sir Lancelot to his side.
Arthur asked him to stay behind and look after his kingdom. They discussed many things that Sir Lancelot must take care of from time to time. Lancelot also stated that he would look after the Queen, Guineve.
Arthur stated that he had a chastity belt made for Guineve and she would wear it until he returned. But, Just in case, I should be killed during this quest, I will leave you, my trusted friend, a key to release her.
Several days went by as the troops assembled and finall |