 CNN Breaking News Alert.
Staked Out.
Cutting Wood.
The Verdict.
Marriage Counseling.
House Calls.
My Mother Taught Me.
Polish Deer Hunters.
Let the Man Up.
Famous Fable.
Only in America.
Census Taker.
Out of Bread.
The Inheritance.
Eagerly Pay Your Taxes.
Love and Beauty.
Out Of This World.
The Delivery.
Polish Divorce.
Indian wants Coffee.
Things to Think About.
Two Brothers.
New Mercedes.
Marriage Therapy.
Speeding?
An Odd Request.
Tossing The Coin.
The Trick.
The Diet.
Taxing Situation.
How Much Control?
We?
Gang of Snails.
The Bishop's Role.
Senior Citizen.
Help.
Drunk.
Shopping.
Baseball in Heaven.
Fun Math.
Butch The Rooster.
2 Elements.
Good News, Bad News.
Harvey and Gladys Goldman.
The Dead Birdie.
The Inheritance.
Touché.
True or False.
What's in a name?
Catholic Heart Attack.
New Words for the Workplace.
For Mature People.
Auto Replies.
A Tourist.
Abdul & Mohammed.
Cutting the Grass.
The First Blonde Guy Joke.
Smart Girl.
How the government works.
Goldfish.
Hometown Food.
The Avalanche.
Your Right Foot.
Little Boy.
Vincent van Gogh.
Thanks for all your emails!
How was I born?
My Boots.
Getting Ready for the Students.
Red Gas Truck.
Irish Shopping.
The Sick Tree.
Making Coffee.
Diet.
Can't Lose It.
Jew in Ireland.
Sins of the Flesh.
Pope and Clinton.
Just Among Us Girls.
Give Me A Push.
6 O'clock News.
Tranquilizers.
Curlers.
Bang.
Heart Attack.
Turkey.
Some Questions, Some Statements.
Cooking Lessons.
Seniors.
The Mystery.
Christmas Tree.
The Memorial Stone.
Kennedy Airport.
Beyond Murphy's Law.
Good News & Bad News.
Morris and Hetty.
Wedding Gift.
Maurice and Becky.
Pakistan This Morning.
The New Priest.
Flies.
Pregnant.
Keys.
About Your Health.
Ancient Ancestry.
Mount Sinai Hospital.
The New Immigrant.
Fidel in Heaven.
The Mortician.
To be Six Again.
Grandma Learns To E-Mail.
To Osama with Love!
The Employee.
Credit Card.
The Chaplain.
Ordering Pizza in 2008.
Seniors.
The Cricket.
Garfield Has It Right.
We Have Always Done It This Way.
Fast Weight Loss Diet.
Choose Your Weapon.
Inflatable Doll.
Story With a Moral.
Got any Bread?
Gas.
Coincidence?
Do Not Talk to My Parrot.
The Dentist.
Edna.
Lizzy.
Honest Cop & Pushy Attorney.
New Wine For Seniors.
Passport.
Row, Row, Row That Boat!
Under the Bed.
Heavenly Golf.
Immigration Test.
Deaf and Dumb.
Quick Wit.
Time.
Deaf Humor.
The Pope.
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 Top
Subject:CNN Breaking News Alert.
A tragic fire on Wednesday morning, July 7, 2004, destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.
Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the President is devastated, as he had not yet finished coloring the second one.
Top
Subject: Staked Out.
I'm a police officer and occasionally park my cruiser in residential areas to watch for speeders. One Sunday morning I was staked out in a driveway when I saw a large dog trot up to my car.
He stopped and sat just out of arm's reach. No matter how much I tried to coax him to come for a pat on the head, he refused to budge.
After a while, I decided to move to another location. I pulled out of the driveway, looked back, and learned the reason for the dog's stubbornness. He quickly picked up the newspaper I'd been parked on and dutifully ran back to his master.
Top
Subject: Cutting Wood.
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"
Top
Subject: The Verdict.
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks,
"Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me?"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman,
"Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,
"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
Top
Subject: Marriage Counseling.
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."
Top
Subject: House Calls.
A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.
"Twenty-five dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.
"How much is an office visit?" demanded the caller.
"Fifteen dollars."
"Okay, Doc," said the caller. "I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."
Top
Subject: My Mother Taught Me.
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING...."You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?"
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... Then you'll see what it's like."
Top
Subject: Polish Deer Hunters.
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck."
Top
Subject: Let the Man Up.
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenceless woman his seat", and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
Top
Subject: Famous Fable.
There's a famous fable, perhaps told by Aesop, concerning a skunk, a lion and a hawk who were debating as to which one was the most dangerous and feared animal in the jungle.
The hawk claimed top dog: 'I win because I hit 'em from above and, from above, I got the best view of all. I see things nobody else does!'
The lion rejoined: 'Nonsense! I'm the most powerful animal of all, with the longest, sharpest teeth and claws. I'm the most dangerous, for sure!'
Then the skunk said: 'I have power to stink up the whole jungle and run out every man or beast in the territory.'
And so they argued, on and on, until a big old bear came ambling along and swallowed the three of them, Hawk, Lion and Stinker!
Top
Subject: Only in America.
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the, driveway and put useless junk in the garage.
Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..
Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
Top
Subject: Census Taker.
The census taker knocked on the lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.
"Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?" she asked.
"Certainly." he replied
"Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.
The census taker simply wrote on the form, "As old as the Hills."
Top
Subject: Out of Bread.
The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the please of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.
"Is he such a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."
Top
Subject: The Inheritance.
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man", he said to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and in a few days she became his......
stepmother.
Men never learn.
Top
Subject: Eagerly Pay Your Taxes.
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
Top
Subject: Love and Beauty.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says, "So she would love you."
Top
Subject: Out Of This World.
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds. "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
Top
Subject: The Delivery.
The nurse went out into the hallway and spoke to the man in the sterile gown and mask pacing up and down saying, "The delivery is going so well, wouldn't you like to come in now?"
"No! I can't stand all that blood and screaming. Leave me alone."
A few minutes later, she went out again and said, "It is almost over. Wouldn't you like to come in now?"
"No! Leave me alone! I told you I can't stand all that blood and screaming!"
"But, you must," the nurse replied. "The delivery is almost finished, you are the doctor!"
Top
Subject: Polish Divorce.
A Polish man married an American girl after he had been in the United States a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "Yah, Yah, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 5.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, 'Polish Remover'."
Top
Subject: Indian wants Coffee.
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Top
Subject: Things to Think About.
Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If the shoe fits .... buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
Top
Subject: Two Brothers.
The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.
"There were two brothers, and one of them chose the wicked path of Satan. The brother was evil and corrupt and did great damage to many people, and wound up a convicted criminal in a tiny, dark cell.
But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.
Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life's stormy seas?"
Herman raised his hand and said, "Easy. One of them got caught."
Top
Subject: New Mercedes.
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"
Top
Subject: Marriage Therapy.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Top
Subject: Speeding?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."
Top
Subject: An Odd Request.
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty-thousand cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with thirty-thousand cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them."
Top
Subject: Tossing The Coin.
A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
Top
Subject: The Trick.
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear," she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
Top
Subject: The Diet.
"My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor.
"That's easy. I only eat pool balls."
"Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's the trouble. What kind do you eat?"
"All kinds," replied the man, "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"
Top
Subject: Taxing Situation.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Top
Subject: How Much Control?
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Top
Subject: We?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians.
They start to spur their horse forward, when they realized that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize they were surrounded. The Indians had spread out and they were trapped.
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, "Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed."
"We?" replied Tonto. "What's all this 'we' stuff, Paleface?"
Top
Subject: Gang of Snails.
A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails.
The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree.
Several hours later, he summoned the strength to go to the police and report the assault. He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers.
He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast."
Top
Subject: The Bishop's Role.
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.
At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.
He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
Top
Subject: Senior Citizen.
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
Top
Subject: Help.
A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself, "This is unusual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The Prime Minister, John Howard, is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The public servant asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
Top
Subject: Drunk.
Message A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entry way.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
Top
Subject: Shopping.
Grandpa Aaron was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!
Then Grandpa said sadly "You can't DO that any more, they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
Top
Subject: Baseball in Heaven.
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both played and loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe. Moe."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died." "I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam."
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful. What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
Top
Subject: Fun Math.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Subject: Butch The Rooster.
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of John's time so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them.
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Subject: 2 Elements Added To The Periodic Table.
Two new elements added to the Periodic Table of the Elements:
1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)
Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.
Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when place next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
________________________________________
2. Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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Subject: Good News, Bad News.
Larry tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.
After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
Larry replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"
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Subject: Harvey and Gladys Goldman.
Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled; my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and, my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the late Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue.
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Subject: The Dead Birdie.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
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Subject: The Inheritance.
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man", he said to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and in a few days she became his...... stepmother.
Men never learn.
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Subject: Touché.
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"
(I love old people! They do have a lot to offer!!!)
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Subject: True or False.
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6 Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Are you ready for the answers?
They are all true. Now go back and think.
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Subject: What's in a name?
The medal winning Olympic runner, Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo), is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.
She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of large South African metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work.
It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say: "Picabo, ICU"
A good clean story is hard to find these days!
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Subject: Catholic Heart Attack.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Subject: New Words for the Workplace.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to See what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed outand whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube Farm and then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.
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Subject: For Mature People.
Most of us could do with a little more exercise. Try this:- And in the interests of good health, exercise and all that, here is a new exercise routine for all of you that are over 50.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
NOTE: always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP.. .
That's enough for the first day. Have some a small whiskey.
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Subject: Auto Replies.
Excellent Out of Office Auto Replies.
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Mary' instead of 'Jon'.'
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Subject: A Tourist.
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida.
In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
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Subject: Abdul & Mohammed.
Abdul and Mohammed were discussing their children in a cafe in downtown Baghdad.
Abdul pulls out his wallet and shows Mohammed pictures of his children.
"This is my oldest son, he is a martyr."
"And this is my second son, he is also a martyr."
"Ah, sighed Abdul, "They blow up so fast."
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Subject: Cutting the Grass.
When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow he just ignored the message. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush."When you finish cutting the grass," he said,"you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp!
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Subject: The First Blonde Guy Joke.
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage,and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
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Subject: Smart Girl.
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
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Subject: How the Government Works.
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
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Subject: Goldfish.
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole. Just then, her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you doing, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully. Without looking up Nancy said, "I just finished burying him."
The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."
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Subject: Hometown Food.
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place to get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the deliveryman, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The deliveryman bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: 'pepper only'."
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Subject: The Avalanche.
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling. Moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire using brush he found on the ground.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from a nearby cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled,
"Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, and still work-harried, the executive calls back, "I already gave at the office!"
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Subject: How Smart is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
I told you so.
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Subject: Little Boy.
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
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Subject: Vincent van Gogh's Relatives.
His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ---------------- -----------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------------U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------- A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach--------------Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------------- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ----------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------------------------------Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------------- E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------------------Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van ---Winnie Bay Gogh
Well, there you Gogh!
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Subject: Thanks for all your emails!
It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!
Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease.
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using Deodorant because you said it causes cancer.
I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bath tub full of ice.
However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.
OOPS I ALMOST FORGOT, IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you tonight at 7:00 PM.
Here's to an even better informed 2005.
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Subject: How was I born?
Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS: Ah my son, I guess someday you will need to find out anyway! Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was to late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said "You've Got Male!"
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Subject: My Boots.
There was a little blonde girl in school. She cried, so the teacher asked her what was the matter. She sobbed, "I can't find my boots."
The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, "Are these yours?" "No, they're not mine," replied the blonde girl.
The teacher and the girl searched all over the classroom for her boots. Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"
"I'm sure," the girl sobbed, "mine had snow on them."
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Subject: Getting Ready for the Students.
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
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Subject: Red Gas Truck.
Two men sitting side by side in a 747 plane started to talk. One explained he had never flown before.
They left the airport in New York City headed for Los Angeles, California.
They landed in Chicago, whereupon a little red truck pulled up and refueled the plane.
They again landed to refuel in Denver. A little red truck pulled up to the plane and refueled it.
As they were about to land at their destination the veteran flier pointed out to the novice what great time they had made.
The novice said, "Yes they had made good time, but that little red truck wasn't doing bad either".
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Subject: Irish Shopping.
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin", said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
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Subject: The Sick Tree.
We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.
The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.
He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"
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Subject: Making Coffee.
Jill went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later Jill was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."
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Subject: Diet.
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
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Subject: Can't Lose It.
A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "New ball?" The guy says, "Would you believe this is the greatest golf ball ever made?
You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell goes off. You drive it into the lake and a big burst of steam goes off six feet in the air for two whole minutes."
"That's amazing," says the friend, "Where'd you get it?"
"I found it."
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Subject: Jew in Ireland.
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great - if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland."
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Subject: Sins of the Flesh.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!!"
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Subject: Pope and Clinton.
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
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Subject: Just Among Us Girls.
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry; I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry; I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
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Subject: Give Me A Push.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It's three o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello!
Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
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Subject: 6 O'clock News.
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."
The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
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Subject: Tranquilizers.
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"
"Yes" the mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
"Who cares?" she replied.
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Subject: Curlers.
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."
The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off?"
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Subject: Bang.
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young and gullible recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."
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