Subject: Apartment. Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
Subject: Polish Sausage. A guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you: if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??"
The clerk says "Well, no..."
With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."
Subject: Thinking. The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Subject: Getting married. "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Subject: Pre-med. At a pre-med university in St. Louis, we had to take a difficult class in physics. One day the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school." replied the professor.
Subject: The Hunter. A hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?". The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?" said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."
Subject: A Drink of Water. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
Subject: Selling Newspapers. Little Morris was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, Extra! Extra! "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
Morris just ignored him and went on, calling out, EXTRA.. "Read all about it....EXTRA... Fifty-one people swindled!"
Subject: Schwartz. Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.
He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."
Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."
He says, "Speaking!"
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"
Subject: Irish Virus. Top o' the mornin' to you.
You have just received the "IRISH VIRUS".
Being Irish, we don't have too much programming experience, so this virus works on the honour system.
Please manually delete all the files on your hard drive and forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Paddy
Subject: Smarter. A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Morris. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. ...You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."
Subject: Intelligence. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Subject: To Annoy People at the Library. A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...
1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.
2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.
3. While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"
4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say "Ooo. Nice book." or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.
5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You're one of THEM!"
6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"
7. Read your book. Upside down.
8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.
9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.
10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."
11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.
12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced déjà vu and amnesia at the same time?"
13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."
14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (") and I'm really glad to meet you."
15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.
16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.
17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.
18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"
19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"
20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"
21. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.
22. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
23. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."
24. Spell every single word as you read it.
25. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.
26. Act like you're picking your nose. And eating it.
27. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.
28. Sneeze a lot.
29. Hold your book right next to your eyes.
30. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
31. Stand up, and continue reading.
32. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.
33. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.
34. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.
35. Ask them, "Got milk?"
36. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.
37. Fall out of your seat, then say, "I meant to do that." Then do it again. And again.
38. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.
39. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.
40. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you're attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.
41. Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.
42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.
43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.
44. Put down your book, then say, "Hey, ya wanna trade?"
45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, "IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!! IT'S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!"
46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, "I know what you did last summer."
47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.
48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you're out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.
49. Start singing "This is the song that never ends. . ."
50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.
51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, "I took singing lessons!"
52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, "Hey! How ya doin'? That's great, me too."
53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!
54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, "I have mail!!"
55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, "I measure sock by thickness!"
56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.
57. State proudly that you have been to the 'other' side. Give no explanation.
58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.
59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, "What do you mean?"
60. Say, "It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird." When they ask, "What?" say, "Ohh, sorry. I'm back now."
61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, "Never mind."
62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, "BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. . ."
63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, "Your just jealous 'cause the voices are talking to ME!!!"
64. Say, "Who's Freddie?" Then act like you didn't say anything.
65. Say, "Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!"
66. Introduce your self by saying, "Hi! I'd like a hamburger, and a green South America please." When they ask what your problem is, say, "Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I'm sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!" and run off.
67. Continuously rub a book while chanting, "Come out, come out. I know you're in there!" When they ask what you're doing, say, "I'm calling the book genie out!"
68. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, "Will you sign my autograph?!?" Make sure you say MY.
69. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you're doing, say happily, "I'm roosting!"
70. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you're doing, say, "I'm counting my brain cells!"
71. Stick a 'kick me' sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.
72. Repeat every thing they say to you.
73. Ask them, "Have you ever had an orange juice bath?" When they look at you strangely, say, "What?"
74. Look up suddenly and yell, "Ohh no!" When they ask you what happened, say, "Nothing." Then do it again.
75. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, "Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!"
76. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, "Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!"
77. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.
78. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.
79. Say to him/her, "You have the right to remain silent!"
80. Pat your stomach and say, "Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well."
81. Get a child's book like "Green Eggs and Ham" and complain that there is no glossary.
82. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, "Wow! Did you know that 'affirmative' and 'yes' mean the same thing?"
83. Say, "Omph" like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, "What? How'd this stain get here?" while motioning to the ketchup.
Subject: Three Little Pigs. Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"
The third piggy says -- "Well, somebody has to go
'Wee, wee, wee,' all the way home."
Subject: Fan Club. A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Subject: Air Controllers. The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.
They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
Subject: Jewelry. Mrs. Squiffy decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant. In case I should die before my husband.
I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
Subject: Virus Warnings Back in History. WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT!
Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Subject: Now You Know Why. One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St Peter and told him of his decision. He told St Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure.
The Lord said he would call this being woman.
So St Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man.
When St Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.
"Ah, St Peter, once again you have done an excellent job", said The Lord.
"Thank You, O Great One" replied St Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to this being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter O Lord."
"You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's", said The Lord.
"The nerve endings, said St Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, O Mighty One", replied St Peter.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman", said The Lord.
"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet", enquired St Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Seventy five, O Mighty One", replied St Peter.
"Ah yes, these being are constantly on their feet so they benefit from having less nerve endings there, do the same for woman", said The Lord.
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals", enquired St Peter.
"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.
"Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St Peter.
"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord.
"Yes, O Lord", said St Peter.
"No, wait.", said The Lord. "Damn it, give her ten thousand, I want her to scream out my name!"
Subject: Dihydrogen Monoxide. A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
Subject: Hunting. A Newfie is invited to his friend's cottage for the weekend, to hunt.
The first night, they stay up until the wee hours, drinking and playing cards.
The next morning, the Newfie is raring to go, of course, but his Ontarian host is much the worse for wear. After finding himself unable to even face a cup of coffee, the host finally says "I just can't do it, I'm too hung over.
Tell you what, you take my gun and my dogs and go out hunting by yourself."
Much to his surprise, the Newfie is back in less than an hour. "What happened???" the host asks.
"Ran out of dogs..." answers the Newfie.
Subject: Quickies! What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
The top of her head.
Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
The blonde - she is eighteen.
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.
It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
It changes their blood type.
What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in eight flavors.
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?" the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
Why do mice have such tiny balls?
Because so very few of them can dance.
Why don't Canadians have group sex?
Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. Now I'm wondering how he found out.
Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to "handle" a woman. Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.
Why don't you hit a car driven by a Black guy?
It's probably yours.
How do we know Adam was white?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a Black man?
Did you hear about the Black guy and the Mexican who opened a restaurant?
It's called Nacho Mama.
What do you get when you cross two Black people?
Your ass kicked!
What's black, blue, red all over, face down in a sewage ditch?
Some idiot who told too many Black jokes.
Subject: Eye Poke. A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting,
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting
"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
Subject: Gold. A certain man had lived a very good life. He had always remained on good terms with God and was blessed in his business.
He was very rich. He knew it was near the end, and he would soon have to die. He did love his money, so he prayed very hard to God to try to make a deal to take it with him into the next world. Of course, everyone reminded him that you can't take it with you. But, he prayed hard, and asked God, "Please, may I take just some of it with me?!"
God remembered how good he had always been, so he listened to his prayer and thought a while. Again, "Please, God, may I bring something of what I own with me when I die?!" God thought some more and replied, "OK. You can bring just one suitcase with you."
The man immediately instructed his servants to fill his largest suitcase with blocks of pure, solid gold.
Later, the man died, and St. Peter met him at the Great Pearly Gates: "What are you bringing? Don't you know that 'you can't take it with you'?" He said, "Oh! I had an agreement with God to be able to bring one suitcase with me."
St. Peter: "Hmmmm... Well, if He said so, I can't disagree with this. Open your suitcase and let me see what you brought."
"What???.....You brought ... PAVEMENT?"
Subject: Proved! A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
(...The student received an "A" in the class.)
Subject: Married Bliss... "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
Subject: Heaven. It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died." "No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy.
My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him.
And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy.", he thinks to himself. "Very well.", the angel announces.
"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died.", said the angel.
"Ok. Picture this.", says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."
Subject: Red O Dare. It was the end of the Gulf war. The arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one arab suggested that they ring 'Red O Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Ireland.
The arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The arab explained the problem with the oil fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy replied: "No problem." The arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great!" said the arab and hung up the phone.
The arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four red haired Paddys comes roaring over the sand dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig rire was out. The four Paddys walked to the arabs and one said..."Jezus... that was rough!"
The arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?"
Paddy replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that f... truck!!"
Subject: Irish Gag. An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
"You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Subject: With an R. A grade school teacher told the children on the first day of school her name was Miss Prussy. That's pussy with an r in it.
The next day she asked the students her name and no one knew. She told them to remember how she said to remember it.
One little boy stood up and proudly said "Your name is Miss Crunt."
Subject: A Frenchman, an Italian & a Finn. A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Finn in an overseas flight.
After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Finn remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she says to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
Subject: Puzzles. Try your hand at these puzzles, I guarantee that the answers will absolutely explain the questions!
1) The Elder Twin
One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday.
How come?
. . . . . .
SOLUTION:
1) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was travelling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or anytime zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.
******************************************************************************
2) Manhole Covers
Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
. . . . . .
SOLUTION:
2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
******************************************************************************
3) The Deadly Party
A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning.
Why did the man not die?
. . . . . .
SOLUTION:
3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
******************************************************************************
4) Heaven
A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve.
How did he know?
. . . . . .
SOLUTION:
4) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels.
This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments!
******************************************************************************
5) Trouble with Sons
A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
. . . . . .
SOLUTION:
5) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.)
******************************************************************************
6) The Man in the Bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.
. . . . . .
SOLUTION:
6) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups - so the man no longer needed the water.
******************************************************************************
Subject: Coughing... A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
Subject: Tombstones. A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.
The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER. Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read: HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.
Subject: The Techno Terms Dictionary. 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Subject: Jerry Lewis. Just heard this live from Jerry Lewis live on concert:
There was this Mexican firefighter whose wife just had twins.
They named the first Hosea and the second Hoseb...
Subject: Broom Factory. A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice that she's going to quit. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, "But why?" He asked.
"Nothing, I just want to quit that's all." She said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a rise."
"No." She said
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." Said the girl, she took off her underwear and point to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't got this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!!" The girl cried with a sob, "I can't wait two weeks, I gonna quit now, not only you got the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
Subject: At the Mexican Border. Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Subject: Accountant Jokes. What's the definition of an accountant?
- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
- Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
- When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
- His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
- One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an auditor?
- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
- Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
- Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Subject: Shorts. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
It's not hard to tell we was poor - when you saw the toilet paper drying on the clothesline.
The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once.
My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
As the golfer trudged towards the 19th hole at the Royal Melbourne, he muttered, "That was my worst game ever." To which the caddy replied, "You mean you've played before?"
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're standing on.
A true music lover is a man who puts his ear to the key hole to listen to a beautiful woman singing in the tub.
Our real world dictionary defines a pessimist as an optimist with experience.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Subject: Sperm. In an ejaculation, a black sperm is being teased because it is black.
The black sperm got angry and told the other white sperms that he will be the first to reach the egg.
So he runs as fast as he can while the others are looking at him.
After two hours the black sperm comes back looking sad and says
"Don't bother, he's gay."
Subject: The Happiest Day of Your Life. "Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
Subject: Dolly Parton Shocked. You need a calculator for this next one......
Dolly Parton wants to lose 69 pounds (key in 69) at the cost of $22.00 (key in 22) in 251 days (key in 251).
But after 8 weeks (multiply 6922251 by 8), she was shocked because she was...
Turn the calculator upside down to find out the answer...
Subject: Today's Stock Market Report. Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond:Has no maturity
* Gore bond:Has no interest
* Clinton bond:Has no principle.
Subject: Can't Win. A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell.
"What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,
"Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut," he said, and dropped her !!!
Subject: Good Place To Eat. Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch.
One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you. That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'.
They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime." The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?" "No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon."
Subject: Irish. Paddy had been stranded on the deserted island for two years.
Then one afternoon a lifeboat drifted close enough for him to swim to it and drag it on the beach, where he knocked it to bits and made a raft.
There was a power failure in a Dublin department store.
Thousands of shoppers were stranded on the escalators for hours.
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
Have you heard about the Irish parachute ?
It opens on impact.
Did you hear about the Irishman who fired an arrow into the air ?
He missed.
What do you do if an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you ?
Pull out the pin and throw it back .
Did you hear about the failed Irish attempt to climb Mt. Everest ?
They ran out of scaffolding.
Why don't Irish people eat pickles?
Because they can't get their heads into the jars.
How can you tell the Irish submarine?
It's the one with the flyscreens and deckchairs
Did you hear about the Irishman who wanted personalized number plates on his car?
He changed his name to 'XYZ 729'.
Why did the Irishman leave the empty milk carton in the fridge?
Just in case someone wanted a black coffee.
How do you get a one-armed Irishman down from a pole?
Wave to him.
Why did the Irishman fall out of the tree?
He was raking leaves and lost his footing.
Subject: Ordering A Beer. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
Subject: Two Eyes. Rather than send everyone an attachment, have a look at
downloads.htm for 'two eyes' (53K) - it has been viral checked and is well worth while!
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------------
| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
| Hand Job: $10.00
---------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Subject: The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug".
15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny... oops, too late!
8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley"
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...
[Drum roll]
1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe under-staffing of fast-food restaurants.
Subject: The Accident. A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he read it.
On the paper is written:
As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, and insurance company.
But I'm not...
Subject: Downloads! Rather than send everyone an attachment file,
here are 5 more at:
downloads.htm
Want to go to the World Cup?! (246K)
Honesty on the Internet! (101K)
Take a break! (312K)
This is you working in Australia! (4K)
Do this to your screen! (59K)
Subject: Rosa and Tony. Rosa and Tony were married for 25 years. Rosa goes to see the Priest.
Father: I'm gonna ask Tony for a Divorce.
Priest asks why.
Rosa explains Tony is hard to get along with. He works constantly. He's a work-aholic.When he's not working he's always picking his nose..always picking his nose.
Finally for twenty-five years he will never let me get on top when we make love. He always,always,always must be on top.
The Priest says he'll talk with Tony. The Priest tells Tony what Rosa said and asks for an explanation.
Tony says Father its all my pappa from the old country. When I left home as a young man my Pappa gave me advice..Pappa said ..Little Tony when you go to America you work. You work real hard. You keepa you nose clean, and most of all don't be a fuck-up..
Subject: Texan Baby. A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
WOW! From all and congratulations.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
Subject: Smart Men! The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer...
The Scotsman says: That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive...
The Irishman says: You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a penis...
Subject: Husband's Best Friend. A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours--wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite love. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other. The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice.
"Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with YOU."
Subject: At Your Service!!! A priest went into a Washington, D.C. barbershop and got his hair cut. He then asked asked how much he owed the barber. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later, a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop.
Subject: New Car Radio. A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her car was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country", and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song.
She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll"; the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole!".......as the radio cut over to Rush Limbaugh's talk show.
Subject: Husband & Wife. Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide.
He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"
Subject: New England Cricket Captain. STOP PRESS:
NEW ENGLAND CRICKET CAPTAIN....PAULA YATES
Apparently the only Pom in recent memory to go down under, fuck the Aussies,
and bring back the Ashes.
Subject: Does This Remind You Of "Anyone" In Particular? A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep, he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So, he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Subject: King Arthur's Key. King Arthur was preparing to go on a quest to the Holy Land. He called his trusted friend, Sir Lancelot to his side.
Arthur asked him to stay behind and look after his kingdom. They discussed many things that Sir Lancelot must take care of from time to time. Lancelot also stated that he would look after the Queen, Guineve.
Arthur stated that he had a chastity belt made for Guineve and she would wear it until he returned. But, Just in case, I should be killed during this quest, I will leave you, my trusted friend, a key to release her.
Several days went by as the troops assembled and finally King Arthur and his crusaders departed.
Two days later, Sir Lancelot , by pushing his horse very fast, rode up to the King and when he caught his breath, stated. "Sire, you gave me the wrong key!! "
Subject: What Is It? Can you name an animal that has eyes and cannot see, legs and cannot walk, but can jump as high as the Empire State Building? (scroll down)
A wooden horse.
It has eyes and cannot see, legs and cannot walk, and the Empire State Building cannot jump.
Subject: Army Major. An army Major An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir"
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bad.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."
Subject: Money Isn't Everything. Money can buy a house
but not a home.
Money can buy a bed
but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock
but not time.
Money can buy a book
but not knowledge.
Money can buy food
but not an appetite.
Money can buy position
but not respect.
Money can buy blood
but not life.
Money can buy medicine
but not health.
Money can buy sex
but not love.
Money can buy insurance
but not safety.
You see, money is not everything.
Therefore, if you have too much, give some to me :-)
Subject: Think! In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"
Subject: A Scotsman. A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.
They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us now! He must be rewarded!"
So she took a blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself.
He raised his kilt and where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said "I donna know where y'been lad but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"
Subject: Dictionary Definition of Windows '95: "Windows 95:n. 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition."
Subject: Quasimodo. Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were sitting around talking, as they do.
Cinders said, " I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and that makes me feel great."
Tom Thumb says, "I am the smallest person in the world, and that makes ME feel great"
Quasimodo says, "I am the most miserable, tight-fisted, ugly fucker in the world, and I'm proud of it!"
"But a thought has just occurred to me. How do we know this for sure?"
"I know." said Tom Thumb. "Let's go and see Merlin the Magician. He has a crystal ball and will be able to see if what we say is true."
So off they trot down the yellow brick road.
Cinders goes in first. After a while she comes out. Put's her arms in the air, and sighs "it's true, I am the most beautiful!"
Tom goes in and soon comes out punching the air, "And I'm the smallest!"
Quasimodo goes in and there is suddenly a loud scream.
He comes out and says, "Who the fuck is Jeff Kennett??!!."
Subject: Research.txt A very shy guy goes into a tavern and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
Subject: The Bike. An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle.
"Where did you get such a nice bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want!'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.
Subject: Hunting for Ducks. There was this guy hunting for ducks near Vancouver, while he was waiting, he was making these duck calls Quack... Quack... Quack... all of a sudden a bunch of ducks landed near where he was hunting, near the american and canadian border, he sends his retriever out to scare the ducks to make them fly, when he did this he managed to shoot three ducks, while he was shooting, a game warden heard the shooting, and went rushing to where the guy was shooting the ducks, as usual the game warden wanted to know where it was he shot the ducks, so he started his line of questioning and asked where did you shoot the ducks, one was about 75 feet to the north of us here, one was shot about 100 feet to the west of us, and the other one was shot 150 feet south of us, the game warden couldn't really tell if the ducks were shot on american land or canadian land, so been curious about this, the game warden asked to see the ducks, he grabs the first one and shoves his finger up it's ass, twirls his finger around, and says this is a canadian duck, grabs the second duck, shoves his finger up it's ass, and twirls his finger around, and says this one is american, and grabs the third duck and does the same thing, finally, he concludes, there were 2 american ducks and 1 canadian, and says i'm gonna have to fine you for illegally hunting ducks in american waters, he starts asking the guy his name, his age and he asked the guy what his address was, the guy says i live in vancouver, the game warden asks, vancouver washington? or vancouver B.C.? the hunter turns around, drops his pants and bends over and says, I don't know, you tell me, your the expert.
Subject: Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins:
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have nursery downstairs.
5) The Rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The Senior Choir invites and member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24) The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
25) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
Subject: Three Men. Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to Heaven...
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced,and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders,drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite CD and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
Subject: Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger. Michael Jackson, Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger are all on a plane, headed to a concert. Suddenly the pilot announces, that the plane is going to crash, and that there are not enough parachutes.
McCartney sees all the children sitting in the economy class and says: "Hey, listen guys, we're all old, we've had a good life. Let's give the parachutes to the kids and give them a chance, too."
Mick Jagger gets up, slaps McCartney in the face and screams: "Hey, are you nuts? Fuck the children!" ...
..and Jacko politely asks: "Is there enough time?"
Subject: Tips on Home Protection. The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again...
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Subject: Goin' Fishing. BAD HUBBY,BAD,BAD HUBBY
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just
come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
Subject: Actual Newspaper Headlines. * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Drunk gets nine months in violin case
* Farmer Bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Stud tires out
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* British left waffles on Falkland Islands
* Eye drops off shelf
* Teacher strikes idle kids
* Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged cow injures house
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
* Stolen painting found by tree
* Two soviet ships collide, one dies
* 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
* Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
* Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
* Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
* War dims hope for peace
* If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide
Subject: The Speech. A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."
Subject: Hmm??? Once three scientists died in a car crash and for their sins they went to hell. Down there Satan received them and told them they were about to be swimming in the lake of fire and sulfur for eternity.
The three scientists were very afraid and one of them said: "Oh please almighty lord of the darkness, please give us another chance to live so we can do things right?".
Satan laughed and said: "Why in hell I will let you live again don't you get it?, this is hell you'll fry for what you've done."
Quickly one of the scientists replied: " Satan we've been bad in our lives as men but as scientists we're the best and we've done so much for the world, please give us another chance".
Satan then thinks: "What the hell, lets give 'em a chance, I'll ask them something impossible so they have to stay here and while they try to look for the answer I might be amused by their search".
So Satan says to the three men: "I'll let you go to earth one more time and if you bring me back something I cannot melt, I'll let you live."
The three scientists look at each other thinking: "Well, we might have a chance".
So the first guy goes to earth as the other two awaited with Satan. He quickly travels to a small island in the pacific where the US had the best geologists in the nation studying the volcanic activity in the area.
He gathered them and tells them about the chance he had been given and asks for their help.
One of the geologists told him: "Sir you've come to the right place, we've just found a special kind of rock formation which we haven't been able to find its melting point."
So they give the man a sample of the rock and he went back into hell and gives it to Satan. Satan took the rock in his hands and with little or no trouble managed to melt it. The second scientist was almost peeing his pants for what he just have witnessed but went out to find something.
He ran into some kind of Japanese textile secret labs and told his story to the men there hoping for some help. One Japanese guy told him: "Well mister you've come to the light place, we recently developed a new type of fabric that's virtually impossible to melt." They gave the guy the piece of fabric and he went back into hell and gives it to Satan.
Satan laughs and with no trouble burns the fabric to a crisp.
The third scientist was really scared, he thought: "Well there's no chance for me to go out there and find something this red hot, horned, mother f..k.r can't melt". And just as he was about to tell Satan to fry him, he remembered what he had in his pocket.
He reached into it and took out a small rounded green object and handed it to Satan. Satan laughed and tried to melt it but nothing happened. He the tries harder and but still nothing happened.
Satan is so pissed off he summons all the dark powers of hell to help him melt the little green thing but again nothing happened.
So Satan all beat up and exhausted tells the third scientist that he has just won, that he'll let him go back to earth and live again, but before he left, he had to tell him what this little green thing was that even he couldn't melt.
- - - - - - - - - The guy replied: "It's an M&M, they melt in your mouth. Not in your
hands."
Subject: A Dog Walks Into a Butcher Shop. A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck.
He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog.
It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."
The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
Subject: How Many Children. A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Subject: Three Mice. Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
Subject: Pierre. Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"
Subject: Adam and Eve. A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon.
The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God almighty!"
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to,"... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins?" the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ." The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife, and when the minister got to, "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband, but he jumped up and said "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off."
Subject: Golf Anyone? A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Subject: Monday Blues. A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Subject: This Guy. This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink.
As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another.
The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?"
The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me.
So today, I took the day off work to follow her.
When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."
"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"
The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"
How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants?
Nothing. Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the owner's neighbors will be upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player. Meeting the other two indicates that you're hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four others to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone but chooses not to.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on his way to a recording session.
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards if you have a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" x 3 1/2"
Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.
What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
Why are a pianists' fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
No one knows when to come in.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play a down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
The timpanist turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
Even the section notices.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
How does a soprano change a light bulb?
She just holds it in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end -
It would be a good idea.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the a** in back.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to a conductor. He's told that the conductor has died, then calls back 25 times, getting the same message each time. The receptionist asks, "Why do you keep calling?"
"I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
How do you get a guitar to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they both suck.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two, three... one, two, three...
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
Subject: Roses. So this woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn't care. She is busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses...the expensive ones...from her husband.
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh SHIT!"
The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???"
He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"
She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."
He replies, "Geez, Lady, don't you have a vase???"
Subject: This is from a Husband to a Wife: TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirtybook
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Subject: Bad Memory. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Subject: Driving Nuns. A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"
Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."
Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."
Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."
Subject: Two Guys. Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface.
After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water.
On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda.
But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out.
You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one".
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"
"Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"
Subject: In the Middle of a Forest. In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion!'"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
Subject: Chaim Rabinovitz. Chaim Rabinovitz managed to achieve an interview with Charles Smythe of Abercrombie and Fitch and he said :
"Mr. Smythe, my name is Chaim Rabinovitz and I am a ribbon salesman. I am the best ribbon salesman in the world. I have sold ribbons to every important department store in all fifty states ,including Alaska and Hawaii. The only exception, the only flaw, is that I have never sold anything to Abercrombie and Fitch.
"Next month, Mr. Smythe, I retire and to the land of my people - Miami Beach. I would like to retire with a perfect record and I hope you will help me do so. I would like to sell you some ribbons. I don't ask you to give me a large order; give me a small one, as small as you wish. I merely want to end up with a perfect record."
Charles Smythe listened to Rabinovitz with a visible sneer on his face and said "Very well, if that's what you want. You may sell me a piece of ribbon, equal in length to the distance from the tip of your nose to the tip of your pecker."
For a moment, Rabinovitz seemed taken aback, but he recovered and said, "All right, Mr. Smythe. As you say. What color ribbon do you wish and what style?"
And Smythe said wearily, "Mr. Rabinovitz , I don't care what color and what style. Just sell me a strip equal in length to the distance from the tip of your nose to the tip of your pecker."
And Rabinovitz nodded his head and said again, "As you say. But please, Mr. Smythe, can you put it in writing? I need some written proof that my record is perfect."
Smythe pulled down an order blank and wrote, "Ordered, from Chaim Rabinovitz, ribbon salesman, a strip of ribbon, any color, any style, equal in length to the distance from the tip of said Rabinovitz' nose to the tip of his pecker."
Rabinovitz left with his copy of the order, and Smythe also left for a well-earned vacation in Newport, Rhode Island.
Smythe had not been in Newport for more than a few days when he received a furious phone call from his boss at Abercrombie and Fitch.
"Smythe," shouted the boss, "what the hell is going on here? A truck arrives every hour on the hour with ribbon. Our storage bins are filled with ribbon all the way up to the fifteenth floor, and more keeps arriving. The story is that you have ordered it."
Smythe choked. "I'll be right back , boss, and get to the bottom of this."
Back in his office, he called Chaim Rabinovitz and, waving his fists, shouted, "Listen, you bastard, what the hell do you mean sending in all these ribbons? Are you crazy?"
Rabinovitz' eyebrows lifted. He said, "I beg your pardon, but I have your order blank right here. I'll show it to you, but don't try to snatch it and tear it up because it is only a Xerox. I have the original in a safe-deposit box. You see it says you want a length of ribbon equal to the distance from the tip of my nose to the tip of my pecker?"
Yes, and that's all I wanted."
"And that's all you're getting. The tip of my nose is right here, but the tip of my pecker is in Poland."
Subject: The Frog. A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great!"
"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Subject: Sad Story. Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!! "
Subject: Considerate Wives. Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now...
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire...
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him: Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this and go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that this happens only once...ok?... Don't think about it again.
The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment:
She said this is not enough, she wants sixty...
The wife's face slowly turns red with anger:
Damn that bitch... when she was pregnant and her husband came over here...
I charged him only fifty...
Subject: Another Merger. There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler.
It will be called ... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
Subject: Pictures. Rather than send everyone 2 attachment pictures, they are ready for viewing at:
downloads.htm Just click on the above to see:
1) MS Titanic
2) Bungee Jumping.
Subject: British-French-Russian. A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise.
They are Russian."
Subject: Corker. Elle MacPherson, Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell are flying off to the Caribbean for a photo shoot. After a few hours into the flight, the Captain announces that the plane is going to crash, and that all the passengers have to loosen their ties, take off their shoes, and assume the crash position.
Elle starts to put on her makeup and do her hair; Cindy asks: "Why are you doing that?"
"So that when the rescuers come they will notice me first, because I will be all beautiful".
Cindy then starts putting on all her jewellery, and Elle asks her why she's doing that. Cindy replies: "If I have all this gold jewellery on, it'll glitter, so that the rescuers can find me".
Whilst this conversation's going on, they notice that Naomi Campbell is pulling down her knickers and is hitching her skirt up to moon out of the window.
"Why are you doing that, Naomi?" ask the other two.
"Well, I seem to remember that when a plane crashes, the first thing the rescuers look for is the Black Box!"
Subject: Fur. A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Subject: A Traveller. A traveller named John pulled into a little town for the night to find every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded, "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it would be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveller assured him, "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" he asked.
"Nope," John replied, "I shut him up in no time."
"How did you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said "Goodnight Beautiful."
"With that, he sat up all night watching me."
Subject: An Actual Trial. A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."
The case was dismissed.
Subject: The College Professor. The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.
Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
Subject: Practice Your ABC's. Act silly
Believe in Magic
Create adventures
Daydream every chance you get
Enjoy life as much as possible
Find time for fun
Goof off
Hang upside down from trees
Imagine...
Join clubs
Keep it simple
Love all creatures
Make time for friends
Nap when you can
Open you mind to new ideas!!!
Play when you feel like it
Question the answers
Run with the wind
Sing favorite songs
Take days off
Uncover your talents
Venture out
Walk on the wild side
X-pect the best
Yield to the moment
Zzzz peacefully at night
Subject: Tips from the Pro. A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.
The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
Subject: Natural Highs. Falling in love
Laughing so hard your face hurts.
Watching a child do something for the first time after you taught them.
A great idea.
A scholarship.
A hot shower.
No line at the book return.
A hug.
A special glance.
Acting in the theater.
Tailgating on a warm Saturday.
Clean sheets.
Getting mail.
Walking your dog.
Listening to your walkman.
Falling asleep in the sun on a cool day.
Taking a drive on a pretty road.
Hugging a big teddy bear.
Playing miniature golf.
Getting a strike in bowling.
Catching your soap on a Friday.
Working on a successful project with a good friend.
Going out to dinner.
Getting an "A" on a paper.
Going out on a Saturday night, coming home sober and having had a great time.
Not getting carded.
Going dancing.
Listening to loud music.
Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
Walking out of your last final.
A chocolate milkshake.
Getting a good grade.
Oreo ice cream.
Finding out there is no final in a hard class.
A long distance phone call.
Birthday cakes.
Going to the movies.
Your favorite lunch.
Getting invited to a dance.
Being a senior.
The smell of clean laundry.
Not having an 8:00 class.
A bubble bath.
Giggling.
Holding someone you love in front of a fireplace.
Whitewater rafting.
Rollercoasters.
Spring Break.
A Saturday shopping trip with a good friend.
Being told you did an excellent job by your peers.
Subject: The Penis. The Thins Penis: Cos it's not as thick as some
The Magnum Penis: Can you remember your first one?
The Nicole Kidman Penis: To Die For
The Minties Penis: It's moments like these you need...
The Wrigley's Extra Penis: Flavour that lasts and lasts
The Canon Penis: Now you can
The St George Penis: You know where you stand
The Saab Penis: Beyond the conventional
The Sorbent Penis: Thicker and softer
The digital Penis: Whatever it takes
The Hyundai Penis: All day every day
The Peugot Penis: Engineered to be enjoyed
The Pantene Penis: It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.
The M&M Penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand
The Flake Penis: It crumbles and melts in your mouth
The Hungry Jack's Penis: Ooh I love a whopper OR Gotta have that flame-grilled beef...
The Olympic Penis: ...and the winner is...
The Twisties Penis: Life's never straight without...
The CC's Penis: Can't say no...
The Just Juice Penis: Just squeeze.
The Woolworths Penis: The fresh food penis.
The Tribble Penis: Everyone wants one.
The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your penis do the walking.
The Sprite Penis: Obey your thirst.
The Hobbit Penis: There and back again.
The Hugh Grant penis: It's just Devine!
The Tolkein penis: Lord of the Rings
The VB Penis: Cos a hard earned thirst needs a big cold...
The Terminator Penis: This time it's personal.
The Space Balls Penis: I see that your schwartz is as big as mine
The Star Wars Penis: Feel the force.
The Raine and Horne Penis: We'll come to you!
The L J Hooker Penis: Nobody does it better.
The Ten Capital News Penis: More people turn us on.
The Toyota Penis: Oh what a feeling
The Mitsubishi Penis: Prease Consider
The BMW Penis: Sheer driving pleasure
The Macintosh Penis: "The power to be your best"
The Optus Penis: "yes"
The Forrest Gump Penis: You never know what you're gonna get.
The Steve Erkel Penis: Did i do that?
The Pizza Hut Penis: Available in both thick and thin.
The Macintosh Penis: All the internal workings are kept hidden. Just click.
The Linux Penis: Always upgradable.
The Pentium Penis: It gives a different result every time.
The CD Penis: Looks pretty in sunlight.
The Transformer Penis: More than meets the eye
The Madam Penis: Won't stay on at parties.
The Kryten Penis: Multi-functional groinal socket...
The (circumcised) KFC penis: spicy & skin free...
The Nemo Penis: Lots of hair....
The Blitzen Penis: It keeps going up and down...
The Rudolf Penis: With a glowing red end.
The Lucs Penis. You don't have to suck. It does it for you.
The ISCA Penis: m or f?
The Spinnaker Penis: Always down when you need it.
The Coke Penis: Always the real thing.
The Far Side Penis: Do you need a reason? :)
The Snickers Penis: Always satisfies.
The Microsoft Penis: Who do you want to blow today?
The Raid Penis: Kills bugs dead.
The Excedrin Penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Life Call Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.
The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...?
The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.
The Nintendo Penis: Now you're playing with power.
The Ruffles Penis: Bet you can't eat just one.
The Roll-Ups Penis: Some kids like their fruit real flat.
The NRMA Penis: For H-E-L-P.
The Libra Penis: Now with wings
The Gillette Penis: The Best a man can get.
The Daewoo Penis: There's nothing you can't do...
The Birch Carroll and Coyle/Hoyts Penis: You want it? You got it!
The BHP Penis: The big Australian
The Lipton's Penis: Everybody's jiggling...
The Adobe Penis: It's everything you imagine.
The Texas Instruments Penis: Extending your reach.
The Hoyts Penis: You can make it BIG in the movies.
The Pioneer Penis: The art of entertainment.
The Advanced Hair Studios Penis: Yeah, Yeah
The Critters II Penis: They'll get you in the end.
The Microsoft Penis: Where does it want to go today ??
The VISA Penis: It's everywhere you want to be.
The Snappy Tom Penis: The cats of Australia have made their choice
The Colgate penis: It really DOES get in.
The Mac Penis: mmMmmmMMmm it's Mac time
The Hungry Jack's Penis: have it your way!
Red Rooster Penis: Are you red-red-ready?
The Praise Penis: Nothing tastes creamier!
The RAAF Penis: Reach for the sky!
The Schwarzenegger Penis: It'll be back
The ARL (Australian Rugby League) Penis: Simply the best
The Cheap Hollywood Penis: Free Willy
The Julius Caesar Penis: Vidi, vici, veni. (I saw, I conquered, I came)
The Doors Plus Penis: We fit, stain, and deliver.
The HitchHiker's Penis: Don't panic!
The Fly Buys Penis: The more you buy, the more you...
The Smoo Penis: Always looking good
The Madam Penis2: Who needs jeans?
The Napisan Penis: Whiter than white... Can you take the Napisan challenge?
The Private Bin Penis: Go hard or go home!
The Energizer Penis: Just keeps going and going and going
The Domino's Pizza Penis: Fresh and hot and always great! or: I've got the hots for what's in the box with the dots...
The Pizza Hut Penis: Comes in 30 minutes or it's free
The Transformers Penis: More than meets the eye!
The Ewok Penis: Furry but loveable
The Jean Luc Picard Penis: .....Engage!
The Monty Python Penis: And now for something completely different!
The Queensland Penis: Beautiful one day, perfect the next!
The Star Trek Penis: To boldly go where no one has gone before
The CSR White Sugar Penis: Australia's finest... 100% natural.
The Cadbury's Penis: A glass and a half of full cream...
The Kraft Singles Penis: 900mL in every one...
Subject: 3 Japs & a Waitress. A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!
She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!
She responds, "But why are you whacking off?"
One of the three says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"
Subject: Not Your Day. A man was out driving down the highway when he saw this guy, naked, hobbling by the side of the road. He had his left hand tied to his left ankle and the same with his right side.
He pulled over, got out and said,
"Shit man, what the hell happened to you?"
"Well" , said the guy, " I was in this bar and I met these two hot babes. I got talking, started getting friendly, and asked them if they wanted to go for a drive?. Well we got out of town, pulled over down by the river, and got out. These girls just start taking all their clothes off, so I did too and then they started doing all the good things. I was getting really into it when, Wham, I got hit on the head with a bottle."
"When I came to, my clothes were gone, my car was gone, my money was gone and I was hog-tied up like this."
"Gee sweetie", said the man as he unzipped his jeans, "this just ain't your lucky day"
Subject: Magic Mirror. A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash......and both his legs fall off.
Subject: 21st Birthday. There was an Arab Oil Sheik with three sons.
As the oldest son neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked the boy what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like an airplane." He replied. So the Sheik bought him Boeing.
As the next son neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked him what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like a car." He replied. So the Sheik bought him a Rolls Royce.
As the third son, a boy of simple pleasures, neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked him what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like a Mickey Mouse outfit, Dad." He replied.
So the Sheik bought him Optus.
Subject: IRS. The IRS has enacted the following Income Tax Form for the year ending 12/31/1999 :
1. What was your Total income in 1999 ? $___________
2. Send It To Us.
* * * ** * * * *
New IRS Form 4Q69ways
Subscribe to Harry's FREE REGULAR OR JEWISH jokes via email here.
Apartment.
Top