Subject: New York. Miss Annabell has just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern bell friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
"You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they asked.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"
Subject: Home from school. A young boy comes home from school and his mother says "What did you do today?
To which the boy says "oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
The mother, aghast, doesn't know what to say! She stems and stammers and finally angrily she says "go in and tell your father what you just told me!"
The boy goes into see his father and says "gee mom sure is mad." The father says "why?"
"I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher." Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says "congratulations--you passed a milestone." I tell you what--let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then buy you a new bike."
To which the boy says--"The ice cream sounds great, but can we hold off on the bike a few days--my ass is killing me."
Subject: Manhole cover. A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".
The passer-by asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"
The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.
The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by steps into the manhole,
and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...
Subject: A Gynecologist. A Gynecologist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic.
So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam.
He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score he received - 200%, so he goes to talk to the instructor.
The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler.
Subject: A man wakes his wife. At 4am a man wakes his wife up and says"C'mon honey we're going duck hunting."
She says"No I.m not" He gives her three choices..go hunting, give him head, or take it up the a**.
She says" I'm not hunting and I'm sure as hell not taking it up the a**"
She proceeds to give him head and comes up spitting and gagging and says" God that tastes like sh*t"
He said" Sorry, the dog didn't want to go either"
Subject: We can do anything... Old Technology ... Proof
German scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Swedish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Swedes 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Subject: An indian boy. An indian boy went to his father one day and said, how do you name your children?
"Well when your elder brother was born, I walked out the tee-pee and saw an eagle sworn,so that's what I named him,and when your sister was born, I walked out the tee-pee and saw green grass blowing in the wind, so that's how she got her name!
Why do you ask two dogs fucking?
Subject: Raggedy Anne. Did you hear about Raggedy Anne getting kicked out of the toybox?
She got caught with Pinocchio yelling "LIE TO ME, BABY, LIE!!"
Subject: An old man. An old man was sitting on his front porch in the backwoods of Kentucky one day when a little boy walked up dragging a wire behind him.
The old man ask "Hey boy what you gonna do with that wire"?
The little boy said this an't no ordinary wire this is chicken wire and I'm gonna catch me some chickens.
The old man said, "You can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire".
The little boy said, " Yes you can and I'll be back in an hour to prove it to you.
An hour later the little boy came back with 10 chickens tied to his wire.
The next day the little boy came walking by the front porch carrying a roll of tape in his hands.
The old man said, "Hey boy what you gonna do with that tape"?
The little boy said, "This ain't no ordinary tape, this is duck tape, and I'm going to catch me some ducks".
The old man said, "You can't catch no ducks with duck tape".
The little boy said, "Yes you can and I'll be back in an hour to prove it to you".
An hour later the little boy came back with 10 ducks taped to the duck tape.
The next day the little boy came walking up carrying a stick "The old man said, "Hey boy what you gonna do with that stick"?
The little boy said, this ain't no ordinary stick this is a pussy willow.
The old man jumped up out of his chair and said, hold on boy and let me grab my hat...
Subject: An old couple. An old couple were sitting in the rest home, and the old man said, "I'll give you $100.00 if you let me make love to you."
To this the old lady says, "O.K." So off they go.
After they finished, the old man said,"If I knew that you were as tight as a virgin, I would of paid you $200.00."
At this , the old lady said, " If I knew you were as hard as you are, and could stay up as long as you did, I would of taken off my pantyhose!"
Subject: Little Jimmy. Little Jimmy was sitting around with grandpa one day when grandpa cracked open a beer.
Jimmy asked grandpa if he could have a sip and grandpa replied "can your penis touch your asshole?" to which Jimmy said no. Grandpa said "when it can, you can drink beer" and that was that.
Later that day, Jimmy was eating a big cookie and grandpa asked if he could have some of the cookie.
Jimmy replied "can your penis touch your asshole?", grandpa said yes so Jimmy says " then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie"
Subject: A honeymooning couple. A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are".
The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
Subject: An out-of-towner. An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Subject: A guy driving. A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim.
It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
Subject: Drunk. theres a malisepan on a sodeter mikel behind me what's the officer proplem i'm not as think as you drunk iam starkel starkel little twink how the hell i are you think
Subject: Japanese Banking Crisis. According to our inside contacts the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Subject: Apology. After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report.
Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.
The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital.
Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed.
Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car.
I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Subject: Airplanes. Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting about an hour, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened.
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant.
"It took us an hour to find another pilot!"
Subject: Fat Free Fries. I stopped at a fast food restaurant, intrigued by a sign which offered fat free fries.
I decided to give them a try, but I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a batch of fries from the fryer dripping with fat, and then put a bag of these fries in with my order.
"Just a minute," I said, "those aren't fat free."
"Yes, they are," he replied, "we only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free."
Subject: Golden wedding anniversary. A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.
My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.
Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
Subject: Grandpa. My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
Subject: Math Quiz. Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher: You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent: You don't know my father.
Subject: Wishing Well. A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works."
MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch
THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News
Subject: Networking. Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.
When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.
"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the President of a large software company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to, 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"
"I guess not."
"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill signed at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."
Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him, "No, he's not that Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabyte channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million,...
.Macintoshes!!!!!
..all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed.
"What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then,...
..GO TO HELL!!!!!!
Subject: Wedding Gift. She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, thought she, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."
So she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took a look at the tray, shook his head, and said, "Lady, you can only do this so many times!"
Subject: Prayer. A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to temple to pray for the money. By chance he sat next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the temple.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed: "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention."
Subject: The Pilot. You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Subject: I know the password. While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
Subject: Attending A College Football Game. A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
An airliner is traveling cross country when the pilot runs into mechanical difficulties.
The only way to keep their altitude is to get rid of some excess weight.
So he asks the stewardess to get rid of all of the baggage in the cargo hold, which she does.
She then goes back up to the cockpit to let him know that it was taken care of.
The pilot said that they still were too heavy, and if they were to make it they'd have to get rid of more weight.
The stewardess told him all that was left was the passengers.
The pilot told her that they would have to get rid of some.
She was appalled, "How do we decide who goes?"
The pilot replied, "We'll do it alphabetically!"
She said, "I can't do it!!"
So the pilot went back to explain to the passengers what was going on, and what had to be done.
The passengers were all afraid.
"Okay," said the pilot, "here we go.
We'll start with 'A,'--all African Americans off the plane."
Then he goes, "'B'--all Blacks off the plane."
Then, "'C'--all Coloreds off the plane."
Meanwhile there's a young boy and his father sitting in their seats who happen to be black.
The young boy looks up at his father and says, "Dad, aren't we Black-African Americans?"
The father replies, "No, not today, son. Today we're niggers."
Subject: Dear John, Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Subject: Russian History. Imagine that each leader of the United Soviet Socialist Republic finds himself on a train in the middle of nowhere, when suddenly the tracks have come to an end. What instructions would he give to his entourage?
Lenin: Go infuse the peasants with revolutionary spirit and organize them to build new rails to carry our train forward!
Stalin: Round up the peasants, lay down their bodies before the train and we shall ride over them.
Khrushchev: Go out, tear up the tracks from behind the train, set them down in front and we shall continue our journey.
Brezhnev: Pull all the curtains in the carriage, rock back and forth and make clicking noises.
Gorbachev: We have glasnost now. Run outside and shout at the top of your lungs: "There are no rails!"
Yeltsin: Give the tracks, the train, and the passengers back to their original homelands!
Subject: Traffic court. A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
Subject: Lot's Wife. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
Subject: Rembrandt. An American tourist refused to be too greatly impressed with the masterpieces at the Louvre.
"We've got plenty of priceless canvasses in the United States too," he declared.
"I know," said the guide. "Rembrandt painted seven hundred pictures in his lifetime, and America has all ten thousand of them."
Subject: Mistletoe. The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage at the check-in counter.
Turning to the attendant he said, "I like your mistletoe. Is it for customers or only personnel?"
"Neither," she said. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Subject: QUOTES From The 1950's. Quotes You May Have Heard In The 1950's
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
2. "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
6. "If they raise the hourly minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
9. "Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."
10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With he Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."
11. "Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
12. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
13. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
14. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
15. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
16. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
17. "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
18. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
19. "I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won't be able to sit down for a week."
20. "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear pants to their service?"
21. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."
22. "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
23. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
24. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college. Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
25. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, "Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
26. "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
27. "There is no sense going to St. Louis or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
28. "Anymore no one can afford to be sick, $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
29. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
30. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
31. "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
32. "We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she now wants 25 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
33. "Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will have electric windows."
34. "Unbelieveable, an outfit called Byrdseye has packaged frozen peas. Who the heck would buy frozen food?"
Subject: What is it? Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
Answer below! (this is really good)
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The answer is: "A Last Name."
And you thought this was a dirty joke!
Subject: A little boy. A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' room.
Finally one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well... ah... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won't work!" His mom says, "Why not???"
To which the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Subject: The Images of Mother. 4 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE ~ My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE ~ Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE ~ Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
Subject: Downloads Rather than send everyone an attachment file, they are ready at:
downloads.htm - check it out!
They include:
Barak! (397K)
Apology from BP for price rises! (26K)
Windows errors! (89K)
Netscape - someone's opinion! (23K)
Your chair at work?! (20K)
Windows Bug List! (46K)
ANZ Bank! (15K)
Commonwealth Bank! (12K)
National Bank! (15K)
Westpac Bank! (9K)
Subject: Vote! Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
Subject: Fair Play. A lawyer driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The lawyer sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."
Seems reasonable.... ;-)
Subject: Picture. I can picture somewhere out there in the great beyond a world without war, a world without hate, a happy world where everyone lives in harmony.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Subject: Old Time Trueisms. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.....
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference.
I'm still confused.
When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says: "You'll live to be 60!"
"I AM 60!"
"See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
The other day I broke 70.
That's a lot of clubs.
I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett, and her dressing room was next to mine.
There was a little hole in the wall.
I let her look.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked "When's payday?"
He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"
I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week."
I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel.
It's a little inconvenient.
They're in two separate buildings!
My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
A car hit a Jewish man.
The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
A guy complains of a headache.
Another guy says "Do what I do.
I put my head on my wife's bosom,; and the headache goes away."
The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?"
"Yes, I sure did.
By the way, you have a nice house!"
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours.
I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?"
He said, "because I was going up!"
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Subject: The Olive. Eva Peron hired a couple of American cooks, Tina Smith and Marge Jones, known well for their American southern cuisine, fried chicken, chicken fried steak, etc.
After several months of their employment, Eva noticed that her clothing wasn't fitting as well as it once did. She went to her doctor, who told her that it was all of the deep-fried food she had been consuming, and that she'd gained 20 pounds.
Furious, she went back to her mansion, strode in to the kitchen, and burst out singing:
"Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina"...
Subject: The Mistress. A husband and wife from Beirut, were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
Subject: Economy. The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that." After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, print this: 'Cohen died. Cadillac for sale.'"
Subject: Quite the Beauty. Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Subject: Polish. A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."
Subject: Razor. A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast!
Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain.
While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!"
So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland."
"My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor.
"Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!"
Subject: First National Bank. "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."
"I thought they just hired a new teller last week."
"Right. That's the one they're looking for."
Subject: Three sisters 96, 92 and 83. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 92 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. She yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 83 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful". She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Subject: OOOPS! Don't know if this is true, but it makes a good story.
One NY suburban guy left for work on Sept 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office in the World Trade Centre. When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the village, turned his mobile 'phone off, and climbed into bed with her. At about 10:00AM, while still lying next to her, he turned his mobile 'phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who screamed at him, "Where are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"
So he answered, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office!!!"
Subject: Languages. A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Subject: Should It? Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Figpot?" Little Johnny asked, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But it should."
Subject: North America. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
Subject: A blonde nun. One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing.
But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
Subject: Good Advice. A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
Subject: Said On His Way To The Doghouse... A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
Subject: Not All Bad. A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
Subject: What Do You Say? While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Subject: Walked Out. "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the woman. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
Subject: Bidding. Bidding for various objects was proceeding furiously, when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry : "Two Thousand Five Hundred."
Subject: Waitress. My blonde sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?"
Subject: Morty and Saul. Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
Subject: The Exam. The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate math course whose final always consisted of, "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
Then one year, a student answered as follows: The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
The answer is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student.
He got an A.
The professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on.
Subject: Employment test. "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
Subject: Disorder. A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
Subject: Well Trained Worker. While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
Subject: Call. Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?"
"No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer again."
Subject: Churchill. In his 80s, former Prime Minister Winston Churchill paid a visit to the British House of Commons.
His appearance distracted attention from the debate then in progress.
An MP nearby said irritably, "They say he's dotty."
"They say he can't hear, either," said the aged Churchill.
Subject: The Airplane. Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it! 's 10 dollars."
Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
Subject: The Power of a Woman. There were 11 people hanging onto a rope suspended from a helicopter.
Ten were men, one was a woman.
They all decided that one person should let go, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in at work and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping...
Never underestimate the power of a woman.
Subject: Response. The passenger in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."
Taxi driver says, "Not your fault. It's my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
Subject: David's Brother. A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Subject: Communication? A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Subject: Taliban Announcement. THIS JUST IN FROM CNN NEWS DESK . . .
At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Immigration and Export, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action continues against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and taxi drivers.
Subject: Puppies. A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.
As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
Subject: The Answer! This is The Answer!
Killing Osama Bin Laden will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.
Subject: Bumper sticker. Bumper sticker spotted on I-95 in Florida.
It's God's responsibility to forgive Bin Laden...
"It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting..."
"United States Marines..."
Subject: In Search Of... I live across the street from a church.
When my wife's puppy escaped from the back yard so we went looking for it.
She went off in the car and I started to walk around the church calling the dogs name.
I didn't think anything of it until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area.
The dog's name is Moses.
Subject: Testing. I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"
Subject: Well Trained Worker. While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
Subject: Make Him An Honest Man. Pincus was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, driving without lights and violation of traffic signals.
He demanded a trial by jury.
"But you can't win that case in court," a friend advised him.
"I know," said Pincus. "I did it on purpose. My nephew just graduated from law school and this is his first case. I want him to lose so maybe he'll get discouraged and get an honest job."
Subject: How Many? While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied simply, "One."
Subject: A Bit More Serious. A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow."Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
Subject: Cure All. Traditional Chinese drugstores are always filled with bizarre remedies for everyday ailments. So while traveling in the Far East, I couldn't resist going into a drugstore to look around. There were rows and rows of jars filled with dried herbs, powders, and exotic oils. But one jar really caught my eye.
The label said it was a guaranteed cure for stomachache.
The jar was filled with chocolate-chip cookies.
Subject: Current Situation. Due to the current security and social crisis situation in Israel, the government regrets to announce that in order to save electricity costs, "the light at the end of the tunnel" will be switched off until further notice....
Subject: Job Application. Jill had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good I think", replied Jill, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation unless I'm married.
Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked "Is that what they told you?
"No", replied Jill, "they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said, 'Vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"
Subject: Encyclopedias. Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.
My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
"What are all these books?" he asked.
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.
"Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"
Subject: Say It With Flowers. My husband's uncle thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your Loving Husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
Subject: First Day of School. A mother brought her son to school for the first time, and before he entered the class she gave him a last minute pep talk.
"O.K. now sweetheart you be a good boy. Remember sweetheart, you do everything the teacher tells you. Don't be worried sweetheart, I'll pick you up right after class. Are you ready, sweetheart? Let's go in."
Later in the day the Mother picked up her son and gave him a big hug.
"How was it sweetheart? What did you learn?"
Her son looked up at his mother with a look of consternation on his face and replied: "I learned... that my name is Moishe and not Sweetheart!"
Subject: Dinner. A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
Subject: The Chair. An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Subject: The Landing. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
Subject: The Hammer! A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
Then a voice at the back of the court yells, "You liar!"
The judge glares and then continues, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court shouts, "You dirty liar!"
The judge angrily addresses the voice and says, "Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt. What is the problem anyway?"
The man at the back of the court who's been shouting calls out, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that liar and, every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
Subject: Blonde Fishing. A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels...
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the kid, "but my friend back there, he don't have one."
Subject: Final Judgement. A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"
"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle, they're too wet to burn."
Subject: Lawyer VS. Farmer. A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, keeping the conversation moving and not letting the farmer get much of a word in. The farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success. He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."
The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself. That 'ol cow came home this morning!"
Subject: Jewish Rye Bread. Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat Jewish rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of Jewish rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "Do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "What is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me."
Subject: Motivation. This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me.. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Subject: Before U.S. The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U. S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied.
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time..."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Subject: Free Sex. There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed, 8 and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed 2 this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it ain't rigged - - - my wife won twice last week."
Subject: Psychological Test. The main character in the story is this girl when she was at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy who was also there but she did not know who he was and she was too nervous to go up and talk to him.
Well this guy happened to fit her bill of her dream guy so she fell in love with him at once, love at first sight, blah blah blah.
A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the cops asked her why she did that she gave a very shocking answer.
So well what is her motive for killing her sister?
Think carefully before scrolling down for the answer.
Answer:
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again She wanted to see him. So, if you answered this correctly go to the cops and tell them to lock you up ok?
This was a test by famous American psychologists used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. In fact a lot of arrested serial killers took part in this test and had answered it correctly.
If you didn't answer correctly good for you. If your friends hit the jackpot please stay away from them. If you answered correctly stay away from me.
Subject: Adopted. Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Subject: The Librarian. Little Johnny asked the librarian how to use the card catalog. After pouring over the little drawers full of cards he approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, and Little Johnny went back to his search.
A short time later he came to the desk, looking quite upset. "I just can't find it." he said.
"What book are you looking for?" the librarian asked.
"Tequila Mockingbird."
Subject: TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING! 10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3.You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Subject: Speed! Because I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Subject: Is This Your Neighbor? A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.
He said, "Will, what will ? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
Subject: Why? Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
Subject: Repairs? Sign seen in repair shop:
Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $15.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and "help": $20.00
Subject: Change of Plan. A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."
Subject: Click. I was teaching my 4-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?"
I said, "Yes."
She asked me, "Single click or double click?"
Subject: Ol' Mrs. Pierpoint. Mrs. John was worried about Ol' Mrs. Pierpoint, a widow, who lives next door. She had not heard anything from her for a few days. So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is."
A few minutes later, the boy returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.
"At me? Whatever for?"
"Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business to know how old she is."
Subject: The Cure. A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good either.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
Subject: Sand Traps. An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course.
He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12-stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
So they both set out to play and the old man did play well.
Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."
Subject: Friends. Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students. One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked the girl if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling that she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Subject: Car Theft. Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman. Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged him and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Subject: Logic. A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Subject: Soup. When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
Subject: Drunk. A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line,
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake!"
Subject: Football. As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important -- the football games on TV, or the dinner itself.
To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the Family Room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold beer for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
Subject: Bullies. A small child was working up the courage to confront the neighborhood bully. "Bullies are really wimps," he told himself as he rounded a corner. "Show me a bully, and I'll show you a real wimp."
To his horror, there stood the bully.
"Show you a bully, huh?" the mean boy said, sneering. "Well, you're looking at one."
The little boy screwed up his face and barked fiercely, "Yeah?! And I'm showing you a real wimp!"
And he took off running down the street.
Subject: Allergic. A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."
Subject: Sign Of The Times. Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.
Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men." "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
Subject: A frog. A frog telephones a dating agency and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the dating agency. "Next semester in her biology class."
Subject: Teacher. "Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"
She just said, "Thank goodness!"
Subject: 7 or 9. Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night they've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick, "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police."
Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies, "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy."
Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You idiot Mick, steal number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"
Subject: Long Conversation. Mrs. Smith was in the habit of having long conversations on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after only 25 minutes.
"What is the matter?" asked her husband, "You had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."
"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Smith.
Subject: Doctors Daughter. Five-year-old Missy answered the door when the Mailman came by. She told the Mailman that her Daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the Mailman, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"Sure! Fifteen hundred dollars and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
Subject: Shingles. A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
An hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor gave him a complete examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."
The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
Subject: Two atoms. Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."
Subject: Stakeout. I'm a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.
He stopped and sat just out of arm's reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge.
After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the dog's stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I'd been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.
Subject: Get well soon. A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick ..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Subject: Free Drink. The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
Subject: The Butcher. There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll page down.)
What were you thinking?
Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
Subject: Whatever I Want. Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
Subject: Repair Order. My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners." Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation:
"Remove bowling ball from trunk".
Subject: The End is Near! A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Subject: Vow of Silence. A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years. Then they could only say 2 words.
After the first seven years passed, he went into a small room where he was given the chance to say his two words to the leadership of the order. His two words were "Too cold." He was given extra blankets.
The next seven years passed and the leadership took him back into the small room and his 2 words were "Bad food." The kitchen changed the menu for him.
When the next seven years had passed they took him back into the small room, and his 2 words were "I quit".
"Fine!" exclaimed the leaders, "All you have done since you got here is complain anyway."
Subject: Worldwide profit tactics... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
AMERICAN CAPITALISM (or Enro-capitalism):
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
Count cost of labour and consumables (hay) as assets.
The public buys your bull
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported the numbers.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute ...
Subject: Today's Fact. It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century.
The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
Subject: Parking Inspectors. So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a goddamn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!!
So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a f*ck, my car was parked around the corner...
Subject: A psychiatrist. A psychiatrist was doing a study on memory loss among older men at a retirement home. He selected three men for interviews.
To the first one he asked, "What is three times three?" The man quickly answered "274". The doctor thought, "Oh man, this is going to be a long day."
Turning to the second man, he inquired, "How much is three times three?" The guy thought for a moment then answered "Tuesday".
"Geez, what am I getting into?", thought the doctor.
To the third man he said, "What is three times three?" The old guy replied "Nine". The doctor said, "How did you figure that out?"
"Easy", said the old gent, "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Subject: Mums the word. A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
(MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORTS OF CONTESTS...)
Subject: Watch Your Language. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
Subject: Why Worry? Author Unknown. There are only two things in life to worry about:
Whether you are well or whether you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about:
Whether you are going to get well or whether you are going to die.
If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about:
Whether you are going to go to heaven or whether you are going to go to hell.
If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, that you won't have time to worry!
Subject: Written by a black guy in texas. When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks......
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you gray.
Subject: Bumper Sticker. I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus."
So I honked. The driver leaned out his window, gave me an very impolite gesture, and yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you MORON!?"
Subject: A baby penguin. A baby penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Have you seen my dad?"
The bartender says, "What does he look like?"
Subject: The bedroom. A couple is in their bedroom. The man says, "Tonight I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
She responds, "I'll miss you."
Subject: One Hundred. A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Subject: Good Food. A difficult independent 75-year-old woman liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons.
One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone in the rich suburban neighborhood.
Then suddenly a man in his early 40's rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
She replied in crazed anger and without hesitation, "I can't throw that far!"
Subject: Inner Peace. I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace...
It said: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started".
So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of Gin, a bottle of wine, a bottle of Schnapps, a carton of ciggies, all of my Prozac and a big box of chocolates.
Damn, ...... I feel better already!
You can pass this on to all those you think may be in need of Inner Peace...
Subject: THE MISSING DOLLAR! 3 men go into a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room.
A while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys' room with $5 on the way the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each man a $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.
This meant that the 3 men each only paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27, add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29.
Where is the other dollar?
Let me know if you work it out?
Subject: Make Anybody Faint! The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."
Subject: Your Baby? Amy, our daughter-in-law, was out shoping while our son Peter stayed at home with their infant son. In the supermarket checkout line, a woman behind Amy asked, "How old is your baby?"
"Six weeks," Amy answered, "but how did you know I have a baby?"
"Well," the woman said smiling, "I've been watching you rock your grocery cart."
Subject: Texas Trooper. Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that cop would've tried that with me!'"
Subject: Bill Gates. Bill Gates' Speech to Mt. Whitney High School in Visalia, California.
Rule 1: Life is not fair-get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping- they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Subject: The Buglar. A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Subject: Travel Agent. As reported by an anonymous travel agent:
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.
Subject: Buddy. An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
Subject: A Clean Glass? Two men sit down in a smart restaurant and a snooty waiter comes over to take their order.
"Sirs what can I get you?" enquires the waiter.
"A glass of orange juice," says Mr Smith.
"A glass of orange juice for me too" says Mr Jones, "but please make sure the glass is clean."
The waiter stalks off in a disagreeable manner, and eventually comes back with two glasses of orange juice.
"So," he then inquires, "which one of you wanted the clean glass?"
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Miss Annabell.
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