Subject: The Kangaroo. A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.
The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.
This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
Subject: Update. Important update from the employee services department.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING(D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Subject: HORSE HORROR STORY! "Today, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
It all started when I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine, then the horse starts bouncing out of control. My cries of "Whoa!" and pulling back on the reigns went unheeded.
I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup, causing me to fall head first to the ground.
Unable to free myself, my head continued to bounce harder, as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it."
Subject: MEN ARE LIKE... Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
and...
Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard OUCH!
Subject: This lady. So there's this lady and she stumbles upon this "magic" mirror at a yard sale. After buying it she rushes home and puts it on her bathroom door. Later that night, she decides to take a shower, and looks in the mirror and wants to try it out. "Mirror mirror on the door, make my BOOBS a 44! " BOOM, I mean BOOOOOM! There they are. Instantly she ran to her husband and showed him all she had to offer. In a fit of excitement he ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "Joe-Joe" hit the floor." Unbelievably his legs disappeared and his wish came true.
Subject: Classic One Liners. I believe in capital punishment as long as it isn't too severe!
Politicians and diapers should be changed often and for the same reason!
Denial is not just a river in Egypt!
Mixed emotions is when your teenager gets an A+ in sex education!
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and only annoys the pig!
Confucius say, "Man who date flat chested girl have right to feel low!
An apprentice pimp might also be called a Rookie Nookie Bookie!
Never count to 10 with your hands in your pockets; you might reach 11!
A hydromatic homo might also be called a Shiftless Cock Sucker!
Last, but not least:
Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints!
Subject: Application. APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME
_____________________________________________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH
_____________________________________________________________________
HEIGHT__________ WEIGHT___________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________
HOME ADDRESS________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?
_____________________________________________________________________
If NO, please explain
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married_______________________________
If less than your age, explain
_____________________________________________________________________
Do you own a van? _______________
A truck with oversized tires?_______________
A waterbed? _______________
A pickup with a mattress in the back? _______________
A condom? _______________
Pornography? _______________
Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?_______________
A tattoo? _______________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________
Church you attend
_____________________________________________________________________
How often you attend
_____________________________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
priest? _____________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
_____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
_____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
_____________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
_____________________________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:
_____________________________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up?
_____________________________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_____________________________________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury)
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
Subject: Wife wanted. A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds.
The next day he received 100 responses.
They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
Subject: Enjoying a beer. One day a man is sitting in a bar enjoying a beer.
He goes to take a sip of his beer, and hears someone say, "Hey buddy, nice tie!"...
He's a little confused, because he's the only one in the bar (besides the bartender), but he figures that he was just hearing things, shrugs, and goes to take another sip of beer.
Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, have you lost weight?
Looking good!" He puts his beer down and looks around.
Still no one. He cautiously goes to take another drink, and hears someone say, "Wow, nice jacket, looks great on you!" Finally the man puts down his beer and calls the bartender over.
"Hey," he asks the bartender, "have you been hearing any voices?"
The bartender asks, "What sort of voices?" The man replies, "They keep saying things like, 'nice tie' or 'have you lost weight?' or 'nice jacket'..."
The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "OH! I know who's saying that. It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."!
Subject: A little old woman. A little old woman sitting on her rocking chair is visited by an angel.
The angel gives the woman 3 wishes for being so good all of her life.
The woman first asks to be filthy rich...poof!
Her rocking chair is turned into solid gold.
The woman then asks to be a beautiful young princess...poof!
She is a beautiful young princess.
The now young woman then sees her old cat walking in the yard and asks for him to be turned into a handsome prince as he has been her favorite companion...poof!
He is a handsome young prince, and the angel disappears.
The princess runs to the prince and gives him a passionate kiss.
The prince just smiles at her and says "Now I bet you wish you wouldn't have neutered me all those years ago, huh?"
Subject: A guy & a girl. There was a guy and a girl sitting in a car.
The guy says to the girl, "I want to finger you."
The girl says, "No you can't. I 'm having my period."
So a few minutes later, a police officer comes up to the car and knocks on the window.
The police officer says, "What are you doing in there?"
The guy licks his fingers and says, "Eating Pizza."
Subject: Stress and tension. Q: What is the difference between stress and tension?
A: Tension is when your wife is pregnant and stress is when your secretary is pregnant.
Subject: An escaped convict. An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. After all, he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."
Subject: Three Pastors. One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
Subject: A Polish farmer. A Polish farmer had fifty female pigs and wanted them all pregnant. His friend told him to screw them himself, and if in the morning they were rolling in the hay they weren't pregnant, but if they were rolling in the mud, they were.
So the farmer decides this is a good idea, and that night he loads all the pigs into his truck, takes them into the woods, and screws them all.
The next morning, he looks out the window and sees all the pigs rolling in the hay. He's really frustrated, but decides to give it one more shot. So that night he takes all the pigs to the woods and screws them again.
The next morning, he looks out the window, and all the pigs are rolling in the hay. He's really tired, but thinks he'll try one more time. That night he takes all the pigs out and screws them yet again.
The next morning he's too tired to look out the window, so he tells his wife to tell him if the pigs are rolling in the mud or the hay. She goes to the window and tells him he better look for himself.
The farmer goes to the window and sees all the pigs in the truck honking the horn and waiting for him.
Subject: Annual trip. Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Subject: To change a light bulb. Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four, one to actually change it and three friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
Subject: Female delivery service. Q. You hear about the new all female delivery service?
A. It's called UPMS - they deliver whenever the hell they feel like it.
Subject: This old geezer. This old geezer lived near the Ohio River, and in the recent floods, he was washed away and his friends and family feared that he'd drowned.
Miraculously, though, a state trooper pulled him out and his life was saved.
The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears.
Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven!
We'd like you to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you."
"Thanks," said the old geezer. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods."
"No problem," said St. Peter. "I'll make the arrangements and get back to you."
A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old geezer and took him to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited backstage while the audience got settled, and the geezer was pleased to see that it was rather a large crowd.
The St. Peter grabbed the old geezer's arm. "Now, I don't want to make you nervous, but I've just spotted Noah in the crowd."
Subject: A letter from Florida. My darling Grandson,
I have aged a little since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old Grannie.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he's here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes! I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma Gussie
P.S. Rabbi Abrams came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time.
No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself........... "Now, what am I here after?"
Subject: Three bears. There were these three bears. The papa bear liked beer, the mama bear liked beans, and the baby bear liked listening to Elvis Presley records. One day, while the bears were out for a walk, a mouse came out of his mousehole.
He jumped up on the table, drank all of papa bear's beer, ate all of mama bear's beans, and started to listen to baby bear's Elvis Presley records.
Then he heard the bears coming back from their walk, so he jumped back into his mousehole. But he forgot to turn the record player off.
The bears walked into the kitchen. Papa bear roared, "Somebody's been drinking my beer!" Mama bear growled, "Somebody's been eating my beans!"
And baby bear squeaked, "Somebody's been listening to my Elvis Presley records, and forgot to turn the record player off!"
The mouse staggered out of his hole and replied, "Hiccup! Fart! I'm All Shook Up!"
Subject: Three different jokes. ------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a friend in the forest?
------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is "urinate." Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
Subject: Three girlfriends. There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry.
So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.
She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.
She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts!
Subject: A little girl. A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable.
She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl,
"I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"
Subject: Suspicious. Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women." she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," replied Eve.
Subject:Earning His Allowance? A Father asked his 5-year-old son just what he thought he did to earn a weekly allowance.
"Well, for one thing," replied the lad, "I keep your wife occupied all day."
Subject: Driving home. One night a man is driving home and gets pulled over for speeding.
Unfortunately he's also had a few drinks, so he has to stay in a jail cell for night.
As he's sitting there trying to decide how he's going to get out of this mess he hears someone say, "In every relationship, there's a husband, and there's a wife. Now which do you want to be?"
He looks over and sees a rather large biker sitting in the corner staring at him.
Needless to say, he replies, "Uh... the husband?"
So the biker replies, "Alright. Now come over here and suck your wife's dick."
Subject: A horse. A horse walks into the bar and orders beer and I look for a sec then said hey pal why the long face:)
A ham sandwich comes up to the bar I sent him away cause I don't serve no food!
Subject: A frog. A guy walks into a bar with a frog.
He sits next to this real attractive lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink.
The lady says "that's a disgusting looking frog you got there."
The guys says, "Yeah well lemmie tell ya something... this here frog is THE BEST damn pussy eater you ever seen."
The lady is outrages and says so then promptly gets up and moves across the bar.
A few hours pass....
The lady has had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog...
So she staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK prove it!".
They run get a hotel room.. the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with legs spread open wide.
The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then commands, "go homer!".... the frog lays there.... he commands again... "GO HOMER" the frog still does nothing....
He picks up the frog and tosses into the corner and says, "If I've shown ya once ... I've shown ya 1000 times .. now watch how its done!"
Subject: Evils of drinking. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
Subject: Things I've learned from my child. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape...
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room...
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on...
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit...
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way...
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late...
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it...
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes...
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep...
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old...
Duplos will not...... Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence...
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water...
Pool filters do not like Jell-O...
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do........
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes...
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving...
Always look in the oven before you turn it on...
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy........
It will however make cats dizzy........
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Subject: A farmer & his wife. A farmer and his wife are lying in bed one night when the farmer starts to rub her breasts. He says "If these would only give milk, then we could get rid of our cows."
After a few minutes he starts rubbing her bottom. He says "If this would only lay eggs, then we could get rid of our chickens."
After a while his wife starts rubbing his penis. She says "If this would only get hard more often then we could get rid of the farm hand!"
Subject: A priest. One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him a wondered what was wrong.
The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.
"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"
"No," said the other.
"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time,"
"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'? asked the first.
"Yes" said the second.
"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was ' I now sentence you to death.'
Subject:
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyser test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Subject: Financial Thoughts. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two thousand dollars and a substantial tax cut save you two dollars?
Why do banks use all that space and money to construct so many teller stations, then never have more than two or three in use?
Subject: Pet monkey. A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and while he was drinking the monkey was jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. Finally he jumped up on the pool table, grabbed the cue ball, stuck it in his mouth and swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" exclaimed the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bill, and left.
Two weeks later he was in the bar again, and he had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it..
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked. "Now what?" responded the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" said the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Subject: Walking along the beach. One day a guy is walking along the beach and comes upon a lamp half buried in the sand.
He looks at it, feels a little silly, then decides, "ah, what the hell," picks it up and rubs it. Sure enough, a genie billows out in a cloud of smoke and says, "thank you, for releasing me, I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thinks for a moment and tells the genie, "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly and I love to drive. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii?" At which point the genie shakes his head, "that's some serious design engineering.
Even for a genie that's tough. It would take me along time.
Is there another wish that I could grant you maybe?"
Again, the guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I've always wanted to understand women."
Again, the genie shakes his head, "would you like that to be two lanes or four?
Subject: The street corner. Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?"
The 2nd old man replied, "I was in jail."
The 1st old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?"
He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'."
The 1st old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"
2nd old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it."
Subject: A guy sees a girl. A guy sees a girl with no arms and no legs, only a torso, weeping by the ocean front, so he goes up to her and asks "why are you crying Ma'am, and she tells him, "I'm 20 yrs old and I have no arms and no legs, and I have never been kissed."
So the guy feels pity on her and gives her the most gentle kiss she can imagine,and is back on his way. But then again he hears her crying, so he goes to her and asks,"now why are you crying?"
She tells him, "I'm 20yrs old and I don't have hands or legs, and I have never been screwed as yet."
So he rolls her and gives her a push into the water and says, "There now young woman consider your self screwed"
Subject: You can imagine. I'm sure you can imagine, it's simple as can be,
The place is very private, the players, he and she.
She whispers, "Will it hurt?" "Of course not," says he.
"It's a very simple procedure, just lay back and bend your knee."
It's getting rather painful and tears come to her eyes,
It must be something awful, it must be some size.
Then finally, with a jerk, she gives a little shout,
"Thank goodness it's all over! Thank god he got it out!"
***********************************************************
If you read this very carefully, he's a dentist, you will find.
It's not what you were thinking, it's just your dirty mind!
Subject: This old retired dad. This old retired dad and his son are talking one day.
The son says to him "Dad, I want to get my driver's license."
His dad tells him "There are three things that you need to do.
1. Improve your grades.
2. Read the Bible.
3. Get a haircut."
Well, a little time passes and the boy comes to his father with a report card.
His grades are good and he also tells his father that he has been reading the Bible.
"There is this man named Jesus Christ that had long hair."
"Yes," his father says, "But if you keep reading, you will find that Jesus also walked everywhere that he went!"
Subject: There are two little boys. There are two little boys in church.
They, like any other young kids, get bored with the sermon and start talking and goofing off.
After the service, the pastor calls the two bait in the hall while he brings the other boy in to talk to him.
"Billy," he says "Where is God?"
Billy looks scared and runs out of the office.
As he runs by, he grabs his friend and says "Run, quick! God is missing and they think we took him!!"
Subject: Sex. The man, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Subject: A man & his wife. A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.
The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.
"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships.
Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.
The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"
They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
Subject: Two ladies. Two ladies are talking with each other when the first one says, "I've got a sore throat.".
The second lady responds, "Well, when I get a sore throat I suck on a Life Saver.".
The first lady then says, "That's easy for you. You live next to the beach.".
Subject: A preacher. A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Subject: Cinderella. Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphram." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?" she asks.
"You must be home by 2 A.M. the fairy godmother says. "Any later, and your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphram was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other....
Subject: The gorilla. It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's wearing a loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they are walking through the ape exhibit they pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes nuts. He jumps up on the bar, holding on with one hand (and two feet)and grunting, while pounding his chest with his free hand.
He is obviously very excited by this pretty lady in the wavy pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor chap, suggesting she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall which she does and the gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
The husband tells his wife to try lifting her dress up her thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, throws her in with the gorilla and says "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Subject: Three girlfriends. There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Subject: A confirmation student. A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.
He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
Subject: A man walks into a bar and sits down. A man walks into a bar and sits down.
Suddenly, he hears this voice say "wow, your a good looking man".
Man looks around, the bars empty and the bartender is at the far end of the bar.
Suddenly, he hears a voice say "that's a really nice looking suit", looks around again, bars still empty.
A voice come on again " I'd really like to get to know you better", finally he gets up and asks the bartender " hey, can you hear any of this?"
Bartender replies:" Oh, that's just the peanuts, they're complimentary."
Subject: I been robbed. An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see.
He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD.... they got me girlfriend too!!"
Subject: Scary. A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened.
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
Subject: Marriage. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer.. It just seems longer.
Wife: Let's go out tonight and have some fun. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before me, leave the hall light on.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months....I don't want to interrupt her.
A man is incomplete until he gets married. After that, he's finished.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you!" And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
Subject: The New Priest. The young new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could barely speak.
Before his second mass, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax more.
The Monsignor told him, "Next Sunday, put vodka in the water pitcher; after a few sips everything should go smoothly."
So the next Sunday the new priest put this suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm.
He felt great.
However, upon returning to his rectory, he found this note from the Monsignor:
" 1) Next time sip the vodka--don't gulp it down by the glassful.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
5) The recommended grace before meals is not 'rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub'.
6) We do not refer to the Holy Cross as the 'Big T'.
7) We do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and His disciples as 'J.C. and the boys'.
8) We do not refer to the Father, Son and Holy Ghost as 'Daddy, Junior and the Big Spook'.
9) Next Sunday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
10) The idea of a drive-thru confessional isn't bad, but the sign, 'Toot and Tell or Go to Hell' has got to go.
11) Last, but not least, we say, 'The Virgin Mary', not 'Mary with the cherry'.
Subject: A construction job. There was a construction job next to a convent, and the nuns found that their prayers and devotions were frequently interrupted by the construction crew spouting streams of foul language.
So the nuns begged Mother Superior to put a stop to this.
She went to the foreman and told him that this must stop. The foreman said, "Look, Sister, we believe in calling a spade a spade."
"No, you don't," Mother Superior said. "You call it a fucking shovel."
Subject: A battered woman. Q: What is the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the battered women shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
Q: Do you know there is 10,000 battered women in Minnesota?
And I've been eating them plain for this long.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because any of them who can run, jump, or swim is already here.
1. Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
2. REALITY.DAT not found. Attempting to restore Universe......
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
Press Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
3. REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
4. USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
5. Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
6. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
7. BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
8. Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
9. Signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
10. Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
11. Spell checker not found. Press -- to continue ...
12. A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
13. A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
14. A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
15. A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
16. Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
17. Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
18. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
19. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
20. Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
21. SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
22. APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
23. ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
Subject: 10 shots of Tequila. A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of Tequila.
The bartender is stunned when the man drinks all 10 shots faster than they were poured.
"Is everything alright?" ask the bartender.
"Everythings great, I'm just celebrating my first blow job", says the man.
The bartender smiles and says " Well, let me buy you another shot."
"No Thanks " says the man, "Ten shot of tequila should get that taste out of my mouth."
Subject: Top Ten Signs. Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize (Offensive to CEO's)
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store" are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!"
Subject: The other night. The other night I was picking up on this girl.
Things were going pretty well and I almost had her convinced to come home with me and my wife when all of a sudden she turns to me and says, "Hey! You're a pedophile!!"
I said, "Oh yeah? That's a pretty big word for an 8 year old!"
Subject: A vampire. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
Subject: The Genie. A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.
Subject: Frank. A man enters the lobby of a luxurious hotel and a bell boy rushes up to him.
The Bell Boy: "Mr. Sinatra, what an honor! Let me take your bags..."
The Man: "I'm not Frank Sinatra. "
The bell boy insists and called the hotel manager.
He has the same reaction as his employee.
The Manager: "Mr. Sinatra, you should have advised us of your impending
arrival. But it doesn't matter, I'll have our "royal suite" prepared."
The Man: "What language must I use so that you'll understand: I am not Frank Sinatra."
The manager: "I understand very well.
Your anonymity will be respected Mr. Sinatra. "
The man heads for the bar.
The Bartender: "And for Mr. Sinatra... a Bloody Mary!"
The Man (desperate now): "I am not Frank Sinatra."
He goes to a table in the restaurant in the hotel.
A crowd surrounds his table:
"Did you see? It's Frank Sinatra."
A little girl comes up and asks for his autograph.
He scratches: "I AM NOT FRANK SINATRA!!!"
At the end of the evening he goes up to his suite.
The bell boy on his floor, to whom he gives a generous tip, thanks him with a "Thank you very much, Mr. Sinatra. "
He closes the door behind himself and sees, stretched out on the bed, a magnificent creature. She is nude and in a position that is more than suggestive.
The Woman: "Ohhh, Frank..."
The man then advances towards her, singing: "Strangers in the night"!!!
Subject: An older couple. An older couple is sitting at the table having breakfast.
The old lady says to the old man, "Ya know, 50 years ago today, we got married."
The old man says,"ya..."
The old lady says, "Ya know, 50 years ago, we were sitting right here at this table eating breakfast."
The old man says, "ya..."
Then the old lady says, "The only difference between today and 50 years ago, we were sitting here in the buff eating breakfast."
The old man smiles and says, "Yaaaa..."
The old lady says, "Just for old times sake, lets take off all of our clothes and eat our breakfast in the buff."
So they both stand up and take off all their clothes.
They sit back down to eat, when the old lady says, "Ya know Honey, after 50 years my breasts still burn for you."
To this the old man says,"That's because one of them is in your tea, and the other one is in your oatmeal!"
Subject: Jack's house. Bill goes over to his friend Jack's house, he rings the bell and Jack's wife Jill answers the door.
She says hi Bill how are you? Bill says fine and you?
Jill replies good thanks, if your looking for Jack well he's not here, he will be back soon. Won't you come in and and wait for him.
So Bill goes in and waits. About a half hour goes by and Bill says to Jill "I think Jack is so lucky to have a wife as good looking as you, you have a great body and a very big set of boobs".
Jill begins to blush and says "thank you Bill".
Then Bill says to Jill "I'll give you $100 if you show me your left boob".
She hesitates for a moment then says "well what the hell why not".
She shows him and he gives her the money.
Bill asked to see the right boob for another $100. So she shows him the right boob and Bill gave her the money.
Bill then said to Jill "if you show me both boobs at once I will give you $200".
Jill thinks to herself, (why not, if he's that crazy to give me all this money just to see my boobs sure I'll show him).
So she does and he gives her the money.
Then Bill said "I can't stay any longer, when Jack gets home tell him I was here".
A short while later Jack comes home and Jill said "your crazy friend Bill was here waiting for you".
Jack said to Jill "did he leave me the $400 he owes me?"
Subject: A man want to catch bears. A man want to catch bears but does not believe in shooting them.
He asks a few people if they have any ideas on how to catch bears by setting a trap.
One guy tells him that he should dig a hole, put some ashes in it, and them put peas around it.
The man asks "How in the hell this is going to catch a bear?."
The other man replies, "When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole."
Subject: A New Diet. I just started a new diet. It's called the guilty nanny diet. It is three healthy shakes in the morning.
Three healthy shakes in the afternoon and three healthy shakes at night.
Subject: Man & his Date. Man and his date are driving out of town and into the country, they get to a secluded lane and park. Things start hotting up when the woman stops him and says: "I have to confess I'm really a prostitute and it'll cost you $20.....".
By now the man is really hot so he hands over the cash and they carry on their business. After they have finished, he lights a cigarette and just sits there.
The woman looks at him and says:" What's the matter, why aren't we moving?".
To which the man says: "I have to confess I'm really a cabbie and it'll cost you $25 to get back into town...".
Subject: Two Digits for a Date. Author Unknown (sung to the tune of "Gilligans Island, more or less)
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
Of the doom that is our fate,
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.
Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."
"This works through nineteen-ninety-nine,"
The programmers did say,
"Unless we rewrite before that,
It all will go away.
It all will go away."
But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a great expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."
Now, when two thousand rolls around,
It all goes straight to hell,
For zeros less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail won't bring your pension check,
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of codes
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
(key change, big finish)
There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And COBOL-coders, few.)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.
Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.
Subject: A guy goes into a bar. A guy goes into a bar. He says to the bartender "Give me ten shots of tequila"
The bartender looks at him like he's crazy and says"Ten?? All for you??"
The guy nods so the bartender lines up the shots.
The guy downs every shot, one after the other.
The bartender says" My God, I've never seen anybody down shots that fast before"
So the guy says "You'd drink that fast too if you had what I do".
So the bartender says" Well, what do you have?"
And the guys says" Fifteen cents".
Subject: One evening. One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
"Hmmm." She says, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."
Subject: A teacher. A teacher told her class that she would ask a question just before dismissal on Friday afternoons. If anyone could answer the question correctly, the whole class would have the following Monday off.
Week 1, she asks, "How many stars are there in the sky?" Of course no one had the answer to that.
Week 2, she asks, "How many grains of sand are there in the desert?" No one could answer that one, either.
One kid was getting fed up. So before the third Friday, he paints two golf balls black.
On Friday afternoon, just as the teacher is about to ask the question, he rolls the two golf balls toward her desk. The teacher, seeing them, asks, "All right, who is the comedian with the black balls?"
And the kid answers, "Bill Cosby, see ya Tuesday!"
Subject: There was this little kid. There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb.
His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.
A couple days later, his mother had her bridge club over to the house.
The little boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, hah! I know what you've been doing!"
Subject: This gay guy goes into a bar. This gay guy goes into a bar and tells the bartender, "I'll have a thcotch and thoda, pleath."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
So he leaves and goes to the next bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a thcotch and thoda, pleath."
This bartender also says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
So the gay guy leaves and decides to take a different approach.
So he goes into the next bar and says to the bartender in a John Wayne type voice, I'll have a scotch and soda, please."
And the bartender says, "Thorry, we don't therve your kind here."
Subject: I'm a male chauvinist. Hi everybody... please don't think that I'm a male chauvinist. I just heard these and thought they were funny.
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So we'd have at least one way to censored a women up.
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You don't have to beg a women to blow your paycheck.
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q: What's it call led when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples?
A: It's braille for suck here.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're cold and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.
Q: What's the best thing about oral sex?
A: Ten minutes of silence.
Subject: Mr. Murphy. Mr. Murphy decided he must go to confession, he had committed adultery.
He brought along his old buddy, Ryan. "Wait outside, for me", he said.
Murphy proceeded to the confessional. "Bless me father, for I have sinned, I committed adultery".
The priest replied, "you must tell me the name of the person with whom you committed this sin".
Murphy replied, "I cannot tell you that father".
The priest then stated, "If you do not tell me the name of the person, I cannot grant you absolution".
Again, Murphy replied, " I cannot". "Was it Miss O'Connor", asked the priest.
"No", father, replied Murphy. "Was it Mrs. Kelly"?, the priest inquired.
"No, father, I cannot say", replied Murphy.
The priest responded, "then I cannot grant you absolution".
Murphy leaves the confessional and meets his friend, Ryan, outside.
"How'd it go, Murphy?", asked Ryan.
"Not bad", replied Murphy. "I got two leads"!
Subject: There was a big conference. There was a big conference of all the beer producers in the world.
After a hard day's work they decided to go out and have a beer together.
The president of budweiser got a bud, the president of heineken gets a heineken, the president of miller gets a miller lite, the president of coors gets a coors, etc.
The waitress asks the president of guiness what he wants and to everyone's surprise he orders a coke.
"Why don't you have a guiness?", his colleagues asked.
"NAAH, if you guys won't drink beer then neither will I."
Subject: Honeymoon Tales. After an exhausting 12-hour drive to our honeymoon destination, my wife and I decided to refresh ourselves with a swim in the motel pool.
My wife must have dropped a few kilos through pre-wedding jitters, because each time she dived into the pool she either lost the top or bottom of her skimpy new bikini.
We had the pool to ourselves, so we just laughed and retrieved the pieces.
Later, we dressed for dinner and went down to the motel restaurant.
Waiting for a table, we sat in the lounge and ordered drinks. Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank.
Curious, I asked, "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?"
The barman grinned from ear to ear as he replied,
"That's not a fish tank. It's the swimming pool."
Subject: A bear & a rabbit. A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit together in the woods.
The bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with shit sticking to his fur.
The rabbit says no. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Subject: An elephant, a skunk & a giraffe. An elephant, a skunk and a giraffe enter a bar and order drinks.
"Who's got this round"?, asks the bartender.
"Not me" says the elephant, "I only have a trunk".
"Not me", says the skunk, "I only have a scent".
The bartender turns to the giraffe and says, "Well, it looks like the high balls are on you".
Subject: A man dies. A man dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
St Peter tells him that before he can get into heaven, he must spend six months in hell.
But he tells him, you have a choice, either the regular hell or the ethnic hell.
So the man says, what's the difference?
Well, St. Peter says, in the regular hell they tie you to a stake, pour gasoline over you, let you burn for six hours and rest for six hours.
So what about the ethnic hell?
St. Peter says that they tie you to a stake, pour gasoline over you, let you burn for six hours and rest for six hours.
The man says that he doesn't see any difference.
So St. Peter advises him to take the ethnic hell, because someone usually forgets the matches or the gasoline.
Subject: A nun. A nun walks into a liquor store and asks the proprietor for a fifth of whiskey.
He replies, "But Sister, it would not be proper for me to sell liquor to a nun." So the nun leans over the counter and whispers conspiratorially, "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."
So he sells her the whiskey on the condition that she keeps it in a brown paper bag and not tell anyone what it is.
A couple hours later, he closes his store and walks home through the park. He comes across this same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk.
He approaches her and says, "For shame, Sister! I thought that the whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation."
The nun replies, "It ish. When she sheesh me, she'll shit."
Subject: Three couples. Three couples went out camping. The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other. At about 3 in the morning, Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"
Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."
"How come?"
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"
After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"
"Because that's my dick you're holding."
Subject: Proper Job Placement. Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
*If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
*If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
*If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
*If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
*If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
*If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
*If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
*If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
*And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
Subject: Two women. Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"
Mable answered,
"Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"
Subject: His only daughter. The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date.
"Do you like to screw?" he asked.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised date.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's good at it. You and her should go screw," explained the father.
Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!"
Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed,
"Dammit, Daddy, it's the TWIST, get it right!"
Subject: A boy & his Father. A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at an American shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father, "What is this Father?".
The Father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son, "Go get your Mother".
Subject: What is the difference. Q: What is the difference between a redneck divorce and a tornado?
A: Nothing. You're gonna lose the trailer either way!
Subject: Grampa & Grandma. Grampa and Grandma sitting a the table.
Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
He says, "What is that for?"
Grandma says, "That's for 40 years of bad sex."
Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, and goes over a slaps Grandma upside the head.
She says, "Now what's that for??"
He says, "That's for knowing the difference."
Subject: There was this kid. One day there was this kid who went up to his dad and asked him what the difference was between theory and reality.
Well son, go ask your mother and your sister if they would sleep with our neighbor and his teenage son, respectively, for a million dollars apiece.
The kid goes away for a few minutes and then returns. well?
His father asks, what did they say?
The kid responds that they both said yes.
See son, that is the difference between theory and reality.
In theory, we are multi-millionaires, but in reality we live with a couple of whores!
Subject: A 7 year old boy & his father. A 7 year old boy and his father were walking through Central Park when they noticed two dogs going at it.
The boy looked up at his father and said "Dad, what are they doing?"
The father, very seriously, said "Well son, they're making a puppy."
Around 1am that night the little boy awoke from a bad dream and wandered into his parents room.
Much to his surprise, he noticed his parents going at it.
He again looked up to his father and said "Dad, what are you and mom doing?"
His father said "Well son, we're making a baby."
The little boy said "Well flip her over dad, I want a puppy!!"
Subject: A priest. A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He walks around a bit and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he would like to go fishing with him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. The fisherman baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a huge fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says, "Whoa!!! What a big sonofabitch!!!" The priest says, "Please sir, can you mind your language?" The fisherman (thinking quickly) responds, "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!" "Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't know" says the priest.
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop, and says, "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please mind your language, this is a house of God!" Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it.
I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, then takes it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Mother: "My word, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it for dinner." Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. The Pope asks where they got it. The priests yells, "I caught that sonofabitch!" The bishop yells, "I cleaned that sonofabitch!"
The head mother yells, "And I cooked that sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!"
Subject: There were two priests. There were two priests having a shower one day, but one of the priests realized there was no soap. He's like : oh no, what are we gonna do, there's no soap! So the other priest decides he'll go to the closet at the end of the hall and get some soap.
He trots his way down, naked as a jay bird, grabs the soap and as he's heading back to the bathroom he hears 3 nuns coming down the hall. Oh shit!!!! now what am i going to do?????
*****lightbulb******
The priest stands against the wall with his hands in the air and a bar of soap in each hand. The nuns come along, admiring this brand new statue. ONe of the nuns wonders what it does.. after all it's holding soap.
She reefs on his dink, and the soap from his left hand falls. The nuns were pretty impressed! The second one wants to try it, so she to reefs on his dink, and wha'd ya know, the other bar of soap falls to the ground.
Well, now the third nun thought she should give it a try as well, so she reefs on his dink..... nothing happens.... so she tries this several more times...
All of a sudden a squeal of delight erupted and she said " Look girls... Liquid soap!!!!!!!"
Subject: Horse & a chicken. There was this horse and a chicken that became very close friends. The chicken was highly intelligent. One day the horse became stuck in a muddy hole. The more he struggled the farther he sank. He yelled to the chicken to go for help.
The chicken ran back to the farm house and pecked at the door, but no one answered. The chicken then went to the barn and pecked on the door of the barn. Again no one answered. The chicken then saw a Mercedes sitting in the drive way.
The chicken got some rope, jumped into the Mercedes and drove out to where the horse was stuck and pulled him out.
Several weeks later the chicken became stuck and yelled to the horse to go for help. Thinking, the horse said, "wait, I think I can handle this." The horse straddled the mud hole and lowered his......member. He told the chicken to grab hold.
The chicken did grab hold and the horse pulled the chicken out of the mud.
Subject: Two brothers. There are two brothers, one named John and one named Bill. One day John went on a business trip and asked Bill to watch his cat. Bill agreed and John left for his trip.
The next day John called to see have his cat was. When he asked, Bill said "You're cat's dead"
John was very upset, especially with the way Bill had broke the news. "Bill,"he said "that was a terrible way to deliver bad news"
" Well what should I have said John, the cat's dead!"
"Listen carefully Bill, if something like this happens again, this is what you do.
On the first day, you say the cat is fine, then on the second day you say the cat's up on the roof and you can't get him down, the next day you say the cat's off the roof and is resting at the vet's, finally you say that the vet found something else wrong with the cat and had to put it to sleep. Got it?"
"Yeah, I'm real sorry, your way was much better." With that said John asked "so by the way, how's mom?" "She's up on the roof and we can't get her down," replied Bill.
Subject: What's the difference. What's the difference between a bartender and a toilet seat?
The toilet seat only has to deal with one asshole at a time.
Subject: An American in a Hotel Bar in China. An American walks into a Hotel Bar in China.
He sits down at the bar and asks the Chinese Barman,
Do you have a Stolli with a twist?
Sure says the Barman.... Once upon a time.......
Subject: A Grasshopper. A Grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The Bartenders serves him the drinks and tells him!
Sir, Do you know that we have a drink named after you?
The Grasshopper looks surprised and asks, You got a drink called Bob?
Subject: A man with a little monkey. A man with a little monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender is watching the man and sees the monkey run down his arm, take a drink of the beer, then sit back down on the mans shoulder!
Wow says the bartender I've never seen anything like that before!
Yeah, says the man, he does that all the time, hey could I get some peanuts?
The bartender gives the man a bowl of peanuts and sure enough, the little monkey runs down the mans arm once again, eats a peanut, and sits back on his shoulder.
The bartender is amazed by now and is laughing hysterically.
Just then the monkey runs down the mans arm one last time, over to the pool table and swallows the que ball!!
Oh I'm sorry, said the man.
Give me one week and I'll bring it back to you.
About a week later the same man walks into the same bar, with the same monkey, orders a beer, and gives the bartender his que ball back.
Sure enough the monkey runs down the mans arm takes a drink of his beer, and runs back to his shoulder. Still up to no good responds the bartender.
Yeah, says the man, hey could I get a bowl of those peanuts?
Sure, responds the bartender, just then the monkey runs down the mans arm, shoves a peanut up his ass, takes it out and eats it!
What the hell, why'd he do that asks the bartender.
Well, says the man, ever since that que ball he's learned to size things first. :-)
Subject:Horny Harry. Horny Harry is on the bus & sees a nun and he wants to do her.
He says to Her "I want to do you."
She says I can't do that I am a nun and gets off the bus.
So the bus driver tells Harry that she goes to the cemetery every night, just dress like God and then tell her.
Harry goes home and gets his costume. Sure enough her comes the nun.
Harry jumps out and says "I am God and I want to do you." She says OK but it has to be up my rear because I want to be a virgin.
Harry says OK. Half way through Harry rips off his mask and says "Ha Ha, I am not God."
The nun then rips off her mask and says "that's Ok because I am the bus Driver."
Subject: A forty something career dishwasher. A forty something career dishwasher I know likes to escape the security of the shelter and he take a bus to Boston about once a month.
On one occasion he had, what I consider a funny story, even if he is still pissed.
He likes to start with a free lunch buffet at the church, then enjoys walking around the city, people watching and seeing who he can annoy.
On this trip, he happened across a lady of the evening, sometime just after sunset.
He was intrigued and asked her what she would do for HIM.
She, replied, I can give you head for tweny-five dollars.
He then searched his pockets and scratched his head and asked her what he could get for seventeen dollars.
As they made their way deeper into Boston Commons, she says that he can get "The Penguin". Our befuddled dishwasher queries, "What's the penguin?"
The working girl tells him to give her the seventeen dollars, and she'll show him.
He hesitates, but finally gives her the money and drops his pants.
As she flees with all speed, he chases her, three inches to a stride, yelling, "WAIT, WAIT, WHAT'S THE PENGUIN?" a true story.
Subject: A guy walks into a bar.. A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a whiskey up.
He takes a small box out of his pocket carefully sets it on the bar and proceeds to down the shot!
" Hey mack, what's in the box?!?!" asks the barkeeper.
The man opens up the box and there is a little man sitting at a little piano playing ragtime!!!
"That's incredible!! Where did you get something like that?!?!" wonders the barkeeper.
"Theres a genie outside granting one wish to each passerby!!" says the man.
As the barkeeper is scampering out of the bar the man tells him to make sure and speak loud n clear!!
"Why's that?!" asks the barkeeper. "Well i sure as hell didn't ask for a 12inch pianist!!!"
Subject: The Trunk. One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.
Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it.
"Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife.
"Honey," he says, "We've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?"
The wife immediately protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex.
"I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!"
So, she takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash. "Jesus Christ!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?"
"Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."
The husband could not believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "Alright, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but did say we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three ears of corn in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?"
"Well," she replies, "Whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."
Subject: The big-rig operator. The big-rig operator stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired after she'd climbed into the cab.
"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said.
"Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"
Subject: 3 nuns. There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of cause I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin."
The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week."
The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours."
The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."
Subject: A cockroach. A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.
The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away.
The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance.
He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.
The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."
Subject: Two nuns. So, it seems that two nuns were traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second.
She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FUCKING HOOD!!"
Subject: A triple martini. A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini. The bartender says "Wow! Two back-to-back triple martini's!! Are you celebrating anything??"
She says "Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and this morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!"
The bartender looks at the guy and says "Are you celebrating anything?" And the guy says "Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, I've been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes.
I walked out from the birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!"
The bartender says "Congratulations!! How'd ja do it??"
He said "I changed cocks."
She said, "Me, too!!"
Subject: The accident. Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Subject: Married. A middle-aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. Settling into the bridal suite at their hotel on their wedding night, the bride turns to her groom: "Please promise to be gentle... I am still a virgin."
The startled groom replied, "How can that be? You've been married three times!"
The bride responds... "Well, you see, it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was an astronomer and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
Catching her breath, she then added, "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was... Oh, God, I miss him!"
Subject: Your Mail. You just awake... your eyes are still shut
Still cant quite focus... still draggin your butt
You know you need coffee... can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker... and put the mug to your lip
The feeling is warm... just what you need
But you know you need more... and it's something to read
The paper you say??? no... don't think so.. not it...
It's much more exciting... you can't wait to "click"...
You boot up your puter... you click that icon...
Can't keep from grinning... you're really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome"... your heart skips a beat!!
You know you're addicted... all the friends that you'll meet.
And then you see it... you wait with a stare...
The mail box lights up!! "you've got mail" waiting there!!
OH.. what a feeling!!... you look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail... and you knew you were right!!
So you go thru the mail... knowing this is the "Best"..
Reading this reading that... as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the "delete" key... others get your first click
You know you must hurry... you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it... You can't wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter... who's name will it be?
And then there it is... covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound... Oh.. you know what that means!!!
"Quick mail check" you promised... you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM... and you're pressing for time!
You know that you want to... and respond you will
So you stop what you're doing.. and go for the thrill!
You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and Hugs...
You type and send words... refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check... turns to hours online!
Subject: The difference. Q: What's the difference between your dog barking and scratching at your back door and your girlfriend yelling and pounding at your front door?
A: If you let the dog in, he'll censored up!
Subject: A bride. Why does a bride always smile when walking down the isle after she is married?
Because she knows that she has already given the last blow job that she'll ever have to give!
Subject: Exam. CITY OF LOS ANGELES (or place appropriate CA city here!)
HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME: __________________
GANG: __________________
1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each driveby shooting, how many driveby shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
3. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
4. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
5. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the witch that spent his money?
6. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
Subject: A southern belle. A visiting southern belle comes into the bar and orders a drink.
A drunk greaseball sidles up to her and says, "Hey, baby, why don't you just sit on my face?!" to which she sweetly replies,"Why? Is your nose bigger than your d***?"
Subject: If. If there is $100 in the middle of an intersection and on the four corners are Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, a dyke that kinda likes guys, and a full blown dyke, which one is going to get the money first?
The full blown dyke because the rest are just figments of your imagination.
Subject: The home. There is a three story home with a hispanic family on the first floor, a white family on the second floor, and a black family on the third.
On Wednesday afternoon the entire house catches fire, who survives?
The white family, they were at work!
Subject: CIA. Three men are being interviewed for one job position with the CIA.
All three are told to bring their wives with them to the final interview.
The wives are each put into separate rooms.
The first one is handed a gun and told that the final test to become a CIA agent is that he must kill his wife.
He takes the gun and goes into the room where his wife is.
In about one minute he comes back out and tells the interviewers "I just can't do it.
We've only been married 6 months and I love her too much to kill her".
The CIA men tell him that he has failed the test.
The CIA recruiters ask the second applicant how long he has been married.
He replys that he has been married 5 years.
They tell him that as a final test he must kill his wife and they hand him the gun.
He goes into the room where his wife is. After a few minutes he comes back out.
He says, "I can't do it.
She's the mother of my children, a I just lover her too much to kill her."
He is told that he has failed the test.
The third man is asked how long he has been married, he replys that he has been married 22 years.
The CIA men hand him the gun and tell him that he must kill his wife.
He takes the gun and goes into the room where his wife is.
The CIA men hear BAM ... BAM, BAM ... BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM,BAM.
Then they hear a lot of scuffling, screaming, and other loud noises.
In a few minutes the man comes out of the room.
The CIA men ask him what has happened.
He replys, "Some dumb SOB put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle the bitch."
Subject: Teaching to Drive. An insurance claim agent was teaching his wife to drive when the breaks suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.
"I can't stop!" she shrilled.
"what should I do?"
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."
Subject: A rooster and a telephone pole. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A 20 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Subject: The name. A man has been driving around town for a while and decides to stop and have a drink somewhere.
After driving for quite a while he finally finds a place.
He parks his car and goes inside the bar.
The bar turns out to be a gay bar.
He figures that he is only going to have one so he decides to take a seat.
The waiter approaches and asks what he can get him. "I'll have a beer", says the man.
The waiter says "first you have to tell me the name of your penis." "What", says the man.
"First you have to tell me the name of your penis", said the waiter.
The man thinks for a while and finally asks the waiter what his penis' name is.
The waiter says "Pierre".
The man thinks for a while and finally says "I got a name, It's Secret".
"Secret" says the waiter.
"Yeah Secret, because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman".
Subject: FREE BEER! This guy walks into a bar and sees this sign above the bar that says "FREE BEER! FREE BEER! FREE BEER! (if you pass the test.)
So this guy walks up to the bartender and asks him what the test is.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink this gallon of spicy tequilla and take it down with no facial expression what so ever.
Next, you have to go outside in back where there is an alligator.
This alligator has a sore tooth and it has to be removed.
After the tooth is removed, you have to go upstairs.
Up there, there is a woman that has never had an orgasm.
If you give her an orgasm after doing the other 2 things, you get to drink free beer all night." The guy tells him that seems a little too much right now, maybe he'll check back later.
After throwing a few drinks down, he goes back to the bar and tells the bartender he wants to take the test.
So he drinks the whole gallon of spicy tequilla with no expression except one tear that runs down his cheek. Then, he goes out back. There is all this noise and things are getting thrown around.
He then comes inside and says to the bartender, "OK, now where the hell is that woman with the sore tooth?"
Subject: 10 Reasons For... FOR.......... Top 10 reasons for being American:
-----------------------------------
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever
made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth;
when you're not, at all.
Top 10 reasons for being Canadian:
-----------------------------------
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge sawed off shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
Top 10 reasons for being French:
---------------------------------
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
Top 10 reasons for being English:
----------------------------------
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah
2. Warm beer
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events
5. Union jack underpants
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh, or Scottish
Top 10 reasons for being Welsh:
-------------------------------
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?!?!?
Top 10 reasons for being Irish:
--------------------------------
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road
4. Pubs never close
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew
9. More Guiness
10. Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
Top 10 reasons for being Italian:
----------------------------------
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns
4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside
6. Political stability
7. Flexible working hours
8. Live near the Pope
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
Top 10 reasons for being Spanish:
----------------------------------
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing
6. Honesty
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles
9. Gibraltar
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
Top 10 reasons for being German:
---------------------------------
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.9.
10. In-built sense of pacifism
Top 10 reasons for being Indian:
---------------------------------
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potatoe
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chisken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager
Top 10 reasons for being Australian:
------------------------------------
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drinking some cold lager on the beach.
Subject: Two ladies. Two older southern ladies are sitting on the porch having iced tea one hot day.
One lady says to the other, "My husband just bought me a huge new home."
The other lady replies,"Oh, that's nice." The first lady then says, "My husband also just bought me a new diamond ring."
The other lady replies, "Oh, that's nice." The first lady then asks her, "What has your husband bought you lately?"
The second lady replies, "My husband bought me lessons at charm school."
The first lady asks, "What ever did he do that for?"
The second lady replies, "It's so I say 'Oh, that's nice.' instead of 'F**K YOU!'"
Subject: Lying. The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.
He turns to be defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"
"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out
"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.
The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"
The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"
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