Subject: Bull's Eye, Wrong Bull! It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station skipping recruit training. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base.
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"
Subject: Old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement and new knees. I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia.
I have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I have lost all my friends. But thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.
Subject: Diagnosis. The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Subject: The genie. One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle.
Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie.
"What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
Subject: What? "Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
Whereupon they both hung up.
Subject: IF YOUR JOB IS ON THE LINE. The boss calls four of his employees into the office: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay."
Subject: Bragging. The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Subject: Football. This teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a very special relationship. At football matches even though the son was always on the bench, and his father never missed a game, he was always in the stands cheering. This young man was still the smallest of the class when he entered high school. His father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn't want to. But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. He was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he'd get to play when he became a senior. All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game, but remained a bench warmer all four years. His faithful father was always in the stands, always with words of encouragement for him.
When the young man went to college, he decided to try out for the football team as a "walk-on." Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did. The coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart and soul into every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed.
The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father. His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games. This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college, but he never got to play in the game. It was the end of his senior football season, and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big play off game, the coach met him with a telegram. The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent.
Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, "My father died this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?" The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said, "Take the rest of the week off, son. And don't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday."
Saturday arrived, and the game was not going well. In the third quarter, when the team was ten points behind, a silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his football gear. As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were astounded to see their faithful teammate back so soon. "Coach, please let me play. I've just got to play today," said the young man. The coach pretended not to hear him. There was no way he wanted his worst player in this close playoff game. But the young man persisted, and finally feeling sorry for the kid the coach gave in. "All right," he said. "You can go in."
Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never played before was doing everything right. The opposing team could not stop him.
He ran, he passed, blocked and tackled like a star. His team began to triumph. The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this kid intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown. The fans broke loose. His teammates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such cheering you've never heard!
Finally, after the stands had emptied and the team had showered and left the locker room, the coach noticed that the young man was sitting quietly in the corner all alone. The coach came to him and said, "Kid, I can't believe it. You were fantastic! Tell me what got into you? How did you do it?"
He looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Well, you knew my dad died, but did you know that my dad was blind?" The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, "Dad came to all my games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show him I could do it!"
SO - REMEMBER...
somebody is very proud of you.
somebody is thinking of you.
somebody is caring about you.
somebody misses you.
somebody wants to talk to you.
somebody wants to be with you.
somebody hopes you are not in trouble.
somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
somebody wants to hold your hand.
somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
somebody wants you to be happy.
somebody wants you to find him/her.
somebody wants to give you a gift.
somebody wants to hug you.
somebody thinks you ARE a gift.
somebody admires your strength.
somebody wants to protect you.
somebody can't wait to see you.
somebody loves you for who you are.
somebody treasures your spirit.
somebody is glad that you are their friend.
somebody wants to get to know you better.
somebody wants to be near you.
somebody wants you to know they are there for you.
somebody would do anything for you.
somebody wants to share their dreams with you.
somebody is alive because of you.
somebody needs your support.
somebody will cry when they read this.
somebody needs you to have faith in them.
somebody trusts you.
somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.
Subject: Quality standards. They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they stated that they will only accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came in, there was an accompanying letter. It said, "We, Japanese, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured, and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
Subject: Health warning. C.N.N. reports a new virus has been discovered recently. One person can pass it on to millions as it is very contagious. The center for disease control has reported this week that the virus spreads very rapidly from one person to the next.
They have put a very interesting name on this virus. It is called...
a smile
--
o o
-
\__/
Uh! Oh! Too late!!!
I see it on your face already!
You've got the virus!!!!!!
Have a great day and pass it on!!!
Subject: Being Silent. One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
Help I am Not year 2000 ready.
After conducting a inventory, I realize that I need to order the
following.
* 12 Cases of beer
* 30 Packets of Corn chips
* 20 Packets of potato Chips
* 6 bottles of Vodka
* 30 bottles of orange juice.
* 50 litres of diet coke.
* 50 litres of regular coke.
* 200 sausage rolls.
* 20 cakes.
* 30 mattresses ( so nobody will need to drive home )
* 10 packets of condoms ---- just in case...
Subject: Jacob. Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray... "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue... "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A TICKET".
Subject: Seen anything like this? There was this Texan who died and went to heaven.
Upon arrival, the Texan could nothing but complain how much smaller things were in heaven than they were in Texas.
After days of complaining, God took the Texan and said "follow me."
He took the Texan to the Gates of Hell and said: "Have you ever seen anything like that in Texas?"
The Texan, in total dismay, replied... "Noooooooo!"
"But," the Texan said, "I've got a lot of friends in Houston who can put it out!"
Subject: Chivalry. "Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."
Subject: The 3 Toilets. A salesman was trying to sell toilets when 3 guys walk in.
The 1st man buys a wooden toilet.
The 2nd man buys a brick toilet.
The 3rd man buys a singing toilet.
A day later they came back for refunds.
The 1st man says, "Every time I sit on the toilet I get slivers!"
The 2nd man says, "Every time I sit on the toilet I get bruises!"
The 3rd man replies, "Every time I sit on the toilet it sings 'The Star Spangled Banner' and I have to stand up!!!"
Subject: A Sad Day. Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"
Subject: Sad Stories? Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!"
Subject: Bliss. Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
Subject: The Polar Bear. A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and.........
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.........tonic please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"
Polar Bear says, "Don't know. I've always had them."
Subject: A Case for the FBI. The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Subject: The judge. Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case strictly on its merits."
Subject: Something Terrible Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv:
"My wife's two hours late. She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident, ... or she's shopping. OY! I hope she's not shopping!"
Subject: Prayer. Dear Lord:
Thus far today you should be proud of me. I haven't gossiped, lost my temper, spoken in anger, been greedy, grumpy, selfish or over-indulgent. No ill feeling has entered my heart, nor have I begrudged another soul. I am very pleased with the way I have performed thus far. . .
However, in a few minutes, Lord, I will be getting out of bed to begin the day, and from that point on I will be in much need of your help and understanding. Thank you for being there for me. Amen
Subject: The IRS. One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Subject: Coffee Maker. Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; "how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Subject: Wishing Well! A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
Subject: Back to Nature! Deer hunting season is here... Here are the secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.
1:00 A.M. - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 A.M. - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 A.M. - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 A.M. - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. - Drive like a bat outta hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 A.M. - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 A.M. - Head into the woods.
6:05 A.M. - See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. - "Click."
6:08 A.M. - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 A.M. - Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. - Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. - Rescued.
12:55 P.M. - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 P.M. - Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 P.M. - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. - Load gun.
6:02 P.M. - Fire gun.
6:03 P.M. - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 P.M. - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 P.M. - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. - Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 P.M. - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. - Start walking.
6:30 P.M. - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 P.M. - Meet bear.
6:36 P.M. - Take aim.
6:37 P.M. - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. - Make mess in pants.
6:39 P.M. - Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to put it.
Subject: Drivers! Women drivers I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there's this woman in a Laser doing 120 kms per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, she's halfway over in my lane.
Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee!
And here's the other version...
Men Drivers I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror... shaving!!!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, he's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.
Subject: Hot Babe! Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.
I found a fairly easy fix for that though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"
It is the last time you hear that particular speaker phone, I can assure you.
Subject: White Wedding Dresses. A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Subject: Last Will. A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week."
Subject: The spiritualist! A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"
Subject: A lady writes! A lady writes:
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Subject: A Complicated Order. A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!"
Subject: Precise Age. Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
Subject: Trivia Questions from the year 2100. - What was the original name of the Russian island off the coast of Florida?
- When did New York City become the 52nd state?
- When was the national capital moved from Washington D.C. to Montana?
- What was money? When did they discontinue making currency under ten dollars?
- When did the prime rate last drop below 45%?
- In what year did the first-class postage rate go over a dollar?
- What are the chances of ratifying the ERA this year?
- What was the difference between the Ayatollah from Iran and the Iacocca from Detroit?
- When did the members of Congress first begin to make a million dollars a year?
- Where was the Panama Canal?
- How was Three Mile Canyon formed?
- In what year did Arizona become our western-most state?
Subject: Flowers. A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,...
"Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,...
'Congratulations on your new location!'"
Subject: The millionaire! A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Subject: The tip. After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house, Amanpreet asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Subject: Their Ancestors. The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Subject: Christmas Shopping. It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
Subject: Work! The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.
"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"
"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4PM and not 5PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11AM instead of 10AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"
Silence.
A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"
Subject: Holiday shopping. A mom and her eleven year old son are at a K-mart store shopping for gifts. The boy turns to his mom and asks, "How many people work in this store?"
The mom replies without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."
Subject: New Mercedes! Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Subject: Poker Game. Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when one of them loses $500 on a single hand and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, they complete their playing time standing up.
Now, who is going to tell the wife?
They draw straws, and Goldberg who is always a loser picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! I'm the most discreet guy you will ever meet.
Discretion is mine middle name. Leave it to me."
He goes to the apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
"Your husband just lost $500."
She hollers, "HE SHOULD ONLY DROP DEAD!"
I said, "He did!"
Subject: Where Grandmother Lives. When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."
Subject: Hands-On Experience. One day a bunch of workers were digging a hole. While the men were digging, there was a supervisor telling them where to dig. The men in the hole figured that the supervisor was getting paid more for doing less. They sent a worker up to ask the supervisor why this was the case.
The supervisor said, "Because I'm smarter than you. That's why!" The worker argued with this man for a while. So the supervisor pulled the worker aside and brought him to a nearby telephone pole. He put his hand on the telephone pole and said, "Hit my hand."
The worker said, "Nah, I ain't gonna hit your hand!" But the supervisor insisted.
So, the worker tightened his fist and tried to hit the supervisor's hand. But the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the telephone pole with full force, causing his hand to bleed. The supervisor said, "See. That's why I'm smarter than you."
The worker went back to the hole with his bloody hand and started digging again. The other workers came up to him and asked, "What did he say?" The worker replied, "Let's put it this way..." then he paused.
He looked around and said, "Well, there don't seem to be any telephone poles around here." So he put his hand in front of his face and said, "Alright, try to hit my hand."
Subject: Too Many. A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
Subject: Halo. St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"
St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
Subject: Bank circular to Customers. Please note that with the arrival of the new 'Drive-Thru' cashpoint machine, users will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicle.
To enable users to utilize this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances, and remember it for when you first use the machines.
Male Procedure
--------------
Drive up to cash machine
Wind down window
Insert card and enter PIN
Enter amount of cash to withdraw
Retrieve card, cash and receipt
Wind up window
Drive off
Female Procedure
----------------
Drive up to cash machine
Reverse back 1 foot to align window to machine
Stall engine
Wind down window
Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
Check make-up in rear view mirror
Attempt to insert card into machine
Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car to machine
Insert card
Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN number written on inside
Insert PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
Enter amount of cash to withdraw
Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
Retrieve cash and receipt
Locate purse and place cash inside
Locate cheque book to file receipt
Start car and drive forward for 6 feet
Reverse back to cash machine
Retrieve card
Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot
Recheck make-up
Stall engine
Restart engine and pull off
Drive for 3 miles
Release hand brake
Subject: Great! There was once a young man who, in his youth professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great", he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Subject: Vacation Pay. Date: January 1, 2000
Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Subject: A Really Good Sermon. After years of his wife's pleading, the rich, good old boy finally went with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself. It was such a damn good sermon, sir!"
"PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5,000 in that there collection plate."
"THE HELL YOU SAY."
Subject: Fishing. Stranger: "Catch any fish?"
Fisherman: "Did I! I took 30 out of this stream this morning!"
Stranger: "Do you know who I am? I'm the game warden."
Fisherman: "Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the country."
Subject: Happy Day. "Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
Subject: Twenty customers like you. A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
Subject: I'll dance on your grave. An old man and woman were constantly arguing about everything. The old woman kept repeating "I'll dance on your grave." "I'll dance on your grave."
Sure enough, the old man died first. His last request was that he be buried at sea.
Subject: Married Men Only. In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."
Subject: What is a Cat/Dog? What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Subject: Why ask why? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Subject: Wow, that's deep! A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.
After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.
"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"
Subject: Inspirational posters. 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
Subject: The VCR. I just had to tell you. My daughter is in retail, and the other day a woman
came in to bring her VCR in.
She put it on the counter and said it did not work.
My daughter said she would have it sent in to have it fixed.
The woman said she did not want it fixed.
They both stood and looked at each other and finally my daughter said,
"Look, I'm divorced. I don't have to read minds any more. What is it you
want me to do with this VCR?"
The woman got a new one.
Subject: A talk with God. Moses goes to see God and says:
"Please help me Lord, I'm just trying to make sure I understand you correctly.
We are the chosen people, right!
The Arabs get the oil and we get to cut the end off our what?"
Subject: Calling in sick. Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
You know where the button is." I protested through the shower(pitter- patter)." "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
Subject: It's Mine, All Mine! Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"
Subject: Mistaken Identity. A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
The police were dumfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Subject: Above All, Don't Panic. WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
If you receive a gift in the shape of a large Wooden horse, do not download it!! It is extremely destructive. It will overwrite your entire city!
The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates!
It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a "gift," DO NOT OPEN IT!
Wheel it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
Forward this message to everyone you don't know!
Poseidon
Subject: Email etiquette. The 10 Commandments of Email
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Subject: IQ test for professionals. IQ test for professionals. The rest of you can take this also.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong answer:
Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door.
Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door. This question tests your prudence and practicality.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend?
Correct answer:
The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside. This question tests whether or not you have comprehensive thinking skills.
If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualification to be a professional.
4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it?
Correct answer:
Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course).
Don't be frustrated if you failed this test. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most pre-schoolers got it correct, thus disproving the popular theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four-year old.
Subject: The camel. A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost.On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,"Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"The Sergeant replied,"Well sir,it's a long way from anywhere,and the men have sexual urges,so when they do... uh.. we have the camel.
"The Captain said,"Well,I suppose if it's good for morale,then I guess it's all right with me.
"After he had been stationed at the fort for six long,lonely months,the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer.He barked to his Sergeant:"BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!
"The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders,looked at the other men,and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters.Within a few minutes,the Captain emerged from his tent,fastening his trousers,almost beaming with pride.So,Sergeant,is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
"No, they normally ride it to town!"
Subject: I'm guessing you're not Alaskan. You may be Alaskan if:
1. Going to the store for milk can be life threatening.
2. Your town has no stray animals.
3. Most dogs in your area have a job in transportation.
4. You have a good supply of arctic wear AND mosquito repellent.
5. The schools or businesses don't give "Snow Days".
6. You have more problems with moose eating your bushes than with grasshoppers or beetles.
7. You have to plug in your car even though it isn't electric.
8. The Halloween pumpkin you carved in October doesn't go bad until April or May.
9. Short sleeves are considered appropriate wear in any temperature that doesn't have a - (minus) in front of it.
10. Living in the "boonies" or "out in the country" has a whole different meaning than in the Lower 48.
11. You sometimes have to wait for the bear to leave the yard before you can come in from the bathroom.
Still not sure? Here's more ways to tell:
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
Subject: Husbands. Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable, "one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."
"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace."
"Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is."
"How do you manage that?" the other two women ask.
"Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow."
Subject: 2 Quarters. Mother gave Billy 2 quarters. One was for his Sunday School offering. The other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.
Billy was flipping one quarter in the air and catching it on the way down. This happened 8 times or so when all of a sudden Billy missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.
Billy looked skyward and prayed, "Sorry, God."
Subject: Casinos. Q. What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are really serious!
Subject: The Optimistic View. Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son."
Father: "What's that?"
Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."
Subject: "Dear Son". Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:
Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which.
As for the flowers - we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that.
Write soon, Affectionately,
Father.
Subject: At church. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
Subject: The Pastor. After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of you," he smiled, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."
Subject: The New Car. "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car.
He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years."
Subject: True facts about Coco Cola. Just when you thought you knew everything...
To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl.
Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
To clean corrosion from car battery terminals:
Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
To bake a moist ham:
Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
To remove grease from clothes:
Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF!
(FYI... the active ingredient in coke is phosphoric acid. its pH is 2.8.it will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!)
Subject: Chinese Jews. There were a group of New York Jews touring several cities in China.
One day in Beijing, they happened down a side street and one spotted a Star of David hanging in front of what appeared to be a synagogue. With considerable curiosity, one member of the party stuck his head inside, and sure enough, it was a synagogue, and a service was in progress. Quietly, the New Yorkers entered and seated themselves to enjoy the Chinese service.
When the services came to an end, all the Chinese Jews rose and were filing out, the Rabbi was out front shaking hands, and thanking members for coming when he noticed group of New York Jews.
He smiled and said, "And who might you kind souls be?" The leader of the New York group explained that they were a group of American Jews travelling the lovely country of China and were somewhat surprised to find a synagogue in China, but had thoroughly enjoyed the service.
At this point, the Chinese Rabbi interrupted and said, "B-b-b-but you don't rook Jewish!!"
Subject: Your name. The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said,
"Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
Subject: Customer service. Bob works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."
He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Subject: Stormy Day. A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"My radio is broken."
Subject: The Anniversary. A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
Subject: Ring. A Hong Kong hospital has suspended a surgeon after a patient complained he used a mobile telephone while performing an operation.
... Maybe he was trying an operator assisted operation? ...
The patient told local media he heard the phone conversation, about a car, while he was under local anaesthetic at the hospital in May. Queen Mary Hospital said it was considering disciplining the surgeon and had apologized to the patient...
... And he's heard this ringing sound in his stomach ever since the operation ...
Subject: 105. A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Subject: Eyesight. The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
Subject: The Violin. Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.
Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
Subject: The Closet. A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.
Subject: Gunpowder. A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gun powder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren,and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Subject: UNION RULES. A dedicated union shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame,... gesturing to an ugly fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "...but Sadie there has seniority!"
Subject: A restaurant. This guy walks into a restaurant and orders chicken soup from the waiter.
He gets it and starts eating.
All of a sudden he gets up and leaves, the waiter sees him and starts running after him.
He follows him into a brothel and says to the lady behind the counter.
"A man just walked in here - bald head blue suite where did he go"?
The lady says "I'm sorry I can't give you that information.
"OK here's twenty bucks where did he go?
"Upstairs first door on your left".
He gets there and breaks the door down and sees the guy face down in one of the girls's crotch.
He breaks him free and says "Hay you never paid for your soup!"
The guy says"THAT'S right , I found a hair in my soup"
The waiter says"you found a hair in your soup and now your eating that"?
"that's right and if I find a noodle in there I ain't paying for that either"
Subject: Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child. Feeling the Baby Move
First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letters to our family.
Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.
Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.
The Trip to the Hospital
First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.
Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive herself because I didn't want her bleeding on the carpet.
Pacifier Falls on Floor
First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it by boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it cools down for ten minutes, she gives it back to the child.
Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on it to cool it down, and gives it back to the child
Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to the child.
Fourth child: Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back to the child.
Subject:Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
Subject: Praise the Lord. My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."
Subject: Questions. A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
Subject: The Conductor. A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.
Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling.
According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.
Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.
This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.
Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket.
He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.
At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - "what is it with the bananas?"
"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."
Subject: With love. The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper.
Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, this is for you, Daddy.
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He yelled at her, Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside it?
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, Oh, Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy.
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family or God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
Subject: Space Pen. The Americans wanted to find a writing implement that could be used in space. It took 200 engineers and they spend over $2 billion to finally come out with a space pen. This pen could write in zero gravity and the ink would still flow. NASA proudly announced their success and congratulations flowed in from all over the globe.
In a short note to NASA, the Russians congratulated them but said that they too have found a solution at a fraction of the cost spend by the Americans. We use a pencil.
Subject: The sermon. A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
Subject: The Grave. A sailor, after placing some flowers on a grave in a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave, and asked, "What time do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend come up to smell the flowers."
Subject: The plane trip. It was Judi's first plane trip. Boarding the aircraft she settled into a window seat in the non-smoking section. A man came over and politely said, "Ma'am, you're in my seat." "Go away and find another seat!" she replied. He said, "Okay, fine, you fly the plane."
Subject: Looking for easy work? This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:
1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and head wear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.
8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease.
9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor's private office.
All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.
11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
Subject: A Deep Voice. A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!
Subject: A Space Shuttle Bar Mitzvah. A safari Bar Mitzvah was being done too often, so the father of the boy arranged to rent the shuttle from NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a lot of attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.
The first person off the shuttle was the grandma, and the reporters asked, "How was the service?"
Grandma answered, "OK".
"How was the boy's speech?"
"OK."
"How was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere!"
Subject: Three Corporate Lessons. Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung as actually thawing him out.
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
Summary:
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling . . .
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Subject: Politically Incorrect. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" "
Subject: Why God Never. Why God Never Received Tenure at a University...
#Because he had only one major publication.
#And it was in Hebrew.
#And it had no cited references.
#And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
#And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
#It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
#The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
#He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
#He expelled his first two students for learning.
#Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
#His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Subject: Wishful Thinking. A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
Subject: The Letter. A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope, addressed to God.
He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings - $200 have been stolen. She will be cold & hungry this Easter without divine intervention.
He organizes the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $180 to donate. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it:
"Dear God, Thank you for the $180 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise.
P.S. It was $20 short but that was probably those thieving workers at the Post Office."
Subject: Feeding Time? During the last car pool the subject was teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli and if they were jumping and snapping at it I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
Subject: Capital Punishment. Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
Subject: Computer Bumper Snickers. Don't make me use uppercase.
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume.
Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission.
Murphy's best friend was a computer.
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
Subject: Politics. Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red!
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.
P.A. [still later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren't you going to do anything?
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir? Please, Sir?
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.
P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the WHOLE moon red!
Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there, with plenty of white paint, and paint "Coca-Cola" across it.
Subject: Tomorrow never comes. A sign outside a barber's shop said, "COME IN TOMORROW FOR A FREE HAIRCUT".
Steve saw it and went back the next day for his free haircut.
"Can't you read?" said the barber. "It says come back tomorrow!"
Subject: Beware Of Snakes. Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"
"Why, yes we are", says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!!!"
Subject: Money can't buy everything. Money can buy a house, but not a home
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not a hearty appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy medicine, but not health.
Money can buy romance, but not love.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
You see, money can't really buy anything that people really need.
Therefore, please send all of your money to me immediately, and I will dispose of it properly for you. It's not helping you, anyway.
Subject: The Barber. A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. " So,where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced" "So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"
Subject: Diet Excuses. My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Subject: 100. Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."
Subject: Israel's Independence. Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."
Subject: Classic. An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great," says the actor, "what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it's a one-liner." "That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent. "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening."
The actor is so excited he got the job, that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the heck are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar?' You're late, get up to makeup straight away."
So, he runs up to makeup. "Who the heck are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? You're late, sit down here." Then, she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."
So, he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'." "You're 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'? Get on there, the curtains about to go up!"
So, he runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts, "What the hell was that?!"
Subject: Never Argue. A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media.
"Excuse me, sir," on of the reporters said, "but how did you come to live to 150?"
"It's actually quite simple," the old feller replied. "I just never argue."
"That's impossible," the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!"
The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.
"Hmmm," he finally shrugged, "maybe you're right."
Subject: The Worst Job. "Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"
"It's the worst job I ever had."
"How long have you been there?"
"About three months."
"Why don't you quit?"
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home."
Subject: You've Got Mail. A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, vivacious female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again.
She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
Subject: Did you know? * Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
* Pearls melt in vinegar.
* The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: MARLBORO, COCA-COLA, and BUDWEISER, in that order.
* It's possible to lead a cow up stairs, but not down stairs.
* Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
* The sentence, The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog, uses every letter in the alphabet. It was developed by Western Union to test their TELEX system.
* Stewardesses is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand on a QWERTY keyboard.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
* I AM. The shortest complete sentence in the English language.
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
* The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and some figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
* Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - KING DAVID; Clubs - ALEXANDER THE GREAT; Hearts - CHARLEMAGNE; and Diamonds - JULIUS CAESAR.
* 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
* Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
* The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
* The name JEEP came from the abbreviation used in the army for the GENERAL PURPOSE vehicle... G.P.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
* If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
* Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
* Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
* The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
* The Eisenhower Interstate Highway system in the United States requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
* There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
* All of the clocks in the movie PULP FICTION are stuck on 4:20.
Subject: Murphy's First Law. * Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to bump you into the next tax bracket and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Subject: Soap Opera. I can't come to the phone right now. All my Children are Young and Restless so I have to Search for Tomorrow and today to find them.
I am praying that the Guiding Light will remind them that the Days of Our Lives are growing short. They will wind up in General Hospital with Only One Life to Live if they're not careful. And if they don't straighten up as sure As the World Turns I'm going to put them in Another World! So leave a message at the beep and I will call you as soon as I get back from Port Charles.
Subject: Friends. Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.
"You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation."
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.
"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's playing football."
Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.
"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours."
Sam returned in 12 hours.
"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.
"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied.
"He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"
Subject: How much is a billion? What's the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire?
A million seconds is 13 days.
A billion seconds is 31 years!
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
Subject: Elevator. A white lady on a business trip arrived in LA during the heat of the riots. She was very nervous and distressed for her safety, and feared danger lurked around every corner.
After checking in at the front desk she walked to the elevator, to discover there were already three black men on it. She quickly debated whether to wait for the next elevator. Suddenly she realized, "This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men in the middle of a reputable hotel."
he then stepped into the elevator and quickly turned her back on the three men. Shortly after the door closed she heard one of the men say, "Hit the floor, lady." She immediately dropped to her stomach in terror. Upon her quick dive for the floor the three men broke into hysterical laughter. She then finally realized the man had simply meant for her to select the floor she wished to go to.
At the end of her stay she went to check out and pay for her room. To her confusion the clerk explained her room had already been taken care of. He handed her a note, explaining it had been left by the person who had picked up her tab.
The note simply read:
Thanks for the best laugh I've ever had in an elevator!
Eddie Murphy
Subject: In laws. The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they're stationed.
Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it.
Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away.
Subject: Slap of Luxury. An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
"Of course I do," was the haughty reply.
"Do you have a fax machine?"
The Rolls driver sighed. "I have that too."
"Do you have a double bed in the back?" the MG driver wanted to know.
Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the Mg's rear window.
"I want you to know that I've had a double bed installed," bragged the Rolls river.
The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
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