 That's Odd.
That's Some Fish Story...
Think about it.
Let's Have A Baby.
Exhausted.
Hand grenades.
St. Peter.
Too Many Animals.
Formal education.
VP.
Over Qualified.
A new car.
Survivor.
The Bride.
Banking.
Help.
Virus.
Price Increase.
Traveling.
An American Tourist.
Fishing.
Air Travel.
Golf.
My Apartment.
Grandchild Wanted.
Ten Commandments.
Prayers.
Swindled.
Presents.
English.
A used car.
Black & White.
Canadian's.
Facts of Life.
Sneezes.
Dear Abby.
The Twin.
Vacation.
Quiz.
Men & Sex.
Cars in Heaven.
The Car.
Santa.
Women on Men.
Coming Home.
Golf?
Revenge.
Quick Thinking.
One Lie Leads to Another.
Husbands & Wives.
Art.
Sorry, No Answers.
Cheating or Falling?
The Bear.
Skiing.
Woman.
Three Couples.
1,2,3,...1,2,3,...1,2,3,...
Chickens in Space.
Fatherhood.
Nudist Colony.
Good News.
The 4-Letter Word.
Chain Letter.
Names.
The Tattoo.
Great Sense of Smell.
Degree courses for women.
Virus.
Where's the Mule?
Getting Connected.
Education.
Dear Dr. Ruth.
The DMV.
An Irishman.
Widow Spiders.
The Best Memory Contest.
An American, a Canadian, & an Australian.
Gardening Advice.
Sexual Positions.
Male/Female Definitions.
Poor Mike Tyson.
Theoretical Question.
The Wino & The Fag.
Wedding Night.
Wedding Night Revisited.
Blondes.
On a Plane.
Rearrange.
It'll Dry Out!
Bubba.
Marriage.
Ventriloquist.
Oh Henry!
Situations.
Thirty New Yorkers.
Problems.
Smoking Dope.
Hubcaps.
Three Contractors.
The Perfect Gift.
Please Take Me Off This List!
This Guy From Mexico.
Department Store.
The Balcony.
Internet Cleaning.
Sex Quotes.
Sleeping Hands.
Three Pints of Guiness.
The Honeymoon Couple.
Two Ducks.
Four Exuberant Blondes.
The Butcher & the Wife.
Bonus.
A Drunk.
Blonde Moment.
Funny?
Bill x 3.
Slow Down or Stop.
A foursome.
How "They" Do It.
Juan.
Late Bono.
Don't Want to Hear.
Oh Well...
The Fireman.
Agator.
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 Top
Subject: That's Odd.
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."
Top
Subject: That's Some Fish Story...
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
Top
Subject: Think About It.
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00a.m.
While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in his electric skillet (made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying American job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia),
then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.
Top
Subject: Let's Have A Baby.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Top
Subject: Exhausted.
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Top
Subject: Hand Grenades.
Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
Top
Subject: St. Peter.
A nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter's gate. St. Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks: Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?
Well says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and then I kicked all their hogs over, all six of them, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also."
St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?"
The accountant replies "About five minutes ago".
Top
Subject: Too Many Animals.
A small boy walked into a police station one day and said, 'I've got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.'
'Are the any windows in your room?' asked the officer.
'Yes, of course there are!' said the boy.
'Have you tried opening them?'
'What and lose all my pigeons?'
Top
Subject: Formal Education.
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."
"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"
"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."
Top
Subject: VP.
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
Top
Subject: Over Qualified.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the entire store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - Let me show you how."
Top
Subject: A New Car.
Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"
The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"
Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning."
Top
Subject: Survivor.
Here's news about the next planned "Survivor" show.
Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance.
The winner gets to go back to his job.
Top
Subject: The Bride.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Top
Subject: Banking.
Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank if they offered on-line banking.
"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the windows, "The line starts over there."
Top
Subject: Help.
Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.
"I'm the president," I replied.
There was a pause. "I'll call back later," he said, "I need to talk to someone who knows something."
Top
Subject: Virus.
Column 8 reports:
"Atlanta, Ga - Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control today confirmed that foot & mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook e-mail application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus."
That should make everybody sleep easier.
Top
Subject: Price Increase.
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, " Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
Top
Subject: Traveling.
Two friends in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia.
When the two friends got off the plane--still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots--they wandered into a pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said "G'day, mates. Where'er you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
Don't know, replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English."
Top
Subject: An American Tourist.
An American tourist was visiting a quaint country village, and got talking to an old man in the local pub. 'And have you lived here all your life, Sir ?' asked the American.
'Not yet, m'dear,' said the villager wisely.
Top
Subject: Fishing.
Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.
"That was a nice gesture," says the other man.
"Oh," replies the first, "it was the least I could do, we were married for 25 years."
Top
Subject: Air Travel.
It was mealtime during a trip on a small airline in the Northwest.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Top
Subject: Golf.
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
Top
Subject: My Apartment.
Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."
Top
Subject: Grandchild Wanted.
A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.
"Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." He then proceeded to bow his head down to pray.
When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.
Top
Subject: Ten Commandments.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Top
Subject: Prayers.
My 10 yr old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen", she says "click, send."
Top
Subject: Swindled.
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Top
Subject: Presents.
The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"
Top
Subject: English As She Is Spelled.
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.
When eye strike a quay, right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Sauce unknown
Top
Subject: A Used Car.
Friend of mine bought a used car with a Kansas City Chiefs bumper sticker on it.
Being a Dallas Fan, he scraped it off and put on a Cowboys one.
Ya know, the car ran and passed better within a few minutes.
Top
Subject: Black and White.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Top
Subject: Canadian's ... and the Rest of the World.
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada we have two Seasons...
six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!"
A Quebec guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
On the first day of Grade Three, little Chris Warrick's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Chris did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Chris outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Chris noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Top
Subject: Facts of Life.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. ... wedding cake!
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Top
Subject: Sneezes.
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman, now feeling embarrassed, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Top
Subject: Dear Abby.
Dear Abby:
I have a problem.
I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.
One of my brothers plays for the Kansas City Chiefs and the other one is sentenced to die in the electric chair for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was 6 years old.
Both of my sisters are into prostitution and one of them has aids, and my father sells drugs to junior high school kids.
Well, I recently met a girl who was released from a reformatory, where she was doing time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl with all my heart and I want to marry her.
Here is my problem: Do I tell her about my brother who plays for the Chiefs?
Top
Subject: Learning a Language.
Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York. The owner had a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.
One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish. The customer was so impressed, he found the owner.
"I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn Yiddish?" he asked the owner.
"Shhh" the owner replied. "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"
Top
Subject: Vacation.
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Top
Subject: Quiz.
This separates the dumb people from the really dumb people.
Answer the following 13 questions.
DON'T CHEAT!! Here we go.
Q: 1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 1. YES
====================================================
Q: 2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 2. 1
====================================================
Q: 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 3. ALL
====================================================
Q: 4. How many outs are there in an inning?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 4. 6
====================================================
Q: 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 5. NO
====================================================
Q: 6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 6. 70
====================================================
Q: 7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 7. 2
====================================================
Q: 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half
hour. How long will the pills last?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 8. 1 HOUR
====================================================
Q: 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 9. 9
====================================================
Q: 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 10. NONE
====================================================
Q: 11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 11. MEAT
====================================================
Q: 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 12. 12
====================================================
Q: 13. What was the President's name in 1960?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 13. BILL
Top
Subject: Men & Sex.
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex.
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on those days that started with "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tonight, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.
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Subject: Cars in Heaven.
Three friends are in a car driving to the ball game when a Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?
And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know.
"Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was banging two maybe tree different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
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Subject: The Car.
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies,
"Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!
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Subject: Santa.
Why did Santa and Mrs. Claus never had kids?????
ANSWER BELOW BUT NO CHEATING...
. . . . . . .
Coz he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney...
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Subject: Women on Men.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions!
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through it's pecker!
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
What's the difference between a man and a lawn mower?
Lawn mowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A hunting licence.
What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candle lit football stadium.
What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why do men talk so dirty?
So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364 days?
The card.
How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.
Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do, it's odd!
What happens when a man opens his zipper?
His brains fall out.
Why did God make women so stupid?
Someone had to like men!
Why did God put men on Earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!
What does PMS stand for?
Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity
If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?
Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in!
Why do women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay!
What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
What did God say when he made man?
I'll get it right next time.
Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Why do men float better than women?
Cause men are scum!
Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis?
So they can get some air to their brains.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?
So they can tell if their Cuming or Going...
How many men does it take to put the seat down?
Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet.
Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbitt computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3 ? floppy!
...Now, The Gentlemen
Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a womans' nipples for?
It's Braille for "suck here".
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
Why was the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
Why can't you trust a woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
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Subject: Coming Home.
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: "Nope. You are.
I'm going to set the garage on fire."
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Subject: Golf?
Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.
The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.
The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.
The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.
The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".
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Subject: Revenge of the Unfaithful.
Two high school sweethearts went out together for four years in high school. They were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they both wanted to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy to the west coast. The agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl, but she would never be home. When he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well, so he increased the frequency of his calls, letters, and emails to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, the guy was heart-broken, but even more so, he was pissed. What he did next was awesome. He took the photo and wrote the following on the back:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Having a great time at college,
Please send more money!!"
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Subject: Quick Thinking.
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.You think on your feet and we like that around here. Were are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada sir".
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
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Subject: One Lie Leads to Another.
A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a hotel and go have strenuous sex all afternoon. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 at night.
They have sex again, and then the man realizes it's time to go home. He says to his secretary, "Take my shoes outside while I get dressed and drag them through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies.
When the man gets home about 9:30pm his wife confronts him and asks where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right home."
The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"
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Subject: Husbands & Wives.
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the men is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man shrugs then replies, "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."
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Subject: Art.
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked & very black men sitting on a park bench.
What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."
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Subject: Sorry, No Answers...Just More Questions...
Why does the word "sanction" mean both to permit and to prohibit?
Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect (what do they have in common?)
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it's already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
How can you "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"?
Why did the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when we're already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it off you can't see to read.
How do you know when it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why is FOOTball played by hand?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive then why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work on snowy mornings?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year then why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughs real hard would milk come out of its nose?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to pans?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why is it they can't make an airplane out of the same material as that little black box data recorder?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in the driveway?
Why does AT&T advertise "Reach Out and Touch Someone" when that's the one thing you can't do with a phone?
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Subject: Cheating or Falling?
An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me 'I have cheated with Anthony ... I have cheated with Mary ... I have cheated with Frankie.' I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when you come into my confessional, you will say 'I have fallen with Anthony, or with Mary, or with Frankie.' No more using the word CHEAT. It will be FALL."
About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger man.
No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are falling all over the place."
The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.
The priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing! Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times.!"
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Subject: The Bear.
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?" He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to outrun *you*."
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Subject: Skiing.
This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
-------------------------------------------------
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride amotorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
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Subject: Woman.
An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."
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Subject: Three Couples.
Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one winter evening, and as they were rounding the turn the driver lost control of the vehicle, which ran off the road and down a hillside, bursting into flame and killing everyone inside.
Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St. Peter.
Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said, "YOU? All YOU ever thought about in life was drinking! You drank every morning, every evening, on the weekends, at lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!"
He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU! You thought of nothing but money! Everything in your life had to do with greed, money, making money, keeping money, making more money...you even married a girl named Penny!"
The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away. "Come on, Fanny, I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say to us."
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Subject: 1,2,3, 1,2,3, 1,2,3,
Two dwarves decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas.
At the hotel bar, they are dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms.
The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he is unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date.
His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of "ONE, TWO, THREE ... HUH!" all night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shakes his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asks. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"
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Subject: Chickens in space.
A True Story...
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun whose purpose is to launch dead chickens. It's used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. As such, it simulates the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, thereby determining if the windshields are strong enough.
British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test it out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon firing it, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the train engineer's back rest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a three-word response:
"Thaw the chicken."
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Subject: Fatherhood.
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."
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Subject: Nudist Colony.
This old guy goes to a nudist colony, and thinks about joining.
Puffing his Cohiba, he strolls into the reception. "How much does this place cost to join?" he asks.
"It's US$1,000 a membership," says the bare lady behind the counter.
"$1,000!" he exclaims. "That's a lot of money," he says, chewing on his gasper.
"Well, I tell you what sir, I could let you go inside for a few hours, and if you don't enjoy yourself, you don't have to join," she says.
This sounds logical, so he goes to the changing room, strips off, and starts strolling around. The grounds aren't too crowded, and they're very nicely gardened. Admiring the flowers, a cute young lady comes walking around the corner, naked as the day she was born. Seeing her gives him an immediate stiffy and she giggles at him.
"It's soooo cute!" she cries, then drops to her knees, does the deed, and gives him a BIG smile. Once she's done, he runs back in the reception room, pays his $1,000, and happily keeps walking around, admiring the views.
Walking around a turn, he drops his cigar. Bending over to pick it up, a young guy comes running up and rams it in.
The old guy runs back in a huff to the reception, demanding his money back.
"I don't understand sir - just a minute ago you were perfectly happy," says the confused receptionist.
"You're right you don't understand, honey - at my age I get an erection maybe once a month. I drop my cigar five or six times a day!"
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Subject: Good news.
One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife.
She told him that she has good news and that she had bad news.
He said "Well, give me the good news first."
She said "The good news is that the air bag works."
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Subject: The 4-Letter Word.
Patient: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
Patient: "Oops!"
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Subject: Chain Letter.
*** Be sure to read this letter with your eyes tightly closed or they'll melt into little gooey puddles and run down your cheeks in a sickening manner ***
This is no ordinary chain letter. This one's really real. Yup. If you don't send this to at least 23486478.2754 people within the next 17 seconds you'll most likely spend the rest of your life wandering lucklessly on some bleak antarctic island, where you'll meet evil polar bears who have been waiting for 33 years, walking uphill both ways in the ice just to devour you, and they'll mutter obscenities at you while they do it just because they're cold. And after that you'll drag yourself into a tiny cave with your last remaining limb and you'll think you're safe but you won't be, because an ancient race of primates with evil magic will curse you even more and then they'll teleport you to an asylum, and you'll have to watch 32 and a half year's worth of black and white re-runs, after which you'll be released and sent to West Virginia and you'll be forced to spend years and years living in a trailer park with a 87% redneck population.
Some comments from people who have not completed the chain:
"Ouch, my last remaining limb is acting up again"
"Those ancient primates sure were ugly"
"Stupid rednecks keep putting tobacco stains on my trailer"
"The Lone Ranger sure is a good show. This episode's pretty good too, but not as good as #462. I like that one almost as good as episode #177"
However, if you complete the chain you'll have an unnoticeable amount of good luck. You might THINK this chain letter didn't do anything, but it really will have and you just wont notice it. Here are some comments from people who completed the chain:
"I won 2 dollars in the lottery today! Must be that chain letter giving me good luck"
"Hey, I didn't die today! That chain letter really DOES work"
So be sure to send it to at least 23486478.2754 people in the next 17 seconds. You've already read what can happen if you don't!
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Subject: Names.
Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one winter evening, and as they were rounding the turn the driver lost control of the vehicle, which ran off the road and down a hillside, bursting into flame and killing everyone inside.
Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St. Peter.
Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said, "YOU? All YOU ever thought about in life was drinking! You drank every morning, every evening, on the weekends, at lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!"
He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU! You thought of nothing but money! Everything in your life had to do with greed, money, making money, keeping money, making more money...you even married a girl named Penny!"
The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away. "Come on, Fanny, I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say to us."
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Subject: The Tattoo.
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis. The owner agreed and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great and he paid for the service.
That night when the man went home he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his new tattoo.
He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?".
She said...
"You tell me how to cook...",
"You tell me how to clean the house...",
"You tell me how to do the laundry..."
"And now you are going to put words in my mouth!"
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Subject: Great Sense of Smell.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meat loaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
Mary the cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
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Subject: Degree Courses For Women.
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: The art of swallowing.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.
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Subject: Virus.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin for error).
TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screens splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money...
ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs -- only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
NEW YORK JETS VIRUS
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
O.J. VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
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Subject: Where's the Mule?
Jim Long of Alabama says that in the old days when he was a kid, the preacher always rode a mule to church.
One Sunday Morning, he awoke to find that his mule was not there.
He walked to the church, fuming all the way about how he knew someone in his church had taken his mule and he was going to lay down the law (or the Ten Commandments), laying a guilt trip on the guy who took his mule.
He started out with the First Commandment and really bore down on "Thou Shalt Not Steal" but by the time he got to the Commandment on "Adultery" he remembered where he left his mule.
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Subject: Getting Connected.
This person was trying to get signed on to the Internet.
Every time she tried to connect, the password was rejected.
When she finally called, I asked her to enter the password again.
She said, "I've been meaning to ask you about that password.
There is an upside-down exclamation point at the beginning.
I can't find that on my keyboard anywhere."
"Would that be the 'i' ?" I asked.
"Let me try that." said she. "Oh. That works."
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Subject: Education.
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had, so he sent me to a girls' school.
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Subject: Dear Dr. Ruth.
Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld
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cinsely ous
mdyl
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Subject: The DMV.
After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and r |