Subject: Walking. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced,
"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Subject: The Fish. Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
Subject: Stress Kit. As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."
Subject: Speeding. A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DWI
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the blonde bitch who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun ?? ...there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: I said what ????
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet the lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding too!
Subject: Workplace. My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Subject: War Story. Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge -- and boy, do they know how to charge!"
Subject: The Ultimate List of Pickup Lines. 1. That shirt looks very becoming on you... of course if I were on you I'd be coming too.
2. If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me... Please?!
3. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
4. Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.
5. Is your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!
6. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
7. That dress looks nice...of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in the corner.
8. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.
9. Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.
10. Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up!
11. Would you like to have breakfast tomorrow? Should I nudge or call you?
12.(Check female's shirt tag)... Just as I thought, made in heaven.
13. Were your parents Greek gods? Because it takes two gods to make a goddess.
14. Pardon me Miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
15. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are... gorgeous!
16. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really,what time?
17. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
18. Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to?
19. My face is leaving in 10 minutes...are you gonna be on it or not?
20. Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't you name Gretchen?
21. Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
22. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
23. I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?
24. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in?
25. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you.
26. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
27. If you and I were squirrels, could I put a nut in your hole?
28. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? No, huh... so you want to go somewhere and talk?
29. That's a nice shirt... could I talk you out of it?
30.(Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help?
31. That dress looks great on you... as a matter of fact, so would I.
32. Hey baby, you wanna see something swell?
33. Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced nipples...
34. Are you religious? Cause I'm the answer to all your prayers.
35. I love every bone in your body... especially mine.
36.(With hands on shoulders) OH, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
37. Pardon me, are you in heat?
38. Are you OK? Because heaven's a long fall from here.
39. You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you and I together I'd get 69.
40. You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls.
41. You know the more I drink the prettier you get.
42. Can I borrow a quarter? Cause my mom told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
43. Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Or: Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
44. You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?
45. Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons!
46. Your face or mine?
47. Hey, here's the word for the day: LEGS. Whadya say we go upstairs and spread the word?
48. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven.
49. Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
50. Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
51. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
52. Hi, my name's ( ), how do you like me so far?
53. Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between the two of us.
54. Hey Baby! Wanna go get some pizza and screw? What you don't like pizza?
55. She: (to passing man) Do you have the time? Him: Do you have energy?
56. Bond. James Bond.
57. You know, I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone has already beat.
58. You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
60. Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse,etc.)and simply ask, "Are you ready to go home now?"
61. Walk up to a lady at a social gathering (party, club, etc.)and simply ask, "Are you ready to go home now?"
62. You know, I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
63. At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread and ask, "Wanna roll?"
64. You know, you've got the prettiest teeth I've ever dreamed of coming on
65. That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing.
66. Think you can dance in those shoes?
67. OK, you can stand next to me as long as you don't talk about the heat.
68. Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then grab your nuts and say,"Then suck this gem!"
69. You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign.
70. Why don't you surprise your roommate/parents and not go home tonight?
71. Good looking waitress pouring a drink: Say when.Guy: As soon as I'm done with my drink.
72. Lie down. I think I love you.
73. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
74. I can sense that you're a terrific lover and it intimidates me a little.
75. If I weren't so romantic, I'd shoot you.
76. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
77. My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your blouse in a public place.
78. Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never been to bed together?
79. I know a great way to burn off the calories from that pastry you just ate.
80. Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
81. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull you pockets inside out...) Would you like to?
83. Stand back, I'm a doctor! You go get the ambulance and I'll loosen her clothes.
84. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
85. I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
86. Hey baby, wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I guess your age and weight.
87. You: Tickle your ass with a feather? Her: What!? You: I said, "Particularly nice weather."
88. Hey baby, wanna play train conductor? OK, you sit on my face and I'll Chew Chew Chew. (choo!)
89. Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.
90. Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken leg? No??? Well, let's go on picnic and find out!
91. Oh, you're a bird watcher... (Whip out your unit and ask)Well, would you take this for a swallow?
92. Stand back, I'm a police officer! You go call for backup and I'll frisk her!
93. Do you have a library card? Good, cause I wanna check you out.
94. Your warm eyes melt the iciness of my heart.
95.(At church during a sermon) (put your arm around your gal) Honey, I don't know where he is (motioning at the preacher)but I do know I'm here with you.
96. Baby, you look better and better each day...and tonight, you look like tomorrow!
97. Here's a quarter...call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.
98. Hey baby you smell, let's take a shower together.
99. Baby, you with those curves and me with no brakes! Mmmmmm!
100.Hey baby, whatdya say we go behind that rock and get a little boulder.
101.I want to melt in your mouth not in your hands.
102.Can I borrow a quarter? (why?) Cuz I wanna call your mom and thank her.
103.You're so hot, you melt the plastic in my underwear.
104.Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want.
105.Let's go back to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
106.My name is _________. Just remember that, so you'll know what to scream.
107.Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
108.Can I flirt with you?
109.Your daddy must have been a baker, cuz you sure have a nice set of buns!
110.(Checking her shirt tag) Just making sure you were the right size!
111.(Grab her ass) Pardon me is this seat taken?
112.Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?
113.Can I have directions? (to where?) to your heart!
114.I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
115.So... how am I doin'?
116.How bout you and me go back to my place and get you out of those wet clothes.
117.(tapping your leg) You just think this is my leg?
118.You know what would look good on you? ME!
119.Excuse me, but I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?
120.Go up to a girl in a bar and slip your arm around her and say "Hi Kate!"She says "I'm not Kate!" and you say, as your hand slips a little lower, "But you sure feel like her!"
121.She: Gee, I really enjoyed myself tonight. He: Me too. Maybe we could let our bodies enjoy each other sometime.
122.Pardon me, I was just about to go home and masturbate, and I was wondering if you would mind if I fantasized about you?
123.I've had a pretty bad day, and it usually makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me?
124.Overheard in a computer lab: Just because computers are incompatible doesn't mean we are.
125.Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and exchange gravy?
126.Hey, didn't we go to different schools together?
127.You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
128.Would you like Gin and platonic, or would you prefer Scotch and sofa?
129.What's you favorite position on extramarital sex?
130.I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice back rub. Are the straps too tight, darling?How tragic. How very, very tragic.
131.Hello Susie, Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
132.Excuse me, do you live around here often?
133.I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
134.I've got an itch honey. Lower. Lower. In. Out.
135.I'm on fire baby, can I run through your sprinkler?
136.Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
137.I have only three months to live...
138.Hey baby, what's you sign? All you can eat?
139.Hi I'm Big Brother. And I've been watching you.
140.Where have you been all my life?
141.In the produce department: "How can you tell if these things are ripe?
142.Hey, weren't you Miss Virginia last year?
143.Don't worry about it. Nothing that you've ever done before counts. The only thing that matters is that we're together.
144.I know mild does a body good, but baby, how much have you been drinking?
145.Your daddy must be a drug dealer, cuz you're dope.
146.Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
147.If I follow you home will you keep me?
148.Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
149.Go up to a girl and tell her she has nice legs...then ask would she mind if you named them. She says OK and you say this one is Thanksgiving and that one is Christmas...would you mind if I visited between the holidays?
150.Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
151.Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
152.As she's leaving...Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What?He: Me.
153.Have you run into any trees lately? Then how bout a root?
154.Hey baby, you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
155.If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
156.Want to see my stamp collection?
157.Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5inches and it ain't floppy.
158.Hi, do you want to have my children? (assuming the answer is no), OK then, can we just practice?
159.Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick it off?
160.Do you know how to use a whip?
161.Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I keep seeing myself in them.
162.Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world.
163.How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted to know what to make you in the morning?
164.Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
165.You: Hi, wanna fuck? Her: NO! You: Mind lying down, while I have one?
166.Baby, I'm an American Express lover..you shouldn't go home without me!
167.Hi, my name is "Milk." And I'll do your body good.
168.Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
169.You: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No You: Well then, please start.
170.I've got the ship, you've got the harbor... what say we tie up for the night.
171.Would you like to come over to my place later? You can bring some friends if you want
172.Wanna go halves on a baby?
173.You: I hear you like to sing. Her: Yeah... You: (whip out your pud) Well, then step up to the mike.
Subject: SOLD!!! I saw this 1997 Cadillac advertised privately for $50, so I bought it without question. The lady seller gave me the title and a receipt.
Then I said, "Lady, I can't steal this car from you. It has a retail value of around $35,000."
"Oh, I know," she said. "It's loaded, and my late husband paid $39,000 for it just before he died. But in his will he left instructions that it was to be sold, and the proceeds given to his mistress. I can't wait to see her face when I give her the fifty dollars!!"
Subject: Kangaroo. A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
Subject: THE THREE BEARS. The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court.
Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.
When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Subject: Downloads. Rather than send everyone an attachment file,
they are ready at:
downloads.htm - check it out!
They include:
Wake to this every morning? (22K)
Check your computer! (22K)
Monica! (30K)
Funny Picture! (46K)
The Male Brain! (11K)
The Female Brain! (10K)
Viagra! (57K)
Viagra! (99K)
Enjoy.
Subject: Tense Moments. A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, that. My father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in embarrassment for having brought up such a tender subject and says, "Geez, oh, er.I."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Subject: Brain Teasers. 1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
Answers To Brain Teasers
1. Incorrectly.
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So, half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down.
9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
Subject: Ordering A Beer. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
Subject: Mouse Balls. Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.
Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we've got mice in there????}
Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.
Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th...they did what?????? How in the world did they do that?
Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.
Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...
Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em.
Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little fury real animals} Well...what can we do?
Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.
Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!
Secretary: Hmmm... Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!
Subject: Big sale. It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line.
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
Subject: Hillary's question. During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Subject: WHO SENT IT??? A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.
"Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"
Subject: Spielbeg Movie. Steven Spielberg's latest movie has brought rise to a possible sequel.
Picture this: A young soldier is wounded and brought to a military hospital, a la Mash.
A beautiful French nurse prepares him for surgery.
Of course they fall in love, he recovers and they live happily ever after.
Oh yes the movie should be called, Shaving Ryan's Privates.
Subject: This lady walks into a bar. This lady walks into a bar and sees this really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Beer."
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" He says, "Yes. I'll show you." So, he takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window.
She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Beer. So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "Superman, you're a real so-and-so when you're drunk."
Subject: Feelings. Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm;
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend;
Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought;
Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research;
Ohm resisted the idea at first;
Boyle said he was under too much pressure;
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience;
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam;
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco;
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight;
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately;
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now- must dash"
Subject: On The Golf Course. Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through. " He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled and hit the guy and said, " Small World! "
Subject: Pictures. A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed camera trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $165, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $165.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture of handcuffs.
He paid the fine.
Subject: An Irish joke. Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section.
Sean says to Pat "Dats dem".
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yea , we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage up dere" says Sean,
"Put dem in a peerper bag".
The clerk does and the two guys leave the shop. They get into Sean's van and drive for two hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.
"Dis look loike a good place, eh?" says Sean.
"Oh yea, dis look good" replies Pat.They flip a coin and Sean wins the toss.
"Hail fockin Mary, I guess I get to go first, eh boy?" says Sean.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Pat watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Pat looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says.
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me !"
Subject: Old maid virgins. There were two old-maid sisters, both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin, I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys, 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys, straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in, and 5 inches when it came out.
When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!! "
Subject: The curse. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Subject: Irish Electrician. Did you hear about the Irish electrician who was called into the local prison to fix the electric chair?
After about 2 hours in there he came out and said "Blimey, I'm not touching that thing. It's a f... deathtrap!!"
Subject: The Dentist. Dentist: Good grief! You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen.
Patient: You don't have to repeat it, doc!
Dentist: I didn't, that was the echo.
Subject: Study your bible. A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Subject: Purchasing a Shirt. A Westerner touring Hongkong was told by his folks back home that one can really get good bargains on shirts but one have to be wary. This gentleman while bargain hunting chance upon a well established shop and was rubbing his hand in glee when he saw the price of a branded shirt that cost half the price of what being sold back home. Being warned of "cheap" shirts he began to scrutinized the shirt carefully and he smiled when he saw a label sewed on the shirt.
The label read "Guaranteed No Shrink". Convinced that he has indeed found a great bargain he went ahead and bought himself half-a-dozen shirts.
Back at the hotel, he took out the shirts and send them to the laundry. He was eager to put them on and see some envious faces in his tour group. When the shirts returned from the hotel laundry he was shocked that all of them have shrinked by at least one size. He looked at the label again to assure himself that he did not read the label wrongly.
Yes, the label cleared stated: "Guaranteed No Shrink".
Angrily he took the shirts, went to the shop and asked to see the manager. The manager came out, listened to his complain and then calmly point to the label and said:
"You Westener read from left to right. We Chinese read from right to left."
Subject: The SuperBowl. Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, in tears. "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
Subject: Board a bus. A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again.
The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.
She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.
All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.
She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"
The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
Subject: Polish adoption. A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
Subject: What Do You Call Men. Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations - They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long.
Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong.
Men are like plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the bathroom.
Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like snowstorms - You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will get,
or how long it will last.
Subject: The soap. The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who in the world left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet : 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
- On the Kleenex dispenser : 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3
- On the bedroom dresser : 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4
- Inside the medicine cabinet : 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
- In the shower soap dish : 6 Camay, very moist
- On the northeast corner of tub : 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used
- On the northwest corner of tub : 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Subject: Business rules. Procedure for any and every machinery malfunction
1 Do not call service until everyone has had the time to formulate an opinion as to what is wrong. Give each member of staff an opportunity to correct the problem. Whenever possible, ALL controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
2 After several days, when the malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but any time after 4.30 is OK.
3 Alert all personnel so that everyone can give their own version of what is wrong. Suggestions on how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the engineer.
4 Hide the service history log for the machine. Make several references about the man who was here last week for the same problem.
5 Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the problem.
6 The minute the engineer arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that you expected him two days ago. Before he can offer an explanation, ask him when the machine will be back in service.
7 The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings always works well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.
8 Assign a member of staff to supervise the repair, someone who has never seen or used the machine is preferable. Bad breath is a real plus here and scores bonus points.
9 Ask again when the machine will be ready. Good timing is essential and when the machine is in 800 pieces and spread all over the floor will be just fine.
10 Be sure the machine is situated in a narrow passage with plenty of people passing by, each making a comment about the time the repair is taking. The lighting should be as low as possible,as we all know good engineers can work blindfold.
11 Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the engineer is looking at the schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing. It wouldn't hurt to mention at this point that you repaired the toaster last week without the aid of a schematic diagram.
12 When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Say that it ought to be swell as it took him long enough.
13 Try to get the engineer to lower the bill. They make too much money anyway.
14 After he has gone call his supervisor and say that the machine is worse now than before. Follow up with a letter and also send copies to head office.
15 Follow these rules with every call no matter how small the problem is.
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Management notices that employees dying on the job are failing to fall down.
This practice must cease, as it is becoming impossible to distinguish between death and natural movement of staff.
Any employee found dead in an upright position will be dropped from the payroll.
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This department requires no physical fitness programme.
Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing people in the back, dodging responsibility, pushing their luck and passing the buck.
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Due to the present economic situation, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice.
However, the floggings and hangings will continue until morale improves
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Most employees will know that our present factory premises date back to the 1850's. Recent extension work to the plating shop has revealed an almost perfectly preserved machine shop of very early vintage.
A mummified worker of the period was found slumped over one of the machines - apparently he died of exhaustion and the inhuman conditions prevailing at the time.
Visits to the area will NOT be approved as management feel staff may become envious and discontent with the current working environment.
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The man who knows "how" will never be without a job
The man who knows "why" will always be his boss.
Subject: Ribs. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting ribs," said Eve.
Subject: WICKED WISH. A guy from Israel and a guy from Syria are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants one wish to each of them.
The Syrian quickly says, "I want a wall around all of Syria to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And what is your wish?"
The guy from Israel smiles and says, "FILL IT WITH WATER."
Subject: Ashes. Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a (gasp!) -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
Subject: Aptitude Test. Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home now!
Subject: Dog Bite. One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse, which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse, "My wife", the man replied. "I'm sorry", said Dave "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse, the man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog bit her and she died as well."
Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line," replied the man.
Subject: The Lineage Revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple proceeded 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins; Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt; Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
Subject: NEWS FLASH!!! (AP)-Today the world was stunned by Death of the Energizer Bunny.
He was six years old.
Best known as "Pinkie" to his friends and relatives,
The irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going.
Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming.
Subject: Who's been eating my porridge? It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
Subject: Church. The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Subject: Y2K compliant. In order to be Y2K compliant the following plan is being implemented:
We will be removing all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
The Help Desk will be trained to answer the following questions.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Subject: Soap and Water. A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
Subject: First Date Rules. When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times)--she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy?
"Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules. :)
Subject: Cherry Tree Hearings. Cherry Tree Hearings - Official Transcript
Released this morning for the first time is the complete transcript of the Cherry Tree Hearings. Due to the nature of the content, reader discretion is advised. Parental discretion is also advised. In fact, discretion of all kinds is generally a good idea for everyone.
"George?"
"Yes, father."
"George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to promise you'll answer truthfully. Will you?"
"Yes, father."
"Good. Now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?"
"NO, father."
"You're quite sure!"
"Yes, father."
"Well, I'm afraid I'm very disappointed in you, George."
"Why, father?"
"Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little hatchet."
"Oh."
"In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer, George?"
"No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate."
"You still insist you were telling me the truth?"
"In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father."
"What the (deleted) is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, you asked me if I had 'cut' down the tree. In my own mind, it seemed to me that 'cutting' is something one does with a knife or a sickle. In my own mind it seemed that, since I used my little hatchet, the relationship I had with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was not a 'cutting' relationship. I would call it a chopping relationship. I also believe a majority of the American people would believe it to be a chopping relationship as well."
"Very well. I'11 give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully. Did you chop down my cherry tree?"
"No, father."
"No? No? Why do you still say no?"
"Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not 'chop down' your cherry tree."
"Well, what did you do, then?"
"I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground."
"So you chopped it down."
"No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall down. The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though segmented, would presumably still be up, not down."
"George, I'm losing patience with you. But I'm going to give you one last chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my cherry tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of gravity, caused the tree to fall down?"
"No, father."
"NO? NO? IT'S STILL NO? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO?"
"I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father. What is that object at which I am pointing with my childish little finger?"
"It's the stump of the cherry tree you cut down."
"It sure is."
"In fact, isn't the stump the most important part of the tree, father, since, without a stump there would be no tree?"
"I guess so."
"Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped down the tree, my own mind said to me, 'George, you must tell the truth. And the truthful answer is no. You chopped, gravity caused part of the tree to fall down yet the most important part of the tree is still standing."
"I see."
"All I can suppose father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated claims allege they saw me 'cut down' the entire 'tree' were motivated not by a search for truth but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps because I am from Virginia. Hillary thinks it might have been a conspiracy"
"Who the (deleted) is Hillary? Aw, never mind, George, you're a real crafty (expletive deleted.)"
"Thank you father."
"Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?"
"Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it as the first White House lawyer."
Subject: "Automobile Acronyms" AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive.
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PONTIAC
Poor Old N----- Thinks It's A Cadilac
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
Subject: Managers!! The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look. I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only. Smith, Jones, Baker, that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is."
Subject: Trouble With The Car. WIFE:"There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE:"I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
Subject: Paying the rent. "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
Subject: John Cleese. In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.
Subject: Resumes. The following are bloopers from real resumes sent to Robert Half International :
- "Reason for leaving : I blew the whistle on my crooked boss and I turned him in. He went to jail."
- From a cover letter : "I know about the "i" before "e" except after "c" thing."
- From a cover letter : "You could do worse than hiring me."
- "Personal requirements : Quality of coffee is important to me. I bring my own and need my own facilities."
- From a cover letter : "My salary requirement is currently $34 a year."
- From a cover letter : "My training as a body builder has given me an impressive stature. But should we meet for an interview, don't let my size and strength intimidate you."
- "Objective : To work. I think it is important to work."
- "Duties : Putting on a good performance for disgruntled customers."
- From a cover letter : "I am very willing to relocate. My lack of home furnishings makes it easy for me to work anywhere."
- "Reason for Leaving : defected due to my leader's well-known lack of sensitivity."
- A job seeker from Ohio sent his resume on a floppy disk. It was accompanied by this note : "You will find certain aspects of my professional background to be somewhat controversial. This disk is to be considered confidential and is not to be given to any member of the media, particularly 60 Minutes." On review, the most controversial items on the resume were the candidate's sizable gaps in employment, each explained with the notation "Top Secret." (I helped out some folks leaving the military who actually had been places which were classified and could not list them on their resumes -- nor what they had done. I rewrote the resumes to say "Classified" in the Location columns, but listed generic "civilian" terms for the actual work they'd performed (without "war" jargon). So it's *possible* that this guy in Ohio wasn't faking it. [But I wouldn't bet on it. --Chet])
- From a cover Letter : "I have not included a resume because I've done it all."
- "Reason for leaving : Elbow sprain."
- "Reason for leaving : Sensitive subject."
- "Skills : I do not type, know nothing about computers and do not intend to learn any of those things."
- "Objective : I am willing to deal with computers except the sort of data entry involving entering numbers. I am not good at typing numbers. Besides, it sounds terrifically boring."
- The first line of a resume, in big, bold letters : "I am a class act and don't come cheap."
- From a cover letter : "I prefer pleasant employment interviews and avoid those that aren't."
- "LENGTH OF RESIDENCE : 75 feet."
- "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED? No, never got caught."
- "ARE YOU A NATURAL BORN CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES? No. Caesarian."
- "JOB DESIRED : Desperately need income. Will accept any job that pays more than my debts."
- "Requirements : Must be home in time to watch Melrose Place."
- From a cover letter : "I've been unemployed for the last year, but I need something to do, so I'm applying for this job."
- "Experience : Sales Manager : 1887-1981."
- "Education: Yes."
- "Skills : Excellent math skills, good memory, excellent math skills."
- From a cover letter : "After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work."
- "Education : Statistics mayor."
- "Experience: I was involved in every aspect of the business, including office administration, customer service and cadaver preparation."
- "Skills : I can type 50 words a minute, but when pushed can type 55 words per minute."
- "Interests : I am completely fascinated by computer networking. I follow it wherever it goes."
- From a cover letter : "Willing to relocate to residence in upperscale neighborhood on waterfront with easy access to mass transit."
- "Objective : Secure a position in a large firm as a receptionist, PBX operator, manager, owner or accounts receivable clerk."
- "Qualifications : Provided heavy and mind-boggling levels of secretarial assistance to the company's executives and fortunately lived to tell about it."
- From a cover letter : "P.S. I can't sing a note to save my life."
- "Accomplishments : Instituted tremendous cost savings by downsizing accounting department to half its original size."
- "Experience : I like to work at marketing because marketing works for me."
- "Goal : Pay off my $14,976.46 student loan from the University of Wisconsin."
- Reason for leaving : "The salary I was being paid was not commensurate with my skills and abilities."
- "Reason for leaving : Conflicts with the SEC, IRS and FBI."
Subject: The postal workers. Two postal workers had just gotten off their routes for the day when one of the postal workers saw the other step on a snail.
"Why did you step on that snail, Tom?!," asked his perplexed coworker.
"Cause that darn snail's been following me around work all day!"
Subject: DEATH BY BUSINESS. Three men were survivors of a shipwreck and they found themselves on a strange island. Hungry, dying of thirst and harrowed by their ordeal with death, they desperately sought sanctuary. Plodding through the rich verdant sands and thick forest foliage, they came upon a smallish house.
Seeing no other help for miles in any direction, the men decided to knock on the door and ask the inhabitants for help. Their calls were responded in the form of a beautiful woman who opened the door. They beseeched her to give them food and shelter, and she agreed.
But, you must not enter the attic, she said
The men nodded their agreement, too exhausted to argue. So she went to sleep after dinner and the three men slept in the living room. In spite of their earlier promise, the men, now fully fed and in higher spirits, couldn't contain their curiosity regarding the attic. In the middle of the night, after much debate, the men decided to enter the attic. They did, and much to their horror, they discovered a horrifying thing.
In the attic hung the battered, tortured, and otherwise maltreated remains of male genitals hung from the ceilings. Hundred of them were present, fried, char-broiled, diced, cooked, mashed and otherwise abused. Sickened, the men hurriedly left and went to sleep, planning to forget the incident altogether.
In the morning, while the woman were preparing breakfast, she suddenly accosted the men and said, "So, you went into the attic last night, eh?" The men did not know what to say, and suddenly they knew they weren't dealing with just any woman here. "As punishment, I will castrate you in accordance with your father's profession."
Turning to the first man, she asked him his father's profession. Soldier, he replied. In response, she grabbed behind the kitchen counter and drew forth a nasty looking shotgun. Aiming at his crotch, she squeezed the trigger and fired... Eeeewww...
And what was your father's profession? She asked the second man. My father was a barber, he stated. In a blink of an eye, the woman grabbed a pair of scissors and conveniently located in a drawer and went to work.
SNIP!!!
Whilst the two men were screaming in unimaginable agony (physically and emotionally) the third one was laughing like crazy. What's the matter with you? The woman asked, staring at the third man with an incredulous look.." You're about to lose your most precious treasure and all you can do is laugh?" The man, hardly discomfited, replied in between giggles.
"My father was a Lollipop Vendor!"
Subject: Management responses to a dead horse. Dakota Indian tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a colloquial dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern organizations, we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
- buying a stronger whip
- changing riders
- saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"
- appointing a committee to the study the horse
- arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
- increasing the standards to ride dead horses
- appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horses
- creating a training session to increase our riding ability
- comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment
- passing a resolution declaring: "This horse is not dead"
- blaming the horses' ancestry
- harnessing several dead horses for increased speed
- declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat"
- providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance
- do a study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper
- declare the horse is better, faster and cheaper dead
- form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses
- revisit the performance requirements for dead horses
- say that this horse was procured with cost as the independent variable
- promote the dead horse to a supervisory position
Subject: Defending Satan. A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!"
"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"
Subject: Chain Letter. Dear Friend:
This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up your husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men . . . and some of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up!
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN!!! One woman did, and received her own jerk back!
At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday, but it took four undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off of her face.
Subject: Top 10 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK. 10. Incentive to show up.
9. Reduces complaints about low pay.
8. Cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
7. Helps save on heating costs in the winter.
6. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
5. Eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
4. It makes fellow employees look better.
3. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
2. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (?)
And the number one reason why alcohol should be served at work
1. Sitting nude on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
Subject: Swissair crash. "Scarey."
After the Swissair crash in Halifax, Swissair decided to change the flight numbers, maybe to "forget" this tragedy. So the flight Geneva-New-York passed from SR 110 to SR 114. And the return flight New-York-Geneva passed from SR 111 to SR 115. Now, if you add these new flight numbers (114+115), you will find 229, and that is the numbers of victims of this plane crash!!!
Subject: Bachelor Cooks. Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way: 'Take a clean dish...'"
Subject: POOR BET. An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Subject: Cemetery Graves. One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
Subject: Sidney's Last Wishes. Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie', he told me.'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use to his money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva".
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring.
"So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"
Subject: Down in Florida Waters. While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming tourist and slowed down.
The beachcomber then added, "The sharks got 'em."
Subject: Seeing Eye Dog. This man goes to a bar with his dog. The guy goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy thinks fast "This is my seeing-eye dog." "I'm so sorry," the bartender says, "I apologize. Let me buy your first drink." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "If you want to bring that dog in here, you'd better tell the bartender that it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a second and replies:
"WHAT?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Subject: The Load of hay. A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Subject: PRANK OF A LIFETIME. When John Glenn returns from space, everybody dress in ape suits.
Please distribute this to everyone (on earth, that is) you know
Subject: HINTS ON SPEEDING TICKETS. Useful Info for Speeding Tickets
I tried to pass this on to anyone I could think of. I know for a fact that this works so if you ever get in this situation, you have an out. This procedure works in any state. Read it and try it, you have nothing to loose but the points in your license.
If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever the case may be, and you are going to get points on your license, then there is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get any points. When u get your fine, send in the check to pay for it and if the fine is say $79, then make the check out for $82 or some small amount above the fine. The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference, but here is the trick! ---DO NOT CASH THE CHECK!! Throw it away! Points are not assessed to your license until all the financial transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, then the transactions are not complete. However the system has gotten its money so it is happy and will not bother you any more.
SOURCE: Thoonen Production Administrator RACV Touring Publication
Subject: Email facts!!! 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb
5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals with virii.
Try: http://www.norton.com And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.
7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.
8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the "»" that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times -- we've probably already seen it.
10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.
Subject: Down in Florida Waters. While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming tourist and slowed down.
The beachcomber then added, "The sharks got 'em."
Subject: Seeing Eye Dog. This man goes to a bar with his dog. The guy goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy thinks fast "This is my seeing-eye dog." "I'm so sorry," the bartender says, "I apologize. Let me buy your first drink." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "If you want to bring that dog in here, you'd better tell the bartender that it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a second and replies:
"WHAT?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Subject: Marrying Opposites. "You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'." was the reply.
"He wasn't pregnant and I was."
Subject: Life thereafter. Mr Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisianna. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).
Unfortunately, he wasn't sure of his wife's exact e-mail address and tried to wing it. It arrived at Mrs Joan Johnson's (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away a few days earlier.
The preachers wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. After being revived by her daughter she pointed a shaking finger at the message, which read: "Hi Honey! Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here. Your Loving Husband".
Subject: Stealing. Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
Subject: School. The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
Subject: That Car! A little boy was walking down the street when a car moved to the kerb and drove slowly along beside him. The driver pushed the passenger window down button and as he drove he said "If you get in the car I will give you a lollie".
The boy said "No way" and kept walking.
A little further on, still driving alongside the little boy, the driver said "If you get in the car I will give you two lollies and a dollar".
The boy said a firm "No".
A little further "what about half the packet of lollies and five dollars?"
The boy said "No".
"Look, what about all the lollies and twenty dollars?"
The boy turned and said " Listen Dad - it was you who bought the bloody Volvo!"
Subject: Camels. A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert",
"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks cross the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom"
"Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"
Subject: BREAD IS DANGEROUS!!! 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body.
For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:
a) 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
b) 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
c) 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
d) 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
e) 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
Subject: The circumcision. Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"
The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."
The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
Subject: Last Rites. The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
Subject: PIG!! A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
Subject: Monica. Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
Subject: Winner. Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.
The more boastful of the two... went right to it and made love to his date... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall...
Feeling sprightly, he went again... and once again at the completion of the act... marked another "l" on the wall - next to the first.
Figuring he had the bet in the bag... he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing... fell asleep.
Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window... he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time...... and marked another "l" on the wall...
Just at that time... His friend enters... and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims:
"DAMN- a hundred and eleven... beat me by three..."
Subject: In a delivery room. In a delivery room in an Israeli hospital, 4 husbands are waiting in anticipation.
The nurse appears and tells the first husband that his wife has just given birth to twins. He responds, "that's no surprise because I happen to work in the twin towers".
A while later the nurse reappears and addresses the second husband. "Mazal Tov," she says, "your wife just gave birth to triplets." He responds, "that's no surprise because I happen to work for 3M."
A while later the nurse tells the third husband that his wife gave birth to quads! He responds "That's no surprise because I happen to work at the 4 Seasons hotel."
A while later the nurse calls the fourth husband aside who by this stage is shaking and sweating.
"I'm afraid your wife gave birth to only one child." He sighed with relief, "thank goodness! I work in Mea Shearim."
Subject: This is a test. Get your pencil and paper!(maybe even a calculator)
. . . . . . STEP ONE
Pick a number between 1 and 100,
Multiply it by 5.
Add your age, minus the number in your family.
Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.
Write down the number on 1 side of a piece of paper.
. . . . . . STEP TWO
Pick another different number between 1 and 100.
Multiply by 1998.
Add the number in your family, and minus your age.
Divide the number by 10 rounding to the nearest decimal.
Write down the number on the other side of the piece of paper.
. . . . . . STEP THREE
Take the first 2 digits of your home phone number and add them to the last 2 digits of your work number and multiply by 365.
Write the number on a new sheet of paper.
. . . . . . STEP FOUR
Fold the first page in half.
Now fold the second page.
Place them side by side.
Now pick up the two sheets - sheet one in your left hand and sheet two in your right hand.
. . . . . . NOW.
. . . . . . Find a bin and place the sheets in it.
. . . . . . Now using both your hands, slap yourself around the head while repeating
"I'm an insane idiot who wastes too much time on stuff like this."
Subject: $0.25 cents. A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
Subject: Storks. Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!"
Subject: A rookie police officer. A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."
Subject: Facts of life. The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
Subject: U.S. ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE. Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you.
As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ass off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army.
Subject: Death. There were three guys that died and went to heaven.
The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."
The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."
The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"
The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts laughing and the man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"
The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"
Subject: "Making Me Jealous." Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute." Marie snapped. "You're just saying that to make me jealous."
Subject: The battery. An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car will ever need. It died after only six month!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
Subject: Deal With The Devil. An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what's the catch?"
Subject: Baseball Team. A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
Subject: Air Traffic Control. An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct flight to Los Angeles.
Halfway across the country he was told to turn due south. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off coarse. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"
The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747s collide!"
Subject: Rules for Driving. Rules for Driving.
1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
5) Always look both ways when running a red light.
6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
8) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back upon the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.
Subject: The Barrel. The new lumberjack was having a harder time adjusting to the isolation of the Canadian wilderness than he had expected. Finally, he became so horny that he headed for the foreman's office for advice. "I don't know what to do, boss," said the despondent lumberjack. "I'm so horny I could explode!"
"Don't worry," said the boss. "That's a common problem, and we have just the thing to take care of it. You know that barrel over by the mess hall?"
"Yeah," replied the lumberjack. "The one with the hole in it?"
"That's the one," said the foreman. "You just go over to that barrel, stick your dick inside that hole, and I guarantee you'll have the experience of your life."
Sceptical but desperate, the resolved to give it a shot. He went over to the barrel, inserted his penis in the hole, and WHAM! It was the finest orgasm he'd ever experienced. He couldn't believe the quality of the sensation (or the relief!). He rushed back to the foreman's office in glee. "Well, did you do what I said?" asked the boss.
"I sure did, and it was just like you said! I haven't ever felt anything that good in my whole life!" cried the exuberant lumberjack. "I'm going to visit that barrel EVERY DAY from now on!"
"Well," corrected the boss, "every day but Wednesday."
"Why not Wednesday?" asked the lumberjack.
"That's your day in the barrel."
Subject: Weapons to Iraq. MEMO
To: Experimental Weaponry Research & Development - Nuclear Hand Grenade Tests
From: Experimental Weaponry - Product Testing
Subject: Test Results
Gentlemen
Congratulations on the development of the US arsenal's first nuclear hand grenade. As expected, your demonstration models functioned flawlessly. All test devices detonated as designed, hence the test must be deemed a success.
However, in light of the fact that the device can only be thrown 25 yards, we STRONGLY SUGGEST you reduce the 100 yard killing radius.
P.S. We suggest offering the current stock to Iran and Iraq as part of a buy-one get-one FREE sale.
Subject: Two beggars. Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat held by the man with the Star of David is nearly empty.
A priest watches this and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: " Young man, don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David!"
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says:
"Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"
Subject: Donald MacDonald. Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Subject: Where is the baby? For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Subject: Camping Alert! In case anyone is considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
Subject: Lethal Product. A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
Subject: FLIGHT SAFETY. "Stewardess"
"Yes, Sir?"
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."
"Captain, shut up and land the plane."
Subject: Remember. When the three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
Mom was not so pleased. She turned to Grandma and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Grandma smiled and then replied, "I remember."
Subject: Obedient child! "Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?" asked the Sunday school teacher. All the eager three-year-olds raised their hands except Tommy.
"I'm sorry, I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school."
Subject: If there were only 100. "If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following.
There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent."
Subject: Jet Fuel. A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at San Francisco; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz." So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinking buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover - we ought to do this more often"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"
Subject: Ring A Bell?? Long ago the old monk in charge of the bell tower was looking for a new bell ringer. The only applicant was a young man with no arms.
The monk said "but my son, you have no arms, how can you perform the duties of bell ringer?"
I will show you Father, and he climbed the many flights of stairs up into the bell tower. He stood 10 feet back from the huge bell, and dove headlong into its side. A low, barely audible, tone emanated from the bell. His nose was cut, and his eyebrow was gashed, but determined to succeed, he stood even farther back this time and with a running start, flung himself head first at the bell. A somewhat louder note came from the bell, and it started to rock.
The man's face was bleeding profusely now as he took an even longer high-speed lunge at the bell. This time, though, he missed the swinging bell and dove through the opening of the stairwell. Falling to the bottom, he was killed. The local sheriff was called, and he asked the monk if he knew who the dead man was.
I don't know his name, replied the monk, but his face rings a bell.
(STOP NOW, WHILE YOU STILL CAN.)
At this point the dead man's twin brother came upon the scene. He also had no arms, and he begged the monk: "Father, that man is my brother. You must let me go up in the tower and ring the bell. You must let me prove that my brother was not a fool, and that men such as us are capable of this job."
The old monk tried to protest: "but my son, you also have no arms.", but the man was already bounding up the stairs of the tower. Once in the tower, the man's first two attempts had the same results as his brother's. On his third attempt, his face covered in blood, he backed up slowly for his next run at the bell, but went too far and fell backwards out of the tower window to his death.
The sheriff looked at this new victim and asked the monk if he knew this man's identity. No, replied the monk, but he's a dead ringer for his brother.
Subject: A Walk in the Rain. One day a rooster and a cat were walking down the street, they were good friends and liked to go on walks together.
Suddenly it began to rain and the sidewalk became very slick and full of puddles. The cat slipped and fell into one of the puddles.
At this sight the rooster became hysterical, laughing long and loud.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Whenever there is a wet pussy around, there is sure to be a happy cock nearby ;)
Subject: DOUBLE VODKA. A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife."
Walking.
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