 Walking.
The Fish.
Stress Kit.
Speeding.
Workplace.
War Story.
Ultimate List of Pickup Lines.
Sold!!!
Kangaroo.
The three bears.
Downloads.
Tense Moments.
Brain Teasers
Ordering A Beer.
Mouse Balls.
Big sale.
Hillary's question.
Who sent it???
Spielbeg Movie.
This lady walks into a bar.
White House Purim.
Feelings.
The earthworm.
On The Golf Course.
Pictures.
An Irish joke.
Old maid virgins.
The curse.
Irish Electrician.
The Dentist.
Study your bible.
What Do You Call A Woman.
Definition.
Purchasing a Shirt.
The SuperBowl.
Board a bus.
Polish adoption.
What Do You Call Men.
The soap.
Business rules.
Ribs.
Wicked wish.
Ashes.
Aptitude Test.
Dog Bite.
The lineage revealed.
News flash!!!
Who's been eating my porridge?
Church.
Y2K compliant.
Soap & Water.
First Date Rules.
Cherry Tree Hearings.
"Automobile Acronyms".
Managers!!
Trouble With The Car.
Paying the rent.
John Cleese.
Resumes.
The postal workers.
Dear IRS.
Death by business.
Management responses to a dead horse.
Defending Satan.
Difference - You & Your Boss.
Chain letter.
Alcohol served at work.
Work ethic.
Swissair crash.
Bachelor Cooks.
Poor bet.
Cemetery Graves.
Sidney's Last Wishes.
Down in Florida Waters.
Seeing Eye Dog.
The Load of hay.
Prank of a lifetime.
Speeding tickets.
Email facts!!!
Down in Florida Waters.
Seeing Eye Dog.
Marrying Opposites.
Thought For the Day.
Life thereafter.
Stealing.
School.
That Car!
Yesterday.
Camels.
Bread is dangerous!!!
The circumcision.
Last Rites.
Pig!!
Monica..
Male chavinist.
Pussy.
Winner.
In a delivery room.
This is a test.
$0.25 cents.
Storks.
A rookie police officer.
Facts of life.
U.S. Army message.
Death.
"Making Me Jealous".
The battery.
Deal With The Devil.
Baseball Team.
Air Traffic Control.
Christmas.
Rules for Driving.
No-No's The Barrel.
Weapons to Iraq.
Two beggars.
Donald MacDonald.
Where is the baby?
Camping Alert!
Fred & Saddam.
Lethal Product.
Flight safety.
Remember.
Obedient child!
If there were only 100.
Jet Fuel.
Ring A Bell??
A Walk in the Rain.
Double vodka.
Downloads.
A Phone Call.
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 Top
Subject: Walking.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced,
"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Top
Subject: The Fish.
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
Top
Subject: Stress Kit.
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.
For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.
He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the rest of the doilies."
Top
Subject: Speeding.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DWI
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the blonde bitch who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun? What gun ?? ...there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: I said what ????
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet the lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding too!
Top
Subject: Workplace.
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Top
Subject: War Story.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge -- and boy, do they know how to charge!"
Top
Subject: The Ultimate List of Pickup Lines.
1. That shirt looks very becoming on you... of course if I were on you I'd be coming too.
2. If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me... Please?!
3. If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together.
4. Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.
5. Is your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!
6. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
7. That dress looks nice...of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in the corner.
8. Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.
9. Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.
10. Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up!
11. Would you like to have breakfast tomorrow? Should I nudge or call you?
12.(Check female's shirt tag)... Just as I thought, made in heaven.
13. Were your parents Greek gods? Because it takes two gods to make a goddess.
14. Pardon me Miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
15. Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are... gorgeous!
16. Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really,what time?
17. Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.
18. Have you seen (any movie)? Would you like to?
19. My face is leaving in 10 minutes...are you gonna be on it or not?
20. Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't you name Gretchen?
21. Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
22. If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?
23. I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?
24. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in?
25. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you.
26. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
27. If you and I were squirrels, could I put a nut in your hole?
28. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? No, huh... so you want to go somewhere and talk?
29. That's a nice shirt... could I talk you out of it?
30.(Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help?
31. That dress looks great on you... as a matter of fact, so would I.
32. Hey baby, you wanna see something swell?
33. Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced nipples...
34. Are you religious? Cause I'm the answer to all your prayers.
35. I love every bone in your body... especially mine.
36.(With hands on shoulders) OH, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.
37. Pardon me, are you in heat?
38. Are you OK? Because heaven's a long fall from here.
39. You know, I never was to good at math...like if I put you and I together I'd get 69.
40. You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls.
41. You know the more I drink the prettier you get.
42. Can I borrow a quarter? Cause my mom told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
43. Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Or: Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
44. You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?
45. Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons!
46. Your face or mine?
47. Hey, here's the word for the day: LEGS. Whadya say we go upstairs and spread the word?
48. Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven.
49. Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
50. Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
51. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
52. Hi, my name's ( ), how do you like me so far?
53. Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between the two of us.
54. Hey Baby! Wanna go get some pizza and screw? What you don't like pizza?
55. She: (to passing man) Do you have the time? Him: Do you have energy?
56. Bond. James Bond.
57. You know, I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone has already beat.
58. You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
60. Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse,etc.)and simply ask, "Are you ready to go home now?"
61. Walk up to a lady at a social gathering (party, club, etc.)and simply ask, "Are you ready to go home now?"
62. You know, I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
63. At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread and ask, "Wanna roll?"
64. You know, you've got the prettiest teeth I've ever dreamed of coming on
65. That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing.
66. Think you can dance in those shoes?
67. OK, you can stand next to me as long as you don't talk about the heat.
68. Ask girl if she likes jewelry. Then grab your nuts and say,"Then suck this gem!"
69. You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign.
70. Why don't you surprise your roommate/parents and not go home tonight?
71. Good looking waitress pouring a drink: Say when.Guy: As soon as I'm done with my drink.
72. Lie down. I think I love you.
73. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
74. I can sense that you're a terrific lover and it intimidates me a little.
75. If I weren't so romantic, I'd shoot you.
76. My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
77. My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your blouse in a public place.
78. Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never been to bed together?
79. I know a great way to burn off the calories from that pastry you just ate.
80. Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
81. Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull you pockets inside out...) Would you like to?
83. Stand back, I'm a doctor! You go get the ambulance and I'll loosen her clothes.
84. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
85. I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
86. Hey baby, wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I guess your age and weight.
87. You: Tickle your ass with a feather? Her: What!? You: I said, "Particularly nice weather."
88. Hey baby, wanna play train conductor? OK, you sit on my face and I'll Chew Chew Chew. (choo!)
89. Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.
90. Do you know the difference between my penis and a chicken leg? No??? Well, let's go on picnic and find out!
91. Oh, you're a bird watcher... (Whip out your unit and ask)Well, would you take this for a swallow?
92. Stand back, I'm a police officer! You go call for backup and I'll frisk her!
93. Do you have a library card? Good, cause I wanna check you out.
94. Your warm eyes melt the iciness of my heart.
95.(At church during a sermon) (put your arm around your gal) Honey, I don't know where he is (motioning at the preacher)but I do know I'm here with you.
96. Baby, you look better and better each day...and tonight, you look like tomorrow!
97. Here's a quarter...call your roommate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight.
98. Hey baby you smell, let's take a shower together.
99. Baby, you with those curves and me with no brakes! Mmmmmm!
100.Hey baby, whatdya say we go behind that rock and get a little boulder.
101.I want to melt in your mouth not in your hands.
102.Can I borrow a quarter? (why?) Cuz I wanna call your mom and thank her.
103.You're so hot, you melt the plastic in my underwear.
104.Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want.
105.Let's go back to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
106.My name is _________. Just remember that, so you'll know what to scream.
107.Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
108.Can I flirt with you?
109.Your daddy must have been a baker, cuz you sure have a nice set of buns!
110.(Checking her shirt tag) Just making sure you were the right size!
111.(Grab her ass) Pardon me is this seat taken?
112.Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?
113.Can I have directions? (to where?) to your heart!
114.I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
115.So... how am I doin'?
116.How bout you and me go back to my place and get you out of those wet clothes.
117.(tapping your leg) You just think this is my leg?
118.You know what would look good on you? ME!
119.Excuse me, but I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?
120.Go up to a girl in a bar and slip your arm around her and say "Hi Kate!"She says "I'm not Kate!" and you say, as your hand slips a little lower, "But you sure feel like her!"
121.She: Gee, I really enjoyed myself tonight. He: Me too. Maybe we could let our bodies enjoy each other sometime.
122.Pardon me, I was just about to go home and masturbate, and I was wondering if you would mind if I fantasized about you?
123.I've had a pretty bad day, and it usually makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me?
124.Overheard in a computer lab: Just because computers are incompatible doesn't mean we are.
125.Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and exchange gravy?
126.Hey, didn't we go to different schools together?
127.You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
128.Would you like Gin and platonic, or would you prefer Scotch and sofa?
129.What's you favorite position on extramarital sex?
130.I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice back rub. Are the straps too tight, darling?How tragic. How very, very tragic.
131.Hello Susie, Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
132.Excuse me, do you live around here often?
133.I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
134.I've got an itch honey. Lower. Lower. In. Out.
135.I'm on fire baby, can I run through your sprinkler?
136.Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
137.I have only three months to live...
138.Hey baby, what's you sign? All you can eat?
139.Hi I'm Big Brother. And I've been watching you.
140.Where have you been all my life?
141.In the produce department: "How can you tell if these things are ripe?
142.Hey, weren't you Miss Virginia last year?
143.Don't worry about it. Nothing that you've ever done before counts. The only thing that matters is that we're together.
144.I know mild does a body good, but baby, how much have you been drinking?
145.Your daddy must be a drug dealer, cuz you're dope.
146.Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
147.If I follow you home will you keep me?
148.Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.
149.Go up to a girl and tell her she has nice legs...then ask would she mind if you named them. She says OK and you say this one is Thanksgiving and that one is Christmas...would you mind if I visited between the holidays?
150.Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
151.Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
152.As she's leaving...Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What?He: Me.
153.Have you run into any trees lately? Then how bout a root?
154.Hey baby, you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
155.If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
156.Want to see my stamp collection?
157.Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5inches and it ain't floppy.
158.Hi, do you want to have my children? (assuming the answer is no), OK then, can we just practice?
159.Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick it off?
160.Do you know how to use a whip?
161.Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I keep seeing myself in them.
162.Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world.
163.How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted to know what to make you in the morning?
164.Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he's missing an angel!
165.You: Hi, wanna fuck? Her: NO! You: Mind lying down, while I have one?
166.Baby, I'm an American Express lover..you shouldn't go home without me!
167.Hi, my name is "Milk." And I'll do your body good.
168.Excuse me, ma'am, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
169.You: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No You: Well then, please start.
170.I've got the ship, you've got the harbor... what say we tie up for the night.
171.Would you like to come over to my place later? You can bring some friends if you want
172.Wanna go halves on a baby?
173.You: I hear you like to sing. Her: Yeah... You: (whip out your pud) Well, then step up to the mike.
Top
Subject: SOLD!!!
I saw this 1997 Cadillac advertised privately for $50, so I bought it without question. The lady seller gave me the title and a receipt.
Then I said, "Lady, I can't steal this car from you. It has a retail value of around $35,000."
"Oh, I know," she said. "It's loaded, and my late husband paid $39,000 for it just before he died. But in his will he left instructions that it was to be sold, and the proceeds given to his mistress. I can't wait to see her face when I give her the fifty dollars!!"
Top
Subject: Kangaroo.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
Top
Subject: THE THREE BEARS.
The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court.
Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.
When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."
Top
Subject: Downloads.
Rather than send everyone an attachment file,
they are ready at:
downloads.htm
- check it out!
They include:
Wake to this every morning? (22K)
Check your computer! (22K)
Monica! (30K)
Funny Picture! (46K)
The Male Brain! (11K)
The Female Brain! (10K)
Viagra! (57K)
Viagra! (99K)
Enjoy.
Top
Subject: Tense Moments.
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, that. My father's ashes are in there."
He turns beet red in embarrassment for having brought up such a tender subject and says, "Geez, oh, er.I."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Top
Subject: Brain Teasers.
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=
Answers To Brain Teasers
1. Incorrectly.
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So, half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down.
9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
Top
Subject: Ordering A Beer.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."
Top
Subject: Mouse Balls.
Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.
Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we've got mice in there????}
Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.
Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th...they did what?????? How in the world did they do that?
Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.
Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...
Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em.
Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little fury real animals} Well...what can we do?
Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.
Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!
Secretary: Hmmm... Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!
Top
Subject: Big sale.
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line.
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
Top
Subject: Hillary's question.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Top
Subject: WHO SENT IT???
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.
"Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"
Top
Subject: Spielbeg Movie.
Steven Spielberg's latest movie has brought rise to a possible sequel.
Picture this: A young soldier is wounded and brought to a military hospital, a la Mash.
A beautiful French nurse prepares him for surgery.
Of course they fall in love, he recovers and they live happily ever after.
Oh yes the movie should be called, Shaving Ryan's Privates.
Top
Subject: This lady walks into a bar.
This lady walks into a bar and sees this really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Beer."
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" He says, "Yes. I'll show you." So, he takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window.
She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Beer. So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "Superman, you're a real so-and-so when you're drunk."
Top
Subject: Feelings.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm;
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend;
Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought;
Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research;
Ohm resisted the idea at first;
Boyle said he was under too much pressure;
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience;
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam;
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco;
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight;
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately;
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now- must dash"
Top
Subject: The earthworm.
Did you hear the one about the Irish earthworm?
He was found dead inside a brick.
Top
Subject: On The Golf Course.
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, " I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through. " He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, " I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled and hit the guy and said, " Small World! "
Top
Subject: Pictures.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed camera trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $165, and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $165.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture of handcuffs.
He paid the fine.
Top
Subject: An Irish joke.
Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section.
Sean says to Pat "Dats dem".
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yea , we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage up dere" says Sean,
"Put dem in a peerper bag".
The clerk does and the two guys leave the shop. They get into Sean's van and drive for two hours until they are high up in the hills and stop at the face of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.
"Dis look loike a good place, eh?" says Sean.
"Oh yea, dis look good" replies Pat.They flip a coin and Sean wins the toss.
"Hail fockin Mary, I guess I get to go first, eh boy?" says Sean.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Pat watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Pat looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says.
"Fock dat, dis budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me !"
Top
Subject: Old maid virgins.
There were two old-maid sisters, both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin, I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!"
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys, 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys, straight to the bathroom.
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in, and 5 inches when it came out.
When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!! "
Top
Subject: The curse.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Top
Subject: Irish Electrician.
Did you hear about the Irish electrician who was called into the local prison to fix the electric chair?
After about 2 hours in there he came out and said "Blimey, I'm not touching that thing. It's a f... deathtrap!!"
Top
Subject: The Dentist.
Dentist: Good grief! You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen.
Patient: You don't have to repeat it, doc!
Dentist: I didn't, that was the echo.
Top
Subject: Study your bible.
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Top
Subject: What Do You Call A Woman.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman At 12 Am On Jan. 1st?
A: Eve
Q: What Do You Call A Woman At Sunrise?
A: Dawn
Q: What Do You Call A Woman At The Bottom Of An Elevator Shaft?
A: Dot
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Being Shot Out Of A Cannon?
A: Amy
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Being Stoned For Immorality?
A: Cyn
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Eaten By A Gila Monster?
A: Liz
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Ensnared In A Lawsuit?
A: Sue
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Full Of Holes?
A: Annette
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In A Backpack?
A: Carrie
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In A Pan Of Boiling Water?
A: Blanche
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In A Sewer?
A: Flo
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In A Shotgun Wedding?
A: Mary
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In A Sugar Vat?
A: Candy
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In A Truck?
A: Lori
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In The Christmas Choir?
A: Carol
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In The Flowerbed?
A: Rose, Iris, Lily, Daisy, Petunia, Or Violet
Q: What Do You Call A Woman In The Summer?
A: June
Q: What Do You Call A Woman On The Bottom Of The ocean?
A: Sandy.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman On Your Barbecue?
A: Patty.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman That You Wouldn't Bother To Pick Up?
A: Penny
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Trying To Figure How She Got That Way?
A: Wanda
Q: What Do You Call A Woman When She's Your Sister's Kid?
A: Denise
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Is Stuck To The Walls At Christmas?
A: Holly
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Likes Yellowish Semi-Precious Stones?
A: Amber
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With A Cocktail Stick In Her Head?
A: Olive
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With A Pint Of Beer On Head?
A: Beatrix
Q: What Do You Call The Same Woman Playing Pool At The Same Time?
A: Beatrix Potter
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With A Steak On Her Back?
A: Barbie
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With Lots Of Freckles?
A: Dotty
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With Really Big Ears?
A: Bunny
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Throwing Her Bills In The Fire?
A: Bernadette
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Can Suck A Golf Ball Through 20 Feet of Garden Hose?
A: `Darling', `Sweetheart', `Precious', Whatever It Takes.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Has Lost 95% Of Her Intelligence?
A: Divorced.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Puts Her Diaphragm In Crooked?
A: Mother
Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Uses too Much Contraceptive Cream?
A: A Spermicidal Maniac.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With A Bit Of DNA On Her Head?
A: Jean.
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With A Wooden Leg?
A: Peg
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With Both Legs The Same Length?
A: Nolene
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With One Leg Longer Than The Other?
A: Eileen
Q: What Do You Call A Woman With Two Brain Cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: What do you call a woman with two toilets on her head?
A: Lulu.
Top
Subject: Definition.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Top
Subject: Purchasing a Shirt.
A Westerner touring Hongkong was told by his folks back home that one can really get good bargains on shirts but one have to be wary. This gentleman while bargain hunting chance upon a well established shop and was rubbing his hand in glee when he saw the price of a branded shirt that cost half the price of what being sold back home. Being warned of "cheap" shirts he began to scrutinized the shirt carefully and he smiled when he saw a label sewed on the shirt.
The label read "Guaranteed No Shrink". Convinced that he has indeed found a great bargain he went ahead and bought himself half-a-dozen shirts.
Back at the hotel, he took out the shirts and send them to the laundry. He was eager to put them on and see some envious faces in his tour group. When the shirts returned from the hotel laundry he was shocked that all of them have shrinked by at least one size. He looked at the label again to assure himself that he did not read the label wrongly.
Yes, the label cleared stated: "Guaranteed No Shrink".
Angrily he took the shirts, went to the shop and asked to see the manager. The manager came out, listened to his complain and then calmly point to the label and said:
"You Westener read from left to right. We Chinese read from right to left."
Top
Subject: The SuperBowl.
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, in tears. "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
Top
Subject: Board a bus.
A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step up. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again.
The Skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.
She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.
All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.
She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"
The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"
Top
Subject: Polish adoption.
A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
Top
Subject: What Do You Call Men.
Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations - They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like coolers - Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars - sweet, smooth and they usually head straight for your hips.
Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you going all night long.
Men are like horoscopes - They always tell you what to do and usually they are wrong.
Men are like plungers - They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or in the bathroom.
Men are like cement - After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like snowstorms - You never know when they are coming, how many inches you will get,
or how long it will last.
Top
Subject: The soap.
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who in the world left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here?? All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet : 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
- On the Kleenex dispenser : 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3
- On the bedroom dresser : 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4
- Inside the medicine cabinet : 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
- In the shower soap dish : 6 Camay, very moist
- On the northeast corner of tub : 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used
- On the northwest corner of tub : 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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Subject: Business rules.
Procedure for any and every machinery malfunction
1 Do not call service until everyone has had the time to formulate an opinion as to what is wrong. Give each member of staff an opportunity to correct the problem. Whenever possible, ALL controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
2 After several days, when the malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but any time after 4.30 is OK.
3 Alert all personnel so that everyone can give their own version of what is wrong. Suggestions on how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the engineer.
4 Hide the service history log for the machine. Make several references about the man who was here last week for the same problem.
5 Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the problem.
6 The minute the engineer arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that you expected him two days ago. Before he can offer an explanation, ask him when the machine will be back in service.
7 The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings always works well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.
8 Assign a member of staff to supervise the repair, someone who has never seen or used the machine is preferable. Bad breath is a real plus here and scores bonus points.
9 Ask again when the machine will be ready. Good timing is essential and when the machine is in 800 pieces and spread all over the floor will be just fine.
10 Be sure the machine is situated in a narrow passage with plenty of people passing by, each making a comment about the time the repair is taking. The lighting should be as low as possible,as we all know good engineers can work blindfold.
11 Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the engineer is looking at the schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing. It wouldn't hurt to mention at this point that you repaired the toaster last week without the aid of a schematic diagram.
12 When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Say that it ought to be swell as it took him long enough.
13 Try to get the engineer to lower the bill. They make too much money anyway.
14 After he has gone call his supervisor and say that the machine is worse now than before. Follow up with a letter and also send copies to head office.
15 Follow these rules with every call no matter how small the problem is.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Management notices that employees dying on the job are failing to fall down.
This practice must cease, as it is becoming impossible to distinguish between death and natural movement of staff.
Any employee found dead in an upright position will be dropped from the payroll.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This department requires no physical fitness programme.
Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing people in the back, dodging responsibility, pushing their luck and passing the buck.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to the present economic situation, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice.
However, the floggings and hangings will continue until morale improves
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Most employees will know that our present factory premises date back to the 1850's. Recent extension work to the plating shop has revealed an almost perfectly preserved machine shop of very early vintage.
A mummified worker of the period was found slumped over one of the machines - apparently he died of exhaustion and the inhuman conditions prevailing at the time.
Visits to the area will NOT be approved as management feel staff may become envious and discontent with the current working environment.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man who knows "how" will never be without a job
The man who knows "why" will always be his boss.
Top
Subject: Ribs.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting ribs," said Eve.
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Subject: WICKED WISH.
A guy from Israel and a guy from Syria are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants one wish to each of them.
The Syrian quickly says, "I want a wall around all of Syria to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And what is your wish?"
The guy from Israel smiles and says, "FILL IT WITH WATER."
Top
Subject: Ashes.
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.
When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a (gasp!) -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around.
After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."
"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."
The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
Top
Subject: Aptitude Test.
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy : I've already got one rabbit at home now!
Top
Subject: Dog Bite.
One fall day, Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse, which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse, "My wife", the man replied. "I'm sorry", said Dave "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse, the man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog bit her and she died as well."
Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line," replied the man.
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Subject: The Lineage Revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple proceeded 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins; Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt; Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
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Subject: NEWS FLASH!!!
(AP)-Today the world was stunned by Death of the Energizer Bunny.
He was six years old.
Best known as "Pinkie" to his friends and relatives,
The irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going.
Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening.
An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and coming.
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Subject: Who's been eating my porridge?
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
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Subject: Church.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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Subject: Y2K compliant.
In order to be Y2K compliant the following plan is being implemented:
We will be removing all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
The Help Desk will be trained to answer the following questions.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
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Subject: Soap and Water.
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
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Subject: First Date Rules.
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times)--she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy?
"Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules. :)
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Subject: Cherry Tree Hearings.
Cherry Tree Hearings - Official Transcript
Released this morning for the first time is the complete transcript of the Cherry Tree Hearings. Due to the nature of the content, reader discretion is advised. Parental discretion is also advised. In fact, discretion of all kinds is generally a good idea for everyone.
"George?"
"Yes, father."
"George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to promise you'll answer truthfully. Will you?"
"Yes, father."
"Good. Now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?"
"NO, father."
"You're quite sure!"
"Yes, father."
"Well, I'm afraid I'm very disappointed in you, George."
"Why, father?"
"Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little hatchet."
"Oh."
"In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer, George?"
"No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate."
"You still insist you were telling me the truth?"
"In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father."
"What the (deleted) is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, you asked me if I had 'cut' down the tree. In my own mind, it seemed to me that 'cutting' is something one does with a knife or a sickle. In my own mind it seemed that, since I used my little hatchet, the relationship I had with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was not a 'cutting' relationship. I would call it a chopping relationship. I also believe a majority of the American people would believe it to be a chopping relationship as well."
"Very well. I'11 give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully. Did you chop down my cherry tree?"
"No, father."
"No? No? Why do you still say no?"
"Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not 'chop down' your cherry tree."
"Well, what did you do, then?"
"I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground."
"So you chopped it down."
"No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall down. The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though segmented, would presumably still be up, not down."
"George, I'm losing patience with you. But I'm going to give you one last chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my cherry tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of gravity, caused the tree to fall down?"
"No, father."
"NO? NO? IT'S STILL NO? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO?"
"I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father. What is that object at which I am pointing with my childish little finger?"
"It's the stump of the cherry tree you cut down."
"It sure is."
"In fact, isn't the stump the most important part of the tree, father, since, without a stump there would be no tree?"
"I guess so."
"Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped down the tree, my own mind said to me, 'George, you must tell the truth. And the truthful answer is no. You chopped, gravity caused part of the tree to fall down yet the most important part of the tree is still standing."
"I see."
"All I can suppose father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated claims allege they saw me 'cut down' the entire 'tree' were motivated not by a search for truth but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps because I am from Virginia. Hillary thinks it might have been a conspiracy"
"Who the (deleted) is Hillary? Aw, never mind, George, you're a real crafty (expletive deleted.)"
"Thank you father."
"Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?"
"Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it as the first White House lawyer."
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Subject: "Automobile Acronyms"
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive.
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
PONTIAC
Poor Old N----- Thinks It's A Cadilac
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
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Subject: Managers!!
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look. I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only. Smith, Jones, Baker, that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is."
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Subject: Trouble With The Car.
WIFE:"There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE:"I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
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