 Excuses.
Help My Wife.
Too Much of the 2000's.
24 Hour Service.
The Letter.
The Present.
Mood Ring.
Day off.
Hoover Dam.
Paper.
Umbrella.
Moving.
One Month.
Pot Roast.
The Prescription.
Outta paper.
A Noise.
Casual.
The Long Line.
Helping Hand.
Cookies.
Getting up late.
Makes Sense To Me.
Fire fighters.
Second Opinion.
A small drugstore.
There was this lady.
A Briton, Frenchman & Russian.
"Toddler Property Laws"
Male version of a blonde joke?
Oil is Greasy.
Kids.
That thing.
The question.
Top 16 Things Not To Say.
Chinese dictionary.
A Missionary Story.
Bald eagle.
Priest & Nun.
Quickie.
Spelling & Pronunciation.
Different Father.
A texan rancher in Australia.
Golf.
The Hijacker.
The big deep hole.
Those Are the Breaks.
A parrot.
Getting it straight.
The wonder of Aspirin
Bart Simpson.
Just one wish.
The Guys.
Show & Tell.
The Value of a Mistress.
Company Policy Changes.
Whose child is it?
Let There Be Peace.
British Police.
It's True!!!
Experience!
Quickies.
Coming home.
Beer Quotes.
Independence Day.
Working class rankings.
The Sahara.
My name is Elizabeth.
Rain.
Dear Boss.
Confusing.
Do It Yourself.
Mad Martin.
Marriage.
The Chase.
The metric system.
School trip.
Download.
Signs of the Times.
A leisure weekend.
Female Quote of the Day.
Male quote of the day.
Mmmm.
350,000 laws.
Things never to say.
Try Something New!
Cute bumper sticker.
Ethnic stereotypes.
Eight Levels of Joy.
Sydney by an expert.
Phrases.
Urine.
Windows 98.
TV aerials.
El Nino.
IRA.
Understanding.
Being married.
Earl Spencer.
Katie Couric.
Elizabeth Taylor.
A new nail polish.
Pregnancy prevention.
New York's water.
Fruit flies.
Survey.
Download.
A Blessing.
Hotter than He--!!
The Olympics.
Morals.
Golfing.
I needed a pencil.
World experience.
Things men know about women.
Servicemen.
Today's woman.
Make $$$$ Fast!
GM drives back.
Hell.
Life After Death.
A job interview.
Executive Stress Relief.
How to put out a fire.
New Math.
Downloads.
Policeman.
Test for intelligence.
Cheap Perfume.
Can I have a day off?
Pauline.
Little girl.
The monastery.
List of ways to get even.
8:00 AM at a gambling casino.
Bill.
Thought for the week.
Three nuns.
God Created Canada.
Beware - new viruses.
My Salary.
The test.
I wonder where it went.
Barbie Doll.
Bet.
Convince me.
Discipline.
A Classic.
Morris the Clone.
For Sale.
How many do you remember?
You're Invited.
One up man ship.
Spell Chequer.
Mistakes.
Jury Duty.
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 Top
Subject: Excuses.
A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.
On the first tee, the golfer missed his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.
The man turned to his caddie and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
To which the caddie replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Top
Subject: Help My Wife.
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
Top
Subject: Too Much of the 2000's.
25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 2000's
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone #'s, to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver!
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase, is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized, is multicolored Post-It notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 4 AM, to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
Top
Subject: 24 Hour Service.
A traveling salesman was passing through a rural town in Vermont and decided to take a little time out in order to have some clothes cleaned in a hurry. The town only had three streets so he was able to quickly locate a shop with a sign that read, "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service".
After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"I do, son," the proprietor said. "But I only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday... eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
Top
Subject: The Letter.
When Kevin came home, his wife, Liz, was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," Liz sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Kevin asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Liz, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"
Top
Subject: The Present.
Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
Top
Subject: Mood Ring.
I bought April one of those mood rings the other day.
When she's in a good mood, it turns green.
When she's in a *normal* (bad) mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Top
Subject: Day off.
A worker asked his boss for the day off.
The boss looked at him for a moment then said;
Look, there are 365 days in a year and you already have 2 days off each weekend, so that leaves 251 days for work.
But you spend 16 hours each day away from work and that uses up 170 days, leaving 81 days, you spend at least 30 minutes a day on tea breaks and that adds up to 23 days a year, leaving 68 days. A one hour lunch break tots up to another 46 days leaving 22 days.
You usually have 2 sickies a year, which leaves you with 20 days for work. But there are 5 public holidays every year, so your working time is down to 15 days. And of that 15 days, 14 is taken up by your annual vacation.
So you're left with one day for work. This is it, and I'm dammed if I'm going to let you take it off.
Top
Subject: Hoover Dam.
"No, I didn't actually build it," said the beaver to the rabbit as they stared up at the immense bulk of Hoover Dam, "but it's based on an idea of mine."
Top
Subject: Paper.
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband shrugged, "So, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
Top
Subject: Umbrella.
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"
Top
Subject: Moving.
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."
"Try heaven," said the caddy.
"You've already moved most of the earth."
Top
Subject: One Month.
A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
Top
Subject: Pot Roast.
Mr. and Mrs. Steinfeld are asleep in their beds late one night, when Mrs. Steinfeld hears a noise downstairs.
"Wake up!" cried Mrs. Steinfeld, nudging her husband. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight!"
"What do we care," said Mr. Steinfeld. "As long as they don't die in the house!"
Top
Subject: The Prescription.
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor.
After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.
The man asked, "How often do I take these."
"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you." replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
Top
Subject: Outta paper.
Bubba was never none too swift.
He was printing-out reports at a PC and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost outta paper. Watta I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, Bubba took his last remaining blank piece of paper from the printer tray, put it on the photocopier, and proceeded to make fifty blank copies.
Top
Subject: A Noise.
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Top
Subject: Casual.
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, a young woman trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man shrugged, "Yeah, well, that's one benefit of owning the company."
Top
Subject: The Long Line.
Waiting in a long, slow-moving line for security clearance at the Edmonton International Airport in Canada, I was annoyed to hear a loud male voice behind me. "Excuse me, excuse me," said the man as he pushed his way to the front. "I want to make sure I get a good seat."
I resolved not to let this line-jumper get ahead of me. When I felt a tap on my shoulder, I whirled around, prepared to give the man a tongue-lashing - but found myself face to face with a smiling pilot.
Top
Subject: Helping Hand.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home," said the director. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Top
Subject: Cookies.
A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with a booty of brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, this box of cookies has one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.
Top
Subject: Getting up late.
Pete had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Pete went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Pete slept well and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Top
Subject: Makes Sense To Me.
An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"
"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"
Top
Subject: Fire fighters.
A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
Top
Subject: Second Opinion.
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."
Top
Subject: A small drugstore.
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning John sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Top
Subject: There was this lady.
There was this lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.
He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
Top
Subject: A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Top
Subject: "Toddler Property Laws".
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I. . .Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' primary Business Plan.
Top
Subject: Is this the male version of a blonde joke?
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred lousy dollars!"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Top
Subject: Oil is Greasy.
There was an Arab Oil Sheik with three sons. As the oldest son neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked the boy what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like an airplane." He replied. So the Sheik bought him Boeing.
As the next son neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a car." He replied. So the Sheik bought him a Rolls Royce.
As the third son, a boy of simple pleasures, neared 21 years of age, the Sheik asked him what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a Mickey Mouse outfit, Dad." He replied.
So the Sheik bought him Telecom.
Top
Subject: Kids.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons
There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. Mona Crane
I owe a lot to my parents - especially my mother and father. Greg Norman
Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now . Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills - while you still know everything. John Hinde
My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter Scale. Les Dawson
Top
Subject: That thing.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet?
That thing hurts.
Top
Subject: The question.
There is a terrible car crash on the New Jersey Turnpike and three men are killed, an Italian, a Spaniard and an Israeli. Before entering through the Pearly Gates, they must answer the same question: If you could hear what people say about you as they pass your casket, what is the single thing you would most like to hear?
The Italian says, "He was a wonderful architect, a genius, and a fine husband and father."
The Spaniard answers, "He was a great surgeon and a wonderful family man. He was loved by all who knew him. Humanity has suffered a great loss."
The Israeli, having listened quietly to the other two answers, thinks for a moment and replies, "I would really like to hear them say. 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!'".
Top
Subject: Top 16 Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife.
16- "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15- "You know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
14- "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13- "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12- "Damn, if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit, from that Richard Simmons fella."
11- "Fred, at the office, passed a stone the size of a pea! Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10- "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9- "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8- "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7- "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
6- "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5- "Got milk?"
4- "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3- "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2- "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water!"
...and the # 1 'Fatal Thing' to say to your pregnant wife is...
1- "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lard Ass!"
Top
Subject: CHINESE DICTIONARY.
Dung On Mai Shu------------I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu---------Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne--------------I bumped into the coffee table
Fat Ho----------------------An unattractive woman
Ar U Wun Tu-----------------A gay liberation greeting
Shin Tu Fat-----------------You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong-------------Blow me
Dum Gai---------------------A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai----------------Is that a banana in your pocket?
Won Hung Low--------------Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
Gun Pao Der-----------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung---------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding--------------We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun---------------A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia---------------------Approach me
Lao Ze Sho------------------Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi----------------------Not very good
Lin Ching-------------------An illegal execution
Ne Ahn----------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai-------------------- A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be------------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne--------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba----------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung-------------A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan--------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah---------------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim------------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting----------There is no reason to raise your voice
Top
Subject: A Missionary Story.
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.
He points to a tree and tells the chief, "this is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "this is a rock." At which the chief looks and grunts, "rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so... how could he kill these people.
The chief replied, "my bike."
Top
Subject: BALD EAGLE.
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
MAN: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
JUDGE: "Proceed."
MAN: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."
15 minutes elapse, and the judge returns.
JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
MAN: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
Top
Subject: PRIEST & NUN.
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:
He: " Sister, I want to show you something."
She: " What is it, Father?
He: " Come into my private room & close the blinds."
She: " WHAT?!"
He: " I said..."
She: " I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
He: " Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
He: " Here, sit on the bed beside me."
She: " I have to get out of here. "
He: " Aren't you the least bit curious? "
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
He: " Get under the covers. "
She: " WHAT?????!!!!! " The nun was really freaking out.
He: " It doesn't work otherwise! " says the priest.
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He: "Come closer," whispers the priest.
Nervously, she does get closer.
He: "See," the priest whispers gleefully, " my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"
Top
Subject: Quickie.
Q: What's the difference between an extended partition containing two logical drives, and a politician?
A: You don't need Windows 95 to corrupt the politician.
Top
Subject: Spelling and Pronunciation.
A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
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Subject: Different Father.
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
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Subject: A TEXAN RANCHER IN AUSTRALIA.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Top
Subject: Golf.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in h*** of hitting her from here!"
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Subject: The Hijacker.
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said,"Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blow jobs."
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Subject: The big deep hole.
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow... that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey... over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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Subject: Those Are the Breaks.
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!'
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, 'Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
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Subject: Walking to work.
A lady was walking to work and she saw a parrot in a cage in front of the pet store.
The parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot who once again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, she was incredibly ticked now!
The next day she saw the parrot and it said to her, yet again, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue them and kill that damned bird...
The store manager said, "I am so sorry, ma'am," and promised the parrot wouldn't say it again.
The next day, the lady walked past the store after work and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady..."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The parrot said, "You know."
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Subject: GETTING IT STRAIGHT.
This man walks into the lumberyard and says he wants to buy some 4x2's. The salesman says "You mean 2x4's?" and the man tells him "let me go check." He comes back and says "yeah, they are 2x4's".
The salesman asks "how long do you want them?" The man says "I don't know, let me go check." He comes back and says "We need them for a long time, we are building a house."
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Subject: The wonder of Aspirin.
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
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Subject: Bart Simpson.
Things Bart Simpson has had to write on the chalkboard as punishment:
I am not deliciously saucy
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate a revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade my pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
" " " " "
" " " " "
" " " " "
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off {Written in an Old English font}
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I am sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's [sic] lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's dead!" during roll call
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
Goldfish do not bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
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Subject: Just one wish.
(Note:- Tasmania, Queensland and Victoria are 3 states of Australia)
Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander and a Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it."I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.
The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Queenslander was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie southerner can tell us what to do. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Queensland.
The Victorian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The Victorian says, "Good fill it up with water."
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Subject: The Guys.
Johnny, Kurt and Jim (The Guys) are at the Saigon Passion strip joint.
The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a G-string.
Johnny (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her butt cheek.
Kurt (trying to show up Johnny) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other butt cheek.
Jim pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet.
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Subject: Show And Tell.
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says "There!"
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Subject: The Value of a Mistress.
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.
An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
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Subject: Company Policy Changes.
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for employees, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.
Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans and are paid less.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. Any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.
Management wishes to assure younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.) program.
The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
The Management
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Subject: Whose child is it?
It had been many since the embarrassing day when a young woman, baby in arm, entered the butcher shop and confronted its owner with the news that the baby was his... and what was he going to do about it?
He had offered to give her free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.
The man had been counting off the years on his calendar until one day, the teenager, who had been coming in to collect the meat each week, boasted to the butcher, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile. "I've been waiting for this day for a long time. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get. Watch the expression on her face."
The boy took the meat home and told his mother what the butcher had said. Mother nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years... and watch the expression on HIS face!"
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Subject: Let There Be Peace.
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
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Subject: British Police.
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe.
The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed.
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Subject: It's True!!!
Mathematical Proof of who will win the World Cup
--------------------------------------------------
Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.
Before that they won it in 1970.
Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.
Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.
Before that they won it in 1978.
Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.
Germany last won in 1990.
Before that they won in 1974.
Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.
Here's the scary part:
England last won the cup in 1966.
Add it to 1998.
IT EQUALS 3964!!!
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Subject: Experience!
A young lady was on her way home through the park one evening ,and decided she needed a rest.
So she lay down on a park bench nearby.
She was woken by a grottie old derelict standing over her .
He said to her , " How about you and me going into the bushes for a suck or two on me flagon and a bit of slap and tickle? "
She quickly replied " I'm not that type of girl ."
He said " Then what are you doing in my bed !!! "
Top
Subject: Quickies.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
************
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until they talk.
************
A guy walks into a Greeting Card Shop, and asks,
"Can you tell me where you keep those blank cards? I need one for somebody I'm not talking to."
Top
Subject: Coming home.
Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a man/woman who'll give you love, affection, tenderness and understanding?
A. It means you're in the wrong house.
Top
Subject: Beer Quotes.
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline
It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee alot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Welhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. --Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
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Subject: INDEPENDENCE DAY.
Exactly what did occur on July 4, 1776?
a. Strom Thurmond graduated from high school.
b. The Whitewater investigation began.
c. The movie "Independence Day" opened in Philadelphia.
Why the animosity between us and the British?
a. They forced the game of cricket on us. (Cricket being baseball on Quaaludes.)
b. After we had sold them tons of tobacco, they read the Surgeon General's report.
Why did the colonists sigh the Declaration of Independence on the Fourth of July?
a. It was a holiday, and there was very little traffic.
b. The Phillies were on a road trip.
Were they in favor of capital punishment?
a. By all means. Especially for smart -- newspaper writers who trivialize history.
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Subject: Working class rankings.
When Blue Collar workers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.
Top management discusses golf.
CONCLUSION: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
Top
Subject: The Sahara.
Moshe heard there was an opening at a lumber camp for an experienced logger. So he went and applied. The foreman took one look at him and laughed. "You, such a little guy, how could you have experience as a logger?" he asked.
"Test me" challenged Moshe. So the foreman took him out to a stand of old trees and said, "Level this area in an hour and you are hired!"
Ten minutes later, Moshe appeared at the office and stated, "I'm done!"
The foreman smirked, "Quit, did you?" "No," replied Moshe, "I'm done!"
The man looked out the door and saw that the trees were down, perfectly felled. "Where did you ever learn to do that?" he inquired.
Moshe drew himself up to his full height of 5'2" and stated, "In the Sahara Forest!"
"Hah! Gotcha there! The Sahara is a DESERT!"
"Sure," Moshe replied, "NOW!!"
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Subject: My name is Elizabeth.
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth. so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
" My name's Mario, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
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Subject: Rain.
A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."
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Subject: Dear Boss.
12 Tips from Junior Employees to Senior Managers on how to Enhance the Relationship:
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
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Subject: Confusing.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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Subject: Do It Yourself.
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas. Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself.
I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches. When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day.
She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did. It said, . . . "For best results, put on two coats."
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Subject: Mad Martin.
Once upon a time, this guy named Benny decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with Indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-- not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)
So, Benny found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim off the receipts. He told Benny that he (Benny) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."
Benny was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Benny listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.
Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Benny. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Benny just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.
He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Benny looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Benny had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here till I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Benny saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here tail I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.
Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Benny, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?"
Benny managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?"
To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here-- Mad Martin's coming!"
Top
Subject: Marriage.
I was the best man at the wedding.
If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
-- Jerry Seinfeld
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I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
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I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word --
if only she'd get to it.
-- Henny Youngman
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My parents stayed together for forty years,
but that was out of spite.
-- Woody Allen
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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-- Anonymous
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Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits,
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
-- Barbra Streisand
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I told someone I was getting married,
and they said "Have you picked a date yet?"
I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!?"
"What a country! "
-- Yakov Smirnoff
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says,
"You're only interested in one thing,"
and you can't remember what it is.
-- Milton Berle
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I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
-- Henny Youngman
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
*****************************************
Top
Subject: The Chase.
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to give her back to me!"
Top
Subject: The metric system.
Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to our old cliches. ;-)
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
Top
Subject: School trip.
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.
Top
Subject: Download.
Rather than send everyone an attachment file, of 'Amaze your friends!' & 'Death by Internet!' it is ready at:
downloads.htm - check it out!
Top
Subject: Signs of the Times.
SIGN ON AN ELECTRICIAN'S TRUCK:
Let us remove your shorts
MATERNITY CLOTHES SHOP
We are open on labor day
ON MATERNITY ROOM DOOR:
'Push, Push, Push'
ON A FRONT DOOR:
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog
SCIENTIST'S DOOR:
Gone Fission
TAXIDERMIST WINDOW:
We really know our stuff
PODIATRIST'S WINDOW:
Time wounds all heels
BUTCHER'S WINDOW:
Let me meat your needs
USED CAR LOT:
Second Hand cars in first crash condition
SIGN ON FENCE:
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive'
CAR DEALERSHIP:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
MUFFLER SHOP:
No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming
NON-SMOKING AREA:
If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
Top
Subject: A leisure weekend.
Two men are talking at work Monday morning.
"What did you do this weekend?"
"Dropped hooks into water."
"Fishing, eh?"
"No, golfing."
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