 Pledge.
Entrepreneurs.
Poached Eggs.
Mail Order.
Wife.
Marriage.
A Lie.
Getting Old.
Rats.
The Rules.
Three Little Pigs.
How Business is Done.
Season's Greetings!
Shoot Your Wife.
Golf.
Mother.
Door to Door.
Bridge.
Miserable.
Out Late.
Green Bay Packer.
Buglar.
Travel Tip of the Day.
Designated Driver.
Traffic Camera.
Dog.
IRS.
New Doctor.
Stay Car.
The King Is Dead But Not Forgotten.
Senior Moments!
Mrs. Lipkowitz's Future.
Two Evil Brothers.
Delayed Flight!
Golfing.
What Is Sex?
Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
Baghdad Rose.
Here Is Your Dilemma.
A Bright Smile.
Smart Marine.
Pet Fish.
Real Story.
Trading Places.
The Plan.
Explanation of Life.
Travel by Air.
Forgiveness.
The Price of Eggs.
An Ant and an Elephant.
A Rope.
Restaurant.
Golf.
The Centipede.
Delbert and Fletch.
Physics.
Fill 'er up!
Enough is Enough.
What Would You Like?
The Lion's Punny Choice.
Comebacks.
History Test.
What Would You Do?
The Bicycle Ride.
Thanks to the Government.
New Crew.
Buy A Mac.
Clutter.
New Bonds.
Same Work, Different Pay?
What Good Comes Out of Drinking?
Retiring.
The Stagecoach.
Women In Charge Of Everything.
Sad Stories.
Height of Revenge.
Terrible News.
Attitudinal Altitude.
Perceptions.
Professors.
Psychopath Test.
Negotiations.
Bricks.
The Mistake.
The Donkey.
The Porsche.
Chicken at a Chinese Restaurant.
Skiing Holiday.
French Lesson.
Work Smart- Not Hard.
Red Skelton's Recipe.
Shaking Hands.
The Mental Asylum.
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies.
Plastic Garbage Bags.
Man Of Your House.
Perks Of Being Over 50.
Windy.
To Whom it May Concern.
Forgotten Wedding Anniversary.
A True Story.
100% Birth Control.
Medical Insurance Explained.
No Nursing Home for Me.
The Wrong Question.
Never Tick Off A Nurse.
Costello Calls Abbott.
Nothing Replaces Having A Friend.
Italians.
Laws Of The Natural Universe.
Ex Wife.
Eye Test.
The Nun at Hooters.
Music in a Graveyard.
The Clocks.
Fortune Teller.
The New Supermarket.
Grandmas Don't Know Everything.
Baby Boomer Song Lyrics Revisited.
Shopping.
Irish Priest in Texas.
A Husband's Support.
At Dawn The Telephone Rings.
Wise Woman.
Breaking News:
Lost.
Two Beggars.
Divorce.
Elephant Story.
Pondering.
Ida.
Bernie.
Noise in the Backyard.
Please, Don't Tell Me.
The Husband Store.
Bad Night.
The Broken Mower.
The Plane Trip.
A Retiree Living in Florida.
Bungee Jumping.
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 Top
Subject: Pledge.
A deacon at the Assembly of God was being bothered by one of those religious groups that are known for going door-to-door in the community. This particular religious group had been bothering this man quite frequently. This man was a sincere Christian and he was also a proud veteran of the United States Marine Corps.
He didn't know what to do, so he went to his pastor and said, "How can I get rid of these people?" The pastor said, "Well, I know these people. They don't believe in saluting the flag. They don't believe in singing the National Anthem. So the next time they come, you just make them pledge allegiance to the flag and sing the National Anthem, and they will go away and leave you alone."
Well this ex-marine got upset. He said, "You mean to tell me they will not salute our flag, and they will not sing the National Anthem of the country I fought for?" He said, "I will take care of them." He went out and found the biggest U.S. flag he could find and put it on the wall of his home. He found a copy of the National Anthem and taught his family every verse. He thought to himself, "I will be ready for them next time."
Well he looked out one morning, and sure enough here came a little old lady across the yard with a satchel. He thought to himself, "I'm going to fix you once and for all." Before she could even knock on the door he opened it, grabbed her by the arm, brought her inside and said, "Stand right there, Maam! I want you to do something before you say a word or open your mouth in my home. First of all we are going to pledge allegiance to the flag." So here was this man, his wife, his children, and this little old lady pledging allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. Then he said, "Now, you are going to sing the National Anthem with my family, and we're going to sing all the verses." They sang all the verses to the National Anthem. She sang right along with them. That man was so proud of himself. He said, "Now lady, how do you like that?"
She said, "I think it's wonderful! I love my country just like you do!" She said, "I will be honest with you, I've been selling Avon for twenty years and I've never had a welcome like this."
Top
Subject: Entrepreneurs.
A man owned a small ranch in Washington. The Washington Wage " Hour Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years, I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 per week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." replied the rancher.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me" replied the rancher.
Top
Subject: Poached Eggs.
Though she tried to please her husband, Mrs. Speidell seemed to fail regularly. Most often it was at breakfast. If she scrambled the eggs, he wanted poached. If she poached them, he wanted them scrambled. There was just no pleasing him.
One morning she decided to poach one and scramble the other, and waited for his approval. Glancing at his plate, the old man, Mickey snorted, "You've scrambled the wrong egg!"
Top
Subject: Mail Order.
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:
"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Top
Subject: Wife.
"Boy, I'm scared," Anthony said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."
"Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say."
"You like her that much?" the friend asks.
"It's not that," declared Anthony. "He didn't sign his name!"
Top
Subject: Marriage.
A psychiatrist advised his timid little patient named Jim to assert himself.
"Don't let your wife bully you. Go home and show her who's boss."
Jim went home, slammed the door loudly and roughly seized his wife. "From now on," he snarled, "You're taking orders from me, see? You're gonna make my supper this minute, and when it's on the table you're goin' upstairs and lay out my clothes, see? Tonight I'm goin' out on the town - alone, and do you know who's going to dress me in my tuxedo and black tie?"
"You bet I do," was the answer, "The undertaker!"
Top
Subject: A Lie.
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Top
Subject: Getting Old.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench, near the shops and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well so why are you crying?"
She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"
Top
Subject: Rats.
(With a Scottish accent)
A Canadian was hunting in the north woods, along with his guest, a Scotsman in Canada for the first time.
At one point, a large animal thrashed across their field of vision.
The Canadian, caught by surprise, had no time to take aim and fire, and the Scotsman, startled, said, "What was that?"
"A moose," said the disappointed Canadian.
"A moose!" cried the Scotsman.
"Are you serious? If that was a moose, then I dinna care to see one o' your r-r-r-rats."
Top
Subject: The Rules.
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
19. Every house belongs to the oldest female living there.
Top
Subject: Three Little Pigs.
Three little pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big bowl of oatmeal," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
The third piggy says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
Top
Subject: How Business is Done.
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son:
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: I will choose my own bride.
Jack: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.
Son: Well, in that case...
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry.
Jack: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Jack: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case...
That's how business is done!
Top
Subject: Season's Greetings!
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
Top
Subject: Shoot Your Wife.
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Top
Subject: Golf.
George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods.
Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him.
"You look like a golfer. Are you any good?"
George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?"
Top
Subject: Mother.
A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing, mom?"
She said, "Not to good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
Top
Subject: Door to Door.
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
Top
Subject: Bridge.
Giving the man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any really physical sports?"
"Not at all," said the man. "I just play bridge with my wife."
Top
Subject: Miserable.
Before Judy became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Top
Subject: Out Late.
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
Top
Subject: Green Bay Packer.
A Green Bay Packer fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a joke about Minnesota Viking fans?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you Should know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Viking fan. The Guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's a Viking fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 280 pounds and he's a Viking fan too. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Packer fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."
Top
Subject: Buglar.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Top
Subject: Travel Tip of the Day.
Don't stay at the Marriott. The towels are so thick and fluffy that you can hardly close your suitcase.
Top
Subject: Designated Driver.
The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Top
Subject: Traffic Camera.
A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault and home he went.
Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.
Top
Subject: Dog.
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Top
Subject: IRS.
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2004 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Top
Subject: New Doctor.
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
Top
Subject: Stay Car.
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blond young lady, gave me a strange look and said "Why don't you just put it in park?"
Top
Subject: The King Is Dead But Not Forgotten.
A rich Arab oil sheik wanted to do something nice for his sons, so he called each of them into his study one evening. To the first he said "Son, I have enormous wealth and I have always wanted to do something nice for you. What would you like from me?"
The first son answered, "Father, I have always wanted to learn how to fly. Would you buy me a single engine Cessna?" His father bought him a Concord jet!
When the second son was asked what he wanted, he said "Father, I have always wanted to learn how to sail. I would love to have a single mast sabot." His father bought him the Queen Elizabeth III.
The third son was asked the same question and replied, "Dad, I just came back from Southern California where I went to Disneyland, and I'd love a little Mickey Mouse outfit." So his father bought him the new democratic Iraqi government!
Top
Subject: Senior Moments!
Two ladies were sitting on a park bench in Miami and enjoying the sunshine. They had been good friends for many years and both always looked forward to their meetings and chats.
One day, the younger of the two, turned to the other and said "I'm embarrassed. Please don't be angry with me, but after all these years, can't remember your name."
The older friend was very distressed and didn't respond. Finally, with tears in her eyes she said "How soon do you have to know?"
Top
Subject: Mrs. Lipkowitz's Future.
Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida real estate agent, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a life time. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."
Top
Subject: Two Evil Brothers.
There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.
The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
Top
Subject: Delayed Flight!
A friend was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him, as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: all the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill, when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines.
Top
Subject: Golfing.
Consider the preacher - an avid golfer - who woke one Sunday to find a picture-perfect day for golf. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.
He was supposed to preside over the usual Sunday services, but the temptation to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and said he was sick and could not do church that day. Then he packed his clubs in the car and drove to a golf course in a nearby town where no one would recognize him.
As the preacher headed for the first tee, an angel up above was watching, and he wasn't happy.
"Look at the preacher," he said to God. "He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup - 350 yards away. A hole-in-one. The preacher was amazed and excited.
The angel was shocked. "Begging Your pardon", he said to God, "but I thought you were going to punish that fellow."
God smiled. "Think about it - who can he tell?"
Top
Subject: What Is Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."
Top
Subject: Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of Night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have been released today."
Top
Subject: Baghdad Rose.
Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq.
"American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive."
"If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity?"
"Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a body bag."
"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"
"Naw," answers the other. "It's just CNN."
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Subject: Here Is Your Dilemma.
You are the President of the United States and NASA tells you that a large meteor is heading straight for Earth and it will strike France at 2:00 AM one month from today.
France calls and begs you to use your entire arsenal of missiles and warheads to save them. You know that by doing this it will take away from the war efforts in Iraq and hurt the war on terrorism. If you don't do it France is toast.
HERE IS YOUR DILEMMA: Do you stay up and watch it live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?
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Subject: A Bright Smile.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe, if I acted "CRAZY", then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I can't work in the dark!"
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Subject: Smart Marine.
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight."
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Subject: Pet Fish.
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" said the game warden. "Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, and I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the hillbilly. The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?" The hillbilly said, "Call who back?" "The FISH!" replied the warden. "What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We country boys may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees.
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Subject: Real Story.
This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and wet and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same cantina and one said to the other. "Mira, Pedro, that's the horses' ass that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
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Subject: Trading Places.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
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Subject: The Plan.
You gotta love Robin Williams. Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan... (Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys', we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them are stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?'"
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Subject: Explanation of Life.
On the first day, G-d created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
On the second day, G-d created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And G-d agreed.
On the third day, G-d created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And G-d agreed again.
On the fourth day, G-d created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," G-d said. "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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Subject: Travel by Air.
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available."
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Subject: Forgiveness.
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady .
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
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Subject: The Price of Eggs.
A man eats two eggs each morning for breakfast. When he goes to the grocery store he pays 60 cents a dozen. Since a dozen eggs won't last a week he normally buys two dozens at a time.
One day while buying eggs he notices that the price has risen to 72 cents. The next time he buys groceries, eggs are 76 cents a dozen.
When asked to explain the price of eggs the store owner says, "The price has gone up and I have to raise my price accordingly".
This store buys 100 dozen eggs a day. I checked around for a better price and all the distributors have raised their prices.
The distributors have begun to buy from the huge egg farms. The small egg farms have been driven out of business.
The huge egg farms sell 100,000 dozen eggs a day to distributors. With no competition, they can set the price as they see fit.
The distributors then have to raise their prices to the grocery stores. And on and on and on.
As the man kept buying eggs the price kept going up, he saw the big egg trucks delivering 100 dozen eggs each day. Nothing changed there.
He checked out the huge egg farms and found they were selling 100,000 dozen eggs to the distributors daily.
Nothing had changed but the price of eggs.
Then a week before Thanksgiving, the price of eggs shot up to $1.00 a dozen. Again he asked the grocery owner why and was told, "cakes and baking for the holiday" The huge egg farmers know there will be a lot of baking going on and more eggs will be used. Hence, the price of eggs goes up
Expect the same thing at Christmas and other times when family cooking and baking happen.
This pattern continues until the price of eggs is 2.00 a dozen. The man says, "There must be something we can do about the price of eggs".
He starts talking to all the people in his town and they decide to stop buying eggs. This didn't work because everyone needed eggs.
Finally, the man suggested only buying what you need. He ate 2 eggs a day. On the way home from work he would stop at the grocery and buy two eggs. Everyone in town started buying 2 or 3 eggs a day.
The grocery store owner began complaining that he had too many eggs in his cooler. He told the distributor that he didn't need any eggs. Maybe wouldn't need any all week.
The distributor had eggs piling up at his warehouse. He told the huge egg farms that he didn't have any room for eggs would not need any for at least two weeks.
At the egg farm, the chickens just kept on laying eggs.
To relieve the pressure, the huge egg farm told the distributor that they could buy the eggs at a lower price. The distributor said, "Don't have the room for the eggs even if they were free".
The distributor told the grocery store owner that he would lower the price of the eggs if the store would start buying again.
The grocery store owner said, "I don't have room for more eggs. The customers are only buying 2 or 3 eggs at a time".
"Now if you were to drop the price of eggs back down to the original price, the customers would start buying by the dozen again".
The distributors sent that proposal to the huge egg farmers. They liked the price they were getting for their eggs but, those chickens just kept on laying
Finally, the egg farmers lowered the price of their eggs but only a few cents.
The customers still bought 2 or 3 eggs at a time. They said, "When the price of eggs gets down to where it was before we will start buying by the dozen."
Slowly the price of eggs started dropping. The distributors had to slash their prices to make room for the eggs coming from the egg farmers.
The egg farmers cut their prices because the distributors wouldn't buy at a higher price than they were selling eggs for. Anyway, they had full warehouses and wouldn't need eggs for quite a while.
And those chickens kept on laying.
Eventually, the egg farmers cut their prices because they were throwing away eggs they couldn't sell.
The distributors started buying again because the eggs were priced to where the stores could afford to sell them at the lower price.
And the customers starting buying by the dozen again.
Now, transpose this analogy to the gasoline industry. What if everyone only bought $10.00 worth of gas each time they pulled to the pump? The dealers tanks would stay semi full all the time. The dealers wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the huge tank farms. The tank farms wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the refining plants. And the refining plants wouldn't have room for the oil being off loaded from the huge tankers coming from the Middle East.
Just $10.00 each time you buy gas. Don't fill it up. You may have to stop for gas twice a week but, the price should come down.
Think about it.
As an added note: When I buy $10.00 worth of gas, that leaves my tank a little under half full. The way prices are jumping around, you can buy gas for $2.65 a gallon and then the next morning it can be $2.15. If you have your tank full of $2.65 gas, you don't have room for the $2.15 gas.
You might not understand the economics of only buying two eggs at a time but you can't buy cheaper gas if your tank is full of the high priced stuff.
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Subject: An Ant and an Elephant.
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Damn," says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
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Subject: A Rope.
A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer.
The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here."
Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?".
The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer.
The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!"
"No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."
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Subject: Restaurant.
One thing to remember when eating in a German restaurant: No matter how bad the appetizer is, the wurst is yet to come...
A restaurant is the only place where people are happy when they're fed up.
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Subject: Golf.
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft".
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft".
The third guy tees off and slices into a pond. He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says "Loft".
As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots, and when we asked you what we did wrong you answered the same exact answer each time. What is loft?"
The pro says, "Lack Of Fxxxxxg Talent"
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Subject: The Centipede.
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at halftime, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did" said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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Subject: Delbert and Fletch.
Delbert and Fletch, two industrial robots, escaped from the engineering lab one Saturday night. They decided to separate, pick up some dates and meet later.
A few hours passed and Delbert arrived at the meeting place. He found Fletch standing in front of a mailbox and a fire alarm.
"Who are your two friends?" asked Delbert.
"Forget them," sighed Fletch. "The short, fat one with the big mouth just stands there, and if you touch the redhead she screams her lungs out."
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Subject: Physics.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
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Subject: Fill 'er up!
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep.
After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
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Subject: Enough is Enough.
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
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Subject: What Would You Like?
A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.
When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."
Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."
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Subject: The Lion's Punny Choice.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
If you wonder why the lion made the choice that he made, just consider that even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
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Subject: Comebacks to the Question "Why aren't you married Yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
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Subject: History Test.
A grade 9 history test question: Give the number of automobiles produced in America during the year of your choice.
My answer? 1806: none.
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Subject: What Would You Do?
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd throw up."
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Subject: The Bicycle Ride.
Jimmy and Johnny, panting and pulling on their tandem bicycle, finally reached the top of a long steep hill.
"Whew!" gasped Jimmy, "What a climb!"
"Sure was!" agreed Johnny. "If I hadn't kept the brake on, we'd have gone down backward."
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Subject: Thanks to the Government.
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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Subject: New Crew.
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five women.
The company can not decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the female crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labour.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long'? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the females. "They only put the pole in halfway!"
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Subject: Buy A Mac.
I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.
He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"
And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."
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Subject: Clutter.
It arose one morning from the bowels of my desk, a formless mass that spread and covered itself over anything I was looking for.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"I am Clutter," the mass answered, "and I am here to confound your life. I am the things you refuse to throw out though you haven't used them in six years, the miscellaneous papers, phone numbers, business cards, and things you accumulate and don't put away. I am the inevitable manifestation of your sloppiness. I am Clutter."
I grabbed Clutter and moved it from one end of the desk to the other.
Clutter chortled. That's my favourite pastime. Moving from one end of the desk to the other.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"To frustrate you, I will resist all attempts to remove me, reduce me, or otherwise eliminate me. It's my purpose to hide whatever important piece of paper you need, whichever phone number you must call."
"I'm throwing you out," I stormed.
Clutter shook his untidy mass sadly, as in pity. "Not without looking through me to see if there's anything you really need," Clutter answered.
"The odds are slim, but you won't take that chance. And while you're sorting through me, I'll re-form in another pile."
"But you'll be smaller, more manageable."
"Not really. You'll decide to keep 90% of me, as you always do. And soon, new papers, numbers, documents will gather, making me more obstructive than ever."
"You won't ruin my life, Clutter! I'll start a filing system! Put a bit of you where you belong."
Clutter gazed at me contemptuously. "The last time you tried that, you created my cousins, Chaos and Disorder. It'll never work."
Clutter had me and I knew it. Attempts in the past to file things alphabetically had only created 26 piles of mess instead of one. I was desperate, so I decided to bluff. "I'll take a time management course," I threatened. Clutter quite rightly ignored my remark. I wasn't dealing with an idiot, after all.
"Then I'll buy a computer and store you on my floppy disks!"
"And within a month your disk-filing system will be in total disarray, plus you'll have another pile of papers waiting to be entered onto disks. Face it, you can't win."
Exasperated, I ran to the closet. "I'm getting some air."
Clutter had been to the closet before me. Shoes were scattered, shirts were unhung, and clumps of pants and underwear lay strewn next to towels and a lawn chair. Socks congealed in small piles, looking like the waste product of some nylon-eating monster. Cliff notes from A Tale of Two Cities lay atop the heater.
"Clutter," I yelled. "You have crippled my productivity for the last time. No longer will I be late, no more will I miss appointments, never again shall I be overwhelmed by your size and withdraw into reading old magazines. I am going out to the store to buy a paper shredder."
I looked around for a long moment. "Now where did I leave my keys?"
Clutter burped.
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Subject: New Bonds.
The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:
1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity,
And....
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.
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Subject: Same Work, Different Pay?
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, being somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Dr. DeBakey is that you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take the valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly to Morris: "Try doing your work with the engine running."
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Subject: What Good Comes Out of Drinking?
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarrelling with his neighbours, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
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Subject: Retiring.
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
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Subject: The Stagecoach.
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the other door and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
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Subject: Women In Charge Of Everything.
WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) is proud to announce the opening of its EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in t his course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
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Subject: Sad Stories.
Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
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Subject: Height of Revenge.
Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep; one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn."
He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ears but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not going for the blood shed, yet still wanted to take revenge.
Happy as he is he now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja (Go to sleep, O dear mosquito, go to sleep)". After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands.
So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."
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Subject: Terrible News.
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.
"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well, what is it, Mary?" asked Father O'Grady.
"Well, my husband passed away last night, Father," said Mary.
"Oh, Mary," said the father. "That's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?" said the Father.
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun.'"
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Subject: Attitudinal Altitude.
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6am wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepi |