Subject: Kill the Messenger. A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:
"Tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
Subject: The Russians. FIFA has just announced that this years Champions League will only be played by teams with a squad of 11 players.
This is as a mark of respect to the Russians who have no subs left.
Subject: Usher's Revenge. A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers,... "The wife was the one that did it".
Subject: A Computer Scientist. A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell. As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams. There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.
"What do you think of hell?" asked the devil. "Wonderful" said the computer scientist, "give me a few discs and let me try these machines out."
"That's the hell of it," grinned the devil. "We've got no software down here."
Subject: A Really Nasty Divorce. A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
Subject: Clothing. "Anyone in the clothing business will agree that men are smarter than women.
Did you ever see a man buy a shirt that buttons in the back?"
Subject: Been There - Done That! In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
Subject: How to Bathe a Cat. 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Subject: Weather Vane. To Tell the weather,
Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
Subject: The Bathtub. Walking down main street in a *very* rural West Virginia town, two local men met a Catholic nun who's arm was in a sling.
"What's wrong with your arm, sister?" asked one local.
"It's broken in three places," the nun replied.
"How did it happen?" asked the second West Virginian, now wide eyed.
"I slipped in a bathtub," answered the nun.
After leaving, the first local man asked the other, "What's a bathtub?"
"Heck, I don't know," said his friend, "I ain't no Catholic!"
Subject: The Pledge. Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"My wife and I were married 75 years ago.
On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.
Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
Subject: The Will. A man went to his lawyer and said,
"I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looks somewhat upset...
"Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"
Subject: The Wishing Well. A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over and made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said,
"It really works!"
Subject: Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires. 10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Just between us, the Michelin Man is a woman."
1. "You can't recall a better tire."
Subject: The Price of Chicken. Mrs. Stein entered a kosher poultry store and asked the price of stewing chickens.
"One dollar and forty cents a pound," said the butcher.
"One dollar and forty cents!" shrieked Mrs. Stein. "Why, just around the corner Ellenberger sells for one dollar and thirty-six cents a pound."
"If Ellenberger sells stewing chickens for one dollar thirty-six a pound, why don't you buy there?" asked the butcher impatiently.
"Because he happens to be out of them today."
"Look, lady," said the butcher, "as soon as I run out of stewers, I'll sell them to you for only twelve cents a pound -- and you can't beat that price anywhere!"
Subject: Living in the 00's. You know you're living in the 00's when:
1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5.You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6.You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8.You consider the Australia Post painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail".
9.Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. Who do you want to work for today.
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
33. Your dining room table is now used as your flat filing cabinet.
34. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
36. You call your son's cell to let him know it's time to eat and he text messages you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
37. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
38. You chat several times a day with a stranger from Norway, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
39. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a web page.
40. Your son/daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
41. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
42. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
43. Your grandmother e-mails you asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a new screen saver on her grape color iMac.
44. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
45. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
46. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
47. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
48. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
49. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
50. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
51. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
52. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
53. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
Subject: Bathroom Scales. Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What's it for?" one asked. "I don't know," the other replied.
"I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
Subject: "What Did You Do?" A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process.
Each person is required to state his former occupation, tell his history and their early salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "OK, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"
Subject: Fighting. "I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done?"
"My aim is much better than yours."
Subject: The Border. Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four" replies the Italian official "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Subject: Campaign 2000. Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature.
Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything."
Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.
Subject: UN! A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning.
The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village.
The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes -- no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?" The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, cajun fries and case of beer." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?" He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive Champagne and I'd also like a big plate of escargot cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill and he is then thrown in the pot.
The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?" The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can.
With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals. The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN for reacting to insufficient provocation!"
Subject: The Movie. Plans are underway right here at NBC for a TV movie based on the life of Jesus.
Well, you saw how accurate that 'Noah's Ark' thing was.
Can you even shoot that in L.A.? Where are you gonna find three wise men and a virgin?
Subject: The Rules of Chocolate. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
Subject: An engineer. A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.
One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.
Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet. "The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs.
He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.
After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me, " she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, anymore," the woman said, huskily.... The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here!!??!!"
Subject: The Car. "There's trouble with the car," said the wife. "It has water in the carburetor."
"Water in the carburetor?" replied the husband. "That's ridiculous."
"I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."
"You don't even know what a carburetor is," said the husband.
"I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the pool."
Subject: The promotion. The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
Subject: Faith Always Helps. The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
Subject: Driver Education. As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"
Subject: Snow emergency. Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again Ole replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replied, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage today."
Subject: Oil. There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer:
It's simple...
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn't know we were getting low.
And of course the reason for that is geographical.
Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
Subject: Give me my Drink. A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy wench! Where is my drink!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey, wench! Bring me my coke."
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
Subject: It's Fixed! My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".
Subject: The drought. One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.
"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.
"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."
"Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"
Subject: Work. A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...
"Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence... then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
Subject: Your Question. A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits.
Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.
Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.
Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.
Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"
Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."
Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the dirt."
"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"
"That's your question," said Thompson as he took the money.
Subject: Miss America. In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example", he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."
Subject: More Attention. A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States!!!"
Subject: Politically Incorrect Humor on Election 2000. Fifty-million cases of Viagra just arrived at a dock in California.
They addressed to "Americans" from "Japan" with a note that says only, "So sorry to hear you can't have an election!"
Subject: The potato. I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it.
Then she put it back on my plate and said,
"Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
Subject: World War II. It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy.
The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet.
"My God; the cook's working for the Germans!"
Subject: Bull's Eye. A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree.
Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke.
"I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.
Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke.
"I hereby admit you into my service."
The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued.
"You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
Subject: Dinner. A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night.
The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
Subject: IRS. Moshe Shochad, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well....we also deliver."
Subject: A policeman. A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot,overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on.
Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, 'Yes, Officer?'
'What are you doing?' the policeman asked.
'What does it look like?' answered the young man.
'I'm reading this magazine.'
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, 'And what is she doing?'
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, 'I think she's knitting a sweater.'
Confused, the officer asked, 'How old are you, young man?'
'I'm nineteen,' he replied.
'And how old is she?' asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said,
'Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen.'
Subject: How Many. A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'"
Subject: Childlike Perspective. A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" the mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adams's underwear!"
Subject: The Littlest Fireman. Get out your hankies.
The 26-year-old mother stared down at her son who was dying of leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent she wanted her son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that.
But she still wanted her son's dreams to come true. She took her son's hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"
"Mommy, I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up." Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true."
Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix, Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob Klein, who had a heart as big as Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her six-year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
The fireman said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy one - with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix, so we can get them fast."
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his fire uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. Billy was "in heaven."
There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode the different fire engines, the paramedic's van and even in the fire chief's car. He was also video taped for the local news program.
Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a fireman, so she called the fire chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire? It's just the fire department coming to see one of it's finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital, extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window, and 16 firefighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they loved him.
With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?"
"Billy, you are," the chief said. With those words, Billy smiled and closed his eyes one last time, as the fireman all stood around the bed with their hands to their foreheads in silent salute and with tears running down their cheeks.
Subject: Two cats. A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred
"I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked:
"How many times?"
Subject: My ex-mother-in-law. This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.
Subject: A conversation. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings, a man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year -- it's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present.
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Subject: Wedding. At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
Subject: Help. My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
Subject: Blacksmith. The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith...
Subject: Out Of Touch. I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers & one weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
Subject: Miracles. For those of us who are hoping for the miracle, here are the odds:
1.The odds of winning the California Super Lotto Jackpot are 1 in 18 million.
2.The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 15 million.
3.The odds of winning the Lotto Jackpot are about 1 in 14 million.
4.If one person purchases 50 Lotto tickets each week, they will win the jackpot about once every 5,000 years.
5.If a car gets 25 miles per gallon, and a gallon of gas is bought for every Lotto ticket bought, there will be enough gas for about 750 round trips to the moon before the jackpot is won.
6.It is three times more likely for a person driving ten miles to buy a Lotto ticket to be killed in a car accident than to win the jackpot.
Subject: Clergy. A fellow was coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed this person by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The fellow replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Subject: The Castle. A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered and nothing's been replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said the New York woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have!"
Subject: Trained. A mouse returned from the laboratory to his cage and told a fellow mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Snooker trained."
"You have?" asked the other.
"Yes" explained the first mouse.
"Now every time I press down a bar, he gives me food."
Subject: Change. Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Subject: Dead. During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
Subject: The Magician. "What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
"He's a magician," said the new boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yep... one half brother and two half sisters."
Subject: The Undertaker. An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in front of his premises, and went to inform the police. He asked the officer in charge, "What shall I do with it?"
"Do with it? Bury it, of course. You are an undertaker, aren't you?"
"Certainly I am, but I thought I should come round and inform the relatives first."
Subject: Contempt. A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now" Replied the young man, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
Subject: Having Lunch. Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats-- nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... haven't seen one back since!"
Subject: Benefits of Being a Woman. 1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
Subject: The Lawyer. An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
Subject: A computer salesman. A computer salesman is trying to sell a customer a new AI (Artificial Intelligence) based computer that, with proper internet connections, can answer any question. The customer is intrigued, but is skeptical and wants to test it out.
The customer asks the computer where his mother is. After a few seconds the computer says his mother is in France on a short vacation. The customer is amazed that the computer is right.
The salesman, very proud of his computer, pushes for the sale. The customer says he wants one more test before writing the check. He asks where his father is. After a few seconds the computer responds that his father is in New York on a business trip.
The customer frowns and tells the salesman that his father has been dead for 2 years. The computer, hearing this, spits out some more information: No, your mother's husband has been dead for 2 years, your father is on a business trip in New York.
Subject: Dreams. A muslim, a christian, and a Jew were once walking together through a desert.
They were tired and hungry, so when an old, dilapidated shack came into view, they eagerly made their way inside, and were greeted by an old man. They all jumped on him with their requests for a bit of food, but were told that he only has one bowl of soup to spare. It was decided that since they all wanted it, the one who would awaken in the morning with the best dream would be the one to get the soup.
The next morning, the muslim wakes up, and relates his dream:
"Mohammed came to me in my sleep and told me that I, being the one chosen to ensure the existence of the Islamic religion, should get to drink the soup."
The christian then told his dream: "JC came to me in my dream and told me that I am deemed the rightful one to drink the soup, so therefore, please give it to me. "
They look around, expecting to hear the Jew's dream now, but he's nowhere to be found. Upon further investigation, they discovered him still fast asleep in bed, obviously his dream wasn't over yet. When he finally did awake some time afterwards, the other men asked him about his dream. "Well, "the Jew begins, "in my dream I had Moses come to me, and he told me simply to 'eat the soup'. A Jew always heeds the advice of our elders and sages, without any questions asked. So I did just that. I got out of bed, drank the soup ( it was quite good!), and went back to bed.!"
Subject: A Government Employee & Genie. A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
Subject: What's The Difference? As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
Subject: Famous Offspring. Picture these mothers with these famous offspring:
Alexander the Great's mother: "How many times do I have to tell you you can't have everything you want in this world!"
Franz Schubert' mother: "Take my advice, son. Never start anything you can't finish."
Achilles' mother: "Stop imagining things. There's nothing wrong with your heel."
Madame de Pompadour's mother: "For heaven's sake, child, do something about your hair!"
Sigmund Freud's mother: "Stop pestering me! I've told you a hundred times the stork brought you!"
Subject: If. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
When dog food is new and improved, who is the person snorting lines claiming that this is the case?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Subject: Knowledge. The old rabbi was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
The old rabbi said, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"
"Ahh, yes sir...."
Subject: The printer. When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.
"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things."
Subject: MARRIAGE QUOTES. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always...
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer...
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible...
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Subject: The States. The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
Subject: Speeding. Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Subject: I Don't Want to Scare You. The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said... "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is going to get a spanking..."
Subject: The Car. "There's trouble with the car," said the wife. "It has water in the carburetor."
"Water in the carburetor?" replied the husband. "That's ridiculous."
"I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."
"You don't even know what a carburetor is," said the husband.
"I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the pool."
Subject: Collectibles. Showing his friend around his his home, Myrddin started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
Subject: An eight year old boy. An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a packet of sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
Subject: Three Travellers. Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were
amazed.
"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
Subject: Robert and Richard. Robert and Richard shot a rabbit.
Can you say "Robert and Richard shot a Rabbit" without any R's?
Ok, the answer's WAY down below, take a few minutes to see if you can figure it out. If you think you have it, scroll down, and check it. If you can't figure it out, you can scroll down and check it!
. . . . . . . . . . .
Ok, here's the answer for those who think they have it, or those who are cheaters who couldn't figure it out!
The Answer is...
"Bob and Dick shot a Bunny!"
Subject: Men in Heaven. Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men that were ruled by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were ruled by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Subject: The Men's Department. A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"
Subject: Paradise. A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
Subject: Message Received. Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Subject: Family. Norman and Esther, newly married friends of mine, were visiting us when the topic of children came up.
Esther said she wanted three children, while Norman said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, his new wife retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
Subject: Insurance. Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with another barn, just like the original one."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
Subject: SERIOUS - Not just for girls. One of those forwards that seems worth passing on ... was sent to me by a good friend. Apparently someone attended a self-defense class and wrote down this info to pass on to her friends. I think it applies not only to women, and not only to rape. Read and retain!
He and the others in this group interviewed a bunch of rapists and date rapists in prison on what they look for and here's some interesting facts:
The #1 thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly.The #1 outfit they look for is overalls because many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing and on overalls the straps can be easily cut.
They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.
The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 a.m. The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.
The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught. Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming. These men said they will not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon.
So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.
Several defense mechanisms he taught us are:
* If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk, I can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter. Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a lineup, you lose appeal as a target.
* If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target. If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
* If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If they grab your wrist, pull your wrist back so your hand is in waving position (palm facing forward) and twist it toward yourself and pull your arm away. It is hard to hold onto wrist bones that are moving in that way. They stumble toward you and you stumble back, so you can use that momentum to bring the same hand out and backhand him with your knuckles in the forehead, nose or teeth.
* If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh. HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it. It hurts.
* After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy there it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.
* When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.
Please forward this to any woman you know, it's simple stuff that could save her life.
Subject: Lethal. A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all; and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
Subject: Great Works of Efficiency. Pythagorean theorem: 24 words -
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words. -
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words. -
The 10 Commandments: 179 words. -
Lincoln's Gettysburg address: 286 words. -
The U.S. Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words. -
The U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.
Subject: Sub Update. Russian Sub News Update Moscow - January 09, 2001
The Russian News Agency reported today that the Russian Navy had made another successful entry into the sunken nuclear submarine Kursk. Divers recovered eight more bodies, three more notes, and seventeen Florida absentee ballots marked for Gore.
Subject: Fire. A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.
The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy.
"Where's the fire?" called the chief.
"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole.
"But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?"
Subject: Police. A young man was taking a verbal test to join the local police force.
The question asked, "If you were driving a police car, alone on a lonely road at night, and were being chased by a gang of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?"
The young man answered without a second's thought: "Seventy!"
Subject: Teamwork. Panting and sweating, two men on a tandem bicycle finally made it to the top of a steep hill.
"That has got to be the toughest climb ever," said the front rider.
"Sure was," replied the second, "and if I hadn't kept the rear brake on the whole time, we might have slid back down, backwards!"
Subject: Riding a bicycle. How is sex like riding a bicycle?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere
2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.
4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.
6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It's best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.
16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.
18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes.
Subject: The Van Gogh Family Tree. After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh
Subject: "The First Time." I'll never forget the first time I took it in my mouth...
I fiercely tore open its prison walls. I was surprised when it slid out into my hand, but I quickly adapted to the feel of it in my hand. I held it gently, careful that it didn't melt under my touch before I could really enjoy it. I held it to my nose and inhaled deeply, permanently storing its unique scent in my memory.
I gently ran my tongue across the ever-so-subtle ridge before taking it deeply into my mouth. I took it in my mouth as far as it would go. It took all of my strength to resist the urge to swallow it whole! My tongue worked on its sweet shell until I could finally start to taste its slightly salty filling...
The quickness took me by surprise, and I moaned in approval, even though I hoped it would have lasted longer. I held the last few morsels on my tongue, savoring the taste before swallowing it all. I smiled, already looking forward to the next time...
: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : Thank goodness Reese's peanut butter cups are sold in packages of two!
Subject: Frog. A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bartop - the bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for? the guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. the bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again. So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar.
The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog. The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her. his wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table.
The wife asks, why the hell are you showing me this?
The bartender says, cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the fuck outta here.
Subject: A First Grade teacher. A First Grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each
kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with
the rest. These are great:
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have
To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.
Subject: Three bulls. Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
Subject: GOTTA LOVE THOSE TEXANS! A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed."
"Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches."
"Wow, around?"
"No, ma'am. Through."
"Well, then, sir. What about your waist?"
"It's 28 inches."
"Around?"
"No, ma'am. Through."
"Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your ahh, private,you know."
"You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!"
"Wow, " said the woman. "Through?!"
"Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!!!"
Subject: Chinese Sex. A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, and finds 4 other Chinese men.
Subject: My Kinda Girl. While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked "Do you keep stationery ?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can... until the last few minutes, then I just go plain wild."
Subject: The Janitor. George came home one day, very excited. "Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Jean. "They say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!" Jean responded, "That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her."
Subject: The Short Cut Home. Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Subject: Computer Problem Report Form. 1. Describe your problem:
_______________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
_______________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
_______________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to
fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
Subject: 10 Ways to Know If You Have PMS. 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. Your using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Subject: A Dang Good Bird Dog. Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure", responded Bob, "how many ducks are there boy?". The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5000 and all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
"Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said "You are such a fool." Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
"Well, shit" Bill said, "this dog is useless." Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT. That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a fucking stick at."
Subject: The Screw. It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies, politely, that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw, I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby. So, he asks Carrie's father to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
Subject: First Date. A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her.
Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening. Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates.
To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the football, and Mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her nether regions. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.
No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.
At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."
After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind."
"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?"
"Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid.'
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching the match.'"
Subject: A 60 year old woman. A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.
"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"
Subject: 3 Priests. There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,
and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
Subject: Two guys. These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again! They were best friends and decided they'd move up to Alaska... as far north as they could go, and never even look at a woman again.
When they arrived, they went into a trading store and said to the burly man, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got all the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in the middle that was surrounded by fur. The two guys asked, "What's that board for"? The trader replied, "Well I gotta tell ya, where you're going there sure as hell ain't no women there and you just might need this". They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well, you just take the boards with you and, if'n you don't use them, I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said, "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Hey, weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah", said the guy. "So where is he?" asked the trader. "Oh, I shot him", said the guy. "Why'd you do that?"
"I caught the son-of-a-bitch in bed fuck'n with my board!"
Subject: A Fleas Trip to Florida. A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy inside her underwear that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
Subject: Bobby's Date. It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Subject: A seaman. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."
Subject: Last Minute Instructions. A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores. "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
Subject: The Pope. The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'."
A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
Subject: MONEY FOR SEX. A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him, "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch with his wife.
She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going too".
"Why?" She asked.
He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year".
Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is On The Rocks 10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
And the Number One Sign Your Relationship Is On The Rocks...
1. Her cat pees on you. And receives a reward.
Subject: Two tall trees. Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Subject: Mothers-in-law get such bad press - wonder why? Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother.
I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my Grandchildren. Lord knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. But then, I guess you two do save a lot of money shopping for their clothes at the Salvation Army surplus stores and all.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would never let you come. Why, I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I broke my cane beating off a gang of muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and actually kind-of grateful since the frost on my bed numbs my constant pain.
Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year; as well as all those designer clothes your gold-digger demands you buy her.
Give my love to my darling Grand babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one who stole you screaming and kicking from a loving home, and dragged you up to that God forsaken lawless Sodom she calls a state.
Happy New Year.
Love, MOM
Subject: A party. So this lady is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out... caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all.
The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Subject: THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ? 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
1) 116 years. From 1337 to 1453
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria -- Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936, he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
Subject: Ad in Paper. The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - - R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
Subject: Manchester United. Manchester United Alex Ferguson is watching a rather tame game at struggling Doncaster when he spots a young lad with real potential. Keen to build on his continued success by developing young talented players he approaches the lad and offers him a contract.
The day comes when the lad is about to play in his first game. Alex calls him aside to firm up on the details of the contract: "Right then lad, I've decided to start you on a salary of 5,000 per week."
The lad replies "5,000 per week !!!!!, I was lucky to get 250 at Doncaster!"
Ferguson continues " Well we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think big! I've also arranged a house for you, a 7 bed detached in Wilmslow... set in 5 acres with its own pool and tennis courts."
The lad is ecstatic "7 bed detached!!!!!, I only got a council flat at Doncaster!"
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think big!
I've also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari F50 for the weekend."
The lad is on cloud nine "A Jag and a Ferrari !!!!!, I only had a Reliant Robin at Doncaster!"
Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think big!
Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be surprised if I pull you off at half time."
The lad can't believe it "Pull me off at half time !!!!!!, I only got an orange at Doncaster!"
Subject: A Russian couple. A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said". Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?". "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"!
Subject: Jimmy, David and Tom. Jimmy the Irishman, David the Polish man and Tom the German visited a strip joint.
The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a g-string.
David (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her ass cheek.
Tom (trying to show up David) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it on her other ass cheek.
Jimmy pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the 20 and the 50 in his wallet.
Subject: Can you believe this?! Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
...And were succeeded by Southerners.
...Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Subject: A tough day. A man comes home for a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says " Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The women gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says "Clumsy bitch."
Subject: 2 Homosexuals. Two homosexuals are chatting.
One says to the other:
"Shall we go back to Greece?"
And the other replies:
"Why, what's wrong with Vaseline?"
Subject: Going To The Bank. A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
Subject: Sure Thing, Babe. A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, Babe," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, Honey," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Damn, Baby!" the skinhead cried, "do you think I'm made of bricks or somethin'!"
Subject: Clothes. Wife: "Look at the old clothes I have to wear. If anyone came to visit, they would think I was the cook!"
Husband: "Well, they'd change their mind if they stayed for dinner!"
Subject: Payment. A salesman telephoned his blonde customer. "Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment."
"But,", the blonde protested, "You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months..."
Subject: A tattoo. This lady goes to get a tattoo. she told him i would like a turkey on my right thigh. So the guy goes ahead and does it. the next week the same lady comes in and asks for a tattoo of santa on her left thigh so he does it and she leaves. the next week she see's the tattoo guy in the grocery store and he asks her. last week i forgot to ask but, what's with the strange tattoo's and she said my husband wants something good to eat between thanksgiving and christmas.
Subject: Paging Dad. My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was "it."
After a few minutes, I was able to locate all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but couldn't find me.
Finally one of my sons got a bright idea. He went to the phone and dialed; they found me immediately because my pager started beeping.
Subject: Really Bad News. The aliens landed in Washington, DC, where they were given a hero's welcome. They were honored at a banquet at the White House and treated to a tour of the capitol. After a day and a night of talking with the politicians and the press, the aliens returned to their home planet.
"Bad news," said the returning alien leader to his boss. "We wasted all that time and we still don't know if there is intelligent life on Earth."
Subject: Biggest Steaks in Town. Morris had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Morris was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," a very embarrassed Morris said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this???"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window..."
Subject: Intrigued. While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
Subject: A young woman. There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest replied "No, but at least it will wipe that smile off your face."
Subject: Thief. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
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