 The Kangaroo.
Speed limit.
Update.
Horse horror story!
Mem are like...
There's this lady.
Classic One Liners.
To date my daughter.
A hooker.
Wife wanted.
Enjoying a beer.
A little old woman.
What is pink & fuzzy.
A guy & a girl.
Pink & purple.
Stress & tension.
An escaped convict.
Three Pastors.
A Polish farmer.
Annual trip.
To change a light bulb.
Female delivery service.
This old geezer.
A letter from Florida.
Looking in the toilet.
Three bears.
Three different jokes.
How can you tell a head nurse?
Three girlfriends.
If there is H2O.
A state motto.
A little girl.
A vasectomy.
Suspicious.
Earning His Allowance?
Tickle Me Elmo Doll.
Driving home.
A horse.
A guy walks into a bar with a frog.
Evils of drinking.
Things I've learned from my child.
A farmer & his wife.
a priest.
A cop.
Financial Thoughts.
Pet monkey.
Walking along the beach.
The street corner.
A hemorrhoid.
A gay guy.
A guy sees a girl.
2 black eyes.
Try a Midonna.
Pinocchio.
Birthday.
You can imagine.
This old retired dad.
There are two little boys.
Sex.
A man & his wife.
Two ladies.
A preacher.
Cinderella.
The gorilla.
Three girlfriends.
A blind man.
A confirmation student.
A man walks into a bar & sits down.
I been robbed.
Scary.
Marriage.
Man with the five penises.
The New Priest.
A construction job.
A battered woman.
Undocumented Error Codes.
The prostitute.
A lesbian.
10 shots of Tequila.
Lesbian.
Top Ten Signs.
Did you hear...
What has 200 legs...
The other night.
A vampire.
The Genie.
Frank.
Why don't witches wear panties?
Barkeepers & gynaecologists.
An older couple.
Jack's house.
A man want to catch bears.
Cross Microsoft with Apple.
I just started a new diet.
Man & his date.
Pickup Lines & Rebuttals.
Two Digits for a Date.
A guy goes into a bar.
The one about.
One evening a husband.
What do you call.
A teacher.
There was this little kid.
This gay guy goes into a bar.
I'm a male chauvinist.
U.S. Savings bond.
Mr. Murphy.
There was a big conference.
Honeymoon Tales.
A sea gull?
Thought For The Day.
Did you hear.
A bear & a rabbit.
An elephant, a skunk & a giraffe.
A man dies.
A nun.
Three couples.
Proper Job Placement.
Two women.
his only daughter.
A boy & his Father.
What is the difference.
Grampa & Grandma.
Adam said to Eve.
Grosser than gross?
There was this kid.
ms. sissippi.
Is it safer to drive.
A 7 year old boy & his father.
A priest.
There were two priests.
The moral of the story.
Horse & a chicken.
There are two brothers.
What's the difference.
An American in a Hotel Bar in China.
A Grasshopper.
A man with a little monkey.
Horny Harry.
A forty something career dishwasher.
A guy walks into a bar.
The Trunk.
The big-rig operator.
There where 3 nuns.
A man is sitting at home.
Two nuns.
A guy walks into a bar.
Brenda O'Malley.
A middle-aged man.
Your Mail.
The difference.
The difference.
Why does a bride.
Exam.
A visiting southern belle.
Food that makes women stop having sex.
$100.
There is a three story home.
What's the difference.
Princess Di.
Three men.
An insurance claim agent.
Did you hear about.
Why do.
What do you get.
A man has been driving.
This guy walks into a bar.
10 Reasons For...
Two older southern ladies.
The judge.
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 Top
Subject: The Kangaroo.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.
The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.
This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!"
Top
Subject: Speed limit.
What's the speed limit for sex? 68.
At 69 you have to stop and eat! Hee Hee.
Top
Subject: Update.
Important update from the employee services department.
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING(D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Top
Subject: HORSE HORROR STORY!
"Today, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
It all started when I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine, then the horse starts bouncing out of control. My cries of "Whoa!" and pulling back on the reigns went unheeded.
I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup, causing me to fall head first to the ground.
Unable to free myself, my head continued to bounce harder, as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it."
Top
Subject: MEN ARE LIKE...
Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
and...
Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard OUCH!
Top
Subject: This lady.
So there's this lady and she stumbles upon this "magic" mirror at a yard sale. After buying it she rushes home and puts it on her bathroom door. Later that night, she decides to take a shower, and looks in the mirror and wants to try it out. "Mirror mirror on the door, make my BOOBS a 44! " BOOM, I mean BOOOOOM! There they are. Instantly she ran to her husband and showed him all she had to offer. In a fit of excitement he ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "Joe-Joe" hit the floor." Unbelievably his legs disappeared and his wish came true.
Top
Subject: Classic One Liners.
I believe in capital punishment as long as it isn't too severe!
Politicians and diapers should be changed often and for the same reason!
Denial is not just a river in Egypt!
Mixed emotions is when your teenager gets an A+ in sex education!
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and only annoys the pig!
Confucius say, "Man who date flat chested girl have right to feel low!
An apprentice pimp might also be called a Rookie Nookie Bookie!
Never count to 10 with your hands in your pockets; you might reach 11!
A hydromatic homo might also be called a Shiftless Cock Sucker!
Last, but not least:
Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints!
Top
Subject: Application.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME
_____________________________________________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH
_____________________________________________________________________
HEIGHT__________ WEIGHT___________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #_______________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________
HOME ADDRESS________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?
_____________________________________________________________________
If NO, please explain
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married_______________________________
If less than your age, explain
_____________________________________________________________________
Do you own a van? _______________
A truck with oversized tires?_______________
A waterbed? _______________
A pickup with a mattress in the back? _______________
A condom? _______________
Pornography? _______________
Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring?_______________
A tattoo? _______________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________________________
Church you attend
_____________________________________________________________________
How often you attend
_____________________________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
priest? _____________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
_____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
_____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
_____________________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
_____________________________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:
_____________________________________________________________________
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up?
_____________________________________________________________________
What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_____________________________________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury)
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).
Top
Subject: A hooker.
How do you know when a hooker is getting old...
She sits on the bar stool beside you and the seat goes missing.
Top
Subject: Wife wanted.
A fella puts a "wife wanted" ad in the classifieds.
The next day he received 100 responses.
They all said the same thing. "You can have mine."
Top
Subject: Enjoying a beer.
One day a man is sitting in a bar enjoying a beer.
He goes to take a sip of his beer, and hears someone say, "Hey buddy, nice tie!"...
He's a little confused, because he's the only one in the bar (besides the bartender), but he figures that he was just hearing things, shrugs, and goes to take another sip of beer.
Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, have you lost weight?
Looking good!" He puts his beer down and looks around.
Still no one. He cautiously goes to take another drink, and hears someone say, "Wow, nice jacket, looks great on you!" Finally the man puts down his beer and calls the bartender over.
"Hey," he asks the bartender, "have you been hearing any voices?"
The bartender asks, "What sort of voices?" The man replies, "They keep saying things like, 'nice tie' or 'have you lost weight?' or 'nice jacket'..."
The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "OH! I know who's saying that. It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."!
Top
Subject: A little old woman.
A little old woman sitting on her rocking chair is visited by an angel.
The angel gives the woman 3 wishes for being so good all of her life.
The woman first asks to be filthy rich...poof!
Her rocking chair is turned into solid gold.
The woman then asks to be a beautiful young princess...poof!
She is a beautiful young princess.
The now young woman then sees her old cat walking in the yard and asks for him to be turned into a handsome prince as he has been her favorite companion...poof!
He is a handsome young prince, and the angel disappears.
The princess runs to the prince and gives him a passionate kiss.
The prince just smiles at her and says "Now I bet you wish you wouldn't have neutered me all those years ago, huh?"
Top
Subject: What is pink.
What is pink and fuzzy and gets wet when you rub it?
A kitten's nose... you pervert!
Top
Subject: A guy & a girl.
There was a guy and a girl sitting in a car.
The guy says to the girl, "I want to finger you."
The girl says, "No you can't. I 'm having my period."
So a few minutes later, a police officer comes up to the car and knocks on the window.
The police officer says, "What are you doing in there?"
The guy licks his fingers and says, "Eating Pizza."
Top
Subject: Pink and purple.
What's the difference between pink and purple?
Your grip
Top
Subject: Stress and tension.
Q: What is the difference between stress and tension?
A: Tension is when your wife is pregnant and stress is when your secretary is pregnant.
Top
Subject: An escaped convict.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. After all, he just told me he thinks you have a really nice ass."
Top
Subject: Three Pastors.
One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"
Top
Subject: A Polish farmer.
A Polish farmer had fifty female pigs and wanted them all pregnant. His friend told him to screw them himself, and if in the morning they were rolling in the hay they weren't pregnant, but if they were rolling in the mud, they were.
So the farmer decides this is a good idea, and that night he loads all the pigs into his truck, takes them into the woods, and screws them all.
The next morning, he looks out the window and sees all the pigs rolling in the hay. He's really frustrated, but decides to give it one more shot. So that night he takes all the pigs to the woods and screws them again.
The next morning, he looks out the window, and all the pigs are rolling in the hay. He's really tired, but thinks he'll try one more time. That night he takes all the pigs out and screws them yet again.
The next morning he's too tired to look out the window, so he tells his wife to tell him if the pigs are rolling in the mud or the hay. She goes to the window and tells him he better look for himself.
The farmer goes to the window and sees all the pigs in the truck honking the horn and waiting for him.
Top
Subject: Annual trip.
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Top
Subject: To change a light bulb.
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four, one to actually change it and three friends to brag to about how he screwed it.
Top
Subject: Female delivery service.
Q. You hear about the new all female delivery service?
A. It's called UPMS - they deliver whenever the hell they feel like it.
Top
Subject: This old geezer.
This old geezer lived near the Ohio River, and in the recent floods, he was washed away and his friends and family feared that he'd drowned.
Miraculously, though, a state trooper pulled him out and his life was saved.
The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears.
Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven!
We'd like you to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you."
"Thanks," said the old geezer. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods."
"No problem," said St. Peter. "I'll make the arrangements and get back to you."
A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old geezer and took him to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited backstage while the audience got settled, and the geezer was pleased to see that it was rather a large crowd.
The St. Peter grabbed the old geezer's arm. "Now, I don't want to make you nervous, but I've just spotted Noah in the crowd."
Top
Subject: A letter from Florida.
My darling Grandson,
I have aged a little since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old Grannie.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he's here he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes! I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma Gussie
P.S. Rabbi Abrams came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time.
No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself........... "Now, what am I here after?"
Top
Subject: Looking in the toilet.
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?
To find Pooh!
Top
Subject: Three bears.
There were these three bears. The papa bear liked beer, the mama bear liked beans, and the baby bear liked listening to Elvis Presley records. One day, while the bears were out for a walk, a mouse came out of his mousehole.
He jumped up on the table, drank all of papa bear's beer, ate all of mama bear's beans, and started to listen to baby bear's Elvis Presley records.
Then he heard the bears coming back from their walk, so he jumped back into his mousehole. But he forgot to turn the record player off.
The bears walked into the kitchen. Papa bear roared, "Somebody's been drinking my beer!" Mama bear growled, "Somebody's been eating my beans!"
And baby bear squeaked, "Somebody's been listening to my Elvis Presley records, and forgot to turn the record player off!"
The mouse staggered out of his hole and replied, "Hiccup! Fart! I'm All Shook Up!"
Top
Subject: Three different jokes.
------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a friend in the forest?
------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is "urinate." Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
Top
Subject: How can you tell a head nurse?
Q: How can you tell a head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees!
Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A: Toys for Twats!
Top
Subject: Three girlfriends.
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry.
So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man.
She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.
She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts!
Top
Subject: H2O.
If there is H2O inside a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K9P.
Top
Subject: A state motto.
As a state motto:
"Virginia: How can a state where blowjobs are a felony be for lovers?"
Top
Subject: A little girl.
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable.
She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl,
"I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"
Top
Subject: A vasectomy.
Hey did you hear about the guy that got a vasectomy at Sears?
Every time he has a hard on, the garage door goes up!
Top
Subject: Suspicious.
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women." she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," replied Eve.
Top
Subject:Earning His Allowance?
A Father asked his 5-year-old son just what he thought he did to earn a weekly allowance.
"Well, for one thing," replied the lad, "I keep your wife occupied all day."
Top
Subject: Tickle Me Elmo Doll.
What is the last thing a Tickle Me Elmo Doll gets at the factory?
Two test tickles.
Top
Subject: Driving home.
One night a man is driving home and gets pulled over for speeding.
Unfortunately he's also had a few drinks, so he has to stay in a jail cell for night.
As he's sitting there trying to decide how he's going to get out of this mess he hears someone say, "In every relationship, there's a husband, and there's a wife. Now which do you want to be?"
He looks over and sees a rather large biker sitting in the corner staring at him.
Needless to say, he replies, "Uh... the husband?"
So the biker replies, "Alright. Now come over here and suck your wife's dick."
Top
Subject: A horse.
A horse walks into the bar and orders beer and I look for a sec then said hey pal why the long face:)
A ham sandwich comes up to the bar I sent him away cause I don't serve no food!
Top
Subject: A frog.
A guy walks into a bar with a frog.
He sits next to this real attractive lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink.
The lady says "that's a disgusting looking frog you got there."
The guys says, "Yeah well lemmie tell ya something... this here frog is THE BEST damn pussy eater you ever seen."
The lady is outrages and says so then promptly gets up and moves across the bar.
A few hours pass....
The lady has had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog...
So she staggers back up to the guy and says, "OK prove it!".
They run get a hotel room.. the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with legs spread open wide.
The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then commands, "go homer!".... the frog lays there.... he commands again... "GO HOMER" the frog still does nothing....
He picks up the frog and tosses into the corner and says, "If I've shown ya once ... I've shown ya 1000 times .. now watch how its done!"
Top
Subject: Evils of drinking.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
Top
Subject: Things I've learned from my child.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite...
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape...
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room...
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on...
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit...
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way...
When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late...
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it...
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak -- it explodes...
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep...
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old...
Duplos will not......
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence...
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water...
Pool filters do not like Jell-O...
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do........
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes...
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving...
Always look in the oven before you turn it on...
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy........
It will however make cats dizzy........
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Top
Subject: A farmer & his wife.
A farmer and his wife are lying in bed one night when the farmer starts to rub her breasts. He says "If these would only give milk, then we could get rid of our cows."
After a few minutes he starts rubbing her bottom. He says "If this would only lay eggs, then we could get rid of our chickens."
After a while his wife starts rubbing his penis. She says "If this would only get hard more often then we could get rid of the farm hand!"
Top
Subject: A priest.
One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him a wondered what was wrong.
The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.
"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"
"No," said the other.
"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time,"
"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."
"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife'? asked the first.
"Yes" said the second.
"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was ' I now sentence you to death.'
Top
Subject:
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyser test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Top
Subject: Financial Thoughts.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two thousand dollars and a substantial tax cut save you two dollars?
Why do banks use all that space and money to construct so many teller stations, then never have more than two or three in use?
Top
Subject: Pet monkey.
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and while he was drinking the monkey was jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. Finally he jumped up on the pool table, grabbed the cue ball, stuck it in his mouth and swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" exclaimed the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bill, and left.
Two weeks later he was in the bar again, and he had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it..
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked. "Now what?" responded the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" said the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Top
Subject: Walking along the beach.
One day a guy is walking along the beach and comes upon a lamp half buried in the sand.
He looks at it, feels a little silly, then decides, "ah, what the hell," picks it up and rubs it. Sure enough, a genie billows out in a cloud of smoke and says, "thank you, for releasing me, I'll grant you any wish you want."
The guy thinks for a moment and tells the genie, "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly and I love to drive. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii?" At which point the genie shakes his head, "that's some serious design engineering.
Even for a genie that's tough. It would take me along time.
Is there another wish that I could grant you maybe?"
Again, the guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I've always wanted to understand women."
Again, the genie shakes his head, "would you like that to be two lanes or four?
Top
Subject: The street corner.
Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?"
The 2nd old man replied, "I was in jail."
The 1st old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?"
He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'."
The 1st old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"
2nd old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it."
Top
Subject: A hemorrhoid.
Q) What does a faget call a hemorrhoid?
A) Speed bump
Q) What Is the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A) The ritz cracker is a snack cracker and the lesbian is a crack snacker.
Top
Subject: A gay guy.
What do you call balls on a gay guy?
Mud flaps.
Top
Subject: A guy sees a girl.
A guy sees a girl with no arms and no legs, only a torso, weeping by the ocean front, so he goes up to her and asks "why are you crying Ma'am, and she tells him, "I'm 20 yrs old and I have no arms and no legs, and I have never been kissed."
So the guy feels pity on her and gives her the most gentle kiss she can imagine,and is back on his way. But then again he hears her crying, so he goes to her and asks,"now why are you crying?"
She tells him, "I'm 20yrs old and I don't have hands or legs, and I have never been screwed as yet."
So he rolls her and gives her a push into the water and says, "There now young woman consider your self screwed"
Top
Subject: 2 black eyes.
Q. What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A. Nothing. She has already been told twice.
Top
Subject: Try a Midonna.
Try a Midonna,
it's a Shirley Temple without the cherry.
Top
Subject: Pinocchio.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
Top
Subject: Birthday.
What do you give an 80 year old lady for her birthday??
Mikey... he'll eat anything!
Top
Subject: You can imagine.
I'm sure you can imagine, it's simple as can be,
The place is very private, the players, he and she.
She whispers, "Will it hurt?" "Of course not," says he.
"It's a very simple procedure, just lay back and bend your knee."
It's getting rather painful and tears come to her eyes,
It must be something awful, it must be some size.
Then finally, with a jerk, she gives a little shout,
"Thank goodness it's all over! Thank god he got it out!"
***********************************************************
If you read this very carefully, he's a dentist, you will find.
It's not what you were thinking, it's just your dirty mind!
Top
Subject: This old retired dad.
This old retired dad and his son are talking one day.
The son says to him "Dad, I want to get my driver's license."
His dad tells him "There are three things that you need to do.
1. Improve your grades.
2. Read the Bible.
3. Get a haircut."
Well, a little time passes and the boy comes to his father with a report card.
His grades are good and he also tells his father that he has been reading the Bible.
"There is this man named Jesus Christ that had long hair."
"Yes," his father says, "But if you keep reading, you will find that Jesus also walked everywhere that he went!"
Top
Subject: There are two little boys.
There are two little boys in church.
They, like any other young kids, get bored with the sermon and start talking and goofing off.
After the service, the pastor calls the two bait in the hall while he brings the other boy in to talk to him.
"Billy," he says "Where is God?"
Billy looks scared and runs out of the office.
As he runs by, he grabs his friend and says "Run, quick! God is missing and they think we took him!!"
Top
Subject: Sex.
The man, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Top
Subject: A man & his wife.
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.
The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.
"This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships.
Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.
The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle.
Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!"
They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself:
"Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
Top
Subject: Two ladies.
Two ladies are talking with each other when the first one says, "I've got a sore throat.".
The second lady responds, "Well, when I get a sore throat I suck on a Life Saver.".
The first lady then says, "That's easy for you. You live next to the beach.".
Top
Subject: A preacher.
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Top
Subject: Cinderella.
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphram." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?" she asks.
"You must be home by 2 A.M. the fairy godmother says. "Any later, and your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphram was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other....
Top
Subject: The gorilla.
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's wearing a loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they are walking through the ape exhibit they pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes nuts. He jumps up on the bar, holding on with one hand (and two feet)and grunting, while pounding his chest with his free hand.
He is obviously very excited by this pretty lady in the wavy pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor chap, suggesting she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall which she does and the gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
The husband tells his wife to try lifting her dress up her thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, throws her in with the gorilla and says "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Top
Subject: Three girlfriends.
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
Top
Subject: A blind man.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Top
Subject: A confirmation student.
A confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order.
He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
Top
Subject: A man walks into a bar and sits down.
A man walks into a bar and sits down.
Suddenly, he hears this voice say "wow, your a good looking man".
Man looks around, the bars empty and the bartender is at the far end of the bar.
Suddenly, he hears a voice say "that's a really nice looking suit", looks around again, bars still empty.
A voice come on again " I'd really like to get to know you better", finally he gets up and asks the bartender " hey, can you hear any of this?"
Bartender replies:" Oh, that's just the peanuts, they're complimentary."
Top
Subject: I been robbed.
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see.
He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD.... they got me girlfriend too!!"
Top
Subject: Scary.
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.
The chemist was brought forward first.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.
"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened.
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.
Then the biologist was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
"No, just get on with it."
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
Top
Subject: Marriage.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer.. It just seems longer.
Wife: Let's go out tonight and have some fun. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before me, leave the hall light on.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months....I don't want to interrupt her.
A man is incomplete until he gets married. After that, he's finished.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you!" And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."
Top
Subject: Man with the five penises.
Did you hear about the man with the five penises?
His pants fit him like a glove.
Top
Subject: The New Priest.
The young new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could barely speak.
Before his second mass, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax more.
The Monsignor told him, "Next Sunday, put vodka in the water pitcher; after a few sips everything should go smoothly."
So the next Sunday the new priest put this suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm.
He felt great.
However, upon returning to his rectory, he found this note from the Monsignor:
" 1) Next time sip the vodka--don't gulp it down by the glassful.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
5) The recommended grace before meals is not 'rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub'.
6) We do not refer to the Holy Cross as the 'Big T'.
7) We do not refer to Our Savior Jesus Christ and His disciples as 'J.C. and the boys'.
8) We do not refer to the Father, Son and Holy Ghost as 'Daddy, Junior and the Big Spook'.
9) Next Sunday, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
10) The idea of a drive-thru confessional isn't bad, but the sign, 'Toot and Tell or Go to Hell' has got to go.
11) Last, but not least, we say, 'The Virgin Mary', not 'Mary with the cherry'.
Top
Subject: A construction job.
There was a construction job next to a convent, and the nuns found that their prayers and devotions were frequently interrupted by the construction crew spouting streams of foul language.
So the nuns begged Mother Superior to put a stop to this.
She went to the foreman and told him that this must stop. The foreman said, "Look, Sister, we believe in calling a spade a spade."
"No, you don't," Mother Superior said. "You call it a fucking shovel."
Top
Subject: A battered woman.
Q: What is the first thing that a battered woman does when she gets out of the battered women shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
Q: Do you know there is 10,000 battered women in Minnesota?
And I've been eating them plain for this long.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because any of them who can run, jump, or swim is already here.
Top
Subject: Undocumented Error Codes.
1. Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
2. REALITY.DAT not found. Attempting to restore Universe......
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
Press Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
3. REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
4. USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
5. Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
6. Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
7. BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
8. Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
9. Signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
10. Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
11. Spell checker not found. Press -- to continue ...
12. A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
13. A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
14. A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
15. A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
16. Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
17. Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
18. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
19. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
20. Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
21. SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
22. APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
23. ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
Top
Subject: The Prostitute.
Did you hear about the prostitute who didn't vote?
She didn't care who got in.
Top
Subject: A lesbian.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: Well hung.
Top
Subject: 10 shots of Tequila.
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of Tequila.
The bartender is stunned when the man drinks all 10 shots faster than they were poured.
"Is everything alright?" ask the bartender.
"Everythings great, I'm just celebrating my first blow job", says the man.
The bartender smiles and says " Well, let me buy you another shot."
"No Thanks " says the man, "Ten shot of tequila should get that taste out of my mouth."
Top
Subject: Lesbian.
Q: What is the P.C. term for a lesbian?
A: Vagitarian.
Top
Subject: Top Ten Signs.
Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize
(Offensive to CEO's)
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store" are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!"
Top
Subject: Did you hear...
Did you hear about the girl who was expelled from school for eating a Polish sausage in class?
The Polack was expelled too.
Top
Subject: What has 200 legs...
What has 200 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row of a Hanson concert!
Top
Subject: The other night.
The other night I was picking up on this girl.
Things were going pretty well and I almost had her convinced to come home with me and my wife when all of a sudden she turns to me and says, "Hey! You're a pedophile!!"
I said, "Oh yeah? That's a pretty big word for an 8 year old!"
Top
Subject: A vampire.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
Top
Subject: The Genie.
A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.
Top
Subject: Frank.
A man enters the lobby of a luxurious hotel and a bell boy rushes up to him.
The Bell Boy: "Mr. Sinatra, what an honor! Let me take your bags..."
The Man: "I'm not Frank Sinatra. "
The bell boy insists and called the hotel manager.
He has the same reaction as his employee.
The Manager: "Mr. Sinatra, you should have advised us of your impending
arrival. But it doesn't matter, I'll have our "royal suite" prepared."
The Man: "What language must I use so that you'll understand: I am not Frank Sinatra."
The manager: "I understand very well.
Your anonymity will be respected Mr. Sinatra. "
The man heads for the bar.
The Bartender: "And for Mr. Sinatra... a Bloody Mary!"
The Man (desperate now): "I am not Frank Sinatra."
He goes to a table in the restaurant in the hotel.
A crowd surrounds his table:
"Did you see? It's Frank Sinatra."
A little girl comes up and asks for his autograph.
He scratches: "I AM NOT FRANK SINATRA!!!"
At the end of the evening he goes up to his suite.
The bell boy on his floor, to whom he gives a generous tip, thanks him with a "Thank you very much, Mr. Sinatra. "
He closes the door behind himself and sees, stretched out on the bed, a magnificent creature. She is nude and in a position that is more than suggestive.
The Woman: "Ohhh, Frank..."
The man then advances towards her, singing: "Strangers in the night"!!!
Top
Subject: Why don't witches wear panties?
Q: Why don't witches wear panties?
A: So they can get a better grip on the broom
Top
Subject: Barkeepers & gynaecologists.
Q: What do barkeepers and gynaecologists have in common?
A: They both have to look at cunts all day long!
Top
Subject: An older couple.
An older couple is sitting at the table having breakfast.
The old lady says to the old man, "Ya know, 50 years ago today, we got married."
The old man says,"ya..."
The old lady says, "Ya know, 50 years ago, we were sitting right here at this table eating breakfast."
The old man says, "ya..."
Then the old lady says, "The only difference between today and 50 years ago, we were sitting here in the buff eating breakfast."
The old man smiles and says, "Yaaaa..."
The old lady says, "Just for old times sake, lets take off all of our clothes and eat our breakfast in the buff."
So they both stand up and take off all their clothes.
They sit back down to eat, when the old lady says, "Ya know Honey, after 50 years my breasts still burn for you."
To this the old man says,"That's because one of them is in your tea, and the other one is in your oatmeal!"
Top
Subject: Jack's house.
Bill goes over to his friend Jack's house, he rings the bell and Jack's wife Jill answers the door.
She says hi Bill how are you? Bill says fine and you?
Jill replies good thanks, if your looking for Jack well he's not here, he will be back soon. Won't you come in and and wait for him.
So Bill goes in and waits. About a half hour goes by and Bill says to Jill "I think Jack is so lucky to have a wife as good looking as you, you have a great body and a very big set of boobs".
Jill begins to blush and says "thank you Bill".
Then Bill says to Jill "I'll give you $100 if you show me your left boob".
She hesitates for a moment then says "well what the hell why not".
She shows him and he gives her the money.
Bill asked to see the right boob for another $100. So she shows him the right boob and Bill gave her the money.
Bill then said to Jill "if you show me both boobs at once I will give you $200".
Jill thinks to herself, (why not, if he's that crazy to give me all this money just to see my boobs sure I'll show him).
So she does and he gives her the money.
Then Bill said "I can't stay any longer, when Jack gets home tell him I was here".
A short while later Jack comes home and Jill said "your crazy friend Bill was here waiting for you".
Jack said to Jill "did he leave me the $400 he owes me?"
Top
Subject: A man want to catch bears.
A man want to catch bears but does not believe in shooting them.
He asks a few people if they have any ideas on how to catch bears by setting a trap.
One guy tells him that he should dig a hole, put some ashes in it, and them put peas around it.
The man asks "How in the hell this is going to catch a bear?."
The other man replies, "When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole."
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Subject: Cross Microsoft with Apple.
Q: What do you get when you cross Microsoft with Apple?...
A: Microsoft.
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Subject: A New Diet.
I just started a new diet. It's called the guilty nanny die |