 Caught.
Finding Jesus.
Vice president.
WHOOOOSH!
Generosity.
Running away.
Put it on his tab.
Hymns.
Naval Academy.
Fascinate.
What to do?
Two College Students.
Famous Grandfather.
An Airliner.
Making Supper.
A Devout Nun.
How do I get into heaven?
Wedding.
Letter from Mum to son.
Doctors Vacation.
Take A Break.
Speaker.
Parachute Jump.
Memo to all staff.
World's funniest joke.
Little Guy.
Friend's Car.
Bouquet of Flowers.
The Lesson.
A quarrel.
Crazy Idea.
Down The Street.
The Pope and the Chicken.
Last & First.
A woman had a faithful cat.
Money.
An Optometrist.
Them Darn Flies!
A Deep Voice.
Truth in medicine.
Are Those Real.
Same Treatment.
Marriage Problems.
Emergency Repair Kit.
Shopping Mall.
Time off.
Dress Code.
Empoyer's Lingo.
Canada.
Punctuality.
Empoyee's Lingo.
Perfect Woman.
Insurance Application.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Go Figure.
Brain Teaser.
The Cat.
The Carriage.
A Special Tailor.
The Golfer.
On Their Way To Church.
Floor.
The World Should Worry.
Osama Bin Laden.
Planning WW 111.
Know your employees.
A woman had a faithful cat.
Not Blonde, but...
A Vow of Silence.
Missing Money.
Advantage to growing old.
Who's On First? by Abbott and Costello.
Christmas Cake Recipe.
The Photographer.
Five cannibals.
An idea.
Move Your Cars.
Gossip.
Important Warning.
From the mind of a child.
To Be or Not To Be (rescued).
Las Vegas.
Lottery.
Life.
$1,000.
Walking.
Chores.
Inheritance.
Notice of closings.
Medication.
Three Wishes.
Itemized Engineering Fee.
Baseball.
Don't be henpecked.
An examination.
Two Irishmen.
An illegal turn.
The Irish.
Green, pink and yellow.
12 Days Of AOL.
Q & A.
Growing Older.
Address?
"He's got our..."
How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale.
Glazier.
Boasts.
My Class.
Please hire me!
Elderly People.
The Professor.
Ironic.
World's Easiest Quiz.
Tips for a Happy Marriage.
Kofi.
Puzzled.
Change Back?
The Winning Run.
Why are we low on oil?
Having a bad day.
Sound familiar.
Prayer for Women.
Grandmother's Visit.
Spy Hunter.
Abe.
The Psychiatrist.
The Battery.
The Violin.
The Curse.
Barber Shop.
Your name.
The Anniversary.
Primitive.
Happiest Man.
Put Up Your Duke.
Farming.
Golf Ball.
UN Inspectors.
CNN/Reuters:
Internal Intelligence.
President Putin.
Good Answer!
Saddam Hussein's Physician.
Iraq.
How politics transforms information.
Fixing the Headstone.
Two Pants.
Iraqi humor.
Nutrition.
A Billion.
A Taxi.
Passport Please.
Two Priests.
Congratulations, Good news!
The Vice President.
Last Hope.
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Harry's Jokes might contain adult language.
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Privacy/Disclosure Policy
 Top
Subject: Caught.
"Mary," asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?"
"Another woman with MY husband?" Mary thought it over.
"Let's see; I'd break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from."
Top
Subject: Finding Jesus.
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes,Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... ..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Top
Subject: Vice president.
Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the first, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I'm the president and chairman of the board."
"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second, "so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer."
"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third partner.
"What's that make me?"
The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of music."
"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what does it mean?"
"It means what when I want your advice, I'll whistle."
Top
Subject: WHOOOOSH!
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
Top
Subject: Generosity.
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
Top
Subject: Running away.
During a quarrel with his parents, little LeRoy cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
Top
Subject: Put it on his tab.
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for heart surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Napoli, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in Chicago," replied the man, "but she's a spinster and a nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Napoli ," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay, great" the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Top
Subject: Hymns.
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 check in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Top
Subject: Naval Academy.
While a friend and I were visiting the Naval Academy in Annapolis, we noticed several first year students on their hands and knees assessing the brick courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One."
Top
Subject: Fascinate.
A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated". The teacher said, "well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."
Top
Subject: What to do?
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Top
Subject: Two College Students.
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
Top
Subject: Famous Grandfather.
Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
Top
Subject: An Airliner.
An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."
The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."
Top
Subject: Making Supper.
This guy was looking at TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, so she shot back at him "Think of me as dead and do what you would do if I was."
So he went back in the house and fixed him a big steak, potato and a big glass of tea.
She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?"
To which he answered "I thought you were dead."
Top
Subject: A Devout Nun.
A very devout nun dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, she is greeted with ceremony and honor and told she may immediately have any wish she chooses while her place is prepared for her.
She humbly and politely replies that she would like an audience with Holy Mary, if this is possible. Peter agrees on the spot and escorts her personally to a little door, hitherto unnoticed in the great vault of the firmament. He knocks softly. There's a murmured reply from within, and he opens the door and indicates to his guest to enter.
Within, sitting in a plain chair is a middle-aged Jewish woman in the garb of the first century, knitting.
The nun sits reverently for some time at Mary's feet and finally gestures so as to ask a question. Mary looks up from her knitting and indicates it is OK to ask.
"Reverend Mother, please tell me, you were chosen from all women to be the mother of God. You are a simple Jewish woman, I know. But if you could, just give me an inkling of what it felt like when it happened, when Jesus was born?"
With a distant look in her eyes, Mary replies, "Well, really, I wanted a girl..."
Top
Subject: How do I get into heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Top
Subject: Wedding.
Jacob age 89, and Rebecca age 85 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
Top
Subject: Letter from Mum to son.
Dear Son,
I'm writing this letter slow - because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20kms from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tasmanian family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a ute. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
Top
Subject: Doctors Vacation.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked impressed.
"Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
Top
Subject: Take A Break.
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Top
Subject: Speaker.
As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars.
"Giving these presentations is part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?"
"That would be wonderful!" she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."
Top
Subject: Parachute Jump.
Just before a soldier made his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped.
He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.
He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened.
As he careened crazily earthward, he said to himself: "Damn. Nothing goes right. I'll bet that damn truck won't be there either!"
Top
Subject: Memo to all staff.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We employed you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks' notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the Toilet. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAY PACKET GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their pay:
Gross pay
#1,222.02
Income tax #244.40
Outgo tax #45.21
State tax #11.61
Interstate tax #61.10
County tax #6.11
City tax #12.22
Rural tax #4.44
Back tax #1.11
Front tax #1.16
Side tax #1.61
Up tax #2.22
Tic-Tacs #1.98
Thumbtacks #3.93
Carpet tacks #0.98
Stadium tax #0.69
Flat tax #8.32
Surtax #3.46
Corporate tax #2.60
Parking fee #5.00
F.I.C.A. #81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund #9.95
Life insurance #5.85
Health insurance #16.23
Dental insurance #4.50
Mental insurance #4.33
Reassurance #0.11
Disability #2.50
Ability #0.25
Liability #3.41
Unreliability #10.99
Coffee #6.85
Coffee Cups #66.51
Floor rental #16.85
Chair rental #0.32
Desk rental #4.32
Union dues #5.85
Union don'ts #3.77
Cash advance #0.69
Cash retreats #121.35
Overtime #1.26
Undertime #54.83
Eastern time #9.00
Central time #8.00
Mountain time #7.00
Pacific time #6.00
Time Out #12.21
Oxygen #10.02
Water #16.54
Heat #51.42
Cool air #26.83
Hot air #20.00
Miscellaneous #113.29
Sundry #12.09
Various #8.01
Net Take Home Pay #0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day.
Top
Subject: World's funniest joke.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says: "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Top
Subject: Little Guy.
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when he comes back -- WHACK!!! -- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
Top
Subject: Friend's Car.
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total wreck and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood.. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
Top
Subject: Bouquet of Flowers.
A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.
Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"
To which the farmer shouted back, "Fer sure the bull is safe! Can't say the same about you, though!"
Top
Subject: The Lesson.
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
Top
Subject: A quarrel.
In the midst of a quarrel, the wife bitterly yells at her husband, "I was such a fool when I married you."
Retorts her husband:" That's so true. But I was in love and didn"t notice."
Top
Subject: Crazy Idea.
"Hey, whatever happened to your friend Willie?"
"He got this crazy idea in his head that he's gonna make a new kind of car."
"How was he going to do that?"
"Well, he took a motor from a Chevy, tires from a Ford, seats rom a Caddy, hubcaps from a Dodge.... you get the idea."
"So how did it turn out? What did he end up with?"
"Ten years, but with good behavior, he'll be out in six!"
Top
Subject: Down The Street.
The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression, but the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.
One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!'' Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?''
Matthew said, "Oh, she gave it to the policeman."
Top
Subject: The Pope and the Chicken.
The CEO of Inghams Chickens manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Inghams is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Inghams man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread 'to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Inghams guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Inghams respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad news, your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Tip Top Account."
Top
Subject: Last & First.
When my father was in boot camp, the troops were instructed to put their belongings into their footlockers, write their last names and first initial on the containers, and report back for inspection.
A few minutes later, the commanding officer, after having seen my father's locker emblazoned with his last name "Locke," followed by his first initial "R," furiously bellowed, "Okay, who's the wise guy?"
Top
Subject: A woman had a faithful cat.
And one day, a man ran over the cat. So, he went to the old woman and said:
"I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."
"That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched.
"How good are you at catching mice?"
Top
Subject: Money.
Money can buy a house,but not a home.
Money can buy a bed,but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock,but not time.
Money can buy a book,but not knowledge.
Money can buy food,but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
You see, money is not everything!
Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.
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Subject: An Optometrist.
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer:
"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' ...
If he dosn't blink, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'...
If he still doesn't blink, you add ...'Each.'"
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Subject: Them Darn Flies!
Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."
"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.
Joe replied, "It was easy. The 3 males were sitting on a case of beer and the 2 females were on the phone."
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Subject: A Deep Voice.
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!
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Subject: Truth in medicine.A Deep Voice.Them Darn Flies!An Optometrist.
This man rushes to see his doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. He rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks him over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight "
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Subject: Are Those Real.Truth in medicine.A Deep Voice.Them Darn Flies!An Optometrist.
Two older women ( we'll call them A & B ) who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.
"My dear," said Lady "A" "Are those real pearls?"
"They are," replied Lady "B"
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them." Smiled Lady "A"
Lady "B" responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
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Subject: Same Treatment.
The ailing skinflint needed the aid of a specialist, but the fees appalled him. It was $25 for the first visit, and $10 for subsequent visits. Still, it was a matter of life and death, and besides, he had an idea.
As he entered the doctor's office, the miser said cordially, "Well, Doctor, here I am -- again!"
But the doctor had met this type before. He made a great show of examining the patient with minute thoroughness, and then said "Just continue with the same treatment as before!"
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Subject: Marriage Problems.
A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalise their break-up. The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."
The wife says, "Seven weeks."
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Subject: Emergency Repair Kit.
Josh was helping Sally, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires..."
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Subject: Shopping Mall.
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
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Subject: Time off.
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
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Subject: Dress Code.
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company."
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Subject: Empoyer's Lingo.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
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Subject: Canada.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there s a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite Coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God. You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
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Subject: Punctuality.
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him,
"What a morning. I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs entering the subway. When I was on the ground two punks grabbed my wallet. I had to borrow subway fare from a stranger to get here."
The boss responded, "And this took hour?"
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Subject: Empoyee's Lingo.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
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Subject: Perfect Woman.
The preacher said: "There's no such thing as a perfect man. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect man, stand up."
Nobody stood up.
"Those who have ever known a perfect woman, stand up."
One demure little woman stood up.
"Did you ever know an absolutely perfect woman?" he asked, somewhat amazed.
"I didn't know her personally," replied the little old woman, "but I have heard a great deal about her. She was my husband's first wife."
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Subject: Insurance Application.
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"
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Subject: Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
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Subject: Go Figure.
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."
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Subject: Brain Teaser.
You have 9 gold coins. One of the coins is counterfeit and filled with a lighter-than-gold substance.
To solve this problem, you must use a balance.
You can use it only twice though. How will you find the counterfeit coin?
Think about it, don't cheat!
Answer to Brain Teaser:
-----------------------
First, divide the coins into three groups of three.
Then, balance any one group against another group.
If the counterfeit coin is contained in either of the groups, the coins will not balance. If, however, they balance, the counterfeit coin must be in the third pile.
Now that we have identified the group with the counterfeit coin, remove one coin from that group, and balance the other two.
The lighter coin will not balance. If they do balance, the counterfeit coin is the one not selected.
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Subject: The Cat.
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.... The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again....
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there... Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered: "Put that son of a bitch on the phone,
I'm lost and need directions!"
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Subject: The Carriage.
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
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Subject: A Special Tailor.
A man went into a clothing store to buy a suit. The salesman asked him his name, age, religion, occupation, college, high school, hobbies, political party, and his wife's maiden name.
"Why all the questions?" the customer asked. "All I want is a suit."
"Sir, this is not just an ordinary tailor shop," the salesman said. "We don't merely sell you a suit. We find a suit that is exactly right for you.
"We make a study of your personality and your back-ground and your surroundings. For the wool we send to the part of Australia that has the kind of sheep your character requires.
"We ship the wool to a section of Scotland to be woven where the climate is most favourable to your temparament. Then we fit and measure you carefully.
"Finally, after much careful thought and study, the suit is made. There are more fittings and more changes. And then..."
"Wait a minute," the customer said. "I need this suit tomorrow night for my nephew's wedding!"
"Don't worry," the salesman said. "You'll have it."
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Subject: The Golfer.
First golfer: "What was your score?"
Beginner: "Seventy-two. It's not too bad, I guess, but I hope I'll do better on the second hole."
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Subject: On Their Way To Church.
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing:
"The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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Subject: Floor.
While carpenters were working outside the old house a woman had just bought, She busied myself with indoor cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," She said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
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Subject: The World Should Worry.
This taped conversation in the Oval Office between George Bush and His National Security Adviser, Condeleeza (Condi) Rice has been leaked to the Washington Post:
George:Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George:The guy in China.
Condi:Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George:Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George:Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George:That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George:Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George:Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George:Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George:Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George:Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George:Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George:Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:Kofi?
George:No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George:No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George:No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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Subject: Osama Bin Laden.
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
G-D is good!
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Subject: Planning WW 111.
President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"
Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WWIII".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle postman."
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle postman? Why kill a bicycle postman?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!"
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Subject: Know your employees.
A new boss was determined to rid his company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. With the room filled with workers, he decides to make an example of the young man.
The CEO walks up to the guy and asked "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week."
"Why?"
The CEO gave him $200 and said, "Here's a week's pay, now get out and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a grin, one of the workers replies, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
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Subject: A woman had a faithful cat.
And one day, a man ran over the cat. So, he went to the old woman and said:
"I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."
"That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched.
"How good are you at catching mice?"
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Subject: Not Blonde, but...
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
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Subject: A Vow of Silence.
When Sister Marlena entered the Convent of Silence, Abbess said, "Sister, this is a silent convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Sister Marlena lived in the convent for 5 years before the Abbess said to her, "Sister Marlena, you have been here for 5 years you can speak two words." Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbess said, "We will get you a softer bed." After another 5 years, the Abbess called Sister Marlena into her office. "You may say another two words, Sister Marlena." "Cold food," said Sister Marlena.
The Abbess assured her that the food would be served warm in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbess again called Sister Marlena into her office. "Two words you may say today." "I quit," said Sister Marlena.
"It is probably best," said the Abbess, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
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Subject: Missing Money.
A couple are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary - they go down to their old school. There, in a corner, they hold hands as they find their old desk where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On the way home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car in front of them. She picks it up and counts 50 thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And when they get home she hides it in the attic.
The next day, two FBI men show up at their home. They ask, "Pardon me, did any one in this house find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "My wife is lying, she took the money and hid it in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's a bit senile." So they sit the man down and begin to question him. One FBI guy says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, my wife and I were on our way home from school..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, ... "Let's get out of here."
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Subject: Advantage to growing old.
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." Ms. Jones said.
The preacher found that very unusual, and asked "How old are you?" "Ninety-three" she said.
"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety-three and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around & said: "It's easy. I just outlived the sons o' bitches."
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Subject: Who's On First? by Abbott and Costello.
Abbott: Alright, now whaddya want?
Costello: Now look, I'm the head of the sports department. I gotta know the baseball players' names. Do you know the guys' names?
Abbott: Oh sure.
Costello: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
Abbott: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names.
Abbott: Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean -
Costello: His brother Daffy -
Abbott: Daffy Dean -
Costello: And their cousin!
Abbott: Who's that?
Costello: Goofy!
Abbott: Goofy, huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags - we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: That's what I wanna find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third -
Costello: You know the fellows' names?
Abbott: Certainly!
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: I mean the fellow's name!
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy on first!
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The first baseman!
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy playing first!
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: Now whaddya askin' me for?
Abbott: I'm telling you Who is on first.
Costello: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: Have you got a contract with the first baseman?
Abbott: Absolutely.
Costello: Who signs the contract?
Abbott: Well, naturally!
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar. Why not? The man's entitled to it.
Costello: Who is?
Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Abbott: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.
Costello: Now, how did I get on third base?
Abbott: You mentioned his name!
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No - Who's playing first.
Costello: Never mind first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on third.
Abbott: No - What's on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go off it?
Abbott: What was it you wanted?
Costello: Now who's playin' third base?
Abbott: Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: Why? Who am I putting over there?
Abbott: Yes. But we don't want him there.
Costello: What's the guy's name on third base?
Abbott: What belongs on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: You got an outfield?
Abbott: Oh yes!
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Costello: Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.
Abbott: Who is playing fir-
Costello: STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left fielder's name.
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's center field.
Costello: Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
Costello: The pitcher's name.
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't wanna tell me today?
Abbott: I'm tellin' you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir-
Costello: I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first. I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: You got a catcher?
Abbott: Oh, absolutely.
Costello: The catcher's name.
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.
Abbott: Well, I can't help that.
Costello: Well, I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: I know that.
Costello: Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!
Abbott: Well, that's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: Who caught it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's right. There we go.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: You don't!
Costello: I throw it to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
Abbott: You're not saying it that way.
Costello: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You don't - you throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally!
Abbott: Well, say that!
Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: Who has it?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - triple play.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Another guy gets up - it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What was that?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.
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Subject: Christmas Cake Recipe.
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
Try another cup ... just in case Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.
Check the vodka.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS
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Subject: The Photographer.
Morris, a professional photographer was invited to dinner at the Goldblums, and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. Millie Goldblum looked at his photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal Millie ! You must have some very good pots."
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Subject: Five cannibals.
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand rises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
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Subject: An idea.
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television... and later to the remote control.
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Subject: Move Your Cars.
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students parked on University Drive please move their cars so we can begin plowing?"
Twenty minutes later: "Will the 1,200 students who went to move the 26 cars please return to class?"
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Subject: Gossip.
Joan, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
However, she made a mistake when she recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.
George, a dedicated Christian and man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
Her gossiping ceased.
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