Subject: That's Odd. Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Subject: That's Some Fish Story... Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
Subject: Think About It. Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00a.m.
While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in his electric skillet (made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying American job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia),
then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.
Subject: Let's Have A Baby. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Subject: Exhausted. The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Subject: Hand Grenades. Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
Subject: St. Peter. A nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter's gate. St. Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks: Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?
Well says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and then I kicked all their hogs over, all six of them, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also."
St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?"
The accountant replies "About five minutes ago".
Subject: Too Many Animals. A small boy walked into a police station one day and said, 'I've got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.'
'Are the any windows in your room?' asked the officer.
'Yes, of course there are!' said the boy.
'Have you tried opening them?'
'What and lose all my pigeons?'
Subject: Formal Education. The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."
"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"
"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."
Subject: VP. Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
Subject: Over Qualified. A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - Let me show you how."
Subject: A New Car. Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
Subject: Survivor. Here's news about the next planned "Survivor" show.
Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance.
The winner gets to go back to his job.
Subject: The Bride. All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Subject: Banking. Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking.
"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."
Subject: Help. Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.
"I'm the president," I replied.
There was a pause. "I'll call back later," he said, "I need to talk to someone who knows something."
Subject: Virus. Column 8 reports:
"Atlanta, Ga - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control today confirmed that foot & mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook e-mail application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus."
That should make everybody sleep easier.
Subject: Price Increase. A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, " Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
Subject: Traveling. Two friends in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.
When the two friends got off the plane--still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots--they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said "G'day, mates. Where'er you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
Don't know, replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
Subject: An American Tourist. An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub. 'And have you lived here all your life, Sir ?' asked the American.
'Not yet, m'dear,' said the villager wisely.
Subject: Fishing. Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
"That was a nice gesture," says the other man.
"Oh," replies the first, "it was the least I could do, we were married for 25 years."
Subject: Air Travel. It was mealtime during a trip on a small airline in the Northwest.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Subject: Golf. A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Subject: My Apartment. Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."
Subject: Grandchild Wanted. A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.
"Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." He then proceeded to bow his head down to pray.
When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.
Subject: Ten Commandments. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Subject: Swindled. A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Subject: Presents. The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"
Subject: A Used Car. Friend of mine bought a used car with a Kansas City Chiefs bumper sticker on it.
Being a Dallas Fan, he scraped it off and put on a Cowboys one.
Ya know, the car ran and passed better within a few minutes.
Subject: Black and White. Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Subject: Canadian's ... and the Rest of the World.
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada we have two Seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!"
A Quebec guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
On the first day of Grade Three, little Chris Warrick's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Chris did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Chris outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Chris noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Subject: Facts of Life. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. ... wedding cake!
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Subject: Sneezes. This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman, now feeling embarrassed, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Subject: Dear Abby. Dear Abby:
I have a problem.
I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.
One of my brothers plays for the Kansas City Chiefs and the other one is sentenced to die in the electric chair for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was 6 years old.
Both of my sisters are into prostitution and one of them has aids, and my father sells drugs to junior high school kids.
Well, I recently met a girl who was released from a reformatory, where she was doing time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl with all my heart and I want to marry her.
Here is my problem: Do I tell her about my brother who plays for the Chiefs?
Subject: Learning a Language. Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York. The owner had a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.
One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish. The customer was so impressed, he found the owner.
"I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn Yiddish?" he asked the owner.
"Shhh" the owner replied. "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"
Subject: Vacation. Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Subject: Quiz. This separates the dumb people from the really dumb people.
Answer the following 13 questions.
DON'T CHEAT!! Here we go.
Q: 1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
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A: 1. YES
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Q: 2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
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A: 2. 1
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Q: 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
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A: 3. ALL
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Q: 4. How many outs are there in an inning?
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A: 4. 6
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Q: 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
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A: 5. NO
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Q: 6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
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A: 6. 70
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Q: 7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
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A: 7. 2
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Q: 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
hour. How long will the pills last?
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A: 8. 1 HOUR
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Q: 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
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A: 9. 9
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Q: 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
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A: 10. NONE
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Q: 11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
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A: 11. MEAT
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Q: 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
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A: 12. 12
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Q: 13. What was the President's name in 1960?
Subject: Men & Sex. A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex.
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on those days that started with "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tonight, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.
Subject: Cars in Heaven. Three friends are in a car driving to the ball game when a Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?
And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know.
"Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was banging two maybe tree different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
Subject: The Car. A hip young man goes out and buys a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies,
"Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!
Subject: Coming Home. A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: "Nope. You are.
I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Subject: Golf? Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.
The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.
The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.
The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.
The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".
Subject: Revenge of the Unfaithful. Two high school sweethearts went out together for four years in high school. They were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they both wanted to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy to the west coast. The agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl, but she would never be home. When he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well, so he increased the frequency of his calls, letters, and emails to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, the guy was heart-broken, but even more so, he was pissed. What he did next was awesome. He took the photo and wrote the following on the back:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Having a great time at college,
Please send more money!!"
Subject: Quick Thinking. There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.You think on your feet and we like that around here. Were are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada sir".
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
Subject: One Lie Leads to Another. A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a hotel and go have strenuous sex all afternoon. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 at night.
They have sex again, and then the man realizes it's time to go home. He says to his secretary, "Take my shoes outside while I get dressed and drag them through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies.
When the man gets home about 9:30pm his wife confronts him and asks where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right home."
The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"
Subject: Husbands & Wives. A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the men is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man shrugs then replies, "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
Subject: Art. At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked & very black men sitting on a park bench.
What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."
Subject: Sorry, No Answers...Just More Questions... Why does the word "sanction" mean both to permit and to prohibit?
Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect (what do they have in common?)
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it's already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
How can you "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"?
Why did the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when we're already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it off you can't see to read.
How do you know when it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why is FOOTball played by hand?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive then why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work on snowy mornings?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year then why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughs real hard would milk come out of its nose?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to pans?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why is it they can't make an airplane out of the same material as that little black box data recorder?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in the driveway?
Why does AT&T advertise "Reach Out and Touch Someone" when that's the one thing you can't do with a phone?
Subject: Cheating or Falling? An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me 'I have cheated with Anthony ... I have cheated with Mary ... I have cheated with Frankie.' I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say 'I have fallen with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie.' No more using the word CHEAT. It will be FALL."
About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger man.
No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are falling all over the place."
The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.
The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times.!"
Subject: The Bear. Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?" He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to outrun *you*."
Subject: Skiing. This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
-------------------------------------------------
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride amotorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
Subject: Woman. An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
Subject: Three Couples. Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one winter evening, and as they were rounding the turn the driver lost control of the vehicle, which ran off the road and down a hillside, bursting into flame and killing everyone inside.
Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St. Peter.
Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said, "YOU? All YOU ever thought about in life was drinking! You drank every morning, every evening, on the weekends, at lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!"
He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU! You thought of nothing but money! Everything in your life had to do with greed, money, making money, keeping money, making more money...you even married a girl named Penny!"
The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away. "Come on, Fanny, I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say to us."
Subject: 1,2,3, 1,2,3, 1,2,3, Two dwarves decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas.
At the hotel bar, they are dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he is unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of "ONE, TWO, THREE ... HUH!" all night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shakes his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asks. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
Subject: Chickens in space. A True Story...
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun whose purpose is to launch dead chickens. It's used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. As such, it simulates the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, thereby determining if the windshields are strong enough.
British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test it out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon firing it, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the train engineer's back rest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a three-word response:
"Thaw the chicken."
Subject: Fatherhood. "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."
Subject: Nudist Colony. This old guy goes to a nudist colony, and thinks about joining.
Puffing his Cohiba, he strolls into the reception. "How much does this place cost to join?" he asks.
"It's US$1,000 a membership," says the bare lady behind the counter.
"$1,000!" he exclaims. "That's a lot of money," he says, chewing on his gasper.
"Well, I tell you what sir, I could let you go inside for a few hours, and if you don't enjoy yourself, you don't have to join," she says.
This sounds logical, so he goes to the changing room, strips off, and starts strolling around. The grounds aren't too crowded, and they're very nicely gardened. Admiring the flowers, a cute young lady comes walking around the corner, naked as the day she was born. Seeing her gives him an immediate stiffy and she giggles at him.
"It's soooo cute!" she cries, then drops to her knees, does the deed, and gives him a BIG smile. Once she's done, he runs back in the reception room, pays his $1,000, and happily keeps walking around, admiring the views.
Walking around a turn, he drops his cigar. Bending over to pick it up, a young guy comes running up and rams it in.
The old guy runs back in a huff to the reception, demanding his money back.
"I don't understand sir - just a minute ago you were perfectly happy," says the confused receptionist.
"You're right you don't understand, honey - at my age I get an erection maybe once a month. I drop my cigar five or six times a day!"
Subject: Good news. One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife.
She told him that she has good news and that she had bad news.
He said "Well, give me the good news first."
She said "The good news is that the air bag works."
Subject: The 4-Letter Word. Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"
Subject: Chain Letter. *** Be sure to read this letter with your eyes tightly closed or they'll melt into little gooey puddles and run down your cheeks in a sickening manner ***
This is no ordinary chain letter. This one's really real. Yup. If you don't send this to at least 23486478.2754 people within the next 17 seconds you'll most likely spend the rest of your life wandering lucklessly on some bleak antarctic island, where you'll meet evil polar bears who have been waiting for 33 years, walking uphill both ways in the ice just to devour you, and they'll mutter obscenities at you while they do it just because they're cold. And after that you'll drag yourself into a tiny cave with your last remaining limb and you'll think you're safe but you won't be, because an ancient race of primates with evil magic will curse you even more and then they'll teleport you to an asylum, and you'll have to watch 32 and a half year's worth of black and white re-runs, after which you'll be released and sent to West Virginia and you'll be forced to spend years and years living in a trailer park with a 87% redneck population.
Some comments from people who have not completed the chain:
"Ouch, my last remaining limb is acting up again"
"Those ancient primates sure were ugly"
"Stupid rednecks keep putting tobacco stains on my trailer"
"The Lone Ranger sure is a good show. This episode's pretty good too, but not as good as #462. I like that one almost as good as episode #177"
However, if you complete the chain you'll have an unnoticeable amount of good luck. You might THINK this chain letter didn't do anything, but it really will have and you just wont notice it. Here are some comments from people who completed the chain:
"I won 2 dollars in the lottery today! Must be that chain letter giving me good luck"
"Hey, I didn't die today! That chain letter really DOES work"
So be sure to send it to at least 23486478.2754 people in the next 17 seconds. You've already read what can happen if you don't!
Subject: Names. Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one winter evening, and as they were rounding the turn the driver lost control of the vehicle, which ran off the road and down a hillside, bursting into flame and killing everyone inside.
Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St. Peter.
Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said, "YOU? All YOU ever thought about in life was drinking! You drank every morning, every evening, on the weekends, at lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!"
He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU! You thought of nothing but money! Everything in your life had to do with greed, money, making money, keeping money, making more money...you even married a girl named Penny!"
The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away. "Come on, Fanny, I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say to us."
Subject: The Tattoo. A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis. The owner agreed and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great and he paid for the service.
That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his new tattoo.
He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?".
She said...
"You tell me how to cook...",
"You tell me how to clean the house...",
"You tell me how to do the laundry..."
"And now you are going to put words in my mouth!"
Subject: Great Sense of Smell. A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: The art of swallowing.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.
Subject: Virus. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin for error).
TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money...
ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
Subject: Where's the Mule? Jim Long of Alabama says that in the old days when he was a kid, the preacher always rode a mule to church.
One Sunday Morning, he awoke to find that his mule was not there.
He walked to the church, fuming all the way about how he knew someone in his church had taken his mule and he was going to lay down the law (or the Ten Commandments), laying a guilt trip on the guy who took his mule.
He started out with the First Commandment and really bore down on "Thou Shalt Not Steal" but by the time he got to the Commandment on "Adultery" he remembered where he left his mule.
Subject: Getting Connected. This person was trying to get signed on to the Internet.
Every time she tried to connect, the password was rejected.
When she finally called, I asked her to enter the password again.
She said, "I've been meaning to ask you about that password.
There is an upside-down exclamation point at the beginning.
I can't find that on my keyboard anywhere."
"Would that be the 'i' ?" I asked.
"Let me try that." said she. "Oh. That works."
Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld
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Subject: The DMV. After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"
Subject: An Irishman. An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guiness that never gets empty.
"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guiness bottle" he asks the Genies.
"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
Subject: The Best Memory Contest. Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
Subject: An American, a Canadian, and an Australian. An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
Subject: Gardening Advice. A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened: some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Wants and needs
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longings one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: TV, Food, Sex, and Beer
Communication
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male: Scratching out a note before taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Butt
Female: The body part that every item of clothing ever manufactured "makes bigger".
Male: The organ of mooning and farting.
Commitment
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
Entertainment
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two folds or three stooges.
Flatulence
Female: An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male: An endless source of enjoyment, self-expression and male-bonding.
Making Love
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
Remote control
Female: A device for changing from one TV station to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
Taste
Female: Something you must do frequently whenever you're cooking to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Thingie
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a women's bra.
Vulnerable
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to one another.
Male: Playing sports without wearing a cup.
Subject: Poor Mike Tyson. One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it all going?"
"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, they want to ban me for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any worse."
"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!"
Subject: Theoretical Question. At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.
Subject: The Wino and The Fag. One day a fag was jogging through the park. There was a wino passed out on the park bench, so the jogger decided ah what the hell went over dropped the wino's pants, gave it to him up the ass, then took $10.00 put it in the whino's pocket. When the wino awoke he reached in his pocket found the $10.00 and went straight to the liquor store, asked the clerk for his most expensive bottle of wine.
Next day the fag was jogging through park and again the same old wino is all passed out on the park bench so as it goes the fag decides ah what the heck, so he drops the wino's pants does up the ass again, puts another $10.00 in the wino's pocket. The wino wakes up finds the $10.00 heads straight to the liquor store told the clerk I want your best bottle of wine.
Come the 3rd day the fagget is jogging through the park sees the same old wino passed out. Says ah what hell one more time, so he drops the wino's pants and gives it to him up the ass, goes to get $10..00 out of his pocket and finds out he only has a $20.00 says ah what the heck gives the wino the $20.00. The wino wakes up finds the $20.00, goes right to the liquor store tells the clerk I want your cheapest bottle of wine. The clerk says wait a minute two days in a row you come in here with $10.00 and want my most expensive bottle of wine today, you have a $20.00 an want the cheapest.
The wino replies to the clerk yeah that expensive stuff is burning my ass.
Subject: Wedding Night. The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
"DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK
WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY
GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE SON OF A BITCH
WHO PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
Subject: Wedding Night Revisited. Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the pay back he knew was coming. Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to consummating the union. Upon waking after such an active night, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked 'Can I get breakfast for two?'. Before he was able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under the bed said 'Make that five...'
Subject: May I Have Your Opinion. These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"
Subject: Overheard in a Parking Lot. Two cars are parked together outside a supermarket. The Ford is scribbling furiously.
The Chevy asks "Hey. Whatcha' writing?"
"A book," frowns Ford.
"What's it about?," Chevy inquires.
"My life," offers Ford.
"What's it called?," Chevy continues.
"'An Autobiography,'" Ford states simply.
Subject: It'll Dry Out! My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the catalytic converter!"
"No, there's ~definitely~ water in the carburetor!" she insisted.
"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
Subject: Bubba. There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!
Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!" This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know President Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it.
But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!" And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTISED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, were never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.
Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside is Bubba! Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out.
Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss, what happened?"
Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!"
Subject: Ventriloquist. A mangy looking guy goes into a fancy bar and orders a beer and some food. The waiter says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my order?"
"Deal!"
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He puts the hamster on the bar. It runs to the end, skitters across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs.... and the hamster is really good.
The waiter says, "You're right! I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the beer and the hamburger. Eventually he asks the waiter for another.
"Money or another miracle," says the waiter.
The guy once more reaches into his coat and this time pulls out a frog. As soon as the frog is on the counter, it starts to sing.
Froggy has a marvelous voice and great pitch. Sounds sort of like Johnny Cash. A truly fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over. "I'll give you $300 for the frog!"
The guy says, "It's a deal." The guy takes the $300 and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger quickly runs out of the bar.
The waiter says to the guy, who is packing up his gear, "Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must be worth millions."
"Nope," says the guy. "The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
Subject: Oh Henry! A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.
"Henry," she said, "You know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."
"And Henry," she said, "You know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"
"And Henry," She continued, "You know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."
"Oh, and Henry," She Said, "You know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .
Subject: Situations. Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter...
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
Subject: Thirty New Yorkers. Thirty New Yorkers arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked at his list, then told the new arrivals, "I'm sorry, but there's been a mix-up. Someone gave me the wrong list, and I can't tell which of you I'm supposed to let in. Please wait here, while I go speak to God."
So St. Peter went to God and told Him: "There are thirty New Yorkers waiting to get into heaven, and I don't have the information about whom I'm supposed to let in and whom I turn back."
God told him: "Only ten of them are supposed to be let into heaven. You will have to prepare a test to see which ones are to join us."
St. Peter thanked God and left. Only a few moments later, St. Peter was back in God's presence, saying "They're gone!!"
"All thirty of them are gone?" said God.
"Not the New Yorkers," said St. Peter, "the gates!!"
Subject: Problems. Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing." said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig."
The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?"
"I don't wake up till eleven." he replied.
Subject: Smoking Dope. Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison.
Subject: Hubcaps. A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.
After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?" He says, We might as well. I can't get this damned hubcap off."
Subject: Three Contractors. Three contractors find themselves arriving at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter greets them and tells them that the pearly gates are broken and in need of repair.
He asks them each for estimates so god may choose a contractor.
The first contractor, Tyrone Johnson, examines the gates and announces an estimate of 300 dollars. St. Peter asks for an explanation.
He is told 100 dollars for materials, 100 dollars for labor and 100 dollars for profit.
The second contractor, Hiram Berganstein, examines the gates and announces an estimate of 900 dollars. St. Peter asks again and is told 300 dollars for materials, 300 dollars for labor and 300 dollars for profit.
The third contractor, Tony Carduchi, takes a look at the gates and announces an estimate of 2300 dollars.
St. Peter is taken back and asks Tony why such an high price.
Tony takes St. Peter aside and whispers "one thousand for me, one thousand for you, and we get Tyrone to do it for 300 dollars!".
Subject: The Perfect Gift. A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.
In due time, he received an acknowledgement. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
Subject: Please Take Me Off This List. I would sooner be boiled alive in peanut oil than take you off this list. You have no idea how much sheer joy I get in knowing that you can't get off this list and that every day you spend mind-numbing hours deleting the jokes and ephemira that gets posted here.
I have taken the liberty of adding your name to sixteen other joke lists, as well as two dealing with teenage sluts and one that specializes in beastiality binaries.
Please do not ask to be removed again. I get really pissed off.
Subject: Mexico. There was this guy from Mexico, visiting his relatives in California. While on his trip he got to see a lot of beautiful places. He went to San Francisco, San Jose, Santa Maria, San Diego and so on. When he returned back to his wife in Mexico, he started to tell her how beautiful California is and how all the places are named after a Saint and how helpful the people are. He proceeded to tell her that while asking for directions, they even named him after a Saint. The wife looked at him amazed and asked him "well what did they name you?" He replied " Son Of A Bitch"
Subject: Department Store. A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
Subject: The Balcony. When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat."
The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager!" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was.
The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" "The balcony."
Subject: Internet Cleaning. *** Attention ***
It's that time again! As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better-working and faster Internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 23:59 pm (GMT) on March 31st until 00:01 am (GMT) on April 2nd. During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet-crawling robots situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam. We thank you for your cooperation.
Fu Ling Yu Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff
Main Branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it. Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well. Thank you.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
Subject: Sleeping Hands. Attention-Attention
(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud)
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock.
She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
Subject: Three Pints of Guiness. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guiness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he comes back into to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in American, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
Subject: The Honeymoon Couple. A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in washington. The bride is concerned. "Waht if this place is still bugged?"
The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
Subject: Two Ducks. Two ducks were in a hotel room on their honeymoon. "Did you remembered the condoms", asks the wife duck. "No", he replies. "Why don't you call room service and ask them to bring some to the room".
When the busboy arrives with the package he asks "should I put them on your bill?"
He replies, "what do I look like, a pervert?!?!"
Subject: New Soft Drink Commercial. Snowwhite and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow-white decides to take a bath.
So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is preparing to take the bath. Dwarfs protest vehemently and then Snowwhite relents and says that when I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.
Snowwhite undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.
The moment the dwarfs hear the SPLASH, the Dwarfs turn around and see Snowwhite standing NAKED.
What product is being advertised?
Page down for answer NOW.
- - - - - - - - - SEVEN UP!
Subject: The Butcher and the Wife. The story goes that there was this foreign lady married to an American.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher's and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know what to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store
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What were you thinking???
She brought her husband along because the guy could speak English!
Subject: A Drunk. A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you`re doing? There`s a public toilet 20 metres from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back, "What do you think I have, a hose?!"
Subject: Bill x 3. The Russians and Americans were having one final mission to MIR and had selected 2 Astronauts and 1 Cosmonaut - all named Bill.
One American was named mission commander and the three were talking about the forthcoming mission......
"You know - we could get into trouble here" said Bill the mission commander.
"If I say Bill - push that button - we stand a very real risk of the wrong Bill pushing the wrong button and possible disaster - we must come up with some additional identifying names for each other".....
Commander Bill said, "Well I'm from Wyoming - so, you could call me Buffalo Bill".
"Excellent" said the second American - "I'm from Nevada so you could call me Dollar Bill".
The poor Russian was perplexed and kept tapping his forehead in thought, until it struck him and he beamed a big smile....he suddenly dropped his pants and produced a beautiful big penis with two heads on it...."You could call me Cherno-byl"!
Subject: Slow down or stop. A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please." Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began bonking it over the mans head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! Womp! Bang!
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
Subject: A Foursome. A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.
It was a yellow Titlist so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.
The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" and that was the last thing he could remember.
Subject: HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX. Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Book-keepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbage men come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals
Subject: Juan. During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.
A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
Subject: Late Bono. What was the most surprising thing about the discovery of Sonny's body?
That he was recognized.
Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?
After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.
How was the body found?
Sonny side up.
What's the difference between a dog and Michael Kennedy?
A dog barks a lot and bites; Michael Kennedy bites a lot of bark.
Subject: Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness...
Bo! Bo!! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!
.... and remember the surgeon in the movie, Cold Turkey who was trying to quit smoking - "Give the man a cigarette, please!"
Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government, business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial"on-line" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you-even if you have no previous computer experience-to provide the on-line services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for years to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the on-line service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat are
A. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.
Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.
Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly:
Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
(LONGISH PAUSE)
HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your...
HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ...YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON! HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!! Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni.- Whoops
Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.
Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.
Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter messages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.
Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.
Q. Are there forums about sex?
A. Zillions of them.
Q. What do people talk about on those?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. No, really.
A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human understanding.
Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A. It is.
Q. What is the "World Wide Web"?
A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite range of topics. This information is stored on "Web pages," which are maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen to all kinds of cool stuff.
Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A. It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a boat from an Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up your World Wide Web software and type in the company's Web page address, which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters like this:
http/:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum
Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.
Q. Ah.
A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press Enter, and there you are!
Q. Where?
A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen.
It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles..
It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at the boats in person.
Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A. Heck no! If you're willing to be patient, you'll find that you can utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you never before dreamed possible.
Q. For example?
A. For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser," which is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace - millions of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the Internet about that topic; it's an incredibly powerful research tool.
Q. That is truly beautiful.
A. Yes. And it's just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Don't be afraid!
Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address: ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters, fearful of what you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying: "If you don't leave the land, then you'll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes."
So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier, with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the betterment of the human race!
Wazootyman is waiting for you.
Subject: The Fireman. A man who worked for the fire department came home from work and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department:
Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats; Bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we are on the truck ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1 you strip naked; Bell 2 you jump into bed; Bell 3 we are going to screw all night long!"
The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1." She took off all her clothes; "Bell 2" she jumped into bed; "Bell 3" they began to screw!
After about 2 minutes she yelled "BELL 4!!"
He said "What the hell is Bell 4?"
"MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!!" she said, "You are nowhere near the fire!!"
Subject: Agator. An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So, the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day. A few hours later, he came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."
Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
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