 Miss Annabell.
Home from school.
A passer-by.
A Gynecologist.
At 4am.
We can do anything....
An indian boy.
Definition.
A nun get pregnant.
Raggedy Anne.
An old man.
An old couple.
Little Jimmy.
A honeymooning couple.
An out-of-towner.
A guy driving.
Drunk.
Japanese Banking Crisis.
Mona.
Apology.
Airplanes.
Fat Free Fries.
Golden wedding anniversary.
Grandpa.
Math Quiz.
Wishing Well.
Iraqui TV guide.
Networking.
Wedding Gift.
Prayer.
The Pilot.
I know the password.
Football Game.
Black-African Americans.
Dear John,.
Russian History.
Traffic court.
Lot's Wife.
Rembrandt.
Mistletoe.
QUOTES From The 1950's.
What is it?
A little boy.
The Images of Mother.
Downloads
Vote!
Fair Play.
Picture.
Old Time Trueisms.
Mother-in-law.
The Olive.
The Mistress.
Economy.
A toothbrush.
Quite the Beauty.
Polish.
Razor.
First National Bank.
Woolworths in Kabul?
Three sisters.
OOOPS!
Languages.
Should It?
North America.
A blonde nun.
Good Advice.
To The Doghouse...
Not All Bad.
What Do You Say?
Walked Out.
Bidding.
Waitress.
Morty and Saul.
The Exam.
Employment test.
Disorder.
Well Trained Worker.
Call.
Churchill.
The airplane.
The power of a woman.
Response.
David's Brother.
Communication?
Taliban Announcement.
Puppies.
The answer!
Bumper sticker.
In Search Of...
Testing.
Well Trained Worker.
An Honest Man.
How Many?
A Bit More Serious.
Cure All.
Current Situation.
Job Application.
Encyclopedias.
With Flowers.
First Day.
Dinner.
The Chair.
The Landing.
The Hammer!
Blonde Fishing.
Final Judgement.
Lawyer VS. Farmer.
Jewish Rye Bread.
Motivation.
Before U.S.
Free Sex.
Psychological Test.
Adopted.
The Librarian.
TOP TEN SIGNS.
Speed!
Your Neighbor?
Why?
Repairs?
Change of Plan.
Click.
Ol' Mrs. Pierpoint.
The Cure.
Sand Traps.
Friends.
Car Theft.
Logic.
Soup.
Drunk.
Football.
Bullies.
Allergic.
Sign Of The Times.
A frog.
Teacher.
7 or 9.
Long Conversation.
Doctors Daughter.
Shingles.
Two atoms.
Stakeout.
Get well soon.
Free Drink.
The Butcher.
Whatever I Want.
Repair Order.
The End is Near!
Vow of Silence.
Worldwide profit tactics.
Today's Fact.
Parking Inspectors.
A psychiatrist.
Mums the word.
Watch Your Language.
Author Unknown.
Written by.
Bumper Sticker.
A baby penguin.
The bedroom.
One Hundred.
Good Food.
Inner Peace.
THE MISSING DOLLAR!
Make Anybody Faint!
Your Baby?
Texas Trooper.
Bill Gates.
The Buglar.
Travel Agent.
Buddy.
A Clean Glass?
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 Top
Subject: New York.
Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"
Top
Subject: Home from school.
A young boy comes home from school and his mother says "What did you do today?
To which the boy says "oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
The mother, aghast, doesn't know what to say! She stems and stammers and finally angrily she says "go in and tell your father what you just told me!"
The boy goes into see his father and says "gee mom sure is mad." The father says "why?"
"I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher." Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says "congratulations--you passed a milestone." I tell you what--let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then buy you a new bike."
To which the boy says--"The ice cream sounds great, but can we hold off on the bike a few days--my ass is killing me."
Top
Subject: Manhole cover.
A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".
The passer-by asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"
The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.
The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by steps into the manhole,
and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
Top
Subject: A Gynecologist.
A Gynecologist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic.
So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam.
He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received - 200%, so he goes to talk to the instructor.
The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.
Top
Subject: A man wakes his wife.
At 4am a man wakes his wife up and says"C'mon honey we're going duck hunting."
She says"No I.m not" He gives her three choices..go hunting, give him head, or take it up the a**.
She says" I'm not hunting and I'm sure as hell not taking it up the a**"
She proceeds to give him head and comes up spitting and gagging and says" God that tastes like sh*t"
He said" Sorry, the dog didn't want to go either"
Top
Subject: We can do anything...
Old Technology ... Proof
German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Swedish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Swedes 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Top
Subject: An indian boy.
An indian boy went to his father one day and said, how do you name your children?
"Well when your elder brother was born, I walked out the tee-pee and saw an eagle sworn,so that's what I named him,and when your sister was born, I walked out the tee-pee and saw green grass blowing in the wind, so that's how she got her name!
Why do you ask two dogs fucking?
Top
Subject: Definition.
What's a definition of a hijacker?
A masterbating astronaut.
Top
Subject: Nun.
How does a nun get pregnant ?
She dresses up like a alter boy
What's the most confusing day in harlem ??
Fathers day
What does a computer and women have in common?
They both wont accept 3inch floppys.
How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?
Have you ever tried to take away a rib from a black?
Top
Subject: Raggedy Anne.
Did you hear about Raggedy Anne getting kicked out of the toybox?
She got caught with Pinocchio yelling "LIE TO ME, BABY, LIE!!"
Top
Subject: An old man.
An old man was sitting on his front porch in the backwoods of Kentucky one day when a little boy walked up dragging a wire behind him.
The old man ask "Hey boy what you gonna do with that wire"?
The little boy said this an't no ordinary wire this is chicken wire and I'm gonna catch me some chickens.
The old man said, "You can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire".
The little boy said, " Yes you can and I'll be back in an hour to prove it to you.
An hour later the little boy came back with 10 chickens tied to his wire.
The next day the little boy came walking by the front porch carrying a roll of tape in his hands.
The old man said, "Hey boy what you gonna do with that tape"?
The little boy said, "This ain't no ordinary tape, this is duck tape, and I'm going to catch me some ducks".
The old man said, "You can't catch no ducks with duck tape".
The little boy said, "Yes you can and I'll be back in an hour to prove it to you".
An hour later the little boy came back with 10 ducks taped to the duck tape.
The next day the little boy came walking up carrying a stick "The old man said, "Hey boy what you gonna do with that stick"?
The little boy said, this ain't no ordinary stick this is a pussy willow.
The old man jumped up out of his chair and said, hold on boy and let me grab my hat...
Top
Subject: An old couple.
An old couple were sitting in the rest home, and the old man said, "I'll give you $100.00 if you let me make love to you."
To this the old lady says, "O.K." So off they go.
After they finished, the old man said,"If I knew that you were as tight as a virgin, I would of paid you $200.00."
At this , the old lady said, " If I knew you were as hard as you are, and could stay up as long as you did, I would of taken off my pantyhose!"
Top
Subject: Little Jimmy.
Little Jimmy was sitting around with grandpa one day when grandpa cracked open a beer.
Jimmy asked grandpa if he could have a sip and grandpa replied "can your penis touch your asshole?" to which Jimmy said no. Grandpa said "when it can, you can drink beer" and that was that.
Later that day, Jimmy was eating a big cookie and grandpa asked if he could have some of the cookie.
Jimmy replied "can your penis touch your asshole?", grandpa said yes so Jimmy says " then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie"
Top
Subject: A honeymooning couple.
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are".
The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
Top
Subject: An out-of-towner.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Top
Subject: A guy driving.
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim.
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
Top
Subject: Drunk.
theres a malisepan on a sodeter mikel behind me what's the officer proplem i'm not as think as you drunk iam starkel starkel little twink how the hell i are you think
Top
Subject: Japanese Banking Crisis.
According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Top
Subject: Download.
Rather than send everyone an attachment picture of Mona, it is ready for viewing at:
downloads.htm
Top
Subject: Apology.
After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report.
Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.
The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital.
Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed.
Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car.
I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Top
Subject: Airplanes.
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting about an hour, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened.
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant.
"It took us an hour to find another pilot!"
Top
Subject: Fat Free Fries.
I stopped at a fast food restaurant, intrigued by a sign which offered fat free fries.
I decided to give them a try, but I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a batch of fries from the fryer dripping with fat, and then put a bag of these fries in with my order.
"Just a minute," I said, "those aren't fat free."
"Yes, they are," he replied, "we only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free."
Top
Subject: Golden wedding anniversary.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.
My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
Top
Subject: Grandpa.
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
Top
Subject: Math Quiz.
Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent: You don't know my father.
Top
Subject: Wishing Well.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works."
Top
Subject: IRAQI TV GUIDE.
MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch
THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News
Top
Subject: Networking.
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.
When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.
"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the President of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to, 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill signed at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."
Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him, "No, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabyte channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million,...
.Macintoshes!!!!!
..all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed.
"What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then,...
..GO TO HELL!!!!!!
Top
Subject: Wedding Gift.
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."
So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and said, "Lady, you can only do this so many times!"
Top
Subject: Prayer.
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to temple to pray for the money. By chance he sat next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the temple.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed: "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention."
Top
Subject: The Pilot.
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Top
Subject: I know the password.
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
Top
Subject: Attending A College Football Game.
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
Top
Subject: Black-African Americans.
An airliner is traveling cross country when the pilot runs into mechanical difficulties.
The only way to keep their altitude is to get rid of some excess weight.
So he asks the stewardess to get rid of all of the baggage in the cargo hold, which she does.
She then goes back up to the cockpit to let him know that it was taken care of.
The pilot said that they still were too heavy, and if they were to make it they'd have to get rid of more weight.
The stewardess told him all that was left was the passengers.
The pilot told her that they would have to get rid of some.
She was appalled, "How do we decide who goes?"
The pilot replied, "We'll do it alphabetically!"
She said, "I can't do it!!"
So the pilot went back to explain to the passengers what was going on, and what had to be done.
The passengers were all afraid.
"Okay," said the pilot, "here we go.
We'll start with 'A,'--all African Americans off the plane."
Then he goes, "'B'--all Blacks off the plane."
Then, "'C'--all Coloreds off the plane."
Meanwhile there's a young boy and his father sitting in their seats who happen to be black.
The young boy looks up at his father and says, "Dad, aren't we Black-African Americans?"
The father replies, "No, not today, son. Today we're niggers."
Top
Subject: Dear John,
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
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Subject: Russian History.
Imagine that each leader of the United Soviet Socialist Republic finds himself on a train in the middle of nowhere, when suddenly the tracks have come to an end. What instructions would he give to his entourage?
Lenin: Go infuse the peasants with revolutionary spirit and organize them to build new rails to carry our train forward!
Stalin: Round up the peasants, lay down their bodies before the train and we shall ride over them.
Khrushchev: Go out, tear up the tracks from behind the train, set them down in front and we shall continue our journey.
Brezhnev: Pull all the curtains in the carriage, rock back and forth and make clicking noises.
Gorbachev: We have glasnost now. Run outside and shout at the top of your lungs: "There are no rails!"
Yeltsin: Give the tracks, the train, and the passengers back to their original homelands!
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Subject: Traffic court.
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
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Subject: Lot's Wife.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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Subject: Rembrandt.
An American tourist refused to be too greatly impressed with the masterpieces at the Louvre.
"We've got plenty of priceless canvasses in the United States too," he declared.
"I know," said the guide. "Rembrandt painted seven hundred pictures in his lifetime, and America has all ten thousand of them."
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Subject: Mistletoe.
The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter.
Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"
"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
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Subject: QUOTES From The 1950's.
Quotes You May Have Heard In The 1950's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
6. "If they raise the hourly minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."
10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With he Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."
11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
12. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
13. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
14. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
15. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
16. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
17. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
18. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
19. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."
20. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear pants to their service?"
21. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."
22. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
23. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
24. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college. Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
25. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
26. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
27. "There is no sense going to St. Louis or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
28. "Anymore no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
29. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
30. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
31. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
32. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she now wants 25 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
33. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will have electric windows."
34. "Unbelieveable, an outfit called Byrdseye has packaged frozen peas. Who the heck would buy frozen food?"
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Subject: What is it?
Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
Answer below! (this is really good)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The answer is: "A Last Name."
And you thought this was a dirty joke!
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Subject: A little boy.
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room.
Finally one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well... ah... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won't work!" His mom says, "Why not???"
To which the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
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Subject: The Images of Mother.
4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
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Subject: Downloads
Rather than send everyone an attachment file, they are ready at:
downloads.htm - check it out!
They include:
Barak! (397K)
Apology from BP for price rises! (26K)
Windows errors! (89K)
Netscape - someone's opinion! (23K)
Your chair at work?! (20K)
Windows Bug List! (46K)
ANZ Bank! (15K)
Commonwealth Bank! (12K)
National Bank! (15K)
Westpac Bank! (9K)
Enjoy.
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Subject: Vote!
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
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Subject: Fair Play.
A lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."
Seems reasonable.... ;-)
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Subject: Picture.
I can picture somewhere out there in the great beyond a world without war, a world without hate, a happy world where everyone lives in harmony.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
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Subject: Old Time Trueisms.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.....
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference.
I'm still confused.
When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says: "You'll live to be 60!"
"I AM 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
The other day I broke 70.
That's a lot of clubs.
I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett, and her dressing room was next to mine.
There was a little hole in the wall.
I let her look.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked "When's payday?"
He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week."
I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel.
It's a little inconvenient.
They're in two separate buildings!
My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
A car hit a Jewish man.
The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
A guy complains of a headache.
Another guy says "Do what I do.
I put my head on my wife's bosom,; and the headache goes away."
The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?"
"Yes, I sure did.
By the way, you have a nice house!"
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours.
I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?"
He said, "because I was going up!"
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
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Subject: Mother-in-law.
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire.
The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law."
The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."
Top
Subject: The Olive.
Eva Peron hired a couple of American cooks, Tina Smith and Marge Jones, known well for their American southern cuisine, fried chicken, chicken fried steak, etc.
After several months of their employment, Eva noticed that her clothing wasn't fitting as well as it once did. She went to her doctor, who told her that it was all of the deep-fried food she had been consuming, and that she'd gained 20 pounds.
Furious, she went back to her mansion, strode in to the kitchen, and burst out singing:
"Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina"...
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Subject: The Mistress.
A husband and wife from Beirut, were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
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Subject: Economy.
The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that." After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, print this: 'Cohen died. Cadillac for sale.'"
Top
Subject: A toothbrush.
May I just point out that a toothbrush, in fact, does not have a hole in one end - unless through neglect, perhaps.
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Subject: Quite the Beauty.
Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
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Subject: Polish.
A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
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Subject: Razor.
A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast!
Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain.
While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"
So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland."
"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.
"Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!"
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Subject: First National Bank.
"I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."
"I thought they just hired a new teller last week."
"Right. That's the one they're looking for."
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Subject: Woolworths in Kabul?
Q. Why are there no Woolworths in Kabul?
A. Because there's a Target on every corner!
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Subject: Three sisters 96, 92 and 83.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 92 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. She yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 83 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Subject: OOOPS!
Don't know if this is true, but it makes a good story.
One NY suburban guy left for work on Sept 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office in the World Trade Centre. When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the village, turned his mobile 'phone off, and climbed into bed with her. At about 10:00AM, while still lying next to her, he turned his mobile 'phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who screamed at him, "Where are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"
So he answered, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office!!!"
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Subject: Languages.
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
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Subject: Should It?
Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Figpot?" Little Johnny asked, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should."
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Subject: North America.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
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Subject: A blonde nun.
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing.
But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
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Subject: Good Advice.
A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
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Subject: Said On His Way To The Doghouse...
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
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Subject: Not All Bad.
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
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Subject: What Do You Say?
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
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Subject: Walked Out.
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the woman. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
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Subject: Bidding.
Bidding for various objects was proceeding furiously, when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry : "Two Thousand Five Hundred."
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Subject: Waitress.
My blonde sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
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Subject: Morty and Saul.
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
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Subject: The Exam.
The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate math course whose final always consisted of, "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
Then one year, a student answered as follows: The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
The answer is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student.
He got an A.
The professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on.
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Subject: Employment test.
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
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Subject: Disorder.
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
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Subject: Well Trained Worker.
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
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Subject: Call.
Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer again."
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Subject: Churchill.
In his 80s, former Prime Minister Winston Churchill paid a visit to the British House of Commons.
His appearance distracted attention from the debate then in progress.
An MP nearby said irritably, "They say he's dotty."
"They say he can't hear, either," said the aged Churchill.
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Subject: The Airplane.
Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it! 's 10 dollars."
Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
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Subject: The Power of a Woman.
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope suspended from a helicopter.
Ten were men, one was a woman.
They all decided that one person should let go, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in at work and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping...
Never underestimate the power of a woman.
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Subject: Response.
The passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."
Taxi driver says, "Not your fault. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
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Subject: David's Brother.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
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Subject: Communication?
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
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Subject: Taliban Announcement.
THIS JUST IN FROM CNN NEWS DESK . . .
At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Immigration and Export, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action continues against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and taxi drivers.
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Subject: Puppies.
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.
As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
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Subject: The Answer!
This is The Answer!
Killing Osama Bin Laden will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.
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