Subject: Excuses. A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.
On the first tee, the golfer missed his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.
The man turned to his caddie and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
To which the caddie replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Subject: Help My Wife. A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
Subject: Too Much of the 2000's. 25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 2000's
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone #'s, to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver!
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase, is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized, is multicolored Post-It notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 4 AM, to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
Subject: 24 Hour Service. A traveling salesman was passing through a rural town in Vermont and decided to take a little time out in order to have some clothes cleaned in a hurry. The town only had three streets so he was able to quickly locate a shop with a sign that read, "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service".
After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"I do, son," the proprietor said. "But I only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday... eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
Subject: The Letter. When Kevin came home, his wife, Liz, was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," Liz sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Kevin asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Liz, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"
Subject: The Present. Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
Subject: Mood Ring. I bought April one of those mood rings the other day.
When she's in a good mood, it turns green.
When she's in a *normal* (bad) mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Subject: Day off. A worker asked his boss for the day off.
The boss looked at him for a moment then said;
Look, there are 365 days in a year and you already have 2 days off each weekend, so that leaves 251 days for work.
But you spend 16 hours each day away from work and that uses up 170 days, leaving 81 days, you spend at least 30 minutes a day on tea breaks and that adds up to 23 days a year, leaving 68 days. A one hour lunch break tots up to another 46 days leaving 22 days.
You usually have 2 sickies a year, which leaves you with 20 days for work. But there are 5 public holidays every year, so your working time is down to 15 days. And of that 15 days, 14 is taken up by your annual vacation.
So you're left with one day for work. This is it, and I'm dammed if I'm going to let you take it off.
Subject: Hoover Dam. "No, I didn't actually build it," said the beaver to the rabbit as they stared up at the immense bulk of Hoover Dam, "but it's based on an idea of mine."
Subject: Paper. A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband shrugged, "So, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
Subject: Umbrella. A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"
Subject: Moving. Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy.
"You've already moved most of the earth."
Subject: One Month. A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
Subject: Pot Roast. Mr. and Mrs. Steinfeld are asleep in their beds late one night, when Mrs. Steinfeld hears a noise downstairs.
"Wake up!" cried Mrs. Steinfeld, nudging her husband. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight!"
"What do we care," said Mr. Steinfeld. "As long as they don't die in the house!"
Subject: The Prescription. A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked, "How often do I take these."
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you." replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
Subject: Outta paper. Bubba was never none too swift.
He was printing-out reports at a PC and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost outta paper. Watta I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, Bubba took his last remaining blank piece of paper from the printer tray, put it on the photocopier, and proceeded to make fifty blank copies.
Subject: A Noise. One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Subject: Casual. Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a young woman trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man shrugged, "Yeah, well, that's one benefit of owning the company."
Subject: The Long Line. Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance at the Edmonton International Airport in Canada, I was annoyed to hear a loud male voice behind me. "Excuse me, excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the front. "I want to make sure I get a good seat."
I resolved not to let this line-jumper get ahead of me. When I felt a tap on my shoulder, I whirled around, prepared to give the man a tongue-lashing - but found myself face to face with a smiling pilot.
Subject: Helping Hand. After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home," said the director. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Subject: Cookies. A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with a booty of brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, this box of cookies has one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.
Subject: Getting up late. Pete had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Pete went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Pete slept well and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Subject: Makes Sense To Me. An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"
"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"
Subject: Fire fighters. A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Subject: Second Opinion. A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."
Subject: A small drugstore. John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Subject: There was this lady. There was this lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
Subject: A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian. A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Subject: "Toddler Property Laws". 1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.
Subject: Is this the male version of a blonde joke? Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred lousy dollars!"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Subject: Oil is Greasy. There was an Arab Oil Sheik with three sons. As the oldest son neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked the boy what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like an airplane." He replied. So the Sheik bought him Boeing.
As the next son neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a car." He replied. So the Sheik bought him a Rolls Royce.
As the third son, a boy of simple pleasures, neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a Mickey Mouse outfit, Dad." He replied.
So the Sheik bought him Telecom.
Subject: Kids. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. Mona Crane
I owe a lot to my parents - especially my mother and father. Greg Norman
Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now . Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills - while you still know everything. John Hinde
My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter Scale. Les Dawson
Subject: The question. There is a terrible car crash on the New Jersey Turnpike and three men are killed, an Italian, a Spaniard and an Israeli. Before entering through the Pearly Gates, they must answer the same question: If you could hear what people say about you as they pass your casket, what is the single thing you would most like to hear?
The Italian says, "He was a wonderful architect, a genius, and a fine husband and father."
The Spaniard answers, "He was a great surgeon and a wonderful family man. He was loved by all who knew him. Humanity has suffered a great loss."
The Israeli, having listened quietly to the other two answers, thinks for a moment and replies, "I would really like to hear them say. 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'".
Subject: Top 16 Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife.
16- "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15- "You know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
14- "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13- "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12- "Damn, if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit, from that Richard Simmons fella."
11- "Fred, at the office, passed a stone the size of a pea! Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10- "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9- "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8- "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7- "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
6- "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5- "Got milk?"
4- "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3- "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2- "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water!"
...and the # 1 'Fatal Thing' to say to your pregnant wife is...
1- "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lard Ass!"
Subject: CHINESE DICTIONARY. Dung On Mai Shu------------I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu---------Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne--------------I bumped into the coffee table
Fat Ho----------------------An unattractive woman
Ar U Wun Tu-----------------A gay liberation greeting
Shin Tu Fat-----------------You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong-------------Blow me
Dum Gai---------------------A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai----------------Is that a banana in your pocket?
Won Hung Low--------------Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
Gun Pao Der-----------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung---------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding--------------We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun---------------A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia---------------------Approach me
Lao Ze Sho------------------Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi----------------------Not very good
Lin Ching-------------------An illegal execution
Ne Ahn----------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai-------------------- A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be------------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne--------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba----------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung-------------A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan--------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah---------------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim------------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting----------There is no reason to raise your voice
Subject: A Missionary Story. A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and tells the chief, "this is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "this is a rock." At which the chief looks and grunts, "rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so... how could he kill these people.
The chief replied, "my bike."
Subject: BALD EAGLE. A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
MAN: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
JUDGE: "Proceed."
MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes elapse, and the judge returns.
JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
Subject: PRIEST & NUN. The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:
He: " Sister, I want to show you something."
She: " What is it, Father?
He: " Come into my private room & close the blinds."
She: " WHAT?!"
He: " I said..."
She: " I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
He: " Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
He: " Here, sit on the bed beside me."
She: " I have to get out of here. "
He: " Aren't you the least bit curious? "
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
He: " Get under the covers. "
She: " WHAT?????!!!!! " The nun was really freaking out.
He: " It doesn't work otherwise! " says the priest.
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He: "Come closer," whispers the priest.
Nervously, she does get closer.
He: "See," the priest whispers gleefully, " my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
Subject: Quickie. Q: What's the difference between an extended partition containing two logical drives, and a politician?
A: You don't need Windows 95 to corrupt the politician.
Subject: Spelling and Pronunciation. A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
Subject: Different Father. A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
Subject: A TEXAN RANCHER IN AUSTRALIA. A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Subject: Golf. A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in h*** of hitting her from here!"
Subject: The Hijacker. A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said,"Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blow jobs."
Subject: The big deep hole. Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow... that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey... over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Subject: Those Are the Breaks. A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
Subject: Walking to work. A lady was walking to work and she saw a parrot in a cage in front of the pet store.
The parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot who once again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, she was incredibly ticked now!
The next day she saw the parrot and it said to her, yet again, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue them and kill that damned bird...
The store manager said, "I am so sorry, ma'am," and promised the parrot wouldn't say it again.
The next day, the lady walked past the store after work and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady..."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The parrot said, "You know."
Subject: GETTING IT STRAIGHT. This man walks into the lumberyard and says he wants to buy some 4x2's. The salesman says "You mean 2x4's?" and the man tells him "let me go check." He comes back and says "yeah, they are 2x4's".
The salesman asks "how long do you want them?" The man says "I don't know, let me go check." He comes back and says "We need them for a long time, we are building a house."
Subject: The wonder of Aspirin. A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
Subject: Bart Simpson. Things Bart Simpson has had to write on the chalkboard as punishment:
I am not deliciously saucy
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate a revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade my pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
" " " " "
" " " " "
" " " " "
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off {Written in an Old English font}
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I am sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's [sic] lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's dead!" during roll call
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
Goldfish do not bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
Subject: Just one wish. (Note:- Tasmania, Queensland and Victoria are 3 states of Australia)
Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander and a Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it."I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.
The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Queenslander was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Queensland.
The Victorian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Victorian says, "Good fill it up with water."
Subject: The Guys. Johnny, Kurt and Jim (The Guys) are at the Saigon Passion strip joint.
The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a G-string.
Johnny (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her butt cheek.
Kurt (trying to show up Johnny) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other butt cheek.
Jim pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet.
Subject: Show And Tell. In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says "There!"
Subject: The Value of a Mistress. An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
Subject: Company Policy Changes. As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for employees, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans and are paid less.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. Any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) program.
The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
The Management
Subject: Whose child is it? It had been many since the embarrassing day when a young woman, baby in arm, entered the butcher shop and confronted its owner with the news that the baby was his... and what was he going to do about it?
He had offered to give her free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.
The man had been counting off the years on his calendar until one day, the teenager, who had been coming in to collect the meat each week, boasted to the butcher, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile. "I've been waiting for this day for a long time. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get. Watch the expression on her face."
The boy took the meat home and told his mother what the butcher had said. Mother nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years... and watch the expression on HIS face!"
Subject: Let There Be Peace. A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Subject: British Police. Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe.
The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed.
Subject: It's True!!! Mathematical Proof of who will win the World Cup
--------------------------------------------------
Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.
Before that they won it in 1970.
Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.
Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.
Before that they won it in 1978.
Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.
Germany last won in 1990.
Before that they won in 1974.
Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.
Here's the scary part:
England last won the cup in 1966.
Add it to 1998.
IT EQUALS 3964!!!
Subject: Experience! A young lady was on her way home through the park one evening ,and decided she needed a rest.
So she lay down on a park bench nearby.
She was woken by a grottie old derelict standing over her .
He said to her , " How about you and me going into the bushes for a suck or two on me flagon and a bit of slap and tickle? "
She quickly replied " I'm not that type of girl ."
He said " Then what are you doing in my bed !!! "
Subject: Quickies. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
************
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until they talk.
************
A guy walks into a Greeting Card Shop, and asks,
"Can you tell me where you keep those blank cards? I need one for somebody I'm not talking to."
Subject: Coming home. Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a man/woman who'll give you love, affection, tenderness and understanding?
A. It means you're in the wrong house.
Subject: Beer Quotes. You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline
It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
Subject: INDEPENDENCE DAY. Exactly what did occur on July 4, 1776?
a. Strom Thurmond graduated from high school.
b. The Whitewater investigation began.
c. The movie "Independence Day" opened in Philadelphia.
Why the animosity between us and the British?
a. They forced the game of cricket on us. (Cricket being baseball on Quaaludes.)
b. After we had sold them tons of tobacco, they read the Surgeon General's report.
Why did the colonists sigh the Declaration of Independence on the Fourth of July?
a. It was a holiday, and there was very little traffic.
b. The Phillies were on a road trip.
Were they in favor of capital punishment?
a. By all means. Especially for smart -- newspaper writers who trivialize history.
Subject: Working class rankings. When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
CONCLUSION: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
Subject: The Sahara. Moshe heard there was an opening at a lumber camp for an experienced logger. So he went and applied. The foreman took one look at him and laughed. "You, such a little guy, how could you have experience as a logger?" he asked.
"Test me" challenged Moshe. So the foreman took him out to a stand of old trees and said, "Level this area in an hour and you are hired!"
Ten minutes later, Moshe appeared at the office and stated, "I'm done!"
The foreman smirked, "Quit, did you?" "No," replied Moshe, "I'm done!"
The man looked out the door and saw that the trees were down, perfectly felled. "Where did you ever learn to do that?" he inquired.
Moshe drew himself up to his full height of 5'2" and stated, "In the Sahara Forest!"
"Hah! Gotcha there! The Sahara is a DESERT!"
"Sure," Moshe replied, "NOW!!"
Subject: My name is Elizabeth. There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth. so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
" My name's Mario, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
Subject: Rain. A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."
12 Tips from Junior Employees to Senior Managers on how to Enhance the Relationship:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
Subject: Confusing. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Subject: Do It Yourself. It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas. Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself.
I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches. When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day.
She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did. It said, . . . "For best results, put on two coats."
Subject: Mad Martin. Once upon a time, this guy named Benny decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-- not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)
So, Benny found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim off the receipts. He told Benny that he (Benny) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."
Benny was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Benny listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.
Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Benny. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Benny just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Benny looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Benny had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here till I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Benny saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here tail I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Benny, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"
Benny managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?"
To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here-- Mad Martin's coming!"
I was the best man at the wedding.
If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
-- Jerry Seinfeld
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word --
if only she'd get to it.
-- Henny Youngman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My parents stayed together for forty years,
but that was out of spite.
-- Woody Allen
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-- Anonymous
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits,
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
-- Barbra Streisand
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I told someone I was getting married,
and they said "Have you picked a date yet?"
I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!?"
"What a country! "
-- Yakov Smirnoff
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says,
"You're only interested in one thing,"
and you can't remember what it is.
-- Milton Berle
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
-- Henny Youngman
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
*****************************************
Subject: The Chase. A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"
Subject: The metric system. Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to our old cliches. ;-)
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
Subject: School trip. A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.
Subject: Download. Rather than send everyone an attachment file, of 'Amaze your friends!' & 'Death by Internet!' it is ready at:
downloads.htm - check it out!
Subject: A leisure weekend. Two men are talking at work Monday morning.
"What did you do this weekend?"
"Dropped hooks into water."
"Fishing, eh?"
"No, golfing."
Subject: Female Quote of the Day. "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
Subject: Male quote of the day. "Women are like horses. But for their men putting halters on them and taking them in the right direction, they will run wild!"
Subject: Mmmm. A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Subject: Things never to say to a man with a small penis.
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a night crawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorna Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
71. Never mind, why bother.
Subject: Ethnic stereotypes. God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he
answered. "We'll take ten of them!"
Subject: Eight Levels of Joy. o Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate.
o You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream.
o Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there.
o You bought Amazon.com 2 years ago -- and held it.
o Steven Speilberg calls your boss looking for you.
o You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank.
o Your child calls from college just to say hi.
o The IRS loses your name.
Subject: Sydney by an expert. You Know You live In Sydney, when...
* Co-workers tell you they have 8 body piercings each but not one can be seen.
* You make over $100,000 per year and still can't afford a house.
* You never bother looking at the train schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
* You've been to more than 1 baby shower that has no father, 2 mothers and a sperm donor.
* You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
* You catch a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
* A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps... You don't notice.
* A woman walks on bus with live poultry... You don't notice.
* A really great parking space can move you to tears.
* You can't remember... is dope illegal?
* Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, the friends you tell this to still need to ask whether the teacher's male or female.
* You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
* You haven't been to Darling Harbor since it first opened and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Sydney Tower if your life depended on it.
* You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be from the North Shore.
* You'd rather be at the Sydney gay & lesbian Mardi-Gras than the Year 2000 Olympics.
* Your neighbor is actually in the Mardi-Gras.
* You keep a list of companies to boycott.
* Your favorite movie is some french sub-titled film you 1st saw at the DENDY Cinema and a few months later on SBS....Your friends have never heard of it.
* Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Avon Lady is a guy in drag.
Subject: Phrases. Here's a list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone
(on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the baseball games, etc)
Yeah, I really miss my wife - but at least I have her skin to remember her by
Have you ever tried cat meat?
I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me
Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth
The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me
My butt really itches !
My psychiatrist says flying helps offset my desire to mutilate woodland creatures
Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore
Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?
Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not
This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary
Oh damn, my diaper's wet again !
If I go unconscious, stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up
Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off
Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me !
I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck
I collect aluminum foil
If me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?
Subject: Urine. A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details. To emphasize his point, he announced: "This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers."
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case."
The bottle made its way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown. Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying, "Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my index finger in the bottle but my middle finger into my mouth!"
Subject: Windows 98. Windows 98 was released. It has some really nifty features - like, you can send your money directly into Bill Gates' bank account.
Subject: TV aerials. Two TV aerials met on a rooftop, fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was awful, but the reception was excellent.
Subject: El Nino. El Nino is being blamed for an increase in spiders. There are so many, in fact, it's been difficult for many spiders to find a Web site.
Subject: IRA. A Texas Aggie joined the IRA (Irish Republican Army), and his first assignment was to blow up a bus.
He almost succeeded but burned his mouth on the tailpipe.
Subject: Earl Spencer. Princess Diana's brother, Earl Spencer - who condemned the press for capitalizing on his sisters death - opened a Diana museum on his estate and is charging $15 for admission. No word yet on when he plans to market a Diana action figure.
Subject: Katie Couric. Katie Couric has signed a $7 million a year deal to stay on "Today".
Something to think about for those of you who say, "You couldn't pay me enough to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning."
Subject: Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor may star in a movie called "The Visit". It's always a good marketing ploy to put Liz in a movie. Even if only her husbands show up, you're guaranteed a good opening weekend.
Subject: A new nail polish. There is a new nail polish that changes colors as your mood changes. The darker the color, the worse your mood is. This is a godsend for guys. No more asking the wife if there is something wrong. You walk in the house, you see that black nail polish, get the heck outta there!
Subject: Pregnancy prevention. A Los Angeles clinic reported excellent results from a pregnancy prevention study begun in 1993 that was targeted at men. So far, this program has been 100% effective - in five years, not one man became pregnant!
Subject: New York's water. According to a new survey, New York's water was chosen as the second best drinking water in the country. Of course, the most popular water in the country still comes from Cindy Crawford's bathtub.
Subject: Fruit flies. Scientists announced that fruit flies implanted with certain human genes live up to 40% longer. Is this really a problem, fruit flies not living long enough? Do we really need older fruit flies?
Subject: Download. Rather than send everyone an attachment file,
of 'Watch your Cdrom' and 'A problem resolution tool'
it is ready at: downloads.htm - check it out!
Subject: A Blessing. Here's an old Irish blessing:
May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts.
And if God can't turn their hearts, let Him turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
Subject: Hotter than He--!! Farmer Joe dies and goes to Hell. The Devil is standing at the gates, greeting all who come through. As he is greeted by the Devil, Farmer Joe says, "I'm from Missouri, and the heat don't bother me!"
Understandably, the Devil is a little put out by this, so he raises the heat a little in that corner of Hell. On his daily rounds, he stops by Farmer Joe and says, "Well, now, how do you like this?"
Farmer Joe replies, "I'm from Missouri, and the heat don't bother me!"
The Devil takes this as a challenge, and turns the heat all the way up. People are screaming and moaning, and things are spontaneously bursting into flame all over Hell. He stops by Farmer Joe and says, "NOW how do you like it?"
Farmer Joe replies, "I'm from Missouri, and the heat don't bother me!"
By this time the Devil is just flaming mad! So, he turns the heat all the way off. It's pitch black, ice cold, so cold that his breath freezes as Farmer Joe breathes, forming an ice block that drops to the ground and shatters. The Devil asks, "NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?!?!?"
Farmer Joe starts jumping up and down, whooping and hollering, dancing around, and just generally creating a ruckus.
"What in the Hell is wrong with you?" asked the Devil.
Farmer Joe replies, "Hell froze over!!! The Chiefs must have won the Superbowl!!!"
Subject: The Olympics. Three guys, one Chinese, one French, and one Mexican wanted to watch the Olympics but didn't have any money to buy tickets. The Chinese guy suddenly gets an idea and went home to fetch his bicycle.
He rode up to the security guard at the gate and yells, "China, bicycling.! Hurry, let me in, I'm late!" The guard, not wanting to jeopardize his job, lets the Chinese guy through.
Seeing that this idea worked, the French guy runs home and grabs a long pole and runs back to the security guard and yells, "France, pole vaulting! Let me in, I'm late!" The security guard lets the French guy through.
Seeing how great their ideas were, the Mexican runs home and grabs a chain link fence, wraps the fence around his body and hops up to the security guard and yells, "Mexico, fencing!"
Subject: Morals. A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy".
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story :
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Subject: Golfing. One day, a known duffer at the country club challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit, you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were greatly amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!'"
"Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
Subject: I needed a pencil. I needed a pencil and paper to keep track of this.
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter, Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law, and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father, Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became, A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become, The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
Subject: World experience. So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention.
"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.
"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.
"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan...you're a member of the Irish Republican Army."
"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.
"You blew up that pub in London!"
"Yeh."
"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland."
"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.
St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here!"
"Let me in, Hell!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out!"
Subject: Servicemen. Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Subject: Today's woman. Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a "real" man.
Subject: Make $$$$ Fast! Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times.
Subject: GM drives back. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine."
Subject: Hell. A Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room.
It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow
job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the
shoulder and says "Okay, stop now you've been relieved."
Subject: Life After Death. "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine... " the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Subject: A job interview. Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Subject: Executive Stress Relief. Magic trick follow directions
DO THIS BY THE RULES...
Try this and you will be amazed! Don't look ahead! Just do it step by step
SLOWLY.
.
.
.
.
.
.
****************************************************************
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD.Read this message ONE LINE AT A
TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did.
If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.
*******************************************************************
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1) pick a number from 1-9
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
2) subtract 5
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3) multiply by 3
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
4) square the number (multiply by the same number - not a square root)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
5) add the digits until you get only one digit i.e. 64 = 6 + 4 = 10 = 1 + 0 = 1)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
7) multiply by 2
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
8) subtract 6
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet: 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
12) think of the color of that mammal
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(keep scrolling)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
********************************************************************
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE
********************************************************************
Subject: HOW TO PUT OUT A FIRE. A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms.
The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.
The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, dilemmas, hypotheses, you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have proven that I can put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep.
Subject: New Math. Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100.
Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M".
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following Question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.
Your assignment: underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100.
How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers.
The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back.
The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour.
Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback.
Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Suggested addition: Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects.
What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
Subject: Downloads. Rather than send everyone an attachment file, they are ready at:
downloads.htm - check it out!
There are 6 new ones:
Play roulette
Battle for Saturn
A pile of Jokes
Pretty Pictures
Fly on Mars
Have your own Gun
Subject: Policeman. A man was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman.
Walking up to the car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
The man replies, "Thank God for that - I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
Subject: Test for intelligence. The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the world's best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, and they make no apologies. The outlaw had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Meanwhile, two MOSSAD agents look on from a small campsite, where they are eating rabbit for dinner.
Subject: Cheap Perfume. After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Subject: Can I have a day off? Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
Subject: Pauline. Pauline Hanson's fish and chip shop had a mouse problem. She called a couple of pest exterminators for quotes to get rid of them - but the quotes came in at several thousand dollars - which she thought was too expensive.
A bloke walked into the shop one day and said "Pauline - I can get rid of the mice for you - but it'll cost you $50."
Pauline thought this was a bit of a bargain - so she took up the offer.
The next day, the guy turned up there with a flute... started playing it - and amazingly - the mice came from nowhere - straight to him... out the door he went... and the mice followed... off they went - down the road, over the hill - and down to the river - where upon the mice all jumped into the river and drowned.
The guy came back to the shop to collect his $50. Pauline was just thrilled - gave him his money and said "that was just amazing... can you play a didgeridoo?".
Subject: Little girl. A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother responded "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too as you grow up."
The girl still wanting to know abut her mother fired off another question. "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a peak at your mother's driver's license. It tells you everything, just like a report card from school."
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 35 years old."
The mother very shocked says, "Sweetheart, how did you know that?" The little girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 134 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got divorced. Because you got an "F" in sex."
Subject: The monastery. The monastery out in Wessex was having a bit of a hard time with its cash flow, because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work of the group.
Brother Andrew and Brother Patrick suggested opening up a Fish & Chips stand down on the motor way, right next to the scenic vista area so popular with tourists.
The venture was going well, and one day a tourist asked the monk on duty, "Are you the fish friar?"
"No, sir," retorted the brother, "I'm the chip monk."
Subject: A LIST OF WAYS TO GET EVEN. Examples:
GARAGE SALE: Place an add in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6 a.m. Come early!
X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped-inspected by airport security officials. This one will make your sides hurt from laughter, if present during the inspection. Good for both male and female victims.
LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house, etc) Place victim's name, phone number and $50 reward... if found and returned. Drop the keys in one of the least desirable areas of town.
PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually orientated solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping enquiries.
DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner wakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.
FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page one to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you.
Subject: 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The other two agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES!!! I WIN!".
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice."
Subject: Bill. Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear
hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or two, I fuck you in the ass."
Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or I fuck you in the ass."
Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
Subject: Three nuns. Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them at the gates of heaven and as they walk up he says "In order for you to get into heaven, you each have to answer one question." The nuns say ok and the first nun walks up.
St. Peter says "Who was the first man on Earth?"
The nun thinks for a little bit and finally says "that's easy, Adam."
Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
The second nun walks up and St. Peter says "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
The nun thinks for a little bit and says "That's easy, Eve."
Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
The third nun walks up and St. Peter says "Ok, what were the last words Eve said to Adam before Adam left the Garden of Eden?"
The nun, not having the slightest idea, thought for a long time and finally said "Boy, that's a hard one."
Bells ring, angels sing, doors fly open, nun walks in.
Subject: God Created Canada. On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth"
"But Lord" asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really" replied God "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."
Subject: Beware - new viruses. Here's a list of "new" viruses - be careful
Disney virus... Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus... Quits after one byte
Prozac virus... Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Lorena Bobbit virus... Turns your hard disk into a 3.5inch floppy.
Woody Allen virus... Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Saddam Hussein virus... Won't let you into any of your programs.
Spice Girl's virus... Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus... Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus... Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Subject: The test. A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice...
"How much do you want it to be?"... He got the job.
Subject: I wonder where it went. Three soldiers had just been released from the Army.
To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town.
The first soldier was eating a banana.
"Hmmm... I wonder... if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?" The other two soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. they watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land.
The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out of the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened.
The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it.
"NOW we'll see this land." The soldiers watched again... nothing happened.
After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked.
"Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came our from no where."
The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. "What's the matter, Son?" "Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head." The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home. "I wonder what happened with the grenade," said one soldier.
"Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. "Ma'am... what's so funny?"
The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up."
Subject: Barbie Doll. A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New York says to the assistant " Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?" She says "certainly sir, here we have fashion Barbie @$15.95, Vacation Barbie @ $15.95, housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and divorcee Barbie @$215.95!"
The guy asks in astonishment "Why is divorcee Barbie so much?... she looks the same to me.
To which the assistant replies "Well sir,divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house and Ken's money"
Subject: Bet. Guy's been hanging out in the bar all night winning sucker bets.
Seems he can't lose and the bartender's getting annoyed.
Finally the guy comes up to him and says, "I got a bet for you".
Points up at an empty light fixture on the big old chandelier way up on the ceiling, easily 15 feet away, says "I'll bet you fifty bucks I can piss in that light fixture from here."
The bartender sees his chance and grabs the bet.
The guy whips it out, aims up and starts pissing. He doesn't make it more than six feet up, and no matter where he stands and no matter where he aims, he doesn't stand a chance.
"Ha ha!" roars the bartender, "pay up!!!" He grabs the fifty and says to the guy... "so what happened? You were winning sucker bets all night... why did you make this one?"
Guy says, "See that guy over there? Well, I bet him a hundred bucks that I could whip it out and piss ALL OVER your bar, and all you would do is laugh!"
Subject: Convince me. "I haven't sold one tractor all month", a tractor salesman tells his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem", his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when it's tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some rope and tied it's tail up to the rafters.
Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with it's right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie it's right leg to one of the pillars.
I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with it's left hind leg, so I tie it's left leg to another pillar.
Then my wife comes walking in, and I'll tell ya... if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya".
Subject: Discipline. A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
Subject: A Classic. The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene...
Subject: Morris the Clone. Morris Spielberg, from Arizona, unrelated to the famous movie mogul, had himself cloned after considerable consideration of the social, ethical, and spiritual implications.
To get acquainted, Morris and his clone hiked into the woods, talking as they walked - but the clone, as it turned out, had an incredibly foul mouth.
He cussed, cursed and swore nonstop, until finally, just to shut him up, the original Morris shoved the clone off a cliff.
Soon afterward, Morris was arrested. The charge?
Making an obscene clone fall!
Subject: For Sale. FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
Subject: How many do you remember? Start counting...
1. Candy cigarettes
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles.
4. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes.
5. Blackjack chewing gum.
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P. F. Flyers.
10. Butch Wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Diamond - 5505)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM Records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal Ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork pop guns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0 - 5 You're still young
If you remembered 6 - 10 You are getting older
If you remembered 16 - 25 You're older than dirt!!
Subject: You're Invited. FROM: Ms.Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our principal dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE:Ms. Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays
Subject: One up man ship. On the first day God created the sun - so the Devil countered and created sunburn.
On the second day God created sex.
In response the Devil created marriage.
On the third day God created an economist.
This was a tough one for the Devil, but in the end and after a lot of thought he created a second economist.
Subject: Mistakes. On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."
Subject: Jury Duty. A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving.
He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot.
As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.
I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said,
"He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty."
So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer."
Subscribe to Harry's FREE REGULAR OR JEWISH jokes via email here.
Excuses.
Top