 Bull's Eye, Wrong Bull!
Old.
Diagnosis.
The genie.
What?
If your job is on the line.
Bragging.
Football.
Quality standards.
Health warning.
Being Silent.
Help I am Not year 2000 ready.
Jacob finds himself in dire trouble.
Seen anything like this?
Chivalry.
Downloads.
The 3 Toilets.
A Sad Day.
Sad Stories?
Bliss.
The Polar Bear.
A Case for the FBI.
The judge.
Thought for the day!
The Station.
Something Terrible
Prayer.
The IRS.
Coffee Maker.
Wishing Well!
The Name Game!
Back to Nature!
Drivers!
Hot Babe!
White Wedding Dresses.
Last Will.
The spiritualist!
A lady writes!
A Complicated Order.
Precise Age.
Trivia Questions.
Flowers.
The millionaire!
The tip.
Evian.
Their Ancestors
Christmas Shopping.
Work!
Holiday shopping.
New Mercedes!
Poker Game.
Where Grandmother Lives.
Hands-On Experience.
Downloads!
Too Many.
Halo.
When God Gave Out.
Bank circular to Customers.
Yesterday.
Great!
Vacation Pay.
A Really Good Sermon.
Fishing.
Happy Day.
Twenty customers like you.
I'll dance on your grave.
Married Men Only.
Monkey business???
What is a Cat/Dog?
Why ask why?
Wow, that's deep!
Inspirational posters.
The VCR.
A talk with God.
Calling in sick.
It's Mine, All Mine!
Mistaken Identity.
Above All, Don't Panic.
Email etiquette.
IQ test for professionals.
The camel.
I'm guessing you're not Alaskan.
Husbands.
2 Quarters.
Casinos.
The Optimistic View.
"Dear Son".
At church.
The Pastor.
The New Car.
True facts about Coco Cola.
Chinese Jews.
Your name.
Customer service.
Stormy Day.
The Anniversary.
Ring.
105.
Eyesight.
The Violin.
The closet.
How does a.
What are the strings.
Gunpowder.
Union rules.
What's the difference.
Why was.
How do you circumcise?
This guy walks.
Birth Order.
How do you tell.
Praise the Lord.
Questions.
The Conductor.
With love.
Space Pen.
The sermon.
The Grave.
Toothpaste.
The plane trip.
Looking for easy work?
A Deep Voice.
A Space Shuttle Bar Mitzvah.
Three Corporate Lessons.
Politically Incorrect.
Why God Never.
Wishful Thinking.
The Letter.
Mothers.
Feeding Time?
Capital Punishment.
Computer Bumper Snickers.
Politics.
Tomorrow never comes.
Beware Of Snakes.
Money can't buy everything.
The Barber.
Diet Excuses.
100.
Israel's Independence.
Honest mechanic?
Classic.
Before & After Marriage.
Never Argue.
The Worst Job.
You've Got Mail.
Did you know?
Murphy's First Law.
Soap Opera.
Friends.
How much is a billion?
Elevator.
In laws.
Slap of Luxury.
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 Top
Subject: Bull's Eye, Wrong Bull!
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station skipping recruit training. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base.
All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"
Top
Subject: Old.
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement and new knees. I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia.
I have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I have lost all my friends. But thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.
Top
Subject: Diagnosis.
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Top
Subject: The genie.
One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle.
Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie.
"What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
Top
Subject: What?
"Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
Whereupon they both hung up.
Top
Subject: IF YOUR JOB IS ON THE LINE.
The boss calls four of his employees into the office: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay."
Top
Subject: Bragging.
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Top
Subject: Football.
This teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a very special relationship. At football matches even though the son was always on the bench, and his father never missed a game, he was always in the stands cheering. This young man was still the smallest of the class when he entered high school. His father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn't want to. But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. He was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he'd get to play when he became a senior. All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game, but remained a bench warmer all four years. His faithful father was always in the stands, always with words of encouragement for him.
When the young man went to college, he decided to try out for the football team as a "walk-on." Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did. The coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart and soul into every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed.
The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father. His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games. This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college, but he never got to play in the game. It was the end of his senior football season, and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big play off game, the coach met him with a telegram. The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent.
Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, "My father died this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?" The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said, "Take the rest of the week off, son. And don't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday."
Saturday arrived, and the game was not going well. In the third quarter, when the team was ten points behind, a silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his football gear. As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were astounded to see their faithful teammate back so soon. "Coach, please let me play. I've just got to play today," said the young man. The coach pretended not to hear him. There was no way he wanted his worst player in this close playoff game. But the young man persisted, and finally feeling sorry for the kid the coach gave in. "All right," he said. "You can go in."
Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never played before was doing everything right. The opposing team could not stop him.
He ran, he passed, blocked and tackled like a star. His team began to triumph. The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this kid intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown. The fans broke loose. His teammates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such cheering you've never heard!
Finally, after the stands had emptied and the team had showered and left the locker room, the coach noticed that the young man was sitting quietly in the corner all alone. The coach came to him and said, "Kid, I can't believe it. You were fantastic! Tell me what got into you? How did you do it?"
He looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Well, you knew my dad died, but did you know that my dad was blind?" The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, "Dad came to all my games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show him I could do it!"
SO - REMEMBER...
somebody is very proud of you.
somebody is thinking of you.
somebody is caring about you.
somebody misses you.
somebody wants to talk to you.
somebody wants to be with you.
somebody hopes you are not in trouble.
somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
somebody wants to hold your hand.
somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
somebody wants you to be happy.
somebody wants you to find him/her.
somebody wants to give you a gift.
somebody wants to hug you.
somebody thinks you ARE a gift.
somebody admires your strength.
somebody wants to protect you.
somebody can't wait to see you.
somebody loves you for who you are.
somebody treasures your spirit.
somebody is glad that you are their friend.
somebody wants to get to know you better.
somebody wants to be near you.
somebody wants you to know they are there for you.
somebody would do anything for you.
somebody wants to share their dreams with you.
somebody is alive because of you.
somebody needs your support.
somebody will cry when they read this.
somebody needs you to have faith in them.
somebody trusts you.
somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.
SOMEBODY NEEDS YOU TO SEND THIS TO THEM
Top
Subject: Quality standards.
They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they stated that they will only accept three defective parts per 10,000.
When the delivery came in, there was an accompanying letter. It said, "We, Japanese, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured, and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
Top
Subject: Health warning.
C.N.N. reports a new virus has been discovered recently. One person can pass it on to millions as it is very contagious. The center for disease control has reported this week that the virus spreads very rapidly from one person to the next.
They have put a very interesting name on this virus. It is called...
a smile
Uh! Oh! Too late!!!
I see it on your face already!
You've got the virus!!!!!!
Have a great day and pass it on!!!
Top
Subject: Being Silent.
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night."
Top
Subject: Help.
Dear ITS department,
Help I am Not year 2000 ready.
After conducting a inventory, I realize that I need to order the
following.
* 12 Cases of beer
* 30 Packets of Corn chips
* 20 Packets of potato Chips
* 6 bottles of Vodka
* 30 bottles of orange juice.
* 50 litres of diet coke.
* 50 litres of regular coke.
* 200 sausage rolls.
* 20 cakes.
* 30 mattresses ( so nobody will need to drive home )
* 10 packets of condoms ---- just in case...
Top
Subject: Jacob.
Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray... "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue... "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A TICKET".
Top
Subject: Seen anything like this?
There was this Texan who died and went to heaven.
Upon arrival, the Texan could nothing but complain how much smaller things were in heaven than they were in Texas.
After days of complaining, God took the Texan and said "follow me."
He took the Texan to the Gates of Hell and said: "Have you ever seen anything like that in Texas?"
The Texan, in total dismay, replied... "Noooooooo!"
"But," the Texan said, "I've got a lot of friends in Houston who can put it out!"
Top
Subject: Chivalry.
"Your Honor, my wife is just being ridiculous. Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Mr. Smith," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce. I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 65 mph."
Top
Subject: Downloads.
Rather than send everyone an attachment file,
they are ready at:
downloads.htm
- check it out!
They include:
Greetings! (385K)
New office chair as supplied by the boss! (38K)
Evolution! (34K)
New splash screen! (24K)
New splash screen! (18K)
New splash screen! (24K)
New splash screen! (11K)
New splash screen! (20K)
New splash screen! (22K)
Drag and drop! (28K)
Cute! (16K)
Cute! (20K)
A gift! (263K)
How Your PC Looks Under Water! (53K)
Catfood! (1177K)
Don't Drink and Fly - Happy Halloween! (14K)
Think positive! (20K)
Your kind of woman?! (36K)
Evolution! (34K)
Fish in a bowl! (334K)
Mafia application form! (98K)
Enjoy...
Top
Subject: The 3 Toilets.
A salesman was trying to sell toilets when 3 guys walk in.
The 1st man buys a wooden toilet.
The 2nd man buys a brick toilet.
The 3rd man buys a singing toilet.
A day later they came back for refunds.
The 1st man says, "Every time I sit on the toilet I get slivers!"
The 2nd man says, "Every time I sit on the toilet I get bruises!"
The 3rd man replies, "Every time I sit on the toilet it sings 'The Star Spangled Banner' and I have to stand up!!!"
Top
Subject: A Sad Day.
Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."
"I'd like that."
"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"The how come you look so glum?"
"This week - nothing!"
Top
Subject: Sad Stories?
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!!!"
Top
Subject: Bliss.
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
Top
Subject: The Polar Bear.
A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin and.........
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
.....................................................................
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.....................................................................
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.........tonic please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"
Polar Bear says, "Don't know. I've always had them."
Top
Subject: A Case for the FBI.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
Top
Subject: The judge.
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case strictly on its merits."
Top
Subject: Thought for the day!
| Word | When you rearrange the letters |
| ------------------------------------------------------------- |
| Dormitory | Dirty Room |
| Evangelist | Evil's Agent |
| Desperation | A Rope Ends It |
| The Morse Code | Here Come Dots |
| Slot Machines | Cash Lost in 'em |
| Animosity | Is No Amity |
| Mother-in-law | Woman Hitler |
| Snooze Alarms | Alas! No More Z's |
| Alec Guinness | Genuine Class |
| Semolina | Is No Meal |
| The Public Art Galleries | Large Picture Halls, I Bet |
| A Decimal Point | I'm a Dot in Place |
| The Earthquakes | That Queer Shake |
| Eleven plus two | Twelve plus one |
| Contradiction | Accord not in it |
| |
| AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART |
| Year Two Thousand | A Year To Shut Down!! |
Top
Subject: The Station.
A bus station is where a bus stops,
A train station is where a train stops,
and on my desk I have a work station...
Top
Subject: Something Terrible
Overheard at a hotel in Tel Aviv:
"My wife's two hours late. She's probably been kidnapped, or in a terrible auto accident, ... or she's shopping. OY! I hope she's not shopping!"
Top
Subject: Prayer.
Dear Lord:
Thus far today you should be proud of me. I haven't gossiped, lost my temper, spoken in anger, been greedy, grumpy, selfish or over-indulgent. No ill feeling has entered my heart, nor have I begrudged another soul. I am very pleased with the way I have performed thus far. . .
However, in a few minutes, Lord, I will be getting out of bed to begin the day, and from that point on I will be in much need of your help and understanding. Thank you for being there for me. Amen
Top
Subject: The IRS.
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boys gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
Top
Subject: Coffee Maker.
Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; "how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Top
Subject: Wishing Well!
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
Top
Subject: The Name Game!
"What would the (name of professional/worker) name his son/daughter?"
| PROFESSION | | NAME |
| Lawyer's daughter: | | Sue |
| Thief's son: | | Rob |
| Lawyer's son: | | Will |
| Doctor 's son: | | Bill |
| Meteorologist's daughter: | | Haley |
| Steam shovel operator's son: | | Doug |
| Hair Stylist's son: | | Bob |
| Homeopathic doctor's son: | | Herb |
| Justice of the peace's daughter: | | Mary |
| Sound stage technician's son: | | Mike |
| Hot-dog vendor's son: | | Frank |
| Gambler's daughter: | | Bette |
| Exercise guru's son: | | Jim |
| Cattle Thief's son: | | Russell |
| Painter's son: | | Art |
| Iron worker's son: | | Rusty |
| TV show star's daughter: | | Emmy |
| Movie star's son: | | Oscar |
| Barber's son: | | Harry |
Top
Subject: Back to Nature!
Deer hunting season is here... Here are the secret diary entries from last years deer hunt.
1:00 A.M. - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 A.M. - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 A.M. - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 A.M. - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. - Drive like a bat outta hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 A.M. - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 A.M. - Head into the woods.
6:05 A.M. - See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. - "Click."
6:08 A.M. - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 A.M. - Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. - Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. - Realize you don't know where camp is.
Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. - Rescued.
12:55 P.M. - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 P.M. - Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 P.M. - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. - Load gun.
6:02 P.M. - Fire gun.
6:03 P.M. - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 P.M. - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 P.M. - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. - Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 P.M. - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. - Start walking.
6:30 P.M. - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 P.M. - Meet bear.
6:36 P.M. - Take aim.
6:37 P.M. - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. - Make mess in pants.
6:39 P.M. - Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to put it.
Top
Subject: Drivers!
Women drivers
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there's this woman in a Laser doing 120 kms per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, she's halfway over in my lane.
Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee!
And here's the other version...
Men Drivers
I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror... shaving!!!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, he's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.
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Subject: Hot Babe!
Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.
I found a fairly easy fix for that though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"
It is the last time you hear that particular speaker phone, I can assure you.
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Subject: White Wedding Dresses.
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
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Subject: Last Will.
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arraignments. As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week."
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Subject: The spiritualist!
A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."
"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"
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Subject: A lady writes!
A lady writes:
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
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Subject: A Complicated Order.
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!"
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Subject: Precise Age.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
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Subject: Trivia Questions from the year 2100.
- What was the original name of the Russian island off the coast of Florida?
- When did New York City become the 52nd state?
- When was the national capital moved from Washington D.C. to Montana?
- What was money? When did they discontinue making currency under ten dollars?
- When did the prime rate last drop below 45%?
- In what year did the first-class postage rate go over a dollar?
- What are the chances of ratifying the ERA this year?
- What was the difference between the Ayatollah from Iran and the Iacocca from Detroit?
- When did the members of Congress first begin to make a million dollars a year?
- Where was the Panama Canal?
- How was Three Mile Canyon formed?
- In what year did Arizona become our western-most state?
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Subject: Flowers.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,...
"Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,...
'Congratulations on your new location!'"
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Subject: The millionaire!
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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Subject: The tip.
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house, Amanpreet asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
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Subject: Evian.
If you've ever wondered how people could spend $2.00 on a little bottle of Evian water, just spell Evian backwards.
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Subject: Their Ancestors.
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
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Subject: Christmas Shopping.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
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Subject: Work!
The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.
"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"
"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4PM and not 5PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11AM instead of 10AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"
Silence.
A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"
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Subject: Holiday shopping.
A mom and her eleven year old son are at a K-mart store shopping for gifts. The boy turns to his mom and asks, "How many people work in this store?"
The mom replies without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."
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Subject: New Mercedes!
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
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Subject: Poker Game.
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when one of them loses $500 on a single hand and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, they complete their playing time standing up.
Now, who is going to tell the wife?
They draw straws, and Goldberg who is always a loser picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! I'm the most discreet guy you will ever meet.
Discretion is mine middle name. Leave it to me."
He goes to the apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
"Your husband just lost $500."
She hollers, "HE SHOULD ONLY DROP DEAD!"
I said, "He did!"
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Subject: Where Grandmother Lives.
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."
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Subject: Hands-On Experience.
One day a bunch of workers were digging a hole. While the men were digging, there was a supervisor telling them where to dig. The men in the hole figured that the supervisor was getting paid more for doing less. They sent a worker up to ask the supervisor why this was the case.
The supervisor said, "Because I'm smarter than you. That's why!" The worker argued with this man for a while. So the supervisor pulled the worker aside and brought him to a nearby telephone pole. He put his hand on the telephone pole and said, "Hit my hand."
The worker said, "Nah, I ain't gonna hit your hand!" But the supervisor insisted.
So, the worker tightened his fist and tried to hit the supervisor's hand. But the supervisor pulled his hand away, and the worker hit the telephone pole with full force, causing his hand to bleed. The supervisor said, "See. That's why I'm smarter than you."
The worker went back to the hole with his bloody hand and started digging again. The other workers came up to him and asked, "What did he say?" The worker replied, "Let's put it this way..." then he paused.
He looked around and said, "Well, there don't seem to be any telephone poles around here." So he put his hand in front of his face and said, "Alright, try to hit my hand."
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Subject: Downloads!
Hi,
Rather than send everyone an attachment file,
they (36 of them!) are ready at:
Downloads.
- check it out!
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Subject: Too Many.
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
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Subject: Halo.
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"
St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
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Subject: When God Gave Out.
When God gave out brains,
I thought He said trains,
And I said I'd take the next one.
When God gave out looks,
I thought He said books,
And I didn't want any.
When God gave out noses,
I thought He said roses,
And I ordered a big one.
When God gave out legs,
I thought He said kegs,
So I ordered two fat ones.
When God gave out ears,
I thought He said beers,
So I ordered two long ones.
When God gave out chins,
I thought He said gins,
So I said, "Give me a double."
God, am I a mess.
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Subject: Bank circular to Customers.
Please note that with the arrival of the new 'Drive-Thru' cashpoint machine, users will be able to withdraw cash without having to leave their vehicle.
To enable users to utilize this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up.Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances, and remember it for when you first use the machines.
Male Procedure
--------------
Drive up to cash machine
Wind down window
Insert card and enter PIN
Enter amount of cash to withdraw
Retrieve card, cash and receipt
Wind up window
Drive off
Female Procedure
----------------
Drive up to cash machine
Reverse back 1 foot to align window to machine
Stall engine
Wind down window
Enter handbag and remove make-up bag and locate card
Check make-up in rear view mirror
Attempt to insert card into machine
Open door to allow easier access to machine, due to distance from car to machine
Insert card
Re-enter handbag to find cigarette packet with PIN number written on inside
Insert PIN, press cancel and re-enter PIN
Enter amount of cash to withdraw
Check make-up and hair in rear view mirror
Retrieve cash and receipt
Locate purse and place cash inside
Locate cheque book to file receipt
Start car and drive forward for 6 feet
Reverse back to cash machine
Retrieve card
Locate card holder in purse and enter card into slot
Recheck make-up
Stall engine
Restart engine and pull off
Drive for 3 miles
Release hand brake
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Subject: Yesterday.
Yesterday,
All those back ups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my data base has gone away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
Hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
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Subject: Great!
There was once a young man who, in his youth professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great", he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
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Subject: Vacation Pay.
Date: January 1, 2000
Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing.
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Subject: A Really Good Sermon.
After years of his wife's pleading, the rich, good old boy finally went with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
"I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself. It was such a damn good sermon, sir!"
"PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
"Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5,000 in that there collection plate."
"THE HELL YOU SAY."
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Subject: Fishing.
Stranger: "Catch any fish?"
Fisherman: "Did I! I took 30 out of this stream this morning!"
Stranger: "Do you know who I am? I'm the game warden."
Fisherman: "Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the country."
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Subject: Happy Day.
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
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Subject: Twenty customers like you.
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."
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Subject: I'll dance on your grave.
An old man and woman were constantly arguing about everything. The old woman kept repeating "I'll dance on your grave." "I'll dance on your grave."
Sure enough, the old man died first. His last request was that he be buried at sea.
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Subject: Married Men Only.
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."
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Subject: Monkey business???
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,...
all on different limbs,... at different levels,...
some climbing up.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
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Subject: What is a Cat/Dog?
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
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Subject: Why ask why?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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Subject: Wow, that's deep!
A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex.
After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.
"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.
"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"
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Subject: Inspirational posters.
20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
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Subject: The VCR.
I just had to tell you. My daughter is in retail, and the other day a woman
came in to bring her VCR in.
She put it on the counter and said it did not work.
My daughter said she would have it sent in to have it fixed.
The woman said she did not want it fixed.
They both stood and looked at each other and finally my daughter said,
"Look, I'm divorced. I don't have to read minds any more. What is it you
want me to do with this VCR?"
The woman got a new one.
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Subject: A talk with God.
Moses goes to see God and says:
"Please help me Lord, I'm just trying to make sure I understand you correctly.
We are the chosen people, right!
The Arabs get the oil and we get to cut the end off our what?"
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Subject: Calling in sick.
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
You know where the button is." I protested through the shower(pitter- patter)." "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
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Subject: It's Mine, All Mine!
Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"
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Subject: Mistaken Identity.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
The police were dumfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
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Subject: Above All, Don't Panic.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
If you receive a gift in the shape of a large Wooden horse, do not download it!! It is extremely destructive. It will overwrite your entire city!
The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates!
It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a "gift," DO NOT OPEN IT!
Wheel it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
Forward this message to everyone you don't know!
Poseidon
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Subject: Email etiquette.
The 10 Commandments of Email
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
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Subject: IQ test for professionals.
IQ test for professionals. The rest of you can take this also.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong answer:
Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door.
Correct answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door. This question tests your prudence and practicality.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend?
Correct answer:
The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside. This question tests whether or not you have comprehensive thinking skills.
If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualification to be a professional.
4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it?
Correct answer:
Swim |
