Subject: Search Party. The man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
Subject: Radio. Saba was telling the little ones of how it was when he was a young boy in Brooklyn, in Manhattan's immigrant ghetto.
"When I was a kid," he said, "we didn't even have a radio. So our dad bored a hole through the wall into the neighbor's living room to hear all the great boxing fights. That's when we discovered that they didn't have a radio either."
Subject: The Lamp. A lady goes into a furniture store. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.
She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street, these are only $49.95!"
The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from down the street, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."
The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"
Murphy's Technology Law #1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Murphy's Technology Law #2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Murphy's Technology Law #3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Murphy's Technology Law #4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Murphy's Technology Law #5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Murphy's Technology Law #6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Murphy's Technology Law #7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Murphy's Technology Law #8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Murphy's Technology Law #9:
All's well that ends... period.
Murphy's Technology Law #10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Murphy's Technology Law #11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Murphy's Technology Law #12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
Murphy's Technology Law #13:
New systems generate new problems.
Murphy's Technology Law #14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
Murphy's Technology Law #15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.
Murphy's Technology Law #16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Murphy's Technology Law #17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Subject: Graduates. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"
Subject: Dennis Rodman. A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous basketball player, known for the wildly changing color and style of his hair.
They liked each other and the women went back with him to his hotel room. He removed his shirt revealing all of his tattoos and she saw that on his right arm was a tatoo which said, "Reebok".
She thought that was a bit odd and asked him about it.
Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bitlater, his pants came off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the corner of the room.
Rodman said, "What's wrong?"
The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tatoo on his penis which read "AIDS" . Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He said, "It's cool baby, don't worry, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
Subject: Goony bird. After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato,
became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and
watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she
did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with
some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom.
Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird
with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble
running down the side of its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was
a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To
demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the
Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the
table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful
forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said,
"Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and
demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention,
nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she
entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa
guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got
a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"
Subject: Stop press. The new version of Windows 98 is to be renamed Windows Diana as it is superficially attractive, wastes valuable resources and crashes horribly.
Subject: "The Meaning of Moaning" or "Why some Men have Affairs." Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.
"I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair
with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to
me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised
your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years.
What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best
wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one.
You don't moan when we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right,
come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the
sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks,
"Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie.
"What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of Sadie and begins to have intercourse.
"Is it time for me to moan yet, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when." (Huh? - ^v^)
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching
climax, Morris yells,
"Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I've had!"
Lorena Bobbit Virus
turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Woody Allen Virus
bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Tonya Harding Virus
turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Paul Revere Virus
warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg
Ollie North Virus
plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files
Ronald Reagan Virus
saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Jane Fonda Virus
attacks your hard drive's FAT
Oprah Winfrey virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine
Federal Beaurocrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything
Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again
LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".
O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it
Subject: 4-letter words... A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately
called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So
romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we
returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd
never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to
come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too
awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like:
DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK "
Subject: SOME VERY FUNNY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES. Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, please leave
a mesasage but." Well here are some novel new messages for you to try.
It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering...
1) Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money
2) Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
3) "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets."
4) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
5) (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort
is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
6) "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need
their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone
service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you."
7) The College Special.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.
8) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you
leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
9) "If you are a burglar calling to check, then we're probably at
home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
10) "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
11) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.
Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
Subject: The curator. The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local
artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought.
The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's
mindset during the debacle at the Little Big Horn.
Deep in thought, the artist went to his studio. After many
false starts, he proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.
Finally, after many months of work, the painting was
unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful
crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the
fish's head is a halo. In the background, the hills and
meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees.
In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "what the hell has
this got to do with Custer's Last Thought?"
The artist replied, "It's simple; Custer's last thought had to
have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking
Indians come from?"
Subject: Five bucks. A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a
perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker
comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"
"For how much?" asks the man.
"One hundred dollars."
"I'll give you five bucks."
The girl spits at him and walks away. A little later, the man's
wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the
first corner they come to there is the same hooker. She takes
one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see
what you get for five bucks?"
Subject: Three men. Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass
a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get
ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate
ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove
the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be
eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in
pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should
be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he
burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with
it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
Subject: HOW TO SCREW UP AN INTERVIEW. We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those
interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't
fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we
knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light
years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American
corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music
at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office
a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel
executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger
and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup
on hr sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by
having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific
interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap
dancing around my office."
9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went
through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.
Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out
a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping
longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's
brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had
to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his
wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company?
When do I start? What's the salary?"
I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview
any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.
"I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job
offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents
spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup
and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the
unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my
desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and
wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that
if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began
to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call
the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and
ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
Subject: WIFE NUMBER 4??? Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community,
are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet,
nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to
him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him
and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend
and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20
years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other
side of the pool, she yells,
"Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
Subject: A man is out drinking. A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes
he has stayed out too late and is in for trouble when he gets home.
"No problem" says his friend, "Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the
bedroom crawl up under the blanket between her legs and do a little
oral sex! She will forget all about being mad and fall right asleep."
So the guy gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps in as quietly
as he can and tiptoes into his bedroom. Following his friends advice, he
proceeds under the blanket and does the deed to gentle moaning and,
finally, soft snoring.
Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the
bathroom to change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of his
wife sitting on the commode. "Shhhhhhh........" she says, "Mother's in
town."
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?
A. Although married people E-MAIL quite often, there are many
single people who E-MAIL to complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and
were only allowed to write their memos to each other until they
were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before
they can E-MAIL?
A. E-MAILing can be performed at any age once you learn the
correct procedures.
Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL, is
this legal?
A. Yes! Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and
must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a
cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I E-MAIL
prematurely?
A. Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't E-MAILed
in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try
again.
Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions
become mixed up?
A. Being bi-E-MAILual can be confusing, but as long as you use a
cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Subject: MARTIAN LOVE. The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
Subject: VIRUS WARNING!!! If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes", delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus
yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble
any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk
curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram
your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your
ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your
fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the
coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys
when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you
hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in
love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus
midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine,
all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing
their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm
disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged
in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags
from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It
is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is
also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs. Be
very, very afraid.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!!
Subject: Fresh pilot. It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
Subject: My Very First Time. The sky was dark,The moon was high, All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft, Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what, She wanted to do,
Her skin so soft, Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers, Down her spine, I didn't know how,
But I tried my best, I started by placing,
My hands on her breast, I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart, But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart, And when I did it, I felt no shame,
All at once, The white stuff came, At last it's finished,
It's all over now, My first time ever
For Immediate Release
FROM: Management
SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.
Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.
Subject: Cowboys... An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on
the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've
never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend
my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think
of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To
which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Subject: Numbers Game. MY number is 8. Remember that!
Now, you think of a number between 1 and 10. That is YOUR number.
Now:
1. Double YOUR number.
2. Add 2.
3. Multiply the answer by 5.
4. Subtract 2.
5. Write the total on a piece of paper.
The first digit of the total is YOUR number and the last digit of the total is MY number
NOW... WASN'T THAT FUN?
Subject: The Trains (Riddle). A train operated by a Norwegian-American engineer starts from
Minneapolis to Chicago just as a train with a drunken engineer leaves
Chicago for Minneapolis. There is only one track, no switches or siding,
yet the trains do not collide. Why? ... Because:
Norse is Norse, and souse is souse, and never the trains shall meet.
Subject: Sad news. There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who
wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that
they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in.....
Subject: Yuppie. A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came
along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the
police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly
about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!" retorted
the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you
didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the
bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
Subject: Plane crash. A two-seat plane crashed into a cemetery today.
Search and Rescue Workers have recovered 300 hundred bodies so far.
More are expected as digging continues into the evening.
Subject: Bob, thy name is Jack. Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's
station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the
lady of the house if they can spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she
explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months
later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his
friend Bob and says, "Do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we
stayed at?" Yes, I do." "Did you happen to go up to the house and have sex
with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you use my name? Bob's
face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks a lot,
pal...she just died and left me her farm."
Subject: A lesson in biology. A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what his future held
for him.The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful girl, who will want
to know everything about you." "That's great !" said the frog. "Where will
I meet her? At a party, in the pond?"The psychic hesitated, then
responded,
"You will meet her next semester,in Biology lab!"
Subject: Shoes. A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes."How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
Subject: Press "any" Key... Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where
the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system couldn't read word processing files from his
old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to
type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the
tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting
up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting
the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got
me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told
Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you
meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub
with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then
removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".
The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and
"invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when
she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and
pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's
because I am. Did you receive this as part of a
promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup
holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about
a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point
the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of
the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off
the drive!
Subject: Three photographers. Three photographers and three cannibals are traveling together through a
jungle when they come to a river. The largest boat available can carry
only two people at a time. The photographers are safe only if there are
equal numbers of photographers and cannibals on each side of the river or
more photographers than cannibals; otherwise, the photographers become
dinner. How can they all get across?
ANSWER:
A cannibal and a photographer cross. The photographer returns. Two
cannibals cross. One cannibal returns. Two photographers cross. One
cannibal and one photographer return. Two photographers cross. One
cannibal returns. Two cannibals cross. One cannibal returns. Two
cannibals cross.
Subject: What is the difference. What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?
An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next year.
A Sicilian actuary can give you their names......
Subject: Apologies in advance... A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he
said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she
replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said". Well, as these
things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether
it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist
party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it",
the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially
raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said,
"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?".
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the
woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!" The man quietly
replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"!
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then----
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press----
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop!
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye!
Subject: NO SHIT. I walked into a shower room and there was a guy with a cork up
his ass. I asked him how this came to be and he told me. "I was
walking in the desert when I found a genies lamp. I rubbed it and
the genie popped out saying,
"You have set me free and for that I will grant you one wish"
"No shit"
Subject: The presents. Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading
the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that
recites the whole bible -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
"AVRAHAM," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one
room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"MOISHE", she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain
in the tuchas."
"But DAVID", she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS."
Subject: A jogger. While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis
ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the
pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
Subject: Something to consider. A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
Subject: WHO'S THE STRONGEST? A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
Around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bar tender would
Squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the
Lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the
Money. Many people tried but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
Polyester suit. He said in a squeaky voice, "i'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed
It. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man
Who clenched it in his small fist.
Soon the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as six drops of
Juice fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the
$1,000 and asked the little man, " what do you do for a living?" The
Little man replied with a winning smile, "I work for The IRS!"
(For our Non American Joke Members - THE IRS is the government tax authority
Subject: OLIVES. McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled
with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had
done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives."
Subject: An author. An author writes a book every two years. When his seventh book is
published, the sum of the years in which they were all published is
13,804. In which years were his seven books published?
ANSWER:
The average of all seven years is the same as the middle year, the year
the fourth book was published. Therefore 13,804 divided by 7 gives the
middle year: 1972. There were thus three books earlier than that - in 1970,
1968, and 1966 - and three books later - in 1974, 1976, and 1978.
Subject: Take some time to ponder this. Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with
$86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it
deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.
What would you do?
Draw out every cent, of course!!!!
Each of us has such a bank.
It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to
invest to good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you.
Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back.
There is no drawing against the "tomorrow".
You must live in the present on today's deposits.
Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and
success! The clock is running.
Make the most of today.
I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
A married lady would possess one
A divorced lady would loose her one
A Pope doesn't use his one
Lee Kuan Yew has a short-short one
Mao Ze Dong had a hairy one
Lord Krishna had a long-long one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
Subject: Chickens crossing roads. QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road ???
------------------------------------------------
ANSWERS...
TEACHER:
To get to the other side.
PLATO:
For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE:
It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.
TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
ANDERSON CONSULTING:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening it's dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Anderson Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Information Model (PIM), Anderson helped the chicken to use it's skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experience to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Anderson Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson Consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to to synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message aligned with chicken's mission, vision and core values. Anderson Consulting helped the chicken become more successful. We also charged it a lot of money for stating the obvious.
LOUIS FARRAKAN:
The road, you see represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING Jr:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
FOX MULDER (X-files):
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?
RICHARD M.NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurities.
BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 ( with integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your chequebook.
OLIVER STONE:
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN:
Chickens, over a great period of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to crossroads.
EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA:
Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road.... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever;
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated percentage of American adults who go on a diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with the highest per capita viewership of television evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. Percentage of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. Percentage of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonalds each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antartica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz ketchup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than woman.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.
Delta Airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking,
"What trip?"
Subject: Warning! WARNING-WARNING-WARNING-WARNING
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia announced today that the President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides.
Subject: KGB. Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
Subject: Ready for a swim? One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.
The guy gets up on the life guard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money."
No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."
Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."
Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."
"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging.
Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on tower jumps down and runs over to him.
"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done.
Do you want the money now or later?"
"I don't want the money."
"Do you want the house now or later?"
"I don't want the house."
"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"
"I don't want the cars or the planes."
"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"
"I don't want the bonds, stocks or stuff."
"Do you want the girls now or later?"
"I don't want the girls."
The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!"
"I want the bastard that pushed me in."
Subject: Men & women. The difference between men and women in one paragraph:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH."
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Subject: Dog Deal. A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.
"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
Subject: Hole diggers. A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.
Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."
Subject: The limo man... One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two metres tall!"
Subject: Birthday Present. Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said " I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday-she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".
His buddy said " I have an idea-why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it-she'll probably be thrilled".
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did" said the fellow.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
Subject: Bright Red Tomatoes. Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained.
"Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!
Subject: The Farmer. A farmer and his wife are lying in bed one night when the farmer starts to rub her breasts.
He says "If these would only give milk, then we could get rid of our cows."
After a few minutes he starts rubbing her bottom. He says "If this would only lay eggs, then we could get rid of our chickens."
After a while his wife starts rubbing his "pride & joy".
She says "If this would only be of service more often then we could get rid of the farmhand!"
Subject: What If. Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Billy Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Billy Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Billy Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.",
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
Billy Bob answered, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
Subject: The wife found her husband. The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said.
"Yes" she responded, "so what?"
"I would have gotten out of prison today!" he sobbed.
Subject: Surprise!! There was an aged pilot who was known for being obnoxious. Not only did the flight attendents hate him for his crude remarks but the other pilots despised him for giving all pilots a bad name.
Seems he was particularly infamous for calling the flight attendents in their hotel rooms shortly after reaching the layover hotel. This call was generally an indecent proposal. Although this proposition was universally declined, he obviously maintained hope that some day his luck would change.
One evening after a long day he made his regular phone call to a young flight attendant who had been very nice to him all day. With hopes high he suggested that he come to her room. Being a new hire and impressed with his position of authority she somewhat reluctantly agreed on the condition that the other members of the crew be kept in the dark the following day. Our intrepid aviator gladly agreed to her terms.
Thinking that he would make quick work of this neophyte he ran to the elevator all the while thinking of the bragging rights that he would soon have.
Reaching her room he found the door ajar. Upon entering he heard the shower running. The young but not so innocent flight attendant called out to him, "You'll find some wine on the desk. Why don't you pour a couple of glasses and join me for a shower?"
Not believing his good fortune his trembling hands poured the wine and tore off his clothes.
Fully at attention and with a drink in both hands he threw open the bathroom door. Inside he found the beautiful young flight attendant and the rest of the crew, fully clothed.
Subject: Sara Pipalini. Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Sara Pipalini".
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"
Subject: Daddy? A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son.
The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day,granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.
His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
"Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning."
Subject: Prostitutes & Sign. Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion."
So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which read.........."TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00!!!!"
Subject: Hen-Pecked. Up in Heaven there are two lines. One has a sign that says
"If you were Henpecked line up here"
The other says "If you weren't henpecked stand here"
One day St. Peter was looking at the new arrivals and he saw the "henpecked" line went on forever...while the "non-henpecked" line only had 1 guy standing in it.
St. Peter walked up to him and said "You mean to tell me you were never henpecked in your whole life??"
The guy said "Well I guess not....this is where my wife told me to stand"
Subject: THE THREE BEARS. The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court.
Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said
"No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear,
"She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Subject: The Priest Pays A Visit. There was a priest who went to pay a visit to the home of a 92-year-old church member.
While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful old organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it.
After tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. She explained, "While in town, I found a package on the sidewalk and took it home.
The directions on the back said 'Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease' and you know, I think it works; I haven't had a cold all winter..."
Subject: The Nun and The Farmboy. There was a nun who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they finished eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon these 2 horses that were mating.
She looked at them with wonder because she'd never seen anything like that before, so she asks the boy, "What are they doing?"
He replied, "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" she asked.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she questioned.
"Those are his knots."
She thought for a second and said, "Oh, OK. I got it."
As they continue their stroll, They come to a barn and went in.
She looked at him and said, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited he agreed. While they're getting at all hot and heavy, she grabbed his "jewels" and squeezed!
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouted.
She innocently replied, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope."
Subject: The Adopted Turtle. A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male:
"Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."
Subject: Two Bit Girlfriend. A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender says "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and called her a two-bit tramp." "Yeah," says the bartender "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters" he replied.
Subject: The Energizer Bunny. I'm saddened to announce the passing of "THE ENERGIZER BUNNY"
His death occurred in the early morning on December 21, 1997.
The ENERGIZER BUNNY, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42 a.m.
Upon completion of the autopsy early in the morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Foul play has not been ruled out.
Apparently, someone put the batteries in backwards and the bunny was found just "coming and coming and coming..."
Subject: What am I??? This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
What am i???
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is
none other than your very own...
...toothbrush...
what were you thinking? You pervert!
Subject: Flying. A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"You mean you're not the flight instructor!!!?"
Subject: Childhood Diseases. Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undress together for the first time.
He took off his shoes and socks amd his toes were all twisted and discolored.
" What happened to your feet"? His wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio.
"Don't you mean polio."She said. "No tolio-it only affected my toes".
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
" What happened to your knees?"she asked.
"Well, I had kneesles"he said.
" Don't you mean measles? she asked.
"No kneesles, it only affects the knees"
Well he then removed his shorts and his wife gasped and said
"Don't tell me you had smallcox too!!!!!"
Subject: Strings. There were these three strings, doing what most strings do on a Saturday night -- hanging out downtown.
They decided that for a change this Saturday night they would go down to the neighborhood bar and have a drink together.
Now they had heard rumors about this particular bar, that they didn't appreciate strings coming in there, but they figured, "What the heck, we can at least give it a try."
So they walked down to the bar and hung around outside until one of the strings got up enough courage to go inside. The plan was he would go inside and if everything went well he would motion from his two friends to come on inside with him. So having got his courage up he walked in, sat at the bar, and ordered a beer.
The bartender looked his way and realizing that that was a string sitting at the bar he challenged him. "Hey, you at the end of the bar! Yeah, you. Aren't you a string?"
The string answered him rather sheepishly, "Yes sir, I'm."
The bartender boomed, "We don't serve stings here." And sent the first string on his way.
The first string went outside, where his two companions were waiting for him. The second string said to him, "You need to be more assertive, you were too meek when you answered him. Let me show you how it is done."
With that the second string sauntered into the bar and sat down. But unlike the first string he demanded of the bartender, "Barkeep, give me a beer," speaking in the most authoritative voice a string can muster.
The bartender turned and to his surprise there he saw yet another string at the bar. He was really starting to get ticked off about this (he really couldn't stand strings). He asked the second string, "Aren't you a string?"
To which the second string answered, "Yeah I am, what about it?"
Now if there one thing bartender couldn't stand and that was a smart aleck string, "I told your friend, we don't serve strings here! Now get out."
The second string, realizing that it was no use, hung his head and walked out the door of the bar.
By the time he got outside the third string had come up with a plan. He had tied a big bow in his middle and unraveled one of his ends. He told the other two, "I'm go to try something, if it works ya'll come on in." With that he walked in to the bar and sat down.
"Bartender, I'll have a beer."
The bartender turned and saw the third string sitting at the bar. He was really getting steamed by this time."Aren't you a string?" He demanded.
To which the third string replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Subject: LETTER TO A SERVICE MAN. The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying...
"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Subject: The Zen Master (Pun). The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet.
He goes up to a hot dog cart and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
And the vendor responds, ... "Change must come from within."
Subject: A bar. Gentleman walks into a bar and orders a beer. Looking around, he sees that the bartender owns a gorilla that sits on the end of the bar. He mentions this to the bartender and the bartender says, "This is the greatest gorilla in the world. Watch this!" He walks down to the end of the bar and grabs a billy club and smacks the gorilla in the back of the head. The gorilla jumps up, pours a drink for the bartender, whips down the bartender's pants, and starts blowing him. The customer walks down to the end of the bar and says, "That's the wildest thing I've ever seen." The bartender says, "You want to try it?" The customer says, "Sure, just don't hit me so hard with that billy club."
Subject: Job Application. A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department Manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question # 5, "I don't know".
You put down "Neither do I."
Subject: Twins. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Subject: Virus Warning. This virus warning is genuine.
There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
Subject: Moment of critical research. M&Ms
====
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:
M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown,
NJ 17840-1503
U.S.A.
along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money".
I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.
There can be only one.
-Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!! Eject!!! Eject!!!
5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone has noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
9. This is your Captain speaking....these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh crap...
12. Don't worry that one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
Subject: Anniversary. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Subject: Moth Balls. Two drunks leave a bar and decide they'll try to drive home. As they drive down Main Street, Lorraine Bobbit is driving the car ahead of them immediately following her infamous hatchet job. As she's driving, she reaches into her pocket and finds her husbands man hood inside!
She rolls down the window and flings it out the car, hitting the windshield of the drunk's car behind them.
Shocked, one guy turns to the other and says "Jeeez - did you see the size of the dick on that moth???"
Subject: The Gift. A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he receives an acknowledgement: "Thanks for the vase." it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
Subject: TIMELY VALUES. To realize the value of one year, Ask a student who failed an exam.
To realize the value of one month, Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week, Ask the editor of a weekly paper.
To realize the value of one day, Ask a daily wage laborer.
To realize the value of one hour, Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute, Ask a person who missed a train.
To realize the value of one second, Ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond, Ask a person who has won a silver medal at the Olympics
Subject: One For You and One For Me. On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He knew what it was. "Oh, my God!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy!
Subject: Nice Mercedes. This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes, and as luck would have it, he pulled up to a stoplight next to a guy with the same car. They eyed each other and the other guy said, "You got a phone in yours?"
"Yes, I've got a phone!"
"You got a TV?"
"Yes, I've got a TV!"
"You got a bed in yours?"
"A bed?
No," (dejectedly).
The light changed and they took off. This got to working on the guy. He thought he had everything. So, he turns around and drives straight to the dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in. They tell him that Mercedes don't come with beds, but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be installed. Finally, they said they'd figure out a way.
The guy picks up his car and for the next two weeks drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him that he had a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in beside it. He gets out and knocks on the window. No answer. He knocks again. No answer. He starts to walk away when the window rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls,
"What do you want?"
He says, "I got a bed in my car!"
The guy replies, "You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
Subject: Women and Chinese Food. This one revealed one of the great secrets of life to me.
RESEARCH UNVEILS LINK BETWEEN WOMEN AND CHINESE FOOD
Finally!
After all these years.
A research team from Harvard has learned - as a result of a $2 million sociological study financed by a government grant - why women love Chinese restaurants.
Wonton spelled backwards, is "NOTNOW".
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it!
Subject: Baseball. G-d and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said G-d. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered.
"We've got all the umpires."
Subject: Live and learn. When men get married, they lose much more than women in the same situation.
Before marriage, most men can dress themselves, more or less, drive a car without instructions, eat food without making too much of a mess, and generally muddle through life blissfully unaware that everything they are doing is wrong.
Subject: Mothers-in-law. A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, "What a terrible tragedy" and I would nod my head and say, "Yes, it was."
The men would ask,"Can I borrow that mule?" and I would shake my head and say, "Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
Subject: The French. In the middle of an international gynaecology conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.
FRENCH GYNAE: "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."
ENGLISH GYNAE: "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big. My god, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was."
FRENCH GYNAE: "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always talkeeng about ze size. I was talkeeng about ze flavour."
Subject: Free TV's. A new department store announced that it was going to give out free TVs to the first 100 people who came to the store on its Grand Opening Day. The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am, determined to receive their free TV.
When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to the front of the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 am. The big guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might!
The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front of the big burly man a second time. Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man and the door a third time!
This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was about.
"Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of the line since early this morning, and this old man had the nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!"
When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man replied, "What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him several times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to open the store!"
Subject: Roulette. When the delegate from the emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a game of Russian roulette. Someone put the barrel of a revolver to his head and pulled the trigger. One of the six chambers contained a real bullet.
Now the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation.
"We would like to show you our version of roulette," the Ambassador said. "We call this African roulette."
"How do you play it?"
The Ambassador pointed to six buxom African girls sitting in a circle.
"Any of these girls will give you a blow job."
"Where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy?" the Russian asked.
"Well," said the African Ambassador, "one of the girls is a cannibal."
Subject: Three guys. Three guys die and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks the first gentleman, "Did you ever cheat on your wife? The man says, "St. Peter, I cannot lie, I cheated on my wife 20 times in the 35 years we were married. St. Peter says, "That's not too good, but you're in. Here's a moped to ride around Heaven." The first man fires up his moped and heads off. The second gentleman gets the same question, and tells St. Peter, "I cheated on my wife once in our 35 glorious years together." St. Peter says, "That's pretty good, you're in too, here's a Pinto to drive around in." The second man drives away. The third man approaches St. Peter. St. Peter asks him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The man looks St. Peter dead in the eye and says, "Never. In our 37 years of marriage, I never so much as looked at another woman." St. Peter says, "How very admirable that you lived by the Bible. Welcome. Here's your Ferrari to drive around heaven." The third gentleman roars off, passing the first and second men. They all stop at the first stoplight, and the first and second men see the third guy slouched over crying. They ask him, what could be wrong, you're the one with the Ferrari? The guy in the Ferrari says, "Yeah, but I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard."
Subject: And you thought snails were slow... Two state employees had just gotten off work for the day when one of the state employees saw the other step on a snail.
"Why did you step on that snail, Bob?" asked his perplexed coworker.
"Because that darn snail has been following me around work all day! "
Subject: The Arab diplomat. An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc) and was constantly sending his man-servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.
" A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."
Subject: Wharfies. Two wharfies were standing on the dock, when suddenly, one of them stomped on a snail.
"What did you do that for ?" asked his mate.
"The bastard's been following me around all f...ing day!" he replied.
Subject: Mr Gates goes to hell. Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him:
"Welcome Mr Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive colosseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't any holes!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Subject: Discrimination. The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?"
Mary says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.
Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write "Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Billy does, and gets a cookie.
Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
Subject: Little Green Men. Two U.S. astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing and exiting their craft they find themselves face-to-face with a couple of little green Martians.
"How do we make contact?" asks the first astronaut.
"Gee, I dunno." Says the second. "Hey, I've got an idea! They look pretty primitive. Let's impress 'em with some of our advanced technology."
"Sure!." says the first. "After all, it worked with the Indians." So he reaches into the pocket of his space-suit and pulls out a shiny silver cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested.
"I think it's working--light it!" says the second. The astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to bright red.
"Wow!" says the first. "They must really be impressed." Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly:
"Shabbos!"
Subject: Nuns Night Out. It was Friday and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes.
Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.
"However" he said "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend". The four nuns agreed and ran off.
Monday comes and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie". The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water". The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies "OK, what happened?". She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in from of his house and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it". The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time the fourth nun is laughing quite loudly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned". The priest asks "Out with it. What did you do?" She says "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding. "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water". She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"
The fourth nun replies, " I pissed in the holy water.....".
Subject: Ready, Aim, Eat! Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then take away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The third man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait..."
Subject: Two friends. There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night.
They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whore house and gather experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whore house, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.
The white guy energetically does the business and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.
He wakes up in a couple of hours and bonks the prostitute again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another ``|'' on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.
The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"
Subject: Little Bobby Goes To The Brothel. Little Bobby came walking into a brothel, behind him he was dragging a dead, dried, and flat frog in a string. Little Bobby immediately went over to the Madam and said, "I want a whore, and she's to have: AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and the whole package."
The Madam glances down at little Bobby and answers. "There aren't any girls like that around here, and besides, you're far too young to go to brothels!"
Little Bob smiles for himself, and gets $500 from his pocket, smacks them on the counter and repeats, "I want a whore, and she's to have: AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and the whole package."
The Madam shrugs and sighs, "Well.. like I said: You're far to young to be going to brothels, and besides, we don't have girls like that here! Ok?"
Little Bobby smiles for himself, gets another $500 from his pocket, smacks them in the counter and once again repeats, "I want a whore, and she's to have: AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and the whole package."
The Madam examines him with her eyes, then counts the money and says, "I'll see what I can do, wait right here."
She disappears out the back door and is gone for a while. Bob patiently waits with the dead, dried, and flat frog in a string. After about 10 minutes she returns and tells little Bob that he can go through one of the doors.
Little Bobby thanks her and enters, still dragging the dead, dried, and flat frog in a string behind him. Bobby disappears through the door, and is still in there after a couple of hours, which by the way is pretty good for a 7-8 year old.
After a few hours he comes out with a broad smile on his face and heads for the front door, still dragging the dead, dried, and flat frog in a string behind him. When he passes the Madam she cannot hold herself, so she asks. "Do you realize what you've just done, you've infected yourself with one, if not many of these diseases, which are extremely unpleasant, not to say deadly?"
Little Bobby looks at her, smiles and says, "I know, but it's a part of my plan you see."
"Your plan?"
"Yep. You see.. when I come home this evening I have a babysitter watching me. And her head is a bit messed up, so even though I'm a little young... she still does it to me. And then she gets AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and the whole package."
"And?"
"And when my parents come home, my dad will have to drive the babysitter home, and since she's so sexy and willing he cannot keep his fingers away. And then he gets AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and the whole package."
"Then what?"
"And when dad comes home he must hide from my mum that he's been cheating on her, so he'll have to do her too. And then she gets AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and the whole package."
"Ok?"
"Well... tomorrow when my dad's at work, the mailman comes to see my mum. And then he gets AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and the whole package and that was the #(@*# who stepped on my frog !!!!"
Subject: There were three guys. There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
Subject: Holmes and Watson. Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Subject: Punish the student. One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother,
"Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible!
I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ....by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied,
"My homework."
Subject: Wharfie. A wharfie dies in a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the wharfie.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the wharfie . "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."
Subject: Wharfies (again). Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a wharfie. He stops working at 3:30 and he is home by 1:45!!"
Subject: Three men. Three men were walking along a beach one day and they found a magic lamp. One of them rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "I will give each of you 1 wish."
They all thought it over until one of them said, "I wish to be 10 times smarter!" And poof! He was 10 times smarter.
Then the second guy said, "I want to be 100 times smarter!" And poof! He was 100 times smarter.
Then the third guy said, "I want to be 10,000 times smarter! The genie said ok. And poof! He turned into a woman.
Subject: For tea lovers. There is often a correlation between the type of beverage we order at cafes and the type of people we are when it comes to relationships.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flat White - this means you have the "run of the mill" relationships:nothing spectacular, just plain boring.
Cappuccino - you are basically the average relationship person (like the flat white) except you have the occasional spark, the occasional "froth", maybe even the occasional romance . . .
Cafe Latte - you are the soft, sensitive type (and maybe just a bit on the trendy side).
Espresso/short black - You are passionate, intense and strong in a relationship. However, you don't last very long in one.
Machiatto - (for those who don't know, it's an espresso with a dash of milk) you are like the short black, except in your strength and intensity, you have a soft, sensitive spot. However, you don't last very long either.
Long Black - in my mind, the best: same as the short black - strong, passionate, intense, but you'll also go all the way and last the mile in a relationship.
Vienna - you're sweet but without much substance.
Irish/liqueur coffee - you are wild and like to lose control in a relationship. You like to have a little fun, but might not be everyone's "cup of joe".
Mocha/mocca - you can't make up your mind. You're indecisive about relationships - whether you're gonna commit or just be friends (see chocolate section below).
Hot chocolate (with hot water) - you just like to be friends with everyone. You're not really looking for a relationship.
Hot chocolate (with hot milk) - you just like to be friends with everyone. AND everyone loves you as a friend, 'cause you're extra sweet and sensitive. You're everyone's friend but no one's lover.
Tea (with milk) - you're gay. (I'm sorry to all the tea drinkers, especially those of you who are 'closet tea drinkers'). I'll let you figure out what the different types of teas mean.
Tea (without milk) - you're Chinese (who else drinks tea without milk?
Oh yeah "the true tea drinkers" . . . yeah right, just Chinese wannabe's!)
You won't have a relationship because
1) your parents don't let you
2) you have to have a career and a high paying job first
3) you have to study - so, what's a cafe?
4) you haven't learnt about relationships or sex yet 'coz you never talk about it at home. Similarly, you haven't eaten anywhere except Chinese restaurants so you wouldn't have the foggiest about coffees. GET A LIFE! :-)
Iced Coffee - you can't commit to a relationship. You won't get serious; you refuse to get into the "heat".
Iced Chocolate - you just wanna be friends with everyone but you can't commit as a friend. You're pathetic!
Milkshakes and smoothies - you're still into teenage, puppy-love. GROW UP! The type of milkshake you order is a subconscious manifestation of your racial preference. It's RACIAL! eg. chocolate (blacks), banana (Chinese), vanilla (whites), strawberry (red indians??), all others you can figure out yourselves!
Subject: I used to be. I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.
I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard
I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.
I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
Subject: Rolls Royce. "HOW was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
Subject: Hazards of lunch... One night a man was drinking in a bar and he had to go to the bathroom.
While he was going, he noticed that there were three black men next to him at the urinals. He happened to look down and was shocked to see that one of the men had a white penis. He quickly finished and went back to the bar.
He told the bartender that he had just seen the strangest thing when he was in the bathroom. The bartender asked him what he saw. "Well, while I was taking a leak, I looked over and next to me were three black guys and one of them had a white dick!" he said.
"Oh, those weren't black men," the bartender said, "they are all coal miners and apparently one of them went home for lunch."
Subject: Mother-in-law. A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
Subject: St Peter. It was time for St Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteered to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates.
"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings."
On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him something about himself.
"I'm a simple carpenter," said the old man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever.
All over the world people tell his story."
By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched. There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man. "Father," he cried. "It's been so long."
The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his head, looked at Jesus again and said, "Pinocchio?"
Subject: This sums up 1998! I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and blood, and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew this wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around.
And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.
(It's true -- I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one where that little boy is who is dying of cancer, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 20 people you will have good luck but 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on.
To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.
STOP THE INSANITY! NO URBAN LEGEND EMAIL STRINGS IN 1999!
Subject: You were right. A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Jennifer has been most difficult -
I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me.
I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.
You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Jennifer, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s).
As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Subject: Possessed Computer? For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.
A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything.
By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.
The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
Subject: Windows 2000. Redmond, WA (UPI) --
Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
Subject: The Post Office. A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."
Subscribe to Harry's FREE REGULAR OR JEWISH jokes via email here.
Search Party.
Top