Subject: Babies.
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
Subject: Good Wit.
My late Aunt Isabel's wit was legendary in our family. We come from a small town in Connecticut where many of the roads are so narrow that if a car should stall, the car behind it would be unable to pass.
This is what happened to my Aunt one day. While she trying to restart the engine, the driver behind her began blowing his horn repeatedly. Aunt Isabel set the parking brake, got out of the car and walked over to the driver's window. When he rolled down his window, she smiled warmly and said, "I cannot seem to get my car started, Would you be kind enough to start it for me? And I will stay here and blow your horn for you!"
Subject: Who Would You Speak With?
The executive was interviewing a young, anxious applicant for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The applicant quickly responded, "The living one."
Subject: Kentucky Vasectomy.
A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision - why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Subject: Young Minister.
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and such. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations - I wasn't going to let this homeless man go out without someone taking notice of the service! I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't ever seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."
Subject: The Priest.
The elderly priest, says to the younger priest, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
The young priest nods, and the old priest continues, "And you said more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We're packed to the balcony!"
"Thank you, Father," answers the young priest. "I'm pleased that you're open to the new youthful ideas."
"However," says the elderly priest, "You went too far with the 'drive-thru' confessional."
"But, Father," protests the young priest, "my confessions and the donations nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know, my son," replies the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell, or Go To Hell" cannot stay on the church roof!"
Subject: They Walk Among Us.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Subject: Thirty Lines To Make You Smile.
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is none the less dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Subject: Music On Hold.
My client had a question involving her tax return, so I did a three-way call to the Internal Revenue Service.
After getting transferred and transferred again, we were met with music on hold while waiting.
It was Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Flowers.
I started laughing at the irony of being on hold for IRS while listening to the Nutcracker.
Subject: The Living Will.
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
Subject: Why God Created Children.
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!
Subject: Sense or Nonsense?
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...
(And maybe someone can tell me why 5 & 31 are missing...?)
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If humans evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Subject: Can You Get Married In Heaven?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn't work? They wondered, Are we stuck together FOREVER?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
Subject: Watch Out For Accents.
I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.
One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"
Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"
Subject: The Push.
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring down rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Subject: Wedding Vows.
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
Subject: Computer Chip.
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed a computer chip that can store music in women's breast implants.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Subject: Secret to a Long Marriage.
With a couple celebrating their anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the congregation, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister: "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph, please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your50th anniversary?"
Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."
Subject: The Outhouse.
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stunk all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered "yes". Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"
Subject: Apollo Project.
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."
Subject: 1-2-3-4.
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"
Subject: Those Were The Days.
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Subject: First Grade.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, "and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Subject: You Could Have.
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost sixteen hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and decide to stop at a hotel for a good night's rest. When they check out the next morning, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking with the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have!"
Subject: Viagra.
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster-coloured legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"
"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."
Subject: Children's Reasoning.
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child wrote a note, "take all you want, God is watching the apples."
Subject: Grand Theft Auto.
A criminal lawyer, Robinson was notorious for finding the little loopholes that won him acquittals even in the most difficult circumstances. So it was he that Milliken hired when he was accused of grand theft auto. And it was Milliken who walked out of the courtroom a free man, after a lengthy trial and some brilliant footwork on Robinson's part.
The very next day Milliken appeared in the chambers of the judge who had presided over his trial and demanded a warrant for Robinson's arrest.
"Why on Earth do you want him arrested?" asked the judge. "He got you off, didn't he?"
"Yeah," conceded Milliken, "but when I didn't have enough money to pay his fee, he drove off in that car I stole!"
Subject: Time to Eat!
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun." said the second.
"O.K." said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.
As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
Subject: Fast Food.
Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.
"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."
His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."
At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"
Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"
Subject: The Gay Flight Attendant.
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch."
Subject: Reading.
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.
Subject: Congratulations.
Congratulations to all the kids who were born in the 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun.
We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Subject: An Irish Daughter.
An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad... I became a prostitute."
"Ye what??! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, dad!... sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Subject: Bring back the "good old days"?
School 1960 vs. School 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the headmaster's office and given a good caning. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counseled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school ...
1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.
1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh goes to college anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2007 - Security and the Anti Terror Squad are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during playtime and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
Subject: Doctors Never Laugh.
. . . the doctor replied, "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I am SO sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
Subject: Logic v Legal.
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", Danny goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Danny: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must, otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Danny: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Danny: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give Danny an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Still puzzled, the professor later calls on his best student in his class, Sihle, and asks him the same question.
Sihle immediately answers, "Sir, you see, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical."
The professor fainted.
Subject: One Lie Leads to Another.
A man and his secretary decide to have an affair, so they rent a hotel and go have strenuous sex all afternoon. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 at night.
They have sex again, and then the man realizes it's time to go home. He says to his secretary, "Take my shoes outside while I get dressed and drag them through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies.
When the man gets home about 9:30pm his wife confronts him and asks where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you, I have spent the day making love to my secretary, fell asleep, just woke up and came right home."
The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"
Subject: Quick Thinking.
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it.You think on your feet and we like that around here. Were are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada sir".
"Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Canada!!"
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
Subject: Golf?
Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.
The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.
The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.
The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.
The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".
Subject: Revenge of the Unfaithful.
Two high school sweethearts went out together for four years in high school. They were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they both wanted to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast and the guy to the west coast. The agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl, but she would never be home. When he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well, so he increased the frequency of his calls, letters, and emails to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, the guy was heart-broken, but even more so, he was pissed. What he did next was awesome. He took the photo and wrote the following on the back:
"Dear Mom and Dad,
Having a great time at college,
Please send more money!"
Subject: Black and White.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Subject: Canadian's ... and the Rest of the World.
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada we have two Seasons...
six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"
A Quebec guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"
On the first day of Grade Three, little Chris Warrick's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Chris did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Chris outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Chris noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son," explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Subject: Facts of Life.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. ... wedding cake!
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Subject: Sneezes.
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman, now feeling embarrassed, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Subject: Dear Abby.
Dear Abby:
I have a problem.
I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.
One of my brothers plays for the Kansas City Chiefs and the other one is sentenced to die in the electric chair for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was 6 years old.
Both of my sisters are into prostitution and one of them has aids, and my father sells drugs to junior high school kids.
Well, I recently met a girl who was released from a reformatory, where she was doing time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.
I love this girl with all my heart and I want to marry her.
Here is my problem: Do I tell her about my brother who plays for the Chiefs?
Subject: Learning a Language.
Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York. The owner had a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.
One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish. The customer was so impressed, he found the owner.
"I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn Yiddish?" he asked the owner.
"Shhh" the owner replied. "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"
Subject: Vacation.
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says... "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Subject: Quiz.
This separates the dumb people from the really dumb people.
Answer the following 12 questions.
DON'T CHEAT!! Here we go.
Q: 1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 1. YES
====================================================
Q: 2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 2. 1
====================================================
Q: 3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 3. ALL
====================================================
Q: 4. How many outs are there in an inning?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 4. 6
====================================================
Q: 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 5. NO
====================================================
Q: 6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 6. 70
====================================================
Q: 7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 7. 2
====================================================
Q: 8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half hour. How long will the pills last?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 8. 1 HOUR
====================================================
Q: 9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 9. 9
====================================================
Q: 10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 10. NONE
====================================================
Q: 11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 11. MEAT
====================================================
Q: 12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
. . . . . . . . .
A: 12. 12
====================================================
Subject: Men " Sex.
A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex.
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on those days that started with "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tonight, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.
Subject: Cars in Heaven.
Three friends are in a car driving to the ball game when a Mack truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know.
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was banging two maybe tree different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
Subject: Santa.
Why did Santa and Mrs. Claus never had kids?
ANSWER BELOW BUT NO CHEATING...
. . . . . . . . .
Coz he only comes once a year and that's down a chimney...
Subject: The Car.
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies,
"Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
Subject: Coming Home.
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: "Nope. You are.
I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Subject: Man's Best Friend.
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk... who is really happy to see you!
Subject: Married Humor.
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."
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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told m e to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
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