Subject: Health Club.
The first day at my new health club I asked the girl at the front desk, "I like to exercise after work. What are your hours?"
"Our club is open 24/7," she told me excitedly, "Monday through Saturday."
Subject: Electronics Shop.
A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.
Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE PART OVER."
Subject: My Boss.
When my boss returned to the office, he was told that everyone had been looking for him. That set him off on a speech about how indispensable he was to the company.
"Actually," interrupted his assistant, "you left with the key to the stationery closet."
Subject: Vegetative State.
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
Subject: A Real Man.
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Never mind.
Subject: Hannah.
I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.
When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."
Subject: Take the Quiz.
Think you're a genius? Take the below quiz. Passing requires 4 correct answers.
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat-gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
All done, genius? Check your answers below.
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert.
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson.
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand.
Subject: The Vet.
Like most puppies, mine is not finicky about what he puts in his mouth. He eats anything. But the day he swallowed a quarter, I panicked and called the vet.
"What should I do?" I pleaded over the phone.
My extremely laid-back vet answered calmly, "Swallowing a quarter is nothing to worry about. But if he does it again and a can of pop shoots out of his rear, give me a call."
Subject: Ice Picks.
There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but money is money, so he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got!"
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."
Subject: Colin the Aborigine.
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and Flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of Stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'
Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
Subject: Heart Attack.
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."
Subject: Good News Bad News.
A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you." The prisoner says. " Okay. What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution... you go to the chair at 7PM tonight." "Oh, that's horrible. What possibly could be the good news?"
"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"
Subject: Swollen Foot.
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."
Feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Subject: Chicken.
The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
Subject: College.
The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.
Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.
"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."
"But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."
"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"
Subject: Guests.
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly.
Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
Subject: Men.
Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said, inconsolable. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"
Subject: A Long Life.
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Subject: Sea Sickness.
"I went on holiday a couple of years ago on a cruse," Jane said to Mary, "It was really rough, someone died of sea sickness."
"That's impossible," Mary said, "You can't die of seasickness no matter how much you might want to."
"Oh yes, you can," Jane said, "Someone was throwing up over the side and he fell in."
Subject: Parking.
Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Joe.
"It said: FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
Subject: Husbands.
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."
Subject: The Will.
A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."
"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.
"Because I want someone to be sorry I died!" came the reply.
Subject: Dentist.
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Subject: Hard of Hearing.
Three old ladies are walking down the street. They are hard of hearing.
One: "Whew, it's windy today!"
Two: "No. Today's Thursday!"
Three: "So am I! Let's go to a bar!"
Subject: Chickens.
Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one Alabaman says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Umm, five?"
Subject: Dead Donkey.
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good Reverend called the Mayor and asked what should be done.
The Mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead."
The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin."
Subject: Marriage.
Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
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