 Kill the Messenger.
The Russians.
Usher's Revenge.
A Computer Scientist.
A Really Nasty Divorce.
Clothing.
Spell Chequer.
Been There - Done That!
How to Bathe a Cat.
Weather Vane.
Tatiana.
The Bathtub.
The Pledge.
The Will.
The Wishing Well.
Slogans for Firestone Tires.
The Price of Chicken.
Living in the 00's.
Bathroom Scales.
"What Did You Do?"
Fighting.
The Border.
Campaign 2000.
UN!
The Movie.
The Rules of Chocolate.
An engineer.
The Car.
The promotion.
Faith Always Helps.
Driver Education.
Snow emergency.
Oil.
Give me my Drink.
It's Fixed!
The drought.
Work.
Your Question.
Miss America.
More Attention.
Election 2000.
The potato.
World War II.
Bull's Eye.
Dinner.
IRS.
A policeman.
How Many.
Childlike Perspective.
The Littlest Fireman.
Two cats.
My ex-mother-in-law.
A conversation.
Wedding.
Help.
Blacksmith.
Out Of Touch.
Miracles.
Clergy.
The Castle.
Trained.
Change.
Dead.
The Magician.
The Undertaker.
Contempt.
Having Lunch.
Benefits of Being a Woman.
The Lawyer.
A computer salesman.
Dreams.
A Government Employee & Genie.
What's The Difference?
Famous Offspring.
If.
Knowledge.
The printer.
MARRIAGE QUOTES.
The States.
Speeding.
I Don't Want to Scare You.
The Car.
Collectibles.
An eight year old boy.
Three Travellers.
Robert and Richard.
Men in Heaven.
The Men's Department.
Paradise.
Message Received.
Family.
Insurance.
SERIOUS - Not just for girls.
Lethal.
Great Works of Efficiency.
Sub Update.
Fire.
Police.
Marital Bliss.
Teamwork.
Riding a bicycle.
The Van Gogh Family Tree.
"The First Time."
Frog.
A First Grade teacher.
Three bulls.
GOTTA LOVE THOSE TEXANS!
Chinese Sex.
My Kinda Girl.
The Janitor.
The Short Cut Home.
Computer Problem Report Form.
If You Have PMS.
A Dang Good Bird Dog.
The Screw.
First Date.
A 60 year old woman.
3 Priests.
Two guys.
A Fleas Trip to Florida.
Bobby's Date.
A seaman.
Last Minute Instructions.
The Pope.
MONEY FOR SEX.
Relationship Is On The Rocks.
Two tall trees.
The detroit red wings.
Mothers-in-law.
A party.
THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ?
Ad in Paper.
Manchester United.
A Russian couple.
Jimmy, David and Tom.
Can you believe this?!
Irish.
A tough day.
2 Homosexuals.
Going To The Bank.
Sure Thing, Babe.
Mummy.
Clothes.
Payment.
A tattoo.
Paging Dad.
Really Bad News.
Why do women have periods?
Biggest Steaks in Town.
Intrigued.
A young woman.
Thief.
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Subscribe to Harry's FREE REGULAR OR JEWISH jokes via email here.
Harry's Jokes might contain adult language.
I try to keep the jokes clean, but sometimes one is way too good to pass up.
If you are offended by such, please do not read the jokes or subscribe to the mailing list.
Privacy/Disclosure Policy
 Top
Subject: Kill the Messenger.
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and commanded him:
"Tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
Top
Subject: The Russians.
FIFA has just announced that this years Champions League will only be played by teams with a squad of 11 players.
This is as a mark of respect to the Russians who have no subs left.
Top
Subject: Usher's Revenge.
A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers,... "The wife was the one that did it".
Top
Subject: A Computer Scientist.
A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell. As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams. There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.
"What do you think of hell?" asked the devil. "Wonderful" said the computer scientist, "give me a few discs and let me try these machines out."
"That's the hell of it," grinned the devil. "We've got no software down here."
Top
Subject: A Really Nasty Divorce.
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
Top
Subject: Clothing.
"Anyone in the clothing business will agree that men are smarter than women.
Did you ever see a man buy a shirt that buttons in the back?"
Top
Subject: Spell Chequer.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Top
Subject: Been There - Done That!
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."
Top
Subject: How to Bathe a Cat.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The Dog
Top
Subject: Weather Vane.
To Tell the weather,
Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
Top
Subject: Tatiana.
What did Tatiana Gregorieva say when after she won the silver medal?
"It wasn't my vault... it was the pole."
Top
Subject: The Bathtub.
Walking down main street in a *very* rural West Virginia town, two local men met a Catholic nun who's arm was in a sling.
"What's wrong with your arm, sister?" asked one local.
"It's broken in three places," the nun replied.
"How did it happen?" asked the second West Virginian, now wide eyed.
"I slipped in a bathtub," answered the nun.
After leaving, the first local man asked the other, "What's a bathtub?"
"Heck, I don't know," said his friend, "I ain't no Catholic!"
Top
Subject: The Pledge.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.
"My wife and I were married 75 years ago.
On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.
Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.
Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
Top
Subject: The Will.
A man went to his lawyer and said,
"I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looks somewhat upset...
"Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"
Top
Subject: The Wishing Well.
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over and made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said,
"It really works!"
Top
Subject: Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires.
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Just between us, the Michelin Man is a woman."
1. "You can't recall a better tire."
Top
Subject: The Price of Chicken.
Mrs. Stein entered a kosher poultry store and asked the price of stewing chickens.
"One dollar and forty cents a pound," said the butcher.
"One dollar and forty cents!" shrieked Mrs. Stein. "Why, just around the corner Ellenberger sells for one dollar and thirty-six cents a pound."
"If Ellenberger sells stewing chickens for one dollar thirty-six a pound, why don't you buy there?" asked the butcher impatiently.
"Because he happens to be out of them today."
"Look, lady," said the butcher, "as soon as I run out of stewers, I'll sell them to you for only twelve cents a pound -- and you can't beat that price anywhere!"
Top
Subject: Living in the 00's.
You know you're living in the 00's when:
1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5.You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6.You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8.You consider the Australia Post painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail".
9.Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "0" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. Who do you want to work for today.
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
32. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
33. Your dining room table is now used as your flat filing cabinet.
34. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
36. You call your son's cell to let him know it's time to eat and he text messages you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
37. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
38. You chat several times a day with a stranger from Norway, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
39. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a web page.
40. Your son/daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
41. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
42. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
43. Your grandmother e-mails you asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a new screen saver on her grape color iMac.
44. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
45. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
46. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
47. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
48. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
49. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE...
50. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
51. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
52. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
53. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
Top
Subject: Bathroom Scales.
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
"What's it for?" one asked. "I don't know," the other replied.
"I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
Top
Subject: "What Did You Do?"
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process.
Each person is required to state his former occupation, tell his history and their early salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "OK, you may enter."
He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?"
Top
Subject: Fighting.
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do."
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
"When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
"What good would that have done?"
"My aim is much better than yours."
Top
Subject: The Border.
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four" replies the Italian official "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
Top
Subject: Campaign 2000.
Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature.
Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything."
Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.
Top
Subject: UN!
A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning.
The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village.
The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes -- no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?" The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, cajun fries and case of beer." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.
The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?" He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive Champagne and I'd also like a big plate of escargot cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill and he is then thrown in the pot.
The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?" The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can.
With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals. The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?" The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN for reacting to insufficient provocation!"
Top
Subject: The Movie.
Plans are underway right here at NBC for a TV movie based on the life of Jesus.
Well, you saw how accurate that 'Noah's Ark' thing was.
Can you even shoot that in L.A.? Where are you gonna find three wise men and a virgin?
Top
Subject: The Rules of Chocolate.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
Top
Subject: An engineer.
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree.
One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. "I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?" "Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?" "Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man. "There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.
Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter." "To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said. "Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!" "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas." Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet. "The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs.
He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. "You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable." As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.
After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds. "Tell me, " she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!" "Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, anymore," the woman said, huskily.... The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean...you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here!!??!!"
Top
Subject: The Car.
"There's trouble with the car," said the wife. "It has water in the carburetor."
"Water in the carburetor?" replied the husband. "That's ridiculous."
"I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."
"You don't even know what a carburetor is," said the husband.
"I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the pool."
Top
Subject: The promotion.
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging . . . "
"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "
"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"
"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
Top
Subject: Faith Always Helps.
The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."
Top
Subject: Driver Education.
As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.
One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"
Top
Subject: Snow emergency.
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again Ole replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replied, "Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the garage today."
Top
Subject: Oil.
There are a lot of folks that can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer:
It's simple...
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
Didn't know we were getting low.
And of course the reason for that is geographical.
Most of the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
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Subject: Give me my Drink.
A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.
"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"
The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.
Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy wench! Where is my drink!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.
The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey, wench! Bring me my coke."
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
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Subject: It's Fixed!
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".
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Subject: The drought.
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.
"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.
"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."
"Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"
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Subject: Work.
A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting...
"Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence... then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
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Subject: Your Question.
A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits.
Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.
Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.
Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.
Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"
Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."
Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the dirt."
"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"
"That's your question," said Thompson as he took the money.
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Subject: Miss America.
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example", he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."
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Subject: More Attention.
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States!!!"
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Subject: Politically Incorrect Humor on Election 2000.
Fifty-million cases of Viagra just arrived at a dock in California.
They addressed to "Americans" from "Japan" with a note that says only, "So sorry to hear you can't have an election!"
Top
Subject: The potato.
I went out to this restaurant not long ago and met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato, and smacked it.
Then she put it back on my plate and said,
"Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
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Subject: World War II.
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy.
The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet.
"My God; the cook's working for the Germans!"
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Subject: Bull's Eye.
A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants; he came across a tree.
Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke.
"I must find him!"
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.
Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."
"That is truly astonishing," said the duke.
"I hereby admit you into my service."
The boy thanked him profusely.
"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued.
"You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it."
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Subject: Dinner.
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night.
The waiter tells them the night's special is almond chicken and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
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Subject: IRS.
Moshe Shochad, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well....we also deliver."
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Subject: A policeman.
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot,overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on.
Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked.The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, 'Yes, Officer?'
'What are you doing?' the policeman asked.
'What does it look like?' answered the young man.
'I'm reading this magazine.'
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, 'And what is she doing?'
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, 'I think she's knitting a sweater.'
Confused, the officer asked, 'How old are you, young man?'
'I'm nineteen,' he replied.
'And how old is she?' asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said,
'Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen.'
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Subject: How Many.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'"
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Subject: Childlike Perspective.
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" the mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adams's underwear!"
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Subject: The Littlest Fireman.
Get out your hankies.
The 26-year-old mother stared down at her son who was dying of leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent she wanted her son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that.
But she still wanted her son's dreams to come true. She took her son's hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"
"Mommy, I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up." Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true."
Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix, Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob Klein, who had a heart as big as Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her six-year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
The fireman said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy one - with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix, so we can get them fast."
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his fire uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. Billy was "in heaven."
There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode the different fire engines, the paramedic's van and even in the fire chief's car. He was also video taped for the local news program.
Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a fireman, so she called the fire chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire? It's just the fire department coming to see one of it's finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital, extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window, and 16 firefighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they loved him.
With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?"
"Billy, you are," the chief said. With those words, Billy smiled and closed his eyes one last time, as the fireman all stood around the bed with their hands to their foreheads in silent salute and with tears running down their cheeks.
Top
Subject: Two cats.
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred
"I'll die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked:
"How many times?"
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Subject: My ex-mother-in-law.
This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door.
Top
Subject: A conversation.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings, a man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year -- it's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present.
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Top
Subject: Wedding.
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
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Subject: Help.
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
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Subject: Blacksmith.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith...
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Subject: Out Of Touch.
I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager. I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers & one weekly one. I watch both the local & network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
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Subject: Miracles.
For those of us who are hoping for the miracle, here are the odds:
1.The odds of winning the California Super Lotto Jackpot are 1 in 18 million.
2.The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 15 million.
3.The odds of winning the Lotto Jackpot are about 1 in 14 million.
4.If one person purchases 50 Lotto tickets each week, they will win the jackpot about once every 5,000 years.
5.If a car gets 25 miles per gallon, and a gallon of gas is bought for every Lotto ticket bought, there will be enough gas for about 750 round trips to the moon before the jackpot is won.
6.It is three times more likely for a person driving ten miles to buy a Lotto ticket to be killed in a car accident than to win the jackpot.
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Subject: Clergy.
A fellow was coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed this person by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The fellow replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
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Subject: The Castle.
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered and nothing's been replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said the New York woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I have!"
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Subject: Trained.
A mouse returned from the laboratory to his cage and told a fellow mouse, "I've finally got Dr. Snooker trained."
"You have?" asked the other.
"Yes" explained the first mouse.
"Now every time I press down a bar, he gives me food."
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Subject: Change.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
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Subject: Dead.
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
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Subject: The Magician.
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
"He's a magician," said the new boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yep... one half brother and two half sisters."
Top
Subject: The Undertaker.
An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in front of his premises, and went to inform the police. He asked the officer in charge, "What shall I do with it?"
"Do with it? Bury it, of course. You are an undertaker, aren't you?"
"Certainly I am, but I thought I should come round and inform the relatives first."
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Subject: Contempt.
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now" Replied the young man, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
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Subject: Having Lunch.
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything -- noise, spray, cats-- nothing seems to scare them away."
Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they still won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... haven't seen one back since!"
Top
Subject: Benefits of Being a Woman.
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
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Subject: The Lawyer.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
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Subject: A computer salesman.
A computer salesman is trying to sell a customer a new AI (Artificial Intelligence) based computer that, with proper internet connections, can answer any question. The customer is intrigued, but is skeptical and wants to test it out.
The customer asks the computer where his mother is. After a few seconds the computer says his mother is in France on a short vacation. The customer is amazed that the computer is right.
The salesman, very proud of his computer, pushes for the sale. The customer says he wants one more test before writing the check. He asks where his father is. After a few seconds the computer responds that his father is in New York on a business trip.
The customer frowns and tells the salesman that his father has been dead for 2 years. The computer, hearing this, spits out some more information: No, your mother's husband has been dead for 2 years, your father is on a business trip in New York.
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Subject: Dreams.
A muslim, a christian, and a Jew were once walking together through a desert.
They were tired and hungry, so when an old, dilapidated shack came into view, they eagerly made their way inside, and were greeted by an old man. They all jumped on him with their requests for a bit of food, but were told that he only has one bowl of soup to spare. It was decided that since they all wanted it, the one who would awaken in the morning with the best dream would be the one to get the soup.
The next morning, the muslim wakes up, and relates his dream:
"Mohammed came to me in my sleep and told me that I, being the one chosen to ensure the existence of the Islamic religion, should get to drink the soup."
The christian then told his dream: "JC came to me in my dream and told me that I am deemed the rightful one to drink the soup, so therefore, please give it to me. "
They look around, expecting to hear the Jew's dream now, but he's nowhere to be found. Upon further investigation, they discovered him still fast asleep in bed, obviously his dream wasn't over yet. When he finally did awake some time afterwards, the other men asked him about his dream. "Well, "the Jew begins, "in my dream I had Moses come to me, and he told me simply to 'eat the soup'. A Jew always heeds the advice of our elders and sages, without any questions asked. So I did just that. I got out of bed, drank the soup ( it was quite good!), and went back to bed.!"
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Subject: A Government Employee & Genie.
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF! He's back in his government office.
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Subject: What's The Difference?
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.
"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."
I asked, "What's the difference??"
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
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Subject: Famous Offspring.
Picture these mothers with these famous offspring:
Alexander the Great's mother: "How many times do I have to tell you you can't have everything you want in this world!"
Franz Schubert' mother: "Take my advice, son. Never start anything you can't finish."
Achilles' mother: "Stop imagining things. There's nothing wrong with your heel."
Madame de Pompadour's mother: "For heaven's sake, child, do something about your hair!"
Sigmund Freud's mother: "Stop pestering me! I've told you a hundred times the stork brought you!"
Top
Subject: If.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
When dog food is new and improved, who is the person snorting lines claiming that this is the case?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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Subject: Knowledge.
The old rabbi was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
The old rabbi said, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"
"Ahh, yes sir...."
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Subject: The printer.
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.
"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things."
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Subject: MARRIAGE QUOTES.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always...
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer...
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible...
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
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Subject: The States.
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.
They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.
One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
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Subject: Speeding.
Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?
The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
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Subject: I Don't Want to Scare You.
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said... "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is going to get a spanking..."
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Subject: The Car.
"There's trouble with the car," said the wife. "It has water in the carburetor."
"Water in the carburetor?" replied the husband. "That's ridiculous."
"I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."
"You don't even know what a carburetor is," said the husband.
"I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the pool."
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Subject: Collectibles.
Showing his friend around his his home, Myrddin started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
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Subject: An eight year old boy.
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a packet of sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two packets of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"
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Subject: Three Travellers.
Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.
"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.
"I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.
"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were
amazed.
"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see.
"My watch is missing."
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Subject: Robert and Richard.
Robert and Richard shot a rabbit.
Can you say "Robert and Richard shot a Rabbit" without any R's?
Ok, the answer's WAY down below, take a few minutes to see if you can figure it out. If you thin |