Subject:CNN Breaking News Alert. A tragic fire on Wednesday morning, July 7, 2004, destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.
Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the President is devastated, as he had not yet finished coloring the second one.
Subject: Staked Out. I'm a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.
He stopped and sat just out of arm's reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge.
After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the dog's stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I'd been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.
Subject: Cutting Wood. This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"
Subject: The Verdict. After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me?"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman,
"Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
Subject: Marriage Counseling. A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
Subject: House Calls. A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.
"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.
"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.
"Fifteen dollars."
"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."
Subject: My Mother Taught Me. 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... Then you'll see what it's like."
Subject: Polish Deer Hunters. Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck."
Subject: Let the Man Up. A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
Subject: Famous Fable. There's a famous fable, perhaps told by Aesop, concerning a skunk, a lion and a hawk who were debating as to which one was the most dangerous and feared animal in the jungle.
The hawk claimed top dog: 'I win because I hit 'em from above and, from above, I got the best view of all. I see things nobody else does!'
The lion rejoined: 'Nonsense! I'm the most powerful animal of all, with the longest, sharpest teeth and claws. I'm the most dangerous, for sure!'
Then the skunk said: 'I have power to stink up the whole jungle and run out every man or beast in the territory.'
And so they argued, on and on, until a big old bear came ambling along and swallowed the three of them, Hawk, Lion and Stinker!
Subject: Only in America. Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the, driveway and put useless junk in the garage.
Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..
Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Subject: Census Taker. The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.
"Certainly." he replied
"Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.
The census taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills."
Subject: Out of Bread. The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the please of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.
"Is he such a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
Subject: The Inheritance. Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man", he said to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and in a few days she became his......
Subject: Eagerly Pay Your Taxes. A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
Subject: Love and Beauty. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says, "So she would love you."
Subject: Out Of This World. A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
Subject: The Delivery. The nurse went out into the hallway and spoke to the man in the sterile gown and mask pacing up and down saying, "The delivery is going so well, wouldn't you like to come in now?"
"No! I can't stand all that blood and screaming. Leave me alone."
A few minutes later, she went out again and said, "It is almost over. Wouldn't you like to come in now?"
"No! Leave me alone! I told you I can't stand all that blood and screaming!"
"But, you must," the nurse replied. "The delivery is almost finished, you are the doctor!"
Subject: Polish Divorce. A Polish man married an American girl after he had been in the United States a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "Yah, Yah, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 5.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, 'Polish Remover'."
Subject: Indian wants Coffee. An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Subject: Things to Think About. Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If the shoe fits .... buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
Subject: Two Brothers. The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
Subject: New Mercedes. Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Subject: Marriage Therapy. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Subject: Speeding? A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Subject: An Odd Request. A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."
Subject: Tossing The Coin. A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
Subject: The Trick. The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
Subject: The Diet. "My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."
"Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?"
"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"
Subject: Taxing Situation. A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Subject: How Much Control? There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Subject: We? The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians.
They start to spur their horse forward, when they realized that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize they were surrounded. The Indians had spread out and they were trapped.
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, "Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed."
"We?" replied Tonto. "What's all this 'we' stuff, Paleface?"
Subject: Gang of Snails. A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.
The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree.
Several hours later, he summoned the strength to go to the police and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers.
He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast."
Subject: The Bishop's Role. We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.
At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.
He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
Subject: Senior Citizen. A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
Subject: Help. A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself, "This is unusual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The Prime Minister, John Howard, is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The public servant asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
Subject: Drunk. Message A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entry way.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
Subject: Shopping. Grandpa Aaron was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!
Then Grandpa said sadly "You can't DO that any more, they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
Subject: Baseball in Heaven. Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both played and loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe. Moe."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam."
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful. What's the bad news?"
Subject: Fun Math. ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Subject: Butch The Rooster. John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of John's time so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them.
Subject: 2 Elements Added To The Periodic Table. Two new elements added to the Periodic Table of the Elements:
1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)
Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when place next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Subject: Harvey and Gladys Goldman. Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled; my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and, my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the late Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue.
Subject: The Dead Birdie. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
Subject: The Inheritance. Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man", he said to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and in a few days she became his...... stepmother.
Subject: Touché. A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"
(I love old people! They do have a lot to offer!!!)
Subject: True or False. Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6 Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Subject: What's in a name? The medal winning Olympic runner, Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo), is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.
She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of large South African metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work.
It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: "Picabo, ICU"
Subject: Catholic Heart Attack. A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Subject: New Words for the Workplace. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to See what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed outand whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube Farm and then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.
Subject: For Mature People. Most of us could do with a little more exercise. Try this:- And in the interests of good health, exercise and all that, here is a new exercise routine for all of you that are over 50.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
NOTE: always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP.. .
That's enough for the first day. Have some a small whiskey.
Subject: Auto Replies. Excellent Out of Office Auto Replies.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Mary' instead of 'Jon'.'
Subject: A Tourist. Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida.
In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"
Subject: Cutting the Grass. When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow he just ignored the message. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush."When you finish cutting the grass," he said,"you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp!
Subject: The First Blonde Guy Joke. An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage,and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
Subject: How the Government Works. Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
Subject: Goldfish. Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole. Just then, her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you doing, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully. Without looking up Nancy said, "I just finished burying him."
The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."
Subject: Hometown Food. An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place to get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: 'pepper only'."
Subject: The Avalanche. Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling. Moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire using brush he found on the ground.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from a nearby cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled,
"Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, and still work-harried, the executive calls back, "I already gave at the office!"
Subject: How Smart is Your Right Foot? This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so.
Subject: Little Boy. A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
Subject: Vincent van Gogh's Relatives. His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ---------------- -----------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------------U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------- A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------------- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------- E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------------------Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ---Winnie Bay Gogh
Well, there you Gogh!
Subject: Thanks for all your emails! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!
Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease.
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using Deodorant because you said it causes cancer.
I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bath tub full of ice.
However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.
OOPS I ALMOST FORGOT, IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you tonight at 7:00 PM.
DAD SAYS: Ah my son, I guess someday you will need to find out anyway! Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was to late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said "You've Got Male!"
Subject: My Boots. There was a little blonde girl in school. She cried, so the teacher asked her what was the matter. She sobbed, "I can't find my boots."
The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, "Are these yours?" "No, they're not mine," replied the blonde girl.
The teacher and the girl searched all over the classroom for her boots. Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"
"I'm sure," the girl sobbed, "mine had snow on them."
Subject: Getting Ready for the Students. As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
Subject: Red Gas Truck. Two men sitting side by side in a 747 plane started to talk. One explained he had never flown before.
They left the airport in New York City headed for Los Angeles, California.
They landed in Chicago, whereupon a little red truck pulled up and refueled the plane.
They again landed to refuel in Denver. A little red truck pulled up to the plane and refueled it.
As they were about to land at their destination the veteran flier pointed out to the novice what great time they had made.
The novice said, "Yes they had made good time, but that little red truck wasn't doing bad either".
Subject: Irish Shopping. McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin", said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
Subject: The Sick Tree. We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.
The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.
He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"
Subject: Making Coffee. Jill went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later Jill was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."
Subject: Diet. A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
Subject: Can't Lose It. A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "New ball?" The guy says, "Would you believe this is the greatest golf ball ever made?
You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a big burst of steam goes off six feet in the air for two whole minutes."
"That's amazing," says the friend, "Where'd you get it?"
"I found it."
Subject: Jew in Ireland. There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great - if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."
Subject: Sins of the Flesh. A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!!"
Subject: Pope and Clinton. During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
Subject: Just Among Us Girls. Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry; I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
Subject: Give Me A Push. A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It's three o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello!
Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
Subject: 6 O'clock News. A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
Subject: Tranquilizers. The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes" the mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
"Who cares?" she replied.
Subject: Curlers. My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."
The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"
Subject: Bang. Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young and gullible recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."
Subject: Heart Attack. Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
Subject: Turkey. A lady was shopping for a turkey in a grocery store and after pawing through the freezer section and growing dissatisfied with the small ones that were left, she turned to the stock boy and asked snippishly, "Don't these turkeys get any bigger?"
To which he calmly replied, "No maam. They're dead!"
Subject: Some Questions, Some Statements. 1. Can you cry under water?
2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. If you have to "put your two cents in". . . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra money going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake-up like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the round?
13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
18. Just remember. . . . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
19. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!!!
Subject: Cooking Lessons. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL!" he yelled. "Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she said. "You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs after all these years?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
Subject: Seniors. We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!
Subject: The Mystery. A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.
The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Subject: Christmas Tree. Ernie and his dad ventured into the woods to bring home a Christmas tree.
They walked for hours in the snow, examining every tree they found.
As the afternoon turned into evening, the temperature dropped ten degrees and the wind began to blow. Still no tree.
Finally, Ernie piped up: "Listen, Dad, I really think we'd better take the next tree we see, whether it has lights on it or not!"
Subject: The Memorial Stone. A woman's husband dies. He only had $20,000 to his name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery; she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke, already?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $400 and I spent another $400 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$13,200 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
Subject: New York's Kennedy Airport. At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence.
Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."
The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."
Subject: Beyond Murphy's Law. 1. Regardless of what you might accomplish in life, the size of your funeral is still going to be determined by the weather.
2. If two pills are required, three will come out of the bottle. When attempting to put the third pill back in the bottle, two will go in.
3. The better the radio reception, the more religious the station.
4. The barcode in the checkout line won't work on an item you are embarrassed to be buying.
5. Those who have all the answers usually don't know what the questions are.
6. Mind the real objective: why worry about low tire pressure when you are out of gas?
7. Integrity is like oxygen: the higher you go, the less is of it.
8. A minor operation is one that is done on someone else.
9. The fancier the restaurant, the smaller the piece of pie.
10. Travel Rule: the words "magical" and "enchanting" in travel ads mean your drinks will cost four times more that they're worth plus you'll get sand flies.
Subject: Good News and Bad News. Leah phones her husband at work, "Issy, do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won't take long," Leah says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven't the time" says Issy, "so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your new Lexus works very well."
Subject: Morris and Hetty. Morris the Brooklyn tailor is worried because his wife Hetty is very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that Dr Myers is the best doctor in Brooklyn, so Morris rings him to say that he would like him to treat Hetty.
Dr Myers says, "OK, but can you afford me? What if I'm unable to save Hetty and you decide not to pay my bills?"
Morris replies, "I promise to pay you anything, no matter whether you cure Hetty or kill her."
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately, Hetty dies soon after.
When Dr Myers' bill arrives, Morris refuses to pay, despite his promise. After much arguing, they agree to take the issue to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to the Rabbi. "He promised to pay me, 'no matter whether I cured his wife or killed her.'"
After a few minutes deliberation, the Rabbi says, "So did you cure her?"
Dr Myers has to reply, "No."
The Rabbi then asks, "So did you kill her?"
"No, I certainly did not," replied Dr Myers.
"In that case," says the Rabbi, "Morris owes you nothing - you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that your fee should be paid."
Subject: Wedding Gift. Mary had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.
"Aha", she thought, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."
She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on.
The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
Subject: Maurice and Becky. Maurice and Becky are arguing over who should brew the coffee each morning.
Becky says, "As you get up first in the morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won't have to wait too long for our coffee."
"But you're in charge of all the cooking," replies Maurice, "that's your job, so you should make it. And if I have to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don't mind."
"But it says in the bible that the man should make the coffee," says Becky.
"OK", responds Maurice, "if you can show me where it says that, I'll never question you again."
Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her neighbor and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed says 'Hebrews'.
Subject: Pakistan This Morning. This morning,from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will halt America's supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.
It's really getting ugly!
Subject: The New Priest. The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No Kidding! What happened next?'"
Subject: Flies. A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Subject: Pregnant. A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Subject: Keys. One day a husband was chiding his beautiful wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.
"If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.
"Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.
"Oh that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the glove box!"
Subject: About Your Health. A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Subject: Ancient Ancestry. The following was overheard at a recent 'high society' party:
"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine.
She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"
"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of our records were lost in the flood."
Subject: Mount Sinai Hospital. A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me anything!"
Subject: The New Immigrant. A Pakistani arrives in Dallas, Texas. All excited, he stops the first person he encounters. "Good day, Mr. American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and..."
The person interrupts and says, "I am not American, I'm Chinese."
The Pakistani continues on his way and comes upon another passer-by. "Thank you Mr. American for to let my family and me stay here..."
Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence, "American, no! Mexican National, si. See, still wet....."
The Pakistani continues on his way and until he sees another passer-by. "Mr. American, me thank you for hospitality you give..."
"My friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American."
"But," answers the dismayed Pakistani, "where are all the Americans?"
The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they're all at work."
Subject: Fidel in Heaven. Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
Subject: The Mortician. A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I switched the heads."
Subject: To be Six Again. A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Subject: What Happens When Grandma Learns To E-Mail. Dear Kids,
I am very happy in the new residence you have put me in. This week we actually got to go outside for an hour. I haven't been feeling very good this week - the friend I shared a room with died yesterday. I am coping pretty well with my sorrows. It's been six months since you've visited me last; I guess you're all pretty busy. It's OK; I've learned to use the internet to pass the time. And the computer in the rec room has a pretty decent web cam, so you can remember what I look like. I have attached a recent picture of myself. You all take care, and write to me soon.
With all of my heart.
Love, Grandma
Subject: To Osama with Love! Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow him up."
Subject: The Employee. "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
Subject: Credit Card. Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
My Aunt died this past January.
Citibank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00. Now it was somewhere around $60.00.
I placed the following phone call to Citibank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau... maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm! her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given) (After they get the fax)
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death."
Me: "Oh..."
Citibank: "I don't know what more I can do to help."
Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't really think she will care!"
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129 and plot number given."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on YOUR planet?!!"
Citibank Hung Up!!!
Subject: The Chaplain. A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"
The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"
Subject: Ordering Pizza in 2008. Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?
Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.
Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. E-mail address is eehan@home.net I see you're calling me from home.
Customer: Huh? Where'd you get all this information?
Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.
Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.
Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?
Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.
Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.
Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then.
Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.
Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?
Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?
Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.
Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^$%^$@#
Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?
Customer: (speechless)
Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.
Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!
Subject: Seniors. I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV.
So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day. When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!" I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."
"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house??!) that she had an appointment for a tint job."
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital, working in the gift shop.
I called my aunt (age 74); but she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79); I forgot, he was on his honeymoon.
So now I dread old age more than ever, I just don't think I'm up to it.
Subject: The Cricket. A Native American and his friend were in downtown New York City, walking near Times Square. It was during the noon lunch hour, and the streets were filled with people. Cars were honking their horns, taxicabs were squealing around corners, sirens were wailing, and the sounds of the city were almost deafening.
Suddenly, the Native American said, "I hear a cricket."
His friend said, "What? You must be crazy. You couldn't possibly hear a cricket in all of this noise!"
"No, I'm sure of it," the Native American said, "I heard a cricket."
"That's crazy," said the friend.
The Native American listened carefully for a moment. Then he walked across the street to a big cement planter where some shrubs were growing. He looked beneath the branches, and sure enough, he located a small cricket.
His friend was utterly amazed. "That's incredible," said his friend. "You must have super-human ears!"
"No," said the Native American. "My ears are no different from yours. It all depends on what you're listening for."
"But that can't be!" said the friend. "I could never hear a cricket in this noise."
"Yes, it's true," came the reply. "It depends on what is really important to you. Here, let me show you."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a few coins, discreetly dropping them on the sidewalk. And then, with the noise of the crowded street still blaring in their ears, every head within twenty feet turned and looked to see if the money that clinked on the pavement was theirs.
"See what I mean?" asked the Native American. "It all depends on what's important to you."
Subject: Garfield Has It Right. "We all get heavier as we get older because, there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!"
Subject: We Have Always Done It This Way. The U.S. Standard Railroad Gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Now that's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that particular gauge used?
As it turns out, because that's the way they built them in Jolly Olde England, and English expatriates and Irish labourers built the US Railroads.
So why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did they use that gauge?
Because the folks who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which happened to use that particular wheel spacing. Retooling was expensive.
Now, why did the wagons have that particular, odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel-ruts -about 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
Who built those old, rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe and England, for their Legions. These roads have been used ever since.
How did the ruts form in these roads?
Roman war chariots dug the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in wheel spacing.
So the United States standard railroad gauge is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot, and bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's butt came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now a twist to this story…..
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRB's had to fit through the tunnel, but the tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track as you know is about as wide as two horse's behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of two horse' butts.
And you thought being a horse's butt wasn't important!
Subject: Fast Weight Loss Diet. Have you heard about the new system for weight control? The one that just crossed the Pacific from Asia?
Reportedly, it works great, and is really easy, too.
All you have to do is remember that, while you can eat anything you want, you always use just one chopstick. (Not Sharpened)
Subject: Choose Your Weapon. A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
Subject: Inflatable Doll. A man goes into an adult entertainment shop & asks the clerk for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male or female?"
"Female."
"Would you like Black or White?"
"White."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused him so he asks "What's religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explains the clerk "the Muslim one blows itself up."
Subject: Story With a Moral. There was a tradesman, a painter named Jock, who was always interested in making a penny wherever he could. He would often thin the paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their tallest buildings and of course, they put everything out for bid. Jock submitted his bid on the exterior painting, and because it was so low, he got the job. So he erected the scaffolding, purchased the paint and, as you might have guessed, thinned it down.
Well, Jock was very high up on the scaffolding, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there came a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the paint from the entire exterior of the building and knocked Jock from the scaffold where he landed on the lawn among many gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool! He knew this was judgment from the Almighty! So, getting down on his knees he cried: "Oh, God! Oh, God! Forgive me! What must I do?"
Thus, from the heavens a mighty voice spoke.
Subject: Got any Bread? A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any bread?"
And the barman replies, "No."
And the duck asks, "Got any bread?"
And the barman, "No!"
"Got any bread?"
"I said, N-O NO!"
"Got any bread?"
"For cryin' out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO!!"
"Got any bread?"
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"
"Got any bread?"
"Look, if you ask me one more time if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! WE HAVE NO BREAD!"
"Got any nails?"
"No!"
"Got any bread?"
Subject: Gas. A young nun named Sister Margaret Mary, who works for a local home health agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can to start with and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but if she would wait, it was sure to be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and she walked back to the car. After looking through the car for something to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank, two men were watching from across the street. One turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning catholic."
Subject: Coincidence? A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place." "The very first person who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician.
"In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession and...!"
Subject: Do Not Talk to My Parrot. Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Subject: The Dentist. A Scot goes to the dentist and asks the cost of a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction, sir," was the dentist's reply.
"Occhh, have ye no got anything cheaper," replies the Scots, getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction, sir, said the dentist."
"What about if ye dint use any anesthetic?" asked the Scot, hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual, sir, and it could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70," said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what if yer used one of your dentist trainees, and still with no anesthetics?" said the Scot.
"Well it's possible, but they are in training, and I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it will be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say £40," said the dentist.
"Ooch.., that's still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" said the Scot, hopefully.
"Hmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students, I suppose. In that case I'll charge you only £5," said the dentist.
"Now yer talking laddie! It's a deal," said the Scot.
"Can you confirm an appointment for me wife on Tuesday?"
Subject: Edna. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Subject: Lizzy. After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly WITCH he's runnin' around with!"
Subject: Honest Cop & Pushy Attorney. If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop. A Defense Attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing from the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best comeback line and we think he'll win.
Subject: New Wine For Seniors. California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pino Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will carry the label Pino More.
Subject: Passport. The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passport on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to."
Subject: Row, Row, Row That Boat! A couple of years ago, a Chinese company and an American company arranged to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Chinese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team became discouraged and depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Chinese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a seven figure consulting fee to sort it all out and recommend improvements.
After six months of intense work, the consultants advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. So the American Team acted. To prevent losing to the Chinese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was completely reorganized into 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
The Americans also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winning performance. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Chinese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a job well done.
Subject: Under the Bed. Bob went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.
Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."
"Is that so? How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Subject: Heavenly Golf. A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice. "Shit, I missed."
Subject: Immigration Test. Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at Telstra on the Help Desk.
Subject: Deaf and Dumb. A man walked into a bank and demanded money. The teller asked, "You want that in a bag?"
The partially deaf robber yelled back, "You're darn right I have a gun!"
Realizing the robber was hard-of-hearing, the clerk rang the alarm. The police showed up and arrested the confused robber.
He's now suing the bank for taking advantage of his disability.
Subject: Quick Wit. There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.
"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is praise the lord and stop is amen."
So the man on the horse says " Praise the lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the lord," and the horse starts to gallop.
Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells
"Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."
Subject: Time. An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, senor."
The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then, senor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, senor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
Subject: Deaf Humor. A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car.
Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can't remember which room was his!
He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up--except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.
Subject: The Pope. The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord - it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.'" Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news." "The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Wonderbread account."
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