 Flowers.
No one available.
True story.
Life Style.
Farmer Clyde.
Pizza.
Gas 'em up!
Quarters needed.
On Being Colored.
Year of 1903.
GBA.
British Courtesy.
Fidel Castro.
Doug and Bill.
Grandpa.
Who Brews the Coffee?
Woman's Hairdresser.
The Preachers & the Bear.
No Bother.
So Good...
Rules.
Pay Equity.
Lesser known Hussein family members.
The Subject!
Toast.
You know you're Italian when...
Conversation.
Excuses for Missing Work.
Senior Citizen's Alphabet.
Pennsylvania State Trooper.
Life... Philosophy 101.
The Brown Bag.
To err is human, but ... (computer error).
Baptized.
Golf.
Heaven and Hell.
Cold Winter.
The Cat.
Only in Texas.
Im 'stralian.
Unemployment Agency.
Picking up a Priest.
For Sale.
Mr President.
The Grave.
Computer Problems.
The Sermon.
Soup's Cold.
Mother's Day.
Make a Wish.
An Educational Psychologist.
The Lettuce.
Abbott & Costello Meet WIN '95.
The Sly Old Guy.
Amazing!
Hallelujah.
A Commuter.
The Cannibals.
Passing Cigars.
Calling Aunt Sarah.
Divorce Court.
Powell's Conference.
Security Fence.
Rolls Royce Keys.
Widdle Wabbits!!!
Little Kids & Church.
Are you hurt?
Birthday Boy.
The Press and Republicans.
Money.
The Olympics.
How Old Are You?
Two Airplane Mechanics.
Double Check.
Big Brother Syndrome.
What I did today.
Late.
Insurance.
Ear Muffs.
A New Kind of Car.
Buried.
Webster.
Clean A Cat.
Horseradish.
Pray for me.
The Playpen.
In Church.
In The Wrong Church.
Secret of Long Life.
Life's Calling.
Caution.
Girl on the Beach.
At The Bar.
First Train Ride.
Moooo.
I'll Always Love You.
New Pastor.
Total Commitment Vs Contribution Defined.
Adam and Eve.
Test your IQ.
The Letter.
The Perks of Being Over 50.
Why the French have to speak English.
Mother Superior.
GOD, If You are Real.
Blessed with Three-In-One Oil.
Using The Crash Cart.
No Appreciation.
Wealth, Wisdom, or Beauty.
Sick Leave Abuse.
Stolen Wallet.
Artificial Respiration.
First Wedding.
Where Did The Love Go, Honey?
Day Care Center.
Him Too?
Two by Fours.
Begin In.
Burn and Freeze.
Beauty Make-Over.
The Real Meanings.
The Will.
Intelligence Quotient.
Michael Jackson.
New Yorkers.
Concept of Marriage.
Morning Prayer.
Dear Alice.
Retired Detective.
Gimme a Beer.
The Friendship.
The Lazy Workers.
Can you read?
The New Watchman.
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.
Taken But NOT Kept!
Pictures.
2 Birds, 2 Men and 1 Shotgun?
Don't Step on the Ducks.
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 Top
Subject: Flowers.
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your good luck!"
Top
Subject: No one available.
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed, she could see from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. I phoned the police, but they told me that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they'd be available. I said "OK," hung up, and waited one minute, then phoned the police back. "Hello. I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area; an Armed Response unit; SWAT; the Canine unit: the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Top
Subject: True story.
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!". The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down. she loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS.
Top
Subject: Life Style.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians, British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians, British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians, British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians, British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians, British or Americans.
6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians, New Zealanders, Canadians, British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Top
Subject: Farmer Clyde.
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie"
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"
"Now what would you say?"
Top
Subject: Pizza.
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there is any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
Top
Subject: Gas 'em up!
A trucker goes into a neighborhood coffee shop and says to the waitress, "I want 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights."
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires and a pair of headlights. Does he think this is an auto parts store?"
"No" the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes and a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."
"Oh!" says the waitress. She then spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says "What are the beans for?"
The waitress replies "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires and headlights, that you might want to gas up."
Top
Subject: Quarters needed.
On a busy night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."
I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.
"Right here," I said breathlessly.
His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."
Top
Subject: On Being Colored.
This was written by a black guy in Texas......
When I was born, I was black
When I am grown up, I am black
When I go out in the sun, I am black
When I get cold, I am black
When I get scared, I am black
When I get sick, I am black
And when I die, I am still black.
You white folks.....
When you are born, you are pink
When you grow up, you are white
When you go out in sun, you are red
When you get cold, you turn blue
When you get scared, you are yellow
When you get sick, you are green
And when you die, you are gray.
So who you callin' colored.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Top
Subject: Year of 1903.
This ought to boggle your mind!
The year is 1903 ... one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1902:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 Percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st- most populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents and Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the is, in a perfect guardian of health."
18 percent of households in the U.S. had at least one servant or one domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
Just think what it will be like in another 100 years. It boggles the mind.
Top
Subject: GBA.
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
God Bless America.
Top
Subject: British Courtesy.
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Top
Subject: Fidel Castro.
Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven.
When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "Wow! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
Top
Subject: Doug and Bill.
Doug and Bill were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on a race, the track tells the government."
Bill says, "Well it could be worse."
Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won $600?"
Bill sighs, "Telling your wife."
Top
Subject: Grandpa.
The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth?"
Top
Subject: Who Brews the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first. If you brew it you will not have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking. You should do it because it is your job. I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it because it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So she Opened her Bible to the New Testament and showed him that at the top of several pages it did indeed say ..."HEBREWS"
Top
Subject: Woman's Hairdresser.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, ! the service is surly and They're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to! go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and! gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really?" ...."What'd he say?"
He said, "Where did you get that awful hairdo?"
Top
Subject: The Preachers & the Bear.
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of a very large college campus that shall remain unnamed. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first.
"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to read to him from the Baltimore Chatecism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, "WELL brothers... you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed. He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
Top
Subject: No Bother.
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flowerbeds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard? "
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that. "
Top
Subject: So Good...
I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I worked particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped. My seven-year-old son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words carefully after the meal.
"Mom, " he said, "that dinner was so good I thought someone else made it. "
Top
Subject: Rules.
A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food, " one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud, " said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat? " the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap. "
Top
Subject: Pay Equity.
A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him.
"You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them. "
"All right, " said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board. "
"Anybody else? " asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.
"Yeah, " the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco. "
"Aha! " the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit! "
"You're talkin' to him now, " said the farmer.
Top
Subject: Lesser known Hussein family members.
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the other brothers :
Sooflay ............. the restauranteur
Guday ............... the half-Australian brother
Huray ............... the sports fanatic
Bejay ............... the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay ..... the twins from the African mother
Sayhay .............. the baseball player
Ojay ................ the stalker / murderer
Gulay ............... the singer / entertainer
Ebay ................ the internet czar
Biliray ............. the country music star
Ecksray ............. the radiologist
Puray ............... the blender factory owner
Regay ............... the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay ............... the one with bad hair.
Oy Vay .............. The one no one likes to talk about.
Among the sisters :
Pusay ............... the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay .............. the coffee shop owner
Bufay ............... the 300 pound sister
Dushay .............. the clean sister
Phayray ............. the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway ............ the grocery store owner
Ollay ............... the half-mexican sister
Gudlay .............. the prostitute
More will no doubt be discovered.
Top
Subject: The Subject!
Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY! "
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY. "
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject. "
Top
Subject: Toast.
Our son recently married a Russian woman. During the reception, Russian and American guests proposed toasts. As someone translated, my sister-in-law said, "Good health, good fortune. Go forth and multiply. "
I couldn't help noticing that some of the guests looked confused.
We found out later that the toast had been translated as, "Good health, good fortune. Go and do math. "
Top
Subject: You know you're Italian when...
This is when you know you're a true paisan..........
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate all witnesses.
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY.
You know you're Italian when . . .. You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9 ", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
- Your grandfather had a fig tree.
- You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
- Your mom's meatballs are the best.
- You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
- Plastic on the furniture is normal.
- You know how to pronounce "manicotti " and "mozzarella. "
- You fight over whether it's called "sauce " or "gravy. "
- You've called someone a "mamaluke ".
- And you understand "bada bing ".
Top
Subject: Conversation.
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H = Husband, W = Wife)
H - "Hello? "
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "
H - "Yes. "
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it? "
H - "What's the price? "
W - "Only $1,000. "
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much... "
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year... "
H - "What price did he quote you? "
W - "Only $60,000... "
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. "
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else... "
H - "What? "
W - "It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property. "
H - "How much are they asking? "
W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover... "
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK? "
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!! "
H - "Bye...I love you too... "
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks...
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to? "
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Subject: Excuses for Missing Work.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not s showing up for work. Okay?
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
- I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
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Subject: Senior Citizen's Alphabet.
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to s--?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind,
Have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
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Subject: Pennsylvania State Trooper.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north of the Pa/MD State line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."
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Subject: Life... Philosophy 101.
A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, without a word, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full.
The students agreed with a unanimous --yes!
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents in to the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," the professor said, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions --things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff!"
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing . Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!"
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Subject: The Brown Bag.
Sally was driving home in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
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Subject: To err is human, but ... (computer error).
A man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send then $0.00.
In retrospect, he probably should have let them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that (are you ready for this?) the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.
Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been cancelled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt.
He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could now not process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect his debt.
This man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Who said, "To err is human, but to really mess things up it takes a computer...?" Computers may not be the root of all evil, but some days I'm convinced they come close.
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Subject: Baptized.
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said,
"We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."
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Subject: Golf.
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."
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Subject: Heaven and Hell.
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted for us!"
VOTE WISELY!!!
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Subject: Cold Winter.
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
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Subject: The Cat.
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car. ...
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Subject: Only in Texas.
A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
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Subject: Im 'stralian.
You know you're an Australian when...
1. You've caught a blowfly buzzing around your head with your bare hands.
2. You've mimicked Alf Stewart from 'Home and Away' - "Push off, ya flamin' drongo".
3. You have argued whether Fords are better than Holden's.
4. You've done the Hot Sand run from the beach to your towel.
5. You know who Ray Martin is.
6. You call your home "my joint".
7. You start using words like 'Bloody, grouse and champ'.
8. You stop greeting people with 'Hello' and go straight into 'how are ya?'
9. You've seriously considered running down to the shops in a pair of ugh boots.
10. You own ugh boots.
11. You've been to a one day cricket match and screamed incomprehensibly until your throat was raw.
12. You've had to decide between putting up with mosquitoes and moving the BBQ inside.
13. You've changed your ring tone on your mobile phone to something much more annoying than the one it came with.
14. You kind of know the first verse of the national anthem, but buggered if you know what 'girt' means.
15. You have a story that some how revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named 'Dave'.
16. You're secretly annoyed with Russell Crowe.
17. You own a Bonds t-shirt and wear it with pride.
18. You've attended a music festival on the hottest day of the year.
19. You've tried to hang off a Hills Hoist while pretending you could fly.
20. You've had to visit the emergency room after hanging off Hills Hoist and pretending you could fly.
21. You own pair of thongs for every day use, and another pair of dress thongs for special occasions.
22. You don't know what's in a meat pie and you don't care.
23. You pronounce Australia: 'Strayl-ya'.
24. You call soccer 'soccer', not football.
25. You know a dog named Bluey.
26. You've squeezed Vegemite between VitaWheat to make Vegemite worms.
27. You suck coffee though a Tim Tam.
28. You've become deeply cynical of politicians.
29. You realise that lifeguards are the only ones who can wear Speedo's and look good.
30. Done the Sunday session.
31. You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.
32. In your CD collection you have at least one: Kylie Minogue, Cold Chisel or Paul Kelly.
33. You understand the value of Public Holidays.
34. You think that the Crocodile Hunter is just stupid.
35. You believe that the flavour of any meal is improved by adding tomato sauce.
36. You have been invited to a B&S Ball.
37. Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.
38. You have a toilet dolly.
39. You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out of a fence post.
40. You still go on about how great the Sydney Olympics were.
41. You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told a mate in tough times that 'She'll be right, mate'.
42. You use the phrase 'no worries' at least once a day.
43. You've been on a beach holiday and probably stayed in a caravan.
44. You constantly shorten words. For example, breakfast becomes 'brekkie' and afternoon becomes 'arvo', barbeque becomes 'barbie'.
45. You order a $5 steak the size of your head at your local RSL.
46. You've adopted a local bar as one of your own.
47. You know all the words to 'Holy Grail' and 'Khe Sahn' and sing it at the top of your lungs.
48. You've wondered why Bert Newton is still pretty cool for an old guy.
49. You can't understand why John Farnham never became an international success.
50. You know that the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance.
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Subject: Unemployment Agency.
A guy walks into the local unemployment agency, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on the dole. I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the unemployment agency desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullsh1tt1ng me!"
The unemployment agency officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
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Subject: Picking up a Priest.
There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.
He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, "Hot! A lawyer that I could run over!" So he speeds up and heads straight for him.
At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.
He says to the priest "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!"
The priest then replies "That's ok son, I got him with my door."
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Subject: For Sale.
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale.
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Subject: Mr President.
The president went to visit a nursing home.
He walked up to a lady in a wheel chair and said, "Mam, do you know who I am?"
She answered, pointing, "No sir I don't know who you are but if you go up to that desk they can tell you."
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Subject: The Grave.
A sailor, after placing some flowers on a grave in a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave, and asked, "What time do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend come up to smell the flowers."
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Subject: Computer Problems.
If you are having computer problems, this is what you need to do...
Take the mouse thingy and click on the whosit, then scroll down to the third thingamagig, highlight it and copy and paste to the whatchamacallit. It will take you to the gismo that you are looking for.
Works for me everytime!
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Subject: The Sermon.
A backslider suddenly began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing. The pastor was highly gratified and told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"
"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "it's a matter of choice. I'd rather hear your sermon than hers."
"
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Subject: Soup's Cold.
The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word - ever.
One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."
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Subject: Mother's Day.
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
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Subject: Make a Wish.
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
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Subject: An Educational Psychologist.
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
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Subject: When Should I Plant The Lettuce?
A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
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Subject: ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET WIN '95.
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
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Subject: The Sly Old Guy.
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Sixty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "We're not letting them get a divorce!" she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
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Subject: AMAZING!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
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Subject: Hallelujah.
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no... Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.
Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, in Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.
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Subject: A Commuter.
Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
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Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
The Railroad
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Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your reply to my letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your trains in the last two years.
Yours truly,
A Commuter
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Subject: The Cannibals.
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
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Subject: Passing Cigars.
An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced...
"It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"
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Subject: Calling Aunt Sarah.
"How could you have called Aunt Sarah?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."
"Yes, I do and I did call her," the girl replied.
I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince her that she didn't know her number, but she insisted she had made the call.
"Okay," I said finally. "What did she say, then, if you called her?"
"She told me I had the wrong number."
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Subject: Divorce Court.
Esther wanted a divorce from Irving. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?"
"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot."
"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?"
"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
Irving shouted out, "She did, too!"
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Subject: Powell's Conference.
Sometime early in July while Secretary of State Colin Powell was at the UN, an Iraqi television reporter asked him a sarcastic question, and Powell, without missing a beat gave the following answer, and left him speechless.
"Mr. Secretary, isn't it true that only about 13% of all Americans under the age of 25 know where Iraq is on a map?"
"Yes, that's true - but unfortunately for you - they're all Marines."
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Subject: Security Fence.
The border security fence is comprised of many sections totaling scores of miles. Some sections are concrete, others sheet metal.
The barrier is three layers deep in parts, fifteen feet high and surrounded by razor wire. The area around it is lit by spotlights, monitored by cameras, motion detectors and magnetic sensors, and patrolled by armed guards with attack dogs.
But enough about the USA border with Mexico, let's talk about Israel...
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Subject: Rolls Royce Keys.
A Belgian guy watched a Dutchman in a cafe get the most beautiful girls without any trouble, even though he did not look very nice.
Asked how he did this, the Dutchman said: well very easy; when I enter I toss the keys of my Rolls Royce on the bar and they just flock to me. Though I am as poor as you, the keys do it.
So this Belgian guy buys some nice Rolls keys and tries it also, but to no avail.
He asks the Dutchy for advice again; yes says the Dutchman, if you don't take off your bicycle helmet it don't work.
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Subject: Widdle Wabbits!!!
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,
"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
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Subject: Little Kids & Church.
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
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Subject: Are you hurt?
Nigel and Simon were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.
"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes" said Nigel
"Are you sure Nigel?" said Simon "You're ever so brave!"
So Nigel went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round he went, faster and faster until the chain on his seat broke, sending him hurtling through the air for about 300 yards until he slammed into a brick wall.
Simon ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried "Are you hurt Nigel?"
A dazed Nigel opened his eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!"
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Subject: Birthday Boy.
The reporter was sent out to cover the 100th birthday party of the oldest resident in town. During the interview of the "Birthday Boy" the reporter asked him if he could share any secrets for reaching the century mark.
The reply was,
"Well, I walked every day for the last seventy five years. No matter what the weather was like - rain, sun, sleet, snow, hail, cold - I took a walk every day for the past seventy five years."
The reporter was a bit puzzled by this high level of dedication for walking. He asked the old man why he would walk every day, in every kind of weather, for seventy five years. the old man told him,
"I married my lovely wife over there seventy five years ago on my birthday. On our wedding night, we made a pact that if we had an argument, whoever was wrong would go outside and take a walk."
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Subject: The Press and Republicans.
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia.
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event.
The banner headline is "Bush Can't Swim."
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Subject: Money.
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
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Subject: How To Get Into The Olympics.
An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.
The other two see this and are amazed. The Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing." The guards let him in also.
The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing." |